TW/CW Memories indicative of historical sexual abuse.
Friday afternoon Emma had to film the letter scene, she really wasn't looking forward to it, but she knew that she needed to get it over with like it or not, so it was with a slightly heavy heart that she returned to the warehouse studio's that day and waited apprehensively outside the doorway leading into Leah's B n B.
Emma took the envelope from the directors outstretched hand, glancing down at four letters written in Regina's intricate scrawl that spelled Emma's character's name 'LEAH' in the centre of what was otherwise an empty white space.
Grasping the envelope firmly in her fist, Emma walked onto the set, stood on her mark, and waited for her cue.
Moments later the sound of the clapper board coming down with a bang indicated that it was time to go, Emma walked in through the doorway pulling the letter from the envelope as she went just as the script directed that she should, then lowering herself onto Leah's bed she kicked her shoes off, put her feet up, leaned back on the pillows and began to read it,
As her eyes skimmed silently over the lines a nearby speaker crackled to life and her own voice began to filter through reciting the lines in front of her just as she had been expecting to happen but a couple of sentences into the letter something happened that she wasn't expecting, and it was something that threw her completely, the voice coming from the speaker suddenly changed as Emma's voice gave way to Regina's for the remainder of the letter contents.
Unbeknownst by Emma because Gold had wanted it that way Regina had also taken a trip to the recording studio the same day that she had but Gold had been very clear in his instruction that they be kept apart so that Emma wouldn't know so that he would be able to drop this little bomb shell on her during filming, his aim, to aid in the authenticity of Emma's performance, he believed that unexpectantly hearing the words in letter read in Regina's voice might provoke a more emotional response from Emma than hearing the pre-recording that she had made herself and he wasn't wrong.
Regina's voice flowed steadily through the speakers reciting those terrible words from the letter and Emma's brain froze. She knew that she was supposed to move from the bed, kick a drawer in frustration, lean against the door and slide down it before crying heartbroken tears over Isabella's story, but she just couldn't move hearing Regina telling her how Isabella had suffered was simply too much for Emma to handle in that moment.
Trying to save the scene Emma eventually forced herself to stand up intending to kick the drawer but ended up stopping in her tracks as she became even more lost in Regina's rich dulcet tones, and suddenly terrible memories of things that she had thought she had long gotten over crashed over her rendering her completely unable to perform as expected, instead, letter tight in her grip she collapsed to the floor under the sudden give of her legs uncontrollable wretched sobs echoing from deep within her.
In her head she was a girl again cowering in her bedroom as her foster father approached her, his once white shirt stained with the food that the animal had dribbled down himself and his breath stinking of booze,
"Please don't" she pleaded eyes widening with fear and tears beginning to roll down her cheeks
"What have I told you about crying girl" he slurred, back handing her across her cheek leaving an angry red mark behind and making her squeal, she hastily wiped her eyes and didn't cry anymore, it never helped anyway, tears just made him mad,
"There's my Good Girl" he leered undoing his belt and removing it as he got closer to her…
Somewhere in her mind Emma vaguely wondered why nobody called cut but couldn't find it in herself to care enough to look up and see what was going on outside of her bubble of devastation, to lost was she in the sea of words spoken in Regina's voice depicting the terrible things that had happened to Isabella,
while trapped in the back of her head a younger terrified Emma still sat on the floor her foster father looming over her with his trousers now pooled around his ankles, she continued to stare steadily forward straight through the gap between his bare hairy legs eyes locked with the frightened eyes of another younger foster child who stood frozen in the doorway like a deer caught in headlights watching the scene unfold in front of her apparently stuck somewhere between fight and flight, and then there was that oh to familiar sickening sensation of his hand on Emma's hair caressing it for the briefest of moments before it clenched with a vice like grip and pulled hard wrenching her head back and forcing Emma to look up at him…
She knew what she was hearing wasn't real for Regina, or at least she hoped it wasn't, but it was far too close to what had been real for her, and hearing those words spoken from Regina's mouth brought the memories crashing back and the very thought of any of those these horrible things happening to her like they had once happened to Emma was too much for Emma to bare. More fresh tears began to spill and now he was so close to her that she could feel his breath on her face and smell the rancid stench of alcohol so that she had to fight not to throw up...
A sudden snap of the clapper board finally pulled Emma fully back to her present reality with a start, blinking she slowly rose to her feet tears still flowing uncontrollably as images from the past began to fade, much to her annoyance Gold was standing not far away rubbing his hands together looking victorious,
"Not quite what I had in mind, but I loved the improv, it was perfect" he smiled cluelessly
Regina who had gravitated towards the set when she had heard Emma's first guttural cry glared at the man who was forcibly holding her in place at Golds request because he didn't want her ruining his shoot by running on set to comfort Emma, the man visibly recoiling released her as though she were on fire and she ran forward before anybody else could stop her eyes full of concern as reached out for Emma who uncontrollably flinched away from her touch causing Regina to pull back in alarm,
"Sorry, I didn't mean to invade your space" Regina murmured eyes tinged with sadness and concern,
"It's okay" Emma assured her offering her a small, exhausted smile while internally hating herself for flinching, "I just, I need a few minutes" she heard herself say before she fled the scene.
Regina waited for as long as she could stand it, then she went to find her something for which Emma felt surprisingly grateful for when the brunette quietly settled next to her a few minutes later.
"Do you want to talk about it?" she asked being careful not to encroach on Emma's space,
"Not really" Emma sniffed "It's just bad stuff that happened to me when I was kid in care, before I came to Granny ya know, it or rather he" she said with a shudder "was what I was running away from when I got caught stealing and almost ended up in Juvi Hall"
Regina nodded her understanding nausea bubbling away in her stomach at the thought of the things that Emma had gone through as a child,
"Do you want a hug" she offered opening her arms to receive a watery eyed Emma who nodded and all but threw herself into them sobbing unconsolably into Regina's shoulder as she wrapped her arms around her and tried to soothe her.
"It's just listening to that recording" Emma gasped out choking back sobs "the thought of you going through something like that, something like I did, I just couldn't bear it and then I kept seeing him, and, and…." She trailed off unable to speak anymore,
"Oh Emma" Regina's voice broke as she was moved almost beyond words, she briefly pulled back from Emma's embrace looking into the blondes tear stained face, moisture brimming her own dark eyes and threatening to spill over at any second, she gently caressed Emma's cheek with her thumb and Emma closing her eyes leaned into the touch, Regina's first tears fell unseen by Emma as she spoke,
"I've come across some jerks in my time" she sniffed "Some who have tried to push boundaries, but I promise there's been nothing like what happened to Isabella or you, it breaks my heart that you went through something so horrible" Regina swallowed painfully and pulled Emma back close enveloping her in her warm arms and the musky scent of her perfume.
Emma didn't remember falling to sleep but she knew she must have because she was suddenly waking up still cuddled up in Regina's arms who it felt like was planting a gentle kiss in the top of her hair,
"I can't believe I fell asleep" Emma murmured without moving,
"Don't worry it was only for a few minutes" Regina's voice rumbled comfortingly from above her "I'm so sorry Emma I'd never have agreed to keeping that recording a secret had I known how it would affect you"
"It's really okay Regina" Emma replied "you weren't to know"
"Still, I hate that you were hurt like that" Regina gave her a little squeeze,
"Well, if it makes you feel any better, I feel so much better now because of you" Emma said smiling at Regina as she reluctantly pulled away from the safety of her warm embrace,
"Well, I must say that I'm very happy to hear" Regina smiled back.
Both Emma and Regina had to return to hair and make-up after that to get themselves tidied up and Regina had to get a fresh shirt because hers was marked with make-up from Emma's face, by time they were both freshened up and ready to start filming again it was time for lunch, like she did every lunchtime now Regina accompanied Emma to Grannies where their order was sat waiting for them at their usual table when they walked in, taking Emma's lead Regina didn't mention the incident that morning again and the two passed a companionable half an hour littered with light conversation between mouthfuls of Grannies delicious cooking and both were feeling a lot better by the time they left the diner, but still Emma felt that it might be a good idea to check in with Archie somewhen soon.
That evening after a wrap was called, they returned to their trailers ahead of their weekend off, Emma was sitting contemplating calling Dr Hopper to talk through the day's events, when a faint knocking announced the arrival of a visitor,
"Regina" she beamed when she opened the door to reveal the brunette standing on the other side "I thought that you would have left by now, not that I'm complaining" she assured stepping aside to permit Regina entrance,
"Yes, well I couldn't leave without checking to see if you were okay first" Regina replied "Are you? Okay I mean?" she asked brow furrowed in concern as she stepped across the threshold and pulled Emma into a warm hug which Emma happily returned "I would stay if I could" Regina murmured a little regretfully as they parted seconds later,
"It's fine, I'll be okay, you go enjoy your weekend say hello to Zee for me and remember to send me a text when you've landed safely" Emma smiled waving her off,
"I will and you remember that I'm only a text or a call away" Regina called back returning the wave as she lowered herself into the back of the car.
Emma felt the loss as soon as the car pulled away taking Regina with it, she didn't want to think about what that might mean and she couldn't lose herself in anymore tears that day, instead she sat down and finally dialled Archies number to confide in him about her day,
"Archie Hoppers phone how can I help you?" the doctors soothing voice sounded just after the fifth ring,
"Hey Archie, It's me Emma"
"Emma" Archie replied, "how lovely to hear from you, how have you been?"
"To tell the truth it's been a bit of hard day" Emma sighed "I was wondering if I could take you up on that offer of an appointment"
"Of course, How does ten in the morning sound?"
"But it's Saturday tomorrow you never open on a Saturday?"
"Well, I can make an exception for my favourite patient" Emma could hear the smile in his voice as Archie spoke,
"Are you sure, we could always just talk over the phone" Emma said
"Emma" Dr Hopper chuckled "You know me better than that, I'm old fashioned, I like to see my patients face to face, so how about it, my office, tomorrow at ten?"
"Sounds good" Emma replied "I'll see you then"
With that they said their goodbyes and leaving her phone on the coffee table Emma went for a long hot shower, she was in bed reading through her script when her phone finally lit up with Regina's name,
I've landed safe,
How are you feeling,
R x
Emma read the message smile gracing her lips as she tapped back,
I'm good thanks,
Enjoy your weekend,
See you Monday
Emma x
Then placing her phone and script on her bedside table Emma yawned, stretched rolled over and went to sleep with a smile on her face.
Young Emma was sat on the floor again back pressed against the wall, eyes locked with her foster sisters in the doorway as her fowl smelling, filthy, pot-bellied foster father loomed over her his hand caressing her hair,
"That's my good girl" he said wrenching her head back and crouching down to her level forcing her to look straight into his bloodshot eyes, his face moved closer still his pungent breath filling her nostrils, acid rapidly rose in her throat as she closed her eyes ready to block him out as she always did…
She was sat frozen waiting with bated breath for what she knew was about to come next, only it didn't, and she suddenly realised she wasn't sat on the cold hard floor anymore, she was led down on something soft and warm, but how? She didn't remember moving, had she passed out? Heart racing she slowly opened her eyes ready for the worst, tears of relief sprung when she found herself looking at the ceiling of her trailer, she sat up wiped her eyes and looked at the time, four thirty am, she wanted to go back to sleep but she couldn't get rid of the images of her fading nightmare, the sheets were screwed up and damp evidence that she had been thrashing about in a cold sweat while memories from the past had haunted her dreams.
Sitting up she dried her eyes, stripped her bedsheets leaving them piled in the corner and took a quick shower remaking the bed when she was done and slipping between the fresh sheets it was just after five now, she had three hours before she needed to be up but try as she might she just couldn't fall back to sleep, at six she gave up and went to make a coffee, taking it with her to the sofa where she restlessly flicked through channels on the TV.
She was thrilled when she happened upon one of Regina's old movies, she'd seen It before and it was half over but still it brought her comfort to see the brunettes face, hear her voice, though she had to admit that it also felt a little strange watching her on screen for the first time since they had met, she wasn't just watching someone that she was a fan of anymore, now she was watching a friend.
The alarm sounded at eight rousing Emma and making her feel extremely grateful that she hadn't gotten around to turning it off because it seemed that the movie had done what lying quietly in bed had failed to and lulled her into peaceful, dreamless sleep, she just had time for a second coffee, some toast and a quick freshen up before it was time for her to leave and head over to see Archie. Her trailer was further from the doctor's office than the loft was, so she took the bug.
She was just parking up when her phone lit up showing a new message from Regina
Good morning, I hope that
you slept well
R x
Morning, it was a bit
of a rough night but
I'm starting to feel a little better now,
Emma x
The phone pinged seconds after Emma's reply
What do you mean Regina demanded to know What happened?
I just had a nightmare Emma replied honestly But I really do feel a lot better now, she smiled, switched off her phone and slipped it into her pocket it felt good knowing that Regina cared about her, then she stepped out of the car and for the first time in over ten years, she walked across the threshold into Archie's office as his patient.
"I can't imagine how hard that must have been for you Emma" Archie said after he had listened to her tale, "I'm not surprised your nightmare returned, but I think you handled yourself really well yesterday and you even opened up to Regina a little, you didn't bottle it all up, I'm really proud of you Emma, and it's great that you've found someone you feel you can trust just don't trust to easily to early Emma" He smiled gently his voice soothing her as it always had when she was a teenager after she had confided in him something painful,
"Don't worry Archie, I know how to keep myself safe" Emma assured him,
"Oh, I know you do" Archie replied "but still I worry about you, occupational hazard I'm afraid" but Emma knew it was more than just that, she and Archie had developed a mutual respect, and he really did care about her as she did about him.
Emma talked with Archie and he reminded her of the relaxation exercises that he had given her in her teens meant to help her to clear her mind and relax her body before sleep, Emma mentally kicked herself for not thinking about doing them the night before, sure they hadn't always worked in the past but gradually her nightmares had become less and less frequent until she hadn't needed to use the exercises anymore not long after the nightmares went away her meetings with Archie had also come to their natural conclusion, until Archie brought them up she hadn't even thought about them, maybe if she had her past wouldn't have come back to haunt her as she slept last night.
"Don't beat yourself up Emma" Archie seemed to read her mind as he watched the emotions play across her face "you had a highly emotional day and you haven't needed to do those exercises for a long time, It's understandable that you had forgotten about them, if anything I should have reminded you last night when you called but I'm afraid I too am flawed and I didn't think to mention it" he offered her a small apologetic smile,
"It's not your fault either Archie" Emma sighed "I sure wish I could forget that creep and the things he did to me as easily as I forgot my relaxation exercises" Emma shuddered
"Emma trauma affects us all differently, sometimes our brains block it out entirely, other times it makes us remember every detail and the tiniest trigger can have us right back there reliving it, how we each react is not something that we can control, we can only try to find peace with our inner demons, you've already done that Emma, but even when we've worked as hard as you have to chase them away sometimes they catch up to us again, that doesn't mean that you're stuck with them like you once were, you just need to find that inner peace again, I have every faith that you can, and I'm here whenever you need me" He smiled warmly and leaned forward placing a comforting hand on Emma's upper arm,
"Thank-you Archie" Emma returned the smile patting his hand on her arm, feeling much lighter than when she had entered the session.
Back in her car she checked her phone and found three missed calls from Regina, frowning she hit the button to call back and was surprised when a very concerned sounding Regina answered on the first ring, she must have been sitting by the phone waiting for her call,
"Emma, thank goodness" Regina breathed a sigh of relief and Emma felt terrible for making her worry however unintentional,
"Sorry, I went to see my old therapist this morning, I turned my phone off while we were talking, I wouldn't have if I'd known you'd call and be worried" she explained
"Your therapist Emma" Regina sounded more concerned
"Yeah, Granny set me up with him when I first moved down here, he helped through all this stuff before" Emma explained
"And did he help you today?" Regina asked
"You know, I think he did" Emma smiled "It's sweet of you to worry but I really am okay"
"Well, that's good to hear, I wish I was back there with you, I hated leaving you alone after yesterday"
"Regina I'm fine please don't let yesterday spoil your weekend with your sister" Emma pleaded
"Speaking of Zee" she's taking the late flight to the UK tonight, so I've rearranged my flight to the first one in the morning" Regina told Emma
"Really" Emma exclaimed "so what time will you be back?"
"Around lunch time, so I thought maybe we could meet at Grannies" Regina said
"Sounds good to me" Emma grinned,
"Great I'll see you then, listen I'm really glad you're okay Emma but I've got to go now Zee's waiting to go shopping"
"Okay Regina see you tomorrow" Emma replied
"I'll text you later Emma, have a good day, bye" Regina said
"You too, bye" Emma smiled hanging up, and dumping her phone in the passenger seat before putting her car into drive and heading back to her trailer in the complex, tired from her restless night's sleep Emma did her exercises then slipped between her sheets for a nap.