Chapter 5: I Care About You (Babyface)
Santana's POV
"Meet me on the porch." I had been falling asleep when I got a call from Sugar, she said the one sentence and then hung up on me.
I checked in on the kids and then crept out downstairs. It was the middle of the night but Sugar hadn't really been demanding of my time, we'd hooked up twice now but after she told me about her feelings for Carmen, I've backed off.
But her calling me like that, sounding so serious had me curious.
When I stepped out onto the porch, she was leaning against the railing, dressed in all black without any make-up on.
"Hey...you okay?"
"She called."
"Oh yeah?"
"I'm going to ask you for something and I need you to say yes."
"As long as it's not about d-drugs."
"Santana, please."
"That's my line...I won't comp...compromise myself or my family."
She sighed.
"This isn't for me, it's for Carmen."
"Who is a recovering addict." I reminded her and she sighed, rubbing at her face a bit, and then she stepped closer, her arms wrapping around me in a hug. When she pressed her face against my neck, I could feel how wet it was. "Sugar...you're freaking me out. W-What is it?"
She pulled out a brown-bag...I had seen ones like it hundreds of times, they usually held a lot of coke. I froze as she held it between us.
Then she looked into my eyes.
"You were in Nico's will, we were supposed to protect you and the kids at all costs. You've had protection for over a year, even if you didn't know. I need to go underground with Carmen...with...my resources."
"Okay."
She shoved the bag into my hands but shoved it back. "Sugar, no."
"Please, I don't have time, just get rid of this for me and put the money in the account that you shared with my pop. The one they can't touch. Please?"
"I c-can't, do you know what this o-opens me up for? Please don't do this." I felt desperate.
"If I don't go now, they find her and her son...you're the reason Nico is dead." She growled, "You sent him to his death, are you going to do that to Carmen and your godson? You owe us, Santana and you're going to pay your debts. We had fun but now, shit is getting real. When you were in need, Pop flipped that money for you even though that coke belonged to Carmen. This is all that I have, to replace what I took. I didn't need to do this for you but I'm sweet on you, so flip it, fast. Once I leave, the cops will start sniffing around."
The words hit me hard.
And then the memories of Nico came flooding back, the way he cared for me when I came to him, the way he had seen my panic and gone to settle things with Mr. Evans, only to get shot. I thought of the way that the cops in this town took pleasure in putting me in jail...then I got beat up.
Months of remembering bits and pieces were hitting me now as remembered the more traumatizing moments of the last two years.
Her dad had flipped coke for me and delivered that three million to me in days...without question, she was right, I owed them.
So, despite my reservations, I took the bag.
"We are done. Don't ever contact me af-after this." I growled at her.
"I know." She actually looked sad about that. Her hand smelled like honey and cinnamon as she caressed my cheek. "Thank you for this...take care of yourself, stay clean. Please?"
I kissed her palm and she stepped in closer but I took a step back.
"I could just give you the money. Please d-don't mix me up in this shit?" I begged.
"No. That's the only account no one can touch but you and pop. This has to stay under wraps. I've already gotten the info, I cleared out the account, this is your repayment."
"That was three million dollars!" I said, astonished.
"I know, right there in your hands is double that if you're smart and I know you are. I've been here too long, that's hot, flip it fast." And then she left me standing there with a heavy brick of cocaine.
As if my last few days hadn't been shitty enough, now this.
My first instinct when I was standing there was to go to the cops but with my history, I knew that they'd want to know more than I was willing to tell. With a sigh, I turned back towards the house, and there standing in the doorway was Tor.
She was watching me wide-eyed and I felt nauseous as I looked into those eyes that were so much like Ian's and Isaac's.
Fuck.
"Are you okay?" She whispered to me and then looked down at the bag that I was holding.
"Not sure."
"Was that Sugar?"
"Yeah...what are you d-doing up?"
"Izzy was whining and so I rubbed his back until he fell back asleep. You weren't in your room, so I came down here to look for you."
How much had she seen?
"Is he okay?" I asked.
"Oh yeah, no wheezing, I think it was a bad dream."
"Thanks."
"No problem...do you want to go to the den and talk about that." She said, sounding older than she actually was.
"I...don't know." I admitted with a shrug.
"Do you want me to wake Sue?"
Oh God, that might be worse.
"Maybe? I don't kn-know if I can handle her at the moment."
"Can I hold that for you?"
I looked down at the bag that I had a white-knuckled grip on and really wanted to not hand Ian's little sister a brick of cocaine but it was probably in better hands with her.
"Just for now." I said and then shoved it at her. She handed me the baby monitor and the sound of Isaac's little snores snapped me into the present.
I was salivating over that coke...shaking and calculating how much I could shave off the top.
This was bad.
God help me.
Please.
Please.
It was just too fucking much.
I followed Tor blindly towards Sue's den that doubled as her office. I walked over towards the back wall, my hands in tight fists as I tried to calm myself down.
The room was full of trophies and Cheerio pics on every surface it seemed.
"I'm going to grab some ice cream do you want any?" Tor said as she stood in the doorway, the bag still in her hands. I was anxious about her walking around with that but she wasn't a dummy.
I just shook my head, "No thanks...something about this room makes me want to do the opposite of eating." I tried to joke as I fingered a trophy that I remembered executing a perfect somersault for.
"So two scoops then." She said, "I'm going to tell Sue, she's gonna be better at handling this than me...okay?"
I nodded and moved over the back wall, unconcerned with Sue being involved. Frankly, if I didn't want Sue to know, I wouldn't have come back inside. I stopped short when I saw, right in the center, there was a picture of me, Quinn, and Britt hugging Sue after we won Nationals in Freshman year.
There was a sparkle in our eyes. We all looked so happy, none of us knowing that the rest of high school would be filled with so much struggle. Between the three of us there were three teen pregnancies, drug addiction, physical abuse, and attempted murder.
At that point in my life, while I stood there happily, I had already been raped and had miscarried.
So maybe I should have known back then that there was darkness ahead for me but I thought it was all behind me. The two blondes hugging me tight, surely thought their futures were bright.
We were so naive.
Nothing was the same after this picture.
"It's hard to believe this was just five years ago." I mumbled to myself.
"Ahh, my trinity at its purest." I froze when Sue came to stand beside me as I traced a finger over Britt's face. "Tor woke me up, gave me your bag. We'll talk about that once we have a moment alone, in the meantime, I put it in a safe place."
I just nodded but didn't acknowledge her words out loud, instead I focused on that sparkle in our eyes.
"Do you think that we could ever be this happy again?"
"You see the person in the center?"
"Me?"
"The center of their universe. If you can get back there then things will eventually fall in line. You were the anchor of my team. What Berry was for that glee club you were for those girls."
"So you think if I get back to that happy place that Britt will magically become less abusive? That my marriage will be saved...that my a-addiction would simply disappear?"
"Screw your marriage, first you need to work on fixing your friendship and staying healthy."
"How?"
"Well...last I checked you are all terribly out of shape...how about getting back to a morning run for all of you."
"A common enemy."
"Happily so, a common enemy breeds camaraderie." Sue smiled and then headed back out of the room. "Oh and enjoy the ice cream because in the morning we run ten miles!"
"I'm tired already!" I laughed as Tor came into the room and handed me a mountain of chocolate ice cream.
"Goodnight." She said and then she was gone.
Tor and I stayed up for about an hour, I told her about the glory days of high school, my mood shifted. The heaviness that Sugar had dropped on me was a little lighter. Dr. Clover had told me to lean on my network and where that used to mean my sisters and my mom...and the trinity, now that extended to Sue and Tor.
I should have gone to bed sooner but sleep wasn't going to come to me with so much in my head. Even after we headed to bed, I laid there staring at the ceiling thinking about what my next move was.
Before I could fall asleep, the baby was crying for me.
With her tucked against my boob, I sat on the window seat and watched the sunrise over Lima. I wondered if Sugar had left town right away or if she was a mile away, sleeping in her animal furs and enjoying the fact that she had offloaded her drugs on me.
Bitch.
Once the baby was finished and I had her in a fresh diaper, she burped and went right back to sleep.
Lucky duck.
Sue texted me as I was putting her back down.
Tori will stay with the kids, we leave in 5 mins-Coach
I kissed Isaac's sleeping face and nearly laughed out loud when Tor came into the room with a pillow and blanket.
"Have a good run." She mumbled before camping out in the glider between the cribs.
"Thanks for this."
"Mmmhmm...shhh...go." She muttered and closed her eyes.
I met Sue at the bottom of the stairs and she shoved my water bottle into my hands.
"Let's chat."
I sat in her passenger seat moments later as we made our way towards the school. She was silent until we were parked across from my apartment building.
"Tell me about what happened last night."
I clutched the water bottle as I ran down Sugar's visit and how I tried hard to resist taking the coke.
"She made me feel g-guilty for everything."
"And?"
"What do you mean, and? She was right."
"And what do you plan to do about that giant brick of cocaine in my house?"
"I would say turn it over to the c-cops..." She scoffed.
"So they can finally have something to tie you to the Motta's? No."
"What should I do then? I want my m-money back."
"I know a guy. I can make it disappear but in return, I'm going to need a favor."
"You and everybody else."
"Create a trust for Tori. I want her to be independently wealthy when her slimeball parents get out. She should never feel pressured to go back to them for any reason. It's not like you were doing anything with that money. Your kids are set and so are you."
"Okay. If you f-flip it for me, Tor can have the money. I'd r-rather not have any drug money. Let it be used for good."
"Do you want any of it back?"
"Not a cent. Give her what you think will be good, she can also have the c-car I gave to Ian. The title was in his name. If there is an issue go to Sal."
"Done. Let's put this behind us, you forget that sleazeball family and focus on your health."
"Okay."
"Now get out and stretch, I have some bimbos to rip out of bed."
"Thanks, coach."
Doc was right, sometimes letting other people carry my burden was way more important than my pride.
Expectation managed.
Right now, I just needed to stretch, to run.
To focus.
While Sue went off to rouse the rest of the trinity, I stretched out my back and legs and then did a jog in place to get myself ready. While I was winding down, I heard lazy footsteps making their way towards me.
I didn't bother looking up.
"Hey, butthead." I looked up finally and saw Quinn looking at me with tired eyes. "You couldn't have given me the heads up that Sue was going to show up and put a bull horn in my face?" she said as she sat next to me and began stretching. "How did she even know I was at Rachel's?"
"Where is she?" I asked as I looked behind her.
"She literally shoved me out of the car and kept driving...I think she's gonna go get Britt."
"I think you're right."
Quinn began stretching and then took a long sip of my water.
"I hope y-your lips are clean." I muttered.
"She at least let me brush my teeth." Quinn said and then went back to doing high kicks before doing side crunches and moving in my line of sight. "So, what is this...some sort of Cheerios reunion?" Quinn sounded more tired than bitter. Working out was something that she really enjoyed so I knew that she was just grumpy without her morning pick me up.
"A trinity reunion. She thinks that we need to rebuild our friendship."
"Right...Trinity sticks together."
"Today at least. L-Last night..." I started to say but stopped when there was a loud screech of tires and we looked towards the sound. The roar of an engine was coming right at us and then, like she owned the place, Sue drove up onto the football field.
"She's insane." Quinn muttered as she moved to stand directly next to me.
She rested her head on my shoulder and closed her eyes.
This had the potential to go to shit if Sue didn't play this right. When I saw Sue get out of the car and then go around to the other side and rip the door open, I started walking towards the car. The fact that B hadn't gotten out on her own was NOT a good sign. She went on runs for fun but she was also pregnant and I knew firsthand how exhausted that made you, especially if the morning sickness was bad.
"Hey...warning next time!"
By moving so quickly, Quinn had nearly toppled over, I just rolled my eyes and pulled on her arm.
"Time to w-wake up Lucy Q... let's go get our third before Sue kills her."
Brittany stood next to the car in her duck shorts and a skimpy tank top. Her hair was all over her head and when she looked at me I could see that she had obviously spent the whole night crying or sick.
Even with everything, I still felt sympathy.
It made me sad when Britt wasn't herself.
How was Susan now that she was seeing Britt up close?
Sue looked smug but the look in Britt's eyes was one I recognized, she was about to implode.
"Sorry I took so long...had to make sure crazy bones, here, took her meds." Sue said as she reached in her car and grabbed her bullhorn.
"Great. Let's get this over with." Quinn said as she turned around and headed towards the track. "Come on ladies...the sooner we get to running, the sooner we can go back to bed."
"I second that."
I followed Quinn as she fell back into the role of head cheerleader.
"Get to moving your ass, Brittany!" Sue yelled through the bullhorn.
"I don't need this...I'm already in shape! I dance every damned day! I'm tired!" she whined. "I feel too sick for this. Please, don't make me do this! I'm...just too tired."
"And yet you still had enough energy to nearly strike Lopez...let's go! Move your ass!"
"This is ridiculous."
"You want to know what's ridiculous? You turning into a violent little twat, that's what's ridiculous!"
My jaw dropped open but I didn't say anything...because I kind of agreed with her.
"Come on, S. If Britt sees of running, maybe she'll run too."
I started slow, trying my best to build up a good pace, and even though Sue was still yelling at Britt through her bullhorn like a maniac. I looked to the side as I began to round the track and could see that Britt was now laying across the track and refusing to move.
Quinn had stopped and was trying to talk to her but she wouldn't budge.
I was still half the track away and didn't want to turn back because it would mess up my count but I knew that I needed to stop Sue because Britt was not going to be receptive to this kind of thing.
Yelling always made her retreat into herself which was why Quinn knelt next to her trying to talk to her quietly.
I stopped short as I cut across the field and stood next to Sue.
"Can I borrow that?" I held my hand out and Sue reluctantly handed me her prized bullhorn. She was showing me trust after my honesty the night before and I knew she'd be pissed but she would just have to get over it, I took it and threw it as far as I could so that it landed in the center of the field. Thank God for track and field because it went further than I thought it would.
"Are you kidding me, Lopez?!"
"It's not h-helping, Sue. So either run with us or go sit in the car."
She looked at me in anger but then brought her hands up and clapped slowly as she looked at me with pride.
"That's the spirit. I know you needed a win but don't ever do that again, Lopez. Today you get a pass." She said before storming off towards her bullhorn.
"Get up B." I said as I crossed my hands over my swollen boobs. It was almost feeding time and I really wanted to get back to the baby before she got too fussy.
"No." She said as she pressed her face further into the clay.
"Why not?"
She rolled on her back and looked up at me with wet eyes. "I just don't want to do this."
"I heard that but why?"
"We aren't this magical trinity anymore...we are all screwed up...I've been so sick and tired. We are all too messed up to fix."
"How's that anything new?" Quinn said hoarsely.
"If we are supposed to grow up and fix ourselves separately...how can we do that if I am forced to be around not just one but both of you."
"You said you wanted to fix this." I said as I moved my hands to my hips in annoyance.
"I do."
"If you are willing to fix this then you will do whatever it takes. I happen to agree with this. Sue isn't asking for side splits or for us to form a fucking pyramid. She just wants us to run together." Quinn sighed, looking frustrated.
"Yeah, B, we can run like we used to...back before I got pregnant...re-remember? Back when you and I were a duo within our little threesome. So why can't you do that...why can't you be serious about fixing this?"
She was sitting up now and looking at me with more focused eyes.
Her meds had kicked in.
That's what I had been waiting for.
"I do want to fix this, Ana but-"
"No buts...just do it then."
I put my hand out to her so that I could help her to her feet and the moment that she took my hand, I unexpectedly flinched.
What the actual fuck?
She noticed.
Quinn noticed.
Hell...I'm sure Sue even noticed.
Was I scared of her?
Once Britt was on her feet, she stretched her arms and then stepped into my personal space.
"Is this okay?" She asked.
"What?" I whispered back.
And Quinn knowing that we needed a second took a step back.
"Me running, it's not going to hurt me, right?"
And then the lightbulb of what she meant went on.
"Oh, yeah, of course, running is okay just take your time." I said and she nodded.
Then she sprinted off without another word and not to be outdone, Quinn took off after her.
And I just stood there for a moment, trying to reorient myself. The smell of Britt, her voice sounding so soft and concerned, mixed with the turmoil of the night before was like whiplash.
Having retrieved her bullhorn, Sue snapped me out of my reverie.
"GET MOVING LOPEZ!"
I nodded and then began a slow jog, I knew better than to sprint when you're at the beginning of a ten-mile stretch.
My fellow ex-Cheerios were obviously out of practice with pacing themselves.
Slow and steady wins the race.
Duh.
Sure enough, right around the sixth mile, Quinn was running out of gas, her stride had slowed and she was clutching her side.
Britt fell back to run by my side and thought that would be enough to make it through but she had underestimated just how much pregnancy can affect you because one mile later, she was bent over the side of the track vomiting.
And I just kept right on running until the world melted away like sugar.
I was crying as I finally allowed myself to feel everything that last night could have turned into.
How easy would it have been to just do it, throw it all away?
Maybe if I hadn't gone through the Craig situation, I would have felt more tempted but surviving him setting me up while I was in therapy, gave me some really great coping mechanisms.
This was on a grander scale and I felt like I was primed to handle it...just not on my own.
Being honest with Sue and Tor had been the best thing that I could have done.
The next best thing would come later when I called Doc for our weekly chat.
And of course, I'd need to text CiCi too and she'd probably insist on a meeting and even though that run felt better than any meeting, I knew that I needed to focus on those steps that didn't work unless you worked them.
By the time that I counted mile 10, I could see that Quinn and Britt were still going, trying to recoup their lost miles. In the old days, I would have kept going just so that we could end together, but this wasn't the old days.
Instead, I climbed into the car next to Sue who was drinking a giant smoothie and listening to rock music.
"Thank you." I said to her as I toweled off the sweat on my face.
"I have a buyer." She said and then sipped the smoothie casually.
I stared out the front windshield at Britt and Quinn, who were in step together talking out their shit.
"How much?"
"6.5 million. It was more than one brick, two and a half to be exact. Buyer is legit, the drugs will be used scientifically."
"That's a thing?"
"It is. So no one's blood is on your hands. I'm going to leave you your lost funds and take the rest for Tori."
"Really? I told you, to keep it all." I said. Quinn finished first but kept running next to Britt to finish out her mile. It was good to see them laughing with each other. Lord knows they needed it.
"And I'm telling you that you shouldn't be penalized because of stupidity. Just stay away from the Mottas. Got it."
"Got it."
By the time that Britt and Quinn collapsed in the backseat of Sue's car, they were obviously friends again.
Unfortunately, I couldn't say the same for me and Britt. I had flinched when she'd touched me and was feeling unsure of where we stood now that I had to essentially compete with Grady for her attention.
I hated that her very touch made me cower in any way. I was supposed to be beyond that kind of reaction. We had been in such a good place for a moment in time and I just wanted things to go back to the way we were.
But that was impossible.
We were impossible, at least right then.
"Ana?" Britt said as she leaned forward and touched my shoulder. I turned slowly and her hand fell back to her lap.
"Yes?"
"Would it be alright if I took Izzy for the day?"
"Um...I'm not sure B." I said as I looked at Sue but she just stared ahead as she drove home.
For all the unsolicited advice between Sue and Q, there was no comment at that moment which irked me.
"Okay, B...that's fine"
"Thank you for this. I'll bring him to you at mass later...okay?"
"Ok."
I was filled with anxiety although I knew that Britt would never hurt Isaac, she had denied him back at the theater and I was still hurting over it.
He loves her more than anyone and for her to act that way, I felt rejected on his behalf but I couldn't stand in the way of her trying. I was on high alert though, because I wasn't going to let her be in and out of his life. He was starting to understand that kind of thing.
And learning that his Mama was only half in, was something he should never have to try and comprehend, not on my watch.
Sue wouldn't let Britt come into the house to come to get Isaac because of what happened the night before so she had to wait in the car with Quinn.
I quickly got Isaac dressed while he slept.
He was a late sleeper like me and since it was barely seven I knew that he would normally sleep another two hours but all the movement had jostled him awake.
He looked at me with bleary eyes and gave me a soft smile. "Bye Bye?" He groggily asked as he rubbed his eyes.
"Yes with Mama." I said to him as brushed through his mini afro. He was whining as I snagged his hair and I kept having to stop and apologize until he'd let me continue. The production of it had me wondering why I was letting his hair grow out in the first place.
Once I was finished, I kissed his face a few times and then put his strappy sneakers on him.
"Bye?" He asked again.
"Yes, you go bye with Mama."
"Dama?" He mumbled not understanding. I knew that she was in the car so technically he was correct.
"Yes, Papa, Dama too." He nodded thinking he understood and then pursed his lips.
"Beso?"
I kissed him again.
"Wuv you, Mami."
His diction was definitely ahead of its time and he was getting so good at it. After everything the night before, I just wanted to keep him all day and try to get him to repeat that phrase but I couldn't be selfish.
I kissed him another time before putting him on the floor.
He sat down with his big Elmo and started to doze off again but then I scooped him up in my arms and I hoisted his bag on my shoulder.
"All ready?" I said and he just nodded before resting his head on my shoulder.
Sue was in the kitchen flipping pancakes when I got downstairs.
"Ready?" I asked her.
"I'm staying here. I'm going to meet with the buyer in a bit, best you're not here when that goes down. You take the girls home but drop off Brittany first then Quinn, understand? You don't need to be alone with her just yet."
"Yes, coach. Thanks for everything."
"Where's Sue?" Quinn said as I strapped Isaac into his seat. The moment he saw that Britt was sitting next to him his eyes lit up.
"Mama?" He looked at her and held out his hand. "Beso...Mama?"
Britt leaned in and he placed a hand on her cheek and then leaned forward and kissed her cheek. The look in her eyes changed as she interacted with our son and even though I didn't want to get my hopes up I could see that just that tiny moment, really spoke to her.
It broke my heart that he kept looking at her in awe like he hadn't seen her in a really long time.
That shouldn't be the case.
Once he was settled in his seat, I kissed his head and then went up front with Q.
She was texting away and humming to herself like she was having the BEST day.
I was jealous.
"Thank you so much for this Ana...I don't deserve this chance but thank you for it anyway." Britt said as she leaned between the seats and smiled at me.
"No problem." I said, then I turned around and buckled myself in feeling relieved that we weren't any closer than we were at that moment.
I knew, just from the way acting that if she got me alone, she'd melt my resolve.
And I wasn't ready for that yet.
"You okay?" Q said to me quietly when I was just sitting there staring off.
I nodded and revved up the car.
"Never better, Q."
"Should I worry?"
"Who knows?" I said and then turned up the stereo, not wanting to talk anymore.
I wanted to listen to Sue, I really, really did but that just wasn't possible. Rachel was insisting that Quinn come home because they apparently had plans and Quinn was already making them late. So despite my trepidation, Quinn climbed out of the car.
Did Sue give her the same directive and if so, why was she letting this happen?
"Have a good date." I said and Quinn just looked at me with her eyebrow raised.
"Please call me when you get home." There was definitely a warning in her tone. Sue had definitely spoken to her.
"I will, I promise."
"Bye Izzy!"
"Bye Dama!" he whispered in his sleepy voice.
I pulled away before Quinn got to the front door and headed the few blocks to the Pierce house.
Britt stayed in the backseat and continued to have a long conversation with Isaac while my mind was going a million miles a minute as I made the drive to Britt's on autopilot.
This would be our first time being home and not being in a relationship.
It felt off and even though I had broken things off, it still made me feel uncomfortable.
How did I end up here, in a house alone with Brittany?
Susan wasn't home but Britt's dad was and when he saw Isaac as he was on his way out the door to go pick up his wife in Dayton, he insisted that he take his grandson. I couldn't argue with him and Britt didn't even try so here we were.
"Do you want anything to drink?"
"No thanks."
"We have pop and juice."
"Ac-Actually, B, I'm going to head out."
"I'm not going to hurt you, Ana." She said as she sat on the sofa watching me clutch the doorknob.
"Forgive me if I don't believe you." I said as I subconsciously rubbed at my arm.
I hadn't slept the night before and then I ran ten miles, it was all starting to hit me at that moment.
She was looking me up and down, then she stood up and came closer.
"Look...just...can you stay just a little while? Dad's going to be gone for the next hour and I just really don't want to be alone."
"I have to get back to Daniela y-you could come." I said as I placed my hand on the doorknob and started to turn it.
"Please, Ana...please, let's just have some time alone baby. Please?" Her hands lightly grasped my waist and I just stood there like an idiot.
Resisting Brittany has always been my weakness and this wasn't any exception.
My hand dropped from the door as she lightly tugged my hand towards the stairs.
I followed her. Once we were upstairs, I tried to tug my hand back and make my exit but she held on tighter. If I pulled any more, it would hurt.
She was on her meds...her anger was under control.
That's good, right?
Once we were in her childhood bedroom, she locked the door and dropped my hand once I was standing next to her bed.
"Why'd you bring me up here, Britt?" I said as crossed my arms over myself.
Britt stepped into my personal space and began to slowly pull at the hem of my tank top.
"Because...I need a chance to show you...remind you why you love me."
"Don't. I n-need a shower."
"I like you sweaty." I went to speak but was suddenly captured in a crushing kiss.
My back was pressed against the door and I gripped her T-shirt, trying to enjoy the kiss but feeling the change.
The way she always did after dating someone else, she'd come back to me kissing like them.
But then she nipped my lip and I moaned, I knew then that I was so screwed.
My mind short-circuited, that's the only way that I can explain the swiftness that my clothes came off my body.
"B...please...this is a m-mistake. You have G-Grady." I whined.
"But you're my wife. I'm yours. Right?"
"Uh..." Her hand was between my legs, rubbing softly and I just nodded as she turned us and backed up towards the bed.
Once she successfully got me on my back and was hovering over me, her fingers sunk into me.
"Fuck!" I groaned.
"How are you always so tight?"
"Shit...shit." I was aching as she added a finger and not in a good way. It was too much.
My phone was buzzing in the pocket of my discarded shorts and I knew that it was either Sue or Quinn...maybe even both. It was too late though, she already had me under her and was pressing into me, making my body jerk and betray me.
"You're mine. You'll always be mine. Sugar could never compare to what we have." She growled and then nipped at my boobs and then my stomach as her mouth made its way between my legs, her fingers still moving inside of me.
I had my palms pressed against my eyes as I tried not to cry.
"B...please...stop...please." I whispered as she captured my clit and sucked it between her lips. "Fuck." I muttered as the shock waves ran through me. "Oh, God...Britt...st-stop. Fuck!"
That served to encourage her because before I could even breathe her tongue was swirling and she was pushing me over the ledge. I came hard and was angry at myself.
This didn't feel good...but my body didn't know the difference.
It was the first time in forever that I felt dirty after sex with her, not since the day of the senior luncheon with Ian on the other side of the door.
Britt was attempting to get me back by cutting corners, only her attempt had backfired.
The moment that she moved her hand, I was filled with adrenaline. I jumped to my feet and started gathering my clothes. Pulling them on haphazardly, not caring one bit.
"Ana, wait!"
"I have to go...I'll see you at mass."
I left her lying there with a confused look on her face and this time, I just could not take time and explain to her. She was just going to have to figure it out all on her own.
When I got to the car, I just drove away, not wanting Britt to follow me. I pulled up outside Rachel's hoping that she and Quinn were still there but the car was gone.
It was then that I broke. I sobbed with my head pressed against the headrest and caught a glimpse of my reflection in the mirror. I looked like shit. My lips were swollen and I had a hickey blooming on my neck.
The tears kept coming and I felt so fucking gross.
My phone connected to the Bluetooth and began to ring.
"Yeah?" I said as I wiped at my face.
"Where are you?" Q asked.
"In my car."
"Are you okay? Did you drop off Britt?"
"She's home. Yeah." I said, skipping her question.
"You sound like you've been-" She began to say but I cut her off.
"Q, I gotta go." Then I ended the call and began to drive towards Sue's.
I felt really gross and just wanted not to see Britt for a long while. Unfortunately, I at least had to see her today because she had Isaac. This was not how things were supposed to go.
Last year, I had come to Lima and had an amazing time but now, I felt so drained, like the last four months had been nothing but wasted time. I wanted to be okay but there was no faking it.
If I was going to fall apart, then people were just going to have to deal, so long as I fell apart while sober.
This was supposed to be my time to process and fix what was broken in my own life but I couldn't do that with her thwarting my efforts with moves like the one she'd just pulled.
My phone was still buzzing when I parked the car at Sue's house.
It'd been over an hour since I left, so I had expected her to be standing there waiting for me with flames coming out of her ears but she wasn't. Instead, she, Tor, and Daniela were camped out in the den watching a movie.
I poked my head in just to let them know that I was here.
"I'm going to go jump in the shower and then I'll be back to feed her okay?"
My voice came out hoarse and it was clearly apparent that I had been crying.
Sue arched her eyebrow but didn't do anything but nod in response. She knew at this point that if I needed her, I would say so, and right then, all I needed was to feel clean again.
Can I call you?-Santana
Yes.-Cici
I sat pumping my milk to keep myself from finding a way to make this overwhelming dread go away.
"Santana, what's up?"
"So much. I d-don't know where to st-start."
"Anywhere you want."
"My...Sugar gave me coke to sell. I got rid of it."
"How?"
"I'm so-sober. I gave it to coach. She got rid of it."
"Okay. Did you attend a meeting?"
"No. Not yet."
"Has Sue been supportive, making sure you get to meetings and are following the steps?"
"In her own way."
"It's been two weeks and a half weeks since you left here and a week since you got Lima, you told me that you were only going to stay with Sue for a few days, just to get used to being home. It seems to me though, that you need more of a network."
"Like who?"
"Your mom...have you seen her yet?"
"No."
"It might be time to move on from where you are, Santana. Put yourself in a place of accountability. Your coach will help but not as much as your family, from what you've shared with me, I know they hold some serious pull with you. This is the time to lean on them."
"Okay. I'll think about th-that."
"I'm proud of you for not taking the bait, again."
"Thanks."
"What else?"
"Brittany...I c-could use Doc on this one."
"I'll conference her in...hold on a second."
While I cleaned myself up and sealed up the bottles, the line clicked and beeped...then there was a sing-song voice.
"Hello, Santana. I'm looking forward to our chat this week, tell me what's going on."
And I did, every sordid detail from the moment that Britt showed up and nearly slapped me, to the run and right to the way I left the house.
"When did this happen?"
"An h-hour ago."
"Can I just pause here and say what amazing progress that is, for you to be on the phone with us rather than out trying to score? Bravo, Santana."
"I don't feel...like a bravo."
"Of course not. Talk to me about Brittany, was she medicated...did she seem overly aggressive or abusive."
"She was on her meds...I think. She was no more an-anything than usual. I know her in-intentions. This wasn't rape."
"Are you sure?" CiCi asked, her voice tight.
"Yes. She misread my signals. This w-won't happen again, I know it."
"Hmm." Dr. Clover sighed and then cleared her throat. "CiCi, I'm going to take over from here. Santana will call you back tonight after her meeting. Santana, I'll video chat you as soon as this call is over."
"Okay."
Dr. Clover wasn't convinced that Brittany didn't rape me. I could see all over her face when she called me back, her glasses were perched on the tip of her nose and she was staring right at me.
"Has she called you since?"
"No."
"Do you have any bruises or pain?"
"No...well...this." I showed her the hickey and then shrugged. "That's it. I could have pushed her off. She didn't hold me down."
"You asked her to stop though."
"I did."
"Santana, you've been here before."
"Exactly, which is wh-why, I know this isn't what you think. She's not like m-most people. That's not her."
And then a memory hit me...how she had apparently forced herself on Frankie in L.A. It gave me pause.
"That there, what just crossed your mind, Santana."
I shook my head and then there were tears and snot, I was a mess and put my phone down to give myself a moment. "Are you still there?"
"Just...I need a second." I blew out a breath and then another as I began to scratch up and down my arms.
The way the cravings were hitting made me cry even harder.
Britt wouldn't hurt me like this, not on purpose.
I knew her best.
She wouldn't hurt me...not again...not like this.
"Santana?"
I was on the floor when I grabbed my phone next, I wiped my face with my shirt and stared at my therapist.
"I love her."
"I know."
"She's m-my person."
"Right person, wrong time. She's not well and you need to face that fact. If she keeps going down this path, she's going to take you with her. Stop letting her in until she is well. That was your plan."
"I know."
"You need a new plan, one that isn't about reconciliation with Brittany. As a parent, you need to put your foot down, the agreement was that she saw the kids and you only while level and medicated. Is she either of those things?"
"No."
"So now, you need to enact your contingency."
"I need to go home to my m-moms."
"Do you think the reason you avoided going to your mother was that she is greater at building walls around you?"
"Yes, I n-needed to be able to do it on my own, now I see I'm not st-strong enough for that yet."
"If you are going to continue to share custody with Brittany, you'll need a buffer. Absolutely, NO alone time with her. If you want to see this as anything other than an assault and you don't want to end up like this again, then you need fail-safes."
"Okay."
"What's your plan until the meeting?"
"I'm going to sh-shower and then eat. I p-plan to stay inside until the meeting. Then I will take s-someone with me. I can't be alone out there in the w-world...not today."
"I will make myself available to you today, anytime you need...you call. Okay?"
"You sure?"
"Positive. You need accountability, so we will do a check. I want a text after each activity and I want proof that you ate."
This seemed so juvenile and powerless but right then, when I felt like the world was spiraling, there was nothing I needed more than that accountability.
Once I was in the shower, I saw more bruises blooming...just from her gripping my waist two tight on the one side. She'd been using it for leverage to thrust her fingers inside of me.
It didn't hurt but it looked painful and the sight of the bruises in the shape of her fingers had me sobbing even harder.
And even though I knew it would make my skin dry and raw, I scrubbed the loofa hard against my skin.
There was a hard knock on the bedroom door and I nearly jumped out of my skin when I heard it.
"I'll be out in a second."
I poured more soap on the loofa after rinsing and began scrubbing again.
"San...it's me. Britt called me." Quinn called through the door.
She was supposed to be at some play in Columbus...not on the other side of the door.
I'd ruined her date.
Fuck.
"I'm fine!" I said as I wiped at the hot tears that were streaming down my face.
I had scrubbed two layers of skin off, at least, but I still didn't feel clean.
"Are you sure?"
I didn't answer as I squeezed out more soap onto my loofah.
"Should I be worried?"
Fuck.
Why that question?
After scrubbing myself, one final time, I stood under the water and allowed the burning water to wipe away yet another layer of skin from my body.
No...I was not okay...yes...she should be worried.
I didn't need to say those things out loud because the moment that she saw me, I knew she would be able to see it.
My skin burned as I stepped out into the coolness of the bathroom.
I picked up my phone and texted doc.
Out of the shower. Quinn is here, I didn't sleep last night. Might nap-Santana
I didn't wait for a response.
When I stepped out into the bedroom, Quinn sat there holding Daniela in her arms. My sweet baby smiled when she saw me and I just walked past her and opened up the drawer and began to dig through it for some sweatpants.
My skin still felt grimy and I didn't want to touch her, even though I knew that I needed to.
Holding her would center me and I craved that, but I needed to not be shaking first.
"Wh-What did she say to you?" I asked as I rubbed lotion into my skin, enough to soothe the burn.
"She called me in a panic and told me what happened. She told me how you just left and asked me to check in on you. So Rachel and I turned around and came back to Lima. You look like shit."
"Thanks, Q." I said as I slid into the sweats and pulled on a t-shirt.
I went back to her and lifted my sweet little girl into my arms.
She squealed as I buried my face against her neck and sniffed.
I was right, the calm that filled me felt heaven-sent.
My second little reason.
I sat in the rocking chair and immediately she started making sucking noises which usually made me chuckle but not even that was cheering me up.
While she began to nurse, I could see the red splotches on my boob and felt guilty about it.
I was slipping...hard. Thank God, that things happened in the order that they did because if Sugar showed up now instead of last night, I would definitely not be sober.
My hands were just as blotchy as my boob, as I ran my fingers through Daniela's hair. She was watching me and I tried to smile for her but I wasn't sure it was showing in the way I wanted it to.
"What can I do?"
"Stay a while?" I wasn't used to being forward, not this much but I had to stay open. When I looked up at Q, she was texting.
"Letting Rachel know that I'm going to be here tonight."
"Thanks."
Quinn busied herself with straightening up the room while I hummed to baby girl. She was getting sleepy as she held tight to my boob. Then she farted and well that smell was retched.
"Oh God...Q...take her." I said once I got her off my boob.
It was good to laugh even in my darkness. Quinn changed the baby's diaper and then walked through to the nursery, putting her in the crib before coming back and shutting the door.
"Thanks." I said, readjusting my clothes before standing in front of the mirror to brush through my hair. My hands ached as I brushed and Quinn eventually came over and took the brush and was both firm and gentle as she detangled my hair.
It felt good to just stand there and let her take over.
Sometimes I missed how she would just be intuitive enough to step in and take over.
Q was forever my ride or die, my captain.
"Talk to me, San. How do you feel?"
"I feel...like she t-took advantage of me." I whispered as I kept my eyes looking away from her and stared out the window.
"Like rape?"
I looked up at her in shock and swallowed back the bile that was rising.
We were halfway through the day and I hadn't eaten a thing but my stomach still was going to find a way to make me sick, I was sure of it.
"No...not that ex-extreme."
I shook my head in disbelief. She put down the brush and then turned me around until we were eye to eye.
"Did you tell her to stop?"
I shrugged. "Kinda." I said unsure of what happened exactly.
"Yes or no?" She was seething now as she looked down at me. "Did she hurt you?"
"No more than you and me, Q." I said quietly.
"What are you saying?"
"That it was just as awkward and hurt just as much."
"No."
"Yes."
"That doesn't even make sense. It can't compare...you never told me to stop, San...because we both know that I would have, immediately."
"I feel the same w-way that I did then...that's all I know."
"Guilty. That's what you felt back then. Is that what you feel now? Did you feel dirty then?"
"Yes. I felt dirty because of wh-what I had done...but I know you didn't force me. I made a conscious decision."
"Did you make one, with Brittany?"
"Fine...no...I didn't. She forced herself on me okay?" I snapped at her.
I zoned out as she took a step back and let me collect myself.
Was that really what happened?
Had Brittany forced herself on me?
That's not possible...is it?
I turned away and just stood there, staring out the window and tried to get my shaking under control.
This was a bad day.
My N.A. meeting couldn't come fast enough.
Quinn went over to the bed and pulled back the covers. I turned and watched her, feeling like I was going to slip away.
"Come on San...lay down for a bit."
I looked over at her and shook my head, afraid of what lengths she'd go to comfort me.
"No."
"No funny business, I promise...just let me hold you...you're shaking...let me tether you."
I didn't respond, I just slid out of my pants before sliding against the cool sheets next to her. I pulled a pillow from under the blanket and hugged it against my body...feeling the spiral coming but promising myself that I wouldn't move from this bed until my meeting.
Being there with Quinn, I knew I was safe from any falls.
Quinn had her arms around me and was pulling me flush against her body, this time being touched didn't feel like a violation...only a comfort.
"It's okay, San...just let it out." Q whispered as I began to sob. "I'm here honey and I won't leave you until you kick me out. Just relax, let me take care of you." She kissed my head and continued to hold me tightly and was quickly becoming my anchor since I couldn't be my own.
This is what I had needed that day in New York and she was correcting a severe misstep.
I woke up violently, the bile finally making itself known. Quinn was reading on her phone, with her arm still around my waist but jerked back when I pulled awake.
"You ok?" She asked but I just jumped from the bed and dashed to the bathroom, making it as far as the sink before I was spitting out stomach acid.
The dial was beginning to turn up.
And I had to catch it before I lost control.
"W-Water." I croaked out and Quinn shoved a bottle towards me.
"Have you eaten today?"
"No."
"Okay, we can grab something small before we go."
"Go?" I asked as I wiped my mouth.
"To mass...to a meeting."
"I c-can't do mass. I c-can't see her right now." I whispered and she nodded as more tears came.
"Hey, then we won't. There are plenty of people who can grab Izzy for you...maybe even keep him tonight. You don't have to see her."
"I need my meeting."
"Then we will go straight there after you eat and I'll message her not to come."
"Thanks."
"Sure. Now put on some pants so we can go get some food in you."
"Ay Ay Captain." I muttered as I headed back to the bedroom.
I quickly put on my pants before peeking in on the baby. She still slept, so we headed down to the kitchen.
Sue was putting food on plates when our eyes met.
"Good to see you on your feet, kid. Hungry?" She asked and I shook my head.
"No...but I need something." I admitted.
And Sue...probably the catalyst of my eating issues just nodded in agreement and served me a smaller plate of food.
We sat together, the four of us, and ate in companionable pseudo-silence.
No one brought up my loud sobs or the way that Quinn was suddenly here by my side.
Instead, Sue asked Quinn about school and they both told Tor about Cheerios.
Q looked happy to talk about how she was the youngest team captain in decades.
And I was able to quietly work on my plate, managing my expectations, and only eating enough to satisfy myself.
My nausea faded as I finished up. I went to stand and Quinn cleared her throat.
"Sit awhile, San. Tell Tor about those insane routines you created."
I knew what she was doing and she was probably right to do it.
So I didn't get mad, instead, I sat back down and turned on my charm.
Tor went along with it but the way her piercing eyes stared at me, I knew that she was seeing past my act. She gave me a look that Ian was famous for when he could see through my bullshit and just wanted me to be myself.
So I did for her what I often did for him.
I dropped the charm and allowed myself space to ache.
What was the point of hiding it?
I dropped the smile and just talked without pretense.
She seemed to be more comfortable with that.
Quinn helped me to clean the dishes after dinner and then she took my car keys and drove us to the church. We were the first ones at the meeting because the mass hadn't ended yet.
I nibbled on a cookie while Quinn swirled creamer in her coffee.
"I want you to know that I'm not leaving your side until you're ready. I'll be your CiCi or whatever you need...there were so many times that I walked away and let you slip. I know you're on this whole independence kick and I have classes but that doesn't mean I'm going to abandon you."
"Yeah?"
"Yup. I talked to Susan, while you slept. I gave her the rundown because I knew that you wouldn't...not yet and that Britt would sugarcoat it. Please don't be mad. Is that okay?"
"More than, okay. Britt needs help th-that I can't give her."
"She needs treatment and to get away from that leech."
"And now she's st-stuck." I muttered.
"Stuck how?"
"She's pr-pregnant." I said and Quinn went pale.
"That explains her exhaustion this morning."
"Yeah."
"And her hormonal crap."
"Yeah."
"But it doesn't explain why she hurt you."
I nodded as the room began to fill up.
Quinn took my hand halfway through the meeting as I stood up and told my story...well the nonincriminating parts.
And when it was time to go, she took us back to the house and blended in.
Watched movies, took over some of the parenting stuff, and had Rachel bring Isaac home.
He was bathed, happy, and excited to see me.
And like the intuitive baby he's always been, would not leave my side for the whole night.
I slept surrounded by my kids and Quinn, feeling beyond blessed.
God had seen my need for support and comfort and delivered big time.
As for B, I wasn't sure what came next but I wasn't going to come down on her head for this like my family would have wanted.
Instead, like the woman I was, I'd make her own up to it when I was ready.
And more than anything, I was going to make sure that I was strong enough to handle her being with someone else and parenting someone else.
I needed to fortify myself against whatever hellscape was on the horizon by managing my expectations of what was to come but not letting it take over my life.
This was the last time she would ever put me in the position to feel like a fucking victim.
