It was strange. Horace had been away from home for so long, and so much had changed in that period of time, but at the same time there were a lot of things that surprisingly remained the same. Horace was fine with change, and also with tradition, but what he wasn't so fond of was what exactly stayed and what had changed forever.
Horace would love for his relationship with Varian to go back to the way it was before, when they were as thick as thieves. Varian had been his brother, and they couldn't possibly be closer. Things had changed, and Horace had nobody to blame but himself. He'd hurt Varian, and now he was dealing with the consequences.
Horace felt like he was being taunted by Varian's memory loss. The kid was acting just like he did before. This was the perfect opportunity for Horace to have his brother back, even if it couldn't last, but he couldn't do it. Varian was so mad at Horace, and he had every right to be. Horace had hurt him, and he couldn't just pretend that he hadn't. He couldn't bring himself to take advantage of Varian's memory loss like that. It wouldn't be right.
Horace tried not to let Varian know how he was feeling. The poor kid had been through so much, and his mind was finally at ease for the first time in a year and a half. Varian's obliviousness was all just a lie, but he seemed so at peace, and Horace didn't want to ruin that for him until they were able to get him his memories back.
While Horace struggled to cope with all the ways that his relationship with Varian had changed, he was just as, if not more, bothered by the way that things with the others felt just like they did back home. Horace was feeling the suffocating pressure that came with everybody watching his every move and expecting the worst of him.
In the Dark Kingdom Horace couldn't go for an innocent stroll around the castle without the Brotherhood watching him with suspicious eyes, waiting for him to wander just a little too far. He understood why they were suspicious of him, after all the times he'd tried to run away, but it still hurt that his family didn't trust him.
Now Horace was being given those same looks again. Lance, Adira, even Rapunzel, watched him carefully whenever he so much as said 'hello' to Varian. Once again, Horace understood why. He'd hurt Varian, and he didn't really trust himself around the kid, but just because he kept on accidentally hurting Varian that didn't mean that he would intentionally erase his memories.
Lance was protective of Varian, and he didn't know Horace that well, so while his assumptions were annoying they were understandable. Adira though, she'd known Horace his whole life. She should know how much he cared about Varian, and that while he could be reckless he rarely acted with malicious intent. Adira should know better than almost anybody that Horace wouldn't hurt Varian like this, but she was seriously considering Lance's theory. She actually thought that Horace was capable of doing this, and that hurt.
Adira was a suspicious person by nature though, and she was just as protective of Varian as Horace was. She also had the tendency to prepare for the worst case scenario, so that she wouldn't be caught off guard, so though it was painful Horace could understand it.
But Rapunzel, Horace's girlfriend (even if they were taking a bit of a break at the moment), his sunshine, his solnechnyy svet, the person that almost literally brought light into his life and brightened his every day, thought that Lance's accusation was right. Rapunzel tried to be understanding, but Horace knew that she didn't quite take him at his word, and he couldn't bear to listen to her sympathetically say that she knew that he did something regrettable because he was scared and hurting.
Horace normally loved Rapunzel's sympathy and understanding, but it felt a strike through his heart this time. Yes, he was hurt about everything that had happened between him and Varian, and he was scared about what the future held for them, and yes, Horace frequently did things that he regretted, but this memory loss thing wasn't one of them because this wasn't his fault.
…Except that wasn't true, was it? Horace may not have been the one to erase Varian's memory, but that didn't mean that he didn't have blood on his hands…metaphorically speaking. This memory mess was his fault in the sense that he was to blame for all of this disaster, and he was willing to take responsibility for that, but he refused to be blamed for intentionally hurting Varian.
Horace knew he was a terrible person, but he was doing his best, and he wouldn't stoop so low. And yet the people that he thought were on his side, at least a little bit, didn't believe that. The only person who seemed to think that Horace was a decent person right now was Varian, and he only thought that because he'd lost his memory.
Horace was doing his best to get better, but it was getting harder and harder to even continue trying. Part of him wanted to take a page out of Varian's book and erase his memories, except he would take things a step further and erase every single one of his memories until he had no idea who he was, and then he would go off on his own and start all over again. Horace might be able to find somewhere that he could actually get a proper second chance, where people didn't expect the worst of him.
And if he was gone, he wouldn't be able to hurt Varian anymore. The kid would finally be safe from him.
At the same time, Horace also wanted to go home and, for the first time in his life, lock out the world. Just him, his family, and the heavy burden of loneliness that followed him everywhere he went. It would hurt, but not as much as the betrayal that had a firm grip on him.
Horace had started to avoid the others. He would scout ahead while they traveled. He volunteered for the last watch when they stopped to sleep, because he hoped that the others would be far too tired to try to stay up to talk to him.
Not that any of them would talk to Horace, at least not unless they really needed to. He couldn't really blame them. He didn't really feel like talking to any of them either. He already felt like the scum of the earth, he really didn't need a reminder of how bad he was.
Horace heard a loud squawk break through the sounds of nature, cutting through absolutely everything. Horace stopped suddenly where he stood, looking up into the air. If the squawk hadn't been so loud and familiarly annoying he would think that he had imagined the sound, because he knew that sound, but why would it be so far away from the Dark Kingdom?
"Hello?" Horace called out to the trees. He heard the squawk again and suddenly a black feathered streak plummeted from the sky. When Horace was younger he would have felt annoyed or concerned, but today he felt nothing but relief.
"Hamuel." Horace let out a short laugh. He bent down and gently picked up the bird, stroking its feathers. "Boy, are you a sight for sore eyes." He had never thought that he would be so happy to see this stupid, annoying bird. Hamuel cawed and nuzzled against Horace, giving him a sharp nip at his hand. It hurt badly, but Horace didn't hold it against Hamuel. He knew that his father's bird didn't mean to do any harm, he'd just been trying to give an affectionate nibble, but had a difficult time understanding his strength.
There was a note tied tightly to Hamuel's foot. After untying it Horace saw that it wasn't just any old string that tied the note in place. This was his father's necklace, the one that used to belong to his mother. Horace stared at the purple gem for a long moment before he actually opened the note. He immediately recognized his dad's handwriting.
Horace, Varian, or Adira, I hope this letter reaches one of you. Hamuel hasn't had any success in finding any of you for quite some time, but perhaps he'll get lucky this week. If not, I'll just have to write another letter next week.
I've lost track of how many times I've sent Hamuel out, only for him to return with the letter. At this point I have letters piled up in my room. I can't bring myself to get rid of any of them. I wrote these letters for my son, and I intend to keep them until he's had the chance to read them.
Horace felt a sharp pain in his chest. He clutched tightly at the note. He'd avoided thinking too much about his father and how he had hurt him, but it was a little hard to avoid when it was right there in front of him.
Horace took a deep breath. He didn't want to read about how he'd hurt his father, but he didn't want to put the note down either. He could almost hear his dad's voice with every word he read. He hadn't realized how much he'd missed his father.
As I've said in previous letters, all of us have brought the moonstone to the Great Tree. We've been here for a year, since Varian's last birthday. It was the only thing I could think to do to cheer up Quirin and make sure that Hector doesn't overdo things, as he often does.
Horace frowned. Had it actually been a year since Varian's fifteenth birthday? Horace had known that they'd been gone for more than a year, but he thought that it had been a little bit closer to a year and a half. Had it been nearly two years? Horace would have to ask Rapunzel exactly what the date was. She was so good at knowing that kind of thing.
Horace hoped that Varian's sixteenth birthday hadn't already passed. He'd betrayed Varian when he'd turned fourteen, and he hadn't even known where the boy was on his fifteenth birthday. Horace didn't want to do that again.
Please, please, if there was any justice in the world let Varian's birthday be no sooner than a week away. A week, maybe a week and a half at most, was all they needed before they got to the Great Tree. If Horace and Varian's dad's were actually there then their journey would be over sooner than they thought it would be. They wouldn't be back in the Dark Kingdom, but they'd be with their family again. They'd be home.
If it was even remotely possible, Horace wanted to reunite Varian with his dad before his birthday. It would be cruel if Varian turned sixteen just a few days before they got back to the others.
Horace continued reading the letter. His dad mostly just went on and on about every little event that happened in their lives. Horace chuckled as he read. It was very easy to imagine the antics that Hector got up to and dragged the others into. What made it even funnier was that Horace's dad listed everything so seriously and matter-of-factly, like he didn't see the humor of Hector tricking Quirin to wander just a little too close to the hallucinogenic flower in the Great Tree because he thought that he needed to relax more.
Horace, my son, if you're reading this I'm sure you've wondered why I sent Hamuel with your mother's necklace. I've never gotten around to telling you the significance behind the necklace. Your mother's favorite cousin gifted it to her when they were young, and your mother then gave it to me on our one year anniversary.
Your mother told me that this necklace came with a tradition. It's to be passed from person to person, with each receiver eventually gifting the necklace to the individual that means the most to them in their life. Your mother got the necklace from her cousin, and then she gave it to me, and now I gift it to you. I hope that someday you can find somebody to give this necklace to.
I know that Quirin is furious with you, and a part of me is disappointed that you ran off again, but I've come to understand why. The silence and darkness has become absolutely stifling since you and Varian have left. You two brightened the halls, and with you gone the castle has been so much darker. I suppose that's part of the reason why we've stayed at the Great Tree. There's at least the illusion of life here.
I want you home. I know this is probably the last place you want to be, but I hope you'll at least consider coming home, at least temporarily. We can figure things out, find a compromise so you don't feel stuck here and feel that your only chance to escape is by running away. I want you to stay home, but I would much rather see you less often than to never see you again.
I love you Horace, and I hope to see or hear from you soon. If not, then I'll add this letter to the growing pile and I'll write again next week.
"I love you too, dad." Horace closed his eyes and held the note close. He wanted to just sit on the ground and reread the note dozens of times over. If he didn't have something important to do, he would do just that. Horace gave himself just one more minute, holding onto the letter and letting Hamuel caw and nuzzle against him.
Finally Horace took the necklace and tied it around his neck, marveling at the fact that he was apparently the most important person in his dad's life. He knew that he was his son, and parents generally cared a lot about their children, but Horace was having a hard time even considering the possibility that he was anybody's favorite person.
It was a nice and comforting thought, but Horace couldn't shake the cynical voice in his head insisting that he was only his dad's favorite person because his dad didn't know exactly what he had done. If his dad knew the truth he would probably shun him just like everybody else, and it was no less than what Horace deserved.
Hamuel gave a loud squawk right in Horace's ear, making the prince grimace. "Alright, alright, I get it." Horace rubbed his ear, trying to get rid of the slight ringing. "You wanna go see Varian/ Maybe we can write a note for you to get back to my father."
If they weren't so close to the Great Tree, and if he didn't know that the note would only get there a day or two before they did, he would definitely send the note. Horace didn't think they were losing very much if the others didn't find out that they were returning until they arrived.
Yes, sending a note would save Quirin from those extra days of worrying about his son's well-being, but it was just a few days. Horace didn't really want to send Hamuel back. The bird was annoying, and far from his favorite animal, but he was also really friendly and a nice reminder of home.
And even though Horace knew that he didn't deserve to have somebody on his side, he was really lonely and growing increasingly more numb to everything around him. It was frustrating, and kinda terrifying, and Horace was desperate to make it stop. He needed a friend, and right now it seemed like Hamuel was the only one who could sincerely give that to him.
Horace stroked Hamuel's feathers and made his back towards the others. He heard them far sooner than he saw them. There were a lot of excited noises. When the others finally came into view Horace saw Rapunzel bouncing on her heels, and Adira actually looked excited. Something good had obviously happened. At least, that was what Horace thought at first, but then he took a second glance.
Varian was smiling and nodding, and to anybody else he would look like he was genuinely excited, but Horace could see the strain in his eyes. Something was bothering him, and he was doing his best to not let the others know.
"What's going on?" Horace asked. Why had they stopped moving? They weren't scheduled to take a break until nightfall.
"I found it!" Rapunzel said cheerfully. She held out what looked like a normal flower. "It's the last ingredient we need to make the potion to counter the spell. We can get Varian his memories back!"
"Really?" Horace smiled. That really was good news…but then, why would Varian look so bothered?
"It, uh, it's gonna take time to put it together." Varian said. "We're so close to the Great Tree. I don't want to delay any more than we need to."
"It'll just be a few hours." Rapunzel said.
"That's a few hours too long." Varian whined. Horace frowned. Something was wrong with Varian, and it didn't feel right to just leave him to figure things out on his own. Horace had been doing far too much of that lately.
"Hey, Varian, you want to see who I ran into while scouting ahead?" Horace asked, diverging the conversation. He held out his hand. Hamuel cawed and jumped onto his hand. Varian's eyes widened.
"I-is that Hamuel?" Varian sounded happy and excited. That tone of voice was so rare from him these days. "What is he doing here?"
"Delivering a message, I guess." Horace said. He held up the note. "Apparently our dads are at the Great Tree with Hector."
"Really?" Varian beamed. Now he was the one who was bouncing on his heels. "Then we definitely can't stop to make the cure. We have to get there as soon as possible."
"Hold on, Varian." Adira said gently. "How do you think your father will feel if you come home and you don't have your memory?"
Varian's face fell, and Horace wished that Adira hadn't said anything. "He doesn't have to know." Varian said.
"But he will find out." Horace said. "One of us will slip up and say something, and then he'll know the truth. Everything will be easier if you have your memory back before we get there."
Varian almost looked like he was going to start crying. Horace wished that he knew what was going on in that kid's head. How was he supposed to fix things if he didn't know what was wrong?
"B-but." Varian sighed, and then that mask of his slipped onto his face. "Yeah, okay. You're right."
Horace had never hated hearing Varian agree with him more. The kid just sounded so miserable and upset, and it seemed like nobody else but Lance even noticed. Rapunzel and Adira were too excited about Varian getting his memories back. But Varian was the one who was missing his memories. He was the one that they were doing all of this for.
Horace didn't know exactly what to do. Varian didn't seem like he wanted his memory back, but they couldn't just let him live his life oblivious to two very formative years of his life. That was an eighth of his entire existence. They weren't happy memories, but they were important. But if Varian didn't want them…
At first Horace had been just trying to fix the problem, but as the days went by and he had a lot of alone time to think things through he had come to change his mind a little bit. He'd spent so much time doing what he thought was best for Varian, without talking to the kid about what he actually wanted. Varian may not be old enough to be trusted to make all of his own decisions responsibly all the time, but he deserved to have his opinion at least be heard.
Horace needed to talk to Varian about what he wanted to do. First though there was something that he needed to know.
"Hey, Rapunzel, just out of curiosity, what's the date?" Horace asked. Rapunzel, as well as Adira, Lance, and Varian, looked at him in confusion. It took Rapunzel a long moment to recover from her shock and answer. Horace grimaced when he heard the exact date, and he saw Adira and Varian do the same.
"It's…really?!" Varian's voice cracked slightly. Horace could understand his shock. It was one thing to be told that they'd been away from home for a lot longer than he thought they'd been, and another to learn that they were just three days away from one's birthday, and the anniversary of their departure from home.
Horace looked at Adira. "Please tell me we're close enough to the Great Tree that we can make it there in three days if we hurry." Why did it have to be so close to Varian's birthday? Why couldn't they have traveled just a little bit faster?
Adira shook her head before Horace even finished the question. "Even if we travel without rest we won't reach the Great Tree for another week."
Varian blinked rapidly and swallowed thickly. He wasn't exactly taking this well, but he was doing a lot better than Horace would if their positions were reversed. They were so close to home, and yet so far. Horace thought it was almost worse to learn that they would just miss getting Varian back to his dad in time for his birthday. Somehow Horace felt like it would hurt a lot more than if Varian's birthday was several months before they reached the Great Tree.
Horace straightened his back and clapped his hands together. "Well then, I guess we're going to have to find a way to celebrate your birthday while on the road, won't we, Varian?"
Rapunzel and Lance were stunned. They stared at Varian with twin looks of shock that quickly turned to excitement.
"No way." Lance smiled. "Your birthday's coming up?"
"I-in three days." Varian said. He sounded slightly numb, like he was still trying to process what he had just learned.
"That's amazing." Rapunzel beamed. "We should throw a party!"
"I don't want to stop." Varian insisted. "I just want to get home."
"We don't have to have a big party to have fun." Horace said. He took the flower from Rapunzel. "Why don't me and Varian put this with the other stuff and we'll talk about what this non-party will look like." He took Varian's arm and pulled him to the chest where they'd been storing the ingredients.
Lance scowled and moved to follow them, but Varian gave him a small look and the man reluctantly stayed put. He and Adira watched them from a distance. That was fine. Let them watch. They were far enough away that Horace would be able to speak to Varian privately just for a little bit.
"So, kid, I have a very important question for you." Horace said quietly. "Whatever you say I'll be fine with it, I promise, and I'll help you figure things out, but I can't do any of that if you aren't honest with me."
"O-okay." Varian said.
"Do you want to have your memory back before your birthday?" Horace asked. "You're way too smart for your own good, and you notice a lot more than you let on, so I'm sure by now you've figured out that some things have happened between us in the past two years."
Varian shifted uncomfortably and tapped his hand on his thigh. "Y-yeah. I don't know what happened, and honestly I'm a little scared to figure it out, or to remember it."
"Hey, I get it." Horace said. "A part of me wishes I could forget it all too." He took a deep breath. "Look, I'm going to do my best to make sure you have as good a birthday as you can have, whether you have your memories back or not."
Varian frowned. "...If I remember, would I even want your help?" He didn't sound like he was being cynical , or accusatory, just genuinely curious.
Still, Horace couldn't help but flinch. "To be perfectly honest, no, you probably wouldn't want anything to do with me."
Varian sniffled and wrapped his arms around himself. "I know I need my memories back, and I understand why, but…but I don't want to hate you."
Horace didn't want Varian to hate him either, but this wasn't about what he wanted. This was all for Varian's sake, and what he wanted.
"I think I have an idea." Horace said. "Just because you're getting your memories back doesn't mean that you need to get them back immediately. I want you to have a happy birthday, and to be honest you were kinda far from happy earlier. It's your choice, of course, but something that we can do is we can wait to give you back your memories until after your birthday."
Varian's expression brightened. "Really?" His face soon fell. "Wait, but will the others be okay with it?"
"The others don't have to know." Horace put the flower in the chest before subtly pulling out one of the other ingredients. He pocketed it, giving Varian a wink as he did so. "Wouldn't you know it, I think we forgot an ingredient, and who knows, maybe it'll take four days to replace it."
Varian looked at Horace in blatant admiration, like he hung the moon itself. "Y-you'd do that for me? Even though we're fighting?"
"I'd do anything for you." Horace said honestly. "You mean so much to me. You're like my little brother, and the fact that things are weird right now doesn't change that." It had taken Horace a long time to be in a place where he could admit that, and he hadn't dared to say as much to Varian, because it would feel cruel and manipulative.
Maybe it still was manipulative, to be saying this to Varian just because he couldn't remember what had all happened, but at least it wasn't as cruel. In fact, Varian looked happy. Horace had really missed seeing that smile. He would do anything to keep that smile on the kid's face.
Horace brought a hand to the necklace he'd received from his father. He considered it for a second before he untied the necklace and held it out to Varian. "Hey, do you think you can hold onto this for me?"
"Your mom's necklace?" Varian looked at it curiously. "Where'd you get that?"
"It came with the note from my dad." Horace said. He was honored to get the necklace from his dad, but he felt like he didn't deserve it. He didn't deserve to be his dad's favorite person. However, he could continue the tradition of passing the necklace off to the most important person in his life, and right now that was Varian.
For a bit Horace had thought that Rapunzel was the most important person in his life, and she was still really important to him, but these past few months he'd come to realize that Varian meant so much more. Varian had always been at his side, ready to support him even when Horace didn't deserve it.
He didn't want to think about what his life would be like if he hadn't had Varian there when they'd been growing up. He'd tried to live without him in Corona, because he'd been living in complete denial, but it hadn't felt right without Varian there. There was a reason why Horace had continually tried to convince Varian to stay with them in the castle. Things would have been so close to perfect if he'd been able to have Varian there with him.
But Horace couldn't have everything, and he didn't deserve anything. He knew that now.
Horace moved to stand behind Varian, tying the necklace in place. "I'm worried that if I keep the necklace then I'm just going to end up losing it. Let's be honest, you're way more responsible than I am. I know you'll keep an eye on it." Horace didn't plan on telling Varian exactly what the necklace meant. That really would be manipulative, and put some unfair pressure on Varian.
Varian put his hand around the necklace, looking at it almost reverently. "I'll keep it safe."
"I know you will." Horace ruffled Varian's hair. "Come on, we'd better go back to the others before they start thinking that I'm corrupting you somehow." He could just feel the close stares and glares that Adira and Lance were sending their way.
Varian nodded, though he gave Horace a strong hug before he ran off. The embrace was short, but Horace enjoyed every moment of it. He had to savor this kind of affection when he could get it. He knew that he couldn't expect these kind of casual touches from Varian once he got his memory back.
Four more days, and then Varian's anger, fear, pain, and resentment would be back. He tried to tell himself that this would be a good thing, as Varian didn't deserve to live in obliviousness, but it was hard to convince himself that Varian being in pain could ever be for the best.
He'd just have to make these next four days as good for Varian as he could. The kid deserved to be happy, even if it really couldn't last.