TRIGGER WARNING MENTIONS OF RAPE
You… you…'
'Love you Peter'
'You… you… I thought you…'
'Thought what?'
'Thought you… weren't there yet?'
'Well I think I am. I cannot stop thinking about you. I am not going anywhere, and being with you has made me happier than I ever been. That's because of you.'
'You… you're talking like…?'
'I have never fallen in love before. I used to look at my friends during uni, and the way they were in love and I thought that was something I was never going to be able to have… and I don't mean just the attraction between two people. I mean… walking into a room and having someone who is happy to see you. I know I don't have to say everything to you Peter, because you seem to get it, just like I do with you. I'm not sure, but I think these feelings have a name… I love you Peter, I really do'
'You mean it don't you?'
'I really do Peter, I really do'
'I love you too'
'You don't have to say it back to me, just because I said it Peter. I don't want you to be uncomfortable'
'But that's just it, I'm not uncomfortable. I'm exactly where I want to be- here with you. But I am scared Olivia'
'Of what?'
'That what I am about to tell you will make you feel differently about me.'
'Nothing you tell me will change how I feel about you Peter. But you don't have to tell me if you aren't ready, I mean it'
'I want to. I don't want there to be any secrets between us'
'Peter, are you sure?'
'Yes'
Olivia squeezed his hand and ran a hand down Peter's cheek, trying to convey all the reassurance that she could. Peter stared at the floor for a while, wondering how and where to start. He had only ever told this to Simon before, and that was only by accident. Olivia was the first person he had wanted to tell, and he had to trust his sense of judgement.
'Peter, you really don't have to do this if you don't want to. You can tell me when you are good and ready.'
'No, I want to…'
'Well, if you're sure, go when you're ready and from wherever you want to'
'He… he took so much away from me. I can't let him take away any more of my life, or my future. Whatever happens between us… I can't bury it anymore'
'I think we will be just fine Peter'
'We don't know what will happen in the future, but I really hope we can go the distance. I want him to know that I can do it. I can be in a relationship and be happy'
'Why?'
'My stepdad…'
'Your stepdad?'
'When he first met my mum, he was the brilliant father to me. I adored him. But then when he moved in, everything went wrong'
'In what way?'
'I… I…'
'Peter, it's okay, I'm here. Look at me'
Peter peered at Olivia and Olivia was stunned to see just how petrified he was- she could see it shining in his eyes, along with the tears that were welling up at the tiny corners of his eyelids. What they were tears for and of however, remained a mystery.
'You won't leave?'
'No, I'm not going anywhere. Do you want to stop?'
'Stop..?'
'Telling me. It's upsetting you and I can see how much it is taking you to tell me Peter. You really don't have to'
'I want to… I also need to'
'Are you absolutely sure Peter?'
'Yes. Where was I?'
'He moved in'
'Until that point, he'd been nothing but a brilliant example and role model to me, so I had no reason to think anything was wrong. Then my mum said he was moving in- I was thrilled. I remember he moved in the day before my eleventh birthday and he was my birthday present- a new dad.'
'Aww, sounds nice…'
'It was, at the time. And for a time after he moved in, he wormed his way into my trust and good books. But then when my mum began to work late, he changed. He… lingered in my room after I'd gone to bed, I'd feel his… leg on mine… under the table at dinner. I don't know why I didn't see the signs… I was stupid.'
'Peter, did he…?'
'Olivia, please let me talk, because if I don't say it now I never will.'
'Okay' Peter felt Olivia squeeze his hand but he was too busy wrapped up in his memories of his adolescence to pay attention.
'One day… I came home… and he'd taken the lock of the bathroom door… and he kept coming in while I was having a shower. He kept making comments about my figure. I asked… I asked him to stop, but he ran his hands through my hair, touching my cheeks and… telling me… I was his special boy… that was the first night… the first time…'
'Peter…'
'The first time he… raped me Olivia. I felt… disgusting and dirty. The next morning he acted like there… was nothing wrong. Then… he proposed to my mum. I… I wanted to tell her… but he said I would ruin her happiness. He swore that if I told anyone… he would kill everyone I loved. From that minute, I rejected him… and he made it plain he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. But he… he still… raped me when my mum was at work, which was at least once a week… once a week, every week, for two years. He… he swore… when they got married it would stop, but it got worst. It started to get more often… him saying how much my pretending to hate him… turned him on. I wasn't pretending anything, I hated him. Then Sarah was born, but it didn't stop him. He said it meant we were even more connected and drawn to each other than we had been before. Only when Matthew was born did he stop, I was 16 by this time…'
Peter had been unable to stop himself from stopping anything when he had started. He knew he had one shot at telling this all to Olivia. Peter hadn't looked at Olivia throughout his talking, he knew if he saw anything in her eyes then he would probably die right here and now, because he had everything inside of him to show Olivia his soul.
The silence between them felt like it could have been hours when in fact it was only seconds. Every second that passed, Peter felt more and more insecure, until he got up off the sofa and walked out on Olivia. Going into the kitchen, he leaned his head against the fridge door and closed his eyes. Boy did and wish he could be anywhere else right now.
'I'm so sorry…' came the voice from behind him, thick with emotion and husky, as if Olivia was struggling not to cry. Swinging around, Peter saw Olivia hovering in the doorway, her head downwards.
'What… why are… why are you apologising?'
'For… for what you went through. Peter, I can't believe you went through it on your own'
'It's… please… don't pity me... I…'
'I don't pity you'
'No, I bet I can guess what you're thinking… I've told you my story… and now you see me for what I am… a washed up and damaged man who doesn't deserve to be happy…'
'Peter, stop it! You're right, I do see you for what you are, but what you are, is an extremely tough and resilient person who's been through one of the worst things I could ever imagine and has managed to do something good with his life. Peter, what you went through is unimaginable and I cannot begin to tell you how sorry I am that it happened to you, but it doesn't define you. I have no idea what you must have been through, but I can guess you must have felt incredibly alone. And to shoulder this for so long without confiding in someone…'
'I only told Simon, because he kept pushing me about my past and one day I snapped. I didn't feel better telling Simon because he almost dragged it out of me, but I… I feel better for telling you, because you listened and well you said it hasn't changed anything…'
'Why would it change anything? You haven't done anything, and you haven't changed'
'It changed me Olivia. I've buried it for so long, buried it and locked it away. I so wanted to not let it affect me but it still does. I tried to build walls around me, to protect myself and shut myself off from any kind of affection. And it worked, for the majority of the last few years…'
'Until me?'
'Yes, until you. The connection we had, I never had that with anyone and the way things developed between us, it scared me so much. I was convinced it was too good to be true Olivia, that you were too be good to be true. And I thought if I opened up, you would be snatched away and I would be broken all over again. I still worry that might happen… the places I've been to into my head, I can't go back there again. Not after barely surviving the first time- My stepdad nearly killed me'
'It won't happen again.'
'Why not?'
'Because I'm here… you are not on your own, not now, not ever, do you hear me? I love you, and I said I wasn't going anywhere. I meant it.'
'Olivia…'
'Peter, do you have any idea how proud I am of you? You didn't have to tell me, but you did. You opened up and showed me the real you and I love you even more for it. I can see how much of a big deal that was for you, and I am so… I can't believe you put yourself through having to relive it, just to tell me. I love you so much Peter, please believe me'
'Thank you'
'For what?'
'Being you. For not giving up on me, even when I pushed you away.'
'That's what being in love is Peter.'
'And we are aren't we… we are in love?'
'Completely and utterly. Come here'
Olivia opened her arms and that triggered the floodgates from Peter. He burst into tears and practically threw himself into Olivia's arms. Gripping her tightly, Olivia began to cry softly when she heard Peter's uncontrollable sobbing. And that's where they stayed- sobbing together in the dim light of the kitchen.
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