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Chapter Twelve
Broken
I can't figure out whether they expect me to remain in this room or to use it at my convenience. The door is not locked, there's no one stopping me from leaving but I get the distinct impression that, should I try to leave, I will be stopped. Neither a prisoner nor a free soul. The room in and of itself is not bad. Its impersonal and cold, no decorations of any sort, merely the bed, drawers and lamp on a desk. Sparse to say the least.
After Batman had shown me in, I had examined every corner of the room and found cameras at the corners of the walls. Clearly Mr. Dark and Broody plans to keep me under surveillance. Ha. As if I can set fire to metal walls, I'd have to find the fuel core and ignite it for this space station to catch fire.
Why fire? I have never been fond of burning things. I've always prefered knives. This is so unlike me.
Why would I burn down my house? After all the beautiful memories I made with J'onn under that very roof, why would I turn it to ashes?
J'onn. Its easy to see how he's feeling. Even if he's blocked me out of his mind, I know enough about to him to understand his reaction. Being a peaceful, family loving creature, he must be repulsed by my actions, confused as to how to love someone who is in the end villainously cruel. But I'm not, am I?
I don't even know myself anymore! Try as hard as I might I can't remember what made me drink or what happened after I drank. I don't remember setting fire to anything, nor do I recall feeling depressed enough to entertain such a thought. I was in good spirits, as much as anyone can be with my dad at home, still, it wasn't anger and pain. So why did it come to this? How did it come to this?
The door opens to admit the boyscout of a superhero, Superman bearing a tray of food. Our eyes meet, while he may be able to fire lasers, mine fire deathrays into his. Neither of us speaking, my glare is enough to make him leave me alone. He places the tray on the table, walking out to leave me in peace. Glaring balefully at the tray I sit down to eat, not registering the taste of anything that goes down my throat. Anger and hatred war in my mind but I make sure to give Batman and his video feed my emotionless face.
If I sleep, my guard will be down. I'm a heavy sleeper, these superheroes could come in and collar me for all I know. Throwing open the wardrobe in the corner I pick up the large black t shirt that is probably Batman's, if he gave me his room, he should've expected this. The bathroom mirror for once greets an unknown face. Once long hair now singed unevenly, haunted black eyes and smudged face. There are no cameras here, I checked thoroughly after all, I let the mask crumble, watching my eyes reflect the pain of loss. More loss than I could've imagined. Not only did I loose my sisters but I lost both J'onn and myself. I no longer know who I am or what I am capable of nor do I know what J'onn will do to me.
There's a razor in this room. The only blade available far as I can see, carefully dissecting the razor I grip my hair in a fist, cutting it off at my neck. The mirror smiles maniacally back at me.
Beautiful, broken and destructive.
Throwing the remains of my hair, I give myself a wash. The water soaking through my bandages, excruciating pain running up my limbs as I tear them off, watching the water hit the burns. Tears mingle silently with the pouring water, adding salt to wounds, the pain doing nothing compared to the pain in my heart. I count the tiles around the shower as tears stream down, overwhelming pain screaming out to find comfort in the Martian's mind but the solid wall I built bounces my calls back into my head. J'onn will not be able to read my mind any better than I can read his.
A sharp knock on the bathroom door pulls me out of my self flagellation. Wrapping my self in the black towel I step out to be greeted by the last creature I expected. J'onn J'onzz.
My body might be badly bruised but there's no way I'm showing weakness to him. My eyes slip back into coldness, posture straightening as I glare into his eyes with each step towards him. He's carrying a medical kit, eyes roaming over all the exposed areas of my body.
"You need not be here, I can tend to myself."
His unimpressed eyes don't even faze me as I wait for his reply.
"Sit down."
I slip into the large black shirt, ignoring J'onn as he stands in the center of my room, his imposing form no longer frightening me.
A large hand falls onto my shoulder, I freeze immediately, memories of all the times he has done that filling my heart with pain. The green hand travels down my arm, ghosting over the burns to catch my hand, turning me towards the bed.
"Please, sit down."
Eyes robotically focused on the red cross across his chest, I sit at the edge of the bed as he commands, mind reeling from his touch. Gentle, green fingers rub medicine onto my burns, soothing cold cream easing away the sharp pain. Out of the corner of my eyes I notice J'onn staring at mine, I know they give away nothing. He'll have to force mind reading on me to get information out of me, none of my thoughts are being broadcasted. In fact, all my thoughts are bouncing within my head, safe from any prying Martian.
There are small pieces here which don't fit the puzzle. How did I make such a solid wall? How did I set fire to my house? Why did I drink in the first place? And most importantly, is this who I truly am? Am I a cold hearted villain that will put even Luthor to shame?
I watch, detached from the pain in my body, as J'onn wraps the white bandages around my arms and legs. His fingers gentle even though he's clearly upset.
"J'onn," I meet his red eyes with mine, letting a slip of emotion filter into them. "I don't know why any of what happened actually happened but I'm sorry."
He doesn't say anything. The red orbs reflecting agonizing pain before he too schools them into neutral. My heart whimpers as I watch him stand, packing up the medical supplies, his back turned to me as he leaves my room.
He's acting as if I destroyed his family! I'm the one who just lost both her sisters, parents and house. Where does the Martian get off giving me the cold shoulder?!
Not wanting to give any of the league members the satisfaction of watching me break, I glare out into space. Planets and stars shining, reflecting light as they twirl about merrily in their orbits. The Red planet comes up into view as the space station moves in its own orbit around earth, the double moons of Mars visible for the first time. Anger consumes my soul as I glare at the planet of the war god with growing hatred.
The planet comes closer into view as the watchtower nears it, it is beautiful. Snowy caps and blood red land. Red just like his eyes. Red just like the blood on my hands. Four members of my family. Killed by me. Two voices I will never hear again, two young girls who will never again ask me to help with their homework or to cook with guilt consumes my soul, mind screaming for J'onn. The silence echoing around me is enough indication of how effective my mind block is. Laying down on Batman's cold bed, I stare out the large window at the rotating earth below me. I don't deserve to die, the blade is a gift if I use it, I deserve to suffer after all the pain my sisters must've felt being burnt alive.
Against my will, sleep tugs at my mind, eyes sliding shut only to be welcomed by screams and bright orange flames dancing in front of me. Nightmares. Every time I close my eyes and slip under, a nightmare jolts me awake.
By the time morning arrives, I'm more tired than I was last night. The sheets are tangled around my legs, pillows thrown off the bed. Batman and his video feed must've had an good time. I straighten the bed, full of self loathing just as the door opens to admit Superman, once again bearing a tray.
We make eye contact, both of us waiting for the other to say something.
"Why did you do it?"
I know what he's asking. Why did I set fire to the house, why did I kill my family.
"I don't know."
He leaves the tray on the desk as he did last night, coming forward to stand in front of me.
"If you give us a reason we can help you, get you a psychiatrist or send you to a relative. Something. But you have to tell us the truth."
The truth. As if I know the truth. I'm equally confused and yet they think I'm hiding some malevolent intentions in my mind.
"I have never lied and I have no intention to start now. You may not know me but J'onn knows I speak the truth. I have no idea what happened last night. I don't know how I caused the fire or so much as why."
I continue before his furrowed face can voice his thoughts.
"I have no desire to convince you Superman. My loss is heavy enough without having to grovel at the feet of the likes of you to be heard and understood."
My diamond cutting glare lets him know that I'm done talking to him for the day. Maybe he's conditioned to respond to glares because of all his time with Batman, J'onn didn't respond the same way he did. The silence that follows his departure is filled with me consuming breakfast, once again no idea of what I am eating, merely swallowing down food out of reflex.
J'onn's red eyes greet mine once I step out of the bathroom in another towel. Someone is watching the surveillance cameras closely enough to time their arrival. This time I don't wait for him to tell me to sit, nor do I look at him, instead I stare out the window, letting him tend to my burns as he pleases. The silence drags on between us as careful fingers clean and wrap my burns, the scent of fresh rain and spices surrounding me as he sits next to me.
"What do you want J'onn?"
The velvet voice echoes around Batman's room as he replies.
"Let me read your mind."
Ah, looks like the two aliens had a little heart to heart. A pity it won't get them anywhere, my mind is Martian proof. My cold eyes meet the red I loved with all my heart. How could J'onn of all people believe I would set fire to my house with my sisters inside? After all the time we spent in each others head, wouldn't he have picked up such a thought when he was skimming through my emotions just before the fire broke out?
I give him a malicious smile. "You can try J'onn J'onzz."
His eyes widen at the ice in my voice, its quickly schooled away into his usual stoic expression. Large warm hands cup my face, the familiar gesture igniting anger inside me. His eyes glow orange seconds before we both cry out.
Bleeding scratches appear on his body as I violently shove him away from me, his body falling to the ground just as superheroes burst into my room. Black gauntlets twist me into an arm lock, Diana and Superman rush to J'onn's side, easing him up while I'm being forced to kneel.
Crackling electricity makes my hair stand against the mace held at my chest in warning. Hawkgirl.
"Release her!"
I stare at J'onn in equal confusion as the rest of the league members. Green Lantern speaks up just as the Martian pulls himself out of the princess's support.
"We sure she didn't affect his mind?"
"I am fine, her mind is blocked."
The crepitating mace is moved away from me, J'onn pulls me out of Batman's painful arm lock, helping me rise to my feet. I flinch away from him, irritated and hurt.
J'onn turns to the rest of the league members, all of which I ignore in favor of staring at black space outside the window. Was what happened normal? Should I be able to build a block so effective that it would physically hurt J'onn when he tries to read my mind? Why is it that I am able to do things I don't even know how to do?
"We need a moment alone." the Martian's voice rings clear over the chatter of the rest of the superheroes.
"J'onn is it safe?" Diana, her strong feminine voice carries concern. She is seconded by Superman and Green Lantern.
"Yes."
The noise dies down leaving only me and J'onn as the door slides shut behind the last League member. My eyes refuse to look at him, I'm tired, I'm hurt, I'm confused, scared of who I am and what I can do. A cautious green hand tugs at my elbow, I lifelessly follow it, my arms numb from the painful hold batman locked me in. I stare at the frayed edges of the bandage wrapped around my hands, J'onn ever so gently guides me to sit.
I don't spare him the time of day, eyes tracing threads on the bandage. Warm fingers press at my temples, the sensation is pushed away from my mind as I focus on the thread count. I feel his mind catiously trying to pry into mine, it encounters heavy resistance and slips back out. His sudden inhale drags my attention to his chest as it expands. Memories assault me of the comfort that is inches away from my face.
I want to lean on him. I want him to hold me, to tell me that I am not evil, not this heartless, that its not my fault even though I know it feels like its mine. I want J'onn J'onzz to believe in me.
