Lee and Nathan spent Saturday afternoon far outside of town in an area they were confident they wouldn't be seen. Lee thought teaching Nathan to drive would be a breeze. He was a smart man, had risen to a high level in his career, an accomplished wood worker, but he was a lousy driver. Lee was thankful they were in an area free from trees so he didn't have to worry about Nathan hitting anything. Nathan was getting frustrated at not being able to catch on to it running his hands through his hair every time he stalled the engine. He was thankful that he was in his weekend clothes and not wearing his uniform because that would just be embarrassing that a Mountie couldn't figure out how to drive. By the time Lee reviewed it for a third time it started to click for Nathan. He was finally able to drive forward without stalling the engine and after a few more tries managed reverse. After a couple of hours Lee told him he was ready for the road. By that point Nathan had almost given up on the idea so he was relieved Lee gave his approval.
Nathan and Archie were relaxing at home when Allie came home from the baby shower visibly upset. "What's wrong sweet girl?" Nathan hadn't seen her worked up like this in a long while.
"I don't know dad. We were setting up for the shower and Miss Sarah disappeared. I found her out on the back porch. She was watching you chopping wood and just stood there staring. Then during the shower while they were opening presents I looked over and I thought I saw her crying. She helped clean up and then said she had to go home because she didn't feel well." Allie was near tears not knowing what could have turned Sarah's mood so quickly.
Nathan grabbed his jacket and took off without another word. The pace of his walk bordered on a run. A pit was forming in his stomach and it grew with every step he took. He knew Sarah and Elizabeth hosting the shower together was a bad idea. Arriving at Sarah's he pounded on the door. Inside Sarah had known he would come. She knew Allie would say something to him and he wouldn't be able to stay away but she wasn't ready to see him. She couldn't get the vision of Him in Elizabeth's house with Allie and Jack out of her head. She steadied herself with a few deep breaths and wiped her eyes trying to feel stronger. The knocking continued until she finally heard Nathan calling her name.
"Nathan, I'm not feeling well, please let me rest" she lied.
"Sarah, let me in. I know something is wrong. Just let me in." Nathan's voice sounded urgent.
"No, go home. I don't want you to get sick." Sarah couldn't bring herself to talk to Nathan right now.
"Please, Sarah, open the door." Nathan sounded desperate.
"Just let me rest." Sarah was swallowing her sobs. "I'll talk to you tomorrow."
Nathan leaned against the door frame. He felt defeated. "Let me know if you need anything. I'll see you at church tomorrow." The pit in Nathan's stomach was now taking over his heart. He racked his brain trying to figure out what could be wrong. She was fine yesterday. Why wouldn't she talk to him? What happened between yesterday and today? The only thing was the baby shower but she had been so excited about it. What had Allie said? They were setting up for the shower. Sarah, Allie, and Elizabeth. Elizabeth. What had she done? The picture. Nathan arrived on Elizabeth's doorstep his emotions threatening to take over his better judgement. He knocked waiting for an answer. There was none. He knocked louder. He heard the Coulter's door open and saw Elizabeth leaving with Little Jack. Rosemary stood in the doorway also wondering what Nathan was doing there.
"Nathan, what are you doing here? Sarah went home." Elizabeth could see from the look on Nathan's face that he wasn't there for a social visit.
"What did you do?" Nathan asked Elizabeth.
"What are you talking about? I didn't do anything." Elizabeth worried that Jack would be upset at Nathan's tone.
"What did you say to Sarah? She says she's sick and she won't let me in to see her." Nathan's voice was getting louder and more accusatory.
Now Elizabeth was getting angry at Nathan's tone and assumptions. "I didn't do or say anything to her and I don't appreciate your accusations."
Nathan didn't back down. "Did you leave that picture up?"
"No, of course not. I put it away like you asked. Please stop shouting. You are upsetting Jack." Elizabeth was losing her patience with Nathan.
Rosemary could hear the entire conversation and encouraged Nathan to come in and told Elizabeth to take Little Jack home.
Nathan reluctantly agreed and went in to Lee and Rosemary's house. Rosemary put the kettle on for some tea and sat down at the table with Nathan. "Tell me what's going on."
Nathan wasn't sure if he was overreacting or not. His gut reaction felt strangely similar to the day Elizabeth rejected his profession of love. "I don't know Rosemary. Allie came home from the shower and said that while they were decorating Sarah disappeared and Allie found her on the back porch. She told Allie she was fine but Allie knew better. Then during the shower she said she thought she saw Sarah crying. After the shower she left quickly and said she didn't feel well and now she won't talk to me or let me in to see her."
Rosemary tried to think if she noticed anything odd about Sarah's behavior and realized she hadn't spent much time with her given all the other women there. "Why do you think Elizabeth had anything to do with it?"
"Steven and I were dropping party stuff at Elizabeth's yesterday and he noticed she had a picture of the two of us from Clara and Jesse's wedding. I went to her house last night and asked her to put it away so Sarah and Allie didn't see it. She said she had it out because Little Jack liked to see my picture." Nathan's elbows were on his knees and his hands were working their way through his hair so hard Rosemary was afraid he would pull it out.
"Well I can tell you I didn't see the picture today. I have seen it before but I figured she was still working through her feelings. I'm sorry I didn't say anything to her about it. Nathan, I don't remember Sarah being upset during the shower but I was distracted by everyone else there. She seemed okay when I thanked her and said goodbye though she may have looked a bit tired." Rosemary wished she had more to tell him. "Maybe she really doesn't feel well. Why don't you give her some time to rest and you'll see her at church tomorrow. Then you'll feel better and this will all be for nothing." Nathan wanted to believe Rosemary but his instincts told him there was more to it. He wished he knew what it was.
To say Nathan's night of sleep was fitful would be an understatement. Why was this happening again? It felt like Elizabeth all over again except this time it was worse. He knew Sarah loved him and was sure she knew how much he loved her. They were getting married soon. Did something spook her? He knew she'd called off her last engagement but the circumstances were very different. Lying there Nathan heard a sound coming from Allie's room. He stepped out into the hall and listened at her door. Was she crying? Nathan knocked lightly and opened the door to let her know he was coming in. He sat on the edge of her bed and stroked her hair like he did when she was a little girl and had just come to live with him after Colleen died. "Hey, sweet girl, what's bothering you?" Nathan put aside his emotions to focus on Allie. He would worry about himself later. Right now Allie was what was important.
"Dad, she promised me." Allie cried.
"Who promised you what?" Nathan asked.
"Miss Sarah. I asked her once to please not hurt you like Mrs. Thornton did and she promised me she never would and now it's happened again." Allie wrapped her arms around Nathan looking for the comfort only a father could provide.
"Sweetheart, I'm not hurt or angry, I'm worried about Sarah. Something has upset her and she doesn't feel like she can talk to me about it." That part did hurt. Nathan thought they were able to talk about anything. "Don't worry. We'll figure it out. I'll talk to her after church tomorrow and we'll straighten out whatever is wrong. I promise. Now go to sleep." Nathan leaned over and kissed Allie on the forehead.
Nathan returned to bed and lay there praying that he could believe what he'd just told Allie.
Nathan, Allie and Archie sat in their pew Sunday morning; all three of them kept looking for Sarah to walk in. When Angela Canfield started playing the first hymn Nathan's gut told him Sarah wouldn't be coming. She was never late for church. He wanted to leave and go directly to her apartment and stand at her door until she opened it but he didn't want to alarm Allie. After what seemed like the longest sermon ever church was finally over. Nathan told Allie and Archie to go home and he would see them later. Rosemary caught Nathan by the arm and told him Lee would drive them to Sarah's. She, too, had noticed Sarah was absent from church and wanted to go with in case there was anything she could do. Involving others in his personal issues wasn't Nathan's style but he knew what a good friend Rosemary had become to Sarah and thought if she wouldn't talk to him then maybe Rosemary had a chance.
Again, Nathan stood at Sarah's door knocking. There was no response at first. Finally he heard shuffling on the other side of the door. "Who is it?" Sarah's voice was barely above a whisper.
"You know who it is. Please let me in." Nathan kept his voice calm. No response. "Sarah, come on. Let me in."
"I'm not dressed. Come back later."
"No, I'm not leaving until you let me in." Nathan thought this could go on all day. He saw Rosemary come up the stairs. He signaled to her that he was having no luck.
Rosemary knocked. "Sarah, it's Rosemary, let me in. Nathan will stay out here."
After a few moments they heard the tumble of the lock and the door opened. Rosemary stepped inside and immediately saw that her usually pulled together friend was struggling. Her hair hadn't been combed, her eyes were red and puffy, and the day dress she'd thrown on when she heard the knock on the door looked like it had been pulled from the back of the closet. Rosemary put a kettle on for tea and brought Sarah some toast as she sat on the settee twisting her handkerchief in her hands. Rosemary covered Sarah's hands with her own. "Honey, tell me what's got you so upset. Whatever it is you've got to talk about it. You're not doing yourself or Nathan or Allie any good. They looked a mess in church this morning."
Sarah felt horrible. "The last think I want to do is upset them." Sarah started slowly. "But I think Nathan and I are moving too fast."
"Sarah, what are you talking about? I know it hasn't been a long courtship but it's obvious to everyone that you are meant to be together. Everything was perfect earlier this week. We were designing your wedding dress. You were so excited. Please help me understand what you are thinking." Rosemary implored her friend.
Rosemary was a friend like none other Sarah had ever had. She waited patiently while Sarah collected her thoughts. Slowly she began. "Yesterday when Allie and I were at Elizabeth's setting up for the shower there was a moment when I looked across the room and saw Elizabeth with Allie and Little Jack was laughing at Allie and it struck me that I was looking at what Nathan had dreamed of for his family and their life together. The four of them together in that house being a family. I don't know how I can compete with that. I know she still loves him so how can I stand in the way of him having everything he wanted?"
Rosemary let out a heavy sigh. Sarah always seemed so strong, she was always ready to give everyone, especially Elizabeth, the benefit of the doubt and believe the best in them. Now she was obviously feeling weak and filled with self-doubt. "Sarah, stop and listen to me. That may have been what Nathan wanted at one time but it's not what he wants now. Why do you doubt that?"
"It just looked so perfect. Beautiful Elizabeth, sweet Allie and adorable Little Jack were all together laughing. I kept seeing Nathan with them and they looked like a family that belonged together. I felt like I was on the outside looking in." Sarah wasn't sure how else to describe it.
"You need to tell Nathan what you told me and let him help you understand where his heart is. I've never seen a man so bereft than he has been since yesterday. Please Sarah, I wish you felt you could talk to me about any doubts you have. Yes, I'm friends with Elizabeth but you are my friend too.
"I haven't had anyone to talk to in a long time. I usually have to figure things out on my own." Sarah said.
"Well you don't have to do that anymore. You have me and you have Nathan. Will you please let him in? The man has probably worn a hole through the hallway floor." Rosemary hugged her friend. Sarah was still unsure and now she felt guilty for worrying Nathan and Allie.
Sarah nodded. Rosemary went into the hallway and quickly told Nathan what had happened that caused Sarah to become so upset. He thanked Rosemary and told her he would take it from there. He helped her down the stairs not wanting her to fall and passed her off to Lee.
Slowly he made his way back up the stairs. He knocked on the door and realized it was open. Walking in he saw Sarah standing with her back to him. He went to her and put his hands on her shoulders. He felt her tense up at his touch. Whispering he said "Sarah, please talk to me." At the sound of his voice her shoulders sank. He turned her toward him and took her hands in his. "Tell me what has you so upset." Tears fell from Sarah's eyes. Slowly she told Nathan what happened at the shower. When Nathan heard what she had to say he blamed himself for all the times he'd talked to her about Elizabeth. Sarah was strong but he hadn't realized how much his past affected her, even if she didn't recognize it herself. He pulled her close and she rested her head on his chest. "My darling, I am so sorry for putting the weight of my past on your shoulders. It wasn't fair of me to think you weren't affected by my struggles." He took a step back and took her face in his strong hands. "I love you, only you. The only life I see is with you and Allie and any other children we are blessed with. I don't know how else to make you believe that." He brought his lips to hers and didn't let her go. He could taste the tears that flowed down her cheeks. He wiped them from her face while searching her eyes for a glimpse of acknowledgement to what he said. She returned her head to his chest feeling the beating of his heart and the steady rise and fall of his breathing. She wanted to believe him. She did believe him but she knew it would take time to get that image out of her head.