Keep Your Eyes Open (NEEDTOBREATHE)


Santana's POV


Britt's legs curled around mine as I sat in bed and wrote out the song that had suddenly come to me. She was finally asleep, mumbling unintelligible words, and whimpering.

Every time she cried out, I would touch her arm, and she'd relax.

It felt like I was sitting vigil while I wrote down the song that had come to me in my brief sleep.

The same line kept replaying in my mind, and I knew that I needed to write it down.

Let me be your steps, let me be your truth, let me be the one you call when you can hardly make it through...

The pain

The hurt

The hysteria

And the fear

Let me show you all the ways that I can catch your tears

I didn't have a melody yet...just those words plaguing me.

"Baby?" Britt muttered, and I looked over at her. She looked so pale in the moonlight.

"Yes, my love?" I brushed the hair from her face and leaned in, kissing her face. Her skin was burning up. I pressed my face against her forehead again. She was nearly scalding. "Christ, you definitely have a fever."

"I'm cold...and everything hurts."

I threw my journal to the side and rooted around in my nightstand for the thermometer. I traced it across her forehead and then waited for the reading.

"103. I'm calling Dr. Ramirez."


Getting Britt down to the car and wrapped in my robe, and wearing my slippers, was probably the hardest part. She was slow-moving, sweaty, and leaning on me.

"I th-think I overdid it yes-yesterday."

"Me too. Just take your time. Dr. Ramirez will be waiting for us."

"Okay."

Once I got her strapped in, I texted her mom.

Taking B back to the hospital. I'll keep you updated.-Santana

This time, Dr. Ramirez moved much faster. She got Britt through triage and into a room within the span of 30 minutes. I sat by her side as she lay underneath three heated blankets.

When they came to take her to get tests done, she began to cry.

"I need her w-with me! Please!" She begged.

Dr. Ramirez shook her head.

"I'm sorry, Brittany, Santana has to stay here. She'll be here when we get back, won't you, Santana?"

"I'll be right here, B. I promise Dr. Ramirez will be with you."

"I sure will be."

Britt held her arms open for me. I fell into them, kissing her face a million times before she finally let out a breathy sigh.

"Okay, I'm ready."

I fell asleep on the couch, wrapped in my robe that smelled like Britt.

When I woke up again, it wasn't to Britt being back in the room. It was to Susan hovering over Britt's empty bed crying.

I jerked up, freaked out that I had missed something.

"What's going on?" I had fallen asleep when it was dark out. Now it was clear from the hustle and bustle in the hall, the bright sun in coming into the room, and my body feeling rested that showed me that I had been asleep for way longer than I had hoped.

When Susan turned to me, her face red and swollen, she gave me a sad smile.

"Oh, Santana." She said, and then she was wrapping me in a hug.

"You're freaking me out...where's B?" Surely she should have been back by now.

"She wanted to wait for you to wake up, but...her body...she couldn't wait any longer."

"Where is she?"

"They rushed her to emergency surgery, the adhesions were close to rupturing...you saved her life by bringing her straight here." She hugged me again, this time tighter as she rocked me.

"Are they...is she...um...you know?" I was at a loss for words.

"The hysterectomy, yes."

"Oh, God. Why didn't you wake me up?" I snapped.

"She insisted that we don't. I couldn't argue."

"How long has she been gone?"

"Twenty minutes. She wanted you to go check on the kids and said that you need to go to a meeting."

I nodded. Britt knew me well. I needed to be occupied. Otherwise, I would pace this room until she was out of recovery. I'd make myself sick over things, and that was the last thing that I needed to be doing.


When I got to the house, Mami was at the table with Pa, and my sweet babies were sitting in matching high chairs.

"Babies!" I shrieked, and Isaac's face lit up. He was so surprised.

"MAMI!"

Seeing them made everything hurt a little less and a little more at the same time.

I hoped to God that this surgery didn't make Britt pull away from the kids anymore than she already had.

Mami was glaring at me as I unstrapped Daniela first from her high chair, then balanced her on my hip, and then I picked up Isaac and put him on my other hip. They hugged me, and I dropped kisses on their little heads.

"Really, Nanita, you couldn't let them eat?"

"I need to get back to Brittany. I just needed to see them. Did you talk to Susan?" I asked, and she nodded.

"I did. She already asked me if I would sit down with Brittany when she's ready since I went through this in my 20s too."

"Right." I kissed the kids more and then danced around with them.

"Santana, don't spin them or-" Before she could finish, Isaac was throwing up down the front of my shirt. Then in typical fashion, he got embarrassed, threw his head back, and began to bellow.

"Crap."

At the same time, my phone was ringing, and I just knew it was Susan.

"Answer your phone, it's fine. Hand him here." Mami took Isaac from me. I put Daniela back in her chair and then kissed her face. It was amazing to see how quickly Mami had gotten my son to calm down. She was magic.

I rushed upstairs to find something in my dresser, but everything was packed in boxes and covered in dust covers when I got to my room.

Then I went to the guest room, which was thankfully not emptied out yet. I found one of Britt's old shirts and sniffed it.

Home.

That's what she smelled like still.

Our home in New York, and for the first time, I felt homesick for the city.

We'd have to go back after Britt was feeling better. It was time to take my life off of pause.

I cleaned up in the bathroom before pulling Britt's old Cheerio shirt over my head. Then I remembered she'd gone to the hospital in a robe, so I scrounged around the drawers until I was able to piece together an outfit for her too.

My phone buzzed again. I pulled it from my pocket expected it to be Susan, but not even the missed call was from Susan. Both were from Quinn.

"Yo." I said as I fixed my hair in the mirror.

"Hey, do you have a minute?"

"Of course, I've been meaning to call you after leaving you hanging on Sunday."

"You've been busy, really, it's no big deal."

"What's up?"

"Are you keeping the house in midtown? Rob mentioned to me that you were giving it to your mom, is that right?"

"It's Isaac's house. So it will always kinda be mine until he's old enough to take it over. Mami is moving in, and I plan to move out. Why?"

"I know you gave me a scholarship, and I'm grateful. I won't ask you for more money, but I do need an address. I applied for an internship for next semester, and I need New York residence and dorms don't count."

"Okay, that's fine...you can always use my address, Q."

"Are you sure?"

"Of course, you know it's nothing but a word when it comes to you."

"Aww, thanks!"

"Anytime. Are we good?"

"Are you?"

"No, I spent all night in the hospital with B. She's in surgery, and I'm at Mami's checking in on the kids."

"Shit, is she...you know?" I hesitated, not remembering having a conversation with her about Britt's condition, at least not something as serious as a hysterectomy, but she seemed to know.

"Wait...how did you know about this?"

"Britt called me last night while you were in the shower and told me everything. She asked for advice on how to talk you into not talking her out of it."

"I wouldn't-" I stopped because that's not true. I would have wanted her to find a way, some alternative therapy.

"You would. How did she get around you?"

"She waited until I was asleep."

"That's fucked up...unless...did something happen?"

"She woke up with a high fever, I took her in, and things were worse than when she left the hospital the first time."

"Wow."

"Susan says she was starting to hemorrhage. It was a split decision, and they didn't wake me for it, but you know, I'm kind of relieved. Britt's gonna get down on herself, and if I had helped her make this decision, she would have blamed me."

"I hate to say it, but you're right."

"But what's done is done. It was necessary. She could have died if I didn't take her in if I hadn't moved so fast. I think the fact that she already has her frozen eggs made it easier. She decided that this was the better option. She knows that she has my full support."

"Did you offer womb?"

"Of course, I did."

"What if you break up, San?"

"I don't care. I'd do this for her, for you, shit, I'd even do it for Sue, if she asked. Even though her eggs are definitely dusty by now."

We both laughed, and it felt good to just joke with Q. I'd squandered that chance to hang out with her when she was here.

"So, have you started looking at places here?"

"No, but I definitely would do things differently. Like, Marco had the right idea about a penthouse. When I was learning to walk again, the steps were just a nuisance."

"That would be amazing. You deserve to live somewhere fancy."

"I couldn't agree more." My phone beeped just then. I pulled it away from my face and saw Susan's name. "Q, I gotta go, it's Susan."

"Okay, give my love to B!"

"You got it."


"Hi, Mom, how is she?"

"There was a complication in the surgery. The infection was worse than we thought. They just came to give us an update. It will be another hour at least."

"Oh wow. Did they do it already?"

I couldn't bring myself to say the word hysterectomy even though that's exactly what this was, whether I liked it or not.

"They tried to do it with the lasers, but because of the complication with the adhesions and fibroids, they had to do it vaginally."

"Shit...uh...I'm going to go to a meeting. I can go to your house after and get you a change of clothes, maybe feed Tubs?"

"Oh yes! That would be great. Rob and I are in our work clothes, we thought we check in today and then go to work, but then things got bigger than any of us."

"Whatever you need, Mom. I've got you."

"AFTER your meeting, can you grab a few things? I'll text you a list. Feed tubs too. You don't need to change his litter. Rob always does that. Go into Britt's closet and grab her Mr. Fluffington McQuakers. Court gave it to her, and anytime Britt's been sick, she's cuddled it. She needs it today."

"I haven't seen that duck in ages."

"She put him away when you started getting serious. She thought she was too old."

"Well, she's not. Send me the list. I'm going to grab the stuff first, then go to my meeting. That way, I can grab you coffee and food from the Lima Bean. It's closer to the hospital than your house."

"Okay, just as long as you go to a meeting."

"You got it."

I shoved a change of clothes into the duffel bag, along with Britt's comfy breakfast shirt and some slipper socks, before heading back downstairs.

Mami met me at the bottom of the stairs.

"You're leaving?"

"I am. Britt's still in surgery, and I'd like to be there when she wakes up. I need to get to Susan's to get some stuff, and then I'm heading back to the hospital."

"No meeting?"

"Right, meeting after Susan's...then the hospital. She insisted too. I really appreciate the accountability." I said, meaning it more than I thought I would.

"We all want your success, mi'ja, which is why I think it would be best if you brought Brittany back here to heal surrounded by her family. Susan and Rob should stay as well."

"Why here, though?"

"Steps. There are two sets to get to her parents' front door, and there is that long flight to get to your apartment. If everyone stays here, then they can help with the kids and Brittany. It will give you breathing room to focus on recovery and being a good mom."

"Really? You'd do that for me? You're supposed to be gearing up to move. I saw you boxed up my room."

"We will get a bed set up in the den for Brittany. You can sleep on the pull-out, wouldn't want you to accidentally kick her in your sleep. I can put Rob and Susan in the guest room, and my nietos can continue to stay in my bedroom."

"Is Pa going to be okay with that?"

"I don't care, this isn't his house, it's ours...yours and mine. You are gracious enough to give up your amazing house in the city. The least he can do is to help me host our extended family for a few weeks."

"I'll talk to them, I can't force them like you could, but I'll insist...are you hoping they'll help pack up...you can tell me?"

She shrugged with a guilty amused look on her face, "If the extra hands just so happen to help pack up the rest of this mini-mansion that was always too big for the three of us, who am I to argue?"

"Oh, Mami, never change."

I threw my arm around her and planted a sloppy kiss on her cheek.

With one last kissing session with my preoccupied babies, I rushed out of the house, wishing that I could just lay on the floor with them and watch cartoons.

I promised myself that Britt and I would do a better job putting the kids first no matter what happened next.

They were growing fast, and I felt like I was missing things.

But I had to accept help while I still could, especially now.

This was how I managed my expectations by creating reasonable guides to control and prepare for the unpredictable stuff like Britt coming back from New York in terrible health and needing to nurse her back to health.

At a different time in my life, I would be snorting a brick of coke right now, but I didn't have time for that foolishness.

I had more important shit to do.


The Pierce house usually smelled like baked goods. No matter what time of day it was, the place smelled like a bakery. I learned early on that Susan and Rob baked when they were stressed.

That day though, it smelled like rotten trash and stale bread.

I caught Tubbs in mid yowl when I stepped into the kitchen.

There was food left on the counters, and the trash smelled to the high heavens.

Obviously, they had attempted to make breakfast but then left out all of the food, and they hadn't gotten around to taking out the trash.

Or maybe they were nose blind?

So, even though Susan would be annoyed that I was touching shit in her kitchen, a pet peeve of hers, I cleaned up. I even took out the trash before heading upstairs to rifle through drawers and get the duck.

Tubbs followed me, meowing the whole way, but I knew that I had to feed him last because if history proved true, he'd rush through the bowl and beg for more before I left. Britt had never caught onto his game, which was why he was super fat.

I, however, was slicker than him. So, I ignored him while I grabbed everything off of Susan's list.

My eyes were watering, and I kept sneezing. My allergies were extra aggravated with the cat following me around and rubbing against my legs.

It was my love for Britt that kept this cat alive because my first instinct was to high kick his fat ass out of a window.

Knowing him, though, he'd bounce on all that blubber and live.

I ended up gathering the final stuff with my shirt pulled up over my nose, but it was too late. The cat had gotten to me.

Deep down, I knew that I should have waited to get to the hospital so I could just bug Dr. Ramirez, or I could have stopped back at Mami's. Instead, I went rifling through the medicine cabinet looking for an allergy pill.

All that was there were painkillers...the kind I have crushed up and snorted.

Immediately, I closed the door and just stole some tissue to blow my nose.

This would not be how I held it together.

Tubbs yowled really loud and threw himself against my feet. It was a good enough distraction to get me out of that bathroom and down the stairs, far away from the drugs that would make me feel momentarily on top of the world.

When I lived there, those drugs hadn't been out in the open but now that I was gone...not even a full week later, they were out, exposed.

Susan hadn't thought it through when she let me be here alone...or maybe she did, and that's why she wanted me to go to the meeting first.

There was no skipping that now. The very urge had scared me. I had worked too hard to give in.

As I made my way into the kitchen, Tubbs sounded more and more like he was in pain.

"What a drama queen."

He glared at me.

Finally, just before I left, I filled up Tubbs' bowls. I was itching to go back upstairs, but instead, I forced myself to leave.

Cleaning had set me back so that I had missed half of a meeting by the time I actually made it to the church. I didn't have the luxury of waiting three hours for the next one, so even though it was frowned upon, I went to the meeting anyway.


Walker hadn't been at the meeting, which wasn't unusual, but I hoped that she would be.

I was worried about her, after just a few interactions with Heather, I was not a fan. Walker was this kick-ass, take no shit type of woman, and I admired the fuck out of her.

To see someone come in and make her feel less than, was so fucking shitty.

She was a great businesswoman and an amazing mom. Charlie was always taken care of. She was honest with him about everything, which meant that he wasn't afraid to tell her things.

I hoped that I could be that way with my kids.

The meeting, though, was about me and my recovery. Even though I only got to sit there for 30 minutes, I felt calmer and more focused than ever.

I had so many things that I needed to tackle, a new home in New York, my businesses here, my recovery, and most importantly, my kids. Even though that might seem daunting, I felt assured in the fact that I could handle it.

Each day that I was sober was another day to live my life to the fullest.

Walker had taught me that.

Doc had taught me that.

And CiCi wasn't so bad either, even if she had become busier since she started school back up.

I sat in my car, checking off my list of stuff, when another text came in.

She's almost out of OR. They had to cut her open. Once they are done closing her up, another hour before she comes back to the room. How are things?-Susan

Got stuff from the house. Fed cat. Just finished meeting. Going to Lima Bean, want anything?-Santana

Coffee!-Susan

Send your orders, I'll go now then come to you.-Santana

You're a saint!-Susan

I love you, send your orders-Santana


With my eyes trained on my phone, I stood in line at the Lima Bean and scrolled through socials.

But then I heard a commotion coming from the back.

"No, don't you dare come into MY establishment and act that way. I don't care who you are. This one is mine alone. That was the deal after Emmy left!"

It was a weekday afternoon before school let out, so there were only two people ahead of me in line and no one behind me.

Walker would never want to make her customers uncomfortable, but from the looks of it, she didn't have a choice.

The commotion had died down, but then I heard Walker again, "I'm still sober! How could you listen to her over me? Pop, say something!"

I got to the front, and Dave stood there looking anxious.

"Hey." I said. "All good?"

When he saw it was me, he looked relieved.

"We don't like each other most of the time, but you're her friend, and she's a damn good boss. Her family came in here, accusing her of all sorts of stuff and ordering me around. I'm just trying to do my job."

"I know. I've never heard her this upset."

"Me either. I've shut that door twice, but her wife keeps opening it."

"You still the manager?"

"Yeah?"

"I think you need to close until that dies down."

He hesitated and then gave me the keys.

"Flip the sign. Lock the door while I close up the seating area."

I nodded and watched as he put a partition across the empty seating area, then handed a coupon to each of the people who looked annoyed that they'd have to find another place to write their fanfiction.

Once they left, I locked the door and flipped the sign before handing Dave the keys.

I slid my phone towards him, "Can you make these orders and my usual while I go see if I can diffuse this?"

"Sure." He copied down the orders and slid my phone back.

"Thanks."

"You're okay, Lopez."

"I know."


They were having a tense conversation when I walked into the office. Walker was standing behind her desk, against the wall, looking a mess. Her eyes were bloodshot, and her nose was red.

"Hey...you good?" I asked, ignoring the other three people in the room.

I expected her to scold me for interrupting or ask me to leave her office, but instead, I could see an idea forming.

"You got my message, I see." I resisted the urge to check my phone. "Are you here to agree to terms?"

Being a student of Sue's brand of doublespeak had taught me to just go with whatever a conversation was, which helped me roll with Walker's line of questioning.

"Possibly, should I come back another time?"

She looked to Heather and said, coldly, "You need to leave so we can discuss business."

"With your mistress?" Heather said, and I rolled my eyes.

Walker looked at her sister and father, "She is not my mistress. I can clue you in on the logistics, but I refuse to discuss it in front of the woman divorcing me. I am aware that she has convinced you that I am drinking again and somehow squandering our money. I've shown you the books, and as you can see, I'm sober. Talk to her, P. She's your friend."

"My friend that you married, Walker." Her sister sounded annoyed, but then she turned towards Heather, "Can you give us a minute? We can't get to the bottom of this if you're here to distract her." Heather deflated, feeling like she had an ally.

"Okay, I'm trusting you, Parker, don't let her mistress box me out."

"Of course not. Go...I've got this."

They talked as if Walker wasn't standing right there, and the dad was no help, but Parker got Heather to leave, nonetheless.

Once Heather was gone, the mood shifted as Parker broke into a smile.

"I have to admit that when Heather came to us and complained about you drinking away the Lima Bean and that you had a mistress, I thought things were like they used to be."

"And now?"

"You're just as sober as you have been since I was still in high school. If you had just said it was Santana Lopez, I would have known from the jump that she wasn't your mistress."

"Wait, do I know you?" I cut in, and Parker shook her head.

"No, but I know you. I clerked for your mom straight out of law school, and I was frenemies with Frannie Fabray up until she left for California and became a baby factory."

"Ha!" I cackled, "Quinn's going to get a kick out of that."

"That being said, what's this about terms?"

"After Emerson gave up her share of the Beans and we opened up the shop in Sidney, our profits have doubled. With my divorce pending, anything that I own is half Heather's. You have been asking me to offload the business since your practice took off. Santana is going into property management. I was thinking of selling the franchise to her for 2.5 million, which is our current worth, dollar for dollar."

"That's not an even breakdown. We agreed that if we sold, Emmy still gets an equal share." Then Parker was looking at me. "Would you be willing to pay 3?"

I shrugged, I had money sitting, disposable after creating a trust for Tor. With the profits from my businesses this last month, I had money to spend.

"On two conditions." They were all looking at me with rapt attention. My phone buzzed in my pocket. I pulled it out, and Walker let out a huff about it. "Britt's in the hospital, she's just out of surgery, so I have to make this quick." I muttered.

When I looked back up at them, they all seemed to be understanding.

"Tell us the conditions so that Parker can write up a quick terms agreement for us to sign."

"Okay, my two conditions, Walker stays on to manage the company and provide oversight, since I plan to move back to New York by the end of the year. Second, Walker takes part of her share and puts it in a trust for Charlie immediately so that he is taken care of in all of this. If you can agree to that, I'll have Sal draw up the papers, and we can close on this by the end of the week."

"I think that's fair." Parker said to Walker. "Although, we do have an Ohio trademark on the Bean name...the Kidney bean being the exception, I couldn't bring myself to sue them. We'll retain that." She smirked. "What do you think, sis?"

"It works for me, P, write it up so she can sign."

Parker looked to their dad, and he looked at me with a shine in his eyes.

"Pop, are you okay?" Parker asked.

"I am. I mentored her father when he was a resident. He talked about his daughters constantly. The one he was most proud of was his baby girl, Santana. It's good to know that our family company is going to be in good hands."

"You knew my father?"

"I did, very well. It broke my heart when he passed. We'd spoken the week before. He told me you had your struggles and how the two of you had reconciled. He loved you fiercely, and I hope that you know that Aden would be incredibly proud of his baby girl."

"I hope so."


Dr. Bean stood up and held his arms open.

"Mind if I hug you?"

Something told me that he needed the hug more than I did, and even though we had just met, when he hugged me, I felt like I was hugging my father.

I pulled away before I could tear up.

"Thank you, Dr. Bean." I said, and he grinned.

"Anytime."

Parker wrote up a simple agreement, then made three copies that we all signed. She said she'd draw up an official contract and send it over to Sal for me to sign.

When all was said and done, I felt like God had put me right where I needed to be that day. Just an hour before, I had been staring down pills that could end my sobriety. Now I was gratefully sober and more established in my endeavors.

Taking over Walker's company at a steal because I was sure it was worth more was genius, especially since she'd still get a salary.

Her father and sister left us to talk, I stood across from her, and she grinned.

"Just so you know, I still plan to be the boss."

"I won't overstep, Walker. I trust you to handle things here. You'll have Rob for support, and Sal is on retainer."

"Thanks for doing this and for trusting me when I threw you in the deep end just now."

"I nearly slipped today, I fought it, I went to a meeting, and then I came here. None of this feels random. I went with my gut. I trust you not to steer me wrong."

"You trust me?"

"Of course, I do. I have faith in you. I know that you want to spend more time with Charlie. Make sure you do that and send Rob on the road. He needs to be busy, and now, with his only remaining child in the hospital, he's going to need the distraction."

"Is she okay?"

"No, and I wish I had more time to process this with you and for you to process your shit with me, but I need to get back."

"I understand. Go, take care of her and yourself."

"I will. You do the same."

We fist-bumped, and then I grabbed my coffee from Karofsky and handed him a 100 bill for his troubles.

"Seriously?"

"You deserve it. Life is too short, Dave. It's time for us to grow up and move on."

"It is."

"By the way, I'm your boss now." I winked, and he went pale.

"Seriously?" He said.

"Well, soon enough...don't worry, I take care of my workers." I said, and he grinned.

"So Z says." He put out a hand for me to shake, and I shook it. "I look forward to doing business with you."

"I look forward to chatting about the requirements of management positions." He looked nervous. "Relax, I believe in leaving things and people better than I found them. I owe you that, after...high school. Even if you were a dick to Ian."

My phone buzzed, and I left my conversation with Dave where it was. There was nothing more to say.

I saw the Beans family huddled up with Heather, talking her down from rage, and I rolled my eyes as I answered my phone.

"I'm on my way!" I said to Susan.

"Good because she's back, and she's awake asking for you. I told her you went to check on the kids...just drive safely."

"I will."


Surprisingly, as I drove the half-mile to the hospital, I didn't feel anxious. I felt settled and calm.

Britt needed me more than ever, and I knew that I needed her to need me.

Our life hadn't been easy thus far, but I knew that if I took the reins for a while and let her feel like she had permission to break, we could be better.

I had to be strong for her mentally, emotionally, and financially.

The move I had just made in purchasing the Beans assured me that my shit was together enough to help her.

I wasn't craving anything anymore. I felt hyper-focused and knew that as long as I continued my routines, I'd be able to take care of business. I wasn't unsure of my place in her life and her place in mine.

Even if she was.

It's amazing how things will come along and open your eyes.

Our whole relationship had been a series of games and maneuvers to try and control the other person.

We had lost the ability to just love each other so long ago that we were just going through the motions at this point.

That was going to change.

It had to.

We had suddenly been completely thrust into adulthood, and for the first time, I felt like I was up for the challenge.


Ten Days Later


Britt woke up without me. By the time I got there, she was in a rage.

It was so bad that she didn't want to see me and begged Dr. Ramirez to kick me out of the hospital.

The good feelings that I had from all I had accomplished in a few short hours had been ruined by her outbursts.

Still, I kept my chin up and took Susan to the side, and we agreed to monitor her closely. We thought it was okay until she tried to rip her stomach open. She wouldn't see me or even talk to me on the phone. The doctors agreed that she was a danger to herself, and with her history, they were afraid for the patients.

I didn't want to put her on a psych hold, but I knew that she needed it, so I did what I had to do.

And I accepted the fact that she would hate me more.

For days, I was absent from the kids even though I was with them. I distracted myself with meetings to close the sale of the Beans, video games with Charlie and Tor, runs with Sue and the kids...and of course, packing up Mami's house.

I don't think I slept for the first four days, the psych hold calmed her, and she started asking for me on day six.

Only, she wasn't herself.

Six days after her surgery, when the stitches were finally beginning to heal, she began to make little jokes about dying. She'd been saying those things in front of me only, knowing how much those words would hurt her parents.

Then she slipped up, taking a pen and digging it across her wrist. She barely cracked the skin since she was still weak, but it was enough to put her on suicide watch, and she got a set of padded cuffs to keep her from doing any more damage.

By day nine, she seemed calmer. Her new medication had started to actually work for her.

I thought we were in the clear.

So, I began talking to Dr. Ramirez about discharging her to my care.

Nobody wanted to believe me that I could get her back to herself. They said it so much that I started to doubt myself.

My only option was to see for myself if she was ready to leave.


"You're starting to look better. How do you feel?"

"Empty." She said as I brushed her hair. It was the first time I had seen her sitting up in a wheelchair instead of being cuffed to her bed.

I brushed quietly while she watched the Price is Right. She was crazy good at numbers and guessing the price of things.

She said this was her Jeopardy. I couldn't agree more.

"Do you still feel like dying?" I asked.

"Yes...no. I need a reason to live, I guess."

"The play. Your kids. Your parents. Tubbs. Me." I said.

"You guys are great, and the play barely needs me, the dances are done, but I need something more. A purpose."

"That's always been dancing, B. Has that changed?"

"I don't know. I just, life feels like hell in here. This is no way to be...I need air."

"They won't let you out if you're suicidal, B. I won't let you out."

"Why are you even here? You could go off and have a better life without me. My brain is always going to be angry. The pills just help me deal with it. I am stupid, I do stupid things, and I have tried to kill you more than once. You deserve better."

"I deserve you."

"No."

"Yes." I leaned over and picked up her left hand, tracing over the tattoo. "We're married for life, B. I have my own shit, but I'm prepared to help you with yours just like you've helped me with mine."

"You can't buy your way out of my mental disorders."

"And I can't buy my way out of addiction either...what's your point, B? There is nothing you can say or do to make me leave you...even if we are apart, we are together."

"I deserve to be punished for what I've done."

"Haven't you heard, I am your punishment."

She turned in her chair and looked at me, a spark in her eyes.

"You're too good of a punishment."

"You say that now, don't worry, I'll find a way to fuck up again." Horror took over her face, and I laughed. "Not like that. I was thinking something smaller than drugs...you know, like accidentally throwing away your favorite sneakers."

"Please, don't." And then, like a fucking miracle, she smiled.

"You and me, B...we got this. I just need you to find a shred of a will to live and prove it to the doctors and your mom...if you can do that, we can go home."

"Home?"

"Well, Lima, first until you're done healing, and then we are going to buy a penthouse."

"A fancy one?"

"That's the only acceptable kind."

"Okay, I'll fight to live...I promise."

"Pinky?" I held out my hand, and she linked her pinky with mine.

"Pinky."


Three Days Later


When word made it back to New York about Britt's surgery, my sisters and Quinn decided to come to Lima to celebrate Thanksgiving and surround my wife with love.

Even though Thanksgiving wasn't until Thursday, they all showed up on the Saturday before so that they could help in whatever ways they could.

Britt was still in the hospital when everyone arrived, so they helped get the den set up. Then they went back to my apartment building to squat there, promising that they'd stay away unless I summoned them.

I became fiercely protective over Britt's mental health, not wanting to overwhelm her.

She still hadn't seen the kids or my mom, just her parents and me, for nearly three weeks.

I arranged to take Britt home only when I knew that the extra people had cleared from the house. It was mid-morning, and thanks to Rob not having to answer anyone, he insisted on being with us as we moved into the house while Susan worked.

With me stepping up to take care of Britt, her mom had gone back to work, trusting that I would contact her if anything. Brittany being discharged wasn't something I wanted her to stress about, so having Rob was perfect. He'd keep her updated.

Getting Britt dressed in the softest pajamas that I could find while they got the paperwork ready was a chore because she had reverted back to looking vacant.

"Still going to fight, B?" I asked her as she stared into the void. I was putting lotion on her feet before sliding fluffy socks onto them. She nodded her head but didn't say a word.

She'd been like that all morning, only responding when necessary but otherwise being out of it.

"Is she ready?" Rob asked as he pushed a wheelchair into the room.

Britt gave him a small smile and nodded. At least, I wasn't alone in this quiet morning of nonverbal answers.

Once her shoes were on, and her hair was brushed into a high pony, she signed her discharge papers and then sat in the wheelchair clutching her duck to her stomach. What I hadn't known until I handed him over to Susan was that he had a hot water bottle inside of him...it was the perfect gift for her at that moment.

It was like Court was still here, providing her big sister with comfort. I sent her a heavenly high-five like Rob and Susan did, Rob caught me and winked.

"Let's motor." He made motor sounds as he steered Brittany onto the elevator and to the waiting room. I handed him my keys and then waited with B while he grabbed the car.

"You know what this week is?" I asked her, trying for the hundredth time to prepare her for the onslaught of family. She shrugged. "Today is Monday, Thanksgiving is on Thursday." She nodded and then looked around the waiting area. There were decorations everywhere, and then she nodded in understanding. "People will be here to celebrate...some already are, but I told them they can't hound you. Not yet." Just when I was sure she wasn't listening, she reached for my hand and squeezed it before bringing it to her lips.

She was thanking me. I kissed her forehead, and then Rob was back, chattering enough for the three of us.

He even took on the responsibility of driving while I sat in the back with Britt, holding her hand.

It felt like we were back to being teenagers, being driven around on a date.

She must have thought the same thing because she gave my hand a squeeze and then leaned over, kissing my cheek before sitting back up and looking out the window.

I missed her voice, but she was processing. I knew how that felt, just needing to be silent. We'd been here before, back in high school, when she didn't talk for an entire month. She just needed the comfort of knowing people cared enough to be around still. It wasn't personal...her brain was just its own genius enterprise that everyone was too impatient to understand.

For her, I had all of the patience in the world.


The silence I could deal with but the vacant look in Britt's eyes was haunting me as I unstrapped her from the car.

After the drive through town, she was so inside her head that even when I spoke to her, I could tell that she wasn't hearing me.

I wasn't going to let her fall completely apart.

She still hadn't spoken a word, but the tears had finally stopped, which I wasn't quite sure was a good thing. When she got this into herself, when the tears wouldn't stop, the person who grounded her the best was her mom and Court.

Rob was too emotional, just like her. I was anxious for the day to end so that Susan could help me get her leveled-out emotionally.

Britt was in no state to deal with having company. I had even asked her to take the kids until Britt was settled. They were more than happy to see their Dama and aunts and cousins...and hopefully, by the time they saw their Mama again, she'd want to see them.

"We're here, B." I said, and she just sat there staring ahead, unblinking.

"I'll take the bags in and then come get her, okay?" Rob looked like he was ready to cry as he carried her bags inside.

I sat there with B, holding her hand, I turned her face to me, and when she was looking back at me, like really looking, I spoke.

"Come on, B...we're going to get you inside. Get a nice warm bath going, and then we'll tuck in early. Does that sound good?" I mumbled against her face as I kissed her cheek.

She nodded, and even though our eyes were directly in line with each other, I knew that she wasn't really seeing me.


I should have known that Rob was beginning to breakdown. It almost surprised me when I heard Pa's voice instead of Rob's.

"Let me help?"

I stood up and saw Pa was standing there with Mami and Rob behind him. Mami had looped her arm through Rob's, consoling him.

"Be careful with her." I said as I stepped to the side so that Pa could scoop her up into his arms.

"You got it." he said as he tucked her head against his shoulder and began walking towards the house.

I closed the car door and grabbed her duck before following.

Mami and Rob fell in step with me.

"Is the bed set up?" I asked Mami, and she nodded.

"It's in the den. Susan came and made it look like a bedroom."

I walked ahead of them and pushed the door open for Pa.

"Take her straight to bed." I said to Pa as we entered the foyer.

He held Britt like she was no bigger than Daniela. It was killing me inside to see her like this.

"She's so pale." Pa muttered as he laid her on top of the comforter.

"Yea...the doctors say that it will take time for her to get her coloring back." I muttered as I took off her shoes and then looked at Pa, who was still lingering.

"Thank you for your help. Can you ask Mami to let the girls know to keep the kids away until I get Britt settled?"

"Ok, Anita. I'll be right in the kitchen if you need me to do any more heavy lifting."

"Thanks, Pa." I said as I walked him to the doorway.

I turned back around and saw that Britt had taken it upon herself to get out of the bed and walk over to the window seat.

She sat cross-legged, looking out the window at the snow that had fallen overnight. Tears streaked down her cheeks.

"It's Dani's first real snow." She muttered, then she looked at me sadly. "I hate that I can't be out there with them." It warmed my heart more than I thought it could that the first words she spoke had to do with the kids. I took a deep breath and tried to compose myself as best as I could.

Be cool, Lopez.

I walked over to her and sat down in front of her. She took my hand as we looked out the window at the squirrel leaping through the snow. Britt always enjoyed watching them, but as she watched them play, she continued to cry. I pulled her hand up and kissed it. She clenched her eyes closed and pressed her lips into a thin line. I could tell that she was trying to hold back her sobs.

"Let it out." I said. Her body was shaking as she opened her eyes and wrapped her arms around her body, and curled into herself.

"I'm trying." She whispered.

"Do you need anything?" I whispered as I stood to my feet. She didn't speak...she just shook her head, reverting to her world of silence. "Do you feel dirty? You want to take a bath?"

I knew that after my miscarriage, I kept trying to wash away all the dark and dingy feelings. I tried to make my innocence return...I felt like that after long stays in the hospital too...I wondered if she felt the same way.

She nodded and then stood to her feet and, without hesitation, began to slowly strip out of her clothes.

It was like she was on autopilot.


Once she was naked, she finally met my eyes. Her stitches had healed, but she'd been too weak to shower on her own still, so Susan had been helping her. She'd been ashamed for me to see her, which was insane.

I guess she realized that she'd have to let me see her since Susan wasn't here. I reached my hand out, hoping that she would allow me to touch her again, which was another thing she'd been weird about.

She looked at my hand for a long time, and while I was beginning to lose my confidence in her reaching out and touching me, I didn't move.

Finally, she took it and then stood there waiting for me to make the next move.

The bathroom off the den was so rarely used that I hoped it was clean enough, but Mami had thought of everything. It was immaculate as I led us into the bathroom and then turned on the tub to the hottest temperature.

Mami had left the salve on the counter, and I poured some into the water. It bubbled and swirled pink. When I turned back to B, she was trembling and staring down at our hands.

I rubbed the top of her hand with my thumb, and she smiled sadly.

"Can you promise me something, Ana?" I looked up into her eyes in shock as she spoke to me.

"Anything, B." She swallowed and then looked at me with fresh tears in her eyes.

"No matter what I say or do...just please...don't leave me by myself. I don't trust myself right now. I promised you that I'd fight, but it's not going to be easy, not at first." I could see the desperation clawing out of her.

"I promise you, Britt Britt, I'm not going anywhere."

"You'll stay while I take a bath?"

"Yup."

I intended to get in with her, but I didn't want to make her feel any more self-conscious than she already did.


Britt stepped into the tub, and I knelt down on the carpet, ready to help her wash-up when she was ready. I rolled up a towel and perched it on the back of the tub. She laid her head back on it and closed her eyes.

Her hand clutched mine for dear life.

And I just rested there, holding her hand and humming softly to her.

When she finally opened her eyes, it was to me pulling the rosary from underneath my shirt. She let go of my hand and ran a finger along my rosary, her finger bumping mine.

Sadness radiated from her, but I smiled and reached around my neck, and pulled my rosary over my head.

"You need this more than me, right now."

She sat up enough for me to reach to put the rosary over her head.

"I don't deserve this." She whispered as she fingered the beads.

"Let God be the one to decide what you deserve."

"I think he already did." She mumbled before dropping her head back. She retook my hand as she began sobbing her heart out again.

This was a daunting reality, but I knew that I was prepared to help her.

With everything we had been through, my love for her never wavered.

I would give her all my love...and I would allow people to help me because I couldn't do it alone. I realized that these first few days weren't something I could handle by myself. I was still recovering. I was still building up my own defenses. I was afraid that if I took all of this on my shoulders alone, that I would become crushed under the weight of it all.

That's a scary thought.

To help Britt, I knew that I needed to keep helping myself.