Disclaimer: Ditto

Content Warning: Vomit, Abuse, Intrusive thoughts

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Barnacles was staring a hole through the bathroom mirror. The only audible sound was the hum of the Octopod running, but his mind was louder than a jet engine. All that was going through his head was blame.

"It's your fault that Shellington has no self-esteem."

"It's your fault he has such crippling anxiety."

"It's your fault he had a mental breakdown."

"It's your fault for letting yourself and you crew mock him behind his back."

"It's your fault for not stepping in sooner."

"It's your fault."

"It's YOUR fault."

"It's YOUR FAULT."

"IT'S YOUR FAULT."

"IT'S YOUR FAULT."

He looked away from the mirror. He didn't want to look at himself anymore. He covered his face with his paw. How could he have let things come to this? Why didn't he do something sooner?

Suddenly, he heard someone frantically smacking at the door, wanting to come in. He opened the door, and Shellington nudged past him and vomited up several mouthfuls of water and whatever was left of his medicine into the toilet.

"Look at him," thought Barnacles. "His sense of security has been so thoroughly destroyed that he feels he can't even keep a bin by his bed when he's sick."

Shellington cleaned the vomit from his face and looked up at his captain. Barnacles got down on his knees, and the weak little otter clung to him like a burr.

Barnacles said nothing. He just held his cold, shaky crewmate.

"Captain…" Shellington whispered. "I'm sorry for disturbing you."

Barnacles clenched his teeth. This was not how a captain should act. "It's not your fault, champ."

"I know, but I just woke up and felt this sharp pain in my belly and I thought 'I can get to the bathroom'...I know my being ill is upsetting people, I just didn't want to make it worse-"

"No, really, it's fine." Barnacles hoisted Shellington up into his arms and pulled his nightcap back onto his head. "Come on, back to bed." He brought him back to bed. But he didn't leave. He stayed there and pulled up a chair.

"What are you doing?" Shellington croaked.

"I'm not ready to leave your side just yet," said Barnacles. "I made a mistake. A very big mistake." He took a moment to find the words before opening up. "When I became captain, I swore that I would treat every last one of my crewmates with the utmost respect, no matter what. And I made you feel like that respect was something you didn't deserve and had to earn."

"But Captain…" Shellington rubbed his eyes, "I thought respect was something you're supposed to earn."

"No, no. Respect is a given. Maintaining that respect is what's earned." Barnacles looked deep into Shellington's eyes. "I aimed to treat you respectfully from the moment I found you. And to this day, you've proven time and time again that you still deserve that respect."

Shellington was quiet. He simply adjusted himself so he could lie on his side.

"Do you remember when you woke up and your books were misplaced? Something about Princess Pelican or whatever it's called?"

Shellington nodded.

"That was my fault. I borrowed one of your books for a mission. Didn't want you knowing it was missing."

Shellington pouted.

"I know it wasn't right, but it was late at night and I didn't want to wake you. So…I just let you believe that your mind was slipping."

Shellington averted eye contact.

"…I understand now why you didn't want to come to me and talk about your problems." Barnacles sighed. "It was me who was the problem."

Shellington sighed. "I would have preferred having you in school, instead of that brutish bulldog I got."

Barnacles presses his paw against Shellington's forehead. He felt warm. Shellington moaned. "I feel dreadful."

"There's a cloth on the side table," said Barnacles, looking to the side. He picked it up. It was warm and damp. He got up to soak it in cold water, rung it out, then came back to the lab and pressed it to Shellington's forehead. He squirmed and fussed a bit, but reluctantly accepted this attempt at relieving his fever.

"Captain, I..." Shellington wiggled a bit further under the blanket. "I hope this isn't too much trouble for you."

Barnacles stiffened his expression. His eyes were stinging, but he resisted the urge to cry. "On my honour as an Octonaut, and as your guardian, I swear that things are going to change around here."

Shellington gave him a weak smile before drifting off again.

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The Octopod powered up for the day. Barnacles, who had been half-asleep for the past few hours, came back around. He looked over at Shellington, who was sound asleep. He growled.

"It's your fault."

He got up and exited the lab.

"What kind of captain am I?"

He went up to his own bedroom. For some reason, everything in the room felt drained of colour.

Meanwhile in the kitchen, the rest of the Octonauts were quietly eating their breakfast.

Once again, it was Lekona who broke the silence. "So…how is everyone doing this morning?"

"Koshi's finally gotten to The Mysterious Whisper of Windwillow Meadow," said Dashi.

"Anita built her own toaster," said Tweak.

"Ichiro has taken up painting," said Kitsune.

"Susan from school got a boyfriend," said Deborah.

"Very nice, ladies," said Lekona. "Men? Anything to declare?"

The male Octonauts all remained silent.

"Say, what's taking the captain so long?" Lekona asked, getting up to go find him. When he entered the captain's quarters, he found him sitting on his bed, blankly staring.

"Captain? Are you alright?"

Barnacles looked up at Lekona and scowled. He was not happy. And if he wasn't happy, why should anyone else be? "Out."

"But Captain, your breakfast-"

"Get. Out."

Lekona held his tongue and left the room.

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It was now later in the evening. Barnacles had still not come out of his room.

"Someone should go see him," said Elekai.

"I will." Deborah volunteered herself. She hopped down the Octo-Chute heading for the captain's quarters. It was a rather new experience for her; being both a junior officer and the youngest Octonaut put her at the bottom of the food chain, and thus she had never been permitted to enter that room before. When she came in, something immediately felt…off. It felt wrong.

"Captain?"

Barnacles looked up.

"You haven't been out of your room all day." She approached him. "You must be really upset about this."

Now, normally Barnacles enjoyed Deborah's company. One might say she felt like a niece or even a daughter to him.

But this time?

Something inside of him just.

Completely.

Snapped.

"Why shouldn't I be mad?! That kid had a mental breakdown right there in my arms, and not only did I do nothing to prevent it, I was the goddamn problem the whole time!"

Deborah's shoulders tensed up. "Well…you didn't know he was taking it so personally. You know, sometimes it's hard to tell when friendly teasing is going too far."

"There was nothing friendly about what I was doing!" Barnacles towered over Deborah. "How can you be staying so happy about this?!"

Now Deborah was starting to feel threatened. "Uh…well, I never really said anything about him. And when I go and talk to Peso, he says Shellington's getting better. So he's not gonna be in bed forever. Soon he'll be better and everything will be alright."

"Oh, you naïve child," said Barnacles, "do you not realize how serious this is?!"

"Y-yes," said Deborah, taking a step back. "I know that things are really hard for him. But Peso says his temperature is going down and he's reading again. He's healing, captain."

"Oh my god, Deborah," grumbled Barnacles, "physical healing and mental healing are not the same! He's cooled down, he can look at a goddamn slab of paper and ink, that doesn't mean he's not still torn up inside because I treated him like garbage!"

"You weren't treating him poorly," said Deborah. "You were saying some things you didn't realize were hurt-"

"Do you not hear yourself?!" Barnacles was full-on shouting at Deborah. "You don't even realize what's going on! I tore that boy down brick by brick, I eviscerated his self-esteem, and you have the nerve to come in here with your healing optimism rubbish! Tell me, what have you done at all for him?! Because as far I can see, all you've done is keep your bratty ass out of the way! Nothing at all to help him or make him feel good about himself, no, you just float along just off the radar hoping no one sees you! Honestly, I should have left you in the library!"

Deborah was trembling from the tips of her ears all the way down to the bottom of her hooves. Her breath was shaky, and there were tears in her eyes. Finally, she exploded. "What did I ever do to you?! You're upset with me because of what happened and you decide to do the exact same thing to me knowingly that you did to him by accident?! I was raised to believe that nothing hurts forever; how does that make me a brat?!"

Barnacles gave her a stern, angry look. "There is a difference between abuse and discipline."

For a moment, Deborah was stunned silent, until the fireworks went off again.

"You're just like my dad, you bastard!" Deborah ran out of the room with her entire face flooded and didn't stop until she reached her quarters, where she promptly slammed herself into her bed and continued wailing.

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Lekona was wandering the halls with an empty mind when he heard the sobbing coming from Deborah's quarters. He opened her door and found her still wailing.

"Hey..." He went over to her and put a paw on her back. "What's all this boohooing about?"

Deborah sat up and relayed her entire confrontation to him through hiccups and tears. Lekona's eyes went wide. He couldn't believe what he was hearing.

"...Oh my god," was all he could say. He held Deborah and rubbed her back.

Deborah sniffed. "My dad never held me like this."

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"I honestly can't believe him."

Shellington woke from his sleepy trance when he heard Elekai's voice.

"It's disgraceful." He could hear Lekona now. "Captain or not, I would have punched his lights out if he had said any of that to me."

"...Do you think she'll quit?"

"Not her. Deborah's as stubborn as she is sweet; she'd never give this job up."

Now Shellington got the message. Captain Barnacles had been shouting to Deborah.

No doubt it was his fault.

He pressed the blanket to his face and sobbed.

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It was late into the night. Barnacles was lying awake in bed. His earlier words were still running through his mind.

"Sweet Jesus. I really said that to her."

It crashed over him like a wave.

"What the hell was I thinking?"

He stared blankly into the dark, unforgiving abyss of the ocean. And he did something he hadn't done in five years.

He cried.

It wasn't ugly, but it wasn't beautiful either. It was just hot, angry liquid flowing from his eyes.

"Now I've gone and broken two of them."

He heaved a heavy, shaky sigh and closed his eyes.

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I honestly don't think I can write an appropriate outro to this.