A/N: Happy New Year.


No Light, No Light (Florence and the Machine)


Santana's POV


Walker's face lit up as we rode in a cab towards my house.

"Have you never been to New York before?"

She looked at me for a long, vacant moment and then looked back out of the window in time to see Times Square. I had purposely asked the cabbie to take the tourist route. The city at night was always my favorite. The lights and the people bustling around was worth the noise.

Walker looked wistful.

"Not sober." She muttered, and I knew it was a sore spot.

"Welcome then."

"Where are we staying?"

"My house, it should be em-empty. Ari is back at school, and Britt doesn't have keys."

"That's shitty."

"Yeah, well, my family can be shitty in the spirit of protecting me."

"Good to know."

"Maybe you can bring Charlie back here, see a show or something. I'd be happy to host you."

"That's a good idea, thanks, kid."

"Anytime."

Isaac crawled from my lap to Walker's, trying to see out of the window.

She held him tightly, and I was able to look away.

All morning, I had been messaging Britt, but she wasn't answering me.

In fact, for days, I had been trying to talk to her, but she was radio silent.

No me gusta.

Hey, are you guys working tomorrow?-Anita

The response was immediate, of course.

Yes! Come when we're on a break, around noon. Are you here already?-Ari

I am, does she know?-Anita

Not unless her mom told her. I haven't told her. I think that you need to see her as she is.-Ari

How long is your break?-Anita

Two hours, band will be practicing.-Ari

Great, I'll see you then.-Anita


The only person I told that we were coming to New York, other than Ari, was Quinn.

Something about the way Sue had asked about me seeing Quinn seemed ominous and didn't want to leave anything to chance.

So it was no surprise that she was waiting at the foot of the steps when the cab pulled up.

"Dama." Isaac whispered sleepily from Walker's shoulder.

"Hand him here." I said, and Walker seemed to get it...not wanting to look like I had built a family with her. Once my son was in my arms again, Walker got out and held the door open for me.

Quinn's eyebrow was raised as she looked from Walker to me, but I tried not to pay it any mind. Instead, I handed her Isaac and kissed her cheek.

"I missed you." I said, and Q smirked.

"I missed you too."

"Your sisters wanted to bombard you with a family dinner tonight, but I insisted that it was too much. Tomorrow after you deal with B, everyone is coming over. You've been warned."

"Thanks."

I helped Walker with the bags as we followed Quinn into the house.

From the smell of it, she'd been here early and cleaned a bit.

It was freshly mopped and dusted.

"You cleaned up!" I said to Q, and she shook her head as she laid Isaac down on the couch.

"Nope, this was Ari. She gave her keys back to Sandra a while back and didn't want to ask her for them back, so she came to me for my set."

"Wow."

"Yeah, I didn't think anything of it until you called and told me you were coming."

"That's the Fabray way, don't ask questions."

"Exactly."


Walker seemed exhausted, so I left her in the downstairs guest room while I headed upstairs with Isaac and Q.

Once we were alone, Quinn dropped the polite act.

Just like I knew she would.

"Are you two fucking? I never took you for banging older women."

"No. Watch your language, and for your information, I have banged women older than her...when I escorted." We were getting Isaac changed and set up in my bed, with the noise machine on. He was half asleep as he watched us talk.

"Right, sorry, it's been a while since I had any good gossip. So you have a platonic friend, is she like the first you haven't slept with?"

"I haven't slept with Rachel or Mercedes...or Tina." I said.

"Right, those aren't really your friends, not like Carmen or me."

"Look, I'm turning over a new leaf. I don't need to sleep with everyone. She's been amazing to me, and I'd like things to stay exactly how they are."

"Okay, how's it feel to barely stutter these days?"

"Amazing, it happens when I'm flustered or tired."

"Not bad."

"How about you? Still screwing the hobbit?"

"Meh." Quinn shrugged and then leaned over and kissed Isaac. "It was a summer fling, once we were back here...things changed."

"As in?"

"I'm pretty sure she's screwing Puck, and you know, I'm okay with that. I have my eye on the prize."

"Med school or my sister?"

"Would you hate me if I said both?"

"Nope, you two are endgame. I'm calling it now."

"You sure? She is thrilled with this, Maggie, Megan, Mary person." Quinn rolled her eyes and got a little pink.

"Aww, you're jealous."

"Well yeah, I want her back, and without you here, my Sunday dinner invites are far and few between."

"Is that your way of asking when I'm moving back?"

"Yes. It's been three months, Britt's flailing, I'm lonely, and your sisters are closing rank. The only person who still talks to me is Ari, and she's in love or something. I need my girl back."

I pulled Q into a tight hug, and she let out a sigh.

"Soon enough, Q."

"Yeah?"

"Definitely."

"Good."


I woke up way too early the next morning, with Quinn spooning me and Isaac pressed against my front. Being back home felt right or almost. I missed B, and I felt like I had left her floundering for long enough.

A part of me expected her to reach out again, especially if I left enough breadcrumbs that I was on my way to save her but still, I got nothing.

My original plan had been to come here for three days, to bombard her with Isaac and me...happiness but waking up in our bedroom with Quinn snoring in my ear and my son looking at peace...I knew I had to change the plan.

"Q?" I whispered and then threw back an elbow.

"Ow...that was so not necessary."

"You up?"

"Obviously, what's up?"

"Do you have class today?"

"I do, but I can skip a day. What do you need?"

"Can you take Walker out for the day and show her the city?"

"And Izzy?"

"Well, yeah, I think this first time that I see B, it should just be her and me."

"Promise me that if you feel any darkness or temptation that you will call."

"I promise."

"Okay. When do you want to head to the theater?"

"Now. I'm going to grab breakfast at the cart, you can drive us over...or walk me, but I'd like to be there when she wakes up."

"Then you should call Ari. She has the keys. I'm pretty sure that Britt's been living there."

"Is that allowed?"

"Not that I know of."

"Okay, I'm gonna get dressed. Can you message Ari for me?"

"Sure."

"You're the best."

"San?"

"Hmm?" I said as I slipped from the bed.

"Should I worry?"

"About me, no. I plan to go straight to a meeting tonight before facing the family."

"Will you bring B back here?"

"No, at least, not while my family is here. They will pr-probably make shit worse."


When we got down to the living room, Walker was sitting on the couch with the phone to her ear and typing away on her laptop.

"Morning." I said, and she smiled at me before putting the phone to her chest.

"Thought I'd get some payroll done. Are we leaving?"

"Actually, Walker, I am going to take you and Izzy around the city today, after you are finished working."

"Oh. Where will you be, Santana?" Her tone was almost accusatory, but that might be because of the last week.

"With B. I think it just needs to be me today. You and Q can pick me up tonight, and we can go to a m-meeting, then have dinner here with my family."

"What day are we meeting with Dr. Clover?"

"Tomorrow."

"Okay, just take it easy today. You haven't been in the best mental state after Sofia." She raised an eyebrow, and I could feel the clicking of a puzzle piece for Q.

Great.

I should have known that combining my worlds was going to open me up for criticism.

Oh well.

There are worse things, I suppose.

"I'm going to head to the theater now. Do you want to come for the walk?" I asked her, and she put her stuff to the side, mumbled something into her phone, and ended the call.

"Yup. I want to see your life here, so I can help you when you need it."

"Okay, let's go."


Walker was full of questions about my life as we walked the few blocks to the warehouse district.

I'd made it a point to stop and grab breakfast sandwiches for me and B. Both Q and Walker were happy about that. It was like having two prison guards at my sides, and perversely, I think I liked the security of it.

Quinn pushed Isaac in his little stroller and sang the Elmo song obnoxiously loud for him.

"Q, it's 6am." I grumbled.

"So what? He needs to get used to the noise of the city again."

As we neared the building, there stood a familiar face. Ari was grinning at me, and then she crouched down in front of the stroller.

"Hey, buddy!"

"Tee!" He screeched, and she reached for her face, then he slobbered all over her. When she pulled away, he looked so proud of himself. "Up?" He held his arms up for her, but then she looked at me.

"He's staying with Q today. Maybe tomorrow."

"Sorry, buddy, Mami says no."

Isaac glared at me. "Bad Mami!"

I leaned down and kissed his face a hundred times. "Be good for Dama and Wawa, okay?"

He leaned out of the stroller enough to see Walker and then smiled at her.

She winked at him, and he burst into giggles.

"Take him now, Q...while he's happy."

"You'll call, promise?"

"I promise, now go." I kissed her cheek and then waited there with Ari while they headed off towards home.


When they were out of sight, Ari leaned in and kissed my cheek.

"I'm sorry in advance for not telling you just how bad she's gotten...She is taking Grady leaving really hard. I've been trying to have her back, but he was a dick, and she's better off without him."

"So you don't know?"

"Know what?"

I turned around and took the hands of my oldest, most pious friend.

"She had an abortion."

Ari's face went pale as she shook her head in disbelief.

"I didn't know...no one knew. If I had known...God bless her. I would have treated this differently. I just thought she was like this over him leaving her so that he could go to the service."

"The service?"

"He went home with Dionne for a weekend, and the next thing you know...he drops out of the show, and he skips town. I got a text from him a few days ago about needing to start being a man and how sorry he was about leaving me hanging. I still don't get why Dionne left the show, though."

"Wow."

"Enough about that...I will be back as soon as I'm done with my run. She barely has the strength to dance. That's why I feel confident about leaving you with her. She's too broken to get to that angry place. I can tell the bosses are at their wit's end, and Frankie isn't here to save her. So please, go get your girl back before she loses her job along with everything else."

"Okay. Thanks so much for this."

"I should be back in about 45 minutes. Our practice is an hour and a half, she usually stumbles into practice a half-hour late, so if you can get her there on time, that would be awesome."

"I'll do my best."

"Lock this door behind me, bums wander. Text me if anything." She left me just inside the door with a kiss to my cheek and a wink.


My heart was racing as I stood inside the dark theater. I locked the door and then took a moment to connect with God.

With my wife somewhere in the building, I felt so much anxiety for what I was about to walk into, calmed only by the fact that Ari promised to check in as soon as she was finished her run.

"Father God, please be with me this week. Help me to help her. Court, if you can hear me, have my back. We need to help our girl. Please, God, let her not be beyond my help. Guide me through this. Amen."

I crossed myself and then made my way to the back hallway.

There were about a million doors, each one with a name taped on the glass. I walked down to the very end, to the one that just said 'B-Lo', and I smiled to myself. She'd been so happy to use that as her dance name, and to see it, with her full name in print just below, Brittany S. Lopez...it gave me hope.

Light illuminated the hallway just outside the door, and I could hear the dull hum of a tv.

I had to strip away any blame or guilt. This had to be 100% about her.

The meeting tonight, the family dinner, and Walker being here was about me...but this time, right now, was about Brittany and how I could drag her out of this rut.

Feeling like I just wanted to run away, I bit the fucking bullet, and I knocked.

"Hold on!" I heard Britt grumble.

She sounded like she was either sleeping or really annoyed. I waited for about sixty seconds, and when she didn't come to the door, I knocked again, much harder than the first time.

This time I heard the sound of the sofa bed creaking and then footsteps.

"Damnit."

She whipped the door open, looking and smelling like hell.

"Hey," I said, and it took her a beat, but her fury soon turned to a small smile before she threw herself at me and wrapped me in a hug.

"Thank you." She whimpered as she held me.

Her body smelled unwashed and metallic, but I didn't let her go.

She was weeping against my neck, and I just stood there, rubbing her back and rocking her.

It had been the right move to come alone. No one should see her like this...so broken.

God, please, please let me be able to help her.


Britt looked embarrassed as I walked further into her office.

Usually, I was the messy one, but that had evidently changed as I walked through piles of dirty clothes and take-out containers just to get to her desk. I put down the bag of food and then turned to look at her.

She was in oversized clothes that had to be Grady's and was standing there in her bare feet looking paler than I had ever seen her.

"I g-got us breakfast from the cart. I need you to eat while I clean up."

"I was gonna do it." She mumbled, looking like a child.

"Sit down and eat. Let me take care of you."

"Okay." She said, shuffling to the couch. I handed her the bag and then turned to survey the room.

"Eat that. I'll be right back. Leave this door open." I said, glancing at her once more before leaving her office.

She had nodded and kept eating, which was a relief if I ever saw one.

If Susan and Rob could see her now, they'd both probably cry.

Shit, I wanted to cry, but there was no time for that.

I found a trash can on wheels and cleaning supplies in an alcove and dragged them back to her office.

She'd finished eating and was just sitting there, staring into nothingness.

"B?"

Nothing.

I left the trash can and went closer to her, snapping my fingers in front of her face. After a moment, she looked at me with tears in her eyes.

"I...messed up." She said, sounding haunted.

"We all mess up. Right now, we are going to just work on things moment by moment. Can you do that?"

She nodded. "Um...yeah."

"Good, so I need you to pick up all of your clothes and put them in a pile on the end of the couch. I will take them home and wash them...okay?"

"Home?" She looked at me with hope in her eyes...knowing that me being home meant she could possibly go back too. Sadly, I needed to end that line of thinking right away.

"I'm just here until Friday."

"What day is it?" She said, looking confused.

"Monday."

"Oh, okay. I have practice today."

"You do. So get your clothes together, please?"

She was on her feet, picking up clothes without complaint, and it made me feel better than I could have imagined.

That's how low she was that picking up clothes off the floor was a feat.


It took me opening up the windows and clearing out all of the trash for the office to get back to being sanitary, at least.

All the while, Britt sat there and stared at her laptop screen. I just wanted to forget all of this and take her home, keeping her in my sight forever. This was not my Britt Britt, who was made of cotton candy and rainbows...she was long dead.

This was a shadow person who was tugging at my heartstrings just by existing. After I was done cleaning up and the sofa bed was put away, I sat there and ate my food, leaving her to continue whatever she was doing.

My stomach growled, and my head was aching a bit, but I could manage.

While I ate, I just observed Britt as she stared at that screen with tears in her eyes.

She'd click around and then go right back to staring.

Once I was finished, I tossed the trash in the rolling can and walked the stuff back to the alcove where I found them.

When I got back to the office, she had twice the amount of tears as she sat in her immaculate office that smelled a million times better than before.

I walked closer, and that's when I got a glimpse of her screen.

The sonogram picture took up have the screen, and her email took up the other half.

She'd been staring at this the whole time, and I was doing my best to be patient, but I couldn't let her torture herself, so I reached across her and closed the computer screen.

My heart nearly broke in two when she looked up at me as if I had killed the baby myself.

"B...sweetheart...you can't keep doing this. The baby is gone, but you're here...you have to stop torturing yourself."

"I wish I wasn't here." She mumbled. Her eyes stared vacantly into mine as she cried. "I can't get up the nerve to kill myself. Not after Marco and Ian, I couldn't do that to you."

"Thanks, you know I'd start to think my pussy was cursed if you did that."

And finally, she let out a chuckle.

Good.

"I stink." She said when I grabbed her hand and pulled her out of the seat.

"Then you should shower. I found some okay smelling clothes in that pile you m-made me."

"Okay, I can do that."

"Do you want me to go with you?"

She looked terrified of that option.

"No. I um...I'll just be super fast. I don't have much time before people get here anyway." She said, and I just nodded.

I grabbed some clothes and handed them to her.

"Go shower. I'm going to check on the kids."

Her eyes lit up at the thought of them. Hope springs eternal.


By the time that Ari came back, Britt was showered and showing me a dance routine on the stage.

Ari came to stand next to me and watched as Britt moved like silk.

She still had it.

"I don't know the last time I've seen her dance."

"Me either."

"How is she?"

"Broken. When is your break?"

"At noon."

"Okay, I'm going to take her clothes to the house and w-wash them, and I'll be back for lunch. Do you want me to bring you anything?"

"I don't know, are you cooking?"

"I can."

"Then whatever you make is fine with me."

"You got it...just look out for her while I'm gone. P-Promise me."

"I promise."


Wyd?-San

Studying, W is working, we were gonna head out at lunch time-Q

Okay, I'm coming home.-San

Everything okay? Need me to come to you?-Q

Nope, all good. See you soon-San

I lugged two full duffel bags back to the house with a singular focus to get back in four hours.

Despite me telling her I was fine, Q was waiting for me on the steps like I was a child.

"Make yourself useful." I grunted, and she grabbed a bag from me.

"What is all this?"

"Britt's laundry. I want to wash it while she rehearses. I'm trying to get it done by lunchtime. I'm also gonna cook. Mind going to the Bodega real quick?"

"Okay, sure...does this mean she's okay?"

I didn't say anything as I followed Q into the house.

Walker was right back on the couch, typing away on her laptop.

Quinn took the other bag from me while I rushed through the kitchen and into the laundry room.

There were two sets of footsteps behind me as I poured detergent into the machine.

I'd already separated the clothes by color back at the theater, so I really just needed to throw things in.

"San?"

"Hmm?" I said as I shook out her pants and shirts before shoving them into the washer. Her panties were all stained with old blood, and it made my stomach clench.

Was this from after?

"Santana, stop." Walker said, and I froze, dropping the rest of the light stuff into the machine before looking at the two concerned faces.

"Yeah?"

"Talk to us."

"Can I just...let me get this started, then you can b-badger me."

"Fine." Q said.

I got the machine started, and then I walked into the kitchen. They followed me, and both sat down, but I didn't bother. I didn't have time for that.

"She's worse than I thought. I think she's been thinking about d-death a lot. She says she is sticking around for m-me." I wiped at my face and could see the concern on both of them, but neither moved to hug me, thank God.

"How did you leave her?" Q asked.

"Showered, dressed, she ate, and I cleaned her office. She had clothes everywhere. I am going to m-make sure her clothes are clean. You're both looking at me like I'm f-fragile and m-maybe I am but not as much as her."

"What time is the meeting?" Walker asked.

"Six. I'll be at the theater. Come get me, okay?"

"We will." Q said.

"Okay."


It took me twenty extra minutes to convince Walker and Quinn to let me leave once the food and clothes were finished.

Which made me late.

I strolled back into the theater at 12:30 and found Britt back at her desk, in tears as she looked at the screen.

"Hey." I said, not bothering to knock.

"Hi."

"How was practice?" I asked as I put her duffel bags down next to the couch. She shrugged and went back to staring at the screen. "Can you put a show on or something?"

She looked sad but nodded, "Okay."

I walked back into the hall in search of Ari. I found her sprawled out on her couch with ice on her knees.

"Food?" I said to her, and she grinned.

"Yes, please!"

I left her food on the coffee table and then headed back to B, and thankfully, she had listened.

She'd pulled the coffee table back to the front of the couch and was putting the food on it. She'd turned her laptop around to face the couch, and the theme song of Sweet Valley High was playing.

"Nice." I said, and she smiled at me.

It was a welcome sight.

We ate in silence as we watched our former favorite show, but it wasn't comfortable, not like it used to be.

There was so much unspoken shit between us.

And we both knew it.


There was a ding noise halfway through the episode, and Britt groaned.

"I gotta go back to rehearsal. We are done early today, like two more hours...will you stay?"

"Sure, B."

"Thank you, I really needed this." She said as she stood, stretching before leaning over and kissing me.

I couldn't help but kiss her back, but then I softly pushed at her.

"Take it slow, B. Please?" I asked, and she nodded.

"Of course, sorry. I just wanted to thank you." She said, and then she shoved her feet into her beat up sneakers before disappearing out the door.

I sat there for a long time, just taking it all in before my bladder forced me off the couch.

The music was blaring throughout the theater as I pushed the bathroom door open.

I nearly threw up at the sight of blood everywhere...the floor, the shower, the toilet.

This was why she didn't want me in there.

My bladder was forgotten. I went back to the hall and got the mop and cleaning supplies.

It took me nearly two hours to clean up everything, and the tears just poured out of me.

That's how Britt found me, bent over the toilet, scrubbing it and sobbing.

Her cool hands rubbed my back, and honestly, it felt good that she was touching me again.

I flushed and moved over to the sink to wash my hands.

Britt was hovering, and then our eyes met in the mirror.

"You saw...I'm sorry."

"I should have c-come even when you told me not to."

"You had to take care of business. I'm so, so proud of you." She said and kissed my shoulder. "I don't deserve you, and I know it. Thank you for being here...I didn't realize how bad I needed you." Her arms were around my waist now, and she just held me against her too skinny body.

I looked down at her our linked hands and saw the matching tattoos.

Here I was being held by my wife, and it felt better than any touch that I had in months.


I could see the exhaustion all over her face and pulled her back to the office.

With her help, I opened the sofa bed and then pulled sheets from one of the bags.

She helped me make the bed, and then I handed her fresh clothes.

"Go shower again, then I'm going to lay here with you for a bit."

"I wish I could go with you." She admitted, and I felt anxious about it.

She was NOT ready to deal with my family.

"Maybe tomorrow...the family is coming over tonight."

"Oh...yeah, never mind." She said with a smirk. "Don't sign me up for that."

"I figured."

Once the bed was made, we put on a show, and then we laid together.

The sun was still out, but she looked like she could sleep for a whole lifetime.

"I missed you." She said as we lay facing each other.

"I missed you too, B."

"And the kids...I'm missing so much."

"Isaac is at the house with Walker and Quinn. I'll make sure to bring him when you're feeling better."

"Thank you...who's Walker?"

"She's my sober buddy."

"The old lady?"

I slapped her arm lightly.

"She's not that old, but yes...she's been holding me together...well not like THAT...just as friends."

"Good, I'm glad you have a friend."

"Me too."


We fell into silence, and then the tears came. I placed a hand on her stomach and began to pray.

"Father, please heal her. Forgive her, hold her close." I whispered.

"Thank you." She choked out and then winced when I began to rub at what felt like swelling. It had been nearly a month. There's no way she should still be feeling the effects.

"Did you take the medicine that they gave you, Britt Britt?" I whispered.

"No. I didn't deserve them."

"Honey...you have to take them for the pain to stop."

"I can't...I never filled the prescription. I w-wanted to feel everything."

"I'll do that today and bring them back in the morning, okay?"

"You're coming back?"

"Of course, baby." I said and then pulled her closer. She cried softly now, pressed securely against me. "Rest for now, okay?"

She nodded against me and then curled in tighter, holding onto me for dear life.

"Thank you."

"Always and only you, B. I'm going to stay until you fall asleep, and then I'll be back in the m-morning. Okay? Just rest."

"Okay."

She cried herself to sleep in my arms and I held her until I knew she'd be out for a while.

It was nearing six by the time I left. I kissed her face and left her with two pain pills from Ari, with a cold glass of water.

Ari promised to stay at the theater tonight to keep watch over her.

It was the only thing that could get me out the door because I was terrified that she would leave in the night.

She was in such a delicate state, and I felt nothing but sadness that she had been pushed to this point.

I would have helped her.

Even to my own detriment, and maybe that is why she didn't call.

Because even in her own pain, she was still protecting me.

I should have helped her.