It was late, later than what should've been acceptable for a surprise visit, but after saying goodnight to his big kids, Elliot couldn't stop himself from slipping out and rushing over to Olivia's apartment. It had been far too long since he'd seen Noah, since he'd had much of a conversation with Olivia, and although he knew he was being selfish, the pull was too strong, and he wasn't sure he could rest until he at least laid eyes on his youngest child.
And his mother.
"Hey." Olivia opened the door, surprised to see Elliot there at this hour.
"Hey. Sorry, I should've probably called first," he said, nervously scratching the back of his neck.
She smiled at his uneasiness. "It's ok. Noah is asleep already, but you can come in."
Elliot stepped inside as Olivia welcomed him in. "Thanks. Can I look in on him for a second?"
Olivia nodded. "Go ahead."
Elliot quietly opened Noah's door and smiled when he saw the sleeping boy. He walked slowly to the bed and gently kissed the top of Noah's head.
His son.
It still amazed him that this child was his, theirs. Noah was an incredible blend of him and Olivia, his eyes and her spunk, his sense of humor and her smarts. Elliot was so proud to call the boy his, and now that his quest for justice was over, he couldn't wait to learn even more about his little boy. He watched Noah sleep for a few more minutes before rejoining Olivia in the living room.
"Are you ok?" Olivia asked, as Elliot settled on the couch next to her.
"Liv, I just...I can't get over how much I love him already."
Olivia smiled, loving how quickly, after just one meeting that Elliot had already fallen in love with their son. "I know. It's overwhelming. He's going to love you too, Elliot."
He covered his face with his hands, overwhelmed at the moment. The last few days had been such a whirlwind, and it was almost too much. The Wheatley threat was over, his children knew about Noah, and now he was back in Olivia's apartment, hoping to discuss a future with their son.
"I just want to do right by him, by all of my kids. I just...don't know how to balance all of this."
"We don't have to figure out everything right away," Olivia said gently, recognizing the ache in Elliot's voice. "It's going to take some time, and I'm sure we're going to make mistakes along the way. The most important thing is that we continue to reassure all of the kids that they are loved."
Elliot reached for her hand, intertwining their fingers and asking her, "How are you doing? With all of this?"
Olivia shrugged and unexpected tears came to her eyes. "I don't know, Elliot. I'm feeling a lot of things. When you left, I never expected to see you again, never expected you to ever know about Noah, much less meet him. Now you're here, and everything is new, and I'm...worried about the future, worried about losing time with him, sharing him, shuffling him..."
"Don't do that," Elliot quickly interrupted her, hoping to ease her mind. "It's me, Liv. Not some angry, hostile ex."
"No, I know," she insisted, understanding what he was trying to stay, but still struggling with the idea of sharing her son with someone else, of putting his health and safety into someone else's hands, even Elliot's.
"It's just that it's always only been the two of us, 'Team You and Me' he says. Yes, he's had sleepovers, and my squad loves him, but on a daily basis, it's always just been the two of us. Now we have to adjust to what will inevitably be time apart, I'll have to consider you and your kids when making decisions for him...it's just a lot." Her voice dropped to a whisper as she felt herself becoming a little more emotional.
Elliot sensed Olivia's struggle, recognizing that as excited as he was to get to spend time with Noah, she was dealing with a whole host of other emotions, and he knew he had to reassure her that he'd be a partner with her in raising their son.
"Liv, I'm going to back you on any decision you make for him. You've been his everything for ten years. I'm not going to insist on things or fight you on things. You call the shots here."
He squeezed her hand and leaned closer, working to catch her eyes, so he knew she really heard him. "I just want to be around, Liv. Yes, I'd love to have him stay with me, have dinners with my kids, but I won't ask to have him without you until you're sure ready for that. I don't want you to feel like I'm trying to take him away, because I'd never do that. I just want to be a part of his life, whatever you want that to look like."
Olivia wiped at another errant tear. "Thank you. I didn't want to say it, but I've been worried about that."
"I'd never try to take him away from you," Elliot assured her. "He needs you more than he needs me."
Olivia shook her head, vehemently disagreeing with him. "He needs you too, Elliot. He always has."
They sat together in silence for a few minutes, their hands still joined, both processing and preparing for whatever would come next for their little family.
That's what they were; a family.
It was unconventional, but they'd find a way to make it work, to both be there for Noah, for whatever he needed. Olivia would continue being his rock, but they both hoped Elliot could become a pillar for Noah as well, someone to lean on, and someone else he'd know had his back and loved him, the way a father should.
After awhile, Elliot broke their silence. "Will you…I'd like for you and Noah to come over so my kids can meet him, maybe over dinner. Is that something you think you'd be able to do?"
Olivia pulled her hand away from him, nervously brushing her thumb along her forehead. "I don't…I don't know. Are you really ready for that? Are they ready for that? Do they even know?"
Elliot sighed deeply, shaking his head before answering. "I told them tonight. Reactions were mixed, as I'm sure you can imagine. Liz and Kathleen really want to meet him. They asked lots of questions about him and seemed genuinely excited about the chance to get to know him. Maureen…she was so close with Kathy that I think she maybe feels she'd be disloyal to her mother, but she was interested in knowing more about him. Dickie thinks we lied to him all those years ago, and Eli is working very hard not to make eye contact with me."
He shrugged before continuing. "I don't know if any of us are really ready for Noah to just jump in with the rest of them, but I'd like for them to all at least meet him, for now. After that, I'll leave it up to you and each of them how involved they want to be, with the exception of Eli. They aren't that far apart in age, and I think they could become good friends if Eli will put out the effort."
Elliot reached for her hand again. "But I think once everyone meets him, they'll fall in love with him, just like I have."
Olivia stood up and began slowly pacing in front of him, wringing her hands a little as her nervousness grew.
"We just…we have to go slow here, Elliot. You're grieving, so many things, you just lost your wife, you just moved back halfway around the world, and your other kids need you. Noah and I are here, but you need time to deal with everything else going on in your world. You can call and talk to him, and you can come over occasionally, but I don't want us to move things too fast, not yet. I can't…I can't risk Noah getting hurt."
Elliot stood up, stepping in front of her and gently grasping her upper arms, stopping her pacing. "Liv, I won't hurt him. I promise."
Olivia pressed her hand against her chest, trying to settle herself. "I need you to work on yourself. You've been through so much, and Noah and I…we're not going to fill the hole that Kathy left in your life. That's not fair to anyone, and you need time to figure out your new normal without her."
"Liv."
"No," she said, holding up her hands to stop him from continuing. "You've met Noah now, and you're going to be in his life, and I want you to be, but that's only going to happen if you're healthy. I need you to take care of yourself and get yourself healthy, Elliot. For yourself, for your kids, including Noah."
He stepped closer to her, this time placing his hands on her shoulders. He felt her tense under his touch, but he wouldn't remove his hands, not until she told him to. Just the simple touch made him feel even more connected to her, and it felt good, safe. "I understand and appreciate you wanting to protect Noah. If I were in your shoes, I'd do the same thing. I promise you that I won't hurt him, and Bell has already made therapy a condition of continuing with her unit."
"Good," Olivia whispered, somewhat relieved.
"But I want to do it. I want to build a good relationship with Noah, and I want to work on making up for all of the time I lost, with him and with you."
Olivia stepped backwards out of his reach, shrugging off his hands and shaking her head.
"Don't pull away from me, Liv." He could feel her walls slowly rebuilding themselves.
"I'm trying not to."
Elliot knew he was saying too much, putting too much on her, but she was giving him the gift of time with their son, so he owed her his honesty, no matter how difficult it might be for her to hear. She deserved the truth.
"There's something else you need to know. I'm not asking you for anything or pushing for anything, but I need you to know that Kathy and I…we were living together, but we were working on a divorce. We'd planned to file a day or two after your ceremony, and then I'd stay here, and she would probably go back to Italy."
He stepped closer once again, one of his hands drifting to Olivia's cheek. "I'm not saying anything more about that right now, and I tell you that with no expectations whatsoever. I just need you to know. I'm sad she's gone, and I wanted justice, for her and for the kids, and I loved her, but what we were at the end…we were good friends trying to parent our children together."
"Please don't," Olivia said, stepping back away from him again. "This isn't about us, Elliot. We're focusing on Noah and your kids right now. Nothing else, ok?"
Elliot nodded, reluctantly agreeing. "Nothing else, for now."
Olivia turned away from him, busying herself with tidying up around the living room, needing a few minutes to distract herself, to regain control over her feelings, over the situation. "Figure out a time you can get the kids together, and Noah and I will try to make it work. That's all I can give right now, ok?"
Elliot, sensing her struggles and her need for control, knew she was shutting down on him, and it was time for him to go. He stepped toward her again, placing his hand on her back, causing her to freeze where she was standing.
"I'll talk to the kids and let you know soon, ok?" he said softly into her ear.
Olivia nodded and whispered, "Ok."
"Thank you. For everything, Liv."
"Goodnight Elliot," she said, hesitantly turning her face to find his eyes.
He offered a small smile. "Goodnight. I'll talk to you soon."
Olivia slowly followed him to the door, watching as he slipped on his jacket before flashing that smile she loved so much one more time. Her eyes held him until he reached the elevator, and when he was out of sight, she closed her door, leaning against it, shutting her eyes tightly as she attempted to make sense of all of the bombs Elliot had dropped on her.
Elliot and Kathy were separating when they came to New York. Elliot had planned to stay in the city.
She shook her head, shutting off the lights and making her way to her bedroom. No, she couldn't think about her and Elliot right now. While he'd never been far from her mind all these years, now wasn't the time to think about her own future. Her entire focus needed to be on Noah and helping him navigate the new family he was discovering.
As she slipped into bed, Olivia reached for another picture of her and Elliot, one that had moved to her nightstand drawer after his returned. She ran her fingers over it a few times before tucking it back into its home. Closing her eyes, Olivia allowed herself to drift off to sleep, dreaming of herself, Noah, Elliot, what could have been, and what was still yet to come.
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Olivia woke the next morning to an unexpected weight pressing down on her. Opening her eyes, she was surprised to see Noah snuggled under the covers, sleeping against her with his head pillowed on her chest. She smiled, her fingers gently threading through her son's curls. It had been awhile since he'd snuck into her bed in the middle of the night without waking her, and even though they'd need to get ready for their day soon, she'd wait as long as possible, relishing the cuddles from her son that were occurring less often as the days passed.
In moments like these, she found herself drifting to memories of Noah as an infant, lying on her chest on the nights he refused to sleep in his crib, the constant sound of her heartbeat the only thing to settle him long enough for sleep to overtake him. Those days were so difficult, especially doing it all on her own, but sometimes she missed her tiny little boy.
Just as she felt her eyes closing again, Noah began to stir, his little hand rubbing his eyes as he yawned.
"Mommy?"
"Good morning, sweet boy," Olivia mumbled, her lips pressed against Noah's head.
He slipped his arms around her neck, his face burrowing further into her. "School day?"
She gently rubbed his back as she snuggled him closer. "School day."
Noah groaned, shaking his head. "Can we just have a home day instead?"
"I wish," Olivia said, laughing a little. "But I have work, and you don't need to miss school, so we need to get going."
Finally sitting up, Noah sighed. "Fine."
Olivia ruffled his unruly curls. "Before we get up, can we talk about something?"
He nodded, yawning again, and Olivia pulled him back down into her arms, needing to hold him as she filled him in on last night's conversation with Elliot.
"Noah, we had a visitor last night after you went to bed."
"Was it Elliot?" Noah asked, surprising Olivia.
"It was. How did you know?"
Noah shrugged. "I don't know. I think I dreamed that I heard his voice."
"Well, it wasn't a dream. Remember how I told you he was working on a really hard case so he had to be away from us for a little while?" Olivia asked.
When Noah nodded, she continued. "Elliot came over last night because that case is over now, and he really wanted to see you. He's missed you a lot, Noah."
Olivia could tell that Noah was thinking, processing what she'd just told him. Finally, he quietly responded, "I missed him too."
Her heart felt like it was going to burst from her chest at any moment. She knew that when Noah got to know Elliot, he'd love him, but she hadn't really expected Noah to feel a connection with Elliot just yet, not enough to miss him. But it felt good, and she wanted this relationship for Noah so badly.
"Noah, sweetie, something else Elliot and I talked about…he's hoping that you and I could come over to his place and have dinner with him and his other kids."
Noah's head flew up, shock written across his features. "What? Dinner? With the other kids? Like…like brothers and sisters?"
Olivia couldn't help the tears that formed in her eyes at the excitement in Noah's voice, the longing, the possibilities for a future surrounded by the family she'd always wanted to give him.
"Yes, sweet boy. He wants you to get to meet your brothers and sisters. But only if you want to, if you're ready. You get to decide this part."
Almost immediately, Noah was nodding, pleading with her. "Yes, please Mom. I want to see Elliot, and I want to meet my brothers and sisters. Please?"
Olivia cradled Noah against her again, tears rolling down her face as she held him close. She was happy for her son, but the dreams she'd had were starting to become reality, and a part of her was overwhelmed, unsure, desperate to protect her son, but desperate to let him have this, a father, older siblings, and so much love, love she knew would be there when the Stabler kids met him.
"I'll call Elliot and let him know," Olivia choked out, her voice shaking as she tried to compose herself before Noah noticed her tears. But her son was incredibly perceptive, and he raised his head, and she could tell her tears were upsetting him.
"It's ok, Mom. This is good. We get to have a bigger family, more people for us to love."
Olivia nodded. The nerves would probably remain until the first meeting was over, but her son was right. This was a good thing, and it's not possible to have too many people that truly love her son.
This was good. She just hoped all of the Stablers would agree.
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It would take a week to get a dinner set up. Trying to coordinate Elliot and Olivia's work schedules, Noah's dance practices, plus all of the busy lives of his children was hard, but they finally agreed on a date for dinner.
When the day arrived, Olivia's nerves were on high alert. She leaned her forehead against the steering wheel of her car, trying to slow her breathing down. She felt lightheaded, and she knew her brain wasn't getting enough oxygen as she was bordering on a panic attack.
Was this really happening? Was she really introducing her son to the Stabler kids?
It suddenly felt like it was too much, too soon, and she wasn't sure she was ready. What if they weren't accepting of Noah? What if they wanted nothing to do with him? What if they looked at him as a reminder that their father cheated on their mother? What if this went horribly?
"Mooooooom, can you turn off the car so we can go inside?"
Noah's words interrupted her thoughts. She looked up in the rearview mirror, and the excitement radiating from him lessened her nervousness, just a little. He was thrilled for this, thrilled for the opportunity to meet the siblings he'd never known about. Yes, there was a chance things could go badly today.
But what if it went beautifully?
Inside, Elliot was pacing back and forth in front of the kids, full of excitement and nerves, constantly checking his watch. He finally stopped when he felt his daughter's hand on his back. When he looked up, Kathleen's smile was looking back at him.
"Calm down, Dad. It's going to be fine."
Elliot sighed. "I just want it to go well, and I'm excited to see him. I've wanted all of this since the moment Liv told me about him."
"They'll be here, and today will be a good day. I promise, Dad."
As Elliot hugged his daughter, they heard a knock on the door. Kathleen pulled back and smiled at him again. "Go see your son." He squeezed her hand and headed for the door.
Elliot took a deep breath, opening his door to Olivia and Noah on the other side. "Hey guys!"
Without any hesitation, Noah immediately threw his arms around Elliot's waist. "Hi Elliot," Noah said with a contented sigh.
Elliot closed his eyes as he held his son close. "Hey buddy. I really missed you. I'm so glad you're here."
Noah was almost bouncing with excitement. "I missed you too. I'm glad Mom and I got to come over. I can't wait to meet everyone!"
Elliot pressed a kiss on the top of Noah's head. "They are all very excited to meet you too."
Still holding Noah against him, he reached for Olivia, pulling her into their hug. "You ok?" he whispered.
Olivia pulled back, and he could see the tears glistening in her eyes and the turmoil raging in them. She bit her lip before shrugging her shoulders. "I just don't want him to get hurt."
"It's going to be ok," Elliot assured her.
He reached for Noah's hand, leading him into the apartment where all of Elliot's children and his son-in-law were waiting for them.
"Alright guys, this is Noah, your brother." He pointed out each of them and gave Noah their names. Kathleen and Liz were the first to approach him.
"I'm very happy to meet you Noah," Liz said, giving him a hug.
"Me too," Kathleen said, following her sister.
"Wow," Noah said, taking a moment to look around the room at all of them. "I've always wanted a brother or a sister, and now I have five of them!" He looked up at Elliot. "And a dad!" He turned around until he found Olivia. "This really is the best day ever, Mom!"
"I know, baby. I'm so happy for you," she said softly. Olivia couldn't hold back her tears any longer, excusing herself to go into the kitchen, in an attempt to compose herself.
Elliot's heart was filled with so much love for the new member of his family, while at the same time breaking for Olivia. He looked around at the kids before Kathleen spoke. "We've got him, Dad. Go check on her."
"Thanks Katie."
When he reached the kitchen, Olivia was leaning against the counter, her arms struggling to hold her up as her shoulders shook with sobs. Elliot rubbed her back for a moment before slipping his arm around her waist, pulling her into him.
"It's ok, Liv," he whispered, his lips pressed against her head. "Noah's going to fit in just fine. They are going to love him."
Olivia turned around to face him, wiping at her tears. "I'm sorry Elliot, I…I've just wanted this for Noah for so long. I'm so happy for him, but I'm worried about how your kids are going to accept him, and how…how they'll feel about me."
Elliot's hands rubbed up and down her arms, trying to soothe her. "It's not your fault. It took both of us."
Just then, Kathleen joined them.
"We'll be there in a few minutes," Elliot said, stepping between his daughter and Olivia, trying to give her the privacy to compose herself.
Kathleen stepped around him to talk to Olivia. "Liv, I know this is hard for you, being here with all of us, and sharing your son. But it's ok. Yes, we've all got some feelings to work through, but it's all in the past. We're happy to welcome Noah into our family. I can already tell he's a great kid."
Olivia forced a smile through her tears. "Thanks Kathleen. You're right, it is really hard. I want this for him, but I feel very...ashamed of the circumstances that led to him being here."
Kathleen reached for Olivia's hand. "It's over, and it can't be undone. I can tell you that Maureen and Dickie are struggling, and Eli has been really quiet about everything, but everyone will be fine tonight. Please, come join us."
Olivia wiped her tears again as Elliot gently placed his hand on her back, guiding her toward the living room. Olivia heard her son's laughter filling the room, and his joy helped settle her for the moment. She and Elliot both sat off to the side, just watching Noah get to know his siblings.
When Noah realized his mom was back in the room, he rushed over. "I love it here, Mom!" he said, throwing his arms around her neck.
"I'm so glad, sweet boy," she whispered.
When Noah pulled away, he saw the tears in her eyes, and he could tell she'd been crying.
"Please don't cry, Mom," he said, tears forming in his own eyes.
Olivia shook her head. "I'm ok, Noah. Really. I'm just…happy and a little overwhelmed, but I'm ok."
Noah nodded, not entirely convinced, but accepting her answer. "Ok," he said, hugging her again before wiping her tears. He ran back to his spot on the couch between Eli and Liz.
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The evening went better than Olivia and Elliot could've hoped for. While there was a little bit of underlying tension, all of the kids, even Eli, made an effort to get to know Noah and to make him feel included in all of the conversations. The smile never left Noah's face, not until it was time to leave.
"Do we have to go?" Noah sadly asked Olivia.
Elliot knelt down in front of him. "Buddy, we'd love for you to stay longer, but it's getting late, and you have school tomorrow. We've had a great time tonight though, and we're all glad you came to see us."
Behind Elliot, the kids were echoing his sentiment, and Noah took the time to hug and say goodbye to each one of them. Olivia smiled as they each took a moment to remind Noah they were glad to meet him and looked forward to spending time getting to know him.
When Noah was finished and it was time for them to go, Elliot walked Noah and Olivia to the door. Before he could open it, Maureen rushed up to them.
"Olivia, can I talk to you before you go?" she asked.
Uneasy about whatever Maureen wanted to discuss, Elliot intervened. "Not tonight, Maureen."
"It's ok, Elliot," Olivia said, following Maureen back to the kitchen.
When they were in a quiet area alone, just the two of them, Maureen began, "I just want you to know that Noah is a really great kid. He fit right in with all of us perfectly, and I'm excited to continue getting to know him. But I'm still very, very angry at what you and Dad did. I'm...furious, and disgusted, and there's going to need to be a conversation at some point. But we've agreed to keep things calm and civil in front of Noah. None of this is his fault."
Olivia nodded. "Ok. That's all I ask. I don't want him to suffer because of everyone's feelings about me."
"Glad we're on the same page."
Elliot couldn't wait any longer, so he left Noah waiting by the door as he joined the girls in the kitchen. "Everything ok?"
Olivia forced a smile. "We're good. Just…making sure we have an understanding."
Elliot wasn't entirely convinced, giving Maureen a look before following Olivia back to the front door.
He decided to walk Olivia and Noah out, needing to prolong their time together as long as he possibly could. He gave Noah a big hug before helping him into the car.
"I'm glad you and Mom came over, Noah. This was a really great day."
Noah looked up at him with a sleepy smile on his face. "Me too, Elliot. I'm happy I have a big family now."
"Me too." He kissed Noah on top of his head. "I'll come see you as soon as I can. Goodnight kiddo."
"Goodnight Elliot."
When he closed the door, his attention turned back to Olivia. "Are you ok?"
Olivia shrugged. "I don't know, Elliot. It's just a lot."
Elliot's hand lifted to cradle Olivia's cheek. "I know, but I really, really appreciate the effort you're making to let me be a part of Noah's life. It means the world to me. I love him so much already. I know all of this is hard and uncomfortable for you, and I don't deserve any of what you're giving me, not with the way I treated you, but I'm so grateful." He stopped, tears coming to his eyes. "It's everything, Liv."
She nodded, unable to speak as her own tears fell. Elliot pulled her close, allowing her to shed a few tears into his chest.
"Can I come see you two tomorrow?"
"Yeah," she whispered, pulling back.
Elliot gave her a small smile. "Thank you. I'll check in tomorrow and we can figure out dinner."
"Thanks." Elliot opened her car door for her, and before she got in, Olivia turned back to him. "Thank you for loving our son." She leaned in and gently pressed her lips against his. "Goodnight Elliot."
Elliot stood on the sidewalk until Olivia's car disappeared, stunned by the kiss. He had no idea what the future held, not for him and Olivia, for him and Noah, or for him and his other children. But tonight, tonight felt like the beginning of something great, something beautiful, and with thoughts of what could be, Elliot made his way back upstairs to where his big kids were waiting.
He could only hope they'd all feel the same way.