I find my cousin in her dormitory, reading on her bed. She sits up immediately when she sees me, but her smile falters when she sees my expression. I march wordlessly into her arms, already feeling the sting of tears threatening to escape.
"Da'len, what's wrong? What happened?" she frets, rubbing my back in an attempt to console me. "Idon'twannyoutodie," I squeak into her neck.
"Hmm?"
"I—" I peel myself off her. "I don't want you to die," I try to say without my voice breaking, as I frantically brush away tears.
Neria looks stunned. "I'm not going to die," she says, confused. "Who told you I'm going to die?"
"No one, but we were talking about the Tranquil, and I asked Jowan, and he said that people can die doing their Harrowing, and you and Jowan are both old enough that you might have to do your Harrowing soon, and, and," the rest of my words fail me, but Neria seems to understand anyway.
"Listen, da'len, listen to me. I'm not going to die. Jowan is not going to die. No one is going to be doing any dying anytime soon, if I have anything to say about it," she assures me, sitting me down beside her on the bed.
Jowan appears in the doorway, looking guilty.
"Will you give me a moment, da'len?" Neria says sweetly, closing the door behind her. I can only make out a few words of the ensuing conversation from where I'm sitting:
"…Were you thinking?!"
"She asked whether…!"
"You had no right…!"
"I'm not…!"
"Nine years old…!"
"I'm sorry, I…!"
"…again."
The door opens. I pretend to be preoccupied with an exposed thread on the blanket. Neria stalks back inside. "From now on, if you want to know about something, come and ask me, ok?" She says, sitting down cross-legged and pulling me onto her lap.
I lean my head back against her shoulder, emotionally drained. "Okay."
That night, I can't sleep. I keep replaying today's events in my head, as well as every interaction I've had with a Tranquil mage since arriving here. I'm staring into space when I notice torchlight dancing under the door, and the tell-tale clanking of templar armour. I wait until both fade before investigating. I open the door slowly, and peek into the corridor. Jowan is standing in the doorway of his dorm, wringing his sleeves.
I tiptoe over. "What happened?" I whisper.
Jowan shoots me an apologetic glance before whispering back. "They came to take Neria to her Harrowing."
All hope of sleep that night evaporates. Jowan tells me to go back to my dorm, that he'll tell me as soon as he hears anything. I spend the rest of the night staring at the door, waiting to see torchlight and hear clanking metal again. I blink, and suddenly sunlight is streaming through the slim tower windows, and the morning routine has begun. I hide under my blanket.
Miss Filia eventually notices and comes over. "Faellathi, what's wrong? Why aren't you getting ready?" she asks, genuinely concerned. So far, any disobedience I've displayed has been accidental, and unmistakeably so. I peel the blanket down off my face.
"Neria is doing her Harrowing," I offer blandly, staring at nothing.
"…Ah. If you like, we can just say you're not feeling well today. I'll see if I can find out if there's any news when class starts," Miss Filia decides. Maker bless Miss Filia.
True to her word, Miss Filia returns a little while later. "Good news, she's alright," Miss Filia smiles, evidently relieved. I for one feel like I can breathe properly again. "They brought her back to her bed in the early hours of this morning, but she hasn't woken up yet. Don't worry, she will!" Miss Filia adds quickly when she sees my eyes grow wide. "A Harrowing is an ordeal, it's normal to sleep a lot or even feel unwell afterwards."
The main point is, she survived. Neria is safe from the Harrowing now. I let out another sigh of relief. Miss Filia notices and laughs. "Now that the storm has passed, you can go and get something to eat from the breakfast hall, it's still open for another half hour. Then you can go and visit your cousin."
Neria is still asleep when I enter her dormitory. Jowan's pulled up a seat by her bunk to read, but he stands up when he notices me. "Hey, Faellathi," he says softly.
"Hey."
"Sorry about yesterday."
"It's okay. Neria still hasn't woken up yet?"
"Not yet, no. Would you like to sit? I can pull up another chair."
I oblige, taking Jowan's seat. Neria looks tired, even more than usual. I stroke her hair, willing her to wake up to prove that she's ok.
"She'll be a fully qualified mage now," Jowan offers, having pulled up his own chair. "She'll get fancy new robes, and she'll move to the mage quarters upstairs, which are way nicer than the dormitories."
I think Jowan is trying to comfort me with this knowledge, but honestly, what did it matter? Maybe we won't be able to spend as much time together now; she won't be sleeping next door, she'll be sitting at a different table at mealtimes and a different pew at chantry. I'll have to wait until I'm grown up and have been put through my own Harrowing, and that's an impossibly long time away from now. And what if I don't survive my Harrowing? I shake my head in an attempt to banish these thoughts, which are getting darker by the second.
Jowan looks like he's about to say something else, but Neria chooses that moment to start stirring. She observes both of us blearily through her eyelashes. "No more Fade, then?" she mumbles.
Jowan sighs, relieved. "I'm glad you're alright. They carried you in this morning before dawn; hardly anyone realised you'd been gone all night." Neria nods, then winces.
"Are you alright?" I pipe up, worried.
Neria smiles wanly. "I'm alright, da'len."
"What was it like, the Harrowing?"
Neria considers. "It was… harrowing."
I roll my eyes. "Is that all you're allowed to say?"
"Fae…"
"Alright alright, I'll drop it. I'll go get you some water," I stand up and make my way over to the water tap on the other side of the room. I fill a cup of water, and head back, but I notice Jowan and Neria's voices have dropped to private conversation level, so I hesitate. Their voices carry though, especially because not many people are in the dorm at the moment, so I can't help but take the opportunity to listen in.
"I've been here longer than you have… sometimes I think they just don't want to test me. And you know what happens. You do the Harrowing, the Rite of Tranquillity, or you die.
"…They're not going to kill you, Jowan."
"They might not. But the Rite of Tranquillity is just as bad…maybe worse. They force it on those they feel are weak, and on apprentices they think might be too… dangerous as mages."
"They wouldn't force Tranquillity on someone without their consent though, would they?"
"I don't know what they would and wouldn't do."
I take the pause in the conversation as my opportunity to officially return, cup of water in hand. Jowan shakes his head. "I shouldn't waste your time with this. I was supposed to tell you to see Irving as soon as you woke up." I hand Neria the cup, and she takes a sip.
"What for?"
"He didn't tell me. About the Harrowing, I guess, but you never know with Irving. You'd better not keep him waiting, we can speak later."
Neria agrees, getting out of bed. She stretches, then gives me a quick hug. "I'll see you soon, then, da'len. Maybe during your library time?" I nod, satisfied, and give her a peck on the cheek.
"See you soon."
