It isn't until Rick is whisked away to surgery that Amanda's brain reboots enough to realize everything they were doing to keep their family safe now has to be changed. Scrambling for her phone, she can't find it anywhere and remembers that she was holding it when Rick was shot. The damn thing is probably laying on the pavement back near Rick's car.
"If you need to call someone, you can borrow my phone, but you might want to clean up a bit first."
Startled, Amanda wonders how Rick's boss got so close without her noticing, but the carefully gentle way he phrases the offer reminds her that she'd cleaned one cop's blood off her hands only to add another. Looking down, it's not just her hands. Her jeans are soaked with blood, and her shirt hasn't fared much better.
"I need to let his family know."
"I already have Dianne on the way to Shane's home, and another deputy dispatched to find your brother. Depending on how they want to do it, we'll keep a guard on both the house and the hospital." The Sheriff gives her a kindly smile. "I've got Shane and Michonne's contact information, too. You ask one of the nurses if they can loan you some scrubs."
Amanda can't imagine dragging all the kids up here, not for a surgery she's afraid will take hours upon hours. But Carl's old enough, and Evelyn will want to come, plus others. She doesn't want any of them seeing her covered in Rick's blood. Thanking the Sheriff, she follows his instructions and finds herself directed to an employee locker room to actually shower, not just change.
The advantage of the deserted shower room is ten minutes to sob out her fear and distress without any witnesses. Pulling herself together, she towels dry, throws on the plain blue scrubs, and lets the trainee nurse escort her to the surgery waiting room. She's unsurprised to find a half-dozen deputies already haunting the room, men she recognizes despite none of them being in uniform just by their body language. The number will fluctuate as deputies rotate on and off duty, she knows, but it won't matter that Rick's only been with this department for a handful of months.
He's one of theirs, and the vigil will be held.
Amanda doesn't greet any of them, just takes a seat and sets her attention on the door. Whether it's family or surgeons, that's where her attention needs to be.
By the time the surgery passes the four hour mark, everyone is at the hospital except Merle, Carol, and the children of all the families, who are under enough watchful eyes at Shane's home that it might take a small army to get near any of them. Jean and Evelyn are huddled together with that fragile, near-broken look Amanda knows comes from women who've already lost too much to face this with any sort of poise. Susan and Daryl have taken up spots on either side of Amanda, while Carl twitches between where Sophia and Lori, to the grandmothers, to like he is now, sitting in the floor and leaning against Amanda's legs.
She can't tell if he's guarding her or drawing comfort from the contact. Maybe it's both, although when she reaches down to brush her hand across his messy hair, he leans into the touch.
Shane and Michonne can't get a commercial flight out of Barbados as late as it was in the day when the Sheriff got word to them, but family money buys a lot of leeway. Their charter flight left Bridgetown at five and will land in Atlanta by ten. It's far better than waiting until tomorrow afternoon to fly out.
Conversation has been in short bursts, mostly commentary to reassure each other that Rick's young, healthy, and strong. No news is good news, right? It means he's hanging in there to give the surgeons time to repair the damage.
"I'm going to go find everyone some food," Lori says quietly as she stands, and she looks as ghostly pale as Amanda's ever seen her, and Amanda feels a twinge of distress that she's completely forgotten Lori's pregnant. Amanda feels Daryl shift next to her, and she nods at his questioning look. Carl doesn't move, but Sophia follows Daryl and Lori out of the room.
The dozen or so assorted sandwiches they bring back don't last long, accompanied by weak coffee and soda. Evelyn's normally picky eating behavior is nowhere to be seen as she mechanically takes bites of an egg salad sandwich. Like Amanda, her attention never wavers long from the waiting room door, and in the shuffling of eating and bathroom breaks, Susan takes a seat next to Evelyn, speaking so softly Amanda can't hear the words.
Lori settles into the seat next to Amanda after Daryl whisks away the sandwich packaging, leaving her his half cup of lukewarm coffee to have something to do with her hands now that Carl's been distracted into surveying the vending machine for chocolate with Sophia.
"This was always my worst fear," Lori admits softly.
"Rick getting shot?" Amanda has never understood until today exactly what kind of terror might run through the minds of her family every time the news reported an officer shot. Even when she was actually shot, she'd made calm phone calls to reassure. Now? She regrets not showing up on Susan's doorstep to let her see, live and in-person, that Amanda was okay.
"Yeah. I got so damned lucky, I know. Shane got shot that one time in the leg, and there was that horrible, horrible day when Athena got shot. But sometimes it seemed like Rick was under some charm to keep him safe."
"Like a cat with nine lives," Amanda mumbles, and Lori laughs weakly.
Whatever else she was about to say is cut off by the door swinging open to admit a pair of scrub-clad surgeons. Everyone is on their feet, damn near swarming the pair, who look like they've just run a marathon.
"Lieutenant Grimes is in recovery," the woman informs them, introducing herself as Dr. Stevens and the other surgeon as Dr. Subramanian. "We'll move him to an ICU room in about an hour, and then family can visit, but only two at a time, and only for ten minutes this first round. We'd like to keep visitors limited for at least the first forty-eight hours, because he isn't going to be able to respond to you since we've got him in a medically induced coma."
Evelyn's broken voiced query about the coma leads to an explanation of flail chest, cardiac arrest, and extensive damage to the ribs, and Amanda feels herself begin to shake. A strong arm drapes around her shoulders, and she leans into Daryl's offered support.
"He shouldn't be alone, even if he's not awake," Evelyn protests. She looks so lost that Amanda steps away from Daryl without thinking, offering the same comfort he'd offered her. That makes Evelyn turn to Amanda. "I don't want my baby alone, Amanda."
"Could a single person stay?" Amanda asks.
Dr. Stevens looks around the crowded room and exchanges a look with her coworker before nodding. "Just one family member, though, and they have to stay out of the nursing staff's way. The ICU has limited space and other patients in need of quiet to recover.
"You'll stay, Amanda," Evelyn announces. "Alternate with Shane."
"And me," Carl interrupts. "I'm over eighteen, so I'm old enough to stay."
"How long will my son need to be hospitalized?"
"If he stays stabilized, perhaps another three to five days after he's moved from ICU. In a normal situation, I would predict a day in ICU for monitoring once he wakes, but in this one, that time may be extended. Plan on him being here at least a week, but two would not be unusual."
"And after he's discharged from here? Will he be able to go home, or will he need to go to a rehabilitation center?" It's Jean who asks instead of Evelyn, reaching out to take the younger woman's hand.
"It's too early to tell for certain on that," Dr. Stevens replies. "But if he recovers well, I would not be adverse to discharging him straight home so long as someone can be there with him for at least two weeks after."
Amanda has that much vacation time, easily, although she suspects Evelyn's planned departure just got moved back by a month or so. Everyone is making plans for Rick's recovery like it's a given, and she seizes onto that idea herself. The surgeons bid them farewell, advising a nurse will fetch them once Rick is settled in his ICU room.
"Shane's flight should land in the next hour," Jean says, turning to look at everyone. "Once he's here, and everyone's had a chance to visit, we should all head to his house. Amanda can stay the night here, and then tomorrow, Carl can stay the day, Shane the evening, and Amanda the night again."
No one objects to the plan, and with news that Rick's stable, the deputies bid everyone farewell, even as they leave cards with their numbers with Amanda. The remaining family is shuffled from the surgical waiting area to a much smaller waiting room adjacent to the ICU itself. Amanda can't sit anymore, pacing nervously and wishing time would move faster.
Jean is actually on the phone with Shane at the airport when the nurse arrives. Evelyn and Carl go back first, and the visit lasts a little longer than the ten minutes they were told, but Amanda isn't surprised. Nurses aren't going to rush a critically wounded cop's mother and son from seeing that he's made it through surgery.
Evelyn is openly weeping when she returns, sobbing in an unrestrained way that breaks Amanda's heart. She isn't surprised to see Jean gravitate toward Evelyn again, leading her away to a chair.
Although it's obvious Carl's been crying, he squares his shoulders and faces Amanda. "You should go next and stay with him."
It makes sense, Amanda thinks, because she doesn't think Daryl or Susan will visit while Rick's sedated, so she takes the time to hug Carl until he squirms away. In a different world, the fact that Lori walks alongside her would be uncomfortably weird, but Lori's been her family far longer than Amanda's known Rick. The ongoing friendship between the exes is nothing to be ignored, either, and Amanda thinks Lori needs to see with her own eyes that Rick is safe, too.
They pass an on-duty deputy with lieutenant's rank standing guard outside the ICU as a whole, moving along a path that to the rooms that passes monitoring stations set up between pairs of ICU rooms. With no word of Gorman being found or arrested, Amanda's glad to see the Sheriff is taking things seriously enough to post a guard over Rick while he's most vulnerable. She feels nearly naked herself, clad only in scrubs since the Sheriff took her weapon to secure for her.
Stepping into that ICU room is harder than getting in the ambulance had been, even if scrubbing her hands in the sink provided buys a little time to build courage. Adrenaline kept her going during that frantic trip, but now, there's only an uneasy fear mixed with silent prayer to a higher power she isn't sure she believes in. The warmth of Lori's hand between her shoulder blades grounds her enough to step over the threshold, and Amanda moves away to immediately search for Rick's hand amid the tubes, cables, and bandages.
"He looks so young and fragile," Lori says softly, stepping up to the other side of the bed. She reaches out to brush Rick's hair back from his forehead, wincing at the livid purple bruise decorating one cheek. Amanda realizes Rick must have hit his head when they fell.
Amanda focuses instead on Rick's heavily bandaged chest, although there's more padding to the left side. Her mind unhelpfully supplies 'entry wound' and she thrusts the thought away, laying her free hand above the bandages where she can feel his heart beat in time with the beeps of the machine. "He'll be up and driving us all crazy rushing his recovery before we know it."
"Yeah, he will." Lori manages something resembling a smile. "I'm glad it's an us now. You both deserve to be happy."
The wedding seems a million years away now, along with Lori's meddling to reconcile Amanda and Rick, but Amanda can't find any resentment in her. As horrible as this feels, seeing Rick medicated and unmoving, she can't imagine not being here with him. If they hadn't found their way back to each other?
This wouldn't be her place.
Lori leaves before her allotted time is up, pausing to talk to the nurse at the desk. It doesn't surprise Amanda that the nurse bustles in with a pillow and blanket as soon as Lori's out of sight.
"Your sister-in-law said you'll be staying the night. That couch behind you isn't the most comfortable, but it unfolds into a decent enough bed. Can't say you'll get a lot of sleep with us in and out checking on things the machines don't monitor, but anything you do need, just let us know."
Setting the blanket and pillow down on a small counter near the sink before moving to a whiteboard, the nurse grabs a dry erase marker and scrawls names in the brackets set aside for the attending doctor, nurse, and other staff. Lilly flashes a warm smile Amanda's way while she does a quick check of the IV line and various cables. "I'll be on duty until seven in the morning. I'll send his brother in when he arrives."
Amanda just nods without replying, but Lilly seems to expect it and breezes back out of the room. Through the window into the hallway, Amanda can see Lilly sitting at the computer, intent and typing something. Moving away from Rick and letting go of his hand seems nearly impossible, but Amanda knows she can't stand next to the bed for hours. Sleep isn't going to happen soon, fold-out bed or not, so she reluctantly lets go of Rick's hand to go tug the chair close to the bed.
That's how she's settled when Shane arrives fifteen minutes later, looking flustered and rushed. He glances briefly at Amanda, but she isn't surprised that his attention goes right back to Rick. The intense outpouring of brotherly love makes Amanda's heart ache, and she eases away to shut herself in the bathroom. Even in there, Shane's quiet rumble can still be heard as he begs Rick to get better.
She stalls as long as she can, emerging only when Shane falls silent. He makes no effort to hide that he's been crying when he looks up. "We'll catch the bastard, Amanda. He won't get away with this."
"I know."
The quiet declaration makes Shane stare at her intently for several heartbeats before he nods. "If they don't give you time off to be here, tell them to fuck off. You'll have a job with me if they do."
That reminds Amanda that she doesn't even have her phone to call in, and she's surprised that no one has chased her down for a statement yet. Her earlier statement doesn't cover Rick getting shot. Perhaps the Sheriff covered for her, considering how long he was at the hospital himself before duty called him away. She tells Shane about the missing phone, and he passes her his phone without any hesitation.
Calling Lerner results in a conversation where the only surprise is the caller ID of the phone itself. Amanda's lieutenant assures her that she's already placed Amanda on leave for the week. "It's administrative leave, but if they clear you sooner, I'll get the paperwork in order for some of your annual leave. Just let me know how much."
Lerner takes a long pause. "I wish you'd looped me in. It's a hell of a hornet's nest here, but the way O'Donnell and Gorman ended things? That's bought you some leeway with going outside the department, but I'm going to be honest with you, Shepherd. Coming back? That's going to make all the hazing you ever got for being a woman on the force look easy, I'm afraid. If you have other opportunities, you might consider them."
It's ironic that Shane's offered her a job twice, but he's too experienced not to understand the end result of Amanda investigating her own. It's not that her fellow officers want corrupt cops among them, but the hypocrisy will always be that you're damned if you do and damned if you don't when a bad cop gets arrested.
"I'll keep that in mind, lieutenant."
"Good luck." Lerner hangs up, and Amanda passes the phone back to Shane, who watches her carefully.
"Do I need to start that paperwork?" he asks quietly, tucking the phone away and taking Rick's right hand in his again.
"Maybe. But maybe it's time I do something other than law enforcement."
Shane doesn't try to dissuade her from the idea, seeming to understand her disillusionment. Then again, he's standing next to his wounded brother, so this is probably the time any cop would understand the desire to leave the career behind.
Like Evelyn, Shane overstays the allotted time, but the nurse is sweet when she comes in twenty minutes later to usher him away. He promises Amanda breakfast in the morning as he leaves.
Alone again with Rick, Amanda settles in her chair and takes his hand, bringing it up to rest against her cheek. "I'm never going to live this down if you can somehow hear me, but you need to get all rested up and come back to us, dammit. I love your stupidly heroic ass, and I need to say those words when I can see you understand them."
There's no response, but she pretends he hears anyway. She's just going to have faith that she'll be able to tell him she finally understands there's no time limit on falling in love.
He'll wake up.
He will.