i genuinely thought this chapter was going to be short. i really did. and now we're 10k words in, just a thousand away from the last chapter even though I thought it'd be half the length. if the next chapter isn't around 5k words, i have severely underestimated how long this arc takes.
thank you for reading, liking, commenting and supporting. i love and appreciate you all so much. nothing else to say. let's jump in 3
chapter warnings: character death, canon-typical violence, nausea, vomiting, grief, survivor's guilt, self-deprecating thoughts
There are sounds all around you, bleeding through your ears like they're being played on repeat inside your very mind. None of them are very happy.
As always, you try to focus on the present. The galloping of the horses, Petra's steady breathing a couple feet to your right and Gunther's quick huffs to your left. Levi's hair whipping through the wind in front of you. Presently, the lack of death.
It never lasts long. Tragedy strikes one way or the other. And you always feel it coming, like a steady thump thump sourcing directly from your chest.
("Are we not allowed to speak on expeditions?" Eren asks, almost nervously, as the lot of you ride forward. You barely register the question, but Gunther answers him.
"We are. But we mostly don't, unless it's necessary. Keeps everyone alert. You're just not used to the silence because (F/N) is always talking everyone's ears off. On expeditions, our girl goes quiet, isn't that right, Lieutenant?"
You throw him a dirty look. Digging into your trauma isn't a classy joke. The only reason you "go quiet" is because you're afraid of making a mistake that could cost people their lives. If Gunther hadn't gone through that same trauma, you'd dig something out of your satchel to throw at him.
He is right, though. It's as if someone else possesses you during expeditions. The cheeriness begins to leave you the second you mount your horse. Then the gate opens, and your shoulders tense. The unfamiliar area doesn't help. You'd become used to leaving the warm, bustling city of Trost, and to depart from Karanes feels like a bad omen, even though the reason for it is humanity's first victory. You just can't shake the feeling that something's off.
Levi's words to you from a couple nights ago are driving you mad. What could possibly happen on this expedition that the upper brass is so sure of? And why isn't he allowed to tell you? What the hell is going on?
If the titans don't kill you, then this burning anxiety surely will.)
"Reporting, sir!" A Scout rides up next to you, talking directly to Levi. "It's an oral message! It appears the right wing spotters have been wiped out!"
Oh, fuck. You and Petra exchange pained looks. Already? Those soldiers had obviously been in the position with the most risk, but you'd been hoping that things wouldn't go to shit so soon. If the entire right flank was going to be wiped out, there would be no protection for Eren, and then what would be the point of putting him in the safest position of the formation?
Levi orders Petra to relay the message, and your fingers twitch as you watch her ride away. She'll come back. She always comes back.
There's barely any time to ponder what happens if she doesn't when everyone catches eye of several black smoke signals. Extremely close black signals.
"Shit!" Gunther hisses. "What, is the right flank gone?"
"Looks like it," you mutter, unsure if he even hears you. An abnormal this far in means you have to be ready for a fight. A brutal fight, by the looks of it. Assuming it's a single abnormal, Squad Levi should be more than equipped to take it on with nothing more than ODM gear, but if it was a single abnormal, it wouldn't have gotten this far in the first place. This is definitely going to be ugly.
Your thoughts turn to Ricky. He wasn't in the right flank, and that knowledge allows you to breathe easier. He's alright. He has to be alright.
A couple minutes later, Petra does return, much to your relief. But what she says isn't comforting in the slightest.
"Commander Erwin says that his squad and ours is to ride straight. Everyone else will go around those trees up ahead."
Into the mouth of the monster, from the monster himself. You curse whatever gears turn in the commander's head. He always has the right idea, but the execution is never not horrifying, even if it's better than whatever alternatives there are. The amount of times you've been ordered to play around with your life, or others', has reached a number you no longer feel comfortable divulging. All on his orders.
Riding straight into a forest is just the cherry on top of the risky-planned pie Commander Erwin has been baking for the past couple of years.
Captain Levi trusts him. And you, naturally, trust Captain Levi.
Again, his words, his damn words—"right now I can't tell you what's going to happen"—ring inside your memory.
You do trust him. More than you trust yourself at times. Some foreboding dialogue doesn't change that, but it does make your stomach turn unpleasantly.
Without a single prayer, you steer your horse forward until you're surrounded by trees on every side.
Sharply, you observe your surroundings, noticing your squad do the same out of the corner of your eye. Poor long-range visibility, but excellent area for ODM use, much like the forests you trained in as cadets. Your eyes flicker to Eren. In an ideal world, he wasn't to transform unless he was using his ability to seal up the hole in Wall Maria. But regardless, there's enough space to move out of the way should the need arise.
This same space, however, allows for any other titan to move freely as it wishes.
Ah, shit. You're far too tense, too pent up. You should've spent at least one night with Levi during the past month. But whatever, there'll be time for that later.
"Captain!" Eren sounds scared. Of your situation or of the person he's addressing, you're not sure. "Captain Levi!"
"What?"
"Come on, sir, we're in a forest! We won't see a titan till it's right on top of us! The center rank's totally cut off. Something's coming up on the right, isn't it? So what are we supposed to do? Avoid titans or defend the wagons?"
You almost hear the words that Levi bites back with before he even opens his mouth. "Quit whining and move on from the obvious already. Neither of those is an option anymore."
Yeah, the wagons are the least of your concerns now. As Levi tells Eren off, you place a hand on your chest, tapping your fingers repeatedly to try and settle your nerves. What do you know? What do you know?
One, everyone had already surmised that there was a second purpose to this expedition, aside from reaching Shiganshina. What that purpose was, no one was sure of. Two, something terrible was going to happen, something so terrible that Levi needed to know you'd still keep your faith in him. And third, somewhere, somewhere very close, a titan was approaching.
As clever as the commander is, he doesn't know which titans will be where. Titans aren't predictable the way humans are.
Wait.
Humans are predictable.
Your eyes widen. Humans—
"Black smoke!" Eren cries.
It's right behind you.
Everyone lets out similar curses. Before Levi even gives the order, your fingers are hooked into your blade and you're tugging it out, muscles clenching for the upcoming fight. Hunching down, you become almost one with your horse, letting him take the weight of the wind for you, leaving you almost suspended.
As before, your body relaxes in the strangest way. It's not the type of relaxation you'd experience in bed, but there's a certain lack of control that has to be exercised on the battlefield. At one point, everything else has to die down, with only instinct remaining.
"It'll happen in the blink of an eye." Levi's words pierce you, electrifying the nerves that connect your arm to the sword you're gripping so tightly. "Be ready."
The ground shakes, and your whole body trembles. Out of the corner of your eye, you see Eren look back, with a horrifyingly mesmerized expression.
When you hear an unnatural crack behind you, you know that someone has just died.
"Go! Move it!"
Petra lets out a mixture of a whimper and a gasp, and that's when you finally turn your head, feeling like you're in slow motion despite how fast you're going. It's a titan.
Oh, it's a titan alright.
The fastest titan you've ever seen in your fucking life.
And the only one with...breasts?
Just as you're processing the bizarre sight, someone flies up next to her, raises their sword, and is promptly smashed face first into a branch. Your mouth falls open in a silent scream.
It can't be real, but it is. It's in front of you, and it's murderous. A titan—no, a person—is striking down Scout after Scout right in front of your eyes, with no mercy whatsoever.
"Oh, shit!" Gunther glares furiously back at the titan. "How the hell are we supposed to pull evasive maneuvers in here?"
"It's catching up!"
You're pulling out your blade, eyes blown out in rage. How dare she, how dare she stomp on the lives of your comrades like they're nothing? In a fit of fury, you're already leaning back, ready, ready to jump off your horse and make her pay, because you won't go down so fucking easy. If she wants a fight, then she'll damn well get one. Even as Petra screams, "Captain! Engage the ODM gear?" you're one inch away from leaping off your horse, just hinging on Levi's voice in your ears telling you all to do what you do best.
But you're left teetering on the edge, because you don't hear anything.
Whirling your head around, you face a completely silent Levi, riding forward as though there isn't the equivalent of a hurricane nipping at your heels. All at once, frustration gives way to panic. What is he doing? Why isn't he ordering you to kill her?
The panic grows tenfold when you hear the sounds of cables being fired, and a couple more meaningless cracking of bones and losses of life. Each sound pierces your chest, leaving you gasping for air.
"Captain!" Petra shrieks, the desperation in her tone matching the one in your soul. "Your orders!"
"I'll cut the bitch," Eld seethes cruely, and in the heat of battle, you forget all else, and wholeheartedly agree. When you're through with her, she won't have any of her bloody, murderous fingers left.
"Captain?"
Nothing.
"Captain!"
"We need your orders, sir!"
Not a single response.
"She's gaining on us!"
More cries and more pleading, but no one moves a muscle, because that's not how you're trained. Out here, the captain damn well controls your every movement, and unless he says so, you're not to engage.
You turn back once more, see how close she is, how she could sweep you aside if you slow down even just a tiny bit, and your anger now turns into terror.
Levi's out of his fucking mind.
"Lieutenant!" Oluo shifts his attention, eyes wild. Gunther's are no better, and for that matter neither are Eren's and Petra's. They're all scared out of their wits, and you are too, with death carving her way through the forest behind you. "Tell him, tell him we need to fight her! Give the order!"
Should Levi be out of commission, his duty then falls to you.
You've never quite liked that part. The position is nice. The benefits, not excellent, but it is the Survey Corp. And the title? Rolls right off the tongue.
It's just that you're not a goddamn leader. Not like this. In the midst of all the blood and destruction, you operate on your own, working with the group because it's muscle memory, ingrained in your very core. You don't strategize. You don't take command. You just do.
Working under Humanity's Strongest means that you'd never had to worry about leading either. There's never been a time that Levi made a call that caused you to question his judgement. Never have you deemed him unfit or felt the need to seize control of the reins. Levi—Captain Levi—has always ensured that your title as his second in command never actually required you to take lead the squad.
But...but…
She's so close.
"Captain." You don't scream, but you speak directly to him, voice strained. "Captain, give the order."
And then Levi's head turns slightly, and your eyes meet his. While there's never been a moment that you haven't found them absolutely gorgeous, it's the first time in a while that you've been stricken by his steely gray irises. On most expeditions, there isn't much time for intense gazing.
But he's looking at you like Levi, not like your superior. The same way he'd looked at you while you were busy gazing at the stars outside his window.
Oh. You understand. This is what he meant.
"I just need you to know that there's going to come a time where I'll need you to trust me, more than you ever have in the past, even if I give you no reason to. Will you do that?"
Will you?
Of course.
Even as the pits of hell begin to open underneath you, even as the flames begin to suck you in, you're with him.
"Keep riding!" Your voice rings out in the middle of their screams, loud and clear as day. "Do not engage!"
Because if this is what he needs you to do, you'll gladly do it.
Right as the protests are about to turn into screams of unfiltered hysteria, Levi raises his flare gun, snaps at all of you to cover your ears, points upwards, and fires.
Covering your ears does little to keep them from ringing with the acoustic round. But it's clearly a message, most likely to Commander Erwin, which is a good thing. Levi hasn't lost it, he's following orders. That reassurance, even as he lectures the squad and Eren, fills your lungs, has you gripping the reins impossibly tighter, and throwing a sneer over your shoulder as the wind bites your cheeks painfully.
Have fun with whatever Erwin's planned for you, you fucking murderer.
When Eren has shown how unadulterated his hate for the titans has been, you've found yourself unable to relate. Titans, whatever they may be, aren't malicious, they're just killers by nature. In the end, the cruel truth is that it's not their fault. But whoever's chasing you doesn't have that same excuse. She's a human. A human like you. And you could never in your wildest dreams imagine subjecting other humans to this kind of fate.
Whatever the commander has in store of her will be well deserved. You hope she pays in tears.
"No, Eren, stop! You're only permitted to assume titan form when your life's in extreme peril! That was the agreement, you swore an oath! Eren!"
Oh, no.
Anguished, you look at Eren, who looks more tortured than any other soldier you've ever seen. There's rage and grief, like he's personally felt each death he just witnessed. Not only is this his first expedition, but it's already so much worse than it should have been.
Your mouth opens, but no words come out. What possible kind of pep talk could you give him? Tell him to remember the card game you played together? Like that'll do any sort of good now. He's a kid, and this much responsibility was never meant to be his. How can you do anything to hinder him when you remember the same impulsivity that came with youth and inexperience? Just like everyone else, you'd told yourself you knew what you were signing up for. And then—and then a titan carved right into Ste—
Your eyes shut briefly. Not now.
"I wouldn't blame you," Levi cuts Petra off, "do as your conscience dictates."
He says more, but you shut your mouth, praying that the captain can get through to him. It's times like these that the captain's softer side truly comes out, as odd it is. In a way, it's like you two switch. Levi becomes more empathetic out here, and you become almost cold. As if the barbaric setting brings out the best in him and the worst in you.
Maybe someone needs to be cold. Maybe this isn't the place for empathy. When everyone is safe behind the walls, then the fun and games could resume. Then you could force a smile back on your face for everyone's benefit. Out here, a smile meant death in the next second.
"Eren!" Petra tries again, far kinder than you could ever be in this kind of situation. "Trust us!"
"Eren! Come on, make up your damn mind!"
In a voice loud enough to make your heart beat faster somehow, Eren screams, "I'm with you!"
And then you run.
What was once an accelerating speed starts to feel slow when the titan's feet drown out the beating of horses' hooves.
Trust Levi. Trust Levi. Trust Levi. Trust him with your life, trust him with your soul, trust him with your every muscle.
And if that trust runs out, just look at him and it'll strengthen again.
You spot Hange first. If the titan looks insane, it's nothing compared to the expression she wears on her face.
"Fire!"
Checkmate, monster from hell.
The blasts are deafening. Eren is the only one who looks back, mouth open in awe. The rest of you had realized that this was inevitable.
That creature was surely a devil, but fortunately, not a bigger one than Commander Erwin.
You never cry, but the urge is never more overwhelming than when you realize the danger has passed, and that pisses you off immensely. What could possibly cause you to cry now?
You're safe. You're alive. It's…it's over.
"Everyone, hit your horses a bit further on. Switch to ODM gear. I have to break away for a little while. (L/N)'s in charge till I get back." Levi starts to stand on his horse, turning back to face the squad. "Tuck Eren somewhere out of sight, away from the Female Titan." Is that what you're calling it? How creative. "And see to my horse!"
For the briefest second, he makes eye contact with you, and the cross expression lightens by a millimeter, as if to say we made it, minx, you can stop looking like you're about to piss yourself. In response, you incline your head, responding i know, i'll take it from here. go, i'll see you in a bit.
He leaves, and you breathe easy.
Eren still looks incredulous, as Oluo and Gunther begin to rub into him. There's still some slight hysteria in their voices, but it's calming to hear them nonetheless. With one hand, you hit Petra's arm in a wordless question, and with a breathless laugh, she nods. She's okay.
After riding a good distance ahead, you give the call for everyone to get in the air, gently guiding Levi's horse and your own to rest by a tree before joining the others up in the branches. It looks an awful lot like the forest you'd once trapped yourself in, but really, all forests look the same. Eventually, they begin to blend into one another.
A part of you wants to be there when they find out just who's hiding in that body, but your smarter side knows that sticking with the squad is the best way to ensure Eren's safety. You just hope that everything goes well, and that no one else falls prey to her.
Something itches at the back of your mind, but you can't place a finger on it until Eren begins asking questions and the topic of trust comes to the table once again.
It's Eld who voices what you're thinking. "For being as supposedly instrumental to the plan as we were, the captain didn't give us much to go on."
"So what?"
"That means he doesn't trust us," Eld mutters, looking grim. "Kind of a big deal."
You agree, but not in the exact same way. It wasn't exactly Levi's choice not to trust you, because if the theory really was that the Female Titan was someone in the regiment, Erwin would have taken every precaution. That meant keeping everyone aside from his posse in the dark.
To put it plain and simple, though, that wasn't right.
Leaning back against the bark of the tree, you sigh angrily.
Eventually, Petra and Oluo start bickering again. Something about how he's pretending to be Levi (a ridiculous notion, you could do a far better impression). You tune it out, too lost in your own thoughts.
"Hey." Eld rests a hand on your shoulder, speaking to you in a low, soothing tone. "Turn Expedition (F/N) off for a second and tell me what you're thinking."
"Is that the best name you could come up with?"
"Yeah, bitch didn't roll off the tongue the same way."
"Funny," you quip dryly. "I don't know, Eld, it's like you said. We should've had that intel. The commander's done shit that I've disagreed with in the past, but this takes the cake. He does realize that if we'd made one wrong move back there, everything would have failed spectacularly?"
"I guess you can say it's a form of trust that he knew we'd make it." He looks thoughtful, but conflicted. "You blame the captain for going along with it?"
"No." Your answer is immediate. Levi's dedication to Erwin and his cause far surpasses any sort of relationship the two of you could ever build up. That thought doesn't depress you the way some people would argue it should. You knew what you were getting yourself into when you joined this squad. "My problem is with the commander."
"You've had a problem with him far before this."
"He's had a problem with me," you argue, frowning. It was an equally disdainful relationship, thank you very much. "But fine, even if he thinks I'm the worst, he could still have trusted you four. Have you ever done anything to make him doubt that you're not dedicating your hearts to this?" Waving your hand in frustration, your back digs into the bark further. You're pretty sure that Oluo and Eld had graduated almost a month after Wall Maria fell, so their dedication is clearly unwavering. "He could've thrown us a bone, Eld, that's all I'm saying."
Eld breathes out through his lips, a telltale sign of him agreeing to be the bigger person. It almost makes you smirk. "Fine, you're right. He should've told us. Bring it up to him when we get back, yeah? I'll even back you up."
As if on cue, blue smoke shoots up in the air before you can make Eld promise. Eren is clearly shocked, and even you can't hide your astonishment. Two victories one after the other isn't just foreign, it's basically impossible. But if you're retreating, that must mean the operation was successful.
It's either the lack of tension or the sudden need to be back home, but your heart suddenly feels lighter. Maybe Expedition (F/N) really does need to take a step back and relax. Incredible, the idea of someone telling you to relax.
Once everyone has checked their gear, you're back in the air.
"Oluo! Petra!" Eld shouts as all of you fly in a straight direction. "I've gotta hand it to you both, for someone who wet themselves first time out, you've come a long way!"
Petra rages in response, and you can't help it—you laugh. If only you could've been there when it happened. Both Petra and Oluo glare at you as you raise your hands in surrender, hiding your snicker by ducking your face. Eld's eyes are twinkling as you grin at him. It's nice to know someone else will lighten the mood up when you're out of commission.
"So did it, like, rain down on everyone mid-air?" Eren's question only makes you laugh louder.
"That's so gross! Did it, Petra?"
"Oh, I think Expedition (F/N) wants to come out to play!"
"Did you all sit down in a circle to make that dumbass name or what?"
Amidst everyone's lighthearted bickering, green smoke appears in the sky. Gunther fires one back, letting the captain know your location. This is it, you're going home. It feels like you've been out here for hours.
Soon, the murders that are fresh in your mind will turn into nightmares. You'll be able to contain them to the late hours of the night. Something for you and Petra to mull over as you lay in your respective beds, or confess to Ricky in the kitchens. Soon. Very, very soon.
"I think I'm going to stop by my father's," Petra murmurs to you, "once everything has settled down, of course. Do you want to come? I know you liked the biscuits he made for you last time."
That's right, those biscuits had been quite heavenly. And Mr. Ral had encouraged you to eat to your heart's content, chuckling heartily as you beamed at him with crumbs littering your lips.
"I'd love to." You smile at her, feeling a sudden rush of gratitude that you're still flying right next to the person you'd flown for the first time with. Years later and the two of you have achieved the impossible feat of pulling off this chunky gear with all the flair it was made to be worn with.
"Oh, shit!" someone yells in a way that doesn't feel right.
For a split second, you think everyone is still joking around. Comparing titan kills amongst each other, or bragging to Eren.
That second ends when you see a cloaked soldier swing their swords and slice Gunther's cables with one hand, and his neck with the other.
Someone screams. You think it's Eren. He's the one shooting straight down, as though to torture himself. You know damn well what you just saw.
Denial has come and gone. There's only so much bargaining you can do when Gunther's lifeless body is swinging from a branch right before your eyes. Depression will come much, much later, so acceptance is really the only option available.
No, wait, you've missed one.
Anger.
You don't stop for even a second. Oluo is the only person to take a detour, to grab Eren and pull him forward before either of them are next. It doesn't feel real, but it is. The boy who you'd enjoyed arm wrestling with, the man who you fake sword-fighted in the center of the Mess Hall for everyone's entertainment.
He's gone so fast. No last words exchanged.
"Who is that?" Petra snarls, murderous intent creeping into her voice.
Don't know, don't care, you want to say. You'll kill them either way.
"Lieutenant!" Oluo cries sharply.
Fine. You can take charge. What the hell else were all those drills for, when you would all take turns sitting out, if not for a situation just like this?
"Keep going forward! We either get to the center rank or we take them out before then!" Forcefully tearing your eyes away from Gunther, you zero in on your target. There'll be time for this. After you make this person pay, you'll grieve.
"Is that the Female Titan? Or did she have an accomplice?"
"Damn," Petra hisses, "whoever it is, they're gonna pay, even if it's the last thing I do!"
"Crap. If it is her, then we have to—hey! We have to attack now before she—god fucking dammit!"
Because of course it is. Her transformation is sort of the same as Eren's, basically materializing a titan out of thin air. While Eren's titan meant hope, this meant doom and more death. She'd already taken Gunther, and now she was coming for the rest of you. Could she already have killed any more in the area she had been trapped in?
Fuck it, you can't ponder this right now.
She wasn't going to kill anyone else, not if you could help it. This ended now.
"Damn you!" It's too much for Eren, who is raising his hand to his mouth. "Not again! I'll kill you! I swear I will!"
"Eren!" you screech. "Don't you dare!"
He's staring, wide-eyed, and you wish you could be sweet like Petra, but it feels like any bit of humor that you've ever had just died with Gunther. Right now, you don't have the patience for this. You're just aching to attack, to get some justice for Gunther and everyone else who'd died today.
"The four of us can handle her!" Eld yells at him. "You get back to base! Go, now!"
Fleetingly, you think that he should have been the one put in charge.
"I can fight her too!"
"Just go! This is our best course of action! We cannot afford to put you at risk!"
"Have you learned nothing?" It's Oluo's turn. "After all this, you still doubt our skills?"
Petra finishes it off, more manipulative than she lets on. "Is that true, Eren? I thought you had faith in us, that you trusted us!"
Panicked, Eren turns to you last, helplessly pleading. In his eyes, you see the same need to fight that you feel right now. "Eren," you command firmly, without the patience to coddle or guilt him, "I will meet up with you later. Go."
And even though it pains him, that seems to do the trick. Turning around in what seems like the most painful decision of his life, Eren listens.
"I have faith in the Levi Squad! Good luck!"
You won't need luck.
All at once, your squad, now a quartet instead of quintet, turn to face the Female Titan head on. Until this moment, you don't think you've ever despised someone with all your being the way you do now.
"Lieutenant! Your orders?"
Coldly, you reply. "Do whatever it takes to rip her nape open."
It means to engage.
"Yes, sir," Petra whispers viciously.
And now the real fun begins. The blades find their home in your hands.
Propelling forward with a sudden burst of speed, you and Eld lead the initial attack, but pull back at the last second. Following, Petra and Oluo take her eyes out.
You've never felt a personal satisfaction from causing a titan pain, but a sick twist of pleasure thrives inside you. This is the reason you could never stay inside stuffy Stohess your whole life. There's a thrill to this that's simply irreplaceable. It's going to feel even better when you rip this person out from the safety of their titan and face them, human to human.
After watching her kill and kill, you finally get your just revenge when you slice at her arm, ignoring the blood that coats your cloak. Oluo slices. Eld slices. Petra slices, and then you slice again.
Not once do you get in each other's way. In a few seconds, the Female Titan is backed up against a tree. In another few, you're taking turns ripping her arms down. How cute of her to try and hide her weak spot.
It's like she didn't know who she was fucking with. The best and brightest of the entire Scout regiment. Levi Squad. Did she, and the thought fills you with anger, think this was going to be fucking easy? You didn't need a fifth squad member. You didn't need the captain. Each and every single one of you was a fucking armada in your own right. Poor, dumb creature.
Each time your blades strike her skin, you feel more alive.
All of you take your own vengeance for Gunther, gliding sharply through the air like the Female Titan's worst nightmares. For Gunther, each assault says. For Gunther.
Because his sacrifice meant that the squad would never lose agai—
Wait.
That can't be right. It appears your stomach has been sliced open. Or that's what it feels like, even though you're perfectly intact.
If Eld, Eld, Eld—"ELD!"—has just been bitten in half, how could you still possibly be alive? Isn't this the end of the world? You should've made him promise to back you up when you got to base, because he was one of the rare few people who could calm you down easily and Eldcan'tbegonebecauseyouwerewinningyouwerefuckingwinningwhathappened?
And now, it seems you've been given the gift of foresight. The ability comes to you as Petra flails downward in panic. The seconds that you spent staring at Gunther are more than double the time you're afforded with Eld. You know what's about to happen before it does.
Even in this state, Petra shrieks what you all had overlooked the possibility of.
"Only one eye? She channeled her energy into one eye to grow it back quicker? How can she do that!?"
You've read about Eldritch monsters in several novels. This titan is far scarier than all of them.
"Petra!" you scream, voice hoarse. But you're drowned out by the thundering footsteps of the titan chasing her, and the heart-wrenching cries ripping from Oluo's throat.
She has to see her father. The biscuits, the letter!
She's your roommate.
She's your friend.
In this moment she's everything, and you can't lose her, you can't!
In one sickening crunch, she's slammed against the base of a tree. Her blood spatters all over the bark as your soul shatters, the crimson red far darker than her pretty hair, hair that you'd always thought resembled the same shade of red as Stephen's—
"Oh, God," you moan shakily, one hand flying over your mouth.
Death has surrounded you for years, and eventually you've become numb to the sight of people being eaten. But the way the Female Titan crushed Petra, a quick, brutal murder—it's something else to stomach entirely. Nausea rises in your stomach and makes you dizzy.
Five, down to two in a matter of seconds. Seconds.
Your heart pounds so loudly that you hear it in your ears, feel it in your throat. "Oluo," you rasp, the cold air barrelling through your form as the reality of it seeps into your bones. He's already moving. "We go for the nape, now."
He beats you to it. One of his hooks goes straight into her skin. "Now," he mutters darkly under his breath. "Die!"
He'd really loved her, you realize, and he'd never gotten the chance to tell her. The way he dives gracefully, as he's done so many times by her side, is truly something to behold. You can almost feel Eld next to you too, swinging his sword and crying out that he's got your back, Lieutenant! Except he doesn't. The two of you are all alone.
There's a loud clang, and you see pieces of Oluo's blades fly through the air and hit the ground meaninglessly.
When her nape comes into view is when you finally realize how hopeless your situation really is.
She can harden her skin.
Now, you think, with a lump in your throat and vomit bubbling up inside your stomach, that's just not fucking fair.
As her leg rises, you scream, reaching out for him. You're so close and two cannot become one, this is a squad and it can't just have one person because you're not enough on your own and if Oluo dies likeGuntherandEldandPetra then you don't know how you'll be able to do anything fuckhehastograbyourhandGRABITBEFORESHEKILLSHIMTOO!
You don't think Oluo even sees your outstretched hand before her foot smashes him against the bark.
A bloodcurdling scream escapes you as you get caught up in the force of the attack, blown straight into another tree.
The sound of something breaking echoes in your ears as you topple down, instinct driving your swords into the tree to slow your fall. Even so, your grip loosens and you fall the last few feet, dirt coating your palms and your face. Gasps and shaky breaths have you tasting the forest, the rancid taste matching the horrified realization settling in your head.
That can't have happened. It can't be happening.
On your knees, you stare, nauseated, at Oluo's body. And then, slowly, your gaze goes far up to the titan, shaking so hard that you think your soul is about to fly out of your body.
How are you the only one left?
"You bitch!" Fueled by a brazen fear, you look her dead in the eyes as she advances on you, not even attempting to run as you scream in anguish. "You fucking murderer! I'm going to—"
"—KILL YOU!" someone screams, and then a blinding light fills your vision.
No.
But your worst suspicions are confirmed when the ground moves, and you have to press yourself back against the tree to avoid the oncoming titan. Eren's titan.
No no no no, fuck, fuck, fuck! What's the point of all of your squad members dying like pigs for slaughter if Eren's safety isn't even ensured?
And there's nothing you can do to stop him.
Except watch as, for the first time in your life, two titans wage war against each other.
She dodges his punches. Throws a well-placed kick to his stomach. The ground isn't shaking as much anymore, but it hasn't stopped moving for you.
You can't look away. Looking away means looking at the others, and if you look at them you won't be able to do anything else. All you do, all you're capable of, is sitting on your knees and spectating the fight unfold in front of you like it's some kind of entertaining sport. Like a sparring match.
You'd promised Oluo such a match when you got back. When the hell did you get so comfortable saying shit like that? When did you forget that none of you were invincible?
It's only when the Female Titan begins to run, with Eren hot on her tail, that you finally stand. Moping isn't an option. You're not dead. You're not injured. That means you can fight. Eren can't lose his fight, or else humanity will lose everything. The way you just have.
Eld ruffling your hair at breakfast, teasing you about the bags under your eyes.
Stop.
Something's wrong with your gear. It looks like it must have been the last victim of the Female Titan's onslaught.
"Come on," you wail, banging on it with your fist, "come on, work! Work, you useless piece of shit!"
Like its fucking owner.
Oluo pretending like one of the tasks still left to do was his instead of yours because he thought you deserved a break.
Stop.
The ODM gear is essentially useless now. The only way you get out of this and follow Eren is to either wait for a mechanic to miraculously show up and help you, hope someone passes by with extra gear, or…
Your feet begin moving, as much as you don't want them to. As you walk, your fingers loosen the gear on your belts, shedding the canisters as you walk.
Gunther nearly tripping with a loud chortle as you toss him a ball that the two of you found tucked away in a corner of Hange's lab.
Stop.
It's not tough to decide whose to take. Oluo's gear was thrown violently off his body and is probably more damaged than yours. Just like his body. Stop. There's absolutely no way Petra's gear could have survived. As bent up as she is. Stop. One of Gunther's cables was sliced off and even if they hadn't been, you wouldn't be able to reach him anyways. Maybe if you'd reached him then, you could have saved him, or at the very least, taken his place. Stop.
Petra smiling, sitting next to you, telling you that you'd give this team the balance it was missing, and that's why you should join.
But she'd been wrong. There's no balance anymore. They're dead, dead just like him, dead and never to return, dead because of you—
"Stop it!" you cry, though there's no tears.
Kneeling down, you rip off the gear from Eld's lower half.
Because he's in fucking half.
Right as you click in the final buckle, you make the mistake of taking a look at his other half, the blood on his face, the glaze in his eyes, and the defeated look on his face.
Too much.
Bending over, you vomit onto the grass. To think you'd gotten used to the stench of death. Yeah, right. Today is just a reminder that no matter how ready you think you are, nothing prepares someone for this.
Someone lands next to you as your nausea gets the best of you, and for a second you think it's the Female Titan coming back to finish what she started, but the legs that meet your eyes aren't the killer's.
They're your captain's.
Something rises in your throat, and you throw up again.
"(L/N)'s in charge till I get back."
You wonder how much he regrets that decision now. Except Levi doesn't regret things. You've taken on that job for him.
He should've put Eld in charge. He never should have had you promoted in the first place. You shouldn't have given the order to engage, or at least not without Eren's help. Maybe if you'd all worked together, maybe, maybe, maybe—
"Are you injured?"
Your fists dig into the dirt so tightly that it presses into your fingernails.
While you don't want to look him in the eye—don't deserve to, you tell yourself—you stand up regardless.
Some people are shocked that Levi stays with dying soldiers until the end, or attends funerals when the families can stand him being there. Those people have never seen the haunted look that he wears on his face plain as day. Eyes devoid of any emotion and yet filled with so much pain, they almost make you want to recoil away, for once scared of the sight instead of fascinated. It's masked and raw at the same time. Cold to an outsider, miserable to you.
You lost your squad. He lost his team. You lost your friends. He lost his comrades. And the other way around. You lost. He lost.
Doesn't he always?
"No, sir." You swallow the bile down. "I can still fight."
"Good. We're pursuing them. Let's go."
So you leave them, deceased and bloody, every single one of them, in the middle of this godforsaken forest and follow Levi through the trees. You leave them, even though all you want to do is lay next to them and rest. You're tired. You don't want to go back for more. But Levi gave an order. And no matter what, you have to obey his orders without question.
It's clear where the two titans ran to with their footsteps etched into the ground.
You say nothing. What could you possibly say to him? He'd asked you to keep your faith in him, but it really should have been you asking, because you're the one who deserves to lose his trust. You fucked up. You led Gunther, Eld, Petra and Gunther straight to their deaths. Levi should never have trusted you. Not just today, but when he made you his lieutenant. Or hell, even when he requested you join his squad. Had you not warned him that you'd never be able to do it? That you weren't up to the task?
"She can harden her skin," is the only thing that manages to escape you, instead of the apology that he deserves.
"I know." Levi seems a good distance away, even though you're not flying too far apart from each other. "What else?"
"She can focus on healing only one part of her body. Petra and Oluo took out her eyes, but she—she focused on one and made it heal faster." Your eyes burn with tears that don't shed, or even so much as coat your lashes. These emotions are a liability right now. They have to be buried or else...you don't want to consider what could happen. What else could happen.
What had Eld called you? Expedition (F/N)? Maybe if you'd stayed true to that instead of letting your guard down, none of this would have happened.
"Captain, do we know who—"
Levi's teeth are gritted when he responds, you can tell without looking. "No, we don't. She called a bunch of titans to eat her before we could find out."
Your mouth falls open. What ability does this titan not have?
"Shit," Levi hisses, and a second later, you see why.
Eren's titan sits lifeless on the ground, steam surrounding the giant body. Right around the nape is a giant cut. A bite mark.
Did she...consume him..?
Something in your stomach drops impossibly low. Did all those soldiers die just for the Female Titan to kill Eren in the end?
Levi spares the nape another glance, but he keeps flying forward single-mindedly, and you follow the unspoken order. The objective is clear. Even if Eren is dead, the Scouts can't go back empty-handed. You don't want to think about the percentage of people lost today and how poorly those numbers will reflect on all reports. The whole regiment could be shut down with a failure this bad.
Beyond the trees, you hear screaming from an eerily familiar voice. You've probably spoken to her more, but Levi is the one who identifies it.
"Ackerman."
Your eyes widen. Mikasa can't face the Female Titan alone, she's just out of training! You know she's far more skilled than the average soldier, but the titan clearly has abilities far beyond your comprehension. The entire elite squad just took her on and she—she—
She crushed you all like bugs.
When you catch up with her, Mikasa is shrieking at the Female Titan's running form. A shudder ripples through you when you hear the words, "GET BACK HERE!" because the most cowardly part of you never wants to face her again. Levi grabs Mikasa before she can make good on any of the threats she undoubtedly wants to carry.
But the three of you still pursue, because Mikasa says Eren is, somehow, alive. Levi's dubious tone makes you think for a second that she's only believing what she wants to believe, and that you may very well be chasing a lost cause. But she's persistent.
"If you'd just done your damn job and protected him like you were supposed to," Mikasa snarls at him, "we wouldn't be having this conversation!"
Every vein inside your body turns to ice. She's not wrong, she should just be directing her anger elsewhere. If you weren't pressed for time, you'd confess to her that you were the one who failed to protect Eren, not Levi.
He doesn't correct her. Instead, his eyes flash, and he faces her, looking the most terrifying you've ever seen him. You know that he's building up to fight, because you can feel the bloodlust rising inside you as well, feeding off his thirst. "Oh, I see now. Your childhood friend, right? Suddenly it's all making sense."
You're not sure what he's implying (surely Levi wouldn't take the time in this urgent situation to goad Mikasa about having a crush of all things), but from the way she reacts, she clearly knows what he means. For people who have barely interacted, the two certainly seem to understand each other.
You get the feeling it's not something you're meant to get.
"Right. For the sake of argument, let's narrow our goals. First, we forget about taking her down."
A given. Because you can't, and that much is painfully clear.
"We'll handle all the cutting," Levi says. You assume a battle stance, focused on the Female Titan's back. "You find a way to distract her."
"Be careful, Mikasa," you order because he doesn't. "Keep your distance." Like they should have.
No. Fight now. Regrets later. Not never, but later.
Your cape billows behind you, not weighing you down but acting at the very symbol that's drawn so intricately onto it. Your wings. She won't crush them, not before you find out who she is.
Levi doesn't say anything. He doesn't look at you. You don't look at him either, zeroed in on the target as Mikasa flies down in front of her. Still, you know what he's about to do.
Call it intuition, or experience. All you know is that fighting by Levi's side has been the most natural thing you've ever picked up in your entire life.
It'll happen in the blink of an eye. You know she's watching you.
Slowly, you breathe.
The Female Titan stops, Levi's muscles tense, and you drop out of the air right as she lands her first punch.
And as he takes out her eyes, you rip into the heels of her feet and then move out of the way.
Levi's speed never ceases to amaze you. Cleverly, he leaves his blades into her eyes, before beginning his assault. It's all you can do to stay out of his trajectory, digging into her skin where you can. Taking out her legs was all you really had to do, you knew that Levi planned to take care of the rest. All he needs from you is your trust and your fluidity to keep yourself from getting hurt. This is Levi in his element.
"Don't do it!"
Your heart freezes in your chest.
She didn't get the best of him, you'll fucking murder her if she harmed a single hair on his head—
Your head snaps to the side to see Levi shoving Mikasa out of the way. In a second, his face twists in pain.
"(L/N)!" he barks urgently.
"Yes, sir!"
You jump, baring your sword, firing your cable blindly, relying on instinct. Her mouth approaches, closer and closer, the same mouth that she bit into Eld with—
With a seething growl, you slice her jaw open.
In the next second, Levi's grabbing Eren—he's alive!—and all three of you are putting as much distance between yourselves and the Female Titan as you can.
You don't look back.
There's someone checking you for injuries. You're not hurt. At least, not majorly. There's probably other people who require more attention.
But you don't protest like you normally would. Instead, you focus on the bodies being carried out of the forest and carefully wrapped up in white sheets that quickly become splotched with blood.
And you despise yourself for the relief you feel that you're not one of those bodies.
Petra wasn't so lucky. Gunther would go back a corpse. Eld didn't even have his gear, considering you'd stolen it from him. And Oluo...you would live forever knowing that the last thing he realized was that he wasn't able to avenge any of his comrades, and that he'd have to leave it up to you. Somehow, you failed at that too.
You feel like vomiting again, but hold it in. There's no time. Soon everyone has to get back on horseback and head back to Karanes.
Once whoever it is who's checking you is satisfied, you step towards your horse, feeling numb. Why shouldn't you go back into the forest and join the rest of the brave souls in death? Someone has to take the Female Titan down. So why shouldn't you give your life to humanity the way they did?
These are all just thoughts. You're not planning to do something stupid. But God, what fucking right do you have to be standing here, alive and healthy?
Someone grabs your arm. "We depart in five minutes," Levi claims, monotone. You hate that tone of his.
A large part of you wonders how disappointed he is in you. Does he loathe you? He should.
"Find Belle. He probably thinks you're dead."
Your eyes widen and a lump forms in your throat. How could you have forgotten? Meeting his eyes, you open your mouth, but Levi beats you to the question.
"He's alive." There's not a single doubt in his tone. "I asked. Go."
Weakly, you manage another, "Yes, sir," before doing just that.
Ricky sees you the same time you see him, choking on a sob as he envelopes you against his chest. Hot tears drip onto your cheek. You can barely make out what he's saying, but it's some jumble of i thought you were dead and thank god, thank god.
For a reason that you know very well, you can't agree with his sentiment. By all purposes, you shouldn't be here.
"Gunther," Ricky whispers, face wet, "and Petra. They're—they're really—?"
"Gone." No tears. No emotion. Nothing. Something inside you has shut off.
He grips you tighter, and you wish he'd keep going until you lose the ability to breathe.
"Dump the bodies."
"B-but, sir!"
"Do you know how many corpses we've left behind? These aren't special. Dump them. Consider it their last service to the cause."
The two soldiers in the cart are desolate at Levi's harsh words. It doesn't seem fair. Those are the bodies of your fallen comrades. Your squad. Your friends.
"Lieutenant! Please, tell him!"
Pleading eyes fall to you, harrowed, in tears, in need of assurance and kindness. Cruelly, you spit out your own version of it.
"Do you lack the capability to follow basic orders? He told you to dump the bodies. So dump the goddamn bodies."
Let no one say, you think, as Petra's hair ruffles through the wind and her back lands with a resounding smack onto the cold, rough ground, that Captain Levi's lieutenant isn't just as cold as he is, if not more.
Life isn't fair.
No one's words bother you. They never have.
If you'd never been a Scout, you would probably be somewhere out in the crowd, agreeing with their sentiment. Eventually it all comes down to perspective. So even when someone breaks out of the crowd to hurl insults directly to your side, you simply ride on, eyes trained downwards or in front of you where Levi was riding in, wearing a perfect poker face just as well as you are.
And just a few paces in front of him, Commander Erwin Smith.
How much of today had he predicted and willingly kept from you? How much does he loathe himself? Was it even close to the amount of hatred you felt towards both you and him at this moment?
You'll never confront him, but you'll remember. Just like you've remembered in the past.
"Excuse me, Captain Levi!"
The voice that calls to him is friendly, but for some reason it sends chills down your back. You know that voice. Who is that?
"Good evening. I—uh, yes, I'm Petra's father, sir. Might I lend your ear before she sees us?"
If there were any cracks in your heart left to shatter, they do now. You pray that he doesn't spot you. You pray that you don't have to tell him. You pray that she comes back to life so that he never learns the truth.
She was supposed to meet him. She was going to bring you along with her, in fact. But had you extended the same courtesy? No, you'd agreed to let her roll off into a hellish, disgusting abyss—
No no no, you'd had no choice.
Well, you could have just died. There was always that choice.
"Now, I know that fathers can have trouble letting go," Mr. Ral says, softening slightly. You'd known Petra was devoted, so you tell yourself this is nothing new, and you grip the reins tight. "But still, I can't help but feel she's far too young to be thinking about marriage. She has so much yet to experience before settling down!"
You freeze. You can't have heard that right. Petra...Petra mentioned marriage when talking about the captain to her father? She'd mentioned that in her letter…?
The letter in which she'd admitted to writing about someone she liked.
Oh.
You're given no chance to process the information before your own title is invoked. "Lieutenant! It's so good to see you again! I was just going to tell Petra to bring you along when she visited, my wife and I both enjoyed your stories so much last time! Where is she, by the way?"
Fingers trembling, you don't meet his eyes. How does he not see what's happening? Surely no one can lie to themselves to this extent. Squads always ride in together. No one lags behind for the hell of it. Surely you don't have to say it.
I killed your daughter. I gave the order for her to attack. I sent her straight to her grave. And I don't even have a body for you to mourn.
"Lieutenant?" Mr. Ral tries again. "Where is Petra?" From his tone, you realize that he's figured it out. He's just trying to kid himself.
Agonizingly, you look at him. "I'm sorry, but..." you begin to say frantically, and you watch his face crumple.
Tonight is all you have. Tomorrow will be chaotic. You're not sure what exactly the Military Police plan to do besides seizing control of Eren, but you do know that it'll be something that everyone will be expected to fight tooth and nail, lay down your lives and all that shit. Before you can do that, you're pretty sure you have to physically lie down before you collapse.
There's been so many times today that you've told yourself to reel it in, to control yourself. That control is snapping.
But before you can rest, before you can do anything, you owe one person one more thing.
As soon as you've made sure all the horses are accounted for, you slowly, steadily make your way through the stables. Images of a different time, an easier time, when you'd found a certain lieutenant by these stables and gone on a horseback ride then. You thought you'd needed comfort then. It's nothing compared to now. Comfort is the least of your concern. It feels like...like…
Like there's nothing left.
Levi's still standing by his horse, stroking his fur, away from all prying eyes. Your eyes feel misty. It's just the two of you here, alone, because everyone else...well, they're fucking dead.
He turns to you, having sensed you nearby despite the lack of noise you'd made. And finally, finally, you see the grief in his expression. The deep-rooted sadness. The weariness.
"Sir." One fist goes to your back, the other to your chest. "I am so sorry. I'm so sorry for failing you."
"Don't," he hisses. A while ago, the two of you had come to an agreement of sorts to never spend the night together right after an expedition. You'd been the one to propose that rule. A part of it was to ensure that you'd never become reliant on each other for comfort, but another part of you felt that it wasn't at all right for you to spend the night in his arms when others were spending it in a titan's stomach. Still, you know that Levi hardly meant for that to mean that you instead apologize to him like this.
Apology seems like too weak a word. You want to beg for his forgiveness.
You let him down.
You let the squad die.
You have to do this. You have to ask him to forgive you, you have to show him that you're still as dedicated as you were before, that you don't plan to leave his side. That this mistake doesn't mean your soul isn't still his to bend and twist as he needs.
Kneeling down on one knee, you bow your head, keeping your hands where they are, over your heart, which belongs to him.
"I'm sorry, sir," you breathe again, "I'm sorry that I didn't do a better job. Please forgive me."
Levi's hand reaches out to grip your collar, and he's furious, angry with you in a way he's never been before. "Cut this shit out, (L/N), I swear to God."
With a grunt, he attempts to fall to his knees besides you, but his injury makes it impossible. All he manages to do is lean on you, clutching onto your collar tightly, left with no choice but to watch you kneel in front of him.
"Get up," he growls. You don't. "Get up, that's a fucking order. Don't fucking bow to me."
Out of respect, you stay like that for four more seconds before standing. Enraged, with pupils blown wide and face morphed into a snarl, Levi fists your collar in his hand and shoves you back roughly. Desperately, you try to recall the days you'd at least snap at him for daring to do such a thing.
He looks betrayed, and that's exactly what you'd feared.
"Hit the showers, and then go to bed. I expect you to meet me in the Mess Hall tomorrow morning. Understood? Understood?" he asks again, when you don't respond fast enough the first time.
"Understood," you agree softly, not sure what else to say.
"Good." Tearing that betrayed look from your face, he stalks out of the stables, leaving you cold and alone.
The walk to the showers seems like it takes forever. The walk to the barracks takes twice as long.
Petra's bed faces you. She'd pushed it next to the wall because she had a tendency to roll and was always scared that she'd fall off. And it's still there, exactly how you two left it. Nothing about her bed looks out of the ordinary. Except for the lack of her on top of it.
You're exhausted. You're so exhausted. Everything aches and you want to sleep. So you sit down on her bed, feeling weary.
Petra had liked Levi. You wonder if it would have affected your relationship with her if you'd known that before. But now you'd never know. You'd robbed her of the chance to tell him. You'd robbed her of everything. To an outsider, this would even come off as something you did out of insane jealousy.
Taking her pillow, you hug it to your chest. You'd loved her. You'd loved all of them.
You can't take any more of this.
Touching your eyes, you recoil to find them completely dry. Still no tears, even in the privacy of your own room. Do you not miss them? How can you not cry when it feels like the world has stopped spinning? Do you not care?
Fuck, what's wrong with you?
Maybe you've been right all along. Maybe you really are too selfish for this line of work. That must be the reason you don't grieve for your comrades. What can you possibly do to atone for such a thing?
"M'sorry," you mumble into her pillow brokenly, "m'sorry I couldn't save you."
Despite the exhaustion, you don't get much sleep that night.