Nanao leaned on the railing of her patio, holding a cup of coffee in her hand. She closed her eyes as she let the morning breeze flow through her damp hair and onto her skin. A small smile crept upon her lips as she felt the cool breeze. It was almost relaxing if she wasn't so used to the summer heat already. She took a slow sip from her coffee, savoring the strong bitterness. It would help her wake up, and she needed to desperately wake up.
After four days of complete solitude, she forced herself to get out of her room and take a shower. To do something more than lay down all day and drift into a wave of emptiness. To eat something more besides saltine crackers and drink something that didn't consume alcohol.
It had been hard to come up with anything else that might make her feel alive again. She was going crazy being surrounded by nothing but thoughts of the night of the festival. By the feeling of betrayal and hurt that Mikey caused her. It was too much. That night was the first time in a long time she could not handle her emotions anymore.
She needed someone or something to ground her. But she had no one. No one that would be able to help guide her through the distress. She didn't want to inconvenience anyone. So she dealt with it by herself. Nanao couldn't bear the thought of talking about it with anyone else. She just couldn't do it. She could barely bring herself to think about it.
Just when she thought she was finally free of anything delinquent related and getting herself on the steady and healthy path of being happy again, Mikey comes and throws her back in it. All while making her feel guilty for what she had done. She shut him out of her life as easy as she let him in.
It sounded stupid when she said it out loud. None of this should be a big deal. She wanted to tell herself that she was just being overdramatic. She shouldn't be upset about any of this, but she couldn't help it. She tried to pretend that it was no big deal, but it was. She was tired of getting caught up in business that wasn't hers. Tired of being treated like shit just to make other people feel better about themselves. And if she associated herself with anything gang related, that's what would happen.
She sighed, taking another sip of her coffee as she pulled out her phone. She turned her phone off airplane mode, and she scrolled through the text messages she had acquired in the last few days. A few were from her boss texting her back, saying that she was allowed to take off. Some were from Emma asking her to call her, a few from Baji asking her why she didn't show up for practice, and to her surprise, she even had one from Draken asking if she was okay. And then there was that one text. The one that made it hard to breathe, and her heart raced every time she opened it.
...
Mikey: Please take care of yourself.
...
She closed her eyes as she held her phone in her hand. She wanted to text Mikey to tell him something, anything, knowing that he had been staring at his phone every 5 minutes for the last four days. But she couldn't bring herself to do anything, not even send him a "K" or tell him to leave her alone. And the sad part was she hoped her not texting him back made him feel the same way she felt every time she looked at his message.
She went to put her phone back on airplane mode when she felt it vibrate in her hand. Her heart quicked as she tried to guess who would be texting her. At this point, she hoped it was only her boss telling her she was fired. She didn't want to see anyone else looking for her. She didn't want to feel obligated to respond to anyone. But she closed her eyes with disappointment as she saw that it was a text from Emma.
Emma was the last person she wanted to talk to. Not only because she was close to Mikey and Draken, but because Nanao wouldn't be able to be strong. She would break down and show Emma just how weak she was.
...
Emma: I know you're going through a lot, but do you want to have our Sunday brunch? I really miss you. But if you don't want to, I understand. Just please take care of yourself.
...
Nanao bit her lip as her phone shook in her hand. Was it really Sunday already? She glanced back up at the message. She wasn't being fair to Emma. If anything, she was probably causing Emma stress. Emma needed to have a routine just as much as she did. It wasn't fair for her to ruin Emma's routine just because she was being selfish.
She looked down at the time. It was 10am. She sighed as she closed her eyes, trying to steady her hand. She knew deep down that it was only going to get worse for her if she didn't get back into a routine. If she was going to get back into some kind of normalcy, this was the first step. Nanao clenched her phone in her hand, taking three deep breaths before telling her she'd be there in an hour.
Then she set her phone down, looking up at the clouds that floated lazily above her. They were blue and fluffy. Like a perfect daydream, a beautiful fantasy. That was why it was so hard to come back out of her own head. Everything around her was just a dream. A mirage she could never reach. The only good thing about today was that she wouldn't be home to see whatever shit she would put herself in. At least not until later tonight.
Nanao sighed as she sat on the patio table, drinking her champagneless mimosa. She fidgeted with her fidget ring as she waited for Emma to come. She forced herself to come out and spend time with Emma, but she was hoping that Emma would have arrived first. Nanao hoped that if Emma was here, she wouldn't be contemplating about running off back home like she was now. She waited another 10 minutes only to stare at the text Emma sent her 10 minutes ago, saying she was 5 minutes away.
Nanao sat there, her knee bouncing with uneasiness, forcibly spinning the ring on her finger. Her breathing quickened as she felt her heart race. She franticly looked around, trying to find the nearest exit. She looked back down at her phone again. Emma was now 7 minutes late. She looked up again, trying to spot the girl but she couldn't find her instead she saw a woman make eye contact with her. Why was she looking at her? Were other people looking at her? Did they know? Did they know she was on the edge, on the edge of having a breakdown?
"Do you want a refill, ma'am?"
Nanao whipped her head around and saw the waitress smile at her holding the carafe in her hands. The woman must have seen the distress on her face as she frowned and walked closer to her.
"Um, ma'am, are you okay?" The waitress asked as she placed the carafe on the table, and at that moment, Nanao jumped up and threw down ¥1000 for her orange juice and ran out of the patio.
She didn't know where she was going. All she cared about was getting away from the fear coursing through her body. The fear of her body taking control of herself.
Nanao ran as fast as she could to try and calm herself down. Running from the thoughts of screaming and pain plaguing her mind. Trying desperately to stop the panic from rising within herself. The world around her turned a dark grey, and her vision blurred. Tears started to build in her eyes, her breathing became more labored. Everything around her seemed to move slowly, but at the same time, it rushed past as she sprinted towards somewhere. Something. A place…home. She just wanted to go back home and hide. She just wanted to run in, lock the door and hide in her room where no one could find her.
She wasn't paying attention to what was around her. All she could think about was how much everything was overwhelming her. How loud all the sounds around her were. How the people moved out of her way and yelled at her to watch herself. Why couldn't anything just go quiet? Everything she did just made things worse. Nanao kept running until she heard a voice. She froze as she heard her name being shouted again. She looked around, she ended up running to a park.
"Nanao!"
A man's voice shouted. Someone calling out to her. His voice sounded familiar. He sounded worried. His voice sounded close. She thought about running again, not wanting to be found by anyone, but stopped. It was too late. He was already behind her. Turning around, she saw him standing in front of her. It was Baji.
She watched in fear as he held his hands up to show he meant no harm and that he was trying to help her. Walking around a set of swings as she could hear the crunching of the pebbles underneath his shoes as he walked closer to her. He stepped forward cautiously but still kept a safe distance.
"Hey, it's okay," he announced softly in an attempt to keep her calm. Trying so desperately to get her to relax, but she didn't respond. Instead, she continued to stare at him with wide eyes, fear, and terror.
Baji frowned but noticed that she didn't walk away, so he slowly walked closer. Hands still in the air. He was careful as he approached her, not wanting to spook her even further. Taking another step, he stood directly in front of her. She didn't even react as he moved closer to her. She just continued to stare at him with wide eyes. His hair was wrapped around his face, his breathing was slightly fast from running after her, and his eyes stared deep into hers with nothing but worry. Tears started to gather in her eyes once again, but she still didn't do or say anything.
"It's okay. It's just me," he whispered quietly, trying to reassure her.
She nodded slightly to let him know she had understood him.
"Are you okay?" He asked cautiously, looking into her eyes, trying to figure out what was wrong.
Nanao didn't respond as tears fell, as she tried to blink them away but failed.
Baji sighed heavily before slowly taking her hand rubbing the top of it softly with his thumb. "What's wrong?" He asked, trying to make sure that whatever she needed, he was able to provide for her.
Nanao took a shaky breath as she tried to hold back tears, but they started to spill over from her eyes as she tried her best to fight against them.
"I...I don't know," she managed to cry out.
Baji stared at her for a few moments before moving closer to her. He gently cupped both sides of her face. "Talk to me. What is it?" He encouraged with a light smile.
Nanao shook her head as she looked at him. She bit down hard on her bottom lip and shook her head. She looked away from him, ashamed by how she was acting. She closed her eyes, took a deep calming breath, and wiped her tears, she sniffed before opening her mouth to speak, but as soon as she opened her mouth, she heard the loud sound of a motorcycle engine around them.
She jumped as the sound grew louder and louder. She covered her ears as she squeezed her eyes shut. A minute later, the engine died down, and the sound of the bike approaching them stopped.
"Hey, Baji, is that her?" She heard a boy behind her call out.
Nanao peeked one eye open, seeing two boys sitting on a motorcycle. One with short silver hair sat at the front, and another boy sat behind him with short blonde hair. Nanao blinked a couple times to clear her vision. Looking over to see the two boys watching her curiously, she had never seen them before, but it was clear that they knew who she was.
Baji pulled her closer to him, and he nodded at the boys, "Yeah, tell Mikey I've got her."
Nanao looked between the three boys standing next to her, her heart raced, and her breathing slowed. Her body went numb. She watched as the two boys began talking before riding away. She listened as their bike left them, and then silence returned.
"Are you alright?" Baji asked again softly, his voice low as he brought his right hand to cup her cheek.
"How do you know Mikey, and why does he need to know you're with me?" She asked, her voice shaky and small, almost breaking.
"Let's go sit on the swings," he suggested pulling her along towards the swing set.
She followed beside him and sat on the swing in front of him. He walked behind her as he gently pushed her. She sat there silently as she let him push her back and forth. Baji stayed silent behind her as he watched her and noticed that she wasn't crying anymore.
"I know Mikey because he's my friend," Baji explained after a while.
"Friend?" Nanao repeated, confused as she looked up at him.
"Yes," Baji answered, smiling at her, "and I told Chifuyu and Mitsuya to let Mikey know that I'm with you because he's worried about you." He explained as he gently pushed her, making her swing in slow motion.
Nanao sat there quietly, but she didn't say anything else. She thought about what to say next. "Why is he worried about me?" She asked him, sounding curious. She watched Baji from over her shoulder.
He smiled at her sadly, "Emma called him worried. She said that she was supposed to meet you for brunch. But she was late, and when she got there, the waitress told her that you ran off and left your phone. She got scared and called Mikey. We've been driving around looking for you."
"And...why did he want to find me?" Nanao asked, still feeling a bit uneasy with the situation.
"Because he cares about you and was worried about you," Baji responded.
Nanao nodded quietly and continued to swing. "So...um...if you're friends with Mikey, does that also mean..." Nanao started.
"Does that mean I'm part of Toman?" Baji finished for her with a soft smile. Nanao looked at Baji. He just laughed softly, "Yeah. I am. I'm actually one of the founding members," Baji explained as he continued to push her in the slow-motion swing.
Nanao put her feet down, stopping the swing as she stood back up. "I need to leave," she jolted with a shaky breath. Baji grabbed her arm to stop her from leaving. "I can't stay here with you," Nanao whispered, turning to face him.
"Why not?"
Nanao hesitated. She wasn't really sure herself. She just shook her head softly. "I just need to get away from here," she explained.
She started to pull herself away, but Baji gently pulled her back down into the swing, and to her surprise, she let him. He walked around and kneeled before her, placing his hands on her knees looking at her softly. He paused before speaking, "Mikey told me what happened at the festival."
Nanao looked away from his gaze as she shook her head. "Then you know why I need to get away from you," she whispered.
"No, I don't," Baji disagreed, "I don't understand any of this. Before this moment, did you enjoy being around me?" He asked softly.
Nanao hesitated a bit, looking over at him. Her chest tightened as she nodded her head.
"Hey, we've been with each other for a few months now. We've had good times together. We joked and laughed. I enjoy being around you. You're happy when you're around me, aren't you?" Baji asked her.
Nanao hesitated, looking away before she spoke. "Of course. I enjoyed being with you."
Baji smiled lightly as he nodded his head. "So why does me being with Toman mean we can't be friends anymore?" He questioned softly.
Nanao looked back at Baji. She then looked down at the ground. "I don't want to get hurt anymore," she muttered under her breath.
Baji placed his hand beneath her chin, tilting it upward. Her eyes shot up, meeting his. "Why would I hurt you?" He asked seriously but softly.
"Because that's what ya'll do," Nanao whispered softly. "Gang members don't care about anyone, but themselves and they don't care who they hurt. Whether it's mentally or physically. You don't care," Nanao insisted, shaking her head slightly. "You'll hurt me, Baji, if I stay around," she admitted, her eyes beginning to water with renewed tears.
"Y'all are only interested in yourself, so when you get bored, you go out of your way to hurt someone. You don't care who it is. You get off to the enjoyment of overpowering someone," Nanao whispered as more tears slipped down her cheeks.
Baji frowned as he moved his other hand to wipe some tears away from her face. "Look at me," he whispered.
Nanao looked up at him, and she could feel the tears falling from her eyes. Tears streamed down her cheeks as she looked into his beautiful eyes that glistened with emotion. His eyes searched hers before his expression softened.
"I'm so sorry someone hurt you. I'm sorry that something like that happened. But I won't hurt you. I promise I won't," he assured her. "I won't hurt you, Draken won't hurt you, Chifuyu and Mitsuya won't hurt you. No one will hurt you, especially Mikey," he added, trying to get her to understand the situation she put him in.
He gently brushed some of her hair behind her ear, "None of us will. The thing about Toman is that we all care too much about each other. We're a family. We don't go out of our way hurting people for no reason," he explained.
"The people that get ruffed up are assholes that need to be knocked back in their place because they think they can go out and hurt other people. We're not the ones going out and finding someone to beat up for no reason. We go out of our way to help people, and if it takes beating up someone in order to help them, then that's what we'll do. We don't do it looking for a favor in return. We do it because it's the right thing to do," he stated, his words echoing in her head.
"We all love each other, and we stick together for each other, whether we like it or not," he continued, "We all have each other's backs. That's what makes us Toman," Baji declared.
Nanao stared at him wide-eyed, unable to believe what he had just said. Was this true? Did they really help others? Did they really protect each other? It couldn't be true. Gang members are only in it for themselves, no one else. They strive off feeling powerful. They only do things to hold something against someone. To use them for later and have a reason to. But the way he said it. The passion behind his words. It made her want to believe him. So she was going to allow herself to believe him.
Baji smiled softly at her, trying to dry her cheek him his hand. He slowly brought his fingers to her lips, wiping away a tear that had fallen, "Do you trust me?" He asked her quietly.
Nanao paused, looking deep into his eyes, trying to find some kind of lie behind them, but she couldn't. So she swallowed nervously, nodding her head softly.
He gave her a warm smile. "That's good," Baji smiled gently. "Then trust me when I say we won't hurt you. Trust me when I say that we won't let anyone hurt you. Trust me when I say that Mikey will make sure you always feel safe. Because if anyone tries to hurt you, I'll personally kick their ass," Baji chuckled lightly.
"Thank you, Baji," she breathed.
He nodded his head leaning closer to her. "Promise me you won't run again," he whispered softly. She nodded her head and wrapped her arms tightly around his neck. They hugged silently for a few minutes until Nanao pulled away.
"Can I ask you a favor?" She asked softly.
Baji looked at her curiously. She hesitantly looked up at him, waiting for his reply. "What's that?" He asked curiously.
"Can I see Mikey?" She asked softly. "I want to apologize to him."
Baji paused for a brief moment before he nodded his head, smiling down at her. "Of course you can. I'll have him come meet us here," he promised as he pulled out his phone and started texting him.
Nanao nervously smiled at him nodding her head. Baji stood up and walked behind the swing and gently pushed her again as she began swaying gently in the swing. She closed her eyes, enjoying the gentle movement of the swing.
After a while, Nanao opened her eyes and looked over as she heard the sound of a motorcycle. She turned her head as the bike pulled up next to the park, and Mikey got off, walking towards them.
Baji felt how nervous Nanao was. He knew she wanted to talk to him to apologize for being upset with him, but he could also see the fear that filled her eyes and the anxiety she felt as she nervously bounced on the swing spinning her ring around her finger. He squeezed her shoulders gently. Gently shushing her. Letting her know she was going to be okay.
Baji glanced between the two of them and decided to step back, giving them space before turning around and going over to Mikey's bike. As he walked past Mikey, Mikey tossed Baji his keys. Baji caught them quickly with a slight smirk as he walked over and drove off.
Nanao watched Baji go, her mouth open and slightly parted, and then she took a deep breath and released the tension in her shoulders. She closed her eyes as she took another deep breath, taking in the cool air around her. When she opened her eyes, her eyes landed back on Mikey. He walked over slowly. His hair swayed around his face. He looked at Nanao worriedly but still held a smile. He slowly walked in front of her and sat down on the gravel facing her as she sat on her swing. She remained still, staring at him with uncertainty in her eyes, her lips slightly trembling.
"Hey, Princess," he greeted cheerfully but softly, brightly smiling up at her as if nothing had happened between them.
Nanao didn't answer. She stared at him for a second, not knowing what to say. She felt guilty remembering all the ugly things she said to him and couldn't bring herself to look at him. She closed her eyes tightly as she tried to hold back tears.
"Princess?"
Nanao looked up, startled as he called out to her once more. She slowly raised her gaze as she blinked her eyes a few times, trying to force the tears away. He didn't say anything else as she looked at him. He simply sat there quietly, calm and relaxed, his legs crossed, his hands placed on the side of him as he leaned back slightly as he gazed up at her. Letting her take over the conversation when she was ready. He wouldn't rush her.
After a few minutes of silence, she finally spoke up. "I'm... I'm sorry," she apologized, her voice breaking as she spoke.
"Don't apologize," Mikey responded calmly, looking at her.
Nanao frowned, looking down. She didn't say anything as she clenched her fists tight, feeling her nails dig into her palms, digging into herself, making tiny red marks on her palms. A few moments passed before she spoke again.
She looked up, tears falling from her eyes. "I shouldn't have yelled at you," she told him sadly.
"It's alright. You were scared and worried. It was understandable for you to react the way you did. I understand it perfectly," he smiled softly as he sat up and placed a hand on her knee, gently squeezing it for comfort.
Nanao shook her head. Upset by how calm he was. Annoyed by how he wasn't yelling at her or telling her how much he hated her. "No, I shouldn't have yelled. I shouldn't have accused you of doing something you've never done," Nanao argued softly. "I shouldn't compare you to someone you never met or knew or whatever," her voice rising.
Mikey's expression grew serious as he stood up and brought her head to his torso. His fingers gently running through her hair. "Don't ever apologize for protecting yourself," he advised firmly.
She narrowed her eyes as she pulled away from him before clenching onto his shirt. "You should hate me," she told him as her voice rose with frustration. He looked at her, gently shaking his head.
Nanao grew angry at his calmness and gripped onto him tighter. "Why aren't you yelling at me? Tell me how much you hate me! Call me a bitch! Call me a dumb whore! Tell me you never want to see me again!" She screamed at him as she slammed a fist into him.
Mikey simply shook his head, and he held her close to him, putting his fingers back into her hair. "Why don't you hate me! How can you be so calm!" Nanao yelled at him, her breathing shallow and shaky.
Mikey waited for Nanao to stop verbally abusing herself before speaking up. "I'm not mad. Not even close to mad. Do you hear me?" He whispered, gripping onto her tightly. "I will never be mad at you."
"But why?" She subbed into him, "Why are you treating me so nicely? I was such a bitch to you. Why are you treating me so nicely?" Nanao whispered to him, over and over again.
"You've been through so much, Nanao," he pulled her back, tilting her head. Making her look up at him. "You've been abused and traumatized. But you survived through it, okay?" He whispered as he gently ran his finger over the jagged scar over her eye.
"Don't worry, you won't lose me, Nanao. You won't lose any of us," Mikey assured her. "Not me, not Emma, not Draken, or Baji. None of us are going anywhere. You're stuck with us, Princess." He declared with a huge smile on his face. "And you won't be alone. Do you understand me?" Mikey asked her seriously.
She sniffled, wiping away the remainder of the tears from her face. "Okay," she muttered, her voice quiet.
"Good girl," he praised with a smile before wrapping an arm around her shoulder pulling her into him. "Are you ready to go home now, Princess?" Mikey asked her.
"Yeah. I'm tired. I'm hungry," Nanao confessed shakily against him.
"Then let's get you home," he suggested helping her off of the swing. Nanao nodded her head, letting him pull her arm around his arm. He held onto her and guided her back to her apartment, keeping his arm tightly around her the whole time.