CHAPTER 2

I was five years old the first time I truly remember Dad leaving. He had come to visit Mom and subsequently me, he had stayed for about a week. In five year old terms that meant a long time but looking back now I can see that it was just a blimp. When Mom was working he would pretend to be a "Dad"; playing with me on the grass by our shed, attempting to color in my princess coloring book. The minute Mom came back from her shift he would focus on her and I would be left to fend for myself.

Mom hardly noticed, I don't think it was a conscious decision for her- she was so used to being around a kid all the time that she latched on to adult interaction. I couldn't fault her for that. Still though it hurt to know that my Dad didn't really want to be there for me as much as he wanted to try and win my Mom's affections.

There's a hazy memory I have- I was laying in our bed, Mom and Dad were outside sitting in our little plastic chairs. They had the door open in case I needed them but I don't think they noticed that they could be overheard by little ears.

"Lor, c'mon Richard and Emily said that they would adopt her. We could still go to Europe, there is so much left for us to see! Why don't we leave her with your parent's go back to being kids."

"It's not that simple Chris- she's my daughter, by leaving her with my parents what does that say about me?"

"It says that you want more from your life than being a maid and mother. Let's be honest Lor did you even want kids?"

"I hadn't really thought about kids Chris, I was too busy trying to make sure I was passing calculus!"

"Exactly! You were so focused on school that you barely experienced the outside world. Lor, you have so much potential and you are wasting it all by being a maid and playing Mom!"

"Don't you dare-"

"I am not saying you're a bad mom Lor, I am just asking you to think about what you really want out of life"

"Chris, sweetheart I am not you, I don't need to flit off and see the world right at this moment. My time will come and when Rory is older I can share that experience with her. Do I wish that I had her later in life? Sure! But this is how it happened. I need you to understand that"

"I think you're being short sided. We could see the world, the two of us. Visit Paris, see Big Ben! We are two young adults Lor, we are meant to see it all not being stuck in this little town."

"I will travel, Rory and I will go once she graduates high school."

"So you're going to wait 13 years to truly live your life?"

I remember the conversation well for being only five. It was one of those things that sits with you, helps you formulate your decisions as you grow up. When Dad left the next day he patted my head but wouldn't truly look at me. It would be three years til I saw him next and another four after that. There would be sporadic phone calls in between. He would call the week after my birthday to wish me a happy birthday. Christmas cards would be sent to "Lor and Lorelai", there were never any heartfelt messages for me like he would leave Mom. It was the norm, and then he showed up when I was sixteen and inserted himself into our life.

All of a sudden he was all east coast, wanting to sleep on our couch and come to family dinner. Introducing me to his parents for the first time in my sixteen years. Again I shouldn't have been too terribly shocked when he didn't stand up for me at that dinner but then again how can you stand up for your child when you barely even know them. I learned that his visits were always scheduled with some ulterior motive to try and capture Mom's attention.

The sick and quite frankly annoying game of cat and mouse finally came together my senior year at Yale. Mom dumped Luke and then in the same breath grabbed my Dad who was only too eager to fulfill her need for a warm body. I remember calling Logan after they announced their elopement. Truly disgusted I vented for what seemed like hours as he just listened while I cried and yelled in the comfort of my little Prius conveniently parked in the Chilton parking lot. Logan soothed me as I explained my frustrations, how I just knew that this would end poorly and how I just wished he would disappear again.

Then three weeks later Logan came back to New Haven. He disguised it as a business meeting but deep down I hoped that he came back to make me feel better. Except he hadn't.

I can still remember him walking into the apartment flanked with Colin and Finn; they had been out drinking down at Rich Man's Shoe. He had said he wanted to be local and had convinced the guys to come down from the city to join us. Both had volunteered to have us stay at their places but Logan was adamant that he wanted to be in New Haven. I was walking out of the bathroom already in my pajamas when they entered the apartment. I could tell they were all plastered but not to the point of blackout- just enough where they were more boisterous and jiggly.

"Ah mate, your shelia is looking lovely this evening." Finn clapped Logan on the back and made his way over to give me a hug, "It has been too long Love! You must come visit us in the city once this old sod has left again"

I giggled and hugged Finn back, "Oh that would be fun! Maybe we could go see a show?" Out of the friend group Finn was the most likely to sit through a broadway production, Logan had a tendency to fall asleep once the lights dimmed and well Colin was too pessimistic to enjoy the idyllic plot lines and songs.

"Of course darling!" Finn squeezed me to his side

I looked over at Logan and noticed him staring out the window, he looked completely lost in thought. Slowly as not to startle him I made my way over and placed my hand on his arm, "Did you have a nice time?", he nodded in response, still staring out the window, "Can I get you anything? I think you have some Wild Turkey in the bar, I can make drinks. Mind you they won't be as good as down at the pub, but I tend to pour heavy handed." I try to make a joke but still am met with no response.

Glancing over my shoulder I look to Colin and Finn who are watching our interactions

with mild interest. "Is everything okay Logan?"

"I can't do this", he whispered

"You can't do what? London? I mean I know it's far away but Colin and Finn can visit you I'm sure and you said that we would spend Christmas there- you wanted to show me that bookstore by your house remember?"

"Definitely mate!" Finn chimed in, "You tell us when the Dark Lord isn't there and I will gas up the jet!"

"No" Logan starts violently shaking his head and turns to me, "I can't do this"

My stomach drops as I look into his eyes, I knew he was unhappy but chalked it up to being overseas. Away from his friends, his sister, maybe even me. I didn't think the long distance was really all that bad. We talked everyday, texted at all hours day and night. I was even setting my alarm to make sure that I was still awake when he was just waking up.

"I don't understand", I notice that he has shaken my hand off his arm and has taken a step back. He's already putting distance between us.

"This, us, long distance- I can't do this." He turns away and I am stunned

"Can't do this? Can't do this! I don't understand when you left you were begging me to ask you to stay." My mind is reeling, this can't be happening.

"London isn't so bad, when I focus on the work I'm actually really good at it. I could see myself over there for the long term."

I nod my head and brace my hand on the table next to me, I look down and see a photo of us from last year. He had taken me to the Stamford Food and Wine festival. We had spent hours walking around sampling different foods and then finally I had convinced him to take a picture together in front of the giant grape statue. In the photo he is holding me piggy back style, smiling at the camera while I am leaning over his shoulder kissing his cheek. We look so happy.

"Right, the long term and you wouldn't want me to anchor you back to the states"

"Rory, that's not-"

"Already back to Rory huh? Well that didn't take long." I turn around and make my way to our- his bedroom. I grab my suitcase and start filling it with my clothes. I'm not paying attention to what I'm grabbing and I am definitely not paying attention to what condition they are being put into the bag in.

"Rory- Ace, stop what are you doing?"

"You don't expect me to stay here do you?"

"Why wouldn't you?"

"Logan this is your apartment, it's not mine so if we are not going to be together it sure as hell makes no sense for me to stay here!" I slam my suitcase shut and move to the bathroom, quickly grabbing the essentials and leaving anything that could easily be replaced. "I am not going to stay here, do you think I would want to live where my ex-boyfriend lived with me? Where I thought we were building a life together? I mean hell Logan I thought that you would come back and did I think we would always live in New Haven? No! But I thought this was our stepping stone!"

"That's why I can't do this"

I whip around and notice that Colin and Finn have followed us into the bathroom. Logan has propped himself against the shower doors while I am now using the bathroom sink to help me stand up.

"Excuse me?"

"I found myself looking at engagement rings two weeks ago, I was inside a jewelry shop on Bond Street and found a ring that automatically made me think of you. It was perfect and I bought it. I packed it away and as the week went on I realized that proposing is the next step for us, and I felt prepared. I know I love you but- I don't know how to explain this Rory but I'm not ready to be married!"

"And you think I am!" I blow up, throwing my hands in the air, "You think that with everything going on right now I want to get married! For fucks sake Logan my parents just eloped without telling me, my half sister is currently sleeping in my room; which by the way has been painted bright fucking pink. All my stuff is in the fucking garage- you think right now I want to add an engagement to all this fucking shit. I can barely look at what is going on tomorrow without hyperventilating." I turn around and grab at the sink with both my hands and take calming breaths, he taught me this tactic of coping which just pisses me off more.

"Rory, I just think some space would-"

"Don't you dare." I interrupted him, "Don't you dare finish that sentence. I swear to God Logan if you are about to tell me that space would do us good I will never speak to you again."

"Rory-"

I turn around and face him again, he looks tired, so tired, "So this is it then? You're breaking up with me because you don't want to get married and or the fact that after a month of living in London you've realized that it is the place you want to be. Nevermind your friends or your family." I nod my head and go back to grabbing my toiletries, throwing them into my duffle bag, "Well then, I hope you are able to transfer the ticket you bought to Honor seeing as I won't be coming."

"C'mon don't be like that Rory." Logan takes a step forward and reaches out, his eyes are glassy from drinking.

"How long have you been planning this?"

"What"

"How long have you been thinking you want to break up?"

"Rory-"

"How long" I turn to face Colin and Finn who look completely bewildered, "Did you two know? Did you know when you came over last week to check on me? Were you checking on me because you thought I had been dumped?" They shake their heads in the negative.

I look back at Logan and feel my heart breaking, and it is in this moment that I realize just how much I love him. Because out of all the break ups I have been through and the disappointments this one hurts the most. Grabbing the now full dufflebag I push past Colin and Finn and make my way back to the bedroom to collect my other suitcase. Attaching the duffle bag to the handle on my rolly bag I grab my sweater and plow through the rest of the apartment looking for anything else I should take with me.

On my way out I absently grab at my books and the few photos I have sporadically placed around the apartment. I can hear the boys following me and I am trying not to cry, really I am but this is going to break me. At this point I am on autopilot, moving without thinking, just going with whatever is currently on my mental to do list.

"You don't have to leave, the apartment is paid for the whole year."

I abruptly stop and drop the picture frame I had been studying. Turning around my eyes cut straight to his, "Well then you best contact the super, see if you can get your money back. Or hey! Why not sublease it, I suggest taking your valuables with you unless you want to just replace everything but then again you're going to be replacing me so it must just be the new trend in London. You know the whole out with everything old." I turn back and make my way to the door. Suddenly I stop, my hand on the door handle and I take a shuddering breath. "Just chuck out anything I've left, it's not like it really matters now does it."

I take the apartment key off my key ring and place it on the dish; that I had bought; and open the door. Pausing for one last minute I take a breath, square my shoulders and heave my bag through the door. It isn't until I get into the elevator that it hits me fully and I sink to the floor and cry. The doorman finds me there twenty minutes later and helps me load my things into the car and bids me farewell.

He called a few days later. I had been staying on Olivia and Lucy's couch, we had been watching a movie with tons of ice cream. Lucy had offered to answer the phone but I declined and instead turned my phone off. A few more days had passed, I had spent the days screening his calls and moping on their couch until they explained that really their dorm was supposed to only be for two people. That lit a fire under me to find housing for the rest of the year.

Paris' apartment was not an option, she had really never gotten over the "betrayal" of my becoming editor. Things had just been tense. I thought about commuting from Stars Hollow but with Dad and Gigi at the house it would be a tight squeeze. I had been back a few times since his move in and it just didn't feel like home anymore. The pool house was an option but that would involve needing to inform Richard and Emily of the break up. However it did seem like the most reasonable option. So once again I packed up my belongings and found myself in the arms of my grandfather crying.

He held me as I cried and explained how Logan and I had split up, how Dad had moved in with Mom and had repainted my room. How Olivia and Lucy could only have two people in their dorm and that Paris was an absolute last resort. Grandpa had soothed me and conjuled me, saying how stupid Logan had been and that I would be welcome to stay in the pool house again. He volunteered to explain these new happenings with Emily and I eagerly took him up on that offer.

Which explained how I woke up from a nap with Emily sitting next to me offering to have a movie night full of candy and ice cream. It was the first time that we had all sat together and watched a movie like this since I was in high school and they turned the living room into a movie theater. This was much more casual, Grandma and Grandpa actually wore their pajamas and ate ice cream straight from the tub!

A few more days had passed, Finn had taken up calling me now and after four ignored calls I finally snapped and answered.

"What do you want, Finn?"

"Love, we have been trying to get a hold of you! There has been some sort of misunderstanding-"

"Misunderstanding!" I interrupted him, "How can I misunderstand my boyfriend saying he doesn't want to be a boyfriend! Saying that he doesn't want to come back to the states, that he is in love with his work and that he doesn't want to be tied down. Which by the way I never once said I wanted to get married!"

"I know Love, but he had been drinking"

"Really! I had no idea, well that makes this all so much better doesn't it. My boyfriend comes home drunk and explains just how much he doesn't want to be in a relationship. Finn just tell me why you called so I can hang up."

"He wants to make sure you have all your things" I hear Colin call out in the background

"Shut up! I am trying to talk to Mother! I want her and Father to work this out!"

"C'mon Finn give it up you know it's over"

I listen to them bicker back and forth and if the topic was anything else I would probably be laughing.

"Look Finn, I am really sorry but I have to go. I already told you that anything I left behind can be chucked."

"But Love, what about your books! Or your jewelry! Or your shampoo!"

"Finn, I can't go back there. I just can't."

"Well let me bring it to you!"

"Finn, I can't see you or Colin either."

"But why!"

"Finn", there is no response and I take a steading breath, "You three have been best friends since diapers. I have heard the stories. Do you think it would be fair for me to try and hold some sort of claim over the two of you. Do you think its fair to me to inadvertently hear about the hook ups or the new girlfriends? No. I can't do this Finn- it is killing me and I can't do it." I take a shuddering breath and look up to the ceiling. "I need to focus on finishing school, then I need to find a job. I need to move on Finn- he's probably already back in London bedding new girls."

"Rory-"

"Finn, just look out for each other okay?"

"Mother"

"You'll need to find a new mother now", I hang up and start crying all over again. I hadn't realized Grandpa had come into the pool house but soon enough I was enveloped in his arms as his hands drew circles across my back.

Mom found out about my moving back to Hartford a few days later. She had noticed me use the side door to enter the main house for Friday Night Dinner. To say she was peeved was an understatement. Her, Dad and Gigi sat on the couch across from me as Grandma and Grandpa sat in their usual chairs.

I listened as Grandpa caught them up with my moving in the break up, all the while I studied the pattern in the carpet. Silence fell over the room as the story concluded. Mom abruptly stood up demanding to know why I hadn't come back to Stars Hollow. When I explained that there was no room for me in the house anymore she gave a remorseful look. Dad offered to convert the garage which was met with laughter from Grandma until she realized he was serious. Then came the slip up, Mom was expecting a baby- they would be moving out of the house anyway.

Tears pooled in my eyes as I looked towards my mother, she was staring into her club soda- a giveaway if I had been truly paying attention. Dad sat there with his arm slung around her shoulders giving the details of the baby. Apparently they were two months along. Two months and she had decided to tell me with my grandparents, as an accident. Grandpa caught my eye and gave me a brief nodd. Slowly I stood and offered my congratulations and fled the room. Behind me I could hear my mother yelling, I could hear Dad trying to calm her down, saying it wasn't good for the baby. Gigi started crying right when I exited the french doors. I didn't stop until I reached the pool house. Quickly locking the doors and pulling the curtains shut. I kept the lights off as I made my way through the pool house and into the bedroom, finally making it to the bathroom where I shut the door and turned on the light.

It was then I realized that I was hiding. And that caused me to cry harder. I was crying for the loss of my relationship, crying in anger towards my father for taking my mother away, crying in anguish towards my mother for keeping her pregnancy from me. A few hours later Grandpa found me in a ball sitting next to the tub. It hit me then how many times this strong man had to witness my tears. I sobbed apologies into my hands as he rubbed my back.

"Lorelai Leigh Gilmore don't you ever apologize for being sad. You take your time and when you're ready I have a pizza waiting for you on the counter."