Olivia sat in her office two days later riffling through a stack of paperwork that sat in front of her on her desk. She sighed loudly as she shuffled through it; having Velasco around on the squad helped alleviate some of the growing pains they all felt, but they were still short staffed and feeling the struggles all over the unit. She tossed a file onto the cabinet behind her, resorting to deal with that particular one at another time. She heard the door open and glanced up just long enough to see Fin walking through the threshold of her office, carrying two cups of coffee from her favorite corner café just down the block. He nudged the door shut with his foot before turning back to her, handing it to her wordlessly, and awkwardly standing in front of the desk.

"Can I help you, Sergeant?" she asked as she looked at him over the rim of her aviator glasses.

"You're really going away with Stabler for an entire week?" he asked.

Ah, she thought, so that's what this is about.

Olivia sighed, taking her glasses off and folding them before sitting them down on the desk. "Yes, I am," she said simply.

Fin smiled as he brought his own coffee cup to his lips, smirking behind the lid. "You want to talk about it?" he asked.

"Not really," she started, "but I have the sense that you're going to make me." She smirked as she folded her arms across her chest and leaned back in the chair, files momentarily forgotten about in front of her. She was silent for a moment before she pursed her lips, asking in a quiet voice, "Am I making the right decision here?"

"I can't answer that one for you, Liv," he said, "as for the vacation, yes, you absolutely deserve one. As for it being with Stabler…well, I just want to make sure you're happy."

She scoffed and uncrossed her arms, leaning her elbows back on the edge of the desk. "I'm not so sure I even know what that word means," she muttered as she picked up a paperclip and ran it along her fingers, fidgeting with it.

Was she happy? Truly happy? That was a loaded question, so simple and yet so complex in just three little words. Its answer composed of different facets fueled by different directions of her life. On one hand, she could say that she was. She had a nice, safe space to call home, a fulfilling career she worked day in and day out, a loving family she'd always longed for in the arms of a curly-headed, blue-eyed little boy… But at the end of the day, she had always felt like something was missing and that made her heart ache a little. Someone, perhaps, to hold her when the days were long and nights were hard, when the chilling cold crept in and settled deep within her bones. Someone who understood the aspects of the job, who would bring the sunshine and chase the darkness away when she needed it, someone who understood that sometimes she just needed to be by herself, too. She'd resigned herself to the fact that she didn't need anyone; a response from the "glory days" of her childhood – trauma long engrained in that pretty little head of hers. She told herself that she was enough for herself but some nights…some nights she was weak and wanted a pair of strong arms to hold her. Those were the nights her mind drifted back to Elliot. They always had, even in their ten years apart. And so would begin the cycle of spiraling – longing for a man that wasn't hers, aching for a home that she'd never been able to live in. She'd then get mad at herself for thinking about him in such a way – mere partners didn't think about each other when a quarter after one came calling.

But they'd never been just mere partners – deep down she knew that but was too scared to admit it. To admit it would mean facing her feelings and she had more than she knew what to do with. She'd spent so many years hanging on by a thread when it came to him, thinking she meant absolutely nothing to him when in reality she meant absolutely everything. That's what this new partnership was about – unlearning the lies they'd told themselves. There was a give and take in this new relationship, a fresh ebb and flow as they learned to trust each other again.

And then he'd come back. Circumstances were different now, but the feelings remained the same. She felt the spark between them, the undeniable chemistry, the magnetic force pulling her to him. But now…now they had a chance to explore the unknown, write the unwritten, see what could have been all those years ago when they'd first been presented the chance.

"You deserve to find out."

Fin's voice brought her back to the moment in front of her. He nodded as he continued, "as much as I want to kick his ass still for everything he put you through…if he makes you happy, then…" he trailed off, letting the silence speak for itself.

Olivia played with the pen that was in front of her, taking the cap off and on again, the paperclip discarded now. "I just…" She sighed and rubbed her face before continuing, "I don't know what we are to each other anymore."

"You don't know or you do, and you're too scared to acknowledge it?"

She froze at his words, the pen slipping from her grip.

Fin laughed at her reaction. "I think you both know, at least what you want it to be. I watched you two for over ten years; I picked up a thing or two that y'all laid down."

Olivia felt the blush creeping into her cheeks, flushing her olive skin. She bit her lip as she tried not to laugh. "He said he loved me, but…" She stopped herself, shaking her head.

"But what?" he questioned.

"I'm just scared," she whispered. "Scared he'll leave again and I just…I cannot do that all over again."

"So…make him prove to you that he's not."

"What?"

"Make him prove to you that he's not leaving," he repeated. "If he's serious, he'll do it. One thing about Stabler is that if he's committed, he's committed. And you both owe it to each other to find out what you really mean to one another." He sat down in the chair opposite her desk and took another sip of his coffee.

"And if he's not committed?" she whispered, not even wanting to put that thought into the universe.

"Then he's a bigger dumbass than I thought." Fin shuffled in his seat. "You two have a…complex history," he said, searching for the right words, "It'd be a shame to just throw it all away without at least exploring it."

She stared at him while replaying the last ten years in her head. Throwing it all away…was exactly what Elliot had done.

"Look, Stabler hasn't always made the best choices," he continued, as if he could read her mind, "But he was trying to protect everyone he cared about and that included you, Olivia. He was just…misguided. Now, I'm not saying that he doesn't have a hell of a lot that he needs to make up for still…" Fin shrugged. "But, I don't know. He's been trying. I'm just here to say, I support whatever you want to do. I got your back." He cocked an eyebrow but left the rest of the words unspoken, however Olivia heard them loud and clear.

So he can watch your backside.

"When did you become such a poet?" she asked, leaning her head to the side and enjoying this one-on-one tender moment with him. A small smile turned on the corners of her lips and tugged upwards; she was grateful for his unwavering support in her life over the last twenty some-odd-years. Fin had grown to be like a brother to her during their time working side by side, molding his way into the family she made for herself.

He smiled as he fidgeted with the coffee cup in his hands again. "Phoebe may or may not have had something to do with that," he laughed. "That woman likes to keep me on my toes." He sighed again and shook his head. "Look, Liv, all I'm trying to say is that if there's a chance for you to be happy don't you want to take it and find out?"

There was a knock at the door and she and Fin both turned to acknowledge the interruption. Amanda opened the door and stuck her head in.

"Sorry to interrupt," she began. Olivia expected her to launch into some gruesome new case they'd just picked up.

"It's fine," she said as she motioned for Amanda to enter the room. "Come in." She glanced back at Fin and added, "Duty calls."

"Actually, not quite." Amanda walked into Olivia's office holding a stunning bouquet of red, yellow, and orange roses. "These just came for you."

Fin whistled as she walked them over to the desk and sat them down, leaving Olivia utterly speechless.

"Wow," she breathed as she stared at them. She felt her hand instinctively press into her belly under the desk as she stared at the spectacle in front of her.

"Aren't they beautiful?" Amanda asked as she glanced at Fin. "There's a card, too."

Olivia reached for it and pulled it away from the bouquet before gently tearing the envelope open, taking out the handwritten note tucked inside.

"From Stabler?" he asked, watching as her eyes scanned over the card in her hands.

Liv -

Get ready for the week-long adventure of a lifetime. Pack a bathing suit and comfortable clothes and meet me at La Guardia tomorrow morning at nine. Everything else is taken care of. That's all you get for now.

All my love,

El

She nearly dropped the card as she finished reading it, worry settling in the pit of her stomach. Fin reached across the desk and took it from her, letting his eyes wander over the words. He smirked as he handed it back to her.

"Told you," he said smugly. "When he's committed, he's committed."

Olivia glanced at Fin and then at Amanda, both staring at her and waiting for her next move. "What happens when he loses interest and is no longer committed?" she whispered. "What if it's just the chase?"

"He's not going to lose interest," Amanda cut in.

"Like I said before," Fin said, "then he'll be a bigger dumbass than I thought possible."

Olivia sank lower into her chair as she stared at the bouquet of roses. Red, orange, and yellow; she didn't have to Google their meaning to get the message he was so clearly sending.

Red roses had a history of meaning passion, orange signified the joy that a relationship brings one, and yellow universally being understood for representing forgiveness. All characteristics of this…relationship they were building. She wanted to say friendship as she had in the past, but friends don't kiss each other like he'd kissed her the other night in her apartment. "Boyfriend" was both too juvenile and too advanced of a label for him at this stage in…whatever this was.

A partnership, she decided, once again settling on the only term that seemed right for him. For them. For their budding closeness, the leap of faith they were about to take.

Olivia distantly heard Fin and Amanda leaving her office but her eyes glazed over as she stared at the roses in front of her. There was still so much left for them to discuss, so many secrets and scars to uncover. She hoped that in time she'd be able to let him in all the way; he was trying. Trying to be the man she needed and the one she deserved. She ran her hands along the silky petals of one of the roses and inhaled slowly.

"What have you just gotten yourself into, Olivia?" she asked herself quietly as she was left with the solitude of her office.

EO EO EO

Olivia stared at her closet later that evening, her suitcase thrown open on top of the bed behind her. She bit her lip as she stared at the options that were in front of her, or rather, the lack of them. Blazer after blazer lined the first row of her closet, followed by uniformed slacks of various neutral tones. She wasn't very adventurous in her wardrobe; being a Captain carried a certain level of …professionalism at all times. She had work clothes for days but didn't really have any "fun" clothes or much that would be suitable for a week-long vacation. Especially…a beach vacation.

Elliot hadn't given her much information to work off of, wanting to keep majority of the trip a surprise for her, but she had been able to pry the terrain out of him so at least she would know what to pack. He let her have that much and still keep the surprise intact.

She found a white sundress that still had the tags on it, brought a few years ago for a vacation Brian never took her on. She chuckled to herself as she looked it over before tossing it into her suitcase. If you would have told her back then that in a few years, Elliot would be back and taking her away for a week, she would have laughed in your face.

Life sure does have a funny way of working out sometimes.

She turned back to the closet and winced as she pulled out a black bathing suit from the back of it, running her hands over the silky material. She hadn't worn a bathing suit in years, she wasn't even sure it would still fit her. She'd changed over the years since it had last seen the light of day, pounds gained here, inches lost there.

Oh, what the hell, she thought to herself, deciding to shed her work clothes and slip it on. She slid the suit on over her hips and stared at her reflection in the full-length mirror beside her closet. Her curves filled it out more than she remembered they had in the past but she wasn't complaining. The black slinky material fit her like a second skin. It was stretched tight across her tits, the black ruffle running along the top flirting dangerously low with the cleavage that threatened to spill over.

She stared at herself for another moment, taking account of the woman that stood before her in the mirror. Instinctively, she started to tug the top up higher, feeling a tad uncomfortable with the amount of skin showing as she saw one of the cigarette burns that freckled the tops of her breasts. She'd resigned from showing cleavage years ago after what happened with Lewis, after he'd burned and branded her body. She felt a jolt of confidence as she gazed at herself, something she hadn't in a while. Long amber tresses cascaded down her exposed shoulders like a waterfall, her olive skin popped against the stark black, long, tanned legs for days; she felt good.

Lewis had taken a lot from her but he wasn't going to take this. She felt like she was taking her power back – she deserved this vacation, to feel good in her own skin for once. She knew it was going to come up with Elliot on this trip and she'd have to tell him and break his heart…but she hoped it would be later rather than sooner. As much as she wanted that conversation behind them already, she dreaded it. It needed a certain level of delicacy, one she wasn't sure they could handle just yet. Everything was still new; like flowers blooming at the start of spring, newborn animals learning to walk before they could run.

She continued to stare at herself in the mirror, her fingers absentmindedly tracing a nonexistent line starting at her breasts down her stomach. She felt sexy, for the first time in a long time. Besides, this was Elliot; the one who saw her for her essence, her entire being, not just what she looked like on the outside. With both Brian and Tucker, they'd done things her way, understanding that she needed a certain level of control in order to heal. Brian did anything she'd ask of him until he realized she'd never bare her soul to him and Tucker….well, Tucker was routine and clinical. He'd only touch her with the lights off and lacked a certain level of passion she craved.

She spotted the mismatched key marks on her thighs then and felt the familiar burn begin in her lower belly, newfound confidence falling to the wayside. She shook her head and stripped the suit off, shimmying back into her slacks and tossing her tank top over her shoulders. This was safe; she was covered, concealed. The world didn't see the scars that marked her body, the imperfections that showed she was human – that she had fought and lived. That she had survived, having journeyed to Hell and back. She glanced back in the mirror and stopped for a moment – her boldness hadn't lasted long – wondering just who the woman was staring back at her. So long ago the fire had burned out inside of her but she thought it had come roaring back to life, like she had risen from the ashes like a Phoenix long after Lewis. But she couldn't deny that he had stolen something from her, something far more precious than any physical item that could be replaced. Something had been taken from her during those days – challenging the foundation that Olivia Benson was built upon.

She sat down on the edge of her bed as her mind worked it over and suddenly she started to understand. Everything slid into place and she began to finally understand the complex emotions Elliot had felt that day of the shooting and the dark days that followed; when he lost a fundamental part of himself, too. How one can feel so hopeless and helpless, grapple and turn to just about anything to make the pain go away and get a sense of self back. While she'd rebuilt herself with therapy, friends, her job, and what she called love (Brian), he'd turned his back on all of those things and chose to go at it alone. Loneliness was a bitter road she knew all too well; but ultimately the road less traveled was the one that brought him back to her so she couldn't be too mad, could she?

She was lost in her thoughts when the door to her bedroom opened and Noah walked in. She was absentmindedly running her hands along the material of the bathing suit when he got her attention, grounding her in the moment just like he always did. He was her miracle, her forever saving grace.

"I got the rest of my shorts packed," he announced as he climbed up beside her on the edge of the bed. His legs dangled off the edge and he softly kicked them back and forth against the mattress.

Olivia snapped out of her daze and turned to face her son. "Good," she said, plastering a big smile on her face. She tossed the bathing suit aside and began to rub his back affectionately. "Are you getting excited about camp? And staying with Aunt Amanda and Uncle Fin?"

"Yeah," he said as he ran a hand through his curls. "I'll miss you, though."

"Aw, I'll miss you, too." She reached for him, wrapping both her arms around his small frame. "But it's just a week and then we'll be back home in no time, I promise. And hey, what do you say we do something special, too? A few days, just the two of us."

"Really?" he asked. The way his face lit up at those words made Olivia's heart ache; she tried to juggle a demanding career and being a single parent without letting one fail the other but some days, the juggling act failed and the balls dropped in every court.

"Really," she whispered as she leaned down and pressed a kiss to the crown of his head. "We'll do whatever you want to do."

"Maybe a water park?" he asked, nodding towards the bathing suit she'd tossed aside.

Olivia's mouth fell open a tad as she glanced at it and then back at Noah. "Yeah," she said, nodding her head. "Yeah, we can do a water park."

Noah's fist pumped through the air and she smiled at his excitement.

"You're really going away with Elliot? Your old partner?" He leaned against her and looked up at her, searching her eyes for an answer. Olivia had told him a few stories from their old partnership; enough for him to know that Elliot wasn't a complete stranger but not enough to know the full trial and tribulations that heartache entailed. He knew they'd been partners and friends for over a decade when Elliot had to leave and then she'd gotten a new partner, his Uncle Nick.

"Yeah, sweetie, I am."

"Does this mean you guys are best friends again?"

Ah, her inquisitive, intuitive, sweet little boy.

"I don't know," Olivia said, sighing sadly as she smiled. "It's all….very complicated. Adult stuff. And remember what I said about adult stuff?"

"Adult stuff is stuff I shouldn't worry about," he finished, "I just worry about kid stuff."

"That's right." She winked at him.

Still, Noah frowned and she could see the gears shifting inside his little head. Even at his young age, he was so protective over his mother and she knew that being shared with Elliot hadn't been the easiest on him. He'd been a lot younger when Tucker had been in the picture but there hadn't really been anyone else; they were navigating this new territory together.

"Hey," she said gently, turning his face to look at hers. "We're still Team Mommy and Noah, right?"

He smiled brightly. "Yeah, for now."

"For now?" she repeated.

"We might add a few more players some day." He smiled again and wiggled out of her embrace, now standing in front of her.

"And you….would be okay with that?" Olivia asked.

Noah nodded and shrugged his shoulders. "He seems to make you happy and I like it when you're happy."

Tears formed in Olivia's eyes as she reached out and pulled Noah back in hugging him fiercely. And in that moment, she knew she had his approval…his blessing, in a way. Whatever she and Elliot decided upon…Noah seemed to approve of. And if he approved, what else could stand in their way?

More playlist/story vibes….

Somebody Desperate - The National

What If I Love You - Gatlin

Breathe Again - Sara Bareilles

Need You Now - Lady A