Special #1
Text-to-Space Game
This is a Stellaris Special based-on Space Pain by Bruva Alfabusa. The first of many. It may not be as good as the original, but I hope you enjoy.
On a gaia type world, a mass audience of cat people in golden armor have gathered in attendance with one of their own in complete golden armor taps on a golden microphone in a shape of a yarn ball. Yet he taps repeatedly on it until there was some feedback on the speakers to get him to stop.
"LADS!" It is Kitten addressing to his public. "Today, we march forth once again to make some friends and achieve victory. With the knowledge of the previous game, we shall claim the right to rule the galaxy with golden hearts, agrarian idealism and... MIIIILLLKKK!"
Milk starts spurting out of the fountains as all the people do rabid feline cheering. Kitten then proceeds to play with the yarn ball mic.
Civilization: Bellyscratch Coalition of Good Lads
Government: Moral Democracy
Origins: Prosperous Unification & Resort World
Leader: Prime Minister U'at
Species: Mammalian Massive #14
On a tomb world, a large man in blue armor with the Ultramarines symbol on his chest while having long, sparkly blonde hair speaks to the masses.
"It is time, humanity!" Roboute addresses the humans on this fallen world. "Time for us to leave the cradle that we've unjustly ruined and head forth to the vast unknown. The galaxy is ripe with new opportunities to destroy those that would destroy what is left of our kind. Hence forth, we shall go to, SPACE!"
The imperial guardsman starts screaming, "SPAAAAAAAACCCEEE!" in a robotic sounding voice rather than fleeing.
Civilization: Ultra-Humanity Empire
Government: Despotic Empire
Origins: God Ruler & Unification Wars
Leader: Emperor Guill Blueberry Codexman Goldenposterboy, I
Species: Human
Over at Kitten's playthrough, he just encountered a new civilization
"Prime Minister!" says the women on the announcer, "We have discovered a new species! They're intelligent and wish to talk to us!"
"Goodness gracious! Show the screen!"
On the screen, we have a large golden machine-like humanoid with golden locks and have a head in a shape of a knight's helmet. I think we all know who that is.
"Greetings!" he cheerfully greets Kitten. "I am Sir Science!"
"Santodes, you've already done that."
"Let me finish and don't ruin my immersion! I am the Faculty Director of the Institute of Stellar Research. My people and I would love to learn more about all other species, their cultures and their technology. It is a democratic scholastic commonwealth that wish to learn about the mysteries of our galaxy. Interested in a partnership?"
"Oh, uh, of course! Welcome aboard to spread peace and prosperity to the galactic community!"
"WE SHALL EXPAND OUR GREAT SCIENCE KNOWLEEEEEDDDGGEEE!" then the screen turns off.
The ship Kitten controls then heads out further into space.
"Mind blowing. Who knew that there is a civilization that is more of an academy than a government. This is quite profound."
Then another video chat opens up to reveal a very fabulous peacock wearing a golden mask. And yes, it is Karstodes.
"Gr-r-r-reetings! I am Emperor Fabcock of the Peacock Empire!"
"...okay." Kitten just goes with it.
"It is a star empire that is willing to fight against those that would oppose our righteous imperial and my vassals alongside our allies. Are you friend or foe?"
"Oh, uh, friend. My republic is more focus on bringing peace, prosperity and milk to the galaxy. We don't have much of a defensive front, but your empire is welcome in exchange for resources."
"Very good! I'll sign the treaty after I read it through."
"Incoming transmission."
"Greetings, my fabulous brothers! Greetings from deep beneath my erogenous loin cloth." The next lifeform is an aquatic #09 with golden skin and has a knight hat with a red pony tail. Yep, the creepy one of the Fabstodes. "I am Country Chancellor Aquaman Fabgill of the Aquatica Farma. We are an agrarian society that functions as a rustic republic where anyone, mostly abnormals, are welcome to join our gorgeous, idyllic society."
"Oh wow!" Kitten is excited. "An agrarian republic! That's is, as you all would say, fabulous!"
Over at another section of space, a large fleet is being constructed with an announcer keep spamming, "Construction complete! Construction complete!"
Emperor Guill watches over, "With my massive fleets, we shall conquer this galaxy! Right, Prime Mineral Rogas?"
He shifted to a rock person with yellow glowing patterns as he says, "Happy to use my funny name again."
"But why didn't you use the dwarf race? It suits you better."
"Please don't ruin my immersion, Guilliman."
Back on Kitten's play, his scout ship comes across a battlefield in a new system.
"What in the name of the Yarn?"
A transmission comes in and reveals a lifeform that is mammalian slender #1 yet has brilliant blue and red feathers while wearing golden armor. "Oh thank goodness!" he sounds like he is in a panic. "Please help me and my ally in our time of need!"
They intercepted a transmission where one holovideo shows a feathered creature with red and blue feathers with one eye while the other is a wolf-like humanoid. You can guess who is who.
"Bring it on, yer no good sorcerer monstrosity!" Leman threatens.
"Says you, you inbreed, wolfen, beastiality warmonger!" Magnus argues.
Custodici pleas again, "Please save my beloved birdman before he falls!"
Then another transmission appears and shows a drunken dwarf in typical dwarven gear. "OI THERE, YA WEE, GOLDEN DINNER PLATE! I AM KING TRISU SHIPKILLER! IF YA HELP ME SCANDINAVIAN, WOLFEN FRIEND HERE, WE WOULD APPRECIATE IT! IF YA HELP THE ONE-EYED, UNTRUSTWORTHY, SORCEROUS, FEATHERY COW SHIT OF A PEA BRAIN MORON; I'LL GUT YER FUR AND MAKE IT INTO A FINE PELT! I'LL MELT DOWN YER ARMOR AND MAKE IT INTO A FOOTSTOOL! I'LL TAKE YER CORPSE AND SERVE IT TO ME WOLF FRIEND 'ERE!"
Kitten looks at his allies and whispers, "Who is this? This is a private game channel where it is suppose to be Primarchs versus Custodes."
"I honestly have no idea." whisper Fabcock. "But he is annoying."
"And totally unfabulous." says Wamuudes.
"I HEARD THAT YOU FECKIN FISHSTICK! I'LL GRILL YA TILL YER ALL NICE AND JUICY WITH A SPECIAL SAUCE! I'LL EVEN EAT YA WITH ME BEST BEER! I'LL FRY YOU UP IN BEER BATTER, YA NO GOOD, FI-"
Wamuudes shuts off his communication, "Okay, let's help the feather people."
The dwarf appears back on, "DID YA HANG ME UP?!"
"Hold on a sec." Kitten says before asking the other two, "What exactly do each side can offer?"
Urist says, "I'M AN INDUSTRIAL DWARF AND MY PEOPLE CAN MINE ANYTHING SHIT DEEP! ME WOLFEN FRIEND HERE CAN PROVIDE MILITARY AID!"
Custodisi counter offers, "My friend and his people are scholars and sorcerers that have a great deal of knowledge of The Shroud. My people are highly skilled in cybernetics and technology."
Kitten looks at Wamuudes, "Okay, feather people it is then."
"YES!"
Emperor Fabcock's fleet appears and started decimating Lead Wolf Alpha's fleet alongside Sir Science's and Aquaman's.
His announcer says, "We have declared world against the vile, loathsome, disgusting, perfidious xenos."
Leman snarls, "Damn ye! Ye insolent prey! [Wolf-Like Growl] Ya better keep an eye out for me packs ye bastards! I hope that treacherous sorcerer kills you all!"
Magnus then communicates with Kitten via holoscreen.
"Thank you." he shows his gratitude. "I am Magnar High Sorcerer Supreme of the Enlightened Kingdom of Prosperot. My psychic people and I will pledge ourselves to you and your alliance."
"Psychics, you say?" Kitten has taken an interest. "Welcome!"
Fast Forward
In the bridge of Guill's ship, he is communicating with all members of his council.
"Members of my council and guardians of my empire. Together, we are all brothers in arms against our common foe. Prime Mineral Rogus!"
"Yay."
"You and your ingenious defenses are the linchpin to our trade routes and supply lines."
"Yes."
"Yes."
"Yes."
"Shut it! And for you, Spymaster Corvid Covid!"
The spymaster is a black, crow-like being and yes, it is Corvus Corax. "My darken heart appreciates the fact I'm important."
"You and your spies have given us much data on our foes and your poems might be able to sway their populace to our side."
"I will beseech the enemies with my super dark, mega poems of why they should switch sides. Their government is far too bright and annoying to the point of desertion."
"And as for you, Trisu Shipkiller!"
"AYE, SPARKLE BOY!"
"With your industries, we can make more ships and weapons to crush the enemy!"
"AYE! WE WEE FOLK ARE CAPABLE OF SHATTIN' GOLD AND MINING DEEP! WE DIG DEEP IN THE CORE OF WORLDS AND GRAB EVERY LITTLE PRETTY WE CAN MINE!"
"Excellent! And now, Warmeister Wolfen!"
[Wolf-Like Snarl]
"You and your forces shall fight with honor and wipe out any xenos and followers of The Shroud."
"The Vlka Fenryka shall kill..."
A bunch of ships in numerous systems started to attack many worlds and fleets in the galaxy.
[PROLONG WAR HOWL!]
On Kitten's side, Magnus unleash his fleets.
"Oh no you don't!"
"Yeah!" Fabcock says. "My people are gonna kick your ass, you muscular wolf-fiends!"
Custodisi shouts, "Let's take on these unfabulous fuckers!"
Wamuudes says, "I agree! Time to nuder the pups! Trim the beards and give them feathers that are more colorful than black!"
And so, a great galactic war is waged between two alliances for control of the galaxy. One of epic proportions that may last for a lifetime.
Fast Forward
A mysterious yet familiar figure talks in the darkness. A figure that looks human yet has a large pompadour for a hairstyle.
"It is time." the figure says.
There are four other figures in the shadows and are looking at the large human-like figure.
"Time to bring humanity back into the fold."
Emperor Guill contemplates, "I wonder how the war is going."
Then Corvid opens his holoscreen, "I have some disturbing news, my lord. There is another human empire that is seizing control of ours."
"WHAT?!" Guill is surprised.
Another holoscreen appears with a human with a pompadour hairstyle and wearing golden armor. "GREETINGS. I am Not-God King Supreme, true master of humanity. I have come to subjugate all other humans for the glory of my Imperium. Surrender now or super die."
"Oh what the fuck!?" Guill complains. "This is supposed to be a private game between Primarchs and Custodies! You can't just jump in mid-game and demand people to surrender. Speaking of, I haven't seen Jaghatai Khan nor his empire."
"Don't ruin the immersion! But yeah, he's on my team."
"What?!"
"Allow me to introduce you to..."
A holoscreen of a dwarf appears on the screen. It is the same dwarf from the Warhammer Fantasy episode that Magnus hosted that Rogal played. Nrod Lagorssan.
"Prime Midget Norod! Minister of Trade, Commerce, and Defenses!"
"That is my very funny name."
"And say hello to my minister of agriculture..."
A holoscreen of a halfling played by the Master of the Administratum, Bulgo Potatoskin.
"Administratum Potatopeel!"
"Hey folks. I'm playing this strange game."
"And my master of piracy that will ransack your empire to bankruptcy!"
The holoscreen shows a roadrunner-like humanoid with a ponytail and a Chinese-style mustache. So we can guess who that is.
"Khan Pirate Speedstache Lightning Gunhorse!"
"Prepare to be speed-steal!"
"...speed-steal? Really?"
"Don't ruin my immersion!"
"I wasn't! I was stating that- You know what, never mind."
"And lastly, my War Meister..."
A holoscreen of a robotic knight appears.
"Sir Wamuri jo Wustar!"
"Allow me to teach these vagabonds the meaning of war, my lord!"
Guill tries to process this for a moment. "...Ah shit. Looks like it's gonna be the replay of what happened between you and Boy."
"Not this time! The Deceiver, aka The Trustworthy One is not here to bribe my War Meister."
"That is right! Bribery dishonors my knightly code of chivalry! Thou shall feel the might of my sword!"
"Okay, you're going down, assholes!"
Both sides unleash their ships at each other after declaring war.
On Kitten's side, he looks at the holomessages and notes the situation.
"I see." He then address to the others via holoscreen. "Lads! We have to beef up security to prevent this new, unfriendly and highly incapable faction form reaching us!"
Kitten and his allies unleash half of two billion ships to protect their borders from both sides. However, something new appeared on both Guill's and Not-God King's homeworlds.
"The hell?" Kitten went.
A holoscreen shows up and addresses to all leaders. "Greetings, foul folks!" The new species appears to be a white lion in green knightly armor. "Thy name is, The Leo. It is time for me and thy people to claim our birthright in this terrible galaxy."
Kitten asks his allies, "Who is this?"
"I dunno." Aquaman says. "But he does sound familiar."
"His voice does ring a bell."
Over on both Guill's and Not-God King's homeworlds, the fleets started to destroy both worlds. Reducing them to ash and ruin.
"Ah shit." Not-God King says after seeing his world destroyed. "Fuck it. END TIMES! RRRRAAAAAAGHHHH!"
We cut to the map of the galaxy where NGK insert console commands, aka cheats.
"Event crisis dot 1-9-9, event crisis dot 1-0-0-0, event crisis dot 2-0-0-0. See you all in SUPER HELL!" and inserted the cheats.
There is fifteen seconds of silence before Guill starts shouting, "WHAT THE FUCK!?"
Then the whole galaxy suffers from a triple crisis as these three try to take over the galaxy.
On a ruined world that is now shrouded in night, Guill looks up at the sky and contemplates.
"How...?" Guill questions. "How did this happen? Why?"
Shipkiller shows up, "BECAUSE THAT GOLDEN SHIT NUGGET, SELF-GOD, EGOMANICAL ASSHOLE USED CHEATS! WHAT A SORE-LOSING BITCH!"
"Well, I hope that the other union is taking it just as bad."
We cut to Kitten and his followers as they prepare for the new year along with their allies and some techno beats.
Guill appears on holoscreen, "Oh what the shit!"
"Oh... Guill?" Kitten got startled a little by Guill's call.
"Why isn't your fleets and worlds obliterated!?"
"Didn't start wars every five minutes is where I started. Then have reserve fleets to protect the core worlds to make sure no funny business ever happens. That, and prepare for any cheaters. Although I should've checked the 'No Cheating' checkbox. And since I've played this game more times than you, I'm gonna win when the new year begins and the yarn ball drops. Which is about fifteen seconds."
"Dammit!"
Guill then orders his allies, "Quick! Get whatever ships we can scramble to take on the Custodis before-"
GAME OVER. Kitten has won.
"Well... This is a blemish to my perfect record." Roboute states.
"But it was fun." Magnus had fun playing. "Except when father came in and interrupt."
"Screw you too, Magnus!" The Emperor says.
"Fuck ye!" Leman also joins in on the insults.
Jaghatai speaks his mind, "Maybe if father hadn't interrupt, we would've won with whatever brilliant plan you had."
Everyone else joins in on blaming The Emperor for ruining their game.
Kitten stops everyone, "Come on now, we all had fun. In fact, I remain as the KING OF-"
"DON'T!" everyone went.
"Okay, bye!" and Kitten hangs up.
Leon then says, "Thank thee for letting me play. You lot sound familiar to thy ol' ears. Perhaps we should play again."
Urist raise his volume up to max and asks, "OI! DOES ANY OF YOU NUMBNUT NITWITS INTERESTED IN BEING CUCKOLDED IN CRUSADER KINGS!?"
Leman says, "COUNT ME IN!"
Wamuudes is delighted, "OOooo! I love that game!"
"I'm in!" Karstodes wants to play.
"I would also like to play!" Custodisi want to play too.
AN: Hey everyone! I do hope you enjoy this special chapter of a WH40K Stellaris. It may not be good as the video, but it was a good laugh. Right? Anyways, Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Happy Kwanza, Happy Holidays and Happy New Years. I hope you guys enjoy this present.