Nothing. I couldn't feel my fingers as they rubbed against each other, forming a fist. I couldn't feel my hair being pulled back as I fell. No wind whistled by my ears despite the pressure in my chest.
The muted spiritual pressure of Kisuke wrapped around me, seemingly growing larger than life in the dead dark.
"No!" I screamed out, striking blindly. A high-pitched noise sounded off, and light shot into my eyes. Hands flying up, I cradled my face as I readjusted.
Feeling something soft press against my legs, I felt around as I opened my eyes. They burned as if looking through smoke. The air is dry, I realized as I took in a western-style bed under me.
No…It can't be! Head on a swivel, I took in the tan walls, the powder puff pink duvet, the fancy writing stationery on the gray desk, the white drawings taped up over the window behind me.
Rushing up, I tripped over my own feet as I threw the closet open. There, posted on the back via glue, was a poster of the Milky Way. My poster of the Milky Way. I got in trouble for that one, I faintly remembered.
"I'm…home…?"
"Ichi-nee! Sis! Come get your lunch!" a familiar small voice called from what I remembered being the bottom of the steps. Slowly reaching up to cup my mouth, I made sure to keep my scream silent this time.
"Hey! Going to stay in your room all day?" An annoyed voice knocked on my door, startling me. Who's that? I puzzled. I didn't recognize the reiatsu or the voice. Yuzu—my pain wavered like a sunbeam—had called him too, though.
"N-No!" I scrambled, clumsily going to the door and almost throwing it open. My head instantly shot up as I took in the orange-haired teen before me.
"Then come on. That's the second time Yuzu's called us." He sounded gruff, with a frown on his face. He started to walk off, yawning
"Thank you, Ichi-nee." Feeling awkward, I copied his nickname.
He looked back at me like I had just physically pained him. "Ichigo's fine." He surprised me with this. "You sound exhausted. I bet all that travel was hard. Do you want me to bring your lunch up?" he asked, scratching at his arm as he frowned.
"Uh…sure. Thank you." I tipped my head politely, confused, as he waved me off.
"We're family. Don't be so polite!" he admonished me, making me blink in surprise. I stared at his back as he walked down the stairs.
The third step from the bottom gave off its classic groan under the weight, and I felt my heart swell painfully. Whirling around, I slammed the door shut. I let myself sink to the floor of my room with my back rubbing on the cheap wood, the space I once missed and longed for now looming above me.
One thing is for sure. I was home.
But who in the world is Ichigo?
X
The bathwater was warmed by mechanical means. There was a small panel on the side where I could adjust the temperature and the bubbles. There was a small indent from where I had played too hard as a child with a toy truck and bashed it.
My legs were curled up to my chest, the bubbles on maximum both for comfort and to create some white noise. I could hear the TV on downstairs. The bell to the clinic echoed around our house occasionally from the doorbell speakers, alerting us as the regular shipment of supplies was received.
I think the TV was playing Pokémon, my childhood favorite. It was something that Karin and I enjoyed together.
Holding my nose closed, I dunked my head under the water and held it under. My hair swirled around as bubbles got caught in the shell of my ear.
I'm home. My family is here. And I have a younger brother named Ichigo.
After hiding away most of the day, I had been able to find something resembling a planner that I didn't recall. It had showed me that I had spent the last three years away from home with very little contact. I had come back to work as a freelancer.
But as a freelancer doing what? That, I couldn't find yet.
Maybe it's some kind of a cover to come back? Shiro asked tentatively. I could feel that she was as equally shocked as me.
Coming up for air, I cleared the water from my face and ran my hands over my wet hair. It's possible, I agreed. Japan was notoriously hard to get back into once you left for so many years.
Holding my hands under the water, I formed a silent seki barrier and tried to pressurize it to remove the water to distract myself. While I had just been able to enact my revenge only to get thwarted, I couldn't deny the comfort that being home gave me. It had been decades.
Checking on my reiatsu, I reined it in even further. It seemed to automatically want to relax here, to permeate the house as it had growing up. No, it would be too much to have my power open and casual when Ichigo keeps his…everywhere. Luckily, instead of forming cobwebs like mine, his almost seemed to purify the air, a strong, warm sensation flooding the house.
Although…Dipping my focus into Ichigo's room, I could feel a familiar white, cold presence. That's certainly a development. When Rukia had been here before under the guise of abandoned parents, she had stayed in the empty room that Ichigo now lived in.
Will she remember us? Shiro asked hopefully. I kept a cautious wall around my heart.
I hope so. Finality rested in my thoughts. But we know that that mistake makes us jump around in time. It's possible that…she doesn't know us, I thought morosely. The thought was upsetting, but I h ad to be realistic with how many years we had spent away from her. My heart no longer ached like it did.
Shiro, feeling a bit down from this, slunk deeper into me to hide.
I turned my eyes to the asauchi on the vanity. "What about you?" I asked it, hoping for a response. "How do you feel about all this?"
Nothing.
X
Touching the top of my head, I gently observed the full pain. Did I hit my head? I wondered quietly.
Setting that aside for later, I peered down at what I had found. Small notes were laid out in front of me, some moth-eaten scraps of paper and others whole, ripped out notebook sheets. Carefully, I started to piece them together.
A note on where the plane ticket was, a hotel address, the name of a singer, an appointment, something that had been circled and scribbled out.
'Don't be late!' stood proudly underneath the last note. Sighing, I leaned back. What in the world…? Closing my eyes, I let the information circle in my head.
A hotel, a plane, a few more hotels, Shiro began to list out. Ichigo's raised voice floated through our shared wall, immediately agitating me.
A circled date, some phone numbers…I could feel her counting her fingers as she muttered.
A sudden bang on the wall had me up and out of my seat. "What's he doing in there, skinning a raccoon?" I huffed. These new tight quarters would take some getting used to. Making sure my powers were reined in and invisible, my feet automatically found their usual spots on the baseboards on either side of the wall.
Scooting along with the element of surprise—Lord, I had forgotten how creaky the upstairs is in this house—I alighted in front of his door. Shiro giggled at me before reminding me that I could have used my powers to walk on the air. I waved her off.
Foregoing all privacy, I twisted the doorknob and threw it open. The light door bounced off the wall as I opened my mouth to start yelling and froze.
She was standing there in a stance, legs wide, hands on her hips, messy black hair falling in a classic part, big eyes looking ready to verbally attack someone.
Rukia. The morning fog that was her name stopped just short of my lips. Startled, she dropped the aggressive pose and started to turn towards me.
She doesn't recognize us, Shiro perceived the stranger, threat that glinted in Rukia's eyes, that we had long banished from her gaze.
" Hey! You can't just walk in here!" Ichigo was suddenly in front of me, trying to block my view as he threw his hands up.
"You sound like you're skinning a raccoon!" I pressed, the gentle fabric of the previous moment ripping. Frowning, my lips curled unpleasantly. "I'm going to tell Dad you're yelling at your girlfriend." I crossed my arms haughtily to cover up the odd feeling twisting in my chest before making a false move to leave.
"Wait!" he growled, grabbing my shoulder to pull me into the room before slamming the door. I found myself off balance from this and stumbled in. Rukia gave me a wide berth.
We all went quiet as Ichigo pointedly locked his door. Unsure of what to do, I crossed my arms again to gain some distance between us. This kid…he agitates me the same way Karin used to…Maybe we are siblings? The thought confused me further.
"So you have a girlfriend." I tried to break the ice. Unsure of what to say, I continued with what I had said previously.
Instantly, they both started spluttering their objections. "Okay!" I quieted them, holding up my hands. I felt somewhat pleased when they followed my authority, going quiet. "I won't tell," I decided. Rukia, she doesn't recognize me. Ichigo, I don't recognize him. Maybe I'm…not home? Somewhere new? I started to piecemeal it together. "But I want to know what's going on." At this I turned to Ichigo. I knew with how Rukia was suspiciously eyeing me that she didn't trust me. I knew that look, even after all these years.
Ichigo stalled. "Well, you see…" They exchanged a look.
I waved my hand. "Tell me the wild truth," I insisted.
Face firming as it turned from unsurety to resolve, Ichigo took a breath and seemed to gather himself. "While you were gone in America…something happened. We were attacked." In America? I mentally questioned. "By a hollow." I swallowed at this. Is this…what I went through? The idea had me wanting to take flight and run far, far away.
If this poor boy is living the life I once had…
"Ichigo…!" Rukia's firm voice interrupted him.
"It's okay, Rukia. This is my big sister." Something foreign in me warmed at the words. "We can trust her." Something in his voice made her still.
I was strangely jealous of him and their interaction. Squashing the feeling for now, I spoke. "You're a Soul Reaper, aren't you…?" The question was gentle so as to not frighten him. I remembered what I had felt like when I was first turned, how I was terrified of everyone finding out my secret.
Both of their eyes widened. "How did you know?" Ichigo asked, shock plain on his face.
" I've felt your reiatsu from when I came home." From America, I guess? "Your control is very lacking," I pointed out. It probably wasn't his fault. Before I had been forced to learn to manage mine, I had been as equally leaky.
"Oh…" He seemed kind of put off by this.
Curious for more, I asked, "How long have you been a Soul Reaper?"
Turning to Rukia, something passed between them. "A month," she spoke. Her voice pricked a chord within me, reverberating deeply with a painful familiarity.
"Right." Looking down, I gathered myself. This is exactly how it happened to me. My insides sank. "I understand." Going to leave the room, my head already full of itself as my mind buzzed white noise, Ichigo stopped me.
"Wait. You're okay with this?" Ichigo asked me. I looked up at him. His eyes were large and brown like my own. His positively orange hair was vibrant compared to my toned-down brownish red.
I shook my head. "I don't think I have much of a choice…" I sighed, his hand still on my shoulder.
"Hey…I've been meaning to ask you something." His lowered tone made me look back up at him from where my mind had wandered. I waited. "Why did you leave so suddenly? What did you and Dad fight about?" he asked slowly. I could tell he was choosing his words carefully.
I shook my head, the movement making me feel heavy. "I…" Trying to remember, I put a hand on my head. It's been so long! I spent so many decades alone…
My body wobbled, surprising me. Flailing slightly at the unusual feeling, Ichigo steadied me.
"Are you okay? You look like your head hurts. Was it the plane crash?" he asked, moving to have me sit at his desk.
"Plane crash?" my innocent voice asked and my large eyes blinked up at him. I refused to sit.
His face pulled in suddenly like he had said something he wasn't supposed to. "It's nothing," he suddenly assured me. Seeing my refusal, he took my small hand in his large one as he guided me out his door and back to my room. "Why don't you lay down for a bit? See how you feel in the morning." Confused, I opened my mouth to speak. Turning off the light and closing my door, Ichigo made a hasty retreat.
Plane crash?
Hey…Shiro spoke gently, aware of the rolling waves in my head. I think we might have run away.
X
I had just come downstairs for the day, knowing that I couldn't hide forever. Not with Trouble around. I eyed Karin as I reminisced her nickname.
They were so young. It conflicted with how mature they had been in my last memories with them. When I had left—been thrown far out into the cosmos—I had been so guilty over them. Truth be told, I was their major supporter. I was always in the front seat for Karin's sports. I was always the excited model for Yuzu's sewing experiments. I was always the first to suggest that we play a game or spend some family time together.
But I was also always the first to bring up homework, guide them to complete it, to walk them to and from school when they were even smaller than this, to take care of the paperwork for school, uniforms, and other numerous things.
I had felt so guilty that I was relieved I wouldn't have to care for them anymore. The dual feelings pushed together in my chest over the years that I spent alone. But now I was back, and I had a choice to make.
"Yuzu. Karin," I greeted them. The sun wasn't quite shining through the windows yet, instead playing coy with what would be left of Karakura's nightlife.
They sat at the table next to each other, bent over a textbook. Turning at the sound of their names, their eyes lit up.
"You're up!" They smiled widely, rushing up to hug me tightly. I put my arms around them, returning the gesture gratefully. They were smaller than I remembered them, but they were still my siblings.
Embracing them tightly, I let Yuzu drag out the moment while Karin started to squirm.
"I'm feeling a lot better today. My head was hurting yesterday, but it doesn't hurt anymore. Do you have school today?" I bent down somewhat while I talked to them. I didn't want to make them look up at me, and coming down to Karin's height to talk always made her less agitated. Yuzu had always seemed too mild to ever care for such things.
"Yeah! We were just studying English for the exam today. We're having some trouble with the Rs." I forced my face to remain open, hiding the small laugh I gave off internally as Karin fumbled the sound. This new, changed connection with my family made my heart want to positively sing.
"You lived in America! Maybe you can help us?" Yuzu asked, always polite.
Smiling, I nodded. "Sure," I agreed, enjoying how their faces brightened even further. "I think that'd be fun."
X
Soaking in the bath, I once again puzzled over my predicament. Bubbles caught in the bend of my leg, and the steam wrapped around my forehead.
I had been able to find more notes, some stashed in jean pockets and under a pile of hats in my closet. They led me down a now clear path.
I had run away to America. Taking my meager high school savings, I had waited until graduation before taking the first flight out of here that I could, Lost Oceanic Airlines' Boeing 777. There, I had spent some time at a private college with a scholarship, something called a Pell Grant.
All in all, it didn't paint a good picture.
" We need to see if she kept a diary like us," Shiro suggested from the other side of the tub. Our legs rested, entwined.
I agreed with her. "I don't think that this place is home." The thought made me clench slightly. I knew that the chances that this could be home were slim since I arrived in the past, so I had tried to avoid thinking about it as best I could. But now that I had allowed myself to consider the possibility that this was home, the floodgates had opened.
She slowly nodded. "Yeah…I don't think we'll be going home today." Looking towards the side, she watched the bathroom door as there was a commotion via Ichigo and Karin out in the hallway. "We've been in here for a while. What should we do now?"
I could tell that she wanted to hide away and process the nightmare that was happening to us. I reached inside of myself, looking for some of that single-minded goal orientation I developed in the Rukongai before JuushiroJushiro and Shunsui.
"We will"—I spoke slowly, forming the plan as I did so—"give it a week. I just need a week off. Then we'll…reconvene," I decided.
She looked at me unsurely. Putting my hand on hers, I tried to simultaneously assure her and recall her back into me. She returned easily, and I stood.
X
Dinner was picturesque. Ichigo and Karin fought while Yuzu tried to mediate. Isshin was absent for a second night, and I found that unsurprising.
X
A strange sadness laid like lead in my chest as I prepared for bed. The faces of my lovers swam before me. Shinji, Kisuke, Shunsui…I felt longing for their heavy hands, for the latter two's soft words and kind kisses.
Shinji had always been rough in a deeply satisfying, animalistic way.
He ignored you crying, Shiro pointed out. I didn't fight her accusatory tone. He didn't deserve someone like you, she insisted.
It's not like I had a choice to say no. Well, I did, I backtracked. But if I always said no, why keep me there in the Seireitei? Silence hung between us for a brief moment before I insisted, I was crying from pleasure with Shinji.
Shiro was quiet at this before offering a solution. Kisuke should be in Karakura right now. Shinji too, but…
Her suggestion made me stop short, the pajama shirt falling off the hanger anyway. "I should go see him?" I asked her out loud, shocked.
Why not?
H eavy handed, I ran my hands down my body and shivered. They were a pale imitation of his. I couldn't deny how the thought of seeing him again did things to me.
You don't have to sleep with people now, Shiro stated, surprising me. Don't feel obligated.
Silently, I slipped the pajama shirt on despite my body growing toasty. Her words were having an effect on me. She's right, I realized. I'm free now.
A strange emotion squirmed inside my chest, a pupa shifting inside its cocoon.
Kisuke was on the forefront of my mind as I lay down. The house was quiet in a way that reminded me of his chambers, the quiet crickets outside and the gentle night sky overhead.
Closing my window, I made a show of wrapping myself up in the plush blankets, the A/C in the house having kicked on some time ago. I had forgotten what it felt like to be cold at night, and I was in heaven from the feeling.
Gently unbuttoning my top, my hands traced downwards.
X
I was sitting in a plush blue seat. There was another seat to my side and in front of me. I knew somehow that there were seats behind me as well. Looking out the window to my left, I admired the approaching land.
We are going to be landing soon.
Shiro's happy uh-huh! told me she had missed Japan as much as me.
A bird flew by our window, startling me. No, not a bird.
Cramming my face in the window, my eyes widened.
The second engine cowling on the wing was on fire.
X
Gasping, I shot up. What was that!? Taking a few measured breaths, I put a hand over my heart as I reined the small leakage of my power back in.
Dropping backwards, I wrinkled my nose as I splatted into a puddle of sweat.
X
There was a strange presence in Karakura tonight. It wrapped around light poles, pulled at the cracks in the sidewalk, and whistled around corners. It made hairs stand up on the back of necks, and more people than usual checked behind themselves on well-lit streets.
Fine neck hairs stood up on both blonds' necks, small pulsations playing in their teas from the sudden black, almost cobweb-like reiatsu reaching out.
T hey sat together in a dimly-lit back room. A scrappy table sat between them, gouge marks from where it had been used a little too harshly. The hot and heavy air that was so common in Japan made their cool teapot perspire despite the lack of sunlight.
"She's back," the taller one observed, green and white hat perched precariously half on and half off the table. He adjusted it to a safer position.
"Yeah," the other agreed, minorly wondering if Kisuke was going to bring out the sake tonight. "She's been back for a while, though, hasn't she?" he asked, confused for a moment on why they didn't feel her sooner.
"She was in the hospital these past few weeks from the crash." Kisuke toyed with his paper fan, looking down. "But Isshin said that she's doing better now," Kisuke assured Shinji, seeing his brow furrow.
"You can't assume they're getting along now. Not after what happened," Shinji told him firmly.
Kisuke sighed but said nothing.
"That plane crash…do you think it was an accident?" Shinji asked again.
Flipping open his fan in his lap, Kisuke pretended to pick at its imperfections while thinking. "I don't think we can assume anything anymore, Shinji," he explained, deep voice straightforward.
Unsettled by his unusual bluntness, Shinji shifted. "She looked similar to her," he pointed out suddenly.
Kisuke shifted uncomfortably. The last time they had seen Isshin's daughter was when she had left after graduation four, almost five years ago. The last time they had seen her…
Snapping his fan shut with much more force than necessary, Kisuke used his tea to gulp down at least some of his scalding hatred for Aizen for the time being.
Shinji frowned. "Do you think—"
"She needs to live her own life, Shinji. It's coincidence," Kisuke insisted for himself. It had to be coincidence they had similar powers. It had to be coincidence they looked the same. The exact same! Kisuke thought.
"Coincidence, huh…?" Shinji postulated, brushing a few stray cobwebs away from his cup as they tried to reach into the liquid.
X
"I've been at a medical conference. I'm sorry I couldn't be here sooner. I…didn't realize that you were well enough to return home." Isshin spoke slowly, eyeing me up and down. We had surprised each other, him coming in the door and announcing himself loudly and happily before rounding the corner and seeing me. His face had fallen immediately. The twins in between us were quick to usher themselves upstairs and to their room. Karin was probably going to warn Ichigo on her way.
" I came home two days ago. I think." I paused, trying to remember. I tried to put a premature cap on my bottled temper. Seeing him again, especially with him acting like this and playing the part of a good father, had my brain confused with the previous him that I had known. I wasn't sure how to handle that right now. I needed time to process. I especially needed to know if this place was different than the place that I remembered in that way.
It still hurt too much to admit that this was not my world.
"You think?" he asked, confused. He gently put his briefcase down and shrugged the backpack off his shoulders.
Maybe he really was at a medical conference…? "I think I had a very bad head injury. I'm having a hard time remembering," I admitted. Truthfully, I had been having some trouble recalling basic things too.
"I see. I'm glad you're doing better," he offered. I hovered awkwardly behind the living room couch, not sure of what I should say.
At this point I wasn't even sure if I had much to say.
"I know that we have had a very bad relationship." He startled me with his honesty. "And I know that you have come back only to see your siblings. But if we can reconnect"—he looked me in the eye, but I wasn't sure if I could or was even willing to trust the earnest look on his face—"then I would support that."
Gulping down the feelings that I had not expected to address today, my head dipped down. I pushed my lips together as I contemplated what to say and how I felt. "I'm not sure yet. I need time to think about this."
I could see him deflate at this. Maybe he was thinking that I came here to take him back with open arms? The fact that I was gone for so many years…It makes me think that things turned out the same way here.
"Sorry," I told him roughly, pushing past him to make my way toward the door. I lifted his keys from where they were resting on the side table and dangled them. "Can I borrow these? I want to go out tonight."
Surprised, he turned to look at me. "Uh, sure. Why don't you take this too?"
I watched with surprise as he took his wallet out of his back pocket and took out a 5,000-yen bill. Handing the glossy purple bill to me, he assured me, "I'm not going to try and control what you do now. You're an adult now. Please be safe tonight."
I nodded, not sure how to respond to his sudden 'proper parenting.' Stuffing the note in the pocket of my casual red dress, I slipped on a pair of sandals that seemed to fit me before opening the door.
"Thanks," I said simply before closing the door, avoiding his look. Locking the door behind me, I slipped his keys into my pocket before I made my escape out the front gate.