Here's another hard conversation. Our usually easy going Lee is getting fired up! Thanks to the reviewer who suggested involving him in this conversation.

Chapter 18

Elizabeth returned home after church foregoing her usual Sunday brunch with Lee and Rosemary. She was in a state and she didn't know why or how to get out of it.

She wasn't sure what was more upsetting; Nathan's dinner date with Sarah or that Lee and Rosemary hadn't told her about it. Elizabeth put Little Jack down for his nap and took out her journal. She looked back to see the last time she'd written in it and realized it was just before Nathan and Allie had given her their list of boundaries for her to follow. Her last entry was about how optimistic she'd been that they could get their relationship back on the right track. Elizabeth couldn't believe how wrong she'd been. Elizabeth realized she'd been wrong about a lot of things.

Elizabeth had finally admitted to herself that her relationship with Lucas was not what she expected. She did care for him but he was spending so much time at the saloon or the oil office and when they did find time together he ignored Little Jack for the most part. Her book had finally been published so they no longer had that to talk about and she found their conversations very one-sided with either Lucas talking about the saloon or the oil business or she talked about school. They rarely asked about each other's work. Elizabeth found that more and more while she was with Lucas she felt lonely.

Elizabeth thought back to the day she'd told Nathan she wasn't in love with him. She knew it would hurt too much to lose him like she had Jack but what she hadn't realized at the time was that it hurt just as bad to not have him in her life. She missed Allie too.

Finding out that Nathan had taken Sarah Crawford to dinner upset Elizabeth but she knew it shouldn't. It was her decision to choose Lucas and she couldn't expect Nathan to keep waiting to see if she would change her mind. He'd told her love was always worth fighting for and she threw those words back in his face by not fighting at all. Lucas had been the easy choice.

A knock at the door brought Elizabeth out of her reverie. Expecting Rosemary she opened the door to find Lee.

"Hi Elizabeth, we just wanted to check how you are doing. We missed you at brunch."

"Where's Rosemary?"

"She's resting, she was feeling tired. Did you need me to give her a message?"

"Yes, I can't believe she didn't tell me about seeing Nathan having dinner with Sarah Crawford last night." Elizabeth had an edge to her voice that made the usually easy going Lee feeling combative.

"Why should she Elizabeth? They are welcome to have dinner together if they so choose. Why does that bother you?" Lee had a feeling he knew what was behind Elizabeth's comment but he was careful in challenging her.

"Nathan barely knows her! How does it look to Allie that he's seeing Sarah so often after just meeting her a couple of weeks ago?"

Lee had planned to take the high road in this conversation but when Elizabeth brought Allie into the equation he found he couldn't contain himself any longer. "Elizabeth, do you hear yourself? How is Nathan supposed to get to know Sarah if he doesn't spend time with her? From what I can see Allie likes her too. Elizabeth, you rejected Nathan. Did you think he was going to sit around forever waiting to see if you would change your mind? Elizabeth, Rosemary and I love you. You and Little Jack aren't just friends, you're our family but you need to realize that you gave up any right to comment on Nathan's life when you told him you weren't in love with him."

Elizabeth stood with her mouth contorted and squeezing her eyes shut to stem the flow of tears that threatened to fall. She knew Lee was right but she didn't want to admit it. Lee and Rosemary were her dearest friends but she felt so far away from them right now and she knew it was her fault.

Lee took Elizabeth in his arms. "Elizabeth you can't expect to have the same relationship with Nathan or Allie given everything that's transpired between you. It's not fair to them and it's not fair to you or Little Jack. I don't know what the status of your relationship is with Lucas and that's for you to decide. As your friend, I'm telling you that you can't continue thinking that your relationship with Nathan or Allie is ever going to be the same."

"But…"

"But what Elizabeth?"

"I do love him. And I love Allie."

Lee exhaled. "Elizabeth, we know you love them but you hurt them and that's not easily forgotten."

With that Lee left Elizabeth alone with her thoughts.

Elizabeth could hear Little Jack talking to himself up in his crib. She went up to get him and as she held him she hugged him so close that he finally said "mama, stop." Elizabeth loosened her grip on him knowing she didn't want him to sense her unrest.

After feeding Jack and settling him on the floor with his favorite toys, the blocks Nathan had made for him, she returned to her journal.

I am feeling so lost these days. I thought I loved Lucas, I thought he was my lifetime. Now I don't know. Lucas is important to me but I don't know that I can see building a life and family with him. It isn't fair to Lucas to have expectations of him that aren't realistic. I regret the pain I have caused Nathan and Allie. I don't know that I can ever make it right with them. I don't even know where to start. I pray every day that I can be the best example I can be for Little Jack but I know that right now I am not. I have also hurt my dearest friends in the world, Lee and Rosemary. I have not been a good friend to them and yet they continue to show me love and grace. I pray that I can find some peace and resolution to all my conflicting feelings and that I can help heal the hurts that I have caused.

Elizabeth finished writing and set aside her journal. She didn't know what lay before her but she knew that the most important thing was her love for Little Jack and he needed to be her focus now.