Photographs and Memories

I will always regret not telling her how I feel. I stare at the photograph of the two of us at one of the precinct's picnics that we went to every year. We were the best of friends we did everything together. We often spent the night at each other's places. We had lunch together at work whenever we could. We often had dinner together before going home to our own places.

I should have told her how I felt. I just didn't want to ruin our friendship. I don't know how I am going to survive here. Everywhere I look it reminds me of her. I turn on the sports channel that she used to watch and her favorite team is being talked about. I listen just like I did when she was sitting on the couch with me.

I went to bed that night after her funeral and there was a picture of the two of us on my nightstand. I just stared at it as I cried myself to sleep. I often asked myself why did she have to die. I don't know how I am going to face work on Monday morning without her.

I did though, I went to work. As I walked throughout the precinct people offer me their condolences. People knew how close we were, many people often thought we were a couple, I wish. In my dreams we were. She was my everything, but I never shared that with her. I told her I loved her and she said the same, but I know she meant as a friend, but I didn't, I was in love with her.

I mean she might have loved me as more than a friend but I will never know as we never discussed it. We joked sometimes that we acted like an old married couple but we never took the conversation beyond the joke. Maybe we should have. Maybe things might have been different then.

Two years went by of me just going through the motions. I went to work. I buried myself in my work. I was pleasant with my coworkers and nobody knew the pain I was feeling. I tried not to display it. I was the best at my job and that didn't change.

Most nights I stopped and picked up take out on the way home from work and ate by myself. For the first few weeks I often ordered her food as well as mine, out of habit. I had to be careful and think before I did things like that. I watched a little tv or read each night and then went to bed. I cried myself to sleep most nights and then when the alarm went off in the morning I got up and did it all over again.

On my weekends off, I stayed in bed or got up and watched some tv or read. I seldom left the house. I don't know why but one day I decided I needed a change. I called my realtor and put my house up for sale. I gave my letter of resignation to my boss and I went home and started packing. I had a destination in mind. I wanted a fresh start.

I told myself, a change of locations would be great. Somewhere where we had never been together. Some place where nobody would know me or the fact that I was in love with my best friend. Somewhere when nobody would know about the serial killer that took her life away from me. My best friend's life, the love of my life.

I often wondered if things would have been different if I would have told her how I felt? Would she have been more careful at work knowing that she had me to come home to each night? Maybe, maybe not, I will never know. I mean I might have told her and she might have not felt the same way about me and then I would have lost my best friend and the most important person in the world to me. I couldn't see how I could win by telling her. I had more to lose than gain.

If I told her how I felt and she rejected my feelings, then I would lose her and our friendship. If she returned my feelings then we could be happy. If I kept my mouth shut, I could still have her friendship and have her in my life. Logically in my mind, the possibility of love did not outweigh the possibility of loss.

My house sold quickly as I knew it would. I sold my car. I would get a new one when I arrived at my new location. The realty company had an office at my new location. I gave them the information as to what I was looking for in a home and they showed me several listings. One listing jumped out at me. I did a video walk through and loved it. I made a cash offer ten percent below listing price. I figured I could always come up to listing price. My house had already sold and I had enough money in my accounts to buy the house outright, so I did. The seller accepted my offer and two weeks later the house closed.

I ordered my new car online and had it delivered to the dealership closest to my new house. My real estate company picked up my new car and had it delivered to my new house and secured it in the garage. My real estate agent had the keys so when I met her to get the keys to the house when we did our walk around inspection, she also gave me the keys to my new car.

I scheduled the movers to deliver my belongings the day after I arrived. I paid for a company to come in and unpack and set up my house for me. Within one month or turning in my letter of resignation I was established in my new city.

Now all I had to do was secure a new job. I didn't think it would be hard with my credentials. I put out some feelers and within a week I had an interview. The interview was set up for two days later. At the interview I was offered a rather prestigious job on the spot, and I accepted it.

I didn't know anybody in this city, but that would change. I was determined to meet new people and be more open to going out with colleagues and not sit at home like a bump on a log. Next week I started my new job.

Monday of the following week, I walked into the precinct. I had an appointment with the lieutenant of the homicide division. The officer at the front desk called him and let him know that I was there. He came down and met me and after I received a visitor pass he escorted me to his office on the third floor.

It was 7:50 in the morning and the detectives were due in at 8 AM. We talked in his office until about 8:05 and then he escorted me out into the bullpen. He got everyone's attention and then introduced me. I was doing fine until one tall dark-haired detective turned around.

"Lindsay!" I said as turned white as a ghost and passed out shortly thereafter, right in front of my new colleagues.

A minute later when I awoke the dark-haired detective stared straight into my eyes and said, "Dr. Isles are you okay?" She was concerned as she helped me up.

"Lindsay, how are you here?" Dr. Isles said as she stared into the dark brown eyes of the detective.

"Who is Lindsay? My name is Detective Jane Rizzoli." Jane said as her partner, Frost, had gone and retrieved a wet cloth and Sgt. Detective Korsak moved a chair over for Dr. Isles to sit in. Lieutenant Cavanaugh approached and asked Jane to direct Dr. Isles into his office so they could talk in private, and asked all the other detectives to go back to work. Jane and her team would take care of Dr. Isles.

"Lindsay, was my best friend and a Homicide Inspector with the San Francisco Police Department. Inspector Lindsay Boxer, you could be her twin. She was …" Maura paused for a few seconds so she could catch her breath, "she was killed by the 'Kiss Me Not' serial killer a little over two years ago. I miss her terribly."

"Well Dr. Isles, I look forward to you telling me all about your best friend, Inspector Lindsay Boxer." Jane said as she smiled at Dr. Isles.

"Please call me Maura. Thank you!" Maura offered her hand to Jane to shake. Jane shook her hand and Maura noticed her scars on both hands.

"Maura, please call me Jane. I am guessing you are our new medical examiner."

"That would be correct. Today is my first day as the Chief, Medical Examiner for the Commonwealth of Massachusetts."

"Well, aside from passing out in front of almost the entire homicide squad, I hope the rest of your day goes better. Would you like for me to escort you to your office downstairs?" Jane asked as both ladies smiled at each other.

"That would be wonderful, Jane, thank you." Jane helped Maura up and escorted to her to the morgue. They talked all the way to Maura's office and when they arrived, Maura took a picture of Lindsay out of her wallet and showed it to Jane.

"Wow, we really could be twins. It is remarkable how much we look like each other." Jane was quite surprised by the resemblance.

"Yes, and I must say your mannerisms are very similar also. Please, I hope you won't be offended by what I am about to tell you."

Jane looked at Maura with a questioning look and said, "Go ahead, tell me. I can't promise anything though, but I will try not to be offended."

"I was in love with Lindsay and I might at times want to step back from any interaction with you as result. Seeing you is bringing up all of my feelings for Lindsay. So, please give me a little bit of time to get used to seeing and interacting with you." Maura said. She had a few tears coming down her face and Jane reached over to wipe the tears away. She hated that she was making this beautiful woman cry.

"Maura, of course, if I need to stay away from you for a period of time, let me know." Jane offered. She didn't want to stay away from her but if that is what was needed, she would do that. She felt drawn to this woman and she didn't know why, but she wanted to find out.

"No, I don't want that. I want to make this adjustment. I promised myself I would make friends here. I didn't do that in San Francisco and after Lindsay died, I didn't have anyone. I don't want to go through that ever again."

"Well, I don't have that many friends here except for my team, but we are yours. Frost and Korsak are wonderful guys as you can see by how helpful there were just now. Our lieutenant is a nice guy also. We don't socialize with him, well, because he is our boss, but he is a good guy, as far as brass goes.

They talked for a few more minutes until Maura felt as though she had herself under control. Jane had called for Senior Criminalist Susie Chang to come in so that she could introduce her to Maura. When Susie left Jane asked her if she would like to go to lunch with her, Frost and Korsak at noon. Maura said she would love that. Jane went back upstairs and Maura felt a great deal better now knowing she was forming positive work relationships and maybe even a friendship with this beautiful dark-haired detective.