X
"Found her," Shinji announced to the tense group as we returned. They seemed to be gathered around the couch, Kensei being the one in the lead.
Before I could blink, they all appeared in front of us. Flinching back at their proximity, I bumped into Shinji and flinched again.
"Are you okay?" Lisa asked, brows furrowed as she reached out, confused and worried.
"Yeah…" I murmured automatically.
"You don't look okay." Kensei frowned, looking me up and down.
"What happened, idiot?" Hiyori piped up in front.
I could only shrink away, hunching my shoulders as I took a half step back. "Uhh…" My voice creaked.
"She needs to get cleaned up. Lisa, can you help her?" Shinji directed, ignoring the inquiries as he folded up the umbrella and shook it out.
"Sure," she agreed, face smoothing out from the new duty. "You can use my restroom." She directed me, walking away so that I could follow.
"Right…" I awkwardly moved around the others, surprising them as I avoided any touching. Rounding the bend into the hallway that contained their rooms, I heard Hachi speak.
"What happened?" Concern echoed against the warehouse walls.
X
Lisa's hands were gentle as they scrubbed my hair. The lather was reaching down into my eyes, asking to be wiped at.
"When was the last time you bathed?" she asked gently behind me, mist from the running showerhead fretting across her glasses.
I had to stop and think. When I opened the briefcase? "It's been a while," I settled on. "I just…didn't feel like it." Sitting here exposed is something I would have loved before. Now I could only hug my arms around myself and shiver nervously.
Lisa was quiet as she worked her way through my long locks, now reaching half past my knees.
"Your hair's gotten longer." She examined it for knots. "It's strong," she observed, gently teasing one out despite it being wet.
"Thank you." I pulled my knees up to my chest before settling them back down so I wasn't exposing myself.
"Do you trim the ends a lot?" she asked, trying to make conversation.
" Eh…not really, to be honest. I just let it go," I admitted, my mind being drawn away from how uncomfortable I was.
"You're lucky. I don't think mine would turn out like this," she told me wistfully, rinsing it out with care.
I smiled slightly at her. "I think it'd be great," I tried to encourage her. Feeling something pushed into my hands, I looked down to see the vibrant green soap bar.
"I need to go start on dinner. I'll bring you a towel and clothes later," she told me, hand pausing on my shoulder. I listened to her bare feet pad away.
"Wait!" I stalled her as I heard the handle click open. I half looked back, holding myself as I turned around slightly. "Thank you," I told her earnestly.
Her glasses were completely fogged over, making her eyes unreadable. She gave a gentle smile and left.
Looking down, I let the warm water sink into my scalp as I stared at the small whirlpool above the drain.
X
"Here." Lisa produced a bowl of soup, something hearty with tofu, as I gently sat on the sturdy wooden chair.
"Thank you."
She hummed, her answer almost drowned out by the bickering of Mashiro and Hiyori and the deep voices of Love and Hachi.
I poked at the tofu, wanting to eat but unsure if I could get something down.
Becoming agitated, Mashiro began to pound the table, making everyone's food slosh.
"Hey!" Kensei reprimanded her, practically barking. "You're spilling food everywhere," he warned her, frowning.
"You're so mean!" she complained, throwing herself back into her chair as she pouted.
He shook his head before pinning me with a look. "And you!" He spoke firmly, making me flinch back. "Stop playing with your food." He pointed at my bowl with his spoon.
I flinched back at his tone and aggression, fumbling slightly as I spoke. "Sorry," I settled on, hunching over my bowl as I gathered some broth. I eyed him as I took a bite.
"Good," he decided once he saw. Turning his attention away, he started to pester Love about training again.
"How have you been, Koi?" Hachi asked next to me, sitting down and stirring his steaming bowl. I couldn't help but tense as he came too close.
" Oh, good…" I murmured, eyes sticking to the table in front of him.
"How are your studies?" he asked, surprising me.
"My studies?" I asked, finally looking at him.
He hummed. "I thought that your father said that you were attending a nearby college?" His eyes focused on something over my shoulder. "But I think I've remembered wrong," he corrected himself, confusing me. I blinked when he began to eat, our conversation essentially over.
Turning around anxiously, I saw an empty doorway and frowned. Turning back to my soup, I settled on a broth-only dinner for tonight as I picked around the tofu.
X
"We set up this room for you." Love walked in, pointing to the futon on the floor. "It was a little short notice, but I think it'll be fine for now." He gestured to the plank of wood boarded half over a broken window.
"Thank you." I hovered in the doorway. "Um…Love?" I asked, stepping into the room tentatively.
"Yeah?" He looked up from experimentally opening the dresser.
"Why can I see you?" The question hung heavy in my mind. Did I…die? The thought had dredged at my heels throughout dinner.
"We're wearing gigai," he corrected me, trying to look assuring and friendly.
"Why?" I asked dumbly, hands held together in front of me as I stood by the wall.
"What?" he asked as if confused. "So you can see us." He frowned. "Are you feeling okay?" he asked, deep voice going somewhat softer.
"Yeah. I'm okay," I answered automatically.
He nodded, and I knew he didn't buy the answer. "I'll be out there with the others if you want to join us." He dropped it for now.
X
A fine brush appeared on my bedstand overnight. Hair now dry, I began the slow process of detangling it. When was the last time I did this? I wondered as I slowly pulled apart small settled knots. How many days? Weeks?
My eyes picked at the room as my fingers worked. The window had been boarded up, but I could see a few splinters in the glass reaching up and over. Likely broken.
The floor had been swept, but there were small pieces of…something scattered about. The futon was plain, but comfortable. I think it might be the same one I had used last time. Last time…
S haking my thoughts as they dipped, I admired the walls. It looked like the drywall had been fixed in some places, but there were still small holes here and there. Maybe this used to be an office for the warehouse manager?
Brushing my hair back over my shoulder, I used the bedside table to stand. My back creaked, and I took a moment to steady myself. Okay. Day two.
My heart constricted at Shiro's absence.
I stepped out into the main area, trying to be as quiet as a mouse as I felt out what was going on.
Mashiro had roped Love and Rose into a board game in the corner. Both Hiyori and Hachi were excitedly and calmly, respectively, watching the first baseball game of the season. Hiyori waved her fingers and chattered every time someone struck out.
"Hey." Shinji's voice made me jolt into the air. I twisted around quickly, a hand over my heart as I tried to get my air back. He looked at me skeptically.
"Hi." I tried to awkwardly laugh it away, backing up a few paces to get some distance between us.
Frown dropping as he spoke, he held up a basket. "I'm going out for a bit. Going shopping. Wanna come?" he asked.
"Go shopping?" I echoed dumbly, not computing.
"For food," he supplied.
I looked at the basket again. "You might not be able to fit much in there."
He shrugged. "Thought it'd help with the bread," he guessed at.
I looked at him flatly. "It's probably better if I stay here."
"Huh? With these buffoons?" His remark went unnoticed by the easy-to-anger Hiyori.
"Yeah. I'm not feeling well," I confessed, putting a hand tightly on my stomach.
"Suit yourself." He slung the basket over his shoulder. He disappeared, and I had to stop from flinching at the sudden action.
I turned to the others. The couch looks comfier than the floor…
X
Hiyori rounded up the strike dramatically.
"She's being so dramatic!" Rose scoffed from the couch.
"She's always dramatic," Kensei corrected him.
"You're making me lose my focus!" she growled, knees dipping as she took on the proper stance.
The chunky figure on the screen, Matt, also wound up his throw. A sharp noise, and the ball was sailing through the air. "Curveball!" the game warned.
Confidently swinging the Wii remote, Hiyori completely missed the ball. "This game is shit!" she declared, throwing the controller on the ground while her character was ejected to the sidelines.
"Now, now, Hiyori, be gentle with it!" Rose picked it up, turning it over for damage.
She scoffed before disappearing, likely to blow off some steam.
I've gotten a bit more used to it. Them disappearing. We were on day three. The first two days had been awkward and difficult as I tried to stay back and hide in the shadows, going out of my way to avoid the men. But today I had willingly joined them somewhat closer to the couch. About two meters, to be precise.
"Hey." Shinji yawned behind me as he came up. I stepped to the side as he joined me to stand, but he still managed to brush against me. I tensed at this, my jaw locking briefly before I consciously let it go. Shinji didn't hurt me, I repeated that to myself.
He looked at me quizzically before snatching the controller from Rose. "If Hiyori's not going to use the rest of her turn, I will!" he decided.
Rose laughed at this, not bothering to correct Shinji that it was he who had stolen Rose's turn.
X
Three punctual knocks on my door. I looked up from where I had cocooned myself, surprised.
"Can I come in?" Shinji's voice, quieted by the long-winded sunset, floated under the thick wood.
I struggled out of my bedding, flailing somewhat as my book dropped to the ground. "S-Sure!" I resettled, smoothing out the plain black dress that Lisa had lent me.
He opened the door with a flourish, pausing when he noticed my red face and shifting fingers. "Are you okay?" he immediately asked, looking concerned.
I nodded, voice tight suddenly.
He took a purposeful breath, apparently making himself let it go. His voice softened. "I just wanted to make sure you're settling in okay." The shadows of the hallway reached farther into my room with every cautious step he took.
He paused when he saw my eyes dart to his feet. "So what happened?" He put his hands in his pockets, likely to stop his own fingers from worrying, as he slouched and paused.
"What happened," I echoed. He waited patiently for me to speak. "Isshin, he—" My voice broke.
Shinji went to take another step but stopped himself and retreated slightly. One meter, my brain whispered accusingly at him. I tried to push the reaction down.
" He hurt me." My hand slightly pressed into my ribs on one side before delicately touching my swollen eye. "I don't know why," I lied.
Isshin, falling back into his old ways, wanted me to parent his children so that he could disappear again.
Shinji was quiet. "It's not your fault, ya know," he said quietly. I looked up as he looked down. "You're not the one to blame here."
"I wish I hadn't given up my powers." I stared off into space, numbness seeping into me like a wet bog as I recalled my soul screaming. "There had to have been another way." My eyes burned wetly as I looked at him pleadingly.
He opened his mouth only to close it. Silence hung, a heavy tapestry between us. "I'm sorry," he agreed.
I buried my face in my hands, hissing as I shifted my bruised eye. "If I was strong, this wouldn't have happened." I shook with the thought, my tone not accusatory.
A hand on my head made me freeze.
"I'm sorry." His grip tightened, the waver in his voice mimicking the waves in my heart.
"Please stop." My anger streamed out suddenly, surprising us both. Cracking my eyes open to glare at him, he took a small step back in shock, hand dropping.
His face made me break down, little huffs of air escaping as I tried to hold it in. "I'm sorry…I'm sorry!" I brought my knees up to my chest in a desperate attempt to hide as I regretted my anger.
Ichigo…!
X
Shinji avoided eating with the rest of us, I noticed. Instead, I'd occasionally see him eating small bits and things when no one else was around.
So when he offered to take me to get sencha tea and lunch, I was surprised.
"Outside?" I looked out there nervously. The daggers from the sun made my eyes hurt.
"Where else?" he complained but still waited patiently.
"Sure…" I murmured, hand playing in a strand that had fallen free from my hair stick.
Folding his arms behind his head, he started to walk away before looking back. "What're ya waiting for? Come on!" he insisted, and I trailed along behind.
Too bright, I thought with agitation, shading my eyes with my hand. The outside world was noisy. In the past week I had spent at the warehouse, I had somehow forgotten that. People bustled around us as Shinji led us down side streets and alleys. Always in front, usually not looking back except for the few times I stumbled. I bet he can sense me. The thought simmered inside me, jealous.
"What're ya frowning about?" he called from ahead, making my frown deepen. How'd he see me from there?
"It's really bright," I remarked, raising my voice to be heard as we passed a busy pachinko shop.
He suddenly ducked into the shop, and I had to swerve to follow him.
"Here." He pointed toward a sunglasses rack, careful to give me a wide berth.
I blinked at him, confused. "I don't have enough for tea and sunglasses," I told him plainly. Money had been a big concern the past year for me.
He rolled his eyes. "Get whatever you want." He waved me off, stepping away to look over someone's shoulder as they gambled.
I leered at him before my hand skirted across the glasses, touching some slightly as I decided. "These," I chose quietly to myself.
X
We sat in a booth in the corner, potted plants affording us some privacy as they stood guard over our shoulders. I sat against the wall, but Shinji didn't seem to have any problem with his back to the mostly empty diner. I had slid to the very back corner of my half while he had stayed on the outer edge of his, one meter apart.
My overly large faux crystal-embedded sunglasses were pulled up on my head out of any temptation. I had rested them on the table originally, and Shinji had thought that they suited him quite well.
"I think it's been a while since I've been outside," I remarked absentmindedly, looking over the menu and pointing at some of the items as I considered them.
"Two weeks since ya moved in." Shinji flopped his menu over. I held a finger up to the call button and paused. "Ready," he confirmed, noticing.
I nodded and pressed it. "I didn't realize it'd been so long." I chewed the idea over.
"Lisa's gonna run out of clothes soon." He smirked, looking at me up and down.
"Ahh, yeah…" I agreed awkwardly, pulling in the slightly too small top. "I should get a job like Mashiro," I proposed. Not paying my own share with them bothered me deeply. How does she manage to work without papers?
"Nah," Shinji disagreed. "Just focus on yourself for now." Seeing the approaching waiter, he quickly flipped his menu back open to double-check before placing his order.
"A salad?" I asked after I had placed mine.
"You're not getting anything better," he teased. "Fried tofu for lunch…you're brave." He looked away as he smiled at his own joke.
I shrugged. "Just hungry, I guess." Eating had been very difficult for me since Aizen died. It was almost as if I wasn't burning the same kind of energy that I did before, so I didn't get as hungry. But the Vizards seemed to eat soup almost five times a week, strangely enough, and that was light enough for me to have a go at.
"I'm surprised you didn't go with soup." He pointed at one of my favorites on the menu.
"I think I'm ready to start on sandwiches again." I laughed. "More filling anyway." I rested my chin in my hand. "What about you?" I asked.
"Me?"
"No, him." I bumped my head to the side as I looked at an empty table.
Shinji followed my eyes and chuckled. "Guess I just like salad." He shrugged.
I smiled at him, acknowledging the small impasse we both had with food.
"Thanks for taking me out today." I tried to change the topic gracefully.
"No problem." He relaxed back, eyes closed.
I stared at him, unsure of myself. The light from the windows didn't reach us. Instead, the steady blueish light from the overhead lamps dappled his skin through his bangs, throwing deeper shadows into his short hair.
"Did it work?" I found myself asking now that we were alone. I didn't want to talk about it around the others just in case. I shivered, the thought of their hollows screaming, crying out inside them getting to me.
He hummed questioningly, eyes still closed as he leaned back.
"The idea I had," I reminded him.
His eyes slowly opened, and I saw that he was carefully choosing his words. "You don't want to live a normal human life, do you?" he asked slowly, looking down at me as he leaned his elbows onto the table. He was frowning again, his eyebrows drawn up in worry, concern, and tension.
"I never wanted that," I told him, suddenly stern. "That was a lie," I insisted, face heating up with my anger.
"I know," he said, a hand up to appease me. "I just…wanted to ask you myself." He copied my head in my hand as he looked toward the kitchen doors. "Sometimes simple is good," he soothed under his breath.
"For some people," I agreed vaguely, trying to take a deep breath to calm myself down.
I saw him look at me from the corner of his eye, assessing. Looking away, he seemed to think to himself for a moment. "Rose, Mashiro, and Kensei got it to work. And Love is working on it right now. It worked for them three," he explained.
I smiled gently. "That's good." Relief was audible in my voice. "What about…What about you?" I quietly asked.
"Ah, food's here." He made room for the plates, apparently not hearing me. I let it drop.
X
"Vodka?" I asked, confused.
The clear liquid was poured into the tea as the stall worker misunderstood me.
Shinji chuckled, taking a long drink of his own spiked tea.
"Vodka, it is." I laughed a little, accepting the extremely full drink. I sipped on it precariously.
"So what do ya do for fun?" Shinji asked as we stepped away from the stand.
"Uhh…" I thought it over. "I guess I like to window shop and go look at stuff," I proposed.
"Sounds cool." He slipped down the chintzy pair of green sunglasses he had apparently lifted at some point.
X
"This one's cute. Why not?" He threw it into the cart, making me blanche.
"Shinji, nooo, this won't fit!" I remedied it back to the shelf as I chose a larger one.
"Sorry, sorry." He tipped his head, leaning awkwardly to the side to snag a glance at the size I chose before he did a 180. "This one's you." He tossed in an even shorter dress.
"Shinji!" I blushed. "This doesn't cover anything!" I shoved the hanger back onto the rack.
"Come on, relax a little!" He hovered one meter away, crossing his arms. "I can't help you if you won't help you," he insisted, hip popping dramatically.
I huffed. "This isn't what I meant by window shopping!"
Ignoring me, he hooked the end of the cart with a hanger to drag the cart out of my hands. "That one." He used the hanger to point at a lime green dress as he indiscriminately threw something else in. "That's you." He sounded so sure of himself.
Giving him a look, he gave me an even longer one, and I relented. Picking it off of the rack, I sighed. "Fine. But only this one." I wagged a finger at the cart. "That is just way too much." Not giving him a chance to respond, I left to try it on.
X
"Shinji."
He grunted, looking down at his phone as he texted.
"I don't think we should have gotten those bonus drinks." I made a painful noise as I bumped my overly large bag against my bad ankle.
"I can take that," Shinji offered from where he walked one meter away, falling behind somewhat.
"It's fine." I tightened my grip on it.
"Probably not," he agreed about the drinks, snapping his retro flip phone closed. "But it's fine, isn't it?" he asked almost to himself.
X
"Here." Mashiro handed me the ice pack.
I sighed and put it on my forehead. "Thank you." I sounded pitiful.
"Hey, hey!" she whispered to me excitedly, a hand up to hide her lips from the others. I cracked an eye open to look at her. "Tell me how it went!" she whispered conspiratorially.
"How what went?" I asked, brain still addled.
"The date!" She fidgeted anxiously, crouching down next to me.
"Date? We're just friends, Mashiro," I corrected her. She pouted but was quiet for once. "We had fun. Drank too much. Went shopping," I remembered vaguely and pointed at the lumpy bags in the corner.
"Sounds fun!" she whispered, getting carried away in her own excited thoughts. "Shinji…Shinji was worried when you left," she brought up. What?
"When I left?" I asked, confused.
"Mm-hmm. For Hueco Mundo!" she reminded me, voice building louder the more we talked.
All the way back then? I wondered, taking a deep breath to try and calm my headache down. "That's nice of him," I settled on.
"Yeah, and he said that you need more sun! Too pale!" She stuck her tongue out at me, forgetting herself as she laughed.
"Hey, Mashiro!" Kensei's booming yell echoed down the hallway. "Leave her alone!" he yelled.
X
I couldn't see the green glow. I couldn't feel the tendrils of cautious reiatsu reaching inside me. I couldn't feel the small flickers of soothing emotions flowing across the connection.
I could feel my ankle pulsate in tandem with my darkened heart.
"That hurts," I whined somewhat.
"Almost done," Lisa assured me from where she knelt before me on the floor.
Biting my lip, my hands gripped at my bedsheets under me. I squeezed my eyes shut and tried to count mentally to distract myself.
"Done." Her chilly hands let up the slight pressure on my ankle, and I let out a breath. Looking down, I nervously flexed experimentally. "It should be as good as new now," she told me, standing.
"Thank you so much." There wasn't any pain for the first time in a few weeks. "I didn't realize that it hurt so bad…" Putting my foot on the ground, I tried a little pressure on it.
Lisa was silent, offering a hand to help me balance as I stood on one foot.
"Are you going to go back?" she asked, surprising me.
I frowned, putting my foot down but not letting go of her hand. Yuzu… Karin… I can't guarantee that he won't do the same to them but…
"I don't think I'd survive if I went back." My voice turned raspy as the emotions bricked up my mind. "I really don't."
Feeling a light pull on our connected hands, I gave in and my face rested lightly on her shoulder. "I'm so sorry," she whispered, holding me. "I should have been there." Her grip was warm, noticeably lighter than how she had held me before. Before, when I—
The absence of the unyielding black maw, pure void with sharpened midnight teeth, my zanpakutou, made me ache painfully.
"You're here now," I reassured her, my hands coming up to her back. "You're all here now." A sprinkling of remorse and vulnerability dashed down my face.
X
The next day, after having been mysteriously absent for a week, Shinji joined us for dinner. I poked at my light meal, fried tofu with plain rice, as I watched him plate himself and look around.
We were currently all spread out. Hiyori was growling quietly to herself; Mashiro, Rose, and Love were crowded around the TV; and Kensei was pensively chewing in the corner alone.
Song Sparrow eyes fell onto me as I tried to pretend I was reading instead of tracing him.
"Can I sit here?" He stopped in front of me. Three-fourths of a meter! my brain chattered anxiously.
I took a deep breath. "Yeah. Yeah, you can." I was willing to try it despite my shoulders prickling as he made himself at home.
"What is this?" He looked at the droopy rice, still somewhat hard.
"Hiyori," I whispered, putting my hand up to block her out despite the distance.
H e made a face before he tried it. I watched as he painfully swallowed it down. "Delicious." His head popped back up, a forced wide smile hanging on.
I laughed quietly, my tension easing somewhat. See? I put my book down and took a bite. You're not being hurt. You're okay.
"Aniara?" he asked, looking at the plain white cover. "That's dark," he remarked, eyes crinkling in a way I had come to learn was concern.
"I like it." I picked it back up, holding it against my chest as if to hide the sudden anger sprouting within me. "I think it's cool." I forced myself to deflate somewhat with a deep breath.
He watched me as one would look through a glass window. "That happen a lot?" he asked, seeing through me and into my heat.
I avoided his eyes. "Yeah."
He nodded. "It's okay to be angry," he spoke almost to himself.
I let the book slide down, no longer hungry. I looked away, frowning as I tried to keep it all in.
You're okay.
X
My busy mind had kept racing, Aizen's screams circling in my ears until I had relented to the bathroom to sit under the water spray.
My previously hot and cold emotions of the day had sunk away as soon as I sat on the bath stool.
Now my mind was blank, eerily silent against the backdrop of splashing.
My fingers were numb. They looked like someone else's hands as I slowly washed.
I watched the water circle into the drain, disappearing.
I felt nothing.
sorry i missed last week's upload. i'm a homeowner now! :) love u all