The third day of winter break begins like all the days before it. The alarm rings at the same time for breakfast. Even though we don't have class we're still expected to get up, get dressed and go eat. The other kids go outside to play after breakfast or watch tv in the living room. I go to the library. At lunch I go down to eat and then I return to the library. No one bothers me there. Sometimes Richard comes in, but he barley glances at me and I can tell when it's him now, so I don't have to look. If it's not him and it's one of the other kids, sometimes I sit in between the shelves where they can't see me. That way they can forget I'm even there and they won't get any ideas about bothering me.
Today after lunch I head to the stairs, but when I get there Martha and Jessica are sitting on the bottom steps. Ginny and a younger girl who doesn't sleep in our room are standing next to them. They're all giggling at something, but stop when I approach. I wait for them to move. Martha and Jessica stand up, but they don't stop blocking the stairs.
"We were wondering if you wanted to play with us?" Martha asks. She has a big smile on her face, which can't mean anything good. I shake my head. That isn't the answer they were hoping for.
"That's too bad. We found a bunch of boxes of books in the basement and we thought you might want to check them out," Martha says. I don't think she's telling the truth, but it's hard to tell. The library has plenty of books, I don't need more yet. They might be more interesting than the ones in the library though. I should say no, but instead I nod and then flinch, because their feelings are too strong. They're happy, which can't be a good thing, but they're just little girls. What can they do to someone like me?
I follow Martha and Jessica to a door just off from the living room. I'd barely noticed it before and assumed it was a closet, but they open it and even though it's dark I can see the top landing of stairs.
"You first," Martha says. She gives me what might be mistaken by others as a warm smile, but I know better. Still, I go anyway, because I'm not afraid of basements. I take a few steps in and run my hand along the wall, hoping to find a light switch, but there isn't one. Before I can turn around to suggest we get a flashlight, they shove me from behind and close the door. I can hear them laughing on the other side. My knees sting when they hit the cold pavement. The shock of the fall takes a few seconds to get over. I feel around on the floor, finding the edge of the top step inches away from me. I have two options. I can bang on the door and hope they open it or a staff member comes by or, I can see if there's another way out or at the very least, a light switch.
It's not easy getting down the stairs in the dark, but I manage to stand up and find the rail, taking my time and going slowly. When I get to the bottom, I put my hand on the wall and lean on it for a minute. The darkness is enormous. Infinite. I press my hand a little harder into the wall, just to make sure it's really there. It's like my eyes are closed. This is probably what it's like to be dead.
"Hello little girl." Something clatters somewhere in the room and I don't know if it's because I accidentally used my powers or not. Those words are his words, but I'm not sleeping. Am I?
"I see you..." this voice comes from somewhere else. I close my eyes and press both hands and my forehead against the cold wall. Someone tugs on my hair. If I had been breathing, I would have screamed. My mouth opens, but there's not enough air to push any sound out. Something else in the room clatters and this time I know it was me. I moved something without meaning to.
"Dude, what was that?" A boy's voice asks. My hair goes slack again, like the person who was pulling it let go. I turn around and move to push the person, because obviously it's just another kid and not him, but there's only air where my hands were. The light goes on and I see two boys going up the stairs and for a minute, just a minute it looked like someone else was standing at the top, there was a flash of green, but there's no one there. I see the light switch now and it is on top of the stairs, so I must have done it, because the two boys are only halfway up. They run, nearly tripping on the steps, but when they get to the door it's still locked. They bang on it and it finally opens. I hear squeals of laughter in the hall, probably from the girls.
It was just a joke. Another stupid attempt to scare me... My back slides down the cement wall and my butt hits the cold hard floor. I breathe again, but too quickly. My chest heaves in and out, shallow breaths that barley hold any air. For a minute I really thought it was him.
My fingers crawl up my sleeves and bury their nails deep into the band aids and my skin, squeezing as hard as they can and then slowly tracing lines to my wrists. Why did they do that? We aren't friends, but I'm not mean to them. I don't go out of my way to annoy them or get in their way. I just mind my own business, so why did they do that? If they knew who I really was they wouldn't do things like that. They would never do things like that. If they knew what I could do to them, they wouldn't dare even look at me. They'll regret it. I'll make them.
The scratches on my arms are worse. The bloody scabs flake off in the shower when I rub them with soap, but that just makes them bleed worse. Eventually I give up and let them do whatever they'll do. It would be better if I could heal them, but someone might notice. Especially now that the other girls and those boys are telling everyone what they did. Some of the other kids giggled and whispered at dinner. They think they're so clever, but they're wrong.
I don't even try to sleep in case they do it again. It's easier to stay awake tonight. Instead of wishing I wasn't here, I think about all the things I can do to make them sorry. It has to be something that will really hurt them, the way they keep trying to hurt me.
Two days later, December 22rd is when they finally show me how to hurt them. Tomorrow there's a party where some prospective adopters will come and spend time with all the kids. There's a microscopic chance, according to the Mrs. Huntington that anyone will actually get adopted after this event, but none of the other kids seem to hear her when she reminds them at dinner. There's been talk about the party for the last couple weeks, but since I can't go, I barley paid any attention to it. The other girls spend all day picking out their clothes. I watch them choose their outfits and fold them up nicely on top of the dressers.
When they're asleep I sneak downstairs to the classroom. I shouldn't use my powers, but I do. The door is locked, so I use a portal to go through the wall and then use my powers to break the lock on the art cabinet. I get scissors and some paint before going back upstairs. I listen for a minute to make sure the other girls are still asleep. Their breaths are even and deep. No one stirs. With the scissors, I cut holes in all the outfits they chose. Then I risk a few more minutes cutting up some of the clothes in the drawers, even my own. I'm going to ruin absolutely everything so they have nothing to wear. When the cutting is done, I squeeze bright red paint into all the drawers, lifting some clothes to make sure it gets on everything inside. There's still a little paint left, so I put it on their beds too, over their blankets. When I'm finished, I go back to bed and pretend to be asleep.
When the other girls wake up, I wait in quiet delight as they discover all their hopes and dreams have been stolen, like the peace they stole from me.
First there is silence, heavy in the air with their shock and utter disbelief. I sit up and watch as panic sets in and they toss their chosen outfits to the floor and dig in the drawers, their hands wet with red like mine were.
"What the hell!" Jessica screams as she shuffles through the drawer.
"Why?" Ginny sobs before tossing a shirt to the floor. There is screaming and finger pointing until they remember me.
"You!" Martha screams. She stomps over and points her finger at me. "This was you!" Before she can do anything else the door opens. Miss Vanderbelt comes in and the girls turn to her screaming and talking at once. I get out of bed and go to the dresser with my clothes, but I don't touch anything. I just look at the clothes they've strewn on the floor. It was hard to see in the dark last night, but I did a good job.
"Girls!" Miss Vanderbelt yells to silence them, but it doesn't work. They're hysterical. It takes several minutes to calm them down and Mrs. Kinders coming in and eventually Mrs. Huntington. There's a lot of screaming and sobbing. Miss Vanderbelt eventually leaves and comes back with some clothes that might fit from the other girl's rooms, the older girls and the smaller ones. She passes them around and it does little to ease their pain. She pauses when she finally gets to me with a pink shirt and jeans under her arms. Her eyes look for the truth, but I can't tell if she finds it. I take the clothes and go to the bathroom and change. By now breakfast is over, so I go to the library.
The party starts a little after lunch and I can't risk anyone showing up early and seeing me, so I stay upstairs. I sit between the shelves on the off chance anyone comes in. Richard comes in right after lunch. At the time the party is supposed to start he doesn't go downstairs. The party is loud. Voices and music thump through the walls and floor. There are a lot of people here. Too many people. It's hard to shield on a normal day, but today is even harder. The pity, sadness and hope of the visitors is too much. I want to bang my head against the shelves until I pass out, just to make it stop, but instead I remember my training. I take slow deep breaths and imagine a shield, concentrating on building the walls as strong as I can. The party only last a few hours and then all the guests are gone, taking their feelings with them.
After dinner the door opens and Miss Vanderbelt comes in. I get up because I know why she's here. Even if no one will formally accuse me, Mrs. Huntington must have put it together.
"Have you both been up here the whole time?" she asks, starring at Richard. He just shrugs without even looking away from the computer screen. "How are people going to see you if you don't go downstairs?"
"I don't want people to see me," he says. She sighs and doesn't argue with him. She looks at me and I can see she's still trying to work out if I've actually done it or not.
"Mrs. Huntington wants to see you," she says. Richard does look away from the screen when she says that. I catch him turn in the corner of my eye. Maybe he's relieved she's not going to punish him. I follow her downstairs to Mrs. Huntington's office. The door is open and I go in alone, but close the door behind me. She's waiting behind her desk. I expected to sense anger, but there's mostly just fear.
"You did it, didn't you." It's not a question, but I still nod. "I see now why they sent you here." What does that mean? "Azar doesn't teach vengeance, so where did you learn it from?" I don't like what she's implying. I'm not like him. This is different. They hurt me and they would have kept hurting me. Now they'll know better. Now they'll know the price.
"Are you even sorry?" What's there to be sorry for. Her fear grows and I don't understand why. What is she afraid of? "I can't teach you to be human." The words sting harder than any of the scratches on my arms. I am human... or at least half human. How is what I did any worse than what they did?
"You were told that the other kids may do things that you don't understand or like and that you needed to ignore it." she says. "Weren't you?" I nod because she's right, I had been told... But I hadn't known what to expect and no one had prepared me for these children. For the whispers and stares... the rumors and the malice. What had I ever done to them? Why did they have to bother me?
"You've been spoiled your entire life. Azar took you in and took care of you. You've never wanted for anything." Her words are dripping in venom and there's almost as much anger as fear now. She's wrong though. There are many things I've wanted and gone without. "Those girls are different. They have known what it's like to go hungry and so much worse, so many other things. If they're mean to you, it's nothing compared to what they've been through." She keeps talking, but I barley hear her because I don't want to hear her excuses for their behavior. If they want to start fires, they should be prepared to get burned.
"Your mother will be disappointed to find out about this." That makes me look up. She has my attention now and she knows it. "Do you think Azar isn't watching you?" No... "I will let this slide, but remember the rules. I won't be so lenient if you do it again." The words are a dismissal. I leave and I go back to the library. Richard is still here and I don't want to be around anyone right now, so I go into the stacks. She's right. She won't like what I did. She'll say it's because I'm like him.
Sleep is a death wish. If I leave the room to go to the library the other girls will snitch to get me in trouble, so I stay, but I don't even pretend to sleep. I sit up, vigilant against all attacks. That staff on shift tonight have been warned and they keep the door open and walk by every thirty minutes at first, until it gets really late. By then the other girls, as angry as they might be, are asleep.
In the morning there is still nothing to wear, so they bring us borrowed clothes again. Then there's breakfast. I finish eating quickly and start heading towards the library, but Ms. Kinders stops me.
"You should go outside today," she says. Punishment. "A little sun might do you some good." It would be more dramatic to argue with her, so I don't. I grab a coat from the rack in the hall and go out to the front yard. The ground is cold and the snow seeps into my shoes, making my socks wet. My sneakers aren't the right shoes for this weather. If I don't want to look out of place, I need to blend with the other children. My eyes graze the playground. There's an empty swing, so I walk over to the swing set. The other kids on the swing's runaway, leaving the set empty. I sit down anyway and mimic what the other kids had done, folding my legs forward and backwards. Just as the swing finally starts to get some height, I'm shoved from behind. For a moment I'm suspended in the air and then my face hits the snow. The pain is shocking at first, but after a minute I'm able to push myself up. By then my roommates have surrounded me.
"Did you think you would just get away with it!" Jessica screams.
"We know it was you!" Martha yells.
"Now no one will want me." Ginny wipes tears from her eyes.
"You're going to pay for what you did!" Jessica says. She kicks me in the face. It happens so fast it takes a minute to register as my head hits the snow again. Another kick hits me in the stomach.
"Crap, Mrs. Huntington is coming this way," one of them says. That doesn't stop them from kicking me again before they run away. It hurts too much to move. Blood gushes out of my nose and makes the snow red. If Mrs. Huntington saw what they did, she doesn't do anything about it, because no one comes over. If any staff member saw it, they don't do anything. When the pain stops, I pull myself up and go inside the library. I sit between the shelves and I stay there. Revenge is the first thought that comes to mind, but after what Mrs. Huntington said, I know I can't do anything. I don't understand why they're allowed to do what they do and I can't, why it's different, but I do understand that she won't like it. If there's even the smallest chance that she could change her mind and take me back home... They're just stupid little girls. They're not worth it.
Richard comes in after dinner. I wish I had picked one of the rows closer to the door because he can see me here. Thankfully he does what he normally does and he ignores me. I pull my knees to my chest and burry my head again. I'm tired and my face hurts. When the bell rings for bed, I don't want to go, but I have to. In the bathroom I wash the dried caked blood off my face from my nose. My cheek is bruised and my nose is red, but otherwise still intact. There will be other bruises by tomorrow.
Christmas is like the other days at first. We get up, get dressed, again in borrowed clothes and then go down to breakfast. The other kids eat like they haven't eaten in weeks though, shoveling the food into their mouths and dumping their plates until I'm the only one left. I don't finish and dump my plate, following the sound of chaos to see what the fuss is about. In the living room there are brightly wrapped packages and bags under the Christmas tree. Mrs. Huntington and the other staff members pass them out to the kids. They open them and find new toys, clothes and other things that excite them. Mrs. Huntington catches me watching from the doorway and walks over.
"You don't exist, so you don't get anything." I think she says it to hurt me, because she's still mad about the clothes, but it doesn't. What I want can't be wrapped in a pretty package.
The living room is too loud with their feelings. Even good feelings are overwhelming, so I go to the library instead. At first, I try to read, but the feelings are distracting so I end up going into the stacks and trying to shield. Today is just like any other day in hell.
chap6