The next few days were very tense for Varian. He did his best to relax and enjoy himself, but it was hard to do when he was constantly aware of just how much time he had left to enjoy his obliviousness. Every hour that passed brought him one hour closer to getting his memories back, and the closer it got the more Varian dreaded it.
He really didn't want to remember. He thought that a part of Horace didn't want him to remember either. It was so tempting to just refuse to take the cure. The only thing stopping him was his dad.
Varian's dad was protective of him. The boy couldn't even imagine how his dad was feeling about him being gone for two years. It would feel unfair to forget all about what had happened to upset his dad.
And then there was everything with Horace. Varian knew that whatever had happened between them had to be really bad, and he didn't want to remember it, but if he remembered what happened then maybe he'd be able to know how to fix it.
Varian just hoped that when he got his memories back he would still remember what he was going through now. Maybe he wouldn't be so mad at Horace if he remembered what Horace had been doing to help him. Right now it was clear to Varian that Horace was on his side, and he wanted to hold onto that.
Varian had a hard time sleeping. The night before his birthday he didn't think he slept at all. He tried, but it wasn't really going anywhere. Varian wished that he had Ruddiger with him. The raccoon had always helped him to sleep better.
Varian didn't want to bother the others, so even though he knew that he wasn't the only one awake, as someone was always on watch, he pretended to be asleep. The night passed so slowly, but an hour into Horace's watch Varian heard the prince quietly walk towards him.
"Hey, Varian." Horace whispered. He knelt on the ground next to Varian and nudged his shoulder. "You awake?"
Varian sighed and rolled over to face his friend. "Unfortunately. I can't sleep."
"I thought so." Horace gave him a sympathetic look. "If sleep's not going to happen, you think you want to join me for some training?"
Varian smiled and sat up. He hadn't done a lot of training lately. It sounded a lot better than just laying here for several hours. "Sure, let's do it." Horace held out a hand and pulled Varian to his feet. Varian began to pull his boots on, but Horace stopped him.
"Hang on." Horace said. "You know how on my birthday my dad always trains with me one-on-one, with a different disadvantage every year? I thought we could do something like that." Horace pulled off his own shoes and set them aside. "Barefoot fighting. The tough terrain will make us have to adapt and stay on our toes."
Varian was all too eager to agree. He'd always liked hearing about what Edmund did with Horace every year, and he used to casually try it out for himself before his dad decided that it was too dangerous for him to do so unsupervised. It had taken Varian a while to be content with just letting this be something kept between Horace and his dad.
It didn't matter to Varian that sparring while barefoot was really tame compared to some of the other stuff that Horace had done, he was just excited to participate.
Varian dug his toes into the dirt and slid his foot across the small pebbles and sticks, trying to get used to the feeling. He hopped a time or two. It stung just enough for him to want to watch his step and walk gingerly, but it wasn't too bad. Now that Varian knew what to expect he wouldn't be as cautious.
Varian didn't wait until he was completely adjusted, because that would give Horace time to do the same. He just launched himself at the prince. Horace sidestepped, and though he staggered a bit when his feet found some particularly sharp stones he quickly found his footing.
Varian didn't give Horace the chance to adjust. He turned on his feet and sent a kick to Horace's knee. His hit landed. Horace grunted and his leg buckled a bit. He instinctively tried to catch himself with his other foot, but he wasn't careful about his footing. Without thinking Horace lifted his foot off the ground, only to trip and fall.
Horace fell to his hands and knees. Varian jumped onto his back. Horace tried to throw him off, but Varian was really good at squirming around and getting a firm grip.
"You've gotten soft while we've been gone." Varian chuckled. "I know I beat you most of the time when we fight, but this is just pathetic."
"Cut me some slack, I didn't get a lot of chances to train in Corona." Horace said. Varian frowned.
"Why not?" Varian asked. "Lance implied that I trained every day. Wouldn't I have dragged you into it?"
Horace flinched. Varian felt a familiar dread build in his chest. He got off of Horace's back and sat on the ground. Horace sighed and sat up. "I can tell you what happened, if you really want, or we can agree to not say a word of what happened."
Varian shook his head. "I don't want to know." He was curious, but not enough to want to be hurt like he surely would be.
"Okay." Horace gave him a small smile. "It's your birthday. What you say goes." Varian noticed him subtly grabbing at the dirt, sifting out the rocks, sticks, and leaves from it. Varian had a pretty good idea about what Horace was doing. He was a little proud of Horace for trying to play dirty, as he was pretty reluctant to do so. But just because Varian was impressed didn't mean that he was going to take it easy on him.
Varian didn't even try subtly. He grabbed a fistful of dirt and threw it at Horace, being careful to steer clear of his face. The dirt barely got on Horace, it was mostly just thrown in his general direction, but it was enough of a distraction for Varian to get to his feet and take off running.
Horace laughed and ran after Varian. Their short-lived fight quickly turned to a chase. Varian was a lot more spry than Horace was, and less afraid of getting his feet cut up, but Horace's legs were longer and he was faster. It wasn't long before Horace caught up to him.
He wrapped his arms around Varian's body and tried to lift him into the air, but neither of them had realized just how much Varian had grown these past two years. Horace was still taller than him, but the height difference was not nearly enough for Horace to pick him up so easily. Varian's toes were just barely off the ground.
Horace gave Varian a firm squeeze before he let go of him. Now that Varian wasn't running the soreness of his feet was a lot more noticeable.
"We should probably get back to camp." Horace said. "After all, I'm supposed to be keeping watch right now." He picked Varian up bridal style, completely ignoring his protests.
"Horace!" Varian hit his chest, not really meaning to do any harm, but just to show his displeasure. "I can walk fine."
"You'll just get your feet cut up." Horace said.
"What about you?" Varian frowned.
"I'm older, which means my feet are tougher." Horace said. "That's how it works."
"What? No it's not." Varian laughed.
"Oh yeah? Prove it." Horace smirked.
"Oh, I will." Varian said. There was no doubt in his mind that Horace's feet would be sore and scrapped up all day. If that wasn't proof he didn't know what was.
They got back to the others a lot sooner than Varian would prefer. He clutched onto his prince's shirt, rubbing his hand across the fur of his cape. "H-hey, Horace, can you promise me something?"
Horace grimaced and he looked pained for a moment, just like Lance did whenever a promise was mentioned. Did Horace not like them either?
Horace set Varian down on his sleeping mat and sat next to him. "Kid, I'd love to promise you the world, but I don't think I should."
"Why not?" Varian asked.
Horace sighed. "Look, I-I made some very important promises to you, and I broke them without a second thought, and it really hurt you. You've become really cautious around my promises, and you have every right to."
"But I trust you now." Varian said. Horace gave him a pained smile.
"I know." Horace said. "But I don't deserve it, and I don't want to take advantage of it." Horace's pained smile brightened, though it still looked forced. "So I won't make you a promise, but I can do my best to do whatever you want."
It sounded like a promise to Varian, but if this was the way that Horace wanted to do things then Varian was fine with it. He took a breath. "Can…when I get my memory back can you still be my friend, or at least try to?" I know I might not want it later, but I want it now. I-I don't want to lose you." Varian hated how tears came to his eyes.
Horace gave him a sympathetic look. He scooted closer to Varian and wrapped his arms around him. Varian leaned into him.
"I don't want to lose you either, kid." Horace said. "And I don't think the you with your memories wanted to lose me either. I think that's part of the problem." Horace tightened his grip on Varian. "I don't think that you believed that I was actually there for you. I hurt you, and you were afraid to open yourself up to that pain again."
Varian frowned. "Right now I'm more afraid of being alone than I am of getting hurt."
Horace's eyes widened, like he just realized something. He looked pained, but also the tiniest bit relieved.
"I-I think there's something I can do about that." Horace said. "I can't make you trust me, but I can figure out how to help you be less lonely." Horace gave a small, pained chuckle. "I-it's not that I want you to be lonely, but you have no idea how happy I am to hear that I can at least try to do something about one of your problems so you don't go doing something like this again."
"Something like what?" Varian frowned slightly.
"Don't worry about it." Horace said. "You'll remember it tomorrow."
"Tomorrow…yeah." Varian grimaced as he nuzzled closer to Horace. He really didn't want to do this. Couldn't things just stay the way they were right now?
"Everything will be okay." Horace ran a hand through Varian's hair before he stood up, leaving Varian on the ground. "Try to get some sleep, kid." Horace stood up and limped a few feet away to return to his spot. Horace turned away from Varian and focused his attention back at the trees around them. Varian watched him for a minute before he sighed and laid down again.
Arian didn't really want to sleep, but he was tired and despite himself he soon found himself dozing off. He jerked awake when he felt someone nudging his shoulder. Varian's first instinct was to his whatever potential threat was there, but he stopped himself when he heard a very familiar chattering.
"Ruddiger?" Varian rubbed the sleep out of his eyes and sat up to see Rapunzel sitting next to him, holding Ruddiger out like an offering. Varian looked at Ruddiger for a long moment before turning his gaze to Rapunzel, as though seeking approval. She smiled, nodded, and set Ruddiger on the ground. The raccoon chirped and ran up to Varian, nuzzling up against him. Varian smiled and pet the raccoon.
"I thought you'd like to say hi to an old friend." Rapunzel said. "Eugene stepped away for a minute, so you can't have Ruddiger for long, but every little bit counts, right?"
Varian nodded and nuzzled against his raccoon. "I've missed him so much."
"I bet." Rapunzel made herself comfortable next to him. "I can't imagine how I would feel if I couldn't be with Pascal." She stroked the head of the chameleon that always lingered around her.
Rapunzel frowned slightly at Varian. "Hey, are you okay? You look tired."
"Yeah, I'm fine." Varian said. He found it strange that Rapunzel said that he looked tired when she had just barely woken up. She didn't seem to understand that other people weren't morning people like she was. "I've just been having a hard time sleeping these past few days. I've got a lot on my mind."
Rapunzel gave him a sympathetic look. "Is this about your memories?"
Varian looked at Rapunzel in shock. How had she known? Soon Rapunzel continued and Varian realized that she really didn't know anything about what was going on with him.
"Don't worry." Rapunzel said. "I know we keep on losing the ingredients for the cure, but I'm sure we'll find the last herb today. Maybe you'll even be able to get your memories back in time for your birthday. Wouldn't that be great?"
Varian couldn't help but chuckle. "Yeah, great." He found it funny that nobody had yet to find out that Horace had been sneaking random ingredients away, so whenever somebody found the supposably missing ingredient they would double check everything else, only to find a new ingredient suddenly gone. This wouldn't be able to last much longer, but Varian appreciated the time he'd been given.
Rapunzel shifted uncomfortably for a moment. She looked like there was more that she wanted to say. Varian waited. Eventually Rapunzel found her words.
"It's been really great to see you and Eugene getting along with each other." Rapunzel said slowly. "I hope…I mean, I know that he may have done some things that weren't so good, especially when he thinks that he's helping, but he really does care about you."
"I know." Varian said.
"I'm just worried that you won't." Rapunzel said quietly. She seemed to have a similar concern that Varian and Horace themselves had. "It can be really hard, after you've been hurt by somebody, to trust them, no matter how nice they are."
"Yeah." Varian automatically put a hand on his occasionally sore wrist and rubbed it. He didn't really know why, and he didn't mean anything by it, but Rapunzel looked like he'd just slapped her in the face. She paled and got to her feet.
"I-I should go." Rapunzel said shakily. "Happy birthday, Varian." She quickly retreated. Ruddiger gave Varian a regretful look and licked his face before he followed after Rapunzel. The raccoon knew just as well as Varian did that they weren't supposed to be around each other, but especially not alone.
Varian felt a swell of loneliness. He pulled his legs close to his chest and wrapped his arms around himself. Why was his loneliness always so much worse just after he had talked to people? He had gotten to spend some nice time with Horace, and he was able to cuddle with Ruddiger, even if just for a minute. So why did he feel like this was going to be a really bad day?
Varian sighed. There was no point in trying to go back to sleep when the others would wake up soon too. Varian stood up just as Horace came back from wherever he had gone, probably to take care of some personal business.
"You're up early." Horace said.
"Rapunzel wanted to talk, I guess." Varian said. "She disappeared really quickly though."
Horace frowned and looked towards Rapunzel, who was sitting away from the others curled up on herself and visually upset. "Did something happen?"
"I don't know." Varian shrugged. "I must've done something wrong, but I have no idea what."
"I'll talk to her." Horace said. He gave Varian a careful look. "Are you okay?"
Varian really wished that people would stop asking him that. He really wasn't fine, but the more he was asked about it the more he felt like he couldn't actually say so.
Varian shrugged again, because he didn't want to say that he wasn't fine, but he didn't want to lie to Horace either. "I thought I'd just do some reading. Maybe it'll help me relax."
"Sounds like a plan." Horace said. He ruffled Varian's hair. "Tell me if you find anything interesting." Varian nodded. Horace seemed content with this. He walked up to Rapunzel while Varian went the opposite way towards the carriage to grab one of his books.
Varian considered just reading inside of the carriage, where he would be able to completely breakdown without being asked about it. He didn't really want to be alone though, so instead Varian grabbed a book and settled himself right next to where Lance was sleeping. The man made for some good company, and because he didn't really like any of the others he always slept a little apart from them.
Varian read for several minutes, or at least he tried to. He had enough practice reading Demanitus' works that he could get the basic idea of what the books said, but his mind refused to focus, so he didn't really register what was written. It was similar to hearing words and not really listening to them, except in writing.
Eventually Lance began to stir. He was normally a reluctant riser, and it could take several minutes for Lance to even be semi-functional. As soon as Lance squinted his eyes open and saw Varian all signs of fatigue seemed to disappear in an instant. Lance yawned and sat up.
"Not able to sleep?" Lance asked.
"How did you know?" Varian asked.
"Because this is far from the first time that I've woken up to see you exactly like this." Lance said. "Do you want to talk about it?"
Varian slammed his book shut. "What I want is for everybody to stop asking me what I want and how I feel like I actually know!" Logically Varian understood that nobody understood how he felt and what he wanted more than he did, since he was the only one in his head, but that didn't mean that he actually knew for himself.
Lance didn't look shocked or angry at the outburst, and he wasn't pitying either. He was just understanding and sympathetic, like he was so good at doing.
"You wanna know a secret?" Lance asked as he pulled out that sewing project of his that he always worked on when they sat together. "Here's something that grown-ups don't like to tell anybody. Not kids, and definitely not other adults. The thing is, we don't know nearly as much as we act like we do."
Varian snorted. "I already knew that." He'd learned that lesson when he was about seven years old and found out that his dad didn't know something that Varian had learned from one of his books.
"I'm not just talking about normal stuff." Lance said. "I'm talking about the emotional stuff. There are tons of times when grown-ups don't know what they're doing, or how they feel, or what they want, but they just pretend that they're fine because that's what we've been taught we're supposed to do."
Varian felt a rush of panic. "You mean I'm going to have to deal with this for the rest of my life? It doesn't just go away?"
"It comes and goes." Lance said. "You learn to deal with it though." He seemed to be trying to cheer Varian up, but the boy just felt more panicked. He didn't want to deal with this anymore. Was this part of being a grown-up? Varian wasn't ready for this. His memories told him that he was just barely fourteen years old. He should still have a few more years before he had to think about grown-up stuff, but now, apparently he was sixteen now, and that was practically an adult.
Varian's chest tightened and his breathing quickened. Lance looked horrified and guilty. "Whoa, whoa, I'm sorry." Lance said. He looked like he wanted to reach out to Varian, but he held himself back. Lance looked conflicted for a moment before he held out his sewing project, which Varian had never gotten a good look at before. Lance practically shoved it in his arms. Not knowing what else to do, Varian buried his face in the soft fabric and squeezed it tight.
Varian just sat there for several minutes before he started to calm down. He didn't actually feel better, he was just numb, but it was preferable. Finally Varian felt okay enough to uncurl from himself. He pulled the sewing project away just enough to take a good look at it, and he was surprised at what he saw. It was a dragon…maybe. It looked more like a snake, but the three heads and wings made it clear that it was supposed to be a dragon.
"You…you made this?" Varian stared at the stuffed animal. It was clearly made by an amateur. The heads weren't the same side, the wings and button eyes looked like they were about to fall off, and there were places where the stitching wasn't perfect and some stuffing was threatening to come out.
"I know it's not perfect." Lance said. "I know you've been having a hard time without Ruddiger, and I thought you might appreciate having somebody to cuddle with."
Varian squeezed the dragon. "You made it for me?"
Lance nodded. "It's not quite done yet. I was planning on finishing it up today before giving it to you as a birthday present, but you looked like you needed something to hold onto more than you needed the perfect dragon."
Varian took in a deep, shuddered breath as he ran his hand across the fabric. He'd seen how much time Lance had spent on this thing, and the fact that he had done it for him, it was…overwhelming. Still, Varian appreciated it.
"You wanna give her a name?" Lance asked. "You can't have a cuddle buddy that doesn't have a name."
Varian said the first thing that came to his mind. "Zmeya."
Lance brightened. "You know, I based this thing off of that three-headed dragon that you said was the guardian of the spirits of the moon's soldiers."
Varian jolted. "I-I told you about the zmeya?"
"You've told me all kinds of stories from your people." Lance said.
"But…but that's not a story of my people." Varian said. "It's one that my dad made up. He told me last time he took me to see the Aurora Borealis. I haven't told anyone else." The story wasn't really a secret, but it was one that Varian held onto as something that was just between him and his dad. No Brotherhood. No Dark Kingdom. Just his family. Had he really shared it with Lance? Just what had their relationship been?
Varian was about to ask when he heard Adira shout for Horace. She sounded furious. Varian and Lance turned to see Adira storming furiously towards Horace and Rapunzel. Varian got to his feet and began to make his way towards them. He could count on one hand the number of times he'd seen Adira truly furious, not just frustrated or annoyed. Varian wondered what Adira was so mad about, but as soon as he saw the herb she was clenching in her hand he didn't have to wonder anymore.
That was the latest ingredient that Horace had taken from the pile and hidden from the others. If Adira had found it then she had to guess that Horace had taken and hidden it, along with the other ingredients that had gone missing.
Everybody already thought that Horace had been the one who erased Varian's memory. They would be absolutely furious if they thought that he was actively trying to keep them from returning Varian's memories.
He couldn't let Horace get in trouble when all he'd been trying to do was help him.
Varian ran to stop Adira, but she walked right past him. Horace had stood up to meet her, looking cautious, but also defensive and determined. Horace wasn't afraid of Adira, even if he probably should be.
Adira slammed a kick to Horace's chest, knocking him back and causing his balance to falter. She grabbed his arm and spun him around, wrenching his arm painfully behind his back.
"Adira!" Rapunzel shot to her feet, undoing her hair like she did when she was planning on using it. Varian didn't know why he felt a rush of panic when she did so. "What are you doing?"
"Why don't you ask our prince here what he was doing." Adira nearly growled. "Why were you stealing the ingredients for the cure?"
Rapunzel and Lance gave Horace alarmed and furious looks. Horace just scowled at all of them.
"Eugene, why would you-?" Rapunzel sounded heartbroken, as though this was a personal betrayal to her. Varian seethed. He was the one who was missing his memories right now. He wasn't mad at Horace for what he had done, but everybody else was taking it into their hands to be mad on his behalf, regardless of how he actually felt.
"Guys, leave him alone." Varian tried to tug on Adira's arm to pull her off of Horace, but it just made her pull on his arm, making the prince cry out in pain. Varian let go in alarm. "Stop it!"
"Varian, you don't understand." Adira said stiffly. "He's manipulating you."
Varian clenched his fists. "No he's not!"
"Kid," Lance gently pulled him back and put his hands on his shoulders. "I know you think that Horace is your friend and you can trust him, but he's just going to hurt you again. He took away your memories so he doesn't have to take responsibility for what he did., and now he's trying to stop you from getting your memories back."
"No, he's not." Varian insisted. "And he didn't erase my memories."
"You don't know that." Rapunzel said in what she probably thought was a gentle and reassuring tone, but it sounded patronizing. "None of know what happened."
Varian swallowed thickly. "You're wrong. I know what happened, or, at least, the me with my memories knows what happened." Varian grabbed the herb from Adira. "Give me one hour. I'll put together the cure, get my memories back, and then you can all apologize to Horace for acting like such big jerks.
Horace looked over his shoulder to give Varian a pained look. "Kid, you don't have to-"
"Yes, I do." Varian knew that he needed to get his memory back sooner or later. If he had to do it a little sooner than he would have preferred to clear Horace's name, so be it.
Varian got to work, combining the ingredients in the way instructed in Demanitus' notes to make the cure. He refused to accept help from Rapunzel of Lance. He didn't even want them to sit next to him to keep him company. They couldn't just act like they were his friends when they were thinking so badly of Horace.
The only one allowed to assist Varian was Hamuel. Varian was half tempted to find a way to mess up the cure and blame it on the clumsy bird. Adira would believe it without a moment's hesitation. But if he did that then Horace would still be in trouble, and Varian couldn't sit to the side and let that happen. So despite his fear and reluctance, Varian finished the cure.
Varian ladled some of the cure into a small vial. He glanced towards the others. Adira was still keeping Horace in the hold, which had to be very painful right now. Lance's eyes were on Varian while Rapunzel was watching Horace and Adira in concern. She seemed to be worried about Horace's well-being, but she wasn't doing anything to make Adira let go.
Enough was enough.
Varian closed his eyes, took a deep breath, and drank the cure.
It all came back to Varian so suddenly it was as though he'd never forgotten anything at all. One second he was wondering what Horace had done to deserve any of this, and the next he suddenly remembered 'oh yeah, he abandoned me, and hurt me, and tried to kill Ruddiger'. It was like what happened when somebody woke up from a deep sleep, and it took them a moment to remember things.
Varian's hands shook and he dropped the vial right onto his still bare feet. The vial broke, cutting his foot. Varian had dealt with far worse injuries, but it was just one pain too much for him to handle.
Tears came to Varian's eyes, and he was too tired to even try to hold it in. Varian began crying, wailing, really. It hurt so much.
"Varian." Lance came towards him, raw concern in his eyes. Varian had been so frustrated with him before, but he couldn't stay mad at him. Lance had just been looking out for him the best way that he knew how.
Varian didn't hesitate to lean against Lance, letting him embrace him. Varian cried into Lance's shirt, clinging to him tightly. Lance didn't ask if Varian remembered, he just held onto him.
"Varian?" Adira said quietly. "What do you remember?"
Lance shot Adira a stern look. "You really think now's the time for that?"
"It's important." Adira said. "Varian, did Horace erase your memories."
"No." Varian grew tense. Anger grew within him. He'd had his memories back for barely a minute, and Adira wasn't giving him time to adjust before she demanded answers. "He didn't."
"Are you sure?" Adira asked.
Varian let out a shout of frustration as he pushed himself away from Lance. He had gotten his memories back because he hadn't wanted Horace to be blamed for something he didn't do, but Adira was insistent on thinking the worst. What was even the point of getting these memories back?
"Yeah, I'm sure." Varian stormed to Adira, doing his best to get in her face and leer at her, despite the height difference between them. "I'm sure because I'm the one that used the Wand of Oblivium on myself. I erased my own memories. Horace had nothing to do with this. Now let him go."
"You…Varian." Adira sounded equal parts heartbroken and disappointed. She let go of Horace's arm. Varian ran to Horace's side and embraced him. He was still really hurt by what he had done, and Varian didn't know if he'd forgive him, but right now he appreciated him way more than he was mad at him
Horace had risked the others' anger when he'd tried to stall the making of the cure. And Varian now realized that Horace must have known that he had erased his own memories, both because of what Varian had said that day, and because Horace had the notebook that Varian had written his plan down in.
All Horace would have had to do to clear his name was to show the others Varian's notebook, but he hadn't. Horace had kept quiet just to protect Varian, hurting himself in the process, and Varian appreciated it a lot.
"Y-you helped me." Varian stammered. "Thank you."
Horace sighed and returned the embrace. "Whatever you need, kid."
"Varian, why would you do that?" Rapunzel asked.
"Why?" Varian's chest tightened and he had so many tears in his eyes that his vision became blurred. "Because it hurts. These memories, this betrayal, this loneliness, it hurts. It…it-" Varian sobbed and buried his face in Horace's chest. "I don't want this pain anymore. I just wanted to make it go away."
Horace tightened his grip on Varian as though he could protect him from the world. "Why. Why couldn't you guys just let me forget?" Varian couldn't help but cry more harshly than before. "I just wanted to forget."