A/N: I completely forgot to post this when/where it was supposed to go in! Whoops. I'm not completely sold on it but I like it enough to post it!
Sam's POV. Takes place during/between chapter 20/21 of Caught in the Crossfire: after Sam's forced to admit that he likes her and Michelle takes off.
Chapter 24: Wanting (Sam's POV)
"To want is to suffer."
― Mokokoma Mokhonoana
He didn't want it to happen like this. He wasn't actually planning on telling her. Not now. Not until they figured out if she could go home. If her world was still there. He's stopped himself so many fucking times from just reaching for her since she pulled away from him when he was trying to teach her to shoot. Trying and failing because he just wanted to touch her, make her feel that this was real, that he was real.
He knows he doesn't deserve it, not when part of him is hoping she can't leave, but he wants it. He wants her.
He knows how soft her skin is just from touching her, from trying to help clean her up after the attack. He almost kissed her then. Almost closed the door and tried to hide them from the world that seems to want to destroy them both. He knows she wants him, the way she shivered at his touch, the way she looks at him sometimes. It took all of him to step back, to let her go because she was beaten and bloody, and he didn't think she'd let him keep her then. And he needs her, if only to keep telling him he's good. No one but Jess has ever said that to him and meant it. Not like that. Especially not when they know everything that he's done wrong. And there's so many fucking mistakes that he's made.
He remembers her face perfectly when he told her. Her mouth dropped open and her eyes went wide as she realized what he was saying. It would have been cute if she hadn't started pulling away as soon as she could. As soon as Cas showed up as a distraction. It was exactly what he didn't want; her running from him.
He asked her for a chance, to let him prove to her that he was worth it, that they'd be worth it. There's not much he can offer her, but he can try. He can be the thing that holds her to this world, and he wants to be. He doesn't want her to leave. He wants to be the one she runs to, instead of taking off on her own like he's seen her do over and over. He wants to protect her, to give back even some of the solace she's given him. He wants to know what she tastes like, how it actually feels to hold her in his arms. He wants to bury himself in her and never leave. She just has to let him.
He grits his teeth together and takes a sip of the beer he's holding before he heads back inside. They won't be back for hours. Dean is in the middle of a card game, bantering with Spike and Gambit. He accepts the invitation to join. He could use the distraction. She said they'd talk when she got back. She's out there thinking about it, about them and he can't even convince her because she's gone. He just wants to know.
He needs to know.
