The happier things…
…
It was the sound of a working locomotive.
Still with shut eyes, Clementine felt the soothing breeze pass through her body. She could sense her dark brown, longer than usual hair -free of any hair clips and her hat, unlike normally- wave through the wind softly. She slowly opened her eyes to see the awfully familiar scenery of a forest slip by her gaze constantly. She was here once more, sitting down on the edge of the container's door, her leg and stump hanging outside.
"Hey, sweet pea…" Clementine heard someone with a really deep voice say behind her. Knowing well who the voice belonged to, with an great smile, she turned towards the sound's source to see Lee smiling back at her.
"Hey, Lee…" Clementine greeted her protector. He approached Clementine to sit right beside her. Her eyes were flashing with jubilance as he did.
"Another chapter on 'the happier things'?"
"Hah, I guess…" Clementine couldn't help but chuckle. Through Lee's anticipating wait, Clementine shifted her gaze back to moving forest to think what she can mention. As she found the first one, Clementine returned back to Lee. Her still waving hair was starting to obstruct Clementine's vision when looking at him, so she pushed them behind her ear as she ultimately said:
"Aasim returned."
"About time…" Lee immediately replied. He seemed genuinely thrilled as he added: "…did he find the house?" Clementine responded while nodding:
"He did… He brought so many things, too. Books, photographs…" she stopped to have a chuckle as she finished: "…those terrible drawings I made…"
"They weren't that bad…" Lee couldn't help but retort softly through Clementine's chuckle. "…What else?"
Clementine put her great smile back on as she continued. She saved the best to be the last.
"A picture of me and my parents, and…" she stopped as her smile withered slowly and her gaze dropped. Clementine realized she nearly told Lee about the answering machine which if she did, believed she would have to confront him about the messages, especially the final one. The last thing she wanted was to ruin this exceedingly pleasing experience, so she decided to keep the argument away from them.
Lee witnessed Clementine's hesitance with concerned eyes. It was clear that she was about to mention something else, but couldn't. Not to discourage her from continuing and keep that adorable smile on her face, Lee wanted to stick to what she's willing to talk as he asked with a happy tone to his voice:
"The framed one in the living room?"
"Yeah…" Clementine confirmed as she put her smile back and turned back to Lee. He noticed how Clementine locked her hair, that was long enough now to almost reach her shoulders, behind her ear again. Afterwards, Clementine added as her smile turned to its bittersweet kind: "… I… remember their faces again."
After the remark, Lee also shared his sweet pea's smile as he slid closer to her to cuddle from the side and console her. He recalled Clementine mentioning her nightmares about that damned day in Savannah. How the frame of her lifeless parents she witnessed there haunted his sweet pea for half of her life… With a hopeful but still concerned tone to his voice:
"The nightmares... Did they end?" Lee asked. Extremely comfortable thanks to the embrace, Clementine rested her head on Lee's shoulder as she replied:
"Hopefully…" but right afterwards, Clementine remembered the enchanting dream she experienced after she saw the picture. "…I even saw then in a dream."
"Oh?.." Lee expressed in surprise. Clementine turned her head upwards to meet Lee's eyes with her usual, jubilant smile as she added:
"Yeah… I couldn't talk to them, but…" she paused to turn her gaze back to the forest. Her head still lying on Lee's shoulder, she closed her eyes to reminisce the scene as she continued: "… they looked… so happy, Lee. They were talking to each other… about me." Clementine finished with a cutely embarrassed smile. Delighted, Lee caressed Clementine's shoulder as he received this wonderful news. With a sudden curiosity:
"What did they say?" Lee asked. Clementine met with her protector's eyes again:
"It was about… my first year's school report." she replied with a chuckle. With a proud smile:
"Must have been some high grades there, then." Lee assumed with a slight jesting tone. Putting on a similar tone of her own:
"Yeah, I smashed it." Clementine responded as both laughed. Amidst the glee, the protector couldn't help but jest:
"You should continue." A bit abacked:
"With the second?" Clementine asked immediately as Lee started to chuckle:
"Why not?" he asked, but couldn't hold out his laughter. The idea of his, now almost an adult, sweet pea sitting on a classroom with a bunch of little kids was very entertaining for the old professor. Clementine let out a sigh during her protector's amusement, but couldn't help but at least smile to the idea at the end. Afterwards, to put a stop on Lee's counterfeit worry:
"I can educate myself, thank you very much." Clementine said in a frustrated voice in jest.
"You do?" Lee asked in a genuinely surprised tone. He could feel Clementine nodding on his shoulder as she confirmed:
"Yeah, gotta keep myself busy… after I send AJ to school..." After a brief pause, she decided to elaborate: "...Started with maths, physics…" she paused again to look upwards, towards her protector. With a bit bashful smile, she completed: "…some history." Lee seemed above the clouds as he heard Clementine's last remark. Immediately after though, he put on a challenging expression which Clementine caught up on.
"Not… American history, yet…" Clementine gave the bad news. Through Lee's obviously jesting disappointment, Clementine added: "…Gotta finish world's, first."
"Okay then…" Lee responded, back on his challenging expression which was successful at worrying Clementine a bit. After some time, he asked:
"… The most important event that lead to the discovery of Americas?
"Most?.." Clementine asked as she softly broke the cuddle to sit straight, accepting the challenge. The gentle wind was again sweeping through her face and hair as she took on Lee's challenge and thought it through for a while. Thankfully, she just read about the discovery and the time period of it yesterday. During their classroom sessions the last couple of days, whenever AJ was busy with his reading or a problem, Clementine would momentarily go back to her own study for both her own sake and to encourage her goofball.
Eventually, Clementine turned back to her protector as she locked her hair again. With a bit worried expression:
"...It was for trade, so… That would make it… Fall of Conta… Constantinople?" she replied which immediately resulted in Lee having a proudful smile to congratulate.
To approve...
"Still…" Lee interrupted Clementine's contented state she adopted after her correct answer. "… isn't there an institution… like a high school?"
"Not yet…" Clementine answered with a bittersweet smile. As she believed she just proved, Clementine definitely wanted to get back to her education, as well. However, the facilities within Commonwealth was not yet that advanced, but it was getting there since everyone within worked really hard building them.
"...Oh…" Clementine exclaimed excitedly all of a sudden, as she remembered yet another fantastic news she could share, while thinking about building Commonwealth. Through Lee's anticipating gaze: "… we're going to get our own homes!" Clementine completed with a huge smile.
"I thought you guys liked the dormitory." Lee responded. Grasping why he said that, Clementine jumped in:
"No, we didn't ask for it. It… came out of nowhere…" she explained happily. Thereafter, she decided to elaborate: "…We'll share two houses, eight of us. Apparently they're building it right now."
"Wow…" Lee couldn't help but express, still surprised. "…that's incredible..." he added which Clementine responded with a jubilant nod. Subsequently, Lee wondered. With one eyebrow up, in a jesting tone:
"...So, who'll be the unlucky three?" Lee asked as Clementine feigned being offended with a shocked expression. With a chuckle, Clementine responded:
"Well AJ, obviously…"
"Of course." Lee agreed immediately but the moment he did, Clementine spilled the next one.
"… and Violet. The last, I'm n…"
"Violet?.." Lee asked, cutting his sweet pea. As her gaze turned back on him, guessing what Clementine was about to say before he interrupted her, Lee added with a confused tone: "… Why are you so sure about Violet?"
The moment she realized how big of a blunder she just made was pretty apparent as Clementine's eyes almost protruded. She escaped Lee's gaze for a second and blush a bit to unwittingly signal Lee exactly why, as he smiled in acknowledgement.
Clementine was clueless. Both in how she was about to get out of this mess, and why she's feeling the need to get out of it to begin with. She was completely fine with it when AJ spilled the relationship out in front of her friends, but why the hell was she so concerned about it now? Even though she hasn't done yet, where did this urge to defend herself came from? Why was she so scared of what Lee would think about her being with Violet?
All it took for Clementine to abandon her worries was to turn her gaze back to her protector, detect his great smile and reassuring eyes. At that moment, Clementine came to realize how much she cared what Lee would think of her, on everything. Although she always tried to respect her friends' perspectives; Lee's presence, its reality notwithstanding, felt like the only authority she minded and needed when it came to making a decision or her overall characteristics. Throughout her apocalyptic life, she tried to carry and ask the questions of "What Lee would do?" and "What Lee would say if I did this?", so when it came to mention a romantic relationship, Clementine unconsciously felt like she had to seek Lee's approval for it. But thankfully, her protector's expression had no speck of disappointment, judgement or even a slight worry, instead it was completely filled with elation and anticipation as he gradually raised his eyebrows. Looked like Clementine kept him waiting for a while:
"She is…" Clementine started explaining finally. "…always there for me, ever since Ericson. Well, everyone is, but…" she paused to put an adoring smile as she continued: "...hers… always felt different..." Afterwards, what Louis signed at the end of the birthday party came to her mind. With the help of her last remark, Clementine's smile grew even greater as she realized that Violet's feelings for her was there since the beginning. Enlightened, Clementine turned back to Lee with her still standing great smile and red cheeks:
"...I… think I love her, Lee…" she admitted at last as she bit her lower lip towards the end. Lee gave out a jubilant chuckle in response, highly glad that his assumption was correct. Afterwards, in a jesting tone:
"Does the poor girl know it?" Lee asked. In a tone that matched her protector's:
"She opened up to me…" Clementine responded as she feigned being offended. After the duo shared a brief laugh over the exchange, Clementine wanted to clarify as she felt expressing her feelings cheered and relieved her more and more. Her gaze back on the ground:
"… after a gathering, Vi and I stayed late and talked. Accidentally, she saw…" Clementine paused to hold her arm for a moment, where the branding was as she added: "… this… I got so terrified, but…" she paused again to turn back to Lee, with a bashful smile: "… she… kissed me. Basically snatched me away from my thoughts." Clementine finished with a chuckle at the end.
"Looks like she's not the only one that understood, that…" Lee responded, as he pointed towards Clementine's arm: "… doesn't mean anything."
"I guess…" Clementine could only say as she lowered her gaze. She knew better. She realized Lee said that to make her feel better, but she knew better. Better to never forget the things she did, and to live with them…
It was the second time Lee observed his sweet pea, engulfed with her thoughts. She was looking outside the container, towards the forest again. Her free hair was covering her whole head but front and was concealing her eyes from Lee now. Lee could sense that, unfortunately, his sweet pea was still troubled with that time of her life. He tried setting her mind at ease before, multiple times but… Just like how she felt about his own death, Clementine was ever-vigilant in their reunions. She was not accepting any excuses in favor of her when it came to both her protector's demise and her time in Virginia where she lost AJ. She was way too self-conscious…
After some time, in an effort to verify his worry and also to try and light Clementine up, Lee reached over to her hair and gently latched it behind her ear so he could see her eyes. Initially, they were nostalgic and gloomy, like they were observing past memories, not the enjoyable kind. Clementine returned her gaze back to him. With a smile and an inquisitive tone to his voice:
"Still feeling safe, are we?" Lee asked.
"Yeah…" Clementine answered, her face immediately livening up which had the same effect on Lee as well. The promise she gave to Lee about her hair never escaped her mind, and she even kept it with Violet's help for a while after they moved to Commonwealth. However as the time passed and she started to see how secure the place is from the outside world, Clementine saw no more reason to keep cutting her hair and allowed it grow for five months now.
Feeling that she had to apologize for breaking her promise in any way, with an embarrassed look, she added: "… I'm sorry-"
"Don't be…" Lee retorted softly, cutting Clementine as he shook his head. He completely understood why Clementine decided to not maintain the promise, and was in no way disappointed. To further reassure his sweet pea, he added with a smile: "… it looks marvelous."
"Thanks!.." Clementine responded with a huge, relieved smile. Lee could feel his heart melt against the return of such a lovely sight. But it was short-lived, as Clementine's smile slowly withered and she dropped her gaze again. Through the professor's worried look, Clementine gave the bad news:
"...But, I… might have to cut it now, though."
The promises…
"Why?.." Lee asked promptly. "...Is something wrong?" Clementine kept silent as she was struggling to decide where she should start. But first, noticing how apprehensive Lee was starting to get, Clementine reassured with a failed smile:
"Everything's still fine. I just… had a meeting with Maggie, the leader. She offered me a job..." Through Lee's anticipating gaze as he raised his eyebrows in surprise, Clementine continued: "...She wants me to be a part of the Commonwealth military."
"Wants?" Lee asked, sounding concerned. Clementine never mentioned this Maggie to him before. Understanding why her protector was snagged on the word, she corrected herself:
"It's an offer. I… can refuse, don't worry..." Clementine wanted to add more as she saw Lee's expression relax: "...She even gifted me a much better leg for it." With her great smile, she finished: "...I… can run again, Lee. Just like before…"
"That's…" Lee tried to say through a chuckle but, he couldn't find a strong enough word to express how happy he is for this, yet another, excellent news. After he digested it however, what they were discussing about originally didn't escape his focus. Although he was still worried, Lee asked, with a more relieved tone this time:
"What about the job?.." Right afterwards, Lee remembered what Clementine initially said about the job. In a jesting tone, he added: "…Don't tell me you're becoming a trooper."
"Oh, God. No!" Clementine responded instantly, through a chuckle. She remembered telling Lee about troopers, especially how they're dressed, as the exact remark she used was 'like plastic toy soldiers'. The idea of getting into one of those white & red, exaggerated in size, foamy plates was dreadful for her.
"Thankfully, it's something else…" Clementine added, still smiling to the idea. Afterwards, she started explaining: "…It's called rangers. Maggie wants them to be the experts of the outside world…"
"Oh, you're an expert now?" Lee couldn't help but joke.
"Apparently so…" Clementine verified as both of them laughed. As it subsided, Clementine continued:
"...They'll be all about the outside; dealing with walkers, exploring… I have two weeks to decide on that and if I accept, I'll join a small expedition. Like a test…"
"Hmm…" Lee grunted subtly in acknowledgement, right before he asked the most critical question: "…Do you want to do it?"
Clementine lowered her gaze as to show how conflicted she was on this. It took her a while to look back on her protector to reply:
"I… think I need to, Lee..." Through Lee's confused stare, Clementine directed her gaze to the outside as she continued with a slight gloomy voice: "...Ever since… the barn… I felt so… inadequate."
"Honey…" Lee tried to intervene, as he realized where the conversation was heading towards, but Clementine persisted.
"…I'm grateful to everyone for their help. I am, but…" she stopped to lower her gaze even further, towards her stump as she finished. "… I hate feeling like a burden for-"
"Clementine!.." Lee retorted, decisively this time. With an upset tone, he asked: "…Name me one person that thinks you're a burden…" With a head tilt towards his sweet pea, he finished: "… other than yourself."
Clementine said nothing as she just responded with a piteous chuckle, aimed at herself. Lee was right, noone claimed her to be a burden ever since Ericson, cause none of her friends were neither rude nor abrupt enough to admit that she was. She appreciated her ever-caring protector's effort to make her believe otherwise, but the truth was set in stone for her.
"Anyways…" Clementine said at last as she shook her head as to try and leave her current frame of mind and continue explaining. She returned her gaze to Lee to see him still a bit frustrated. Thankfully, as Clementine kept going, her protector kept listening respectfully:
"…also, Commonwealth has been so good for us. Especially AJ…" she stopped to adopt an adoring smile as she continued to mention her goofball: "… he knows what a school is… a park is… a childhood is, thanks to here. Things that… I thought… he would never get to know." she finished as her smile degraded to a bittersweet one, towards the end.
"You feel like you owe the place…" Lee deemed, with a composed voice which Clementine responded with a nod. Afterwards, with a proud smile, he added: "…Let me guess. They don't care, but you don't, either." Clementine couldn't hold herself from smiling back. Lee knew his sweet pea was way too goodhearted to just sit back and accept free welfare.
"And…" Clementine stepped in to continue: "… I know this one's a bit… selfish, but…" Clementine locked her gaze on her protector to finish: "… I have to see if I can still do it… Survive out there…"
"You know you can, sweet pea…" Lee responded reassuringly, but Clementine shook her head right afterwards as she claimed:
"I don't, Lee." Her gaze dropped back on her legs again, with a worried frown. As Lee guessed, poor girl's self-confidence that he praised every chance he got was severely shaken by what happened at the bridge, at the barn… Since then, the drastic changes injury forced upon his sweet pea were unbearable, especially mentally. She must've seen not being able to defend others, let alone herself, as an insult considering the world she lived in. Because of this, Lee completely comprehended why Clementine would want to re-prove herself in her own eyes, and agreed that she should at least try it despite the dangerous nature of the outside world.
"I know you can…" Lee encouraged again as Clementine turned back on her protector with a smile.. Recalling their previous meetings, he continued: "… Isn't this exactly what you wished you'd have as a job? One that you can work to ensure the boy's safety more?" Clementine nodded to respond with her standing smile, but her eyes were still reflecting worry. Now that he brought AJ into the argument, probably the sole reason why Clementine did not accept the job yet dawned on Lee:
"You're… worried about him, aren't you?" he asked.
"Yeah…" Clementine confirmed. "… I'd have to leave him behind, from time to time and… I'm not sure if I can…" she paused and lowered her gaze, between herself and Lee. She had a gloomy voice as she continued: "I made a promise… that I'd never leave him." She closed her eyes as that dreadful scenery she made that promise was in front of her eyes again, unwillingly.
Lee knew about the promise Clementine made at the ranch, right after she found AJ and grasped why his sweet pea would carry a sentiment like that. However, he also couldn't help but disagree on her logic. With a subtly sly expression:
"Well, you broke the hair promise…" Lee abruptly said. Clementine's face -as she immediately locked her gaze on her protector- reflected surprise, confusion and a little bit of disappointment.
"Lee, I-" Clementine tried to say but it was cut short:
"...Why'd you do it?" Lee asked. Even though his tone seemed devoid of any frustration, Clementine was way too abacked by the question itself to notice her protector's delivery as she was busy trying to apologize:
"I'm really sorry, I th-"
"No, no…" Lee cut her, again. He did want to chaff about the promise, but seeing how serious she took it, he felt terrible momentarily. With an even more effort to sound reassuring, he added: "… just, tell me why, sweet pea."
"Umm…" Clementine's confusion grew vaster as she recognized Lee's effort. Eventually: "…because, walkers aren't around, anymore?" she explained.
"See?.." Lee responded affirmingly. Through Clementine's still confused stare, he elaborated: "...The condition you made that promise in became irrelevant. So it made the promise itself, also, irrelevant..." Clementine's eyes flashed with acknowledgement as Lee added: "...It's the same with the one you made to the boy, wouldn't you say?"
"I…" Clementine started as she completely understood her protector's thinking, and even smiled a bit in embarrassment to her own unnecessary touchiness. As even she herself started to see and believe, Clementine was nowhere near alone anymore. Ericson kids were more than willing to aid her on anything, especially when it came to looking after AJ.
Still, despite how relieved she felt, she wasn't completely sold on accepting the offer as she reminded herself of another con: "…I don't know Lee. I doubt things've gotten better out there, too."
"Nothing you can't deal with…" Lee immediately praised which his sweet pea appreciated with a smile. However, Clementine was feeling weary again as she put her hand on her forehead, stroking it to reflect the headache she's suffering because of this conundrum. Seeing her struggle like this, Lee threw her arm to invite his sweet pea for another cuddle which Clementine accepted as she rested her head on his shoulder again.
On one hand, this offer felt like a one she cannot refuse as it was the perfect remedy for her physical and mental state. If she was to get over her self-pity, Clementine believed she had to take this life-changing step forward. On the other, the idea of going back out there was almost as horrific as leaving AJ behind. As brief as it may be, the idea of separating with her goofball in any way felt like a grave mistake. One that Clementine believed she doesn't have the luxury to make. Not again…
Her eyes towards outside,attached to a sigh:
"I really don't know what to do, Lee." Clementine eventually said with a tired voice. Feeling her frustration, Lee gently patted Clementine's shoulder to try and comfort her. During:
"We both know you can handle what's out there, sweet pea. That should be the least of your concerns." Lee reassured. Clementine looked up to him with a grateful smile in reaction to the praise, right before she turned back to the forest and exhaled soundly to reflect her other worry.
"What about AJ?.." Clementine asked. "...He wanted to come with me as soon as he heard the offer, Lee."
"Of course he did…" Lee said as he chuckled. He hoped his relaxed expression and jest would have the same effect on his sweet pea, but unfortunately, she still seemed struggled as she added:
"He got mad when I said no, too. Haven't talked to me since…"
"You trust the others, don't you?" Lee asked with a calm, neutral voice.
"Yeah, I do. But…" Clementine answered. With a single chuckle, she added: "…I don't trust him..." She continued through Lee's confused, one eyebrow up stare: "...I'm just afraid he'd do something reckless out of worry, if I went."
"Hmm…" Lee grunted to imply that he understood. A simple, jesting solution came to his mind. To get a laugh out of his sweet pea.
"…Locking him up is out of question, huh?" Lee asked which proved successful as Clementine raised her gaze and laughed. Right after,though, she adopted a serious tone and gaze in jest and replied:
"Yes, it is."
"Dammit…" Lee whispered as he feigned his disappointment.
The light…
Clementine again supported her head on Lee as both laughed at their exchange. Lee was delighted at the sight of his sweet pea enjoying her time with him. If only he could help her out more…
"You… never sweared, before…" Clementine claimed all of a sudden, with a surprised and jubilant tone. Lee couldn't help but let out a tiny chuckle, reflecting a bit of guilt. Afterwards, with a slight head tilt towards his sweet pea:
"Not in front of you…" Lee admitted. After a chuckle from Clementine to her protector's adorable confession, he added: "…but, screw it." He paused again to turn his gaze on his sweet pea, which she noticed as she also looked up to him with a huge smile, her head still on Lee's shoulder. A feeling incredibility and pride filled Lee as he looked at Clementine's face. Let alone what she was able to achieve, to endure after his passing; Lee could've never guessed he would have a conversation about a job appointment with her one day, especially when he was still alive. With a proud smile, he finished:
"...I'm talking to an adult, now."
Clementine responded with a grateful smile right after she received the praise. She broke the cuddle by rotating her body completely towards her protector to properly hug him. Things he did for her when he was still alive; his presence, then and now… How much she appreciated it, Clementine couldn't put it in words as she already used up all she knew and didn't know any stronger ones.
"Thanks to you…" she could only say as her chin rested on her protector's shoulder. In response, she could sense him, shaking his head as he replied:
"I didn't do shit…"
"Stooop…" Clementine had to intervene lengthily, accompanied with a laugh. She held unto her protector even tighter as she received his remark. Although he was still jesting with his choice of words, she knew Lee meant what he said. Of course, he was way too good and humble of a person to acknowledge his own feats. Let alone boast on them which made her appreciate his presence even more as Clementine sank her face on Lee's shoulder. After a brief silence where the duo kept their embrace:
"Anything, Clementine…" Lee said. His voice was calm, proudful and reassuring. "…you can do… achieve anything..." Clementine was feeling embarrassed enough already and her protector's continuous praises wasn't helping. Especially since Clementine recalled where else she heard him say it, as Lee verified it at the same time:
"...And your excuse of being little… is not valid anymore." he said as he let out a singular chuckle towards the end which was immediately followed up by his sweet pea's own that came out like a squeal out of his shoulder.
How much… If only he knew, just how much Clementine missed his soothing words, his soothing presence… How much she'd want him to be where she is now… How much she wished he'd be able to enjoy a happy, peaceful life… How much regret she was filled with… How much…
Lee maintained his silence afterwards as it seemed Clementine needed his embrace. She was holding him so tight and pressing her face unto his shoulder as to not let go of him. He couldn't help but feel saddened to the fact that their talks would always end in a similar note, poor girl expressing her yearning like this. What made him even sadder and worried however, was the couple of droplets he felt on his shoulder and his sweet pea's sniffling sound. With a sympathetic frown, Lee put his hand on the back of her head to caress, as all he thought he could do was to allow her to let out.
"Why?.." Lee heard her say into his shoulder with a trembling voice, all of a sudden. The volume was so low that it almost came out like a whisper. In response, Lee gently broke the hug to look at Clementine's face to see her struggle to not cry out loud. Her aglimmer eyes poured out dreariness and guilt as Lee wiped the tears out of them with his thumbs. Just when he was done, Clementine asked again, with a tone that reflected how awful she was feeling:
"...Why didn't you tell me… that my parents were dead?"
"Clem… I didn't-" Lee tried to excuse as his heart felt like it stopped because of this sudden, staggering query but Clementine cut him:
"You did… I know you did…" Just as Lee was about to ask how can she be so sure, what Clementine said next almost appalled him:
"...I… heard the messages. And… I know you listened them, too." Clementine grimaced towards the end that implied how emotionally difficult this confrontation was for her. And yet, her grief and regret got the better of her during their hug as she blurted out the question at the end.
Lee was oblivious as to how Clementine got to hear her parent's messages, but his mind was too busy trying to find a way to answer her to dwell on how. At last, he put both of his hands on his sweet pea's shoulders and nodded to admit that he did hear the messages and kept the contents of it away from her. After he saw Clementine a bit collected thanks to his touch and confession, Lee closed his eyes to prepare himself to answer. He wanted to be honest, as he saw no other acceptable way to deal with such a sensitive matter.
"How could I, Clem?.." Lee said at last. "…Don't you remember how hard it was for Alvin Junior? Those nights in the car you heard him forcing himself not to cry?.." With a dreary voice, he continued: "…And that was him… A kid that didn't even get to see his parents… Didn't know what to miss… To mourn and yet… He did anyways..."
Clementine dropped her gaze as she remembered how awful those couple of weeks were. She could never forget how heart crushing his goofball's sound of wailing was…
"...Now tell me…" Lee kept going as he adopted a more diplomatic voice. "…how could I?"
Although she correctly guessed exactly how her ever-caring and thoughtful protector was going to answer, Clementine couldn't care less what she would've felt…
"You'd still be alive…" Clementine responded with a calm, dreary voice as she raised her gaze, looking through her protector's soul. "…I wouldn't have trusted the fucker on the radio, and you'd still be alive."
"You don't know that, sweet pea…" Lee tried to deny as he shook his head but Clementine persisted, firmly this time:
"You would!.." Feeling filled with self-anger, Clementine started to yell as she continued: "…And, it would've been worth my sorry-ass crying for a couple of days!" Despite how furious Clementine got, Lee kept his cool and smiled in response to her remark. His gaze filled with compassion, he simply replied:
"Not to me…" Clementine let out a piteous chuckle and her face crumpled with more grief. Of course he would think that he'd rather die to not make her cry…
"…The thing is, Clem…" Lee continued with an explanatory voice. He saw how his sweet pea reacted to his previous remark, so Lee wanted to engrave why he didn't mention the message on her mind. "…you were so full of hope. Like a beacon, you shined all over us… Everyone would look at you to fill their hearts, whenever they felt down…"
Clementine couldn't meet her eyes with Lee's in embarrassment as she said nothing but smiled. Lee, feeling immensely content that his sweet pea seemed willing to listen, wanted to tease and cheer her up a bit as he remembered her mischiefs back in the day:
"…Well, maybe not Duck …" he stopped as both chuckled, Clementine's a bit unwilling. Afterwards, Lee continued, back with his calm, explanatory voice: "…So, if I went ahead and told you about your parents, and if you believed me for some reason… If I extinguished that beacon… we might as well died right then and there…"
Clementine closed her eyes to assess the situation herself. He was right. At first, she wouldn't trust him, but that wouldn't have prevented her from just… getting crushed out of sorrow…
"...Could things have ended up better if I told you? Maybe… I don't know." Lee said. Just when she was about to further claim that it could as Clementine turned her gaze back to him, Lee finished with those compassionate eyes again:
"...But, what I do know… Is that I don't regret a second of that beacon's light…" Clementine's eyes started to glimmer again as her huge, grateful smile was accompanied with a distant train horn noise which both of them knew what it represents. Lee pulled his sweet pea closer by her shoulders to hug her again. Afterwards, with a wishful tone:
"…Please… You shouldn't either, sweet pea."
Clementine held her protector tighter and completely rested her head on his shoulder as she received his desire. Lee's affection in his words alleviated her heart, her sorrow but… With teary eyes and a crackling voice:
"I'll try…" was the best response Clementine felt she could give as she sensed her consciousness slowly leave the cargo container.
…