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Chapter Five

The Pain

This stoic, collected Martian almost looks ashamed as he makes no attempt at blocking his thoughts from me.

It takes my breath away when I feel how equally affected he was by the moment. His thoughts swirling in confusion as he's taken by surprise by his sudden attraction to me, a reaction he never expected from himself for someone who looks nothing like the females of his race and is much, much younger.

My thoughts follow a similar pattern now that I have insight to his mind. Biologically all species are engineered to find their own species attractive, it is a fundamental requirement for the survival of a species. Therefore J'onn's self actualization is very accurate and raises a very good question about myself as well. Why am I feeling the attraction I feel towards him when he's clearly different in almost all the aspects I'm used to?

He's huge, he's green, he's red eyed and much older than me, his mind a pool of complex emotions that don't faze him as much as the simpler turbulence in mine unhinges me.

J'onn backs me into the side of the car, his body looming over mine as his eyes glint dangerously in the low light. His human eyes.

"Do not put yourself down, you carry a great burden for one so young." His voice almost growls, his thoughts expressing his displeasure at my lack of self appreciation.

Unfortunately, while my mind recognizes the repressed anger in his voice, my body responds to his proximity and low voice in a very female manner.

I watch the recognition of what he invoked in me cross his eyes as he takes a step back, providing me with enough room to breathe without being overwhelmed by him.

I blink up at him like a deer caught in the headlights, my heart straining against my chest, his eyes gaze on flushed face. My attention is caught by the steady up and down of his broad chest, my body yearning to be firmly held in his arms.

J'onn must have decided something while my mind was thus occupied for he presses me back into the car, his arm snug around my waist letting me fulfill my sudden touch crave. His massive frame ensures that I'm completely surrounded, my ear over his heart. My body relaxes, molding to fit the planes and angles of his dense body. He gently rubs my back, his large fingers splayed over my back as their warmth seeps into me, slowly easing me back to look down at my face.

"Let's get in the car?"

J'onn gets the door for me. Once we are shut away from prying eyes he drops his disguise gracing me with his red eyes. I start the car for my 45 minute ride, this time no uncomfortable silence between us.

There is a thin line waiting to be crossed. Neither of us wanting to be the first to cross it. He's a widower and I'm an unattached young girl at the highlight of my youth. Its clear from his thoughts that he doesn't want to betray the memory of his wife and I'm certain he can read my hesitation as well.

'J'onn, being here with you means a lot to me. We both know we can fill the blanks for each other...'

'There will be time for that.' He interrupts my thoughts with his own.

His mind supplies me unwittingly with his desire to consume me. The memory far too repressed to be clear has an underlying voice to it that is distinctly female and I know I shouldn't drag that one up so I let it bounce through without drawing attention to it.

My eyes focus on the road ahead as J'onn lets me hear his concerns and emotional turmoil.

"I have now spent many years on earth never expecting this moment." He turns to look at me as I glance over at him. "I can read what you want and how to give it but that is not what I wish for you."

"I understand what you mean J'onn."

"Yes you do, you have far too much experience for your years."

"You make it sound like a bad thing." I grin wryly at him.

"Perhaps it is a heavy truth." J'onn gently whispers it, his hand slowly tucking a few strands of my hair behind my ear. I lean into the touch, his warmth breaking my skin into goose flesh.

The rest of the drive home is spent in smiles and quiet thoughts, both of us reading things off each others minds instead of talking out loud. By the time I park the car and get out, J'onn places his hand on my shoulder, telling me to use the link if I need him before he presses another kiss to my forehead and steps back to be beamed to the watchtower.

At home everything is looking good, my sisters are back and entertaining themselves with the television. Mom has prepared dinner and dad is fast asleep. All in all, better than expected. I grab dinner and head for my room wanting to sleep a solid eight hours for once.

As I get ready for bed I wonder what J'onn is up to and I search for him in my mind. He appears to be in a conversation with a league member. Hmm better not disturb him, time to sleep.

For once I'm looking forward to sleeping and this time without tears, blades or guilt. Just as I feel myself falling into sleep, a baritone good night echoes in my mind.

The next morning I feel like a new person. Fresh, relaxed and happy. Searching for the Martian greets me with Martian words, conclusion: J'onn is asleep.

I hop, skip and dance my way through the day before my art knife catches my attention.

I carefully run the tip of my finger over the sharp edge, making sure to not cut myself for once. I can feel the gentle press of thoughts in my mind, meaning J'onn is awake, aware and concerned.

'I'm not going to do anything disastrous J'onn.'

'I am aware.'

'I feel oddly grateful to it, if it wasn't for that first night, I'd never have this.'

J'onn is silent as he looks through my mind while I carefully tuck the art knife into a drawer. We stay in touch throughout the day, each of us getting used to the other in our heads. Everytime I listen to his thoughts, I'm pleased to see how much the link is doing for him. It appears that his fellow superheroes can't place the finger on why J'onn is looking much more relaxed this morning.

'Diana is observant, would it offend you if I discuss this with her?'

'J'onn, I assure you, I would be honored.'

I leave him to his talk, going to catch up on my college work. Halfway through the day J'onn urgently tells me he's going for a mission.

'Be careful while I'm gone, if you focus on me and I am in pain, you will feel it too. Let me contact you when I return.'

'J'onn! Be safe.'

Its way past midnight before J'onn contacts me again. Time that I spent heeding his words, I've watched enough movies to know how unwise it is to go against such commands. Almost always, it results in the man having to suffer unnecessary trouble caused by one headstrong woman who thinks she's going to make it easier for him when she's clearly inexperienced and has no plan whatsoever except to get caught by the villains.

That is one thing I am not going to do.

'Are you well?'

'Shouldn't I be asking you that J'onn? Are you injured?'

'No. It was an easy mission. Why are you still awake?'

'I was worried..'

'You shouldn't have been, you need rest, it will be a few days before your body adjusts to the mental demand.'

'Oh... That explains why I slept a solid eight hours.'

'Indeed, you need to rest.'

'What about you J'onn?'

'My people lived with the Great Voice from an early age, what is new to you is normal to me. Now rest or your headache in the morning will be worse.'

My mind must've indicated how confused I was for J'onn gently hushes me and guides me to sleep.

The next morning J'onn's prediction was proved correct, I woke up with a massive headache. My temples pounding in protest as I sit up, feeling oddly disoriented.

'Good morning.'

'J'onn... Don't...'

'I did warn you. You need sleep, eat and spend the day in bed. It will only be worse if you do not rest.'

His voice carries a hint of pained amusement, the memory of his daughter as she underwent almost exactly what I am undergoing now brushes into his mind.

'J'onn..'

'Hush little one, sleep. I will be watching over you.'

When I awake once more, its well past mid day and my headache is gone. I inform J'onn as I devour lunch with new gusto.

'Feeling better?'

'Yes J'onn. How about you?'

J'onn fills my head with an image of strawberry tartlets held on a white plate.

'I have acquired a treat.'

I can't help the laughter in my head. This stoic, grave faced alien holding up sweets like a child.

'It was you who introduced me to these wonders,' he mock complains. 'Flash has been giving me the odd look ever since I bit into it.'

I choke on my lunch as I remember how J'onn got cream on his lip when he bit into the tartlet. I proceed to remind him of just that. It is a few minutes before he replies.

'I fear you were correct.'

The remainder of the day was spent with me catching up on sleep and telepathically talking to J'onn or listening to his thoughts. By the time night rolled in, we bid each other good night before sleeping. Sleep was fast becoming very important.

And thus began our new routine, J'onn telepathically communicates with me whenever he is free and I'm not distracted, I do the same, giving him privacy whenever he's occupied with any Justice League business. This followed for a week until three days ago, J'onn has been silent ever since. He gave me the same warning to stay away from actively searching for him and bid me to stay safe but I haven't heard from him since.

I've been turning the thoughts over and over whether I should disobey him purely for my peace of mind or if I should keep faith. In the end, the pain of not knowing wins and I close my eyes to focus on J'onn.

For the first time, hearing his thoughts are difficult, I can barely hear him as he's busy struggling to think. My body runs cold in fear. J'onn is in serious trouble. The next minute, pain shoots through my body and I collapse onto the floor, the strength in my body being sapped away.

I wake up an hour later to find myself still sprawled ungracefully on the floor with a massive headache. Damn it. Time to sleep some more. But sleep doesn't embrace me, the pain I felt keeps making me toss and turn, worrying about J'onn, knowing he's in pain.

Eventually I must've fallen asleep as the morning sunlight wakes me up. On instinct I reach out for J'onn, his mind finally a mess of Martian thoughts indicating sleep, rather than pain. I badly want to see him with my own eyes just to reassure myself that he's fine. I wander about the house with half a mind on autopilot while the other keeps tabs on J'onn. Its hard to follow his thoughts when they are in Martian, the words not translating into anything discernable but the images in his head help to put together what happened as he relives it in what I figure is a nightmare.

There's not much I can do to ease his nightmares besides waking him up. The gift of telepathy and mind tricks belongs entirely to J'onn. So doing the next logical thing I call out in my mind for him, trying to rouse him into consciousness as gently as possible.

'J'onn, wake up. You're dreaming.'

'J'onn.'

'Come on J'onn, its me. Wake up.'

His thoughts slowly focus as sleep fades away, his mind disoriented and hazy.

'J'onn?'

'I apologize.' That's the first thing out of his mind. 'Did I frighten you?'

'No. J'onn can I see you today? Teleport to my house?'

Today being a Friday, the day the house is all mine till Monday. My mom and sisters always go to visit my mother's relatives for the weekends and my father doesn't turn up till Monday. In other words the house is all mine for two whole days and tonight.

'I will be there in an hour.'

I scramble into the kitchen to fix dinner for J'onn and me. Hmm what to make? Somehow he strikes me as a vegetarian, now then Thick Vegetable soup and croutons would suit the night well. The strawberry pie I made with my sisters should do for dessert.

I dance through the house, straightening things up and making dinner. J'onn beams into the living room just as I finish heating up the pie.

He looks exhausted even though he maintains his dominating posture. There are dark green marks on his skin that look painful, red eyes lack their usual calm, his entire face expressing pain. Rushing over I guide him to the sofa.

"J'onn, you look terrible. Can I get you anything? Sit down!"

"I am fine."

"Totally not believing you."

I fetch him a glass of water and a few painkillers should he need them, although I'm not sure if they're compatible with his Martian biology.

I gently touch his arm, catching his wandering focus as I offer him the glass of water and inspecting his appearance closely as he drinks. There are cuts on his skin, a few grazes on his face where he probably took a few solid punches. Whatever is not an open cut is already healing, his impressive regeneration abilities kicking in.

"J'onn, lie down for me?"

"What?" he sounds rightfully confused.

Taking the glass from him, I guide him to lay down, running my hand over his chest to part his cape. The cuts haven't been cleaned so I'm certain J'onn just handled formalities before arriving here.

He must be unusualy tired for he doesn't notice me leaving his side, nor does he notice when I return with a basin of hot water and clean towels but his eyes fly open and his baritone voice growls in warning as I press the warm cloth to his cuts. His hand unconsciously holding my wrist in a near painful grip.

"J'onn?"

"I apologize," he releases my hand as if burnt. "You need not do that. They will heal."

I ignore him and continue to clean out the cuts on his chest, watching as they slowly start to close. His arm falls across my lap, watching me with hazy eyes as I settle down near his waist on the sofa. His angular face comes next and for once I cup his jaw, gently turning his face to tend to the open bruises and wipe down his face.

The water takes on an odd tinge of red from his blood as I run the damp towel down his arms and chest. His hand curls around my wrist once I'm done.

"Thank you."

My heart wrenches in pained sympathy and I press a gentle kiss to his cheek.

'Rest.'

I throw the blanket which is across the back of my sofa over J'onn, tucking him in as he falls into a healing sleep. The wounds loosing their raw edges, the cuts closing as I watch. Unable to resist I press a kiss to his sloped forehead and leave him to rest.

Throwing the towels into the washer and emptying the red tinged water in the basin, I'm struck by how badly J'onn must've been hurt for his healing to still not have completed.

I leave the door ajar so that I can hear J'onn if he calls out for me and proceed to have a soak in the tub, figuring he might be out like a light for awhile. Focusing on his thoughts surprises me. For his mind is blank for once. No thoughts in Martian or English. So this is the Martian healing sleep.

When I step out of the tub, smelling of ylang ylang flowers, my reflection catches my attention. I look beautiful and relaxed, my raven black hair twisted over my shoulder, my brown eyes filled with contentment and my skin no longer looking grey.

J'onn shifts in the living room, the sofa creaking under his large body. Quickly changing into a white t shirt and shorts I half dry my hair, letting it sort itself out as usual.

He is blinking awake as I walk into the living room, his color improved and movements natural once more. I settle down next to him, squeezing his hand in both of mine, inexplicably happy to see him looking better. His free hand touches the still wet strands of my hair, running his fingers through it curiously.

"It is fascinating how it absorbs water isn't it?" I ask him when he's still marveling at they way my hair clings to his fingers.

J'onn smiles at me. My only excuse is that I had been worried, his silence, his pain and his presence here now overwhelmed me. That's the only reason I can think of which caused tears to well up in my eyes at his smile.

"I'm sorry J'onn but I was worried and I tried to locate you but you were in so much pain and I collapsed and I was so worried but you're here and-"

J'onn cups my face his forehead pressed to mine. "Hush, don't cry. I am fine."

My arms wrap around his neck, trying to pull him to my body but he releases me and presses a kiss to my forehead.

"I will stain your white shirt, permit me to use your bathroom and I give you my word, you can hold onto me till you feel better."

Smiling at his words I show him the bathroom, leaving a towel for him as I head to the kitchen knowing he'll be hungry once he's showered. The soup gets reheated while I set out bowls and spoons for us. The crotons piled onto a plate sit neatly between the two plates on the kitchen island.

The pie, I hide under a lid wondering idly if J'onn has x ray vision. Laughing at myself I straighten up the sofa and turn on the radio to chase away the silence while J'onn showers.

He emerges looking much better and walks up to me, his arms slipping around my shoulders and waist. I melt against him, squeezing him as tightly as possible although his density resists the pressure I exert. He smells wonderful, the rain and spice scent unhindered by the wear of the day. Being as short as I am compared to J'onn, I'm unable to press my face to his neck so I immediately curl my arms around his shoulders, pulling him down as he noses against my hair breathing in the therapeutic scent of ylang ylang flowers.

"Shall we eat? I know you're hungry after all that healing."

J'onn hums his acquiescence as I release him, both of us settling down for dinner. A comfortable silence embraces us, the radio providing the perfect background noise.

"I have a treat for you."

"A tartlet?" he sounds so hopeful.

"Something better J'onn." I uncover the strawberry pie. "Ta-da!"

The alien red eyes widen and his thoughts betray his eagerness to try whatever I recommend. Smiling at his face, I serve him a giant portion, watching his face as he blissfully digs into it.

One thing I learnt after all this time with J'onn is, Martians don't wear their hearts on their sleeves. It is difficult to discern expressions on his stoic face unless one pays attention to the subtle nuances. Right now the light in his red eyes, the subtle upturn of his mouth give away his happiness and pleasure.

J'onn savors the pie, happy thoughts bursting into my mind as he bites into the sweet filling. I try to memorize this moment. A giant green alien, a tiny silver spoon in his hands and a nearly finished strawberry pie. J'onn catches my eye as I stare at him, tenderness welling inside my chest for this lonely Martian.

Dinner done, I place all the dishes into the sink, J'onn insisting on helping me clean gets dinnerware drying duty. Its serenely domestic, having dinner, cleaning up with the radio in the background playing soft instrumentals and gently brushing each others fingers as we pass plates.

"Would you like to sleep J'onn? You must be needing sleep." I ask as I place the cutlery in their drawers.

"Rest would be welcome."

"Come on then, you're having my room for the night."

"Where will you sleep?"

"My sisters' room, don't you worry. Come on."

I tug him to my room, getting out a fresh blanket and placing a glass of water on the bedside table.

"Call me if you need anything, I'll be right across from you." I point out to the connecting door that opens to my sister's room.

J'onn gives my shoulder a squeeze in thanks, I smile up at him and head to my room for the night, turning to bid him good night as he turns the covers.

Sleep doesn't find me. Knowing J'onn is just ten steps and a door away, keep me awake for hours. I know he's fast asleep because his thoughts have been in Martian for the past hour. My mind tracks his thoughts lazily, trying to get the randomness to lull me to sleep.

I'm almost asleep when John starts dreaming. His mind filling with images instead of words. Its shocks me as I watch him relive the pain of his battle quickly replaced by images of me carefully cleaning the cuts on his chest, my hand cupping his face and the slight impression of hug.

Watching myself from another's view is disconcerting. Seeing the look of pain on my face, the tremble of my hands when I freeze as his body tenses. Its like watching a movie of me but through it all, J'onn's emotions are what captivate me. The tenderness in his heart and gratitude as he stills my hands, fill me with happiness as I fall asleep.

Saturday morning yanks me out of bed when I hear J'onn in the living room. The distinct sound of glassware giving away his location.

'J'onn?'

'I did not mean to wake you.'

'No worries, I'll join you in a few minutes.'

Brushing up for the day, I change out of my sleep clothes already thinking of breakfast only to be surprised by J'onn expertly preparing tea in my kitchen. Two plates of toast sitting on the counter.

"J'onn you didn't have to." I whisper, touched by his thoughtfulness.

"I wanted to."

He smiles at me, his eyes glowing in the golden sunlight. I pull his head down to press a kiss to his cheek. 'Thank you.'

J'onn strokes his thumb over my temple. I give him a grin before helping him with breakfast. Jam, butter, cheese and milk are quickly settled on the counter followed by us. Tea in hand I lead J'onn to my bedroom, the window there gives the best view of the outside world in the morning light.

I sit down on my bed, watching the light bathe the room in gold. J'onn places his cup on the side table, his eyes travelling to each painting hanging on the walls as he touches the canvases. Looking at him, so graceful and unharmed I'm reminded about last night at when I tried to contact him.

"J'onn I wanted to ask you, what happened on your mission? I was looking for you before you contacted me and I passed out from the pain you were under."

"What?"

He freezes at my words, setting on the edge of the bed, his hands quickly framing my face. His eyes glow orange as he prods my mind but this doesn't feel the same. Its like he's assessing for damage instead of reading my thoughts, testing each pathway in my brain to see if they're in working order. At length he releases my face looking relieved but stern.

"I warned you not to search for me, you could have done serious harm to yourself."

At a loss how to respond, I cautiously watch him, not knowing what to say to defuse the edge in his voice. J'onn tilts my chin up to face him, his eyes softening at my wounded expression. He runs his fingers into my hair, tilting my head to press an apologetic kiss to my brow.

'I do not want you hurt. Especially because of me. Forgive my tone but you could have suffered nerve damage little one.'

'I'm sorry but the silence worried me.'

"I know." he combs my hair with his fingers, watching me as I stare up. "We were thrown back in time, Vandal Savage and his men were lending modern technology to the enemy, I was captured when I went to spy on the facility. His interrogator had some impressive techniques.."

I press my face into the side of his neck, arms tightly locked around him. I've seen enough torture videos to know what happened without having to look through his memories. I know I won't survive those and I also know J'onn won't allow me to access them.

I breathe in his calming scent, allowing myself to nuzzle into his neck, my lips accidently brushing against his throat. J'onn stills. His arm locked at my waist before he growls under his breath, vibrations escaping his chest to mine. My body responds to him without thought, heat flooding my skin as his masculinity asserts itself.

J'onn draws back to look at my flushed face. My thoughts scream in my head, wanting his mouth on mine but J'onn untangles himself from me.

"J'onn?"

He presses his finger against my lips.

"Not like this." he whispers. "Know me."

His mind guides me through his culture, through the meaning behind each kiss, each touch he places on me. Things I never explored about him are brought to light as he shows me who he is as a male and not just who he is in general. He is a calm, collected voice of reason who is sane in the face of mind numbing loss. But under all that he's a male, a dominant, passionate male that ravages his female just as much as he tenderly cares for her.

His thoughts turn to his wife and he withdraws from my mind. I give his hand a firm squeeze and leave him to his thoughts, knowing he needs moment alone to think of the feelings he has for me.

I tend to the garden, watch the news and debate making tea when J'onn walks briskly to me. His face grim. A quick look into his mind shows Diana calling him for an emergency.

'I know J'onn, go.'

"I will be back soon." he promises me with a kiss to my head before he is teleported to wherever he is needed.