(Reconstructed from a letter, torn into twenty pieces and thrown in a trash can in Salt Lake City)
Abby,
I guess if this letter's reached you and you haven't thrown it straight in the nearest fire, then that's more than I've got any right to expect. I know I can't make this better, but I didn't want to leave things the way I left them.
Dunno if you still care, but Ellie is gonna be okay. She was sick for a few weeks, but she's getting stronger all the time. She misses you. I told her about your dad, but I didn't tell her everything. She's still mad as hell at me. I know I deserve that.
You didn't deserve what happened to you. I wish I could say I regret it all, but you also don't need to listen to lies from me. Yes, I chose my family over yours. I wish there'd been another way, but there wasn't. Most of all, I wish I could've left you out of it. None of what happened was your fault. I'm sure you've heard that from a lot of people by now, but maybe it'll hit different coming from someone who knows about fault: Nothing you did could've changed things.
I also want you to know that your dad was a good man. I'm not, but I never wanted to hurt him. This wasn't some kind of revenge for him locking me up or even for what Ellie went through. He had his reasons for all of it, and I understood them. Thing is, I also knew he was never gonna stop. Ellie never would've been safe unless I ended it.
Understand, it wasn't about saving the world for your father - it was always about saving you. He just wanted you to have a better world to grow up in. And that's okay. That's human nature. I meant the last thing I said to you: don't be mad at him. Not for working for the cure and not for giving it up in the end. He just loved you. Wasn't nothing else he could've done.
You're gonna have some things to figure out. I'm sure you've already grown up way faster than you should've had to. Stick with Marlene for a while and she'll look out for you. Eventually, though, you're gonna have to stand on your own two feet. When you do, you might decide to come after me and Ellie. I'll understand if you do, but I hope you won't. There's a lot better things to do with your life than poke at your wounds. And I know I don't want to have to go up against you. I can't do that again.
Please take care of yourself - for your dad's sake if not for mine.
Sooner or later, everybody finds a reason to keep fighting. I hope you find yours soon.
always,
Joel
