Resting his head on a table, Alvaro sighed. It had been a week since he joined the group of cultists. He has been dedicating all his time to learning about this world. Through this whole week he has barely gotten any sleep. This is the reason for the dark bags under his eyes. Closing them, he began pondering.

It's been a week already, huh? Learning about the four countries has been stressful but it's necessary.

The north country Gusteko, where the climate is cold making it hard to live in. The south country Vollachia Empire, as the name suggests, is ruled by the Vollachia family. The east country Kingdom of Lugnica, Lugnica for short, is a monarchy, run by the Royal Lugnica family.

The one that particularly intrigues me is about Hoshin of the Wilderness. The Kararagi City States were supposedly founded by the man Hoshin. According to my studies, which aren't that much, it appears that the country heavily resembles an early-modern period feudal society of Japan.

Through great determination he was able to read the first set of glyphs and a bit of the second. Though that doesn't exactly mean he knows how to write. In exchange for being able to read, he neglected writing. The one who provided him with these books was the merchant that he talked to on his first day in this world. A little questioning revealed that every single witch cultist could smell or tell the witch's scent or miasma, he chose to call it the latter.

This is bad. If the witch's miasma equals a witch cultis, then I will die. People will kill me on the spot, that's how dangerous these people are. The question is, who and how can they smell it? Is it only a witch cultist or a few people? If so, then why are they able to smell it, aren't the witches dead? How do you remember a smell from 400 years ago? Are you even sure it's the right one? And why do witches even give a smell in the first place?

He briefly spoke to any cultists aside from Petelgeuse. Well, mostly because he never left the place, instead choosing to spend it reading. Petelgeuse did teach him how to read but that quickly turned into him praising the witch, cursing the books about how they don't understand how great the witch is and forgetting about him. Other than that, to Alvaro's surprise he was actually a pretty good tutor considering how he acts. He was currently away due to the Gospel. Petelgeuse wanted to leave someone to protect Alvaro just in case something happens but strangely enough he didn't. As if the Gospel told him not to…

While it never specifically says when or how he died nor if he has any descendants, the most logical conclusion was that he died here, in this world. Obviously, right? Well, yes. It's that…

I will never go back.

It was time that he faced reality. Dodging the thought when you're alone with a long time to think is nearly impossible.

It's been a week, so I'm sure they're dead by now. I was an important member as much as I hated it. It didn't matter as long as they had a better future I was willing to involve myself with those types of people. Did I even have a choice to begin with?

What am I supposed to do now?

What is my purpose?

I lost everything, what is left for me?

I'm affiliated with a cult that I frankly don't want to be a part of. Even so, I have no better options. If I leave, what will I do to survive?

Do I even want to live anymore?

Ihave nothing going for me. The thing is, if I stay I get a place to live, I can stay to study, I get to eat and drink, I technically can order around these people for things I desire. All I need is to become a Sin Archbishop.

Will that give me a purpose?

A goal?

Petelgeuse kept saying the Gospel was proof of the witch's love plus the miasma? Does that mean that he's loved? Someone like him? There's someone who cares for him? Then should he bring back the witch? She's still alive and sealed away. Should he help them achieve such a thing? But didn't the witch get sealed for a reason? Why would he want to bring her back? To join these people, would mean to carry out some extreme task. Would he do all this just for the sake of a goal to strive for?

If he follows the Gospel, he would surely come to the right path. And if that path meant to join them, then he would immediately do so. If they are also following the Gospel, doesn't that mean they are the same as him?

Yes, the Gospel…

The Gospel shall give him the future he desires, right? All that is needed is to follow every single command it gives. Never question the contents as it will definitely help him to achieve the future he desires. Do whatever it says, no matter how morally wrong it is. If he does he will get what he wants, that's what the Gospel is for. With the Gospel guiding him everything will be achievable. The Gospel will be his only ray of hope.

No.

That's what they want from me. I get a lot of things and I can do whatever I want, but for what? Suppose I accept, things won't go smoothly. From observing them, I will definitely have to end innocent people's lives.

Back on earth, I never involved innocent people. It was only between other scum, like me. With all the things I have done, I don't want to have random people suffer due to me intentionally hurting them. I know it's inevitable for them to indirectly suffer since the people who used to be around didn't seem to care for such lives. I say this but I'm just being a hypocrite.

Look if someone attacks me I will defend myself, doesn't matter if they are innocent, even if that means killing them, so be it.

I watched what they did to them. All I did was turn a blind eye, I didn't help them, nothing. I did absolutely nothing to stop them. Ignoring their pleas, begs, cries, just because of my selfishness. I prioritize my family above all other things, including myself. I willingly endure such things and much more just for them. I never resented them, hell, they should be resenting me.

When I heard, witnessing first hand they're treatment I never felt the need to stop it, if it meant my family being safe that's all it took for me to not do anything.

Let's say I did stop it, saving them means disobeying the high ups orders. Which meant my family would be in danger. They use them as a way to threaten and force me to stay.

Now that they're gone, I have no idea what to do with my life.

If only I wasn't summoned here, they wouldn't have died. If I had done things better nothing would have gone this bad. At which point of my life did I go wrong? I've always protected them and I failed.

Alvaro just took notice of the tears falling down his face. Shocked, he quickly tried to wipe them using his arm. After some time he stopped trying, looking down with his eyes becoming blurry due to the tears.

It's my fault. It's my fault. It's my fault. It's my fault. It's my fault. It's my fault. It's my fault. It's my fault. It's my fault. It's my fault. It's my fault. It's my fault. It's my fault. It's my fault. It's my fault. It's my fault—

He cried.

He cried his heart out.

In the middle of a secluded, dark lit, cave. Alone, nowhere to go in this unfamiliar world. Nobody was there to comfort nor condemn him. Not a single soul nearby. His sobs, wails, bawls, echoed throughout the entire cave. Perhaps people could hear, had they been in close proximity.

He couldn't recall when was the last time he shed tears.

The screams, sobs, everything, haunts him to this day.

Nevertheless, he never once cried during any of the horrific acts he saw and heard.

Yet here he was pathetically crying over deaths of loved ones.

There was no confirmation or anything like that. All of this was his presumption. The chances of it being real was quite high so it understandable why he's having a mental breakdown.

The once tiny natural shine of light present in his eye vanished giving the appearance of being lifeless. They were replaced by dead eyes as if he was better off dying in the middle of a roadside.

This was nothing to be surprised by. It just showed how much he was already struggling with his mental health. Now that the only people who supported him are gone, what is left is not a shadow of his former shell but rather a lost and depressed person.

"It's my fault. It's my fault. It's my fault. It's my fault." He kept repeating.

Due to crying too much, a sense of sleepiness overwhelmed him as he went unconscious.


Waking up with a headache, Alvaro clutched his head with his palm in pain. After a moment of calming himself down, he glanced at the book inside his tracksuit. He hadn't bothered trying to read the Gospel. With the free time he had, it wouldn't hurt to check it, right? Opening it, he read the first lines out loud.

"Avoid Witch Cult, do not meet them."

"Well, I sure messed up." Alvaro chuckled in self deprecation as he placed the Gospel on the table.

Anyhow, why was it telling me not to meet them when this book is specifically used by the Witch Cult. Plus, suppose I'm Pride, why would the witch leave out a potential Sin Archbishop.

Wait, that's not right. I don't know how the Gospel works.

As a matter of fact, I fucking don't know about anything!

Damn it!

Alvaro slammed his fist on the table. The more he learned about this world, the more he came to realize that there are too many unknowns. There could be a slim chance that more advanced books would explain it.

The once fierce determination to learn about this place has disappeared. Alvaro was very close to loathe this world.

He considered going back to sleep as he had no motivation to do anything today. That thought immediately goes thrown out the window.

"I'm back from repaying the witch's love!" Petelgeuse happily announced.

"Welcome back." Alvaro greeted, turning to face him.

Talking for a bit, Petelgeuse left to do something else. Taking advantage of this Alvaro called the merchant.

"Ketty, have you brought them?"

"Yes, here you go, Alvaro-sama."

The merchant named Ketty Muttart, handed him several books. He was one of Petelgeuse's fingers, whatever that meant. There were a total of ten, each commanding about ten witch cultists. Alvaro tiredly grabbed them and placed it next to the others.

This merchant is a good supplier. I don't have to pay and if I want something specific he gives it to me. Though I haven't asked for anything extravagant.

When his hands became unoccupied, Ketty handed him a sword. He stood up to take a better look at it. Unsheathing the sword and carelessly swung it, showing how he never used one before. It was also brand new. Alvaro told Ketty the description which he relayed to a blacksmith.

This is by far better than the dagger I bought days ago. With this I should be able to start training. I haven't had any sort of exercise for a week. Might as well use this as a way to begin swordsmanship.

He planned on learning how to swordsmanship. Unfortunately for him, there wasn't anyone here that could properly teach him. The length of the sword was similar to his former machete. The sword was a bit above average, in terms of length. Seeing how Alvaro wanted to practice with it to get used to it, Ketty excused himself.

This will be hard, I guess it'll depend how talented I am and how much work I put in. Well, someone to teach me will be what I need but it looks like it won't happen any time soon.

Another reason for getting a sword like this was to be able to improve faster as he already was used to using a similar weapon. Well, it will only help him a tiny bit. Even if he is familiar with it, that doesn't he will learn as quickly. Alvaro swung it over and over.

He had no motivation, drive, or ambition. Even so, he trained. Alvaro knew that if he spent his days in idleness, the day he overcame it was when he was going to regret the most. He hated that feeling; it was by no means a pleasant one. So at least he should get prepared for the day he finds what he wants to do. A difficult task, it wasn't guaranteed. But that didn't matter to him, as long as it happened. Be it a day, a week, a month, a year, a decade, a century. He kept swinging the sword for a while until an exhilarating thought appeared.

There's magic in this world.

He went to where Petelgeuse was currently at. Passing by a few cultists on his way who all bowed.

"Geuse!" Alvaro called.

"Can you teach me the basics of magic?" He excitedly requested.

Fire, water, earth, wind, yang, and yin are the elements according to the spirit. By the way, I need to talk to them again, I slightly miss them.

What if they left me?

Like the rest?

Biting his lip, Alvaro changed his thoughts once again to more positive ones. Petelgeuse saw this and didn't comment, probably due to it being normal for weird actions among the cult. Regaining his previous eagerness he stopped biting his lip.

How beautiful will it look? I can't wait! Hopefully I can use all the elements. Even one is fine with me. It will be unfortunate if I can't but at least I would have tried. I haven't touched any books about magic as I read more history related ones.

Sensing Alvaro's enthusiasm, Petelgeuse quickly agreed. For some reason, whenever Alvaro called him Geuse, Petelgeuse always acted slightly strange which didn't go unnoticed by the protagonist.

Why? Is it the witch factor? There is something wrong with him. Ah, I forgot. He's insane for a reason. Nobody suddenly becomes one for no particular reason.

They left the cave to go outside. While accompanying Petelgeuse, Alvaro expressed darken, a single tear was shed, when looking at the field covered in grass.

No one comes on this earth to stay.

Our bodies are like rose trees.

They grow petals then wither and die.

But our hearts are like grass in the springtime.

They live on and forever grow green again.


A/N

Hopefully, my shitty writing was good enough when the mc was having a mental breakdown.

Yeah, the mc isn't havingthe best time of his life either.

One question I have for you all, how strong should I make him? This a very important decision. That's why left it when he was about to use magic for the first time. While I know about how strong I want to make him but I also want to read your opinions on it.

If there's no response, then I'll keep writing with my original plan. Though you have a lot of time since I don't update often.

Also, guess what timeline he is in. I have a given a clue, so if reread the chapter and you should be able to see it.

Thanks for reading!