{a/n I am so sorry to have made you all wait so long for the next chapter...I won't go into a long explanation of why...so without further ado...}
Chapter 1-2
February 1864
I slid the door open and a wave of frigid air hit me square in the face. I mean, it was like getting hit by a mist of ice.
Not the most pleasant way to start the day...
"God! That's cold! Haven't they ever heard of heat in this place?"
I knew that was a childish thing to say and immediately felt sorry for them, and myself. Of course they knew about heat… They just probably couldn't afford it what with all the money they don't get paid. The government could sure be a Jerk sometimes.
Clumps of thick clouds trundled silently over the city, an unusually strong wind driving them along.
Well, at least they didn't decide to let me freeze to death, I thought as I reached for the jacket they had left for me and happily snuggled into its warmth.
A week had passed while I was staying at the headquarters of the Shinsengumi. Still no sign of my father. This left me feeling both relieved and worried. Relieved that he hadn't turned up dead and worried that someone else may turn up dead because of him.
Well, at least the Captains seemed to trust me enough to let me roam about the compound as I pleased which gave me plenty of quiet rooms to do some much needed thinking, not to mention my own room in which to sleep.
Granted, they weren't the best accommodations, but then who was I to complain. I mean, after all, they had been intending to kill me instead. And I hardly think I could have stopped them if they had followed through. So, cramped room, better than being dead.
"Still…"
I looked down at my bare feet on the cold floor and breathed a heavy sigh.
"Must I keep hiding that I'm actually a woman."
It's not like I had been trying to hide it in the first place. And now I was being forced to tape down my chest. Like it was even necessary…
They had given me a place to live, for the time being, though it hadn't been without strict conditions.
Previous night
Hijikata had sighed seeming very tired, "The Shinsengumi will look after you, but we can not have a woman traipsing about the compound."
As he explained, if word were to get out that the Shinsengumi were keeping a woman at their compound, then rumors would begin to spread; thus ruining their already not perfect reputation.
It might even bring the people who were after my father to the Shinsengumi in search of me.
Personally, I thought, just let them come, they couldn't possibly be more vicious than these guys.
But then again, they hadn't even been able to determine whether he'd even been attacked in the first place. So, for all we knew he could be out there right now making more messes for me to clean up once we did find him.
I was very tempted to tell Hijikata and the others my many theories for why my father may have vanished. However, I decided that I had done enough of going against my better judgment during my first day in Kyoto and decided that possibly getting my father killed by the very people helping me look for him, was probably not the best course of action to take.
There were many questions left unanswered so we could ill-afford any reckless decisions. Or so Hijikata had told me. And that would definitely be a rash decision.
"In other words," he continued, "you need to keep this façade as a man. I doubt that is what you had wanted to hear, but you either do or you're out on your ass. Clear?"
I really wanted to protest, but something in his eyes stopped me. Like he was silently pleading with me to agree with his terms; that he didn't truly want to throw me out into the cold.
So instead I just nodded and said a quiet, "Yes, sir…"
I understood his reasoning.
But more than that, he was looking after not only the safety of the Shinsengumi but for my father's and mine as well.
Knowing this made following his orders at least somewhat more tolerable.
Sanan smiled at me from where he sat to the left of Hijikata, "I doubt you would do so intentionally, but the presence of a woman could…ah…disrupt morale, so to speak."
He was clearly trying to lighten the mood with a bad joke, but I also knew…he couldn't be more right.
"For that reason," he continued, "Only we, the Shinsengumi's leadership, will know the truth about your situation."
Great. So now I was not only being protected from the people after my father but also from the men of lower rank in the compound?!
But I suppose if word were to get out that I, said woman, were staying here, who knew how fast the rumors would spread, or to where. I would decidedly have to remain a man.
"All right then. What shall I be doing whilst here?"
Okita opened his mouth to say something dumb or inappropriate but Hijikata beat him to it, "Nothing. You're going to get a room and you're going to stay in it."
Okita smirked, this time speaking before anyone could stop him, "Really? I could've sworn she was going to be someone's page-"
Hijikata's eyes shot to Okita and narrowed to angry slits, "Souji, keep your tongue in your mouth or I'll cut the damn thing off!"
Before long, I'd been there for a week.
"I guess I don't really have a choice…"
No, that wasn't exactly true. I did have a choice…I could do as I was told or, I could go traipsing around in a Geisha's outfit…I grimaced and then shivered…
Yeah, that was NOT going to happen.
I straightened up and clutched at the sword my mother had left me and tried to think back to my earliest memory of her…nothing…
I slowly unsheathed the katana and watched as it glistened in the sun.
My father had presented it to me when I was but a child, and had impressed upon me at least some sense of its importance.
It apparently had been passed down in the Yukimura family for generations, its last owner being my mother. It was times like these that I most wished for a memory of her, any memory…I wouldn't have cared what it was of as long as she was in it.
Anyway, my father encouraged me to take up lessons in swordplay and at first I was hesitant. You see, I have never much cared for swords. They hurt people, even got them killed, but for me it was much more than just that.
For as far back as I could remember, any wound I suffered would heal at an incredible rate. Small cuts would disappear over night. As a child I had thought nothing of it. But as I got older I began to understand that I was not quite normal.
When I had asked my father about it, he told me that it was a gift from the gods, but that I should tell no one about it.
I didn't tell anyone, of course. But someone did indirectly find out.
One night while leaving the market, a close friend and I were mugged in an alley not far from home. I had received a nasty gash on my face. My friend and the mugger both watched as a thin line of light appeared on my face where the gash was and then blinked out taking the wound with it.
I never saw her again. To this day I still don't know what happened to her or her family. Or the mugger for that matter.
All I do know is that when I went to her house the following day to explain that even I didn't know why that had happened, she and her family were gone. There was no note, just an empty house.
Ever since then, I'd done my best to not get injured whilst in anyone's presence. I still carried a blade, mind you. I mean, I wasn't stupid. I had to protect myself somehow from any moron who would dare attack me. 'Cause let's face it, I wasn't patient enough to come up with an intelligent way to talk myself out of any bad situation I got myself into.
Anyway, dressing as a man all the time was fine by me, it was the damned tape that bothered me…it itched like hell. And carrying around a sword allowed me to protect myself and prevent anyone else from discovering my condition.
"Still…"
That wasn't the only thing on my mind.
The rank-and-file soldiers had been treating me like crap which only made me feel worse about my no-control-over situation.
I wasn't imagining it either…I mean how could anyone mistake their utter lack of acknowledgement of my existence as any form of kindness?!
I had heard that having a private room was a rare privilege, even for the captains. For a complete stranger to appear out of nowhere, and be given better treatment than their own captains… It was little wonder the soldiers resented me. For me, this was unacceptable. Not their resentment but the fact that there was something to resent me for. I would definitely have to talk to the captains about maybe treating me less like a captain's pet in front of everyone. 'Cause it was annoying, even for me…not to mention embarrassing.
I wasn't exactly not enjoying the hospitality, such as it was, of the Shinsengumi, so, of course I felt I owed it to them to help them out in some way. If for no other reason than just them helping me find my father (even if he wasn't exactly worth looking for).
The ways of the Shinsengumi and their soldiers puzzled me. And there wasn't much opportunity for me to learn them either since Hijikata had instructed me to pretty much never leave my room. But did I listen? Probably not as much as I should have…hence the resentment of the rank-and-file soldiers.
From time to time, however, the captains or other officers would send me on one errand or another, but I was nothing approaching a page, which was something I had never wanted to be in the first place.
Most of the duties they gave me were things more suited for a maid than a soldier! This of course only resulted in the rest of the men becoming ever more resentful of me for what appeared to be special treatment.
This-this-this was all just very unacceptable!
One of the captains would always be stationed outside my room.
"To make sure I kept my mouth shut no doubt."
I groaned in frustration as I sat back down on the floor.
I understood that my mistakes could mean serious trouble for them.
"But do they have to try so hard to prevent the other soldiers from so much as looking in my general direction?!"
The again, perhaps I was just a crappy actor. Their soldiers almost never spoke to me, but one of them had spoken to me.
Flashback
Unfortunately for both of us he was very drunk. He was just passing by and wished me a good evening. Of course being as drunk as he was he ended up tripping over nothing grabbed my gi, probably just to steady himself, and then next thing we knew there was the sound of a very loud RIP and the idgit was sitting on the floor quickly flitting his eyes between the cloth in his hands and my now exposed chest.
This was perhaps the single most humiliating moment of my entire adult life…I had stupidly forgotten to re-tape my chest that evening.
Of course there was always a Captain keeping a close eye on me. Unfortunately for both of us, this time it was not a Captain but the Commander, Hijikata, Demon of the Shinsengumi.
He apparently had seen the whole exchange as ridiculously humiliating as it already was I suddenly felt myself blushing a whole new shade of red. And as the Demon Commander rushed at what I assumed at first was me, he instead grabbed the drunken moron by the collar of his gi and dragged him to his feet and then slammed his forehead into the guys face. Effectively knocking him out for the next several hours.
Hijikata breathing heavily, whether from rage or shortness of breath, turned to me but the look in his eyes was indiscernible, "What were you thinking?!"
Before I could think of anything intelligent to say he continued.
"You know what, never mind," he gave a heavy sigh and then took off his Shinsengumi Hayori jacket and, not once taking his eyes from mine, draped it around me.
I didn't know how to respond so I stupidly kept staring unblinkingly into his purple eyes.
He was the first to break eye contact, "I hope what happened here tonight proves how crucial it is that no one finds out what you are."
Though his words were soft and careful they still stung but only because of how true they were.
I quickly turned and started to head back to my room, "Chizuru-"
I whipped back around as I sensed him reaching for my arm, "No. You're absolutely right. I was-I was careless. I made a mistake and it nearly cost him," I glanced to the now unconscious soldier, "his life, not to mention my own. I assure you, Sir, it will never happen again."
And with that said I had left a fairly confused Hijikata and very drunk sleeping soldier in my wake.
Flashback end
And so, henceforth I made the decision to stay out the way and to keep to myself. It was a fairly boring existence not to mention lonely. So of course I began to feel depressed.
"If I'm supposed to stay out of the way, well then couldn't they have chosen a more out of the way room to leave me in?!"
I very much wanted to continue searching for my father, though not for the reasons they thought.
Even after a week had passed, I was still restricted to the headquarters!
If not for the undeniable truth that together they could most definitely overwhelm me, I would have hightailed it out of here!
After all, I had come all the way to this city in the first place to search for him! And now it would seem that search has been stopped in its tracks.
I needed to find him…fast.
And not to protect him, but the lives of those he may destroy just simply by being in their presence.
"Huh…"
Perhaps, I thought, I could speak to Hijikata. If I could convince him to allow me to go out to look for my father…
"Well, Hell…!"
Hijikata left on a trip to Osaka several days ago!
…
…
"I may be able to sneak out while he's not here…"
…
Well crap…
Normally I would have just said to hell with it and left, however, a part of me wanted to see how this would play out. On the other hand… … …Hell there was no other hand.
I groaned and plopped back down on the floor of my room.
I would just have stay put and follow Hijikata's wishes.
I shook my head to clear it of any straggling frustrations or temptations. I had already caused enough trouble by practically forcing Hijikata to knock one of his men unconscious. The soldier would be lucky to not have brain damage! I made a mental note to ask about his wellbeing.
*sigh*
I glanced about my room, feeling somewhat forlorn. It wasn't the worst room I've staid in, however, it was nearly empty. Not comfortable but like I said I've staid in worse. There was one thing, though, that made my stay here much less comfortable... Where the hell were all the books! Didn't they ever take time out to read?!
Even when left alone back in Edo I at least had books with which to pass the time.
I took a few calming breaths and then closed my eyes mumbling to myself, "Damn you, Father."
My Father's business had taken him out of the house quite often, sometimes for days at a time. And so you would think I would have grown accustomed to spending time alone.
However, that and this are not at all the same… back then, I could always assume he'd be back, eventually. And usually I didn't receive bad news before he returned. But for him to not come back at all…that was just unacceptable!
To not even let me know that he wasn't coming back?! Granted, he could be laying face down in a ditch somewhere. Drunk or dead, didn't much matter to me, as long as no one else was injured or killed because of him.
"When the crap will I be able to start looking for the jerk again?"
I let out another frustrated sigh.
Sudden approaching footsteps from outside my room drew my attention to the open doorway.
In my current state of frustration I was so startled by whoever was approaching my doorway unannounced that I stupidly unsheathed my Katana as though preparing for an attack.
I once made the same mistake with a maid we had back home.
Of course I remembered to late where I was and, "Yukimura!"
Luckily I was deep enough into the room that my non-attacking guest was able to stop just in time.
It was Kondou!
Scratch that, THIS was the single most humiliating moment of my life and one I will never forget.
For a moment that seemed an eternity, Kondou just stood there blinking at me while I stared back feeling like I might throw up.
Don't just stand there you moron come up with something intelligent to say! I immediately scolded myself.
More than anything I wanted to curl into a ball and cry, I couldn't believe what I had almost just done.
Instead I let the sword fall from my hand and fell to my knees and then lowered my face to the floor in a formal apology.
"Oh my god, I am so sorry! I did not know it was you! I would completely understand if you were to throw me out."
When he didn't answer right away I wondered if he was contemplating lopping my head off instead.
But then I heard him set something metal on the floor of the room and kneel before me. I felt his kindness in his heart as he reached down and gently pulled me back up so he could look me in the eyes, and for a moment I saw in his nothing but concern. This, of course, deepened my self loathing for very nearly killing him. I knew I shouldn't but I forced myself to look away.
"Chizuru, look at me…"
It was nearly impossible but I finally did look back into his eyes.
"Chizuru, do you honestly believe that I would still be Chief of the Shinsengumi if I threw out every potential soldier who unintentionally drew their sword on me?"
Kondou then gave me another of his genuinely caring smiles. And I for some strange reason found myself wishing that the Shinsengumi were my true family. This amazing man has shown me more kindness in a single week than my father had in a year.
"I suppose not…"
He nodded, "You needn't fret, Yukimura. But I will ask that you not be so quick to use your sword. It's okay to let your guard down, at least whilst here."
Kondou then seeming to only just then realize where he was, paused and gave me an odd look.
"Wait a moment…Is this your room?"
…
Until then I hadn't thought about it, but since they'd brought me in that day, this was the first time I'd seen Kondou.
"For now, I suppose it is." I sighed.
The moment the words slipped past my lips, his eyes went wide.
"O-Oh no… Then…then I barged into a woman's room without announcing myself?!"
Oh boy, I sighed.
Not wanting him to fully embrace Chief Panic, I quickly said, "It's completely fine."
I gestured to the rest of the room as he took a step back toward the door.
"After all," I continued with what I hoped was a convincing kind smile, "It isn't as though I would even have a place to stay if it wasn't for all of you. And besides there's nothing here I wouldn't want you to see."
He still seemed unsure, so I beckoned for him to come back in.
He sighed in frustration, "Arg… We'd decided you would be Toshi's page, so I'd assumed your room would be next to his…"
"Huh…"
Of course Hijikata had failed to tell Kondou I had yet to be made a page.
This was both amusing and irritating.
I cleared my throat, "Well I'm not exactly prepared to entertain at the moment, but you're more than welcome to come in, if you'd like."
An official invitation seemed to dispel most of his concern, and his smile creased his face again. My own concern however had me frowning down at my Katana, and he of course noticed my obvious distress.
He gave a sad sigh, "I wish I could convince you that while you're here, you're a guest of the Shinsengumi. So you have no need to feel nervous around myself or any of the other Captains."
With that said, he placed the object he had brought in before on the floor between us and sat down.
I glanced down and saw a tray of what appeared to be some sort of candy.
I could barely stifle the delighted excitement of my inner child trying to claw its way out in the form of a very loud squeal. Kondou coughed, doing his best to appear nonchalant.
"Do you…ah…like sweets? I found some of these in the cupboard, and I thought…"
I tore my eyes away from the candy and grinned at him, "Yes, sir. Though to be honest, I haven't had candies such as these since I was a young child."
I tried to remember the actual last time I had had sweets and wondered if it was my mother who would give them to me. After all, my father was always too busy after she died to spend any quality time with me. And now that I thought about it, I don't really remember him ever taking time out for me. So did I ever really have candy before? Or was that just another memory that was in actuality just a dream?
Kondou's soft voice broke through my pitiful thought moment, "So, what do you think? If you'd like to have some, you're more than welcome to them."
I glanced up at him and saw him smile hopefully, as if to add, "I hope you like them!"
My voice almost caught in my throat, "Th-thank you, Sir."
No one had ever been this nice to me, least of all a near complete stranger.
I didn't really know how to react to his kindness, but not wanting to be rude I cautiously reached out, and took one of the candies, popping it into my mouth.
The rush of flavor was so intense that I ended up letting out an involuntary sigh of delight.
Kondou didn't laugh at my admittedly odd reaction. Instead, he just smiled warmly, reminding me once again of the fatherly figure I wish I had known.
His eyes suddenly took on a gleam of concern, "I've heard you haven't been allowed to leave our headquarters."
I set down the cup of tea he had poured for me, "That is true."
I could see his brows draw together in deeper concern so I quickly added, "There's no point in rushing, though."
Even though I didn't truly believe that, I felt I had to say something to the only member of this group who'd been truly kind to me during my stay here.
Besides, if I were to run off without their permission, it would only cause further problems for the men who had promised to help me.
Of course, it was frustrating as hell, but I would just have to remain patient.
Kondou sighed, "I know how he appears, but Toshi is the sort of man who can't help but care for others."
I nodded and smiled, knowing all too well the lengths to which Hijikata would go to protect not just me but my identity.
I hadn't spent all that much time with him, but it wasn't hard to see that Hijikata was no fool. He was intimidating, of course, but he was a man of good intentions.
Then I said something that surprised even me, "If the Hijikata doesn't feel it's time for me to leave yet, then I trust him."
Kondou nodded and grinned, "I'll speak with Toshi. I imagine that you're bored and lonely, but I must ask you to hang on just a bit longer."
I let out a heavy sigh and gave him what was probably a very pitiful smile, "Very well, then."
He hadn't done much, to be honest, but for me, being someone who was rarely presented with this sort of out of the blue kindness, Kondou's visit had me feeling exponentially better. So I suppose I was rather easily pleased if an afternoon of warm tea with a near complete stranger was all it took to make me happy.
Time stood still as I watched shadows drift up my wall as the orange light of the sun painted my room the color of autumn leaves.
"Just how long am I going to have to do this…?"
Solitude was proving detrimental to any sort of continued optimism. All my thoughts eventually turned dark and hopeless.
It was depressing, but most of all it was frustrating. How the hell had I let myself become discouraged so easily?!
"I can't possibly figure out what my Father is up to if I'm stuck here…" I mumbled to myself. "The only one who can give me permission to leave isn't even here…"
I suddenly wished I had held onto Hijikata's Hayori jacket just a little longer. Wearing that my chances of being spotted were slightly lower which is most likely all the luck I would have needed.
However, lamenting things I could not change would not improve my situation, and would arguably make me feel worse.
There was at least one thing, though, I could be thankful for.
"At least they've all been somewhat nice to me…"
I wasn't sure that I could completely trust the men of the Shinsengumi yet, at least not all of them. They were, after all, the kind who had no trouble taking life in the blink of an eye.
It would be all too easy for the next life they took to be mine, should they all turn on me.
"But perhaps they are gentle men, deep down…" I thought of Okita, "Really…deep down…"
"Has anyone ever called you gullible?"
I groaned, Why couldn't I have accidentally pulled out my sword on this jerk?!
I slowly turned around to find Okita standing in the doorway.
"What are you doing in here?!"
He laughed at my obvious shock of his stealth, "Oh, so you didn't notice me? Well, it's my turn to keep watch."
Well hell! I forgot I was under surveillance. Which meant…
"You heard everything I said, didn't you?!"
"Hm?"
He said nothing, only smiled and blinked laconically.
"Great! Just great…" I let out a heavy sigh, deciding to just let it go. Okita wasn't worth my frustration.
Though, when I glanced back at him and saw he was still smiling clearly amused by my misery, I felt like punching his admittedly handsome face. I started to step forward to do just that when Saito stepped out from behind the door.
"You've done enough fraternizing for today, Souji."
He gave a small smile.
I whipped around to face him, "When the hell did you get here?!"
I felt like I was falling into a state of rage, my heart pounding a bruise into my chest from my shock at the incredible skill of stealth all the Captains seemed to possess.
"I arrived only moments ago," was his answer, though whether or not I believed him I couldn't say.
I searched his eyes for the answer to my unspoken questionable paranoia, and for a moment too long. His smile widened a fraction, clearly amused by what he found hiding in my own expression, "I would have entered sooner but I did not wish to interrupt what appeared to be external thinking."
I wanted to throw up.
Well, hell!
So Saito had witnessed my entire talking-to-self moment as well. Great! Just great…
I glanced at Okita whose lips were still curved into a ridiculous grin.
I wanted to smack that smirk right off his face.
No doubt, he would go straight to Hijikata upon his return and report the whole embarrassing scene, most likely while experiencing a hysterical case of the cackles.
Saito then looked between me and Okita and back and his brows drew together almost imperceptibly.
He cleared his throat, "I came to tell you that dinner is ready, but… Have I interrupted something?"
I flicked my eyes to Okita and then narrowed them. He seemed about ready to succumb to hysterical laughter right then and there.
I had to stifle the urge to strangle him in front of a witness.
Slight amusement and annoyance permeated in Saito's eyes, I could only hope I wasn't the cause of his current irritation, "I had intended to wait until you and Souji had finished your discussion, but…"
He let the words hang in the air, but his eyes suggested that he'd determined we'd go on forever if he did not interrupt. I opened my mouth to say…I'm not sure what, when-
Yet another stealth bomb shot through the doorway.
I nearly shrieked until I saw who it was, "Oh, hello Toudou…"
The moment he saw the three of us, his face fell.
"Hey! Guys! Dinnertime!" He sounded very annoyed.
Saito blinked at him, "My apologies, Heisuke. I shall be there presently."
The younger Captain smiled and then turned to me with a grin, "Yeah, yeah. You too, Chizuru. Hurry up, you three, or it will all be gone before you get there!"
I half-smiled back, "Very well then, Toudou. I shall join you as soon as I can."
He turned to leave, but stopped just as he reached the door. I saw him purse his lips for a moment, and then he spoke, "Um…you can drop the whole Toudou thing, okay? Just call me Heisuke. Everybody else does."
I blinked. I wasn't quite sure how to respond, so I just nodded and then said, "As you wish…, Heisuke."
He turned and gave me a wide grin, "Great! Sounds better already. Now let's go!"
Upon entering the dining hall we were greeted by a fairly annoyed Harada and Nagakura. Sano placed his hand on his hip, "You're late…"
Nagakura folded his arms and glared up at us from where he sat; a plate of steaming food already set before him, "You kids're late. Who's gonna answer to my crying stomach?"
I blinked at him and then glanced at Saito, "Tell me he's not serious…"
Saito replied with a sigh and an eye-roll and then sat down across from Nagakura.
Heisuke laughed and wandered over to sit next to Shinpachi, "You mean 'growling,' Shin. Really, you can be so simple sometimes…"
He really shouldn't have said anything, though, for this only proved to annoy Shinpachi further as he glared at Heisuke, seeming ready to knock him flat…or at the very least, steal all his food.
Sano sighed and shook his head, he then looked to me (I had yet to join them) and patted the floor next to him and once we were all seated with food before us, "All right guys and girl, it's time to eat, and that means every man for himself."
And with that, Nagakura and Heisuke began our meal's entertainment.
Nagakura began eying what was on his plate and then turned to Heisuke, "Man, there's barely enough here to feed a kid, let alone a man. So I'll just have to…take yours!"
He lunged forward, chopsticks in hand, at Heisuke's tray of food, only to have his utensils knocked off course in mid lunge by a small stone. For a moment, no one seemed to realize that I had thrown it. But then Okita glanced at me and seeming to understand, smiled the wolfish grin of his which of course had everyone else turning to me.
I smiled back, "Oops, it slipped."
Everyone except for Okita and Saito had shock plastered on their faces as they stared at the girl who would dare mix things up.
I almost started to regret my actions when Okita burst into laughter, "Oh wow! It would appear you have met you match, Shinpachi!"
Noticing that Heisuke had let his guard down, Nagakura lunged at his plate of food and ended up colliding with his friend's head, who had at the same time lunged for Shin's plate.
Thus began quite an amusing scene.
"Survival of the fittest!" sniped Nagakura, "This food is mine!"
Heisuke glared at his friend as they struggled, "Hey! Why do you always steal my food?!"
Nagakura grinned and then, "Gahahahaha! It's 'cause of the difference in size, kid! I got a bigger body. That means I need more food!"
"As if that explains anything," I mumbled.
Heisuke bared his teeth, "Well I'm still growing, old man, so I gotta eat more too!"
Anger flared in Shin's eyes, "Wha-Old MAN?!
Sano sighed seeming slightly embarrassed by his two friends, "Sorry you had to see this, Chizuru. They're always like this."
for the first time since I could remember I felt laughter genuine laughter bubbling up inside me and then pouring out through my lips.
"Are you kidding?! This is probably the most fun I've had in years…!"
Saito gave another sigh of a long suffering companion and rolled his eyes.
"How are we to deal with acceptance of such insanity?"
I glanced at Okita who had yet to put anything on his plate to eat.
"And why aren't you taking anything?"
"Well, my dear Chizuru, if I were to eat too much I would slow down."
Nagakura gave a sideways glance at the untouched plate of food seeming to find it hard to believe that anyone could be so selfish.
Though what Okita was being selfish about I just couldn't tell.
"Hey! What do you mean, 'slow'?! …Ah whatever, I'm taking that!"
Then without warning Nagakura lashed out his chopsticks towards Okita's plate of untouched food.
Okita waved his hand at him in dismissal seeming as though he could care less about the attack on his defenseless plate of food.
"Go for it. So long as I have a little sake, I'm good."
Sano nodded in quiet agreement.
"Sounds like I'm going with sake too."
Okita slid his eyes to mine an indiscernible look gleaming within them but it vanished and was replaced by a smile that almost seemed genuine.
"Try not to worry about eating too much or being a freeloader or something, Chizuru. Just eat to your heart's content, OK?"
"You don't have to tell me twice," was the last thing I said before jumping into a bowl of sticky white rice and vegetables.
…
Always having eaten alone made the experience of dinner with these men both an exhilarating and unnerving evening for me. It was, well, it was a lot of fun.
Before I knew it I was laughing along with the others.
Harada glanced sideways at me without me even noticing so when he spoke I nearly jumped out of my pants.
"See, there's that smile. You oughta do that more often. We aren't going to hurt you."
"Harada…"
His mouth curled up into an honest smile of his own.
I guess I hadn't really realized just how pitiful I must have appeared to them right then. Perhaps, they were all trying to cheer me up…
I wasn't quite sure how to feel about that.
I was conflicted over whether or not to feel pity for myself or to appreciate the moment for what it was.
Oh hell! I was conflicted by so many things it wasn't even funny.
I was conflicted about pitying myself, About missing Hijikata even though I barely knew the guy, about possibly wanting to strangle my father once and if I ever found him… I could go on but I won't.
The joy of seeing everybody smile and joke and laugh seem to be winning out, however, and I caught myself smiling when Inoue entered the room.
I don't know if it was just me but he seem to have a very grim look in his eyes as he turned around and closed the door behind him.
"Gentlemen, do you have a moment?"
As usual, his voice was warm and careful, but in his eyes I swear was a level of solemnity I'd never seen before, at least during our brief acquaintance thus far.
The warmth of the room quickly evaporated something bad happened I just knew it.
"I've just received word from Osaka. Sanan has been gravely injured in battle."
Whether it was because I was a woman or not I did not know but I was the first one to react.
"What…?! But-how…?!"
Okita was next.
"What happened?"
Inoue's eyes narrowed as he calculated his next words, "A dry goods store in Osaka was invaded by a group of ronin… Toshi and Sanan arrived just in time to enter the fray and subdue the ronin, however… Sanan was stabbed during the encounter…"
I felt my face Blanche and go pale.
If I found out that my father had anything to do with this…
"He'll be OK though, right?"
Inoue tried his best to smile at me but it came off as a sad imitation of his usual brilliance.
"According to the letter, he's gravely hurt but the wound is on his left arm. It will be hard for him to wheel the blade, but he will almost certainly survive."
Once again I felt my heart sank as I realized how grave this was he would survive but he would most likely end up feeling worthless as he would no longer be able to be a samurai alongside his family his compatriots his brothers.
"He should be returning here in a few days. Now please, excuse me. I must speak with Kondou."
He turned as he spoke, his last words delivered over his shoulder, and he was gone.
It was Saito who soon broke the awkward silence that followed.
"An injury so great, he cannot catch his sword… perhaps, the wound severed an artery."
He gave a heavy sigh as though to impress upon me the graveness of his friend's situation.
"To wield a blade with one arm is a disservice. He may never carry a blade again if it's true…"
This I knew only too well. I've seen some of father's patients after he had been too late to save their arms; wielding a sword would forever be out of the question for the rest of their lives.
In other words, fighting with a single hand would mean less strength behind his blows. Against an opponent of similar skill, he would almost certainly lose.
Okita glanced at his four companions in the room with him. He seemed to want to say something but wasn't sure if he could or should. But then with a defeated sigh he said, "If push comes to shove, he'll have to take it. I don't think Sanan's just going to give up."
Shinpachi glared at Okita as though he had just said something that was sinful.
"Don't jinx him, Souji. It's gonna look real bad if officers start joining the Furies."
"The what now…?"
Wait… that didn't make any sense.
I knew I probably shouldn't ask but my stupid side just couldn't help but continue to be obnoxiously curious.
"What are…the 'Furies'?"
I didn't exactly expect an answer especially not in such detail.
Without really thinking Heisuke volunteered an answer.
Oh, so Furies come from something you drink where any injuries could be cure-"
"Heisuke!"
Sano suddenly lunged across the room at the poor unsuspecting younger captain with his fist.
"What the hell?!"
Before I could move, Harada was on his feet and halfway across the room. I barely had time to take in a breath before he drove his fist into Heisuke's face.
I ran forward to see if he was all right but Shinpachi stopped.
He glanced at me and then at Harada.
"Sano, you're overreacting."
His eyes slid then to Heisuke, his lips slipping into a frown.
"That was my bad, Heisuke. I slipped first."
Santa looked more stunned than Heisuke did. He looked down at his hand so he couldn't believe he just used it against his own friend. Then looking down he reached out the same hand to help Heisuke back onto his feet.
"…You all right? I'm so sorry…"
After a moment, Heisuke offered a quick, pained smile and accepted his friend's offered hand.
"Nah, I should've been watching what I said. Still, Sano, you didn't have to hit me…"
His punch had had enough force to knock out a lesser man, but Heisuke seemed unfazed. It had never been more clear just how different these men were.
Shinpachi gave me a stern glance and placed his hands on his hips.
"Chizuru. Everything you just heard is something you are never to repeat. I'm sure you're curious, but we can't tell you anything else, so don't ask. And, please, forget what you just heard from Heisuke."
His voice was friendly enough, and clearly filled with concern, but his eyes gave his words a cold weight that made me feel like an unbearable pressure were closing in around me.
…
Okita glanced at me with a look that held within it nothing recognizable.
"The Furies that Heisuke spoke about are men to be pitied."
I couldn't read anything from his expression or his voice for both were flat and emotionless.
I wasn't stupid I could put two and two together and the only conclusion I could draw from that was that the Furies they spoke of and the men who attacked me in the alley the first night I arrived in Kyoto were one in the same.
A sudden chill of melancholy entered Okita's eyes and I had to suddenly look away praying that he didn't notice the realization within my own.
I couldn't bring myself to say anything more because I didn't trust myself… anymore…to not slip up myself.
Thankfully, Nagakura broke the awkward silence inadvertently saving me from having to run from the room.
"It's nothing you need to worry yourself about. You don't have to get all worked up."
When I finally did look back at him I saw that his eyes were more gentle and careful kindness had once again taken hold in them.
I was only a guest in their house, not a warrior of the Shinsengumi. No matter how much I wished I could be one of them I was beginning to wonder if they would ever truly accept me…as one of them.
The truth of their secrets were no business of mine, this I knew… it was a little comfort from that sentiment, however.
I finally find a group that I feel like I can call family and I can't help but feel like I'm still an outsider.
Saito, who had remained silent through the whole ordeal finally spoke nearly having all of us jump out of our skins since we apparently had all forgotten he was still there.
"Put it from your mind. Involving yourself in our affairs will only put you in greater danger."
I bit my lip to keep myself silent. I couldn't afford to let them now how much figured out on my own.
The wall that was quickly growing between us was almost tangible. Almost far too large and obstacle for me to defeat… On my own.
Eventually I did leave the room feeling far more depressed than I had when I had first arrived in the city of Kyoto.
I let out a sigh of defeat and closed the door to my room.
Well, I had a great deal to think about.
"Furies, huh… Hmm."
I wondered to myself if the furies referred to the Rakshasa in Buddhist texts.
Though I wasn't well-versed, I recalled reading a text about a man-eating demon god with that name.
"I have no idea where to start, from 'drinking the medicine' to 'captains becoming Furies'…"
I wanted to scream in frustration. This was so infuriating.
I just wanted Hijikata and Sanan to come back safely.
Suddenly my mind wandered to the night in that alley and for some odd reason I had a sudden sense of déjà vu. I had heard that high-pitched cackling laugh once before but where?
As I slipped into my futon I realized I wanted nothing more than to find my father now more than ever because I couldn't help feeling that he had something to do with all this but how he was connected I wasn't sure even I wanted to know that…