Brittany's POV
"Please come back...please? I'm sorry...please?"
"It's done, Brittany. I told you that."
"But...I can do better. I can be whatever it is that you need."
"We both know that's not true."
"Do you know what I've given up for you, for us? My family, my wife, my home...everything."
"I didn't tell you to do that. We agreed in the beginning that this was supposed to be casual. No one told you to fall in love with me. Have you found a place yet? You're running out of time."
"I forgot."
"Of course you did. It's paid through the 30th. That gives you nine days to find a place."
"I don't have money for a place."
"Well, I guess you need to stop fucking calling me and call your wife."
"She hates me."
"Again, no one told you to fall in love with me and throw your life away."
"Why are you so mean?"
"I have tried every way to get rid of you. You are just too fucking stupid to get it through your head!"
"Don't call me that!"
"Why not? It's true. Santana is a saint for putting up with you."
"She loves me."
"Then why are you on the phone with me?"
"I...I...need you...we made a life together, Grady!"
"Don't call me anymore, Brittany. I'm serious."
At the sound of silence, I knew he'd hung up on me. I tried calling right back, but I couldn't get through.
I tried over and over again, but it was no use.
My heart hurt.
He was right. I was so, so stupid.
Fuck!
An alarm woke me on Saturday morning to celebrate that Dani was officially 9 months.
I swiped through pictures of her smiling face and pressed my hand to my own stomach.
The pain was too much.
How could I walk away from my family?
Did she even remember me?
I spent the day in bed, not eating or talking, just scrolling through socials first, just trying to find a way to get into Grady's account, and when that wasn't working, I stalked Santana.
She had listened to my one request; there was no sign anywhere that she'd moved on with anyone.
No posts of her dark head of hair between anyone's legs...just pictures of the kids.
Izzy was getting so big. His curls were turning to waves, and Dani, the sweetest baby, looked just like her Mami. She had teeth and was standing.
All without me.
Then there were new pictures of the baby at the park with my parents and then Izzy down by the water with the ducks and Ana. It was the first picture of herself that she'd posted since before rehab, and she looked so good.
So healthy and happy, plus her smile was so beautiful.
More tears came, and I just sunk into the bed further, sobbing so hard.
Everything hurt.
I just wanted it all to stop.
There was no way that I could fix anything.
All I could do was hope that she'd take me back.
But did I even deserve that?
She was happy and healthy, and I couldn't bring her down.
No, I needed to get my shit together on my own.
Santana's POV
I was startled awake early Sunday morning when my phone started ringing at dawn.
"Lo?" I mumbled.
"Santana, it's Hector."
"Hey, Pa..." I sat up and rubbed at my eyes. "Everything okay?"
"Your mom is in the hospital, she is going to into surgery soon, she asked me not to call you, but I couldn't do that."
I was out of bed in a flash, reaching for the clothes that I had tossed on the floor the night before.
"What h-happened?"
"She had a heart attack. Luckily we were out with Dr. Rodriguez at the time. She's going in to get a blockage removed in an hour."
"I'm on my way."
"Okay."
I threw my phone down and then peaked in on the kids. They were both still asleep. I hated waking up my in-laws, but I needed coverage with the kids.
So, I got dressed and brushed my teeth, making myself presentable before I walked down the hall and knocked on the door.
There was shuffling and then a muffled, "Come in."
I pushed the door open, and Susan was sitting up in bed, with her glasses on reading while Rob snored on.
"Hey, um...I need...Mami...h-heart attack. Can you watch them?" I rushed out, and she went pale.
"Of course, go, keep me updated, okay?"
"Thanks!"
I turned to leave, but then she cleared her throat, "Santana?"
"Yes?"
"Breathe, she'll be furious if you are so upset that you get hurt while trying to get to her. So take a breath for me." I took a deep breath and then wiped at the tears that were coming.
"Thanks." I sighed.
"Let me know when you get there."
"Okay, thanks, Mom."
She smiled, "Bring me the baby monitor...don't forget."
"Right."
I kissed my babies and took the monitor to Susan before shooting a quick text to my network because I knew that I'd need them at some point in that day. I took more deep breaths before putting the car in drive...just trying my damndest to manage my expectations.
My mom is headed into emergency surgery, not sure how it's gonna go. Can we talk today?-Santana
I sped through town, saying every single prayer that I knew while trying to just breathe through it all.
My heart was racing, though; heart surgery was terrifying. I knew that first hand.
As I pulled into a spot, I traced the scar line on my chest and said another prayer.
My hands were shaking as I looked at my phone, and seeing all that support made me smile.
God is so good...my network is so good...old and new.
Yes. Go to a meeting. Follow as much of your routine as you can. Call me tonight-Cici
I'll keep my sch. light. Keep me updated. Praying for her-Doc
Hey, let me know if you need me to come to you. I'll shadow you all day if you need me too.-Walker
With my network updated and a check-in with Susan, I took another deep breath and walked into the hospital that I had spent way too much time at for two years straight.
Dr. Rodriguez met me in the lobby with a soft smile.
"Hey, how is she?"
"Hi. She's awake and pissed at Hector for calling you."
"She'll get over it...do we know wh-what happened?"
"Your mother has always taken crappy care of herself. This was inevitable with her medical history."
"Uh...what do you mean?"
"That's for her to tell you. Let's just say that she has learned a lesson."
"Will she m-make it through this?"
"Oh yes, she's going to be okay. This is precautionary, the first surgery just after...last night, that was the one that worried us."
"Last night?!" I shrieked as the elevator doors closed.
"It was all so fast, and there was no time to call you."
"Is she going to be okay with two surgeries back to back like this?"
"Yes...we just need to be extra cautious. Gloves, masks, and such."
Taking care of my mom post-surgery took precedence. Even though she had Pa at her side and didn't really need me, I felt like I needed to be there. So one day of Susan watching, the kids quickly turned to three. I was just using her place to sleep and pump milk before I was back at the hospital.
Not only that, my promise to Susan that I would check on Britt got pushed to the backburner.
It wasn't until Thursday afternoon that everything caught up with me in the hospital parking lot when I was headed to my car.
My vision got spotty, and I felt dizzy.
I had to lean against the car to keep myself from falling over.
"Hey, are you okay?" I glanced up and saw Walker climbing out of her car, looking nervous.
"Um...yeah."
"Santana, you look sick. Do you need to go back inside?"
"I just h-haven't eaten today." I said, trying to smile at her.
And I watched the light in her eyes.
"When did you last eat?"
"Don't remember."
"Okay, get in my car. I'm taking you to the Bean and then we are going to a meeting. You haven't been all week, I've checked. They weren't supposed to tell me, but I have some pull. Luckily I was coming to find you just now."
I didn't have it in me to fight. I just climbed into her passenger seat and closed my eyes while she drove.
"How is she?"
"Who?" I muttered.
"Your mother."
"Oh, she's good. Stubborn."
"So you get it honestly, then."
I was being shaken awake moments later and startled, completely disoriented.
"What?"
"You fell asleep." She handed me a cup and a bag. "I went in, ordered food, had a whole call with your mother-in-law, and now I'm waking you up."
"What?"
"Eat, kid."
I nodded and began to take large bites of my sandwich.
Waiting to be scolded, but instead, she was texting.
Manage expectations...I know better.
No bingeing.
I slowed down, taking smaller bites, and then I sat back when I was halfway through. I took a moment, a few deep breaths before taking small sips of my hot chocolate.
"Thanks."
"I wasn't going to tell you what to do. You get that, right?" She said, putting down her phone and looking at me hard.
This was a different side of her. She had that quiet authority, the kind you just naturally respected.
"Right."
She grinned.
"Not a bottom...sure, kid." She patted my shoulder and then took a sip of my hot chocolate. How could I even argue that anymore? I was who I was created to be by Papi and Marco. "God, is that what they are serving?" She shot a text out.
Within minutes, Dave was coming outside with another cup.
Walker put the window down and handed him the other one.
"Sorry, ma'am."
"How much is a premium hot chocolate, David?"
"$10.50."
"Do you know how I get away with charging that much for something without coffee or alcohol in it?"
"The taste?"
"Are you asking me or telling me?"
"The taste, ma'am."
"Go back inside, contact the phone tree, we are going to have mandatory training. I want every single one of you to relearn how to make the fucking menu." She snapped, and he got pale.
"Yes, ma'am."
"Go."
"That was harsh." I muttered as I began eating the second half of my sandwich since I felt much better already.
"It's not. I think I've raised my voice like that with my staff, twice ever. This is an issue that began when I made David the manager of this location. He has always been somewhat lazy, and I thought it was because he was bored and that giving him a promotion would inspire him to do more. Be better but instead, he has inspired everyone under him to be just as lazy as he is. I could either fire him on the spot and risk retribution or bad yelp reviews, or I can take it back to the beginning and retrain. I promoted him, so it's on me if he fucks up. Does that make sense?"
"Yeah, it's like b-being cheer captain, ultimately if the team fucks up, it's on the captain and the coach."
"Exactly, and it's like that with recovery as well. You manage your recovery, there's going to be a million triggers that come along, like a bad employee, and you can either condition yourself to rise above your triggers, meaning train yourself to deal with them, or you can just give the fuck up and start all over again."
"Wow. I n-never thought of it like that."
"I was you, Santana, and I would be remiss if I did not pass on what I have learned. You have been struggling all week, and instead of managing your triggers, doing what you could to keep yourself from slipping, you've been giving in, slowly but surely."
"Maybe a little."
"You nearly passed out in a parking lot an hour ago."
"Right."
"Finish up. We can hit a meeting after I take you back home to rest."
"Rest? That doesn't exist. I have kids."
"Not that home...my home. Just a little nap, and then we can head to a meeting. Charlie has track after school today, so no need to worry about a teenage boy in your face."
"Charlie is great. He could never b-bother me."
"Yeah, I know, and if he had his way, he'd rope you into a gaming tournament thing."
"I'd love that."
"Today, you rest...maybe if you get your shit together, we can plan something this weekend."
I'll be home after the meeting tonight. Around 5. You and Rob should go out to dinner, on me-Santana
Are you sure?-Susan
Yes. You've been my hero all week!-Santana
Thanks, honey, I'll make a reservation! :)-Susan
Walker wasn't kidding.
She took my phone and then forced me into her bed.
The moment that I closed my eyes, I could feel myself drifting. It was just after noon. How was I this tired?
My sleep was dreamless and deep.
When I woke up a while later, I felt foggy, unsure where I was at first, and then it all came back to me.
I stretched, and my body cracked in a dozen places as I stumbled out of bed.
Walker hadn't come back into the room from the looks of it since my pants were right where I tossed them by the door.
Sometimes I strip in my sleep...it's one of Britt's favorite things.
With more rest in me, my memory came back to me.
I had promised Susan that I'd check in on B.
And I had promised Rob that we'd go to the apartments to finalize plans.
I'm pretty sure I had also promised both Z and Pito something too.
But Mami had come first, even if I spent most of my time in her room just hovering.
Walker was right. I needed to prioritize. I could be a good daughter without letting my own world fall apart.
If I couldn't handle things as they were now when they were at a slower pace, how the hell was I supposed to handle New York?
While I mentally beat myself up, I made Walker's bed and then shimmied into my pants. My stomach growled as I walked out into the hallway.
I could hear Walker's voice, low and deep, coming from somewhere in the house, but I needed a bathroom way more than I needed another lecture.
What if I'd only slept for twenty minutes or something?
But no, I felt way more rested than a catnap could have provided.
After relieving myself and then washing my face, I took a few moments to just breathe.
When I stepped out into the hallway, Walker came up the stairs with my phone pressed to her ear.
I raised my eyebrow, but she just looked concerned.
"What now?" I sighed, holding my hand out for my phone.
"How are you feeling?" She asked, after putting the phone on mute.
"Better, did I sleep long?"
"Three hours."
"Who is that?"
"I think it's Brittany...well, I know it's her, but she's crying so hard that I can barely understand her."
I was immediately on high alert as I snatched the phone from her. Britt was not going to understand a random woman answering my phone. Separated or not.
Walker hadn't been exaggerating. Britt was crying, insanely hard.
Something bad had happened, and I immediately felt like shit for not checking in on her.
"Britt? Are you okay?"
"No."
"Where are you?"
"My office. I had to d-distract myself."
"What's wrong?"
"I-I messed up...I'm r-really stupid."
"You're not stupid." Walker gestured towards her bedroom when the door opened downstairs, and Charlie was calling for her. I nodded and went back to her room and shut the door.
Britt was sobbing in my ear, and then she sighed.
"I-I...I want to come home. I know that you don't want me there...but...my heart...it's b-br-breaking. It's broken, and I only want to be with you and the k-kids and my parents...fuck!"
"What is it? Please talk to me."
I sat on the edge of the bed and waited. I was getting worried, but at the same time, Walker's words were still fresh. Brittany was a giant trigger for me, but that was only because I had given her all the power most of the time.
This time, I was just allowing her to come to me.
I silently prayed for her and for whatever was so bad that it got her this worked up, and then the words hit.
And I felt winded.
"I got...rid of the baby." She moaned into the phone.
Fuck.
"What happened?" I tried to say as calmly as possible, even though I was freaking out inside, abortion was not something that Brittany was built for. It wasn't for the meek.
"He...he...convinced me that it would be for the best."
My heart clenched.
I wanted to kill that asshole for manipulating her. I knew that he didn't want that baby, and once he could see that she was really pregnant and that I wasn't going to bankroll either of them, a reality with her became real to him. Britt, her mental illness, and a kid would be his life, and it spooked him, but I didn't think that he would go this far.
"Where is he now?"
"He dropped from the show and disappeared. He stayed at the clinic until it was over, then he came back here and then resigned. Th-Then he told my bosses that I had pressured him into having sex. He's gone, Dionne's gone...I don't know what to do!"
Neither did I.
I mean, this was the one thing that I hadn't done...the one thing that I had never gone through, so I really didn't know what to say.
All I knew was that my mind was running in circles, trying to think of how I could track him down and kill him.
So much for taking time away from Britt. I knew that she would need me now, so strong enough or not, I was going to have to deal with this.
I was going to have to try and at least calm her down enough to get her to breathe because it didn't sound like she was doing much of that at this moment.
"Are you going to try and c-come home?"
"I-I can't."
"Why not?"
"He told my bosses...about us...they just left my office...they called me unprofessional and immature, and they told me that if I wanted to keep this job that I needed to commit myself fully to the show, and now it is my job to find a new male lead. It was harder to cast that role than the female lead. I have to keep moving forward. That's what they said."
"Oh...wow. Do you want me to come there?"
"No! Please...I just needed to hear your voice. I have to do this on my own. I screwed with what we had, and now I need to figure this out by myself."
"I'm here if you need me."
"I always need you, Ana...even now when I don't want you here. I will always need you."
"How long are y-you going to be at your office?"
"I have nowhere else to go. I had to m-move out of my place before the 30th. I would have gone to the house, but you know how Sandra feels about that. I'll just stay here on my sofa bed. It's really comfortable. Thank you for listening to me. I have to head to a meeting."
"Okay. Just...please promise me that you will call me if you need to talk and if not me, then Q...she's only a few blocks away."
"Maybe...I gotta go."
"I love y-" she hung up the phone before I finished.
I sat there with the phone in my lap and stared down at a picture of Britt holding Isaac.
"So, what happened?" I jumped when I realized that Walker was standing there.
"She got an ab-abortion...she's really torn up about it."
"Wow."
"I know. I feel helpless. What should I do?"
"What did she tell you to do?"
"Stay here."
"Then that's what you are going to do."
"Right...but...she needs me."
"So does everyone else. You can only do so much. For now, clean your face, breathe...we can head out and grab a bite before the meeting."
"Yeah, okay."
"Hey?"
I looked up at her and could see the concern on her face, she'd just given me this whole lecture, and I was prepared to throw it all out the window, but I knew that I couldn't. This wasn't about me saving the day, this was about me saving myself.
I was useless to everyone who needed me if I wasn't around anymore.
"Okay, yeah. I get it." I said, not letting her continue. "Manage expectations...put me first. I know."
"Good."
Brittany's POV
"Hey, are you ready, B? We need to be on stage in ten minutes."
"Hmm?"
"Girl, we need you to get your shit together. You know that."
"I know, Tony, I'm just tired."
"Well, be tired later. Frank and August want us to run through every routine."
"I can't dance," I said. "My shoulder hurts. You know it's never been right after the gunshot."
"Fine, I'll dance with Ari, but you need to be on stage at least pretending to direct."
"Okay."
He looked me over and then stormed from my office, leaving the door open so that anyone who passed it could see the mess and me, laying there eating Lucky Charms and probably smelling awful.
I used a baby wipe to clean my neck and face before shoving my hair into a ponytail. I felt like shit, but that didn't matter.
My job was on the line, and it was obvious that Santana wasn't going to stop her life for me.
Why should she?
I didn't deserve her.
No.
What I deserved was this, exactly, pain when I moved and nausea when I wasn't eating.
I passed Ari's office, and she was coming out smelling clean, her smile plastered on, but the moment she saw me, it dropped.
"You okay, B?"
"No."
"Do you want me to get them to cancel this?"
"No."
"Are you sure you don't want my key to the house?"
"No. There's no use in you getting banned from the house too. Sandra probably has cameras up."
"Fair point."
"Let's get this over with."
After running through the routines and promising that tomorrow, I'd be ready to dance it through myself, I went back to my office, locked the door, and turned off the lights.
If they didn't know I was in there, they couldn't bug me.
My body was screaming at me to not move, to just melt away into nothingness.
Instead, I curled around my box of cereal and watched videos of the kids and Ana.
The tears came...then...I finally began watching the video of my baby's heartbeat.
It was the only thing I had left.
My body felt sore and empty, while my head felt like it was full of bees and cotton candy.
I wanted to go home so bad, but I wasn't allowed.
Which was probably for the best. I'd only bring down Ana and the kids.
My parents had already lost one daughter, I didn't want them to see me like this and think the worst.
They only deserved to see me doing good and being happy.
Karma had kicked me right in the face, and I just needed to face it.
I'd get up at some point.
Right now, I just needed time.
And space.
And sleep, and when I was better, I would go get my wife.
And my kids.
I'd make a home and put this behind us.
There was no better place than with her.
Why did I have to keep learning this lesson?
Santana's POV
My soul hurt as I climbed the stairs up to the house.
The meeting had calmed me enough to think through hopping on a plane and tracking that motherfucker down.
And Walker insisting that I eat with her back at her house seemed to quell the nausea.
But going back to Britt's parents' house with news of their daughter's suffering wasn't easy.
I was disturbed on so many levels, and knowing that Britt was hurting and alone in this, well, that didn't sit right with me.
Her sleeping in her office instead of in our bed because she didn't have my network protecting her anymore, even though it was my fucking house, well that just pissed me off, and if Sandra didn't have a newborn at home, I'd tell her about herself.
I knew better though, Sandra would tear me to pieces and not let me forget it...so then naturally, the more cynical part of me kicked in, and I tried to stop myself from thinking about how she had done this to herself, and how she just had to face the music.
Only, every time I've needed recovery, despite what she put me through, she was there for me when I needed her, even if a big part of me felt betrayed by her.
Still, though, I know what it is like to lose a child, and whether she had done this willingly or not, there was still a loss of life, and when you are the type of person that Brittany is, that has got to tear into your spirit.
How was I supposed to help her through this?
Was there even a way?
When I went inside, Isaac was curled up on the couch with Rob watching monster trucks, and my baby was somewhere crying.
"Sounds like Mami is home," Susan sang as she came into the room with my screaming little girl. "Oh, look!"
I smiled at them both and then took Daniela into my arms.
She calmed instantly.
"Are you giving Gam a h-hard time? Hmm?"
She gripped my boob, and I just rolled my eyes.
I looked over at Rob and Isaac, both engrossed in their trucks, and looked at Susan.
"We need to talk."
"Kitchen?" She said, and I nodded.
I followed her to the table, and then I adjusted my shirt for Daniela to go to town.
She latched on, and I winced, my nipples were cracked, and her teeth did not help.
"It might be time to ween her, honey." Susan said, and I nodded.
"Agreed...will you h-help me?"
"Of course, but does that mean you're staying longer?"
"I was thinking of staying until the end of the year."
"Oh wow...is this...what you needed to talk about? Do you need to stay longer?"
"No...this is about B."
Susan looked nervous, and she should be.
"Tell me...please?"
I wasn't sure what to say exactly, but I knew that I had to tell Susan something, if I couldn't go to New York then at least she should. I knew that she would know how to treat the situation, which was needed because I was completely out of answers.
"She called me a few hours ago...she's...she."
My phone buzzed just then, and I pulled it out of my pocket because now I didn't want to be too far away if Britt needed me.
And like her amazing timing, Britt messaged me when I was across from the one person that knew her better than anyone else.
"Is that her?" Susan asked, and I just nodded as I messaged with Britt.
R u mad at me?-B
No.-Ana
Did u tell anyone yet? I can't do it myself...it's too hard.-B
I'm with your mom. Do you want me to tell her?-Ana
Yes.-B
More tears came, but I wiped at my face, trying to compose myself before reaching my free hand over to Susan. She was getting upset, and I knew I needed to just say the words, but they felt impossible to say.
She'd lost Court, and in a way, she was losing Britt.
"What's going on?"
"She got an...she...the baby's gone." I muttered, not being able to say the word.
"She got an abortion?!" Susan looked like she'd been struck, then she was crying too as she spoke, "She stood right in this house and told me that she wouldn't, what changed?"
"Grady...he pressured her into it, he stayed there until it was over and then went back and told her bosses about the affair and how she pressured him into and then he dropped from the show. She has no idea where he is."
Susan looked at me with a clenched jaw and then brought her hands to her face.
I thought she was crying more, but after a moment, she took a deep breath and then looked at me with an angry glance.
Her tears wiped away.
I readjusted the baby, trying to remind her that she needed to be calm. She looked at the baby and then at me...her eyes desperate.
"So, now what? Are you going to go to her?"
"She doesn't want me there. I offered...and she can't come here, or she's fired."
"My baby is over there all alone?"
"I'm sorry, Susan."
"This...this isn't your fault...it's mine. I should have been there for my daughter, but instead, I let anger cloud my judgment. This can cause her to return to her old habits. I really don't want her to end up in the mental hospital again. It was terrible. She was just unresponsive and cried all the time. I'll go do her, see if I can comfort her through this."
"What should I do?"
Susan squeezed my hand.
"You keep going to meetings and running your businesses. You worry about renovating your apartments and taking care of these kids today, tomorrow, and every day afterward. The best thing that you can do is focus on your babies. Focus on your recovery and then if and when the time is right...Brittany."
"So you agree with B...that I need to just stay here?"
"Yes...because you are right where you belong."
On Friday, Mami was back at home comfortably and banned me from coming to see her if it was for anything other than to bring the kids over for her to love up on. Of course, I was absolutely not going to foist two babies on her when she was fresh out of the hospital.
So, I was forced to focus on myself...which I'm not as good at as I used to be.
I had already gone to a meeting and then returned to the house, promptly shooing Susan and Rob out the door with my credit card. I put on some Elmo and was just vegging on the couch with a book while the kids were hypnotized by that freaking monster.
As the nights went, it wasn't so bad.
Sure, maybe I needed to be doing some supermom shit, but I was exhausted, and the kids seemed to be just fine.
I was just getting into my book when my phone rang.
"Yes?"
"As a business owner, you really should be answering nicer. Just a thought." Z said, and I sighed.
"Sorry, Z. Is everything okay?"
"Yeah, a friend of yours stopped by and wanted to talk to you."
"Who?"
The phone shuffled, and I heard a familiar laugh.
"Hey, girl."
"Wheezy? Oh God, it's been forever, what's up? All good?"
"Everything is great. I'm in town for the weekend. I needed some hometown inspiration for my album. Z told me you were here. I took it as a sign. Are you busy?"
"Um...no more than normal, just here with the kids."
"Can I come see you?"
"Sure. I'm at Britt's...well, her parents."
"Oh cool, I'll be there in ten."
I didn't spruce myself up for most people, but for Mercedes, I always felt like I needed to bring my A-game. So I cleaned up the toys and put on a movie for the kids, something not monster related, and Isaac whined but managed to get sucked in almost immediately.
Daniela, though, just wanted to sit next to me and keep her hand on my boob, as if it would leave her.
Mercedes knocked a few minutes later, and I went to move, but Daniela gripped me, so I had to put her on my hip as I made my way to the door, her hand still held onto my boob.
Seeing Mercedes made me feel choked up.
She was off living my dream, and I was jealous and proud.
When she wrapped her arms around the baby and me, I heard the stumbling of feet and then felt little arms wrap around my legs.
"Oh Lord, look how big he is! Can I pick him up?"
"If he lets you."
She held her arms out to him, and Isaac let her pick him up, squealing when she showered his face with kisses.
It felt good to just have no bad blood between us.
Mercedes was one of the few glee clubbers I could say that about.
"Come on in." I said, and she moved past me with Isaac and then put him back on the floor as she sat down.
He waved at her and then sat on the little foam lounger that Susan had got him and watched the movie.
Daniela clung to me, glaring at Mercedes every few seconds.
"It's like looking at a smaller you. Wow. Did you just hit copy and paste?"
"Let's just hope that she doesn't have my attitude or we are all in tr-trouble."
"You got that right. So I won't keep you. I just wanted to talk to you in person."
"Alright, t-talk."
"Are you still writing music? You know, like you secretly did when no one was looking?"
"Uh...yes. How did you know that?"
"When you're expected to sway behind Rachel, you hear and see a lot."
"Touché."
"You play the piano too, right?"
"Yeah...why?" I tried not to get excited, but I knew I was failing.
What was she asking me?
"Would you...want to maybe do a song together...lay down a track with some of your rock star piano playing and an original song? I can get you paid and everything."
"Of course!" I said feeling, joy, and light filling me for the first time in what felt like an eternity. "I would be honored to."
"Great! There's a recording studio downtown...maybe we can't rent out space and practice?"
I nodded my head in agreement.
"I know the place." I had been eyeing it but hadn't gotten up the courage to go in and book time.
When it came to music, my confidence was shot since losing my voice, but maybe it was time to get back to my first love.
This would be the perfect distraction from Brittany.
Hopefully.
Brittany's POV
I danced for them like a show monkey, and when they were satisfied, I demanded some time off, and I used Tony to do it. With him also confessing that he was overworked without the script being fully finalized, Frank and August said we could take a break coming in for a while as long as we booked time with the dancers once a week.
Once the scripts were done and workshopped, then we'd be forced to go back in.
So now I had a month and nowhere to go.
Frankie had rented out the house across the street, and with the way she was throwing herself at me the last time we talked, I wasn't going to put myself through that.
I left when everyone did and when they were gone, I snuck back in...happy to have the whole theater to myself.
Mom showed up in town for a few days, she wouldn't stop calling me and crying into the phone, but I wouldn't see her.
It was for her own good.
She deserved to see me better.
I made myself a ghost, hiding in the subway with the homeless guys during the day until she left.
My body still ached, but the freedom to just come and go felt worth it.
Everyone was better off.
And the longer I sat on that station platform, staring at the tracks, the more I was tempted to pitch myself in front of a train.
Mom called before she left and threatened to have me committed.
I don't know what she thought that would do, but it only sunk me further.
She was just so willing to throw me away.
Just like everyone else.
Santana's POV
With Susan gone for a week and Rob hard at work, I got to spend my free time with Mercedes, playing and recording during the kids' naptimes every single day, and I never felt happier.
Music was still my mistress, and I knew that I couldn't quit. I still had to pursue it, even if it was just writing the songs for the world to sing.
Of course, my euphoria didn't last long because soon enough, Susan was home, and everything shifted.
Seeing Susan come back from New York looking like she'd lost another child was heartbreaking.
Rob couldn't console her, so instead of trying, he started staying at the apartments all night, working instead of going against her grief.
Isaac was calling for her whenever he could, slapping his little hand on the door, but she wouldn't answer.
Each day, I'd get up and take care of the kids, then I would take care of her, making sure she ate and showered.
Then I would drag her out of the house to walk with me or over to the apartments to take Rob's lunch.
Britt's parents became my parents, and when I was sure they were okay, I'd put the kids in the car and go check on my own mother.
And then, finally, I would take my ass to a meeting with the kids in tow, grateful for the little children's area run by the nuns for these meetings.
Afterward, Walker, the kids, and I would go out to eat.
Sometimes at We Lime or the Lima Bean, and one time at Breadstix.
And do you know what happened that one time that I allowed myself to indulge?
I got a text from Brittany, with a picture of Walker, me, and the kids eating...and the text that simply said.
You deserve to be happy. :)-B
We hadn't even finished eating, so I looked around, and I knew right then who had been tipping her off about Sugar and now Walker.
JBI.
Motherfucker.
Not what you think. Just my Lima sponsor.-Ana
She's pretty, you should go for it. I'm not in the way.-B
What's that mean?-Ana
U R free, baby. You earned it.-B
You're talking nonsense. You're making me sad.-Ana
That's all I'll ever do-B
The tears were coming, and I didn't know what more to say to Britt, so I just took a deep breath and focused on my kids.
And when Charlie showed up, his skateboard under his arm, and sat next to his mom, I just smiled and focused on Isaac, who was mashing a meatball into his mouth.
Fuck JBI for making this more than just a friendship.
And fuck Britt for thinking I would move on with someone, have them around OUR kids, and not tell her about it. Fuck her for thinking that moving on would be easy for me, that just because she wasn't here physically that she wasn't going to always be in my way because even now, she was still IT for me.
Monday, October 14th, 2013
Oh, Henry...
It took everything in me not to shove my fist down JBI's throat. Now I have to back peddle with Britt when she's at her lowest, and I shouldn't have to.
The only thing that has been keeping me sane is knowing that I'm still managing my expectations well when it comes to my recovery. I'm eating again on a schedule, and I'm still getting time to run, but now it just feels like I'm running from something.
There is good news, though, Mr. Oliver is officially back in his old place. It's freshly painted, the pipes and wiring are all new, and I replaced his whole bedroom set.
I got the happiest voicemail from him, and I had to listen twice to confirm it was him. This also means that I can move home soon.
But first, there is something I need to do, and it can't wait another moment.
I need to see Britt and bring her back here if I can. Something in my gut tells me that if I don't go soon, there won't be a Brittany left, and that's the scariest thought of all.
My heart cannot understand a world where Brittany doesn't exist.
Santana
The idea was that I was going to drag Brittany from whatever hole she climbed into, and with some help from my mother, who was BORED in her recovery, Susan began to become herself again, knowing that I'd help Britt after all.
Mami promised me that she would be a thorn in Susan's side until I returned to do it myself.
At first, I was going to make my way to the city alone, but then I called Doc and CiCi while in the car with Walker.
The three of them convinced me that it wasn't the best way to handle what I could be walking into because if Susan was jacked up just from the pursuit of Britt, what would my actually finding her do to me.
I knew that she was mourning the baby she had lost and that us being in limbo didn't help matters, so I was willing to listen to all the advice that I could get. Doc brought up that by going to see her and help her, I might just be setting some things in motion between us.
She asked me if I was ready for that, and I was honest with her...if I waited until I was 'ready,' it would never come.
I thrived off of pressure.
But then I said, just in jest to Walker that should come with me.
And then Doc agreed and CiCi too.
Before I knew it, we were setting up a time for us to have coffee.
It felt good to not be discouraged from going after Britt. What also felt good was knowing that Walker would be there with me...someone who took no shit and wasn't afraid of me.
She and Nico would have gotten along very well.
Britt needed me to be there for her, to at the very least get her on her feet so she could turn this thing around, and I wasn't going to give up on her no matter how much shit I got from anyone.
Thankfully, those that mattered didn't fight me.
It was like I was gaining trust again, and it felt so damn good, that alone was a good enough reason to stay sober.
