Can our broken Sarah be put back together again? I took the name Niebieszczanski from an Oklahoma book binder and restauranteur. Like Yvonne's parents, he fled Communist Poland. He was granted US citizenship as a political refugee by John Casey's hero in 1984. Some friends and I visited his restaurant in the 90s and he regaled us with tales of his life until two hours past closing.
Chapter 13
Sam felt arms pick her up and smelled Chuck. She wrapped her arms around his neck and snuggled in against his chest. She loved that smell. Her head was pounding and she still felt something inside her was very broken but she felt safe in Chuck's arms. He was carrying her outside and when he stopped walking, she cracked one eye and saw they were back at the intersect building. After an elevator ride Chuck took her to a room that smelled like antiseptic and laid her in a bed. She whimpered and held her arms out, not wanting him to pull away from her.
"It's OK, Sarah," Chuck said in a low soothing voice. "I just need to step outside the room to make some calls. I'll stay right by the door where you can see me through the window, OK?"
"K," Sam replied reluctantly, pouting.
The door closed behind Chuck and she watched through the window to see him wave at her. She hated the way this room smelled. She had to visit her mommy in a room that smelled like this for a long time and when mommy finally came home Sam made her sick. She worried that if she stayed here too long she might make Chuck sick too. That idea made her heart pound. She started shiver and felt herself break into a cold sweat. She leaned over the edge of the bed and vomited. Chuck came rushing back into the room.
"Shit, she just threw up. No, just get Zondra and get your ass in here," Chuck spoke into the phone with quiet intensity. His voice dropped to a menacing growl as he added, "I want you focused on fixing this mess like your life depends on it because it just might."
"I don't feel good," Sam whined. "I'm sorry, I made a mess."
"It's OK, Sarah, just focus on your breathing," Chuck replied soothingly. "I'm just going to clean this up."
Sam thought about breathing and her body quickly fell into regular, even breaths. Her heart was still pounding and she was still sweating but she didn't think she was going to throw up again. After a while Chuck finished cleaning and scooped her up into his arms again before turning to sit on the edge of the bed. He rocked her gently and stroked her hair. Her body relaxed and she felt much better.
"Do you remember Antonia?" Chuck asked in a low voice.
"Yeah I 'member," Sam replied sleepily. "She's my friend."
"She's coming here with your other friend Zondra. Would it be OK if she talks to you while I talk to Zondra for a while?" Chuck asked. "Zondra and I will be just next door and can be with you right away if you need us."
"K," Sam agreed. "Then I can have some more cuddles?"
"Of course you can," Chuck promised. "My new job is to give you as many cuddles as you need."
"It's a big job, I need a LOT," Sam warned him.
"That's OK. I need a lot too," Chuck whispered conspiritorially.
He continued rocking her, stroking her hair, and giving her light kisses on the forehead. Sam drank it in and felt it calm her. All too soon she heard a door open and Chuck laid her back down in bed, giving her one last kiss and promising to be back with more cuddles as soon as he got done talking to Zondra.
"Hi Tone-ya," Sam said shyly.
Antonia looked startled, "Is that you, Sam?"
"Uh huh," Sam confirmed.
"How are you feeling?" Antonia asked.
"I think I'm sick, but it's OK 'cause Chuck loves me," Sam said solemnly. "He told me it was his new job to give me as much cuddles as I want."
"Would it be OK with you if I talked to Lisa?" Antonia asked gently.
"Lisa can't talk right now, she got hurt real bad," Sam replied. Antonia gasped.
"Is she going to be OK?" Antonia asked gently.
"I dunno," Sam replied sadly.
"I'm so sorry to hear that," Antonia said remorsefully. "Do you know her password?"
"Um," Sam scrunched her face as she tried to remember. "Bunny has teeth. I think she used all little letters."
Sam tried to relax after the effort of remembering but her face stayed scrunched and her head started to pound.
"Ow," Sam complained. "Make it stop!"
Antonia tried to pull her into her arms but Sam pushed her away sharply.
"I want my Chuck," Sam whined.
Antonia scurried out of the room and came back with Chuck and Zondra in tow. Chuck put his arms around Sam but she pushed him away, then dug her hands into his shirt and pulled him to her, crushing her lips against his and wrapping her whole body around him. Chuck was taken by surprise and was completely passive for a few moments. Then he began to respond and they made out passionately. Eventually a searing heat tore through her body and she collapsed back into the bed. She blacked out for just a moment.
"Thanks Chuck," Sarah said rolling onto her side and pulling herself up into a sitting position. "I REALLY needed that."
Chuck wore a confused half grin and had one eyebrow raised. Zondra and Antonia just stared at her in shock, their mouths hanging open.
"Snap out of it, ladies," Sarah said with a smile. "I'm sure both of you have seen a woman dry hump a guy in public before."
"Maggie?" Antonia guessed.
"No," Sarah said. After a slight pause she added, "Well, yes she led the charge but it wasn't JUST her."
"I can't WAIT for you to finish reading me in on this, Charles," Zondra muttered darkly as she moved to Sarah's bedside. She took Sarah's hands in hers and looked directly into her eyes, "Talk to me girlfriend. What have these mad scientists been doing to your head?"
"Remember when I said I needed intensive therapy?" Sarah leaned toward her friend, holding her gaze. "This is to therapy like nuclear weapons are to conventional."
"That's what I'm afraid of," Zondra hissed. "USING nuclear weapons is never a good idea."
"I see your point, Zee," Sarah said, frowning and thinking about how to explain herself. "The risks Antonia described were severe but I told her to go ahead anyway. I wasn't going to be able to get to where I wanted by conventional means. Think of it like using nukes to blow up a planet killing chunk of rock hurtling toward Earth. It's an exception to the rule."
Zondra stared hard at her friend for a long moment before relenting, "You're not acting like yourself, girl, but I can't tell whether the change was voluntary or coerced. I guess I'll let the jury deliberate for now."
Sarah felt the urge to jump onto Chuck and have him carry her around piggyback. She resisted... for now.
"I just checked the password Sarah gave me and it looks like it works," Antonia called out from a terminal. "I would suggest putting her back into the intersect machine and checking her current response pattern against her map."
"That sounds like a good plan but I think we should finish reading Zondra in and have her observe the process. I'll let the three of you figure out the protocol but my suggestion would be Zondra has authority to shut it down if she doesn't like what she sees," Chuck said, his brow furrowed in thought.
"You're not going to be involved at all?" Sarah was surprised and disappointed.
"No, I'm FAR too emotionally invested to be part of the process," Chuck said firmly. With his crooked grin he added, "Forcing me to get to know you the old fashioned way will be safer and more fun for both of us."
The gleam in Chuck's eye sent a shiver down her spine.
All four of them ended up in a conference room to finish reading Zondra in. Chuck was clearly the expert and Sarah gained a much deeper appreciation for what the intersect 3.0 could do. After a full two hours, during which Antonia had to stop Chuck from getting too deep into the details half a dozen times, he was finally satisfied that he'd given Zondra and Sarah a basic understanding of the technology. He took a deep breath and wished them well.
"I suppose you're going back to your sanctuary to soothe your anxiety?" Zondra speculated.
"No, I'm afraid that project will be winding down," Chuck said wistfully. "I'm hoping I can get Gomez to spar with me."
"Wow," Zondra gave a low whistle. "Sounds like the end of an era."
"Definitely a transition," Chuck agreed, smiling. "Too soon to tell what the new era will look like, though."
As the women entered the intersect room, Sarah was surprised to find she wasn't intimidated by the machine. She felt familiarity with a touch of eager anticipation.
"Doctor Frankenstein eat your heart out," Zondra said, awed.
Sarah methodically stripped out of her clothes and climbed in. Antonia brought the bottle of contrast dye to her with an ironic grin and she gulped it down.
"I don't think I've EVER had an eager interrogation subject before," Antonia noted.
"Maybe it's because I can imagine how much of Chuck went into this machine," Sarah said, her eyes shining. "No kink shaming please. I may have never had him inside me but I like being inside him."
"I love both of you separately but together you're a brand new kind of weird," Zondra said shaking her head.
Antonia turned on a camera to record the session and narrated each step for Zondra's benefit before she punched in the commands. The verification process was much shorter than the basic mapping. Antonia frowned at the results.
"This is unexpected," she told Zondra. "There has been a shift in the Lisa persona. Let's check up on her."
Sarah felt like she was being torn apart. Her entire body was a bright red scream.
"Who are you?" Antonia asked.
"Motherfucker!" she screamed. Through gritted teeth she added, "I'm Lisa. The Liquidator. I keep the rest of these bitches in line."
"Which bitches are those and why do they need to be kept in line?" Antonia asked.
"Maggie the skank, Sarah the blue falcon, Katie the cunt. Those stupid bitches worked for Shaw and destroyed Sam's Chuck. If it were up to me they'd all be just a thin red mist."
"Who decided to spare them?" Antonia asked.
"Sam," she snarled. "I'm Sam's hellhound attack bitch."
Sarah's world got pulled inside out.
"Who are you?" Antonia asked.
"I'm Sam, silly," she answered with a giggle.
"What do you do, Sam?" Antonia asked.
"I play and cuddle and dance and lots of other stuff," she said happily.
"Do you still hide?" Antonia asked.
"Sometimes, but I can come out whenever I want," she replied proudly.
"Do you know what happened to Lisa?" Antonia asked.
"Uh huh," she said. "Old Lisa was bossy and mean to me. I'm the boss of New Lisa."
Sarah's world shifted again and all her missing pieces fell back into place. She still felt a little woozy as the intersect machine detached itself from her. As she got dressed Zondra was there to help her.
"Hey are you, OK?" Zondra asked in a low voice. "You said some really weird shit while you were in there."
"Little dizzy but yeah I'm OK," Sarah replied in the same tone.
They walked back to the console where Antonia was still examining data. She looked up as Sarah approached and her expression softened.
"Hey Sarah, how are you feeling?" Antonia asked gently.
"Shredded," Sarah replied. "How's my brain looking?"
"Apparently your Lisa persona is undergoing a sharp change in the way she relates to the other personae," Antonia explained. "Her primary objective went from keeping Sam hidden to being Sam's enforcer."
"Huh," Sarah mused. "Yeah I can definitely feel Sam a lot closer to the surface than I'm used to. There's a dull ache of anger and pain too but I'm not sure where it's coming from."
"That sounds like Lisa," Zondra nodded. "I take it she used to be less rabid?"
"Just yesterday she was freaking out because she couldn't stop me from talking to Sam," Antonia explained. "She was an ice queen and described herself as Lisa who locks it down."
"Damn, now THAT sounds like the Walker I know. So the ice queen turned into The Liquidator?" Zondra's mind was boggled.
"That would be my interpretation," Antonia confirmed. "The target of her control also changed from Sam to Soldier Sarah, Maggie, and Katie. These personae function as soldier, seductress, and grifter so those parts of Sarah will be more muted while Sam's childlike tendencies will go from invisible to prominent."
As she listened to Antonia's description, Sarah felt a resonance deep within her confirming the other woman's words.
"When you lay it out like that, it seems like such a minor change," Sarah marveled. "Inside, it feels like I'm becoming a completely different person."
"Did this happen to you when you used the intersect?" Zonda asked Antonia.
"There were some subtle changes but nothing like this," Antonia noted. "We've seen more radical shifts in some of our other interrogation subjects. Amongst the intersects the changes in Charles' personality dynamic were the only ones more pronounced than Sarah's."
"What kind of changes did Chuck go though?" Sarah wanted to know.
"Sorry, if he's too emotionally invested to get a look at your persona map, it's only fair that I keep his a secret from you too," Antonia said with a smile. "What Charles' shares is up to him."
"Do you honestly expect us to believe you're not going to give Charles a comprehensive report once we're gone?" Zondra said skeptically.
"Galois Media isn't a rigid hierarchy with Charles wielding absolute power and the rest of us just following orders," Antonia laughed. "Each of us has our own personal encryption keys and our own secrets. Believe me when I tell you that making Sarah one of mine will cost me dearly but it still won't get anyone else access to her map."
"So when can I expect to get my first batch of amazing intersect skills?" Sarah asked, grinning and wiggling her eyebrows to communicate that she was only half serious.
"We should probably wait until your personality is completely stable," Antonia replied, shaking her head. "After that, we'd need to hire you. Then you'd need to sign a contract with Galois Media Special Projects agreeing that any implanted skills remain the sole property of GMSP and that you agree to undergo a suppression procedure upon termination of employment for any reason."
"So you can have one of Charles' toys when you pry it from his cold dead fingers, right?" Zondra summarized.
Antonia looked at her speculatively for a long moment before admitting, "Charles made a point of ensuring that no one person has control of GMSP. Don't ask for details. The first rule of GMSP is not to talk about GMSP."
"Rule breaker!" Sarah said in a sing song voice.
"That's me, the rebel," Antonia agreed.
"Y'know Sarah, we may have found the perfect candidate to replace Amy on the C.A.T. squad," Zondra snickered.
Antonia gave them a brief rundown of what to watch for in the coming days as Sarah learned to adjust to her new dynamic and they all exchanged emergency contact numbers. They agreed Sarah would take a break from her duties as an instructor and that Antonia would find a therapist to do an intensive inner child workshop with her. By the time Zondra and Sarah returned to the cottage it was 2am. Sarah fell asleep as soon as her head hit the pillow.
She found herself floating back to the round table. This time Soldier Sarah, Maggie, and Katie were on one side facing the other three. Lisa had morphed into a human/canine hybrid with glowing red eyes and sulphurous smoke pouring out of her nostrils every time she exhaled. Sam sat beside her in a floating egg chair with her legs in the lotus position. Patricia perched expectantly on the other side of Sam, stenographer's pad in hand, ready to take notes.
Soldier Sarah reached over to pick up the stick laying in the middle of the table. "I'm sorry I put discipline above my duty to protect the well being of Sam. I will not make that mistake again." She passed the stick to Maggie.
"I'm sorry I put my desire for personal validation in the form of carnal pleasure above my duty to make Sam feel safe. I will not make that mistake again." She passed the stick to Katie.
"I'm sorry I put my desire to create a space for us in the power hierarchy of the US intelligence community above the needs of Sam to come out of hiding once in a while. I will not make that mistake again." She passed the stick to Patricia.
"I'm sorry I let my grief over the collapse of my most ambitious plan ever make me too timid and ineffectual to create an effective plan for Sam's future. I will not make that mistake again." She handed the stick to Lisa.
"I'm sorry I let my need to protect Sam cloud my thinking so much that I could justify imprisoning and silencing her for her own good. I allowed myself to become the threat I was supposed to be defending against. I earned my place in hell and will let my foul breath and subhuman form stand as a warning to any who might try to justify failing her. I am thankful that through all my pain, I am now incapable of making that mistake again." She handed the stick to Sam.
"Thank you all for keeping us alive while I hid from fear. I'm gonna need a lot of help staying brave and dealing with people. Please don't let fear stop you from helping when you can. It's OK to make mistakes." She passed the stick to Sarah.
"I am humbled by the ability of each of you to admit your mistakes and your willingness to learn to do better. I'm sorry I let my goal of being 'a professional' become more important than my duty to important people in our life. I will not make that mistake again." She set the stick down in the middle of the table reverently.
The seven of them reached out to hold each others hands and they all took slow even breaths eventually locking into perfect synchronicity. Sarah carefully etched that moment in her memory so she could come back to it.
That was the only dream Sarah was able to remember but she awoke with a mind at peace and a heart full of hope. She was amazed at how much joy there was in the simplest moments of the day. Running with Zondra, eating fruit, working out, sitting on her bench, watching the water flow, listening to birdsong and tracing constellations in the night sky all filled her with wonder. For the two days after that she worked with Isabella, the counselor Antonia had arranged for, learning to listen to Sam. The third was a half day and she sincerely thanked Isabella for her help. She spent the afternoon recovering from her emotional workout and found herself looking forward the dinner she had agreed to have with Chuck.
"Sarah, you're looking well," Chuck's rich baritone greeted her like a favorite song.
"Thanks, Chuck. I really appreciate you paying for that workshop," Sarah felt full of gratitude.
"I had nothing to do with it," Chuck shook his head. "Antonia paid for it out of her own pocket without even raising the possibility of help from me. Frankly I've been shocked by how fiercely she's advocated for you."
They enjoyed their soups and salads and exchanged small talk. It wasn't until the main course that Sarah felt there was enough of a lull in the conversation for her to get something off her chest.
"Something came up in my workshop that really bothers me," Sarah began. "Remember when you brought up how quickly I trusted Shaw with my real name? I remember being frightened by the changes you were going through. I felt you slipping away but when Shaw reminded me that was the mission, I completely changed tracks and starting thinking about myself and how I was going to go back to who I had been before I met you."
Chuck nodded thoughtfully. Sarah could see the pain in his eyes at the memory.
"I said it made me want to hold on to who I had been before I got to Burbank. But before Burbank I wasn't Sam, I was Sarah Walker, Langston Graham's enforcer. I haven't been Sam since I was six years old. Giving him Sam's name made absolutely no sense whatsoever. I never gave that name to ANYONE after the age of eight and the only explanation for a field agent giving up something that potentially damaging in a fit of nostalgia would be the influence of mind melting drugs. It wasn't until I was workshopping that I figured it out. I had to hide Sam deep down because she triggered my mother's PTSD. On some level I assumed anyone who saw her would react the way my mom did. Sam wanted to show herself to Shaw to make him go away, not because she trusted him. After that slip up, she got buried deeper than ever and I unconsciously assumed it didn't work on Shaw because he had purged himself of ANY real emotion. Since Sam carries almost all my real feelings, these got buried right along with her."
Sarah reached forward and took Chuck's hands as tears streamed down her face.
"With Sam buried and silenced, I let myself become the instrument that destroyed the best man I ever met. I betrayed you and my betrayal tore out Sam's heart. I made myself an unfeeling abomination. I hope to God I never get access to time travel because if I could get my hands on that woman I'd tear her to ribbons and bury her in salt."
She took a few deep cleansing breaths before continuing.
"Thanks to unfathomable miracles, we are both here now. Your love for the child within me has freed that lonely, abused, six-year-old girl. She's got something she wants to tell you and I'm going to let her use my voice."
Sarah's voice rose an octave as she called out, "My name is Samantha Lisa Niebieszczanski and I love my Chuck!"
Chuck pulled her into his arms and held her close. He stroked her hair and murmured kind soothing words into her ear as great heaving sobs of release wracked her body. They never did finish their dinner.