The First Hole Is Always The Hardest
"Star, there will be days when it's so hard you just wanna run away," Star heard her mother's voice in her dreams that night. "When your stomach feels hollow, and when your heart just feels heavy. But when you feel this way, when you just wanna run away from the pain, you have to realize something so very important."
"But, Mommy?" young Star mumbled with a frown. "Why would I ever feel that way?"
"Everyone does eventually, sweetheart," her mother said honestly, but she still placed a soothing hand in her daughter's hair. "Yet you must remember the most important thing; the most important lesson I will ever teach you."
In response to those words, though, young Star didn't have anything else to ask or say. She merely stared down into her mother's trusting yet dull eyes, the fire beside her bed making them shimmer. And yet, even though Star knew this was a dream which she had had many times before, she couldn't shake the same exact feeling of the moment it happened. Even more so now when she knew that her mother's words would create the person Star was today.
"You must remember to have courage…and be kind," her mom said while moving her pale hand to Star's cheek. "Even if others treat you the opposite, you must try your best to keep these words within your heart." Star felt a tear run down her cheek after her mom placed a hand over her heart. "You are one of the most wonderful people I know, my precious Star. So please, even after I leave, you must always try your best to be kind and courageous above all. Sometimes it will be hard, but if you do succeed, it will make you the strongest person anyone will know."
And only a few days later, her mother died on that bed.
Star was left to cry with her father, while her father was left to cry alone in his empty bed.
It hurt so much, and it still hurt so much today.
So when Star awoke the next morning, there were a few tears in her eyes. She slowly sat up in her bed, needing to quickly wipe one way that had actually fallen. It hurt, yes, but Star wouldn't let anyone see it. They'd reject her pain like everyone else in the world. Including herself.
WHISTLE! But just then, a strange trumpet played and a whistle whistled. These abrupt sounds snapped Star fully out of her just-awake daze, making Star ultimately remember…where the hell she was: Camp Green Lake. Camp Green Lake: A camp in the middle of the desert that made you dig holes. Camp Green Lake: the place her mother and father used to tell her all about. And Camp Green Lake: the place she now lived for the next eighteen months.
She now had a job to do, too.
Dig her first hole.
"Ugh!" she heard almost every one of the boys grumble from the other side of her wall, while she merely got up and started getting ready. Changing her one orange jumpsuit into another orange jumpsuit, Star actually felt fully awake. Yeah, she was a little depressed, but that was only because of her dream. And as she tied up her lack shoes, those sad feelings only worsened.
It was like a cold.
First, it started out fine - ignorable even.
But as the hours went on, it only started getting worse. Because the moment you thought "oh, maybe I have a cold," the symptoms only got worse. And worse. And worse. Maybe worse until you realized you had a fever or the flu.
That was what Star's grief was like.
And it was relentless, since it came in many forms.
Just putting on her shoe like then, for instance, reminded her of when her mother would softly tie her shoes as a child. The way her mother was so patient in the way she taught Star how to do it herself, and would never shun her for getting it wrong. Nevertheless, that was what her cleaning around the house was for: distraction. So now that Star couldn't do that, she went to the next best thing.
Digging.
So Star got up from her cot, gave her three rodent friends a friendly scratch and held her mother's necklace around her neck, before walking out into the rest of the tent. There, even though it was dark, she saw the seven boys already getting ready themselves. However, when they saw Star already done, all of them hung their mouths open in shock.
"Chica, you're already done?" Magnet was the first to ask. "Do you secretly like diggin' holes?"
Star giggled at this, making the seven boys gulp at that…smile. "Heh, maybe."
It wasn't that she was used to it.
It was that she was used to the physical exhaustion.
The way Camp Green Lake treated their boys was the same way Star's family treated her. The thing that none of them knew, though, was that being treated like that didn't help: it only made it worse.
Torture only brought an even more tortured soul.
"…Smiling faces! Smiling faces!" Dr. Pendanski yelled to the group once he and Mr. Sir had reached the 'Library'. "The early mole digs the deepest hole! Shovels on the left, tortillas on the right! Let's go!"
There were only stars in the sky and a moon flying above. Not even a peep of a sunrise could be seen in the desert that morning. All the boys looked tired - asleep even - and Star could only feel sympathy for them. How long had they been doing this for? How many months? Years? That they still weren't used to it? To this? None of the boys here seemed older than eighteen, and to Star's standards, that age was still a child. There was so much more learning to do, things to see, and these boys were stuck here.
Alone.
Confused.
Seen as mere criminals.
Star could only wonder, as she got into the shovel line beside Stanley, what these boys did to deserve this treatment.
"Ain't that somethin'?"
"An actual girl…"
"What is she doin' here?"
And what caused them to look at her in such a strange, passionate way.
"Okay, come and get it! Let's go!" Mr. Sir then shouted once he unlocked the library of shovels. "Come on, Magnet! Open them peepers! Let's go! Let's go!"
"Star, how do you do it?" Stanley asked her groggily as he rubbed his eyes. "You're totally not human."
"Yeah, I don't think so either," Star joked back, stepping up in line. "But what can ya do?"
Stanley and Star then took their pick of shovels before heading over to the tortilla line. The tortillas themselves were just two things: tortillas and honey. That was it. Both would have been disgusted by the slimy texture, but then again, what could they do?
"Heads still in the pillow!" While Mr. Sir continued on his rant. "This ain't no dreamland! It's… It's reality!"
"Let's go, hotshots! Step up and get your…"
However, Star and Stanley both stopped listening to Dr. Pendanski's enthusiasm right when X-Ray suddenly yanked the shovel in Stanley's hand into his own hand. X-Ray promptly placed a different shovel onto the ground, glaring at the brown-haired boy as he walked passed. Regardless, Star did the kind thing she always did and picked up the shovel for Stanley, handing it to him right after. And yeah, she was slightly surprised by the events, but Camp Green Lake was just…like that.
"Hey, man, you picked up X-Ray's shovel," Magnet commented after Stanley thanked Star and took the shovel. "It's shorter than the rest of 'em."
Ohhh. Star realized. If there was a smaller shovel, then-
"Smaller shovel, smaller hole," Squid suddenly took the words right out of her mouth. He held up his honey-tortilla to Stanley with a smirk as he said this and then frowned when he glanced at Star. "And don't you be complainin' all day, girlie. I don't wanna hear your annoying voice."
"I wouldn't dream of it, Squid!" Star beamed, regardless of how narcissistic Squid was acting. "I won't even peep a word!"
"Sure…" He gave her one last look. "Weirdo."
"…You okay, Stanley?" Star then asked once they started walking again, making the boy himself let out a long sigh.
"Yeah… I'm good."
It was time to go into the desert.
"Oh sinners!"
As Star and Stanley walked side-by-side once more, the girl heard one of her favorite songs start playing in her head.
"Let's go down! Let's go down!"
The sun was finally starting to rise, a blanket of yellow and orange cascading across the sky.
"Let's go down!"
Of course, the curious stares of the other boys eyed her still, but she could barely pay no mind as it was so, so hot. Plus, the rest of her tent mates were around her, so none of them could get close.
"Oh sinners!"
The seven of them had a job to do.
"Let's go down!"
Maybe even a prize to win.
"Down to The Valley…"
So, with Zero in front and ready to go, the group marched through the desert.
"To pray."
Mr. Sir already waiting for them in his truck.
"This ain't a Girl Scout camp! Nobody's gonna babysit ya!" Mr. Sir furthermore said while Star and Stanley stood before him. Everyone else was already starting their hole digging. "Start diggin' 'round here, you two. Now, if ya find anything interesting, you report it to me or Pendanski. If the Warden likes what you find, ya get the rest of the day off."
Again, Star and Stanley shared a look. "What are we looking for, Mr Sir?"
"Yer not lookin' for anythin'," Mr. Sir replied to them both. "Yer buildin' character. You take a bad boy, make him dig holes all day in the hot sun, it turns him into a good boy… Or girl now, I guess. Still, that's our philosophy at Camp Green Lake." The man then nodded to the ground. "Start diggin'."
With a shovel in hand, Star and Stanley got to work. There was dust whipping past their bodies, a sun now staring to blare down onto them. Neither of them had ever needed to dig a hole before, but they started nonetheless. They had to - for the Warden and for themselves - do this task even if they didn't want to or knew how.
That was the reality that set it.
They had no choice.
The only thing they had left was the ground vs. the shovel.
"Stanley, c'mon…" Star consoled after the boy tried to hit the ground with the shovel, only to fall onto the ground. She held out a hand to him, which he took, and hoisted the boy back up. "I know it's not the best, but we gotta try and make it through this."
"How can you stay so calm?" Stanley questioned sadly. "So…positive?"
"Heh, isn't it obvious?" Star smiled that kind smile of hers. "It's because I have you!"
No one had ever said anything like that to Stanley, especially a girl he had only really met yesterday. Star was somebody that could find a little optimism in any situation, and had the power to lift someone up in the best way possible. It was inspirational. So, Stanley thought then and there, if he had Star, then…
"Yeah." Stanley managed to smile with a nod. "I can do this."
Star nodded back. "Great."
And all around them, the six other boys secretly watched the exchange in wonder. While the rest of the camp watched only the girl.
"Get your water, dog. Get your water."
"Here comes the water!"
They both had red calluses on their hands, sweat lining their entire body, and mouths as dry as the air around them. Star had gotten more of a hole than Stanley, but that didn't mean she felt any better. Sure, she was used to manual labor like this: she cleaned that ginormous house three times a day. But this… Oh, but digging holes like this in the hot sun…
How would this make anyone a "good boy"?
It just made them tired.
So very, very tired.
"The first hole's the hardest, huh?" Magnet teased them both while they walked toward where everyone else was. "Awww. Your poor hands, chulo! You gonna need a bandaid?"
"Thank you for your concern," Star smiled politely at him, "but I think I'll be fine, Magnet."
Magnet showed her a weird look yet again. "If you say so…"
And it was true. Star was fine, while she also held no malice in her words toward Magnet's snarky comment. She was fine and well, even with her achy body and bloody hands. Plus, where they were all headed now was Mr. Sir's water truck. So, with her plastic jug, she stood patiently in line behind everyone else.
However, someone else would be joining her and Stanley in the back.
"What are you doin', man!?" she heard Magnet shout, making her see said boy being pushed by Squid.
"Get in your place, Magnet!"
"Don't touch me, man!" Magnet barked back, now being right in front of Stanley in line. "Damn puta…"
Even though Star had only been here for one day, she had started noticing a certain aspect between the six boys in D-Tent. It was subtle yet not - quiet yet loud - yet Star had started seeing it almost immediately. Especially after the action she had just witnessed. There seemed to be a ranking system between these boys, Star concurred. And if she looked from the front of the water line to the back, she could practically see the leader to the peasants.
X-Ray was in the front and already getting water: he was the leader.
Armpit was second: X-Ray's most trusted friend.
Squid was third: X-Ray's right-hand man.
Zigzag was forth, while Manget was fifth, and Zero was sixth. Star may have not known the reason for those three, but maybe it had something to do with how long they had been at camp for. Or maybe it was as simple as X-Ray's opinion of them. Still, it was interesting. Star had never really hung out with boys before, so she didn't really understand anything about them. Was this system in place because they were boys? Or was it because they were at a camp like this?
Yeah, Star still had a lot to learn.
More so, those nicknames of theirs continued to puzzle Star. Why were they named the way they were named? Again…
Why?
"So, how was your first day, Sirius and Yelnats?" Star then abruptly heard Mr. Sir ask the both of them once he finished filling X-Ray's canteen. "Got some blisters on ya?"
"Big, fat blisters!" Magnet mused happily, causing the older man to smirk as well.
"Yeah? Well, don't worry. Everything turns to callus eventually - that's life. Next!"
But then Star and Stanley witnessed something amazing: Almost an hour after getting water, Zero was done. Zero, the smallest, youngest one in Tent-D, had finished first. Star was more proud than shocked, while Stanley was the opposite.
"You finished already?" Stanley had asked him as Zero walked passed.
"Don't you know, man?" Magnet shoveled some dirt out of his hole. "He's, like, the fastest digger in camp."
"He's a mole," Squid also cut in. "I think he eats the dirt."
Zigzag nodded. "Yeah, he's a weird dude."
"…Moles don't eat dirt." However, when X-Ray and Star stated this at the same time, they both glanced over at one another. "You know that? …Hey…"
"Wait," while Squid just stared confusedly, "they don't?"
"Yeah, worms eat dirt," X-Ray then added once he ended his stare with Star, causing Star to let out a kind giggle.
"Yes, they actually do. Their nutrition comes from the soil they dig through to survive. Same with roots and decaying leaves."
"Seriously…?" Armpit was the first to ask, sweat lining his brow. "How you know?"
"I'm sort of an animal nerd…" Star shrugged sheepishly as all eyes were on her. Their stares were oddly hotter than the sun itself. "I know really weird facts about them, too."
"Like wha?" Squid questioned with a tilt of his head. "Tell us some."
"You…" The girl gulped. "You really wanna know?"
"I do," Zigzag commented as he raised his hand high above his hole. "Especially if you got anythin' reptile-like…"
"Oh! I do, actually! I know some interesting facts about an animal that lives here!" Star said in a cheerful voice, prompting each of the boys to stare harder at her. "Y'know rattlesnakes? Even though they're reptiles, they have live-births - so no eggs. They also only eat once every two weeks, being that they live all the way out here. Still, though, baby rattlesnakes are very dangerous. Even when first born and starving. Their facial pits also sense-"
"Damn, Barfbag really picked the best animal to do it." However, when Armpit interrupted her, something in Star's heart sank. "He could have done it with a new-born baby."
"That damn baby got knocked out by a baby," Squid said while hitting the dirt with his shovel. "Perfect way out."
"…Huh?" both Stanley and Star muttered quizzically at their words. "Who's 'Barfbag'?"
"Look on your canteen, dude," X-Ray told Stanley with a nod. "That was Barfbag's old one, and that bed you sleepin' in was his too."
"Then… Then where is he now?" Star asked, causing Zigzag to smile wickedly.
"He got bit by a rattler. On purpose."
"He wanted to get out," Magnet added. "Barfbag didn't care about the pain."
"Wow, I… That's…" Star stammered out and then gulped. "So… So you're saying that Camp Green Lake is so bad that someone would go through excruciating pain just to get out?"
"Girl, you have no idea," Squid suddenly snapped at her, a glare within his brown eyes. "I'm bettin' you'll do the same soon. The first day's fun."
Star tilted her head at this. "In what way…?"
"Since the second day makes it real," he answered simply. "The first day is just a fucking joke."
