Silver Lining (Jazmine Sullivan)


Santana POV


FULL OF GRACE REHABILITATION CENTER

DAY 85


When I left the music room the night before, Doc had asked for me to come see her after breakfast instead of going to group.

She told me that I needed to reset after that day with Britt, so we'd have a real session and review what was coming for me in the next 5 days with my open visitations on the horizon.

I was torn up over B and this Grady dude but I had been here with her before...more than once. Every time she goes off the meds, she starts to fall in love with everyone, more importantly, she starts to second guess us and I had reached a limit.

After months of fighting my own demons, spending time away from my babies and my family...after a coma, seizures, heart surgery and insurmountable losses...well fuck, I couldn't go back to a time where I rolled over and took whatever shit was handed to me.

Ending things with her, setting her free so she could go figure her shit out was my last resort even if it was necessary. She'd lost something big too and had been throwing herself into work to avoid sinking into a depression...and this dude filled a void, it explained why she wasn't seeing the kids as often. She was off her meds and distracted.

I knew what a loss as big as losing your sister could do to you...it threw you off your axis and made you do things that you wouldn't normally do.

Or even make you relapse...like I had.

So she could do this with him and I wasn't going to stress about it. I think I just had reached a point within that just told me that we would always belong to each other and that she'd find her way back to me, one way or another.

I wasn't chasing her and I was actually okay.

All of this was temporary.

The silver lining was that I had been through months of therapy and I had learned some serious processing skills.

I had to do what I had to do for me and my kids while she figured her shit out without my prodding.

So maybe I cried all through my night time routine and maybe I wrote a four page long journal entry about it but then, I dropped to my knees and I prayed.

And when I had no more words left, I pulled out those pictures of my babies and reminded myself of what I was fighting for.

Everything I was and everything that I did was for them.

So I prayed for us, for our future and for the presence of mind to do what was best for them always,

And that meant following through on a threat that I made to Britt earlier that day.

Going home to Lima with the kids for the rest of the summer made sense.

It felt right.


When I woke up the next morning on day 85, I took a hot shower and then took my time brushing my hair and teeth. All throughout, I sang to myself and was not paying any attention to CiCi.

So when I stepped out of the shower and she was sitting against the sink, her face in a smirk.

"You okay?"

"I'm great."

"How long were you on your knees last night?"

"Wanky." I said and then let out a huge laugh that felt so damn good.

"I did not expect this mood...you aren't about to like break down right? This isn't one of those mania things, is it?"

"No, Cecilia. I'm genuinely okay...hurry up in here, I'm hungry."

She look stunned and I just grinned as I left the bathroom.

I pulled out Henry and read through all of my words from the night before and a memory hit me.

Leaving New York for Lima...I'd done it last year, back when I needed an escape from B.

For months I had been trying to get back to this self-assured version of myself and here it was.

I was back.

Hot fucking damn.

I was going to be okay.

Day 85

June 22, 2013

Dear Henry,

I'm going to be okay. God is great, today is a blessing.

All is good.

-S


Instead of journaling during breakfast while CiCi did her work, I actually got up for seconds after finishing my food..

"Where are you going?" CiCi asked, thrown off by my getting up before the buzzer.

"Hungry." I said, "Want anything?"

"Uh...another apple juice, thanks."

I nodded and walked with my tray back to the front.

The food attendant smiled at me, I swiped my wristlet and she actually hesitated.

"You ate."

"I did."

"Have you left this room?"

"No."

"Okay, to keep you on plan," Which just meant not allowing me to binge which was the opposite of the spectrum from the anorexia...bulimia looked healthy sometimes from the outside because you were eating...it was just the after that got dicey. So I got it and didn't let it bother me...this was for my own good and I appreciated it. "You can only get half of a breakfast serving."

"That's fine. Just want f-fruit and juice."

She nodded and then took my tray, she filled up my bowl with fruit salad and gave me a croissant.

"What kind of juice?"

"CiCi asked for apple...can I get two of those?"

She hesitated again but then glanced past me.

"It's okay, Vicki...that one is for me." She called out.

As I walked back towards the table, I noticed a few stares but I just lifted my chin and focused on the table.

I slid next to CiCi so my back was to the room and slid her the juice. A few tears escaping that I quickly wiped away.

"You okay?"

"Just h-hormones...I'm ok."

"Thanks for this...are you sure that's it?"

"Didn't know how strict the plan was." I said, allowing myself a moment of self pity.

"Dr. Clover made this plan for you so that you never ended up in triage again...that's what you want, right?"

"Yeah."

"Then look at it like that...keep looking for the silver linings, Santana. Be the woman that I saw this morning, confident and self assured. You're going to beat this because that's just who you are. You're a fighter...don't let the bullshit get you down."

I nodded and then ate my fruit as I paged through my journal again.

Then I smirked.

"Did you just curse, Ci?"

"I'm not a nun, I just try to be a good example."

"Thanks, CiCi."


By the time I got to Doc's office, I was back to my pre-breakfast self thanks to CiCi.

"Sup Doc." I said to her as I walked into her office.

She was sitting at her desk, her chin resting on her palm as she looked me over.

"Come sit with me." She said, gesturing to a chair in front of her desk instead of letting me sit on the big comfy couch like I normally did when I did come to her office.

"Uh oh, am I in trouble." I teased as I slid into my chair.

She sighed and then rubbed her forehead before sliding a piece of paper over to me.

It was a chart and I looked at her in confusion. "What is this?"

"Your trend lines. Every time you have a traumatic event, you spiral in some way. You are just five days away from being allowed visitation, which means in theory, you could have a person visit every day. My concern, if you look here," She pointed to a red line. "Each time you have had a visitor, your trend line plummets."

"So, wait...is this about getting more food?"

She rolled her eyes.

"Yes and no."

"Meaning?"

"On the surface, I got pinged when you tried to eat again. If it had been any other day, I would be patting you on back but because of last night, I just wanted to be sure that you aren't on the precipice of something larger."

"Page CiCi." I said.

"Why?"

"Just...please?"

She clicked around on her tablet and then sat back in her chair.

"You don't look like you're spiraling, trust me, it would have been Officer Coleman in your face with a cup, making sure you didn't find some way to get high last night...but I didn't report last night. I wanted to see where your head was at this morning."

"I'm fine." I bit back, feeling a bit pissed off but trying to restrain my anger.

The door opened and in walked CiCi looking worried.

"You paged?"

"Santana actually wanted me to page you, shut the door and come sit."

Once CiCi was sitting there with me, I smiled at her. "Can you tell her...about last night and this mo-morning?"

"Do I get to know what this is about?"

"Please, Cecilia." Dr. Clover asked.

"Okay, like I told you last night, she was a mess for a little bit. I was on standby just in case but I gave her space like you asked me to. She eventually stopped crying, opened her journal, pulled out pictures of her kids and prayed. I stayed up for as long as I could but she outlasted me. I woke up a few times in the night and she was still there. I checked the tapes, she never left the room. This morning, I was expecting to wake up to her either praying, off in the chapel, or asleep. Instead, her bed was made...which...never happens unless I remind her. She was singing in the shower and joking with me. Then she rushed me through getting ready because she was hungry."

"Was she?" Doc looked at me and I nodded.

"I was." I chimed in.

"What about at breakfast?"

"Normal...we ate together, she journaled, I studied and then she got up and told me she was still hungry. I asked for an apple juice and then they gave her grief about it...you were pinged about it...I let them know that I asked for the apple juice."

"Did she eat?"

"I am right here, doc." I sighed.

She held up her hand and continued to talk to CiCi. So I opened my journal and looked at my babies.

This was all for them.

"The second helping...did she?"

"She ate most of it and then when she was satisfied she stopped."

"Did you come straight here?" Doc asked me and I was honest.

"No. I stopped at the b-bathroom. I did not throw up."

"Okay." She nodded towards CiCi, "You can go."

"Are you sure? I can stay. It's my job to shadow and support."

"Do you feel like you need that, Santana?"

"No but if YOU do, please make it happen. I am an addict, I do have an eating disorder...I can be fl-flaky. I just had a h-heartbreak...on my b-birthday. CiCi is my homegirl."

Dr. Clover sighed and nodded.

"Maybe just for the next few days...I just don't want to be the cause of you needing to rebel. Do you understand? It's a fine line."

"I don't want to go back to tr-triage. I am going to do anything I can to stay out of there. CiCi can stick to me."

"It's settled then, CiCi will shadow you for today at the very least."

"Can I sit on the couch now?"

"You may...CiCi, I will page you when we're done."

"You got it." CiCi gave me pat on the shoulder and then left.


"Let's reset. I'm going to update my notes and I want you to write about how you felt this morning, being second guessed and questioned on your motives. Be candid."

"Okay."

"And Santana?"

I tucked my feet under my thighs as I balanced my journal in my lap and looked at her with the best smile I could muster...even if I was still a little pissed off.

"Yes?"

"I'm proud of you."

"Thanks." I muttered and then began to write but instead of an entry, it came out as lyrics.

I was bobbing my head to my mental beat machine and just writing my truth.

Then after a few minutes I sat back and read them back to myself, thinking of how the melody would go.

"Music?" She asked me.

"Yes."

"Do you want to go to the music room?"

I shook my head...right now that room still had the lingering presence of Brittany.

"Not today."

She looked surprised but I shrugged.

"Need a real session today...35 d-days to go."

"Do you want to share what you wrote?"

"Soon. It's not r-ready yet."

An alarm went off on her tablet and she nodded to herself, went to her medicine cabinet pulled out two pill bottles, grabbed a bottle of water and handed them to me.

"Once you're done taking those, we can start."

"Okay."


"So tell me how you are really feeling today, Santana?"

"Well...it's still my birthday week. So I'm t-trying to stay upbeat."

"Happy Birthday again. You're twenty, correct?"

"Yes. Hard to believe right?"

"I've seen a lot in my fifteen years in this job and I have to say you are definitely on the list of things that shock me."

"Gee...thanks?"

"It takes a lot to shock me so you should take that as a compliment!"

"Thanks."

"So, I think you had your fill of Brittany talk for a bit. Yes?"

"God, yes."

"I've had a few requests for phone calls today and yesterday. Did you want to call with anyone?"

"No. Honestly, I'd like to spend t-today just reflecting on my life. I'm officially not a te-teenager anymore and in almost a month, I will be leaving here as an adult. I can't burden my ne-network." I said as I picked with the gunk under my fingernail.

"Burden? How so?"

"I just think that I have bu-burdened them enough...I'm just ready to take control of my life, my sober life."

"How do you plan to do that? How serious are you about moving back to Ohio?"

"Going back to Lima plays a big part in my recovery. I'm just st-stagnant in New York. I came here to go to school and I'm not doing that. I'm just here."

"Is school off the table for you?"

"For right now, yes. I just want to go back to the start. I want to give my kids a more peaceful environment. Even if it's just for a little while. That's why I'm just going for the summer and then I will decide from there where I go."

"You've thought this through, I see since last night. Had that been the first time you'd admitted that desire to yourself. I could see the shock on your face as you said it."

"I didn't even know that's what I wanted but once I said it...I knew it was true."

"And what concerns do you have about repeating history?"

"Oh you mean how I took Isaac away for two weeks and B went nuts?"

"Yes and that was just for two weeks

"She's not with them anyway and it's just for the summer, she c-can't be mad at that."

"I think that she has made it quite clear that she can get mad over far less than that. I just need you to be aware of the potential discord it could cause if you don't tread lightly with Brittany."

"I can't hinge my bets on her. Not now. She needs to see this thing out with...that guy."

"Will you keep the door of communication open, at least?"

"Yes and I won't be running around with Su-Sugar."

"Or Ariana?"

"She has to be here for the sh-show...so no."

"Are you ready to handle a potential divorce that is final with your sobriety being so fresh?"

"I have to try. I'm going to attend N.A. and stay clean. This is still new, so I'm going to be v-vocal with my village and Britt."

"Good plan."

"Also, I'm probably going to recruit my old cheer coach to get me in shape...mind and body. With her around I won't have a ch-choice but to handle things."

"Is she strict?"

"She makes you look like Elmo."

She let out a huge bout of giggles.

"That's...that's funny!"

"Sue is not someone you pl-play around with."

"That sounds promising."

"I hope so."

"Normally when patients leave here, they aren't going home to support or well off enough to start fresh. You have an advantage with your ability to move around easily. Addiction doesn't care about your money or privilege. Maintaining a relationship with your sponsor is paramount in your recovery. Have you thought about that?"

"No but I need to. CiCi has been so am-mazing to me...I'm not sure how to go back home but stay connected."

"Internet...schedule time with her each day. Before or after meetings or in the morning, whatever works for you. For the first year, she should be the one person you talk to every single day, as many times as you need."

"Okay."

"Have that conversation with her today. That's your homework."

"That's it?"

"Yes. I really just want you to stick to your plan, be transparent, and manage your expectations."

"As always."

"Yes."

"Okay."

"I'll see you this evening, in the music room. I look forward to hearing what you're working on...even if it's just getting to see you figure out your melody. I need to know that you're staying on track today."

"Thanks, Doc."

"Have a good day, Santana."


Day 89

June 29th, 2013

Hey Henry,

Tomorrow is the first day of my final phase and despite the fact that I will have more freedom in just one day, Doc has stressed to me that today is all about planning for what's next.

I woke up this morning to clean the chapel and found her in there, praying. I've had inklings that she's been going through something that she hasn't told me about and I understand why she hasn't told me, I'm her patient, that would be unprofessional but when you spend every day with someone for three months, you tend to get attached. How could I not?

So, I ignored her at first but then I heard her voice break. When I knelt next to her, I placed my hand on hers and prayed with her. I didn't care right then if it was unprofessional, I just cared that she was hurting.

After praying with her for a few minutes, I got right back to work and when I went into the utility closet to get a broom, she left. I have therapy with her soon and I'm wondering if she'll recover.

This is me trying to manage my expectations because tomorrow is a big day for me.

I'm buzzing, I must be late.

Wish me luck.

-S


When I got to Doc's office, she was sitting on the big red couch, her eyes bloodshot, looking a mess.

"You get to be me for a little bit. Sit there." She pointed to her usual chair and I didn't hesitate. I shut the door and sat in her usual seat.

"Tell me how you're feeling today." I said to her and she gave me a sad smile.

"I lost my mom this morning." She said, "She'd always said that her and pop were going to be one of those couples that followed each other into death. It's been a month and now she's gone."

"Fuck." I said, then leaned forward and pulled a few tissues, handing them to her. "Why are you here today?"

"You got here late...did you know that?"

"Huh?"

"We only accept residents on a schedule. Everyone starts in the same week and ends in the same week. You got here in the middle of a month one of our patients died, that's how a spot opened at that time. The patient was mine, so you became mine in his place. You were my baby of the group on the day I found out I was pregnant. I took it as a sign, that I needed to look out for you extra...I'm here today because I had to see you to day 90."

"You're here for me?"

"I am and I'm glad to be. You are my only patient who has seen so much loss...I think I get it now, the rate at which you spiraled and you still fight. You still stopped what you were doing to comfort me this morning. This hurts more than anything and I never wanted to understand it this intimately."

"For that I am sorry, the pain ne-never goes away...you just get used to it. Like a mole...you didn't ask for it but now it's there."

"It sucks and now I'm taking valuable time from you."

"No. You don't get it do you, Doc. Even when I leave, y-you're stuck with me. We are tied...if you need anything, I'm here for you."

"Santana, you don't need to make me any promises."

"I know. You see, I'm super observant. What I kn-know is that, this wh-whole time you have been giving me preferential t-treatment. I'm your favorite, right down to the mystery of a wh-whole therapy set up in the music room."

"I don't have favorites."

"Oh so you do th-this with everyone?"

"No. Don't be absurd."

"We're friends. Admit it."

"Fine. At some point in the future when you are no longer my patient, there is a possibility that we could be homegirls."

I cackled at that.

"Awesome. I'd like that."

She smiled at that, wiped her face and then stood up. "Me too."

"Good."

"Okay. I'm ready."


Watching Doc bounce back after that mini breakdown was Oscar worthy, she went to her little powder room, cleaned her face and came back with fresh lip gloss and a smile.

"So, my best girl, tomorrow is a big day. Are you ready?"

"I don't know." I said, as I sat on the couch, my journal full to bursting and my mind churning.

"What are you unsure of?"

"I can pl-plan next steps but with the way my life is so random...so tough, there's only so much planning I can do."

"So we take it one step at a time...one moment at a time. For instance, tomorrow is day 90, what do you want to do with your day?"

"Do you th-think I will have visitors?"

She nodded.

"You will, if you want just not on day 90. I had a call from your sister on my voicemail yesterday morning. She wanted to know if it would be okay to bring your Sunday family dinner here."

"Wait, really?"

"Yes. I had to jump through hoops with the administration and Officer Coleman but they eventually agreed but with limits. CiCi must attend and you can only have three adults."

"Okay, that's fine."

"I never got the chance to call her back. I wanted you to be the one to make the call and firm up your plans with her...are you up for doing that now?"

"Okay."

"Will you be ready for that influx of people?"

"It depends on who the people are."

"That's understandable. Well, while I get your new schedule queued up, you should call your sister. I need my little tabby here...so use the laptop."

"Your kn-knack for naming things, is hilarious."

"Thanks, now if I could only just settle on a name for this little nugget...I'd be all set."

"You have time." I said as I pulled up Sandra's info on her laptop.


FULL OF GRACE REHABILITATION CENTER

DAY 93


For the last three days, I had been stepping out of the rehab and running along the lakeshore with CiCi. It felt good to get fresh air and to have enough freedom to walk outside when I had time in my schedule.

Dr. Clover had taken time off to go deal with her mom's arrangements so I was sitting through therapy exercises that she had left me with CiCi by my side. It was Sunday, which was always a more spread out day but the number one thing was always chapel from 6-9am.

It was the only time that every single person was in the same place at the same time and since it was staying my chore, I had to get up even earlier to light candles, incense and make sure that there was a bible at every seat.

Which meant that CiCi was also awake and cranky by the time we headed to breakfast at 10...since I also had to clean service.

"Can we stop at the room really quick?" I asked her and she grumbled and nodded.

"How are you able to keep moving around like this?"

"I'm a mom, I don't sleep."

"Sure."

We got back to the room and I pulled out my pump. I'd been aching all morning and with my period coming on, I was extra achy.

"I thought you did that after breakfast?"

"Have a kid, you'll see that th-this isn't so easy to control."

"Right, sorry. I'm just grumpy."

"I noticed."

"Can we talk while I do this?"

"Sure."

She sat across from me and crossed her legs, staring at me.

"I'm going to Lima when I leave."

"Dr. C, mentioned that."

"You are my sponsor."

"I am."

"So how will we m-manage?"

"I'm taking my last few classes in August for my masters. Otherwise, I'll just be here helping to get a new group started. I think we need to schedule time to talk...but you will need to set that time with me."

"After your coffee." I said and she nodded and gave me a thumbs up.

"Always...unless there's an emergency."

"Got it. I can just text you an emoji or something."

"Sure...are you um...excited to see your kids?"

"If they come, yes. It's been so long since I've been able to hug them. Video isn't enough."

"I can only imagine."

"It's tough, I don't want to be away from them ever."


After breakfast, we went for our run along the lakeshore before heading back to the music room for my therapy homework. CiCi seemed much calmer as she studied while I played.

We sat like that for a long while until CiCi got paged.

"Stay here, I'll be right back." She said to me and then left me there.

It was the first time in days that she wasn't hovering and I stopped playing, instead I sat in silence and enjoyed being able to just be without being watched.

Right back...wasn't right back.

I had finished my moment of silence and began to play again, I was on my second run of my favorite rondo when the door opened.

When I turned my head, the air left me.

There standing with his hand clutching the bottom of Q's skirt was Isaac with his big blue eyes huge.

"Hey Papa." I said before getting off the bench and dropping to my knees, holding my arms wide. "Come here."

"Mami!" He screeched as he toddled over to me.

The whole world disappeared as I held my arms open for my little boy who was already 15 months old.

He began running and my heart started racing because I didn't want him to fall but he seemed pretty confident so I waited with a huge smile on my face.

The moment that I held Isaac to my chest, I squeezed him so tight.

"Hi, Papa." I whispered as I kissed his face.

"Besos, Mami." he smiled as he gave me his cheek.

I stood to my feet with him in my arms and spun him around while kissing his face a dozen more times.

"Wee!" he screamed.

I heard a baby laugh and I stopped in my tracks as I looked over Isaac's shoulder.

There stood my mother holding Daniela with CiCi smirking at her side.

Daniela was a whole six months old now, she had teeth and was alert. I had missed so much and it made me ache but I couldn't harp on what I had missed.

Mami had pulled her chestnut colored curls into two little ponytails on top of her head.

She was gorgeous.

I walked over to my mother and dropped a kiss on her face.

"Bendicion, Mami! Thank you so much for this." I said as I stepped back and looked at her.

"I had to see you. This time just to see you and not to stir up drama. I missed you, Nanita." she smiled and then nodded her head towards the door behind me.

I spun around and there were my Sandra looking very pregnant.

"Uh...when did that happen?" I asked her and she grinned.

"I'm not a nun." She said, kissing my face. I rubbed her little baby bump and grinned.

"No, you certainly aren't."

It felt good to look at my family, even if there were some missing, this was more than enough for me.


"So San, are you excited to be coming home soon?" I spoon fed Isaac ice cream and was wrapped up in his expressions of delight and how he cocked his eyebrow at me when I looked away from him for too long.

"Kind of." I said honestly as I looked at Quinn, who had thankfully gone back to blonde.

We were sitting in the now by the lake, just me and my network.

"What do you mean, Sis?" Sandra asked as he nudged my shoulder.

"I know that things will be different and it scares me a bit. I w-want to leave New York as soon as possible." I admitted.

"How can we help?" That was Mami but from what I could see, they were all eager to make this transition easier for me.

"Well...honestly...I don't...I don't want to go back to that house." I admitted, after getting little tidbits from Q and Sandra about Britt having people staying there.

"No problem. I'll pack your stuff for you and when we pick you up next month, we will just take you to Sandra's since you have to stay in the state for another week after you leave here." Mami said.

"Are you sure...is that okay, Sandra?" I asked. Isaac grunted and I looked back down at him and choked back a laugh when I saw his glare. "Sorry, Papa." I said as I gave him the last spoon of ice cream.

"The kids are already at my house anyway, it will just be easier on you and the kids...it will be a lot to move them back to the city only to put them on a plane and move to Lima."

"You're right...okay. Thanks then."

I was exhausted by the time that everyone geared up to leave. I kissed my sister and my mother goodbye but was surprised that Quinn and the kids weren't moving.

"Your doctor said I could stay until the end of the day. Is that okay?" Q asked with a fussy Daniela in her arms.

"No it's fine...I just, I'm surprised."


We sat for a while, staring out at the water, CiCi was sitting in the grass rolling a ball back and forth with Isaac, looking like she was having the time of her life. I felt so peaceful, that Britt's non-presence didn't even ache. Quinn had been updating me on random stuff and then Daniela began to do that tired/hungry cry that hadn't changed and Quinn immediately handed her to me.

"She's still drinking your breast milk...do you want to...you know?"

I looked over at her in shock...but nodded hurriedly as I took my baby into my arms.

She looked up at me with wet eyes and I melted. Her eyes were so stormy and nearly black, like mine.

I unbuttoned my top and helped her to latch on.

That moment when I was able to feed her was honestly one of the top highlights of my day.

It was magic.

"Can I take him for a walk down by the water?" CiCi asked me, it was strange for her to be asking me for permission but it made sense.

It was quiet as I sat there with Quinn. I could tell that she had a lot on her mind as she zoned out, staring down at the water.

"Talk to me, Q."

"I'm not sure what to say, actually."

"Are you and my sister back together?" I asked as I looked down at my baby. Her eyes were drifting closed but then she would open them back up and try and watch me every time I moved.

"No. We tried but we agreed that this was it for us. She's already moved on...and so have I." I looked over at her in shock.

"You have?"

"Yea. I'm back with Rachel...she got out of rehab a few months back and she's back to being the determined pain in the ass she was back in high school. We are going strong and she is working on getting back into NYADA...in the meantime...she's working as a singing waitress in midtown but she's been back in Lima this last few weeks with me."

"You're kidding?" I smirked as I thought of how annoyed she must make her customers.

"Yea...she loves it and they love her."

"Wow...well...congratulations."

"Yea...we are taking it slow, I've been back in Lima and we've been talking everyday. Things will be different of course when I'm back. I'll be living in my dorm at Columbia and she's living with this annoying little twat...Dionne."

"As in-" I looked at her in disbelief.

"B told you about Dionne?" This was the first time anyone had made mention of Brittany.

"Yea."

"So you know about Grady then?"

"Why wouldn't I?"

"What do you mean?"

"Why wouldn't I already know about it."

"How? I mean, they just happened."

"Actually...they have been dating for months. She told me when she visited for my birthday."

"Shit." Quinn muttered. "That's so...wrong."

"Stop, Q. Just leave it. I broke up with her."

"You did? I thought...I thought it was mutual?"

"No...it was me. I decided we needed to end things while we were still friends."

"Wow."

"Yea...I'm over it. I just want to focus on the kids." I said as I shifted Daniela to my other boob.

"Well, I'm glad. They need you. Especially with Britt being so distant from them."

"What do you mean?"

"Sandra was telling me that Britt hasn't seen the kids since she came back from seeing you. She hasn't talked to anyone in the family. The only reason we know at all is because Grady told Ari. Britt hasn't spoken to me since the day you started rehab so, of course I was the last to know. We invited her today though instead Sandra or me...but she already had plans to go sailing with Grady."

"Oh...well good for her, I guess...she won't have that rough a time when I take the kids to Lima."

"Yea, I guess not."

"So what are you doing back in Lima?"

"I've been working out every morning and taking a gen ed course at the community college. Sandra gave me the keys to one of your apartments, I've been staying there and enjoying what it's like to have space of my own. Since Rachel is taking catch up courses at in Lima still, there isn't a lot of reason for me to stick around New York."

"I'm glad I could give you that. I guess we can do our spa day back at home then?"

"Definitely."

"When are you going back?"

"Noah and Beth are going back with me. He wants Beth to get to know his mom, so he got leave from work for a month. We are heading out tonight and are just going to drive all night until we get there."

"Wow!"

"Yea...cheaper than a plane ticket."

"Oh...well I guess you're right."

"I was wondering if I could take Izzy with me? He'd be great company for Beth."

"Um...I don't know...that's a long time...I mean I won't be there for another month."

"I know...it's crazy...never mind then."

"Have you talked to Sandra about it?"

"She said that it's up to you."

"Will you be okay with him for a whole month?"

"Of course...I'll be just fine! Besides this way...you will only have to worry about one baby on the plane."

"Okay...just...stay in contact with Sandra...please? And take care of him."

"I will. I'll protect him with my life."

"I know. I trust you, Q. Take plenty of pictures and...have fun for me."

"Say less." She pulled me into a hug and I rested my head against hers. "I missed you."

"I missed you."


Day 120

July 27th, 2013

This is it Henry!

In just one hour, I'm being picked up by Sandra and driven straight to the courthouse to meet with the judge. She will look at my file and decide if my case can be signed off. Mami says that I will have another week of house arrest to deal with but that's nothing if I can do it at my sister's house in Westchester.

Doc came back from grieving her mom with the best attitude and a name for her little girl, Anabella. It makes me feel so honored to now have two kids out there named after me. I must be doing something amazing for people to honor me like this.

I'm really excited to get on that plane to Lima in a week! As you know...I still haven't heard from Britt and even though I have stopped crying myself to sleep over her, it still hurts but I'm stronger than this. I'm going to use this opportunity to see what's out there for me.

I still have my family and that's what's really important.

Isaac is already waiting for me in Lima, Daniela is safely with Sandra and Johnny and Mami is on her way down the aisle in one month's time.

See...I have plenty of things to keep me distracted from Britt...the 600 miles will definitely help as well.

The next time you see me...it will be as a free...well semi-free woman!

See you in Westchester!

Santana


Dr. Clover was teary eyed after I changed back into the clothes I came in with. They'd been hanging off me before but now fit me just right. Officer Coleman, switched my ankle monitor to activate at 7pm so that I would have time to go to the courthouse and get to Westchester before the last bit of this house arrest could be completed.

She gave me a hug after that and wished me luck before I headed out to the front with CiCi and Dr. Clover.

My sister was standing there with Daniela in her arms with Johnny by her side. I cried when I walked through the entrance and away from the last nearly four months of my life.

Sitting in a car again, felt so crazy.

I was really on the other side of all the crazy and the tears kept coming.

It felt so good to sit there with my daughter's hand wrapped my fingers.

"So how does it feel, Ana?" Johnny asked from the passenger seat. The baby had been fussing so I was feeding her a bottle despite my boobs hurting. I had just gotten back to her and I couldn't risk taking her out of her carseat while the car was moving.

"Amazing. I actually missed the city."

"Have you heard from her?" Sandra asked cutting through the bullshit. I have to hand it to her though, she waited through the drive to the courthouse and the drive towards the highway until she broke.

"No. Not a peep. Have you?"

"Yea...I did...a few days ago. She swore to me that she would check in on you. I can't believe that she lied to me."

"It's okay, Sandra. It's no pr-problem. Just let her do her thing. I don't want to interfere. I was always okay with being a single mom...she begged me to be their second parent. If she feels like she doesn't want that anymore...it's fine. They're not hers if she doesn't wa-want." I whispered as I ran my fingers through Daniela's curls.

"Bullshit." Sandra spat. "She is their mother. You don't just decide one day that you don't want your kids. She hasn't seen Daniela...she was shocked when I told her that Izzy was in Lima. She didn't even seem to care."

"Can we...just not talk about her? I can make it on my own. I'm plenty capable. End of story."

The conversation should have died right there but Sandra had other plans and Johnny was too fucking scared of her to step in.

She pulled the car over into a parking lot. At first I didn't realize where I was but then I recognized the warehouse.

"You need to talk to her, Ana. That ankle bracelet doesn't activate for a few more hours. You can't go off to Lima without at least trying to talk to her."

"Are you serious, why? She moved on. I want to move on!"

"You have children, Santana. Biological or not...you need to hold her accountable."

She had a point, I couldn't argue with that.

"Fine...but you need to stay here...Johnny don't you dare let her come in that building...she is just going to make shit worse."


I strapped the carrier onto my torso and then put Daniela into it. She was asleep so I put a light blanket over her. Sure, I could have left her in the car but I knew that if this went south, Britt wouldn't hurt me with the baby on my chest.

For a moment I hesitated, thinking it would best to not put the baby in the middle of this but I needed Britt to have that visual of me and our baby.

I had to play the only cards that I had.

She had, from the start been weird about allowing herself to be attached to Daniela but now that Marco was dead, her hang up of him taking the baby had no teeth to it.

All I wanted was for her to know that I was taking the kids for another month and that I still wanted her to be a part of their lives.

I was nervous but I couldn't back down.

When I opened the door to the theater, a Jeremih song was blasting through the speakers, they were mid rehearsal so I slid into one of the back seats and watched as Britt and Tony sat at the middle table while Ari and my replacement danced across the stage.

It wasn't until I actually saw his face that I felt the burning jealousy in the pit of my stomach.

They say a baby can sense your tension and I totally think that they are right.

Daniela began to whine and so I fished in my pocket for her pacifier.

I had left it in the car.

Her cries were getting louder.

Fuck.

"You are so not helping right now, little girl." I muttered as I stood to my feet and tried bouncing her but she was just getting started apparently because now she was wailing.

I was headed towards the aisle to try and leave before things got ugly but I froze when I heard my name.


"Santana!" I turned around to see Brittany storming my way with an angry expression. She looked super pissed. I tried not to care but I hated seeing her so upset.

By the time that Britt had gotten to me, I had Daniela out of the carrier and was soothing her in my arms.

"I'm sorry, Britt Britt. She was sleeping and-"

Britt wrapped a hand around my arm, yanking me closer to her and brought her face really close to mine.

"Why are you here?" she growled.

"Let go of my arm, B...we are not going back to that kind of relationship."

"Relationship? What relationship? We have no relationship!" she was yelling in my face now.

I tried to step back but she gripped my arm tighter.

"Let go of her Brittany!" That was Ari.

"Baby, let her go." That was what's his name...calling my wife...my Brittany his baby.

Brittany didn't let go.

"You need to leave."

"I just wanted to talk to you B." I said evenly.

"Not here. I'm working."

"Then when?"

"Frankly, I don't give a shit. Just...take her and go."

"Her? She's your d-daughter, B! You can deny me but you won't deny the kids. You wanted them."

"I had no choice!" She screamed in my face.

"You don't mean that!" I felt the tears behind my eyes but I wouldn't cry in front of her. She had lost that privilege.

"Grady...you may want to get your girlfriend." Ari spat out in anger. "I don't give a fuck if she saved my life."

"Britt let her go...come on...let's go cool off." He wrapped his arms around her waist and lifted her clear off the ground and carried her in the opposite direction.

Daniela had stopped crying and was looking around with tears in her eyes.

"Are you ok, Anita?" Ari said as she tried to pry the baby from my arms.

"No...I just...I didn't...she just denied her own kids." I whispered as I handed the baby off to Ari.

"I don't think she meant it, Anita. She's just having a bad day. Don't look at me like that! She's been a fucking Nazi all freaking day. She has pictures of the kids all over her office. She talks about them all the time. She just doesn't feel comfortable surrounded by your family...not anymore. Do you blame her?"

"I get it...but to deny them...that..." I slid into one of the seats and rested my head in my palms. "I just wanted her to be able to see the baby before I left for Lima."

"I totally get it. Maybe coming here like this, was just a bad idea."

"Tell that to Sandra...it was her idea...not mine."

"Is she outside?"

"Yea."

"Let me walk you out...okay?"

"Yea."


Dealing with that kind of blow was something that I didn't think I would have been able to handle before rehab.

But as I got back in the car and put the baby back in her seat while Ari talked to my sister through the window about the whole scene. I ignored my sister's questions on the way to her house and just held my baby's hand.

Screw Britt off her meds, denying our kids...I didn't need that hot mess.

I would be okay.

The week that followed was filled with me, in constant contact with my network, even Sue. I buried myself in books and spent all day with my baby. After the first night of crying myself to sleep, I asked Celia to sleep in the bed with me. With her there I quickly stopped crying about it. She served as an amazing distraction by telling me all about her new girlfriend Maggie.

She seemed so happy now, almost carefree and less angry.

Apparently her and Quinn were still talking everyday but it was as friends and they liked it that way.

We never talked about Brittany and I was happy about it because the new bruise on my arm was enough of a reminder of how much pain I was in every time she was off of her meds.

Things were going to be different from here on out, I was managing my expectations and reminding myself that I was going to be okay.

My daily talks with CiCi and Dr. Clover helped. They were the only ones I told about the bruise and how it happened, they both encouraged me to be transparent and to call into the group meetings since I couldn't leave my sister's house.

I had faith that we would fix this rift between us even if we didn't end up together.

Nobody understood Brittany like I did, she would come back to me.

Our friendship was solid...even if it was buried under a mountain of shit at the moment.

We loved each other, so I wouldn't cry over her.

Over this.

For now, I needed to stay focused and sober, nothing would distract me from my purpose.

Not even Brittany.