Hello dear readers.

I hope you will receive the notification for this chapter.

A huge thank you to Pixie.

A huge thank you to you, dear readers, dear guests for your reviews that make the Reel dance to my heart.

Warning: Some comments may shock or irritate readers. This story is a fiction, I don't share in any way the views of the characters on homosexuality. Charles and Elsie are characters from the Victorian era, with all that this may imply in terms of misunderstanding and intolerance. In those days, Thomas was considered a criminal for loving men.

I am available to discuss this with you. My intention is not to hurt people.

chapter 4

He was so apprehensive about this moment. He thought she was immortal, that a Lady like her could not die, and yet... He kept calling himself an idiot. He knew she was ill, it was no secret to anyone in the house. He thought he was prepared, but no.

He had gone for a walk, before putting on his suit and his mourning armband. When he came back to their cottage, he had put on his suit and he still needed to breathe a little, so he had gone out again just to walk around their garden.

On his way back, Elsie was dusting off his bowler hat and handed it to him. She had looked at him with love and compassion, and smiled. There was everything in that smile. "I'm here, I understand, I'm staying with you, I love you."

Then they had walked to Downton Abbey, he wanted to speak with Lady Mary, unofficially to go over with her the terms of his return as acting butler, officially he wanted to make sure she knew he was there if she needed him. Elsie was not fooled, but for once she did not tease him. She understood.

He had always known what a wonderful woman she was.

He couldn't even remember how many times his Elsie had been there to support him, to care for him, to comfort him... long before she became his wife, she had become indispensable to his balance. Knowing that she was close to him at such times warmed his heart.

Yet a few days before they had had a heated argument about Barrow. Oh how he had been shocked and scandalized by the path this...man had chosen. To give up such a prestigious position as butler of Downton Abbey to go and live in sin, a disgusting life, with this...this aging actor, in broad daylight, in full view of everyone. It was too much for Charles.

When Elsie had told him the news, he had been angry and it was Elsie who was on the front line. She had tried to explain to him that it was better for Thomas, that he might finally be happy and less bitter. That he might be "deviant" but that he had not chosen it, and that he deserved like any other human being to know happiness.

Charles had understood that she had encouraged Thomas to wallow in this disgusting lust, and he had said things that had gone beyond his thoughts. Accusing Elsie of siding with perversion, that Barrow's and that filthy actor's place was in prison, and that she should certainly follow them since she encouraged them, that she was as disgusting as they were and that she was just a... Unfortunately he had not been able to take back the insulting words he had spoken. Anger made him say terrible things.

He had been unable to do anything, she had said nothing to him, taking the insult with her head held high, before going out into the night to get away from him.

He had waited for her, worried. She had returned a few hours later. He had tried to talk to her, but she had not wanted to hear anything. She had simply gone to their room and come out with a pillow and a blanket, which she had thrown on the sofa and said to him:

"Good night. " And locked herself in their room for the night.

It was only when Violet died four days later that she came back to him with the news.

She hadn't mentioned their fight, she'd supported him when he collapsed in his chair, and in the evening she'd taken him back to their bed and let him snuggle up to her to cry.

Then the next morning over breakfast, she simply said to him:

"We're calling a truce Charlie, but I'm still mad at you."

He had simply nodded, he knew he deserved much worse for calling her a... No, he couldn't even think it.

For now she was here, with him by her side and he knew she loved him.

She was just stubborn and a bit resentful. He knew they would eventually make up.

He had always known that Elsie was a woman of character.

The funeral procession moved slowly towards the church. Elsie had taken Charles' hand. Never mind that he thought it was inappropriate, never mind that propriety dictated that she simply put her hand through her husband's arm.

They needed to be close to each other. She knew he needed to feel her hand in his and she would give him what he needed to ease his grief.

oOo

It had been a trying day. They had returned to their cottage in the evening still holding hands.

He felt drained. He sat in a chair around the table while Elsie worked in the kitchen making coffee and placing a leftover cake on a plate.

She set it down in front of him and served him his coffee.

"Drink Charlie and eat a little, it will do you good. "

He did as she said without complaint. His hand had started to shake again, so he took his cup with both hands and heard Elsie sigh before getting up and leaving for the bedroom, slamming the door.

Charles had closed his eyes to try and get rid of the sadness and to be able to talk to Elsie properly.

He got up in turn, without clearing the table, and joined Elsie.

She had put on her nightgown, and was brushing her hair, sitting in front of the dressing table mirror.

"Can we talk?" Charles asked.

"Were you going to tell me?"

"Tell you what?"

"Oh don't play dumb with me, Charlie. Were you going to tell me that your hand started shaking again? "

"I would have told you, but you're mad at me."

"Of course it's because of me..."

"I didn't say that, Elsie. My hand is shaking again, yes. It started after my first night on the couch. Lack of sleep, I suppose. The stress of our argument and finally Lady Grantham's death made the shaking worse. Doctor Clarkson thinks rest will do me good."

"Oh, Doctor Clarkson thinks so, does he? I'm not blind, Charles, I noticed as soon as your hand started to shake again. I was waiting for you to tell me about it, it would have been a way for both of us to start talking again, and maybe you would have apologised. But no, you preferred to lie to me. And how do you plan to deal with your tremor and your role as my butler now?"

"I don't know."

"Well, you'd better think about it. You wouldn't want to disappoint Lady Mary, would you? "

"I'll be working less than before, my role will be mostly to find and train a successor. Tomorrow I'll talk to Andrew...Elsie, are you crying?"

Yes, she was crying, but he had been far too busy trying to find the right words to get her to stop being angry with him that he hadn't noticed. He could have slapped himself in the face at his lack of judgment.

Elsie sniffed loudly, wiped her eyes with her hands and shrugged.

She looked upset, and he came over to her, spread his arms in a silent invitation, and she came and snuggled up to him as he wrapped his arms around her.

She was sobbing against his chest now, he could even feel her shaking slightly.

"Oh Elsie, my love, please don't cry. I know I've been odius to you, get mad at me, yell at me, hit me if it makes you feel better, but please don't cry anymore. I didn't mean to hurt you, I really didn't mean to hurt you."

He felt lousy, but at least she wasn't running away from him like she had been for almost ten days now. He tightened his grip.

She finally calmed down, felt safe enough to pull away from his warm, reassuring embrace.

"It's not that, Charlie. I know you spoke without thinking, it's not the first time you've insulted me without really meaning it. I think a few nights on the couch and my silence has punished you enough." She wiped away the tears that continued to roll down her cheeks.

"What is it then? Is it Lady Grantham's death that upsets you? I'm sorry Elsie, once again I'm just a selfish primate. I only thought of my own pain without thinking of yours... Forgive me my dear, please talk to me."

"Oh my Charlie... I don't want... (sob) I don't want (sob) I don't want to lose you." And she collapsed back into Charles' arms.

"Lose me? You're not going to lose me my love, I'm here, I'm not leaving, I'm not going anywhere. "

He felt her nod against him.

"I know it's a silly fear but I have no control over it." She had managed to get her voice under control enough to speak again.

"But Lady Grantham's death has stirred some fears in me. I can't help thinking of our own death. I don't mind my own, but the thought that one day you will leave me terrifies me. And your hand starting to shake again, you'll go back to being a butler, you'll wear yourself out and I can't do anything about it, and I don't want to see you die."

"Oh my Elsie... I don't intend to die now. I'll work less, I've discussed it with Lady Mary, she knows I can't take on certain tasks any more, she worries about me too you know. She won't ask me to do more than I can give. And I promise you I won't burn out like I did before I retired. I know that the rest, my life with you, the fact that I've never been happier, has helped my shaking to stop almost completely. I don't want it to happen again if I can avoid it. Believe me, it's only temporary. Besides, I know you'll be there to pull my ear if I ever overdo it. You know I listen to you, even if I'm griping at you, I always listen to you. I don't want you to worry about me, Elsie. I know what I'm doing and what I can't do anymore."

"Maybe you do. It's silly, I know." she took her husband's face in her hands so she could look him straight in the eye.

"I love you Charles Carson. I love you so much. I don't want us to fight like we have the last few days. You have the right to disagree with me, to not understand some of my decisions, but you do not have the right to insult me. Because I am your wife, because you love me. So instead of letting your anger and insults out, you're going to promise me that you'll take a step back, that you'll let it all rest for a few hours and we'll talk about our disagreements after this break. I don't want to be hurt or insulted by my husband anymore. I just want to enjoy you and us while we have the time. I keep thinking, if something had happened to you, you would have died while we were angry. And I don't want that. I just want us to love each other."

"I promise you I will never say those horrible things again. I'm ashamed that I got carried away and I want you to forgive me, my love, because I love you and seeing you turn your back on me, refusing to speak to me or even eat at the same table as me, not to mention not being by your side at night, is the worst pain for me. I can't do without you. Since marrying you, I've become a total Elsie addict. "

She let herself go for a few more seconds in his embrace. This little chat had done them good.

"Charlie?"

"Yes?"

"Would you mind clearing the table before you come to bed?"

He let out one of those dramatic sighs he was so good at, but he did as she asked without too much reluctance. It was time for peace.

When he returned she was already in bed, he prepared himself for the night and joined her a few minutes later and Elsie came to snuggle with him.

"Ah, that's better. This is how all our nights should be, with no distance between us."

"I agree Charlie. Don't think I enjoyed it, I punished myself as much as you did you know."

He grunted his understanding.

"Charlie?"

"Elsie?"

"You know, I may be worried about you going back to work, but part of me is glad to have you back in the house at your old job. We make a good team together don't we? "

"We make the best team in England my love. I'm a bit anxious about getting back into the swing of things too, but I'm proud to be called back in when needed and really happy to be working with you again. I'm sure we'll have a great time."

"Charlie?"

"Yes Elsie?"

"Do you think we'll be allowed to have a great time in your pantry?"

"What?" Elsie, you're not implying what I think you're implying? Are you?"

"Maybe... Look me straight in the eye and dare to tell me you never thought about it during our working hours?"

He couldn't look her in the eye and a slight blush settled permanently on his cheeks and ears, and it made Elsie smile.

"Good. You see, we shared the same thoughts..."

He grumbled, and turned away from her to plunge them into the dark. He didn't want her to see him blush over her saucy thoughts anymore.

"Elsie?"

"Yes Charlie?"

"Am I forgiven?"

"You're forgiven. But don't ever do it again. You know I carry a pair of scissors on my chatelaine, and I won't hesitate to use them."

She heard him laugh softly, as he pulled her a little closer to him.

"I don't doubt for a moment that you would use it. But thank you for forgiving me. Now I'm going to try to forgive myself for being the bloody idiot I am."

"That's a good idea my beloved idiot."

She fell asleep soon after, smiling against her husband's body. She felt loved and protected and she was determined to make the most of their remaining time together.

Charles sighed with relief. He had always known that Elsie was a sensitive woman. Sometimes stern. But always gentle, and sensitive, and he was so in love with his Mrs Hughes.

TBC...