A/N: A long chapter cut short because I couldn't go as dark as I needed to...not today. Take care of yourselves, my friends, love yourselves a little extra today. -NR


Somehow We Get There (Melissa Ferrick)


Santana's POV


Tuesday, October 29th, 2013

Hi Henry,

I woke up this morning feeling hungover and hallowed out. It's a feeling that's become way too prevalent. It's just so fucking heavy. That's why I'm up before the sun, sitting here in the living room while my family sleeps.

What the hell was I thinking yesterday?

Even though Britt dismissed it as a slip-up, a start to a spiral that I was somehow able to catch, it still feels like I made this foolish move.

I need to run, and I need to sort out my priorities, manage my expectations.

I've been out of rehab for three months now, but it still feels like I'm just a few days out.

My head and my heartache so much. There's got to be a way to get it together. That looming heaviness still exists. I'm just waiting for the bottom to fall out.

I'm still slipping, Henry. Even if I could detour towards a meeting, I'm still slip-sliding down.

Right now, I just want to make it through the day—one moment at a time.

-S


I was at a point where I didn't trust my instincts, and I really wanted to, so instead, I decided to lean on Walker's advice. Instead of going across the hall to drag Quinn out of bed at this hour, I walked to the bedroom and crawled into the bed, snuggling close to B.

Tears came quietly as I watched her get the sleep that she sorely needed.

"You're not a quiet crier, did you know?" She asked without opening her eyes.

"No. I'm sorry."

"It's fine. I've been half asleep since you left the bed. What do you need?"

"You...I just need you." I whispered and brushed my hand over her cheek, and then leaned in and kissed her nose, her chin, and then finally her lips. When I pulled away, those beautiful blues were looking at me.

"What do you need?"

"I need to run, but I c-can't be alone right now, B."

"Want me to get up, and put the kids in the stroller?" She stretched and then winced, "Fuck." She muttered.

"No. You need to rest...I can wake Q."

"But you don't want to." She was looking at me...through me.

"Nothing happened between us. I just...don't want her right now."

"Let's rest until the kids wake up, and then we can go to the track. Then we could go to a pumpkin patch." Even with the dark circles under her eyes, and the paleness of her skin, the excitable Britt was in there.

"Sounds good, B."

"Great, turn around, and let me hold you."

"Okay." I could hear the whine in my voice, and I hated myself for it.


Britt's flipped pancakes while I made airplane noises for Daniela.

"What's she trying today?"

"Bananas."

"Nanas!" Isaac yelled and then opened his mouth.

Britt chuckled, grabbing a banana to quickly cut up for our little dictator.

When he saw that he was getting whole pieces and Daniela was getting the baby food, he pouted.

"Stop it, eat your food." I said to him, giving him the eye, and his eyes got watery, but he ate his food without a single whimper.

I continued to feed the baby, making excited faces, and she clapped.

"Yay!" She screeched, and Britt jumped, looking over at us in shock.

"She gets that from you." I said to B, and she grinned.

"Mama's girl."

By the time we finished breakfast and cleaned up the kids, I was in a deeper funk.

"Forget the run." I muttered as I plopped down on the edge of the freshly made bed.

Britt crossed her arms over her chest, and Isaac followed suit.

Just like always.

"No, I'm getting them in that jogging stroller, and you are going to run today. I don't care if it's ten laps or for two. You need this run."

"I don't."

"You do, and if I need to call Sue, I will."

"Please don't."

"Then get your shoes on."

"Fine." I whined, and she just ignored me.


Of course, Britt was right. I lapped her a few times while she walked slowly, pushing the kids in the stroller. Every time I passed by, they would all cheer for me, and the kids would clap.

I made it six laps before my high kicked in, and then I just kept going until I felt like I couldn't go another step.

By the time I stopped next to the stroller, I felt much better.

"I'm hungry again. How about you?" B asked as she led us towards the side exit.

"I could eat."

"Do you think we should invite Walker and her son to the pumpkin patch?" She said, looking dazed.

"If you want, B. It can just be the four of us, or we can have a posse. Up to you?"

"I think I need to be surrounded by people, just in case one of them runs off, or I get sick. The more, the better."

"So who do we need to call?"

"You call Walker. I'll invite my parents and your mom."

"What about Tor...you think I should invite her?"

"Sure, it will be good to see her."

"Wait, is this like a pregame for your birthday, B?"

She grinned.

"Maybe a little."

"Then you know we have to invite our stand-in babysitter."

"Oh right, yeah, Quinn HAS to come so I can sneak off and kiss you in the corn maze." She hesitated and leaned closer to me, "That would be cool, right?"

"Hells yes. I'm your wife, B. These lips are yours to kiss whenever you want, baby." I teased, and just as we finished crossing the street, she pressed her lips to mine.

"Challenge accepted."


Kissing in the maze was a definite but not just for Britt and me.

We'd been walking through the maze for about five minutes, Isaac and Daniela having been stolen by their grandparents for photo ops. Britt kept pulling me into the cornfield and kissing my lips like it was the first time every time.

About halfway through the maze, though, I stopped short... Charlie was being pressed against a hay bale by Tor.

"Should we say something?" I whispered to B.

"Sue would want us to, but I don't think we should. Look how into it they both are."

"Yeah...I'm gonna have to break it up before a hickey develops. Sue will never let me have Tor again."

But we didn't have to make a move because Walker handled that for us.

"Excuse me, young man?! Is this how I fucking raised you?"

Charlie went still and pushed Tor back a bit, wiping his mouth and standing like a soldier as Walker approached. Britt and I still hid in the cornstalks, trying not to make a sound.

"Hi, Mom." His voice cracked.

"What did I say about kissing?"

"N-Not um...before a date and definitely not in a public place without permission from their parents."

"Did you ask her on a date?"

"No?" He looked at Tor, "Are you even allowed to date?"

"I don't know." She said.

"Would you want to?" He asked her, rubbing the back of his head as if Walker had already popped him one, something I had seen her do on countless occasions.

"I might, yeah."

He squared his shoulder and stepped closer to Walker.

"I like her, Mom. I've seen her around the school, and well...she seemed untouchable, but she's awesome! She likes video games, and she skateboards." He said, sounding excited.

"Does she actually skateboard?" Britt whispered to me.

"Not that I know of, but I bet you she'll learn."

We both chuckled.

Walker's eyes trailed towards the field, and she raised an eyebrow before throwing her arms over the kids' shoulders.

"Let's go pick a pumpkin and discuss how we are going to talk to Sue about this. Be careful about making out in public. You never know what perverts are watching."

I couldn't let that stand.

"Are you saying you want them to make out in private?" I called out, pulling Britt out of the cornfield with me.

Walker's eyes went wide, and she back peddled.

"You know what, how about we stop making out without some ground rules."

Tor was smirking through all of it. Sue had definitely had an impact on her confidence. Meanwhile, Charlie looked like he was waiting for a hole to open in the ground and swallow him.


Friday, November 1st, 2013

Good Morning Henry,

I don't even know where to begin. Britt's hot and cold act, where she made me feel secure after the pumpkin patch, and then I woke up to a cold bed and a note, just saying I NEED SPACE, has set me on edge.

But she still had a birthday dinner with her parents. Not only was I not invited, but neither were the kids, and she knows how much Isaac loves cake.

Did me letting her get close to me again make her skittish?

Either way, it's got me thinking that maybe I need some fucking space too.

All last night, I sat at the door, giving candy to trick-or-treaters with Isaac on my lap and Daniela a few feet away, watching Bubble guppies. Even Quinn had plans that she didn't tell me about.

I should not have gone to bed last night alone and in tears, but you know what? I have learned my fucking lesson.

Fuck Britt.

I AM DONE.

-S


"What did that poor journal ever do to you?" Walker's voice entered my kitchen, full of warmth and laughter. She smirked at me and then thrust a cup of Lima Bean coffee towards me as she sat. "You haven't been to a meeting...in a few days."

"I know."

"What's going on?"

I just slid the journal over to her and began to drink my coffee.

She looked at my words and then nodded in understanding.

"How'd you get in?"

"Quinn, we ran into each other at the Bean. She told me that you were crying all night and that you didn't answer when she knocked."

"Because she has a key."

"Obviously. She unlocked the door for me and then went back to her apartment."

"Some best friend she is." I muttered.

"Your best friend from what you've told me."

"When it suits her."

"I never wanted to be proved wrong more than this moment," Walker said, then she closed Henry and pushed him back towards me. "When you told me that you HAD to see her and make sure she was okay, I was justifiably concerned. Brittany is your biggest trigger, and you brought her back here."

"I know."

"And you've stopped progressing."

"I haven't."

"Come off it, Santana, you are completely off track right now."

"Maybe." She leveled a glare, and I sighed. "Fine, yes...I'm all fucked up."

"Admitting it is the first step."

"What's next?"

"Boundaries, setting, and keeping them."

"MAMI!" Isaac called through the baby monitor. "I WET!" He screamed, and then Daniela started crying.

"Fuck."

"You are in no state to look after them, are you?"

"I don't have a choice. I'm a mom."

I left Walker sitting there, feeling irritated as I walked into the nursery.

My son stood there, naked and wet.

"Where is your diaper?" I asked him, and he pointed to the floor. Sure enough, there it sat, swollen and foul smelling.

"Sorry, Papa."

"Want Dama." He said, crossing his arms over his chest, obviously annoyed right back at me. Daniela kept crying, over and over.

"MAMA MAMA MAMA MAMA." I don't know what came over me then. I left them there, and then their cries were even louder.

Walker looked at me and nodded. "I'm on it."

She left my apartment, and I could hear her knocking and talking to Quinn.

And when I saw my best friend, eyes bloodshot and red-rimmed, I know why she hadn't come in with Walker the first time.

But she was always the best Dama to the kids. She just breezed by me, still smelling like stale liquor, and went into the nursery. She came back a moment later with Daniela and shoved her in my arms.

"Feed her." Then she went back into the nursery and slammed the door closed.

I heard the crackle of the monitor and then nothing.

She'd turned it off.

"Well, then." Walker said, and I just glared at her before sitting at the table and pulling my shirt to the side for my daughter.

She gripped my boob, tears in her eyes, and began to drink from me like she hadn't eaten in an eternity.

"I need a meeting." I said to Walker, and she nodded.

"Once the kids are settled, we will get you to one."

"She should have them." I said, and Walker just nodded, not saying another word on the subject.

The companionable silence was more than enough for me as I sat there, wiping away the tears on Daniela's face.

Something had to give.


With Daniela crawling around the living room with Walker in her little gated area and Isaac glaring at me from Quinn's lap, I sat waiting for the lecture that was coming from Q. She just had a look on her face after coming into the room with Isaac.

She was fuming as she fed him, and then she kept shooting glares at me until he was done.

"How long was he in that diaper, San?" Quinn finally asked.

"Since last night."

"He's got blisters and a rash that looks painful. Have you seen it?"

"It was just a little red last night. I put the butt paste on him."

"Well, it's what, nearly noon, and this was his first change?"

"I lost track of time, I got up...showered, went for my run-" I began, and she let out a dry, humorless laugh.

"Run?"

"The complex stairs with the monitor, they were fine."

"You didn't think to check on them?"

"Of course, I peeked in."

"You need a break, San. She's seven miles away, hanging out with her parents...she should have at least one of them."

"How do you know what she's doing?"

"Where did you think I was last night? There was a whole Halloween birthday bash, Mike came from Chicago and a few Cheerios too."

"So, fuck me, then?! Fuck the mother of her children. Fuck the woman she claims to love. Fuck me." I snapped.

"Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!" Isaac said, and I groaned.

Quinn put her hands over his ears.

"Look, I went on your fucking behalf, and I stayed and kept her from killing herself. So, don't start getting self-deprecating." She dropped her hands from Isaac's head, and he grabbed her wrists to put her hands back. He was so silly sometimes. So she did. She kept covering and uncovering his ears to his utter delight.

"She tried to do it?"

"She was drunk and wanted to drive here. She was in no state. So I babysat her all night, then I came home...to you...like this. You two have got to get your stuff together. Everyone around you is tired. In or out with her. Please, I am begging you, Santana."

I rubbed my palms together and then tucked them under my armpits, but Quinn had already seen.

She just shook her head.

"No."

"What?"

"You didn't."

"Didn't what?"

"Stop being weird."

"What did you do, San?"

"I don't know what you mean. Stop." I growled, and then Quinn was handing Isaac to Walker and yanking me from the couch. She gripped my arms, just tight enough to scare me but not hard enough to bruise. "Q...stop. Please?" I was crying now.

"What did you use?" She said, her eyes searching mine.

"Stop, it...please?"

"Did she leave something here?" Then she was marching to my bedroom. I didn't dare look back at Walker as I ran after Quinn. I threw my body in front of hers, blocking my door. "Santana, you need to fucking move. NOW." She was doing everything that she could not scream at me.

"MAMA!" I heard Isaac scream excitedly.

Fuck Britt for her timing.

"What's going on?" Britt said, and then I heard Walker's voice...then footsteps...more than just Britt's.

FUCK.


I stared past Q and straight at B. She tilted her head and stared me down, she was reading me, and I opened myself to her.

Even when I was mad, I couldn't close myself down, no matter how bad I wanted to.

"Quinnie, can you show my dad that leak in your apartment. Let me talk to my wife alone, please?"

Q looked from me to Britt and threw up her hands.

"Fine, I don't know why I thought coming home to be with my two best friends would be less stressful than being at Columbia. Damn."

Britt waited for Quinn and Rob to walk away before she stepped into my personal space. I was still blocking the door as I looked up at her.

"Hey." She said.

"Hi."

"You didn't get high. Why didn't you let her in?" I shook my head and looked away from her. Britt's fingers lifted my chin, and she stepped in closer. "Let me in. Please?"

"Why did you leave?" I asked, not wanting her to cross the threshold with me.

"I'm falling for you again, and I'm so broken...I just...I felt myself sinking deeper into myself, so I went home...being with my parents helped."

"You could have told me."

"I did. I said that I needed space."

"Yes, but we have k-kids, B. Space doesn't exist. It can't. Not really."

"Quinn reminded me of that last night. She went on and on about how I could have at least taken Izzy off your hands."

"That would have been nice. Happy Birthday, by the way."

"Oh, right. Thanks."

"If I let you in...I need you to understand something."

"What?"

"I didn't do it."

"I know that."

"But I did something."

"Okay."

I stepped away from the door, and she walked inside.

It was embarrassing, really, but if I could be open with B...she'd vouch for me.


Britt didn't say a word about the tornado of shit in the room.

Instead, she went to the kitchen, grabbed a trash bag, and began shoveling the empty bags of chips and food containers into it.

She kept glancing at me as I stood next to the doorway, not moving.

I was waiting, and then she opened the door to my nightstand and found the motherlode.

She pulled out about six empty wine bottles and left them on top of the nightstand.

"How long did it take you to drink those?" She asked me, and I shrugged.

"A few months, usually just something to take the edge off at night."

"Aren't you supposed to be sober?"

"I am. I h-haven't touched drugs. It's just...Walker is an al-alcoholic...I can't just have that stuff hanging around." I whispered.

"And how long have you been binge eating?"

"Uh...th-this week."

"But no coke or pills?" She was rereading my face.

"I swear on everything, B. No drugs."

"I need you to not drink when you have the kids alone, baby. Anything could happen. I know you are stressed, but...hold on, you've only been back in this apartment for a week." She looked back at the wine bottles.

"Some of them are d-dusty from before I went to your mom's. I've only had like two this week...maybe three."

"Is it because of me...all of this?"

I shrugged.

She left the bag and came back over to me, her body pressed against mine as she brushed her thumbs over my collarbone.

It gave me chills and not in a good way, so I reached up and held onto her wrists.

"Right...sorry." She said, looking at me sadly.

"I'm sorry too."


You know those moments in movies where two almost lovers nearly kiss only for someone to interrupt them?

Well, that happened. I was seconds from kissing Britt when there was a knock on the doorframe.

"I'm gonna get going." Walker said, and I pulled away from B and tried to block the room entrance, but Walker was already looking past me. "I need to go. I think that maybe you should call your sponsor, Santana."

Walker didn't look sad or disappointed. Instead, she just looked concerned.

"Wait, will I see you later?"

"Maybe, Heather is home for the next little while. I'm not sure what my schedule will look like, but if you need me, call or, you know, schedule time with my assistant." She glanced again, and then her eyes were burning into Britt's. "If you love her, the way that you say you do, give her what she deserves, or leave her alone. This back and forth is going to kill her, literally. Quinn has the kids. See ya later."

And then she was gone, and Britt was taking a step back.

"She's right. While I was gone, I talked to August and Frank. Production is on hold. We are trying to get new financial backers. So I will be here for a while. We can go back to shared custody if you want?"

"Where will you stay?"

"Across the hall...Quinn is leaving on Sunday...that way I can be close by, but you can still live your life."

"Yeah, okay. We can do that."

"Good. Let me take you to a meeting."

"No, I can...go alone."

"But you don't have to. It's always good for me to remember what you are fighting for. Especially now when my world is so dark, maybe hearing other people talk will help me too."

"Okay, B."

"Can I trust that you will stop drinking and binging, or do you need professional help?" It was like sad, grieving Britt had taken a step back, and my wife was in the forefront, questioning me with conviction in her eyes. "I won't be mad. Just be honest with me."

"I've t-told you over and over, all I really need is you."

"And you'll have me as a co-parent and your partner. Right now, that's all I can handle."

"I think the same goes for me." I admitted, and then I brushed her hair from her face, trying my best to smile at her. "Will you tell me when you're ready to start working towards more?"

"Of course, I'm going to kiss you now because you look like you need it. Is that okay?"

"Hard, B...I need it hard." I said, feeling desperate for her.

"Wanky." She grinned, and then she was kissing me like our lives depended on it.

I moaned as she pressed me back against the wall.

This was all I wanted...just her.


Saturday, November 2, 2013

Hi,

So, that didn't last long. I held her all night long, and I woke up to an empty bed, again. Why do I keep doing this to myself, Henry? I checked on the kids, remembering how angry Quinn was with me, and the kids are gone too.

Maybe Britt thinks this is what I needed but fuck her for not thinking that I'd want a say in her taking them.

I need to manage my expectations, but it's almost impossible to do with Britt. I'm so fucking tired.

And you just know I've already had a drink. It's 7am, and I'm fucking drinking because of Brittany S. Pierce. God help me.

There comes a time when you have to save yourself. I know that now. I had planned a surprise for Britt tonight. All of our glee and Cheerio friends joined together at Mami's house.

An old school party is planned for tonight, and I don't want to go. I want no parts.

But for her, I will.

I won't do drugs.

I won't do drugs.

I won't do drugs.

That's all that's going through my mind, Henry.

Am I screwed?

I haven't wanted to bother Walker now that Heather is home, but I might have to.

No worries though, I'll be calling CiCi after I finish writing this.

I know that I'm slipping, and I don't want to.

Fuck.

I won't do drugs.

-S


Brittany's POV


"Are you done? I need to get back home. She's going to wake up and think I left her."

"You can't rush your body, Brittany. Did you leave her a note?"

"No, I thought I'd be done by now."

I hadn't thought this through. All week I've been studying and researching. I've been doing what Dr. Ramirez had said and taking medication. I'd waited too long, screwed myself over, and now I was forced to do things that I was too young for.

She finished my vitals and then hooked another yellow bag up on the IV pole.

"You will need your strength. So, once this bag is finished, you'll be free to go once your ride gets here."

"I can walk."

"You can't...if you don't have someone, I won't discharge you. Plain and simple."

"Fine. Can you hand me my phone?"

She handed me my phone and then left to check on another patient.

I was cold in my gown and just wanted to curl back up with her.

My phone screen had a dozen messages on it, but only the single one from her mattered.

Fuck you.-Ana

I tried calling her right then, but I was forwarded to her voicemail.

So, the next best thing would have to do.

"Hey, B. Where are you?"

"Are you alone?"

"No, she's out in the kitchen bitching about you leaving her alone with no note and taking the kids."

"They're with her mom. She came and got them last night after Ana was already asleep. She's been so wound up that I didn't bother waking her."

"She showed up here smelling of wine and stumbling, B. I don't know what kind of fucked up limbo you two are in, but I think you should come back to the city with me. Everyone says that she was her best self before we got here. We are fucking up her progress."

"I don't want to go back. My family is here."

Quinn got quiet, and then she said lowly.

"Are those machines beeping? Where are you?"

"At the hospital. I had an appointment that I couldn't miss. Now, I can't leave unless I have a ride. Can you come get me?"

"Of course."

"Don't bring her."

"I'm not leaving her alone, B. Call your parents."

"No! I can't do that. You're the only other person that I trust."

"Fine, but I'm bringing Santana. Maybe she'll fucking relax when she sees you were at the doctor."

"Perfect...come to Dr. Ramirez's office. Okay?"

"Okay."


Quinn had been right, they showed up, and Ana was her best self, even if she was sobering up.

She hugged me tight, pushing Quinn out of the way in the process.

"I'm sorry for being an ass."

"Never apologize for having a great ass, baby." I said and then kissed her neck, chin, and face until she giggled like the kids.

"Mami texted a picture with the kids."

"Yeah?"

"Dr. Ramirez refuses to tell me why you're here but insists that you need rest. Mami has the kids until tomorrow. Do you want to go home and have a veg day?"

"Please?"

"You got it, babe."

"Is my job done for now? Mind if I go run some errands after I drop you two off?" Q asked as we made our way out to the car.

"And what will we drive if we need to?" Ana asked her.

"Uh, the pickup."

"The deathtrap, you mean?" Ana said, and I rolled my eyes.

"It's not a deathtrap."

We bantered back and forth all the way to the apartment.

When we pulled in, there stood a girl...tall and beautiful, in scrubs playing on her phone.

"Shit." Ana muttered, "You can't let me have my phone when I'm emotional."

"Then you'd never have a phone." Q muttered, obviously over my wife's antics.

"Is she here for you?" I asked Ana. "Is that the chick who banged you?"

"Yes." Ana squeaked.

"She's hot." I said, and she groaned.

"And crazy."

"Well, then you met your match." Q said, and Ana punched her arm. "Ow! Fuck, that hurt."

"Don't be rude, Fabray."


My wife looked like she would piss herself, so I got out of the back and pulled her door open. She looked at me and shook her head.

"Please, don't, B."

"Trust me."

She looked past me and then up at me, nodding. I held out my hand and waited for her to take it.

When she did, I helped her out and then pushed the car door shut. I pulled her against me and kissed her with every bit of energy and passion that I possessed.

The taste of wine and a cigar invaded my senses, making my stomach turn, but I didn't stop kissing her. She held tight to me and only pulled back to take a breath.

"What was that for?" She panted.

"Mine." I growled low, nipping her lower lip. She nodded, looking up at me, dazed.

"Yours." She whispered.

I kissed her again and again until my legs hurt from the energy it took to stand for so long. The local anesthesia was wearing off.

"I get it...can you just stop fucking calling me." The chick said to my wife before brushing past us and heading to her car. I made a mental note of what it looked like and then rested my lips against her forehead. Kissing her a few times before pulling back.

"I'm too heavy for you to carry." I reminded Ana, forgetting that she wasn't in my head.

"Huh?"

"I'm gonna-" The world turned, and I dropped like a stone to my knees, feeling extra cold and weak.

Thankfully Quinn hadn't pulled off yet, and even with her bad leg, she was still an ex-head Cheerio with superhuman strength.

She rushed out of the car and scooped me up like I was Izzy.

When she carried me bridal style into the apartment, my loopiness made me flirt. "Wanky, Quinnie, Ana hasn't even carried me like her bride."

"Shut up, would you. Couch or bed?"

"Couch." Ana said before she finished asking. Which meant the room was probably a mess again. I had taken all the wine the night before threw it out, which also mean that she had a stash somewhere. When I was able to keep my eyes open, we would have a serious talk about it.

The last thing she wants is to become her father, and I won't let that happen, so help me, God.