Horace had messed up. No matter how hard he tried it felt like everything he did just made things worse. He'd just been trying to protect Varian and keep him safe, even from himself, but all he ended up doing was stabbing the kid in the back and hurting him all over again. To make matters worse he had pulled Adira into it.
She had become Varian's one source of relief, a reminder of home and an assurance that they really were returning to the Dark Kingdom. Now Varian was afraid to trust Adira. He couldn't even turn to Ruddiger or Lance for comfort, because the whole thing with Zhan Tiri was too risky.
They were travelling in a group, but Varian was all alone, and Horace knew that it was all his fault. He couldn't do anything but watch anxiously as Varian isolated himself from the others. He would lock himself in the carriage. Varian claimed that he was studying Demanitus' journals, and maybe he was spending some time doing that, but Horace didn't think that even Varian could spend more than twelve hours at a time by himself to read some old books.
Horace knew he had jumped where he shouldn't have. He didn't know what had gotten into him. While Horace had been taught to be cautious and aware of any potential danger, his father had also taught him to be careful and actually think things through before he did something he would regret.
Horace was concerned about Varian closing in on himself, and yet he found himself doing the same thing. Horace didn't share more than just a few necessary conversations with Adira every day. He still talked to Rapunzel about everything and absolutely nothing at all, but it lacked the personal touch that it had before. Horace felt like they were both being just a little too cautious, like they were back to being strangers that didn't really know each other, but wanted to.
Horace felt like he was on the outside looking in. Outside of where and looking in on what, he couldn't really say, but that was how he felt. It was similar to how he'd felt in the Dark Kingdom when he was desperate to leave, except this feeling was worse. Back then at least he'd known just where the feeling was coming from, and he had an idea of how to make it go away.
The feeling was worse this time, and not just because he didn't understand exactly what he was feeling. He also felt really guilty. He seemed to ruin everything that he touched, and it made Horace feel like he should just stop trying. Between his guilt and the dark numb dread he felt when he thought about what had happened and what he would deal with in the future, Horace sometimes felt like it wasn't worth it to even get out of bed.
If Horace didn't sleep on a sleeping mat, and if it wasn't completely necessary that he get up as they packed up camp, he probably would sleep the day away. As it was, Horace just found himself going through the motions, wandering around, following the others' leads.
This went on for a few weeks, give or take a few days. Honestly, it was hard to keep track of the passing days. Everything just blurred together.
Horace could tell that Rapunzel was growing concerned about him, but she didn't say anything about it. She just gave him concerned looks and said that she was there for him, if he ever wanted to talk. This went on until Rapunzel finally sat him down, a determined expression on her face.
"Eugene, I'm worried about you." Rapunzel said plainly.
"I'm fine." Horace said. It wasn't entirely true, but he didn't want Rapunzel to be worried about him. Varian deserved her sympathy much more than Horace did.
"No, you're not." Rapunzel insisted. She took his hand. "Eugene, you…you're lost. You're depressed."
"What? No I'm not." Horace said. Depression was for people who had melancholia, and Horace didn't think that applied to him. He was just complaining about nothing, or making general terrible situations about him when he should be focusing on somebody else. Horace didn't know why Rapunzel, and previously Lance, thought that he had depression or melancholia.
"Eugene, listen to me." Rapunzel took his hands. "You're upset all the time, you have no energy. I've known you for a while, and you've always been full of life and excitement, and it's slowly going away. You're pulling away from everybody."
Horace fidgeted uncomfortably. "I'm not trying to act out because I want attention." Frequently when he was younger and got into this kind of mood his father, with as much sympathy as he could muster, would tell him off for being lazy or defiant just because he didn't like something. Horace had thought he had grown out of it, but apparently not.
Rapunzel's eyes widened. "I know you're not. Eugene, I would never even think that you were doing this just for attention." Rapunzel's eyes were shining with tears. She sighed. "You know, when I was younger there would be a lot of days where I would get like this too. I just felt so discouraged and small, and didn't see the point of doing anything, so I started to do nothing."
Rapunzel gave a short, uncomfortable laugh as she shook her head. "Mother…Gothel would always get furious. She would yell at me for being selfish, and lazy, and it took me a long time to even admit to myself that she wasn't right."
Rapunzel rubbed the back of Horace's hand. "Even if you're not depressed, you're not okay either."
"Well, there's not much I can do about it." Horace said. He'd been trying for years to figure out how to push past this head space.
"Please don't take this as me trying to make this about me." Rapunzel said. "But do you want to know how I tried to get over this kind of thing?"
"Please." Horace said. He would take any help he could take.
"Well, I kept myself busy." Rapunzel said. "I painted, and read, and did anything I could to distract myself to get my mind off of all the hopelessness I was feeling. It didn't always help, but it sometimes did. I thought maybe you could try something like that."
Horace thought about it for a second. It wasn't a half bad idea. The few times that he was able to get out of his own head was when Varian was successfully able to distract him, either with training or with his experiments.
"It's a little hard to start a new hobby out here." Horace said.
"It doesn't have to be a hobby." Rapunzel said. "I think you just need something to get your mind off things. We're close to a town and need some supplies anyway. Why don't you take the day off? Relax, do some window shopping, or actual shopping. Just have fun."
Horace grimaced. "I don't know. Is it actually smart to just push things aside and pretend that it's all fine?"
"You're not pretending that things are fine." Rapunzel said. "But just because things aren't fine doesn't mean that you deserve to beat yourself up about it."
Horace wanted to disagree, he just didn't know if he was disagreeing specifically about going into town, or if it was about disagreeing about deserving this. Horace definitely thought that he deserved whatever pain he was putting himself through. Before he could say anything though he heard a familiar voice.
"Um, a-are you going into town?" Varian asked uncertainly. Horace froze and turned to face the boy, who was clutching tightly at one of those books of his. This was the first time that Horace had heard a word from Varian since the incident with Ruddiger a few weeks ago. Sometimes he would hear Varian sobbing in the carriage, but no actual words were spoken that Horace could hear, and from what the others had said they'd had a similar experience.
"I, uh, I was thinking about it." Horace said. He tried to keep his tone calmer than he felt. He didn't want to make a big deal about this and scare Varian off. "Did you want me to pick something up for you?"
Varian tapped his fingers against the book and thought quietly to himself for a long moment before he swallowed thickly and nodded. "Yeah, I mean, no." Varian took a deep breath. "I want to find something, and I think there might be one in this town, but I want to pick it up myself. Can…can I come with you?"
Horace couldn't believe his ears. Varian must really badly want whatever this thing was. Even after all this time the kid avoided people as much as he could, so for him to want to go into town at all meant that it had to be for something important. And that wasn't even considering that Varian was willing to tolerate Horace's presence to pick up whatever he was looking for.
Horace would normally jump at the chance to spend a little time with Varian, but he didn't think it would be fair right now. Varian had been doing his best to avoid Horace and everybody else. It would be hard for Varian to go into town at all, and Horace didn't want to make it even worse for him by being right there.
"I don't have to go into town." Horace quickly assured Varian. "You can take care of whatever you need to. I can find something else to do."
No, please, I don't want to go alone." Varian said almost desperately. Horace felt a pang in his chest. Was Varian really more afraid of potential strangers than he was of Horace?
"If you don't want to go alone maybe…maybe Lance can go with you." Horace said. Rapunzel and Varian both stared at him in shock. Horace knew that Varian had been isolated from Lance for a bit, since the man was busy keeping an eye on Ruddiger. Horace still didn't think it was safe for Varian to be near Ruddiger, but there was a way around that.
"Rapunzel can watch Ruddiger for a few hours." Horace said. He looked at Rapunzel. "That is, if you don't mind." Rapunzel looked shocked for a long moment before she smiled.
"Of course I don't mind." Rapunzel said.
Varian looked conflicted for a long moment. He actually looked pained as he thought about it. Finally Varian sighed. If Horace didn't know any better he would think that Varian was feeling guilty about something.
"I-I appreciate it, really I do, but I want to go with you." Varian said. "Please."
Horace didn't know where this was coming from, but he wasn't going to look a gift horse in the mouth.
"I…yeah, yeah, sure." Horace said. "We can go together."
Varian gave him a very small relieved smile. "Thanks." Varian took a step towards him. "Let's go."
"Wait, now?" Horace frowned.
"Why not?" Varian asked. He was in a hurry. Everything was happening so fast. Horace was having a hard time keeping up with it.
Rapunzel gave Horace an encouraging push. "You two go on. I'll tell the others where you went. You guys have fun."
Considering how urgent and anxious Varian seemed, Horace didn't think that having fun would be easily achieved. He would consider it a successful trip if they were able to get the thing that Varian was looking for, they didn't get kicked out of town, and if Horace didn't betray the kid's trust for the hundredth time.
As they walked towards town Varian opened that book of his and stared intently at one of the pages. Horace could tell that his eyes weren't moving, so he wasn't reading, he was just looking.
"So, uh, what are you looking at?" Horace asked. Varian jumped, like he forgot that Horace was there at all, which was odd considering he'd insisted on Horace accompanying him.
"It's, uh, something that I found in Demanitus' journals." Varian said quietly. He clutched the book so tightly that Horace could see his fingers pale. The kid hesitated for a minute before he turned the book for Horace to see for himself. On one of the pages there was a lot of writing and notes in a language that he couldn't understand. The other page was filled with a drawing of what looked like a basic stick pulled from any old tree, except there was a jewel towards the base.
"Is that a wand?" Horace asked. "Like a magic wand?"
"I'm not so sure about the magic part." Varian said in that familiar tone of his when he refused to admit that there was magic involved. He knew that magic existed, of course, but he didn't like to have anything to do with it. "It's a Saporian artifact of sorts. If I've translated these writings correctly, and I think I have, then this wand should be able to…well, I'm really interested in what this wand can do."
Horace knew that Varian was hiding something, but he didn't want to push him into expanding on it. Maybe Varian was just embarrassed about actively looking for a magic wand, or whatever this thing was.
Varian cleared his throat. "Anyway, It was commonly used in Saporia before the kingdom merged with Corona. I think this town used to be part of Saporian territory, so if I'm going to have any luck in finding the wand it'll be here."
When they reached the town Horace was relieved to see that the town was small. Hopefully this would go better than the last few times they had visited a town together.
As soon as they entered the town Varian glued himself to Horace's side, just like before. If it wasn't for the guilt in his stomach Horace could almost pretend that things were back to the way they were before they'd reached the Great Tree.
"Alright, take the lead." Horace said. "I'm just along for the ride." Varian nodded and looked around for a moment before he stepped into what looked like an apothecary. Varian barely hesitated for a moment before he shyly approached the front counter.
"E-excuse me," Varian said to the worker. "I'm…I'm looking for something. Can you help?"
"Well, I can certainly try." The lady said. She set down her book. "What are you looking for?"
Varian set his book on the counter, showing off the drawing. "I'm looking for one of these wands."
The woman looked at the drawing with a small frown. "Do you know what this does?"
"Pretty sure." Varian nodded. "I did my research."
The woman didn't look completely satisfied with that answer, but she didn't send them on their way either. She put her hand on the drawing before she sighed.
"We don't have anything like that here." The woman said. "But the man that owns the library is an expert on all things Saporian. He may know where you can find something like this."
Varian didn't look discouraged. He just smiled, excited to have a lead. "Thank you." They left the apothecary and immediately made their way to the library. The librarian was a little less cooperative than the apothecary keeper was. As soon as Varian said that he was looking for the wand the librarian began to almost interrogate him.
The librarian wanted to know where Varian had found this book, why he wanted the wand, and what he planned on doing with it. The librarian was unconvinced that Varian just wanted the wand for research purposes. Horace could tell that the man was getting suspicious and concerned, for some reason, and Varian was getting frustrated. Horace remembered his town visits with Varian well enough to know that the kid getting frustrated and overwhelmed would just end in trouble.
"Here, let me try." Horace said. "I'm starting to get a little hungry. Why don't you see if you can find somewhere for us to eat? Varian groaned in frustration as he shoved the book in Horace's hands. Varian stormed out, stomping as he went. Horace couldn't help but take comfort from the immature behavior. It wasn't very often that Varian allowed himself to act like a kid.
Once Varian was outside Horace turned back to the librarian. "Sorry about my friend. He'd been having a really hard time lately. Looking for this wand is the first time I've seen him get excited about anything these past few weeks. This thing is really important to him."
The librarian sighed. "I'm sorry, but if the boy is as upset as you say he is, it's even more important that I don't help him get the wand. It's too dangerous."
"He won't use it on anybody." Horace said. He was mostly confident about this. "Varian doesn't like magic. He's a scientist at heart. I think he just wants to study the wand, see if there's any alchemical potential in it or something. I mean, the only reason he knows about the wand is because of that book of his. That book was written by an alchemist that he really looks up to. I'm sure he just wants the wand for some more research."
The librarian stared at Horace for a long moment, studying him. Finally he grabbed a stray piece of paper and began to write something down on it.
"If there are any wands of oblivium remaining in this town, Reginald will have them. He's a magic enthusiast if I ever saw one, but he's always willing to sell his finds for the right price." The librarian offered out the piece of paper to Horace. He happily took it, but the librarian didn't immediately let go.
"You can have these directions under the condition that you make certain that the boy doesn't use the wand on himself or anybody else." The librarian said.
"Yeah, of course." Horace agreed. He had no intention of letting Varian use strange magic, let alone on himself or anybody else. He was sure that he wouldn't have to intervene though. Varian wasn't a wizard. He was probably just trying to learn as much as he could about Demanitus and anything he had written about.
The librarian nodded and allowed Horace to take the paper. Horace smiled and nodded his thanks as he looked at the paper. It contained an address, as well as some basic instructions about what to say to increase their chances of getting this Reginald to give them what they wanted.
Horace went outside with a small skip in his step. He had finally done something good for Varian. He wasn't exactly trying to get on Varian's good side anymore, but the kid deserved something good in his life, even if it was something as simple as a wand.
Varian was waiting outside for him. Horace smirked proudly and held up the paper. Varian giggled excitedly. He snatched the paper and read it, looking increasingly more excited. He must be really excited to study this wand.
"You did it." Varian said breathlessly. He beamed at Horace, looking at him in a way like he hadn't done since they had left home. "Horace, you did it!"
"Well, I got us one step closer." Horace said. "We've still got to talk to Reginald."
"Let's go!" Varian said impatiently. He grabbed Horace's arm and tried to pull him along.
"Hang on." Horace said. "I wasn't kidding when I said I was hungry. We'll see Reginald, but there's no reason why we have to do so on an empty stomach."
Varian pouted and groaned. "Come on, Horace, please? This is important."
"So is food." Horace said. "Have you even eaten anything today?" Varian's pout deepened, which was enough of an answer for Horace. "Well get you that wand, but just humor me first, okay? Consider it a thanks for getting through to that librarian."
Varian sighed. "Fine. But we're finding Reginald as soon as we're done."
"Deal." Horace said. He led the way to a small café. Horace knew from past experience that trying to get Varian's opinion about what he wanted to eat was like pulling teeth. Knowing the kid was impatient, Horace just ordered the very first thing that he saw for sale. It ended up being a sweet breakfast pastry that wasn't really the typical type of thing one would eat for lunch, but it would have to do.
When their pastries came Varian nibbled on his. He barely seemed to be paying attention to the flavor. Varian just quietly ate. For somebody who was in such a hurry he was eating slowly through his food.
"Hey, are you okay?" Horace asked. Varian hummed, distracted. He didn't respond. Horace frowned and put a hand on Varian's shoulder. The boy jumped. He'd once again forgotten about Horace's presence.
"Huh?" Varian blinked.
"What's going through that big head of yours?" Horace asked.
"I don't know." Varian said. "I'm just…I don't know." Varian looked up at Horace. There was a look in his eyes that made Horace feel a little uncomfortable. "D-do you ever wish that you can go back to the way that things were before?"
Horace sighed. "All the time. I try to not think about it too much though. I'm trying to make the future better instead of thinking about things I can't change."
Varian's face fell. "But what if you don't know how to make things better? What if no matter how hard you try everything just keeps getting worse?"
Horace sighed. He understood all too well what Varian was saying Horace had been feeling that way more often than not these past few weeks, or even months. "You just keep trying, I guess."
Varian was quiet for a minute as he fiddled with his pastry. He didn't seem interested in eating it. "I-is it bad that I don't really want to keep going sometimes?"
Horace was terrified. "What do you mean? Kid, if you're talking about hurting yourself or something…"
"No, no, nothing like that." Varian said. Horace felt a rush of relief. "I just…I don't know if I want to go forward anymore. I just want to go back. I want to not have to worry about Ruddiger being possessed by a demon because of me. I want to not feel a dark emptiness every single time I look at you. I-I want to be friends again." Varian looked like he was about to start crying, and the kid wasn't easily brought to tears. "I want to be able to trust you, but I don't know how anymore."
"Varian," Horace's heart hurt for the kid. He wanted all those things for Varian too. The kid deserved to not be hurt like this. "If I knew how to take away all this pain, I would do it in a heartbeat, but we can't go back to the way things were before. We have to move on."
Varian whimpered and blinked his eyes rapidly to try to keep his tears from falling. "Y-yeah." Varian held the pastry out to Horace. "I-I'm not hungry. I'm going to go find Reginald. I'll catch up with you later."
Horace reluctantly took the pastry. "Do you want me to go with you?"
Varian shook his head. "No…no, I can do this by myself. It shouldn't take long. I'll be back soon." Varian walked away, and Horace felt the pit in his stomach grow bigger with every step the kid took. He had a bad feeling about this. Horace's instincts told him to go after the kid and pull him back before he did something terrible, but he held back.
Horace had no reason to think that Varian was doing anything wrong. As far as Horace knew, Varian was just trying to find an alchemy project to throw himself into to distract himself. Horace didn't want to act on his instincts, because last time he'd done that he had come far too close to killing Ruddiger and completely breaking Varian.
Horace knew that Varian was a really capable teenager. He knew how to take care of himself. Horace just had to trust that he knew what he was doing and he'd be okay. Horace could keep an eye out for him from a distance, giving Varian the privacy that he probably desperately needed right now.
Horace was only waiting for ten or so minutes before he saw Varian making his way back towards him. The kid was holding that book of his in one hand, and in his other hand he was holding that wand he'd been looking for. Varian still looked upset, and there were tear tracks down his cheeks, but he also looked like a massive weight had been lifted off his shoulders.
"I guess you found what you were looking for?" Horace gave Varian a reassuring smile. The kid returned his smile with one of his own.
"Y-yeah, I think I did." Varian said. He hesitated for a moment before he stepped closer to Horace and leaned against him. Horace stood frozen for a long moment before he slowly wrapped his arms around Varian's shoulders, pulling him close. He seemed to read the kid's body language right, because Varian sighed contently and seemed to relax against him.
"Are you okay, kid?" Horace asked.
"I will be." Varian said. "T-thanks for helping me. You have no idea how much it means to me."
Horace felt like he was missing something. Was this magic wand really so important to Varian? Or was this not about the wand at all, and more about the way that Horace had helped Varian, even if he didn't understand why. Had this just been a test of sorts, or did the wand actually mean something important to Varian?
"I-I think I'll have the rest of that pastry now." Varian said. Horace let Varian go and happily gave him his food. He told himself he was just worrying about nothing. If Varian had his appetite back, that had to be a good thing.
Varian ate his pastry in larger bites than before. In just a minute he was done. Varian kept on looking at the wand and smiling broadly. Varian almost looked like his old self, before this whole mess had happened. It was thrilling to see, and made Horace feel like there was a light shining through the darkness that he'd been wallowing in lately.
"You look like you can't wait to study that wand." Horace said. Varian smiled at him.
"Something like that." Varian said. "C-can we go back to the carriage now?"
"Yeah, of course." Horace said. He wasn't about to force Varian to be in town for any longer than he felt comfortable with. They may not have been here for very long, but Horace was feeling pretty good about how things had gone.
When they returned to the camp Varian immediately locked himself in the carriage, just like before. Horace tried not to be too disheartened about it. Varian was in a good mood. He probably just wanted some peace and quiet so he could really study that wand of his. Horace stood to the side of the carriage, wanting to give Varian privacy, but not quite ready to leave the kid's side.
Horace could have only stood there for a minute or so before there was a bright flash from inside the carriage, quickly followed by a small thump. Horace frowned, his protective nature coming out. He leaned against the carriage and knocked on the door.
"Hey, kid, you okay in there?" Horace asked. There wasn't an answer. "Can you just let me know that you're okay?" Nothing. Horace frowned and slowly opened the door. He swore he would leave the kid alone, but he just had to make sure that he wasn't hurt or something. Horace glanced inside and felt his insides freeze.
"Varian?!" The kid was slumped on the ground, unconscious. He was still holding the wand in his hand. Horace climbed into the carriage and gathered Varian into his arms. "Kid, kid, come on, wake up." What had happened? Horace wished he knew, but satisfying his curiosity was far from his priority right now.
This wasn't the first time that Horace had found Varian knocked out from one of his experiments. Maybe he'd just gotten a paper cut and fainted at the sight of blood. It wouldn't explain the flash of light, but that mystery wasn't anywhere near as important as making sure that Varian was okay.
Horace barely had time to wonder if he should bring Varian to Adira for help before he felt the kid stirring. Varian groaned and his eyes fluttered as he slowly regained consciousness.
"H-Horace?" Varian looked at him with unfocused eyes. "W-what happened?"
"I was hoping you could tell me." Horace said. He helped Varian to sit up. "What were you doing in here?"
"I-I don't know." Varian looked around. He eyed the inside of the carriage with cautious confusion. He even seemed curious about the books scattered around. Horace didn't like the unfocused confusion in Varian's eyes. Maybe he had hit his head when he'd fallen.
"Come on," Horace got up, leading Varian out of the carriage. "Let's get you some fresh air."
Varian cooperated, but his confusion only increased when they were outside of the carriage.
"Where are we?"
"Adira says we're just a few weeks from the Great Tree." Horace said with a smile. They were almost there. Horace thought that Varian would find comfort from his words, but his eyes just widened in alarm.
"A few weeks?" Varian said. "B-but that doesn't make sense."
Horace's smile fell away. Something was wrong. "Why not?"
Varian gave Horace an annoyed look, like he thought that he was being oblivious about something very obvious. Varian opened his mouth to answer, but he suddenly froze up, scowling dangerously. Varian was looking at something over Horace's shoulder. He turned to look but all he could see was Rapunzel. Horace had thought that Varian had stopped being afraid of Rapunzel, for the most part. What was the scowl for?
"Hey, guys." Rapunzel said cheerfully. She stepped towards them. Varian growled and ducked behind Horace while, at the same time, pulling him back protectively. Horace was reminded of the way that Varian had been when they had first left home, when he'd been afraid of every stranger they passed along the way.
Rapunzel, seeing Varian's unease, stopped in her tracks. She gave Varian a concerned look. "Is everything okay?"
"Who are you?" Varian said suspiciously. Rapunzel and Horace both gave him odd looks. Was Varian just playing games? But no, the suspicion and fear in Varian's eyes were real.
"Varian, it's just Rapunzel." Horace said gently. "She's our friend."
Varian clung tightly to Horace. "Since when? I've never seen her before in my life." Horace felt his blood turn cold. Oh, this wasn't okay. This wasn't okay at all.
"Rapunzel, Sunshine, can you go find Adira for me?" Horace asked. "A-and Lance." Something was seriously wrong here, and it was more than Horace could deal with by himself.
Rapunzel gave Varian an alarmed look. She nodded and ran off, leaving Horace alone with Varian. The kid was looking at Horace with wide eyes.
"Horace?" Varian said quietly. He sounded so small. "What…what's going on?"
"I don't know." Horace admitted. "But we're going to figure it out. I-I promise."
Varian nodded, not seeming at all bothered by Horace's use of the word promise. He should be relieved that the kid wasn't triggered by a well-meaning oath, but he was just terrified.
Varian didn't seem traumatized anymore, but Horace was scared that was only because he didn't remember his trauma at all. Horace prayed to the sun and moon that he was wrong, but he had the terrible feeling that Varian had lost his memory.
Horace had thought that he would give anything for Varian to no longer be hurt and traumatized, but this was not worth it.