I think we underestimate how alone Meredith was after she left Seattle.
I miss your touch some nights when I'm hollow
She didn't think much of it. Women miss their periods all the time, especially when they're stressed. And what could be more stressful than picking up your life and driving down the West Coast? To literally the furthest metropolis she could get from Seattle in this direction?
Burying the love of your life takes a toll on a woman too.
San Diego was warm, and she wasn't used to that. Boston was freezing. New Hampshire was basically a tundra. Seattle gloomed and doomed three quarters of the year. She needed warmth. Zola and Bailey needed warmth. They needed sun and fresh air because the walls of that house had been creeping in on her, and she couldn't breathe.
Most of all, she needed a place where she thought she didn't have to think of him. San Diego seemed random enough, but he followed her every fucking where she went. He was in her son's eyes and her daughter's laugh. And now, here he was, looking at her in the form of a positive pregnancy test.
They had been here for almost two months now. And she'd been a walking ghost, mustering up the little life she had to put on a brave face for her kids.
She sat on the cold tiles of the bathroom floor, staring at the stick in front of her. Breathing deeply, she tried to remain calm. The kids had just been put to sleep, and she was sure if she started screaming like she wanted to right now, they'd surely wake up.
She didn't get it. What had she done that was so horrible that the world decided to put her through all this shit? Everyone loved to tell her how strong she was, but she didn't want to be strong. She had to be. She'd been in survival mode all her life because the alternative was to drown in her own grief.
She wanted Derek. She wanted him right here, right now so badly that it was twisting her insides. The pain was so unbearable, she felt like someone had pierced her heart with a dull knife that went through her back. Her head was throbbing and her throat was closing up. This was worse than the stress she felt in that OR when the gunman had threatened to let her husband die.
It hurt like it had never hurt before, and as she placed a hand on her chest and one covering her mouth, ready to let the pain consume her, a vague memory had kicked in. The last time she was this distressed, she had miscarried.
Almost immediately, she had tried to even her breaths, closing her eyes and relaxing her shoulders. She reached up to open the sink drawer in front of her, finding a small paper bag to breathe into as she sat back down on the floor.
Slow deep breaths, Meredith. Slow deep breaths. Her mind heard him say as she complied.
She leaned to rest her head on the cool wall, and if she thought hard enough, she could almost feel that it was his shoulder he was pressing into, just like she had all those years ago in a supply closet.
"I'm not okay," she whispered tiredly to the dead silent air.
Before she could even process any more thoughts, her motherly instincts had kicked in as soon as she heard a faint cry from the other room. On autopilot, she raised to her feet and shut the lights, pacing to soothe a fussing Bailey.
The doctor had smiled at her differently ever since her first appointment. She knew that look as she sat on the stirrups, listening half-heartedly to her words. Pregnant woman in her mid-thirties, no wedding ring, and no father present at any of the ultrasounds.
She almost wanted to laugh at her doctor's overly reassuring tone, probably pitying the situation it seemed her patient was in.
"Well, Ms. Grey, you're looking great. Baby looks perfectly healthy for the near end of the second trimester."
Meredith nodded and smiled back with lackluster. She was tired, that's all she knew. These days, she just tried to make it from sun up till sundown.
When she found out she was pregnant again, there wasn't any time to wallow in self-pity. Bailey needed constant attention and he had just started talking in longer sentences. Zola needed stability, still a little confused as to where daddy went, but noting how sad Mommy looked when she'd ask. She needed to take care of them and the life inside of her.
She went on to take her prenatal pills. She stayed hydrated, ate right, and exercised lightly. She took care of the kids and only cried when she knew they were completely asleep.
This morning was difficult. Her morning sickness seemed to be triggered by Zola's favorite oatmeal and Bailey cried when she dropped them off at the preschool. She had made it to her appointment with little time to spare.
"So, how are you feeling?" the doctor asked as she handed Meredith a Kleenex to wipe off the gel on her decently protruded belly.
"Oh, you know. Tired," she shrugged dismissively. "Baby's starting to really kick me." Her light laugh evident as she reminisced feeling the little legs moving this past week. She had recruited Zola and Bailey to talk to it to calm it down, and they happily obliged to tell it about their day.
"That's a great sign. Baby's got a lot of energy already," she smiled, finally noting a light in her patient's eyes she's never seen before. "Speaking of which, I just wanted to let you know that I was able to peek at the baby's sex if you're interested."
"Oh," she stammered. She hadn't even thought that far. Her last pregnancy was all about the baby's health and she was so focused on trying to take care of herself, she didn't have time to daydream about what to expect when she actually gave birth.
That's not a finger.
Aww! It's a boy.
"I- uh," Meredith suddenly exclaimed at a loss for words as a bittersweet memory popped before her.
"No pressure at all, Meredith," Dr. Santiago remarked soothingly as she noted a sudden panic in her. She put her hand soothingly on Meredith's slightly trembling one. "You have all the time in the world."
"No, it's just–" she blurted out. She was still trying to figure out how to do this alone, no one's hand perfectly encased in hers as they basked in the joy of a new baby together. Finding out the gender was one of the most exciting parts of her last pregnancy. She was going to try her best to make the most of it again. "I'd love to know today. But everything else about the baby is completely fine, right?"
The doctor smiled at the mother's concern, rolling off her next sentence slowly and reassuringly. "Your baby has ten fingers and ten toes. Heartbeat is strong. Your prenatal screening had no indications of complications. And she is perfectly fine. Your daughter is the picture of health."
Meredith exhaled in wonder. "A girl?" her green eyes glinted in the light as the doctor nodded in response.
Dr. Santiago had eventually sent her off with a final congratulations and a picture of the sonogram from earlier that Meredith kept tucked safely in her purse.
They were having a daughter.
Zola and Bailey were more than excited about their future baby sister. They had spent an entire hour after dinner telling her about the ducks at the pond they went to after Mama had picked them up.
She finally wrangled them into bed and did some light cleaning before scooting up on her side of the bed, resting her back against the headboard as she caressed her belly in circles, humming absentmindedly.
She didn't kick much tonight and seemed to feel that her mother was relaxed too. Meredith could feel her calm down after one final light boot for the night and sighed.
She closed her eyes peacefully and swallowed the lump that was forming in her throat. The parallels she could draw between this pregnancy and the last were more painful than ever. The difference one more person on the bed made was everything.
"I hope she looks like you," she whispered ever so softly, even she could barely hear her own voice. "Doctor says she's perfect."
She didn't bother wiping off the tears that freely streamed down her cheeks, still having enough strength not to quiver. "Another daughter. We would've been outnumbered anyway." she scoffed lightly.
Her head didn't really know what to think about or what memory of him to pinpoint to comfort her. She breathed quietly as the tears gathered down her chin, causing her shirt to stain.
"I…I miss you," she hiccuped out before exhaling deeply. She swears that all of a sudden, warmth enveloped her. The kind that felt familiar and homey. The one she thought dreams were made of.
She scooted down and lay her head on her pillow, falling asleep to an invisible embrace. She'd take it for now. There was no kiss on her shoulder or arm draped on her waist or the familiar scent of home. She's felt hollow since the day she let him go, but for once, even just for the spark of a second, she felt the life inside her filling the emptiness that heart had once beat with, like he was there all along.
A/N: Every time I rewatch clips for inspiration and research, it kills me a little bit inside. The show glossed over her year of disappearance but really think about it. She was a pregnant single mother of 2 very young children who had just lost her husband. I never fully appreciated when she told Amelia "I don't get to (fall apart) because I have three kids" until writing this snippet.
To answer darkntwistymer's question, this is another one-shot collection with a recurring theme. I'll try to make some or most of them connect as much as possible though. Thanks for your review! :)
