Chapter 4: A Cause of Unhappiness

KAGEYAMA SHIGEO

Every New Year morning, as early as the first sunrise, we come to the shrine to make a prayer and complete the whole package in ensuring a positive year. Purchasing charms, writing on the ema, reading our omikuji. After all these traditional rituals, we eat lunch in the train on the way to Kamakura for something more personal. Religious, actually. It's a temple after all. The Ofuna Kannon, a temple overseeing the station with a magnificent, 25-meter tall statue of the goddess, Kannon.

Out of any event our family celebrates, the annual Ofuna Kannon visit holds the most solemn importance. I was nine when, too overwhelmed by the increased range of my telepathy, I was unable to leave my bed. Mom had Ritsu and I skip school so we can go the moment I felt better. It was such a shock to have Mom casually suggest it, and for Dad to agree without reluctance.

Not only is it the absolute necessity, we have to follow the normal people rule. That is, no teleporting. Powers of any sort have been discouraged since I got my telepathy. It has never been explicitly forbidden… But I know how much trouble I've done to my family. The only recent exception have been the onsen trip during Golden Week. Mom and Dad were quite impressed, even making half-joking comments about taking advantage of it, so I was almost sure they'd be willing to have me teleport us to Kamakura this year.

But it's the same, usual routine for us. I slip the bills into the payment box, half-battling a yawn. Ritsu is by the railings overlooking the side of the mountain, loosening his scarf to his shoulders.

It's too hot for you?

"The cold will help me stay awake."

Ritsu doesn't look very happy to be here. On top of waking up early and standing in long lines in the shrine, he's been spending all day and night studying as finals draw in. I keep telling him he'll be fine without exerting so much effort, but even I, the strongest person in the planet, started to feel like something dangerous would awaken if I continued on.

"It will be just for an hour," I remind him assuringly. Ritsu and I trail a good foot behind our parents, who are in their own conversation as well. Of course, for me, it's like they're talking over us as they discuss inviting over Dad's colleague for dinner.

Ritsu says nothing. There's nothing over his thoughts either. After a while, after burning incense, I catch his internal voice, How are you so relax about it?

I don't know if that was supposed to be meant as a direct address. It doesn't immediately strike me as something private, so I respond. There aren't a lot of people in this temple. It's still very noisy since there are tourist spots nearby, but I have gotten better muting voices the farther they are.

Ritsu's eyes widen while he's pretending to inspect dead trees. No, that's not what I mean… But that's good to hear. I didn't know that. It's the first time in a while I see Ritsu sincerely happy. Does this mean there's a chance you can turn off your telepathy all together?

Since we're talking telepathically, Ritsu and I are doing our own thing, or we'll look weird staring silently and making air gestures while walking. So right now, he's not seeing my goofy smile. Ritsu is happy just from hearing I'm doing well?

Uh… Maybe not. I'm aiming to lower the "volume" enough to pick up physical sounds better.

Wow, that's big news, Nii-san! Ritsu's head snaps my way, amazed. All I can do is to inconspicuously tilt my head slightly to the side and cover the smile that still won't go away.

Ritsu hangs his head down, his smile turning wistful. I thought your life will remain the same forever. I feel very stupid for doubting you.

"Shigeo, Ritsu," calls Dad from the giant, white-robed statue of the bodhisatva. Ritsu and I quicken our steps.

Wait, why are you talking like that?

Confronting my feelings. Sorry you have to hear them as usual. Ritsu skips ahead of the steps, following Mom and Dad into the entrance at the back of the giant statue. Nii-san doesn't need me after all.

Huh.

Uenohara - Mishima Residence

"Kageyama-kun! What's with the sudden call? Ah, Happy New Year! Thank you for the new year's card."

Mishima-san is at home, working diligently on responding to the new year's cards she received. I know, since I'm using clairvoyance to see her with my mind.

"Huh? Y-yeah, I'm not really busy right now…"

She doesn't have much time to write up replies after today as she'll be visiting her grandparents. I know, since I'm using telepathy to hear her true thoughts.

"You want to meet up? Right now? Well - I can - you're outside?"

I teleported.

"Give…me a minute." With a defeated sigh, Mishima-san pulls back from her desk. "Well, at least he's upfront about it this time."

It's been six years since I was in another person's home. I haven't forgotten my manners, hurried and anxious I may be. But as my hand reaches for my knitted hat, a realization dawns on me. I hope I hadn't brought trouble to both Mishima-san and I.

"What's wrong?" Mishima-san notices my hesitation.

I pull my hat down by the sides as far as they can go. "Won't your Mom get the wrong idea?"

How did he know only Mom and I are at home? I hear her vaguely wondering, but my question pushes that thought away.

"Don't worry, Mom isn't going to think that way," she tells me then I hear, Though she hated him back then but that was just Mom being overprotective. She knows we're friends now.

"Friends?" Hearing my own voice say it out loud, I flinch. This is my biggest fear when I open my mouth. Accidentally responding to a thought I'm not supposed to know. I wait for Mishima-san's surprise, but it's not the kind of surprise I was expecting.

"Oh, no, she's not that kind of person. She knows about you from school. You're pretty well-known," she explains and adds as a repercussion, "Because you're so talented, Kageyama-kun."

I follow her pass the hallway, where her mom is reading a book by the sofa, the bun of her hair barely poking out. I already saw her through precognition but I can't help but still be amazed...

I bow. "Good afternoon, Mishima-san. Sorry for dropping by all of a sudden."

"It's good to finally meet you, Shigeo-kun!" Mishima-san comes up to me, where the difference between us is made clearer. She's incredibly young-looking, easily able to pass as Ritsu's…underclassperson. Had this been the first time I saw her, I would have thought Mishima-san was lying about being an only child.

"This makes you our first guest of the year. Will you be staying for dinner?"

I shake my head. I'll be gone in an hour to head back in Kamakura, but I can't say that.

"How about some snacks then?"

I shake my head again. I already had plenty of those on the way to Kamakura, but I can't say that.

Mishima-san chuckles. "In that case, I'll bring some juice. It would go well with biscuits though. Feel free to take them home if you liked them."

"Thanks, Mom. Could I have tea instead?" asks Hitomi.

We head to her room, a medium-sized place with a desk by the window, a single bed against the wall, and a small round table with cushions near the slide-in closet. Two bookshelves piling in textbooks line one side, with a single shelf at the bottom dedicated to manga. I spot a couple of CD's (very old school), a band poster, and post-it quotes on her corkboard. There's are pictures of her school trips and family vacations by the wall over her bed. Her room reminds me more of our living room, lovingly filled with all sorts of memorabilia growing up.

Maybe this is what a normal bedroom is supposed to look like. Ritsu's room is a nondescript study while mine is a place to put my futon down and sleep. My parents' room is minimalistic too save for the small shrine to Kannon.

"So, what happened between you and Ritsu-kun now." Even though my sudden appearance has disrupted her personal time, Mishima-san doesn't seem very annoyed. Well, she's not someone who gets mad for long. She's too nice for her own good.

I give her a rundown of what happened, substituting any parts related to the supernatural. I ended up telling her I "overhear" Ritsu talking to himself, which Mishima-san privately thinks to herself is me potentially invading Ritsu's privacy. I admit, my explanation is kind of suspicious, but whatever.

"You haven't talked to Ritsu-kun?"

I reach to touch the hair on the back of my neck, only to feel the wool of my hat. When I finally slip it off, my hair gets a much needed air since we stepped into a train to Tokyo. "You said I don't know what's best for Ritsu, so I waited for our parents to make the first move. A month…er, two months…actually…passed by, and Dad said he and Ritsu had a talk about it. It seems like they worked it out, so there was no reason anymore for me to ask."

What? He didn't even ask for his peace of mind? Though protesting mentally, she goes on a different topic. "Did you and Ritsu-kun have a fight?"

"No." I deflate, squishing my hat on my lap. "Did we? It's the same as it's always been. We talk, hang out, watch movies together. It will feel like everything's fine until it doesn't. Ritsu will apologize the next day and it will be like nothing happened."

"I see. Could you describe how that makes you feel?"

"U…Uneasy. I'm… What if we don't go back to normal next time? What am I doing wrong?" At the sound of a pencil scratching, I look up to see Mishima-san writing on a notepad.

"Don't mind me," she says, her hand on her chin as she writes on. "I expected you'll come to me for advice again. I made sure to be prepared for this occasion. Kageyama-kun?" She puts her pencil down. "You didn't have friends growing up, right?"

I slowly nod, then remembered there have been a third person with us. "Ritsu and I had a childhood friend, but we were more like playmates. She was nice to me and that made me crush on her."

Mishima-san's dark brown eyes go wide almost comically.

"We haven't been keeping in touch," I elaborate. Every six-year-old is bound to crush on the nicest person outside their family that they spend a lot of time with. It's been so long; Takane-san and I are different people now.

"How about Ritsu-kun?"

Ritsu having a crush on Takane-san? I haven't considered that. "He has been talking to her recently. Could this mean…"

"Er, I mean if Ritsu-kun had any friends."

Oh.

"In our old school. I knew a couple of them. Ritsu has always been popular. He's always helping his classmates study for tests. In that way, he's just like you, Mishima-san."

Mishima-san laughs softly when a knock raps on the other side of the door. Her mom comes in with a tray of snacks for us that I am suddenly grateful for. I must not have eaten much on the train, because the butter cookies are unexpectedly delicious. The shoulders that I didn't realize have been tense are relaxing. We thank her before her mom turns and leaves us alone again.

After a drink, I continue. "But he's changed since we transferred… He hasn't made any new friends." I knew that, but I shrugged it off thinking it was typical for being transfer students. My classmates didn't like me almost immediately because they could feel I didn't like them back. What about Ritsu? Unlike me, hasn't he always been the kind of person to show interest in others? There was a scary time when I was seven, I looked away for a second to tie my shoelaces. When I found Ritsu, he was asking a foreigner in a black suit if they were a hired assassin (they were.)

I wonder if something happened to them in their previous school, thinks Mishima-san, munching on a pretzel biscuit.

"Why do you ask?" When I get a look of confusion, I clarify, "About the friends we've made."

"Oh, yes, sorry. I got distracted." Mishima-san makes another sip of her tea before returning to her notes, humming in contemplation. Though she looks assured on the outside, inside she's fretting. It's so hard to help Kageyama-kun since I can't relate to his experience. But I'm the only one he can rely on. I have to give it my best. What else can I tell him?

"I asked Take-kun if he thought of me as his sister since we've known each other since we were kids. He was pretty quick to say no, though he can't really explain why. So I asked myself the same question, and I feel the same."

I nod slowly, wondering where this is going.

"But I can't put into words either why. I tried to recite repeatedly in my head that he's my brother, but that didn't work..." All it did was make me sick of the word 'brother.'

It sounds like she put herself through mental torture just for that.

"I didn't think being friends and being siblings can be so different," confesses Mishima-san with a sheepish laugh.

I surprise myself by having something to contribute to the subject. "A sibling is usually either older or younger than you. You don't have to grow up with them either."

"Oh?"

"Ritsu had a friend who called me 'Onii-chan' or 'Shige-nii.' I took care of her a bit, so it was like having a little sister."

Mishima-san thumps the side of her fist on her palm in a light-bulb moment. "You're right! Having a sibling means looking out for each other. Still, she must be Ritsu's age, right? Wouldn't she be your friend too?"

"I wouldn't be friends with someone like her. Besides, she doesn't like me either. She once asked me if she were the prettiest girl I know, and I told her compared to our friend - the one I crushed on - she looks like a potato."

No wonder…

"Ritsu got mad at me. He told me I'm not supposed to be honest and call girls ugly, even though I called her a potato, not ugly."

"Ahaha… I suppose he's not wrong. You were a surprisingly mean older brother, Kageyama-kun."

Well…

I squeeze my lips together, smiling yet looking like I'm swallowing a bitter pill. "Mishima-san, you would definitely hate me if you'd met me back then." I'm pretty sure she'll change her mind quickly about being friends.

"I think 'hate' is too much. Anyway," - she changes the subject away from the seriousness - "Changing is part of growing up. Oh, maybe that's what's what's happening with Ritsu-kun? It's not a bad thing. Maybe he's looking for an image change."

Changing would mean there's a cause of unhappiness. I don't actually know what Ritsu wants. He used to wish he had psychic powers like me. I've always been concerned he would become jealous over time… Has he?

There is something I've always wanted to know from the perspective of another person.

"Mishima-san, I have a question."

She nods and pays close attention.

"If you have an amazing older brother who not only excels in academics and sports, but is also a unique person in the entire world, what would you do?"

It's clearly me but having to be vague about the superpower thing. However, for some reason, Mishima-san has narrowed her eyes at me with a doubtful stare. "Are you talking about yourself, Kageyama-kun?"

"Yeah."

She eyes at me with a harder, more intense look. While he's right with the academics and sports, I don't see him the same way as before. A former classmate who hasn't talked to you in years suddenly spilling his issues with his little brother leaves a pretty big impression. I don't know if he takes pride in being number one in the grade, but does he really care? Wait, hold on, didn't he used to only draw in class?

I really did not expect Mishima-san to think this hard about a hypothetical question from this angle. Can't she just say something like, "I will feel like I have to do well too!" or "That would make me feel unworthy."

Kageyama-kun doesn't have friends but it seems like that's by choice. But I think he'll struggle even if he tried. I mean, all he talks about is Ritsu-kun. That would kill the mood instantly but hmm, I guess I find it cute. He seems so capable, but he's actually so hopeless that he'll barge in my house at New Year and eat biscuits in my room to feel better. Rather than an older brother, isn't this the opposite? Kageyama-kun as my little brother… Oh, the past months are making more sense now.

This is not what I wanted to know from the perspective of another person.

I clear my throat. "There's… a reason Ritsu and I are performing well. Though in my case, I don't have to work - "

The response I get is immediate. "It's so people don't think you two are delinquents, right?"

I gape, baffled. Is Mishima-san psychic? "You can tell?"

"It's pretty obvious. I imagine it must have been hard convincing people that pink hair is natural."

I rub my forearm absently. "It would be a lot more convincing if we weren't born with normal, black hair."

"I didn't know that," she whispers, surprised.

Few people did. The change happened when we were very young, but it so happened that it hit right when we entered first grade. Our classmates at that time couldn't have remembered, but parents have their own information network. Children will ask their parents about us, or they'll overhear the alluring secrets from hushed conversations between adults. There are even parents out there who will take the initiative to tell them, Stay away from the Kageyama brothers. They must have gotten involved in a cult if the school is allowing it.

I know there are people whose hair is white on birth due to a medical condition, so I didn't think pink hair was completely off the table. Mishima-san was telling the truth about her mom based on her thoughts. It doesn't seem like she was one of those parents.

"I don't like the trouble it caused my family, but the worst part was Ritsu not recognizing me. He was only five," I tell Mishima-san, who seems stunned. "But obviously, it still made me sad. I had a lot of time, so I repeatedly had this thought in my head, 'If only Ritsu looked like me, then he'll understand we're brothers.' So either I infected him with what I had, or I'm a psychic who can affect reality with the mere thought of it."