Prisoner (Miley Cyrus feat. Dua Lipa)


Santana's POV


Once Britt was out of the tub, she stood in front of the mirror and ran her fingers over the slight swelling in her lower abdomen. After surgery, the fact that she looked pregnant had been the beginning of this depression. There was so much swelling in the beginning that it was hard to believe that she hadn't just had a baby.

There was bruising now to go along with the slight swell that looked more like bloating than a baby, thankfully. She had to wear a binder around her hips and belly for weeks. Now that she was out of it and coherent enough to actually look at herself objectively, it seemed she couldn't stop looking. I just stood there, trying to be patient, while I waited for her to finish her examination.

I tried to look nonchalant, but then she was looking at me. "Hey. Um..."

"Yes, B?" I said, eager to please her in whatever way I could, anything to get her to be happy and stay that way.

"Am I still fuckable?"

I couldn't hold back my grin.

"Absolutely."

"Good." She nodded to herself and then took a deep breath before muttering so low that I almost didn't hear her, "At least my lady parts are still good for something."

I had thought for a split second that she was coming around to a happier outlook, but she was still in her head.

She was just hiding it better.

I should have known.

When we got back to the den, she sat naked, staring out the window. From the bed that sat pressed against the far wall, where she could see the television clearly, had a line of sight out the window and into the kitchen.

Mami had set up the room so that Britt could feel both a sense of privacy and like she wasn't alone.

The plan was for me to stay in the den with her, but I hated that room. That couch used to be my favorite place to sleep in the whole house. When I spent days alone as a kid, I practically lived on that couch since everything that I needed was always just steps away. I had always thought fondly of it...until Marco raped me in here while I was pregnant with Isaac.

Ever since then, I have avoided the den, and no one questioned it. I knew, though, at that moment, it wasn't about my feelings. I needed to do what was best for my wife, which meant staying in that room until she was better.

"What are you thinking about?" She said, breaking me out of my reverie. I looked over at her from where I still stood in the doorway and had to do a double-take. In the time I had been staring at the couch, thinking about all that had happened in the den over the years, she had changed into her duck pajamas, the same ones she sent me after Marco choked me out.

When I left rehab, CiCi had asked me why I was choosing to stay in my apartment instead of being in my childhood home with my mother. I told her straight up, bad memories.

Over the months, I had allowed myself little trips to the house, an hour here or there, but I tried not to be in this room for long.

"I...when Marco...it was in here." She looked confused and then pissed.

Great.

"Everything comes back to him...even now?" She snapped at me, and I shook my head.

"Forget it. I'm overthinking, I'm fine. What do you need?"

I would have made this into a fight in the past, but I didn't have the energy. She held her brush out to me. "Can you brush my hair and put it up? Lifting my arms bothers my tummy."

"Sure, B."

When her back was to me, I brushed through her hair with all the love and devotion that I could muster despite her utter dismissal of my emotions.

I couldn't take things personally, even if I felt so hurt by just standing in that fucking room.

Once I got her top knot secured, I put the brush on the side table and then dropped down onto the couch.

She curled up on the bed and stared blankly out the window.

For a while, we stayed there like that, in complete silence.

My head was beginning to hurt, and I suddenly had the urge to leave her there, escape somewhere. I just didn't want her to feel abandoned or lonely.

"Are you hungry?" I asked, and she shrugged. "Do you want me to give you some space?" She shrugged again.

Rob popped his head in and smiled at Britt. He kissed her forehead and then broke our silence.

"You smell awesome. How was the bath?"

Britt sat up and smiled at him.

"It was good." Then she looked at me coldly. "I'm going to hang with Dad for a while until Mom gets here. I'm sure Gladys has something for you to do in the kitchen."

She was snarky and getting irritable with me after I had been by her side for weeks? Fuck her. I didn't need to put up with this. I took a deep breath and tried not to snap at her, at least not in front of Rob.

"Okay, if you're good, I'll go check on the kids."

This made her perk up.

"Good. Kiss them for me?"

"Sure, B."


Mami wasn't in the kitchen, so I just grabbed my jacket and headed for the front door. I could hear Mami's voice coming from Papi's office. She was on a work call, so I didn't bother bugging her. I just left.

Once I was in the car, I just sat there, taking long, deep breaths while trying to swallow back my tears.

I backed out the driveway but stopped when I got to the street, I could feel eyes on me, so I glanced towards the den window, and there Britt stood with Rob, he was talking to her, but she was watching me.

She waved, but I pretended not to see her. Instead, I just continued onto the street. I couldn't get away fast enough.

I drove towards the apartment for a few minutes but then realized that I didn't want to deal with my family, not yet, so instead, I drove towards the highway.

On the way, I passed the church as people filed in for a meeting. I knew that I should be going there instead of leaving, but I just couldn't deal with the self-righteous shit at that moment when I was feeling cynical.

I stopped for gas and cigarettes, trying not to think about how I was picking up a habit that I had worked so hard to stop. My phone buzzed and connected to the car, but I declined it. Instead, I put my phone on do not disturb after lighting up and rolling down my window, even though it was below freezing out. I tore onto the highway like I was being chased.

For weeks, I had been making more room for Brittany in my daily routine, which now felt like a fucking waste. I hadn't been to my businesses or spent any time by myself. Everything revolved around her. I felt like the build-up of all the shit in my mind was going to send me on a downward spiral, and I just couldn't slip, not now when I had so much riding on me staying sober.

I smoked and drove until my gaslight came on about 300 miles later. I had driven past Cleveland and was near Pennsylvania when I pulled over at a state park right off Lake Erie and turned off the car. It was beginning to snow as I stared out onto the half-frozen lake. It was beautiful and dangerous, just like most amazing things.

My phone had been buzzing on and off for hours until it died. I knew that this was reckless, but I couldn't talk to anyone; instead, I lit up another cigarette and just sat there staring out into the nothingness.

What toll was insisting on taking care of Britt doing to my recovery? How could I help her through this when I had been building up this intense resentment toward her. Sure, I had gotten good at hiding it, but I could sense that she was starting to see it, and I had a feeling that was why she was so fucking snide and snippy. I was just so fucking mad at her because this was entirely preventable, if only she had resisted sleeping with him, or even if she had just called me sooner...shit, if she had just taken the fucking medicine provided to her by my insurance.

I was getting myself all riled up, so much so that when there was a hard knock on my window, I nearly dropped my cigarette and set myself on fire.

"Fuck." I put the cigarette into the ashtray and looked towards the window again.

A flashlight was beaming into my face and then around my car.

The snow was coming down a little heavier now, and here I was sitting in a freezing car, all alone in the darkness. Of course, it looked suspicious. I opened the window, and some of it fell into the car.

"Ma'am, are you okay?"

"Uh, yes, I'm not from around here...I was trying to find a gas station, but I don't have a signal to look it up." I shook my now dead phone at him, and he nodded.

"This park is closed after dusk. If you stay here any longer, you'll get stuck here...they're predicting another blizzard."

"Oh."

"If you follow me, I can lead you to the nearest gas station and direct you to the closest hotel. If you are using the highway to travel, you'll want to get back on it soon, before this gets any worse."

"Thanks." I turned my car back on, and the gaslight shone brightly. He nodded when he saw I wasn't lying and then headed to his car.

I put up my window and then picked up my cigarette, relighting it before turning around and following the cop out of the park. My wheels spun a bit, but I hit gravel, and it surged forward.

The heat was starting to warm me, and I realized that I was probably so out of it that I would have frozen to death.


After filling up my tank, I bought hand sanitizer, gum, and air freshener but skipped another pack of cigarettes. I had smoked myself down to my last two cigarettes and knew that I'd need to finish them or stash them away before I got home.

If I went home.

The cop hadn't been kidding about the blizzard warnings. I drove for a half-hour and only made it about ten miles before I had to pull off the road. The snow had gotten too thick for this little convertible. If I had my SUV that was collecting rust back in New York, I would have been able to at least make it halfway home.

I pulled into a hotel parking lot, grabbed my phone, charger, and purse before heading inside.

A shiver went through me when I remembered the last time I had stayed at a hotel...Brenda's funeral.

It also dawned on me that my whole family was in Lima, which meant that they'd ALL know I was gone. When they were in New York, it was less likely that I'd have to deal with their judgment, but with me being a recovering drug addict, I knew that they were all thinking the worst.

Fuck.

When I finally got up to my room, I felt the exhaustion hit me.

For weeks, I had been going nonstop, without thought to how much rest I was getting.

Now that I was alone, in the middle of nowhere, I had no choice but to focus on myself.

I put my phone on the charger. Then I went downstairs to the little lobby store. I loaded up on junk food, a travel kit, and an oversized Cleveland shirt. Since I was there, I also got tiny versions for the kids. Fuck it, why not?

Once I was back in my room, I dropped the food on the bed and went straight to the bathroom to take the hottest shower known to man.

It felt good to not worry about anything or anybody...just for one night.

How strange was it that my crazy life made me wistful for the singular focus of rehab?


One long shower later, I climbed into the bed, turned on the television, and began to dig into my snacks.

Now that my phone had come to life, it kept chiming with notifications. I watched an old episode of some laugh track sitcom while I tried to work up the nerve to see how much trouble I was in.

I told myself one bag of chips, and I'd call someone, but then that came and went.

My body shook badly. The craving for more smoke in my lungs was a surprise, the feeling of fiending for anything was enough to give me pause. How was it that I needed a cigarette? This couldn't be a habit that I fed, not with Isaac so sick all the time and my own breathing issues. I only had two left, so there was no point in wasting them. I dug them out of my wallet and then went lit up, grateful that I had gotten a smoking room.

With the smoke choking my lungs and my head feeling floaty from all the nicotine and adrenaline, I picked up my phone.

I had nearly 100 messages and missed calls.

While I was trying to decide which person to respond to, my phone rang. It was Walker.

"Hi." I said, feeling foolish for not talking to her at the very least. She would have probably skipped town with me if she had been there.

"You good?" She asked in her normal tone.

"Yeah. Who called you?"

"Quinn, on behalf of the family."

"Figures."

"They're going crazy...you know that, right?"

"Not surprised."

"Are you safe, at least?"

"Yes."

"Are you sober?"

"Yes."

"Good. Did you get stuck in this snow?"

"Kinda. I drove until I ran out of gas. I just needed some air. I tried to head home, but the snow got too bad, so I am currently at a hotel for the night. I'll see how things are in the morning and head home when the roads are clear."

"What Bean are you near?"

"Red Bean."

"Wow, I haven't been there in a while...want to meet there in the morning?"

"Why, so you can escort me home?"

"Partially." I scoffed, and she sighed. "It's also a good opportunity for you to check out one of the locations you just purchased. It's the only location that is more diner than a coffee shop. My sister Emerson went to Oberlin College and had the idea for that location. It's a hit for all the area colleges. It's open 24 hours, unlike the rest, and is the cash cow that keeps the Beans going. We can grab pancakes and discuss business plans for the other locations. I think you should also catch a meeting when you come back here."

"I know. If I could get to one right now, I'd probably go."

"Is it that bad?"

"It could have been, but I stayed clean."

"Good, let's talk over breakfast, yes?"

"Fine. I'll meet you there."

"Are you sure you'll show? I'm not forcing you."

"Of course, I'll show. Why would I lie about that?"

"Addicts lie...I know that better than most. Don't bullshit me...it's Thanksgiving week, and I just drove back to town from Columbus to help look for you."

"I'll be there...the front desk guy already told me that they'd dig me out in the morning."

"Good. I'll let you know when I'm close."

"Thanks."

"Call your mom before you go to bed. Everyone else can wait."

"I was just trying to figure that out."

"Your mom, for sure."

"Thanks, Walker."

"Yup. See you in the morning."


I lit my last cigarette, then called Mami before I lost my nerve.

She was NOT as calm as Walker.

"Where are you?!"

"Bendicion." I said after blowing out smoke.

"Santana, please, my heart can't take this. Where are you?" A door shut, and then she let out a sob.

I flipped the call to FaceTime and waited for her to answer.

When she did, I could see that she was in the bathroom in my apartment. She looked like shit.

"I'm in a hotel outside Cleveland. The snow is nasty." I said to her before I sucked in more nicotine, forgetting that she could see me for a split second. Her eyes went wide.

"Mi'ja, tell me cigarettes are the only backslide you took today, please?"

"They are. I just needed to get away from there. I drove until I ran out of gas...then it started snowing on my way back."

"So you got a hotel instead of driving, good girl." She said, looking calmer. "I don't even need to ask why you left. Brittany is out of control. She cursed at her father when you left the house without saying goodbye to her, and then when more time went by, and you weren't answering her calls. She tried to leave to find you, Rob tried to stop her, and she pushed him so hard that he nearly fell."

"No way?!"

"He yelled at her, and she was falling over herself to apologize. I've never heard him get that upset."

"How did you get her to calm down about me being gone?"

"Quinn."

"Is she okay now?"

"Yes, we told her that you were at the apartment and I was going to check on you. She thinks you're here."

"Thanks...I don't need her blowing up at anyone else. Walker is coming here tomorrow morning to escort me back. She thinks it's a good idea to check out the coffee shop here...so we'll have breakfast and then drive back."

"Okay...and you're safe?"

"If you're asking me if I'm high, no, I'm not, and I don't plan on it."

"Good. I'll calm everyone down, get some rest and call me when you head out in the morning."

"Okay, Mami. I love you. I'm sorry for scaring you."

"Thank you. I'm glad you're safe."


I woke up feeling hungover and wheezing. It took every bit of energy in me to crawl to my purse and pull out the rescue inhaler that I seldom used. I sucked down two quick bursts of air and then just laid there, giving my lungs a second to catch up.

Smoking had definitely been a bad idea.

Instead of waiting, I texted Walker right away.

Just got out of bed. Gonna shower. Are you on the way?-Santana

She's driving. We should be there in 30 mins.-Q

I should have known that Walker wouldn't come alone, and I didn't blame her. She didn't know what she was showing up to. Having backup like Quinn was a safe move. I would have done something similar if the tables were turned.

Okay.-San

I rushed through a hot shower. Scrubbing the smell of smoke out of my skin. It was too cold out to wash my hair, so I just finger combed conditioner to mask the smell.

Since I didn't have a change of clothes other than the nightshirt I bought, I was stuck wearing my clothes from the previous day at least, that was the plan, but the moment I put my shirt over my head, the smell of smoke sent me into a coughing fit.

So, I had to settle for my smoky jeans and the new nightshirt. At least that way, the smoke had a longer way to travel to get to my lungs.

They had just finished digging my car out of the snow when I got to the lobby. There was at least two feet of snow outside, but thankfully it looked like the road had been cleared.

"How are you miss?" The concierge asked. "Would you like us to heat-up your car while you grab some complimentary coffee?"

"That would be amazing!" I double-checked that he actually worked there before handing over my keys. I felt exhausted as I lingered at the coffee bar.

Despite the conditioner, I could still smell smoke in my hair. To make matters worse, my car reeked of smoke, so I drove the whole four miles to the Red Bean with my windows open. Thank God for seat warmers.

I pulled up next to Walker's SUV and took another puff of my inhaler.

Right then, as I stared at the Red Bean, a place that was twice the size of the Lima Bean and way busier...I knew I had made a wise purchase.

I sprayed perfume in the car and on myself before stepping out of the car. The wind froze my face, but it also carried away a little of the smoke. It took me about two minutes to get up the nerve, but I marched towards the building with my head held high.


Walker greeted me at the hostess stand. She stood there looking serious and then pulled my sunglasses from my face.

Our eyes met, and she asked me again.

"You good?"

"I am." My voice was deeper, scratchier from the cigarettes, but I didn't bother trying to clear my throat. She handed back my glasses and then nodded toward the dining room.

"Quinn is here with your sister, Celia. They're having breakfast at a separate table from us at my insistence. It's one thing for them to bombard me this morning. It's another for them to inundate you with drama when you might be too fragile to deal with it."

"Thanks."

"I owed you one for saving me from my family and Heather a few weeks ago."

"Right."

"They are taking you home, and I'm heading straight to Columbus, so this will be all the time you get with me until after Thanksgiving. So I need you to promise me you'll file this under the reckless acts pact we have."

"I will." I said, knowing she meant reckless acts need meetings, and I had every intention of doing just that.

"Solid. Let me show you around."

I followed her as she gave me a tour of the dining room tour, the kitchens and introduced me to the staff.

The place was amazing, and when we finally sat, and I got a Belgian waffle the size of my head, I swooned.

We ate in silence at first, letting the silence hang there for a bit, and then it became uncomfortable.

"You know what's crazy?" I said to Walker, and she very calmly put down her knife and fork before wiping her hands on her napkin. Once she was finished, she looked me in the eyes and nodded for me to continue. "I didn't think of drugs even once. All I wanted was some space to get some clarity on exactly what I'm doing when it comes to Brittany."

"Only Brittany?"

"No, more than that, I had this plan about leaving rehab and reconnecting with myself, my health, and my kids. I wanted to go back to New York healed. I wanted to show up in a new home with no history and start fresh. I had hoped to do that on New Years' Day, but it's already the end of November. Instead of feeling like I've made progress, I'm here, having run away from my wife and kids...on the biggest family holiday week of the year. It makes me question if I am ready to leave in a month."

"What would it take?" She asked before sipping her coffee.

"For what?"

"For you to do exactly that, move back and start fresh?"

"I don't know anymore."

"Are you healthy?"

"For the most part. Until this morning, after smoking a pack of cigarettes and needing my inhaler, I haven't felt sick otherwise."

"Okay, and how are you with the kids? Do they know you? Have you had fun with them? Are you closer to them than you were?"

"I am. We haven't had as much fun as I would like, but I'm planning to be a stay at home mom. There's time for fun in New York."

"Okay, so what's the holdup? Brittany is leaving because of work; as soon as she is healed, she has made that clear to EVERYONE, correct?"

"I know she has."

"So what's holding you back?"

"I am."

"Why?"

"I don't know."

"You know what I think? I think you're scared, and I think the longer you stay, the more excuses you will create. If I were you, I'd go back to Lima, pick a place in New York and buy it. Then after the holiday or holidays, I'd move right away. I think you need to write up your plan, step-by-step, and check off the list. Make one that includes Brittany and one that doesn't. That way, you can manage your expectations."

"Really? You too?"

"Yes. I agree with that sentiment."

"And in the meantime?"

"In the meantime, Santana, you can't hang your hat on only Brittany anymore. You are addicted to her happiness, and somewhere along the way, you have convinced yourself that it's your job to make her happy, and that's a mistake. I know it for a fact because that's what I've been doing with Heather for 12 years."

"You make some good points."

"I know."

"Will you help me get to a place where I feel prepared to leave?"

"However you need me, I'll be there. You need to create a business plan with Rob and me. Then you need to have a sit-down with all of your site managers. This is the furthest location from Lima, so meeting Greg and Lisa, the co-managers will be a great start. I've already let them know we'd be here. They should be here soon. We will just introduce you and let them know I'm staying on, but there might be some changes...like whatever you told Dave."

"Oh, that."

"Yeah...what was it you were alluding to about expectations?"

"I was thinking about starting a college fund for managers, to help them with expenses and provide them with flexibility in their schedules, like I do with Z. A path to management, so that you can eventually let them fully manage the Beans while you continue to be the boss and I remain the silent owner/partner."

"That's great. We won't talk that in-depth, though, because we need a concrete business plan with facts and figures before bringing the managers into your plan. You're onto something, though."

"Good. Thanks for reminding me that I exist outside of Lima and Brittany."

"Anytime."


Meeting with the new managers was amazing. I felt like a boss and needed that boss bitch attitude for my journey home.

Walker intended to pick up her sister Emerson and drive them back to Columbus, so after breakfast, I had to suck it up and go home with Quinn and Ceily.

I was geared up for it to be a shit show, but then I walked over to their booth, and they were holding hands, with their faces close together. Leverage, they probably wanted a nice, sweet ride, and I couldn't agree more.

So, I slid into the booth and snatched a piece of sausage from my sister's plate.

"You two fucking again?" I asked, and Quinn turned bright pink. "I'll take that as a yes. When did this happen?"

"Uh...um...well." Q was actually speechless, and I turned my eyes on my sister, who I hadn't seen in person in months.

"She needed a New York address, she asked you, and then the internship people wanted to see the mail with your address, and she didn't want to bother you. So, she came to me, and I let her change her phone plan address to Brooklyn to claim residency. As a thank you, she asked me out for coffee...the rest is history."

"Congrats, ladies. I'm glad my busy life brought you two back together. So, listen, I need to get this out before we head home. I didn't drink or get high last night. I am still sober, and I plan to be. I smoked a lot of cigarettes, my car reeks, and I know it. I've been through way too much shit with B, and I don't want to spend the next four hours hearing lectures. So, say what you need to say now. Hopefully, after that, we can just have a good drive home without the bullshit. Does that sound like a plan?"

They both nodded, and then Q went first.

"I was only going to say that your babies need you, and they need Britt, but not like this. All I want is for you to come home and get a place, just for you and the kids. Let B figure her shit out without sex or a marriage hanging over her. This time apart from Ceily, was good for me. I found my footing, and I think you deserve to find yours too."

"And what is your great plan for my wife's living situation?"

"Ari got a place near NYU. She needs a roommate. We all know that she has NO interest in fucking B...so I think it's a great fit."

"Does Ari think that too?"

"She does, and she has offered, but Britt turned her down because she is of the mind that she needs to save every penny."

I looked at my sister and raised an eyebrow.

"This is about Sandra cutting her off, isn't it?" Ceily nodded. "Fine, I'll pay Ari directly and let Britt figure out the rest. My kids need a safe place to visit when they are with her, and I'm willing to pay for that. You have anything to say, sis?"

"Not really, I just wanted to be here for moral support. You know my stance on Brittany, I've stopped her from killing you, and I've also supported you getting back together. I trust you, and I accept her on the strength of my love and trust for you. If you think that you're good and that you know what you're doing when it comes to her...then I'm just going to have your back."

"That's just it; I have no fucking idea. Loving Brittany is like breathing for me. I can recognize, though, that we are broken, and I have played a part in that. I can own up to my shit. I just had this idea that moving home would me that we would be moving into our own home when I finally leave Lima. I thought that we could be a real family, and I just don't think that's happening, not after everything that just happened. I'm grieving my relationship, and I'm grieving the children she won't be able to carry...I ache for her, but I don't think that should be something that completely washes out my own needs."

"So take it day by day." Q said. "You guys are a real family, no matter what your living situation is. When you two make things about the kids, everything else will fall into place."

"You're right. I just need to get through this week, and then I think it will be time to start figuring my life out. It's nice to have the option of her living with Ari. I think that removes one of my major hang-ups."

"Sis, like I said, I've got your back."

"So do I." Q said.

"Thanks! So what do you think of this place?" I asked them and Quinn nodded.

"I love it. I wish the Lima Bean cooked like this."

"Yeah, the coffee is pretty decent too." Ceily threw in.

"Well, this isn't family knowledge yet, but I own it. I own all the Beans."

"Wait, the Lima Bean too?" Q asked.

"Yup. I bought Walker out. I agree that the breakfast here is awesome, and I think it could be a hit at the Lima Bean."

"Shit, San. That's amazing...does that mean that this meal is free?"

"No. You still need to pay. So eat up. I miss my babies and want to get home so I can wash the smoke from my hair, chop-chop, ladies." I said, and then I left them at the table...I had something I needed to do.


I left the Red Bean and headed out to the car. I really needed to handle this before making the drive.

After taking a calming breath, I called my wife.

"You're alive! Nice of you to call." She said, sounding snarky.

"Britt, this isn't how you talk to me. I hate that you've been mean and angry towards me. I won't put up with it."

"If you don't want me to be mean, then you shouldn't just leave and not come home!"

"I left yesterday because you were discounting my feelings. Marco raped me in that room, and it was hard for me to be in there. I tried to be upfront about it, and you were mean for no reason."

"I'm sorry, okay?"

"No. That's not good enough. I need to know you really fucking mean it."

"What more do you want from me? I'm trying!"

"Here is how it's gonna go for me. I'm coming home today. I'm still going to stay at the house because I promised my mom that I would help her pack up the house. After Thanksgiving, I will take the kids to the St. Mary's lakehouse to stay for a week. I think I need out of Lima...to clear my head, I just went about it the wrong way."

"Yeah, you did." She muttered, but I chose to ignore it.

"Anyway, I would love it if you could come and we could figure out our shit as a family—just the four of us, but if you can't go because of whatever hang-ups you have, that's fine too, I can't build my world around someone determined to burn it to the ground."

"I feel the same way."

She was right, but it still stung.

"B, I just need you to understand that I will not let you jeopardize my sobriety because you are hurting. The sarcasm and rude comments are out of control. They need to stop. Understand?"

"Yeah. Are you done?" She said, not sounding affected at all.

"I'm done."

"I'm leaving your mom's. I'm going back to my parents' house, I think I need space for a few days, and then I would really like to go to the lakehouse with you and the kids."

"What about everything else that I just said?"

"I will be better at being respectful. I'm sorry. I'm feeling bitter."

"I get that."

"I'm a work in progress...we both are."

"You're right. Will I see you when I get home?"

"Probably not. I don't feel like I deserve to be in your presence right now because you're right about me being out of control. After I pushed dad, mom called the one person who scares the shit out of me...and now...well...I need to reevaluate my actions and stop acting like a fool."

"You saw Sue."

"Yeah."

"What about Thanksgiving?"

"I think I'm going to Chicago with my parents, I was staying here for you, but I should go. It will be the first Thanksgiving without Court. It will be good to be around family and get my head straight. I was hoping you'd let me take Izzy?"

"Just Isaac?"

"Dani is still kinda breastfeeding, and she's attached to you. It will be easier on you to only have to worry about one kid. I'm his mom. It's about time I act like it."

"Okay, that's fine. He'll love all of the attention."

"Yeah, he will. There are no little kids in my family...just Izzy and Dani." She cleared her throat and sighed, "I'm sorry about everything. When I see you next, I want you to know that I mean it. So, drive safe, and I'll see you for Sunday dinner?"

"Sounds like a plan."

"And you'll send me pics of the Dani? I'll make sure to send some of Izzy."

"Yeah."

"Sweet. Bye."

"Bye."


According to Celia, the family had all gone back to the house because they refused to allow Brittany to run them out of Papi's house, which meant that I could go to my apartment without any interference.

I smelled to the high heavens, so after a quick stop at the Lima Bean for some coffee, I had them drop me off at the apartment.

Quinn was unsure about leaving me there on my own, but I still needed space.

So after making sure I was actually in my apartment, she left in Ceily's rental car with her.

I watched them pull out of the lot and head down the street and around the corner.

Once I was sure they were gone, I waited.

An SUV came around the corner, and I smirked.

It had happened on the ride down, the text message that changed my initial plan to just head to the house.

Ari.

Are you home?-Ari

Not yet, are you in town-Anita

Yes, I need...you.-Ari

What happened to ya, girl?-Anita

Quits. Please?-Ari

Just this once.-Anita

I know.-Ari

I'll let you know when the coast is clear!-Anita

I met Ari at the door. She had tears in her eyes and a beautiful smile that I missed.

"Hey." I said. She stepped into my personal space and shut the door behind her, locking it.

"Hi."

"Britt won't forgive you for this. You know that, right?"

"I share an office wall with her...I have heard things that haunt me. She's got her own dirt."

"I'm still married. Can you handle that Catholic guilt?"

"Please, Anita?"

"I need a shower, join me?"


I leaned over her and hit the smoke detector with my shoe, knocking the light out. Sandra was in town, and I knew how fucking nosy she could be. I wasn't trying to start shit with my family.

My phone buzzed immediately,

What the fuck?-Sandra

Mind your business.-Ana

Instead of waiting for a response, I just texted back a shower emoji.

I glanced into the lot once more. Just mine and Ari's brother's car sat there.

She kissed me, and it caught me by surprise even though I knew what she was there for.

Her lips tasted like her favorite cinnamon gum, and her fingers felt urgent as they moved over my shoulders, and then she pushed off my coat. Her hands were quick as she tore off my clothes.

We made our way into the bathroom, and I pushed her back. I needed to see her.

"Strip."

She looked shy as she slowly took off her layers. All the dancing had carved her body into a work of art...just like Britt's. I was a sucker for a dancer's body.

Fuck.

When my eyes traveled up her body and looked into her eyes, I could see that they were red-rimmed.

She'd been crying a lot.

And she knew what question was on the tip of my tongue.

"I'm still in remission. I'm not sick."

"Thank God."

After turning on the shower, I pushed her back against the wall and kissed her.

I had a brief flashback of Britt pushing me back against this same part of the wall, I had been high and trying to hide more coke, and she used violence to make me breakdown.

Ari's tears became my tears.

I really wished I could get shit right, but I was scared to be alone, and with the way things were with B, I was endlessly alone.

At least I wasn't fucking Sofia still.

I loved Ari.

She was the soulmate for a different lifetime.

I wasn't surprised when she took over once we were in the shower. She needed this more than I did. I was a safe place, a soft place, and I didn't mind it.

At least not at that moment.


My body shook as she brought me to climax for the third time, her fingers started working me up again, and I grabbed her wrist.

"That's enough...let me?" I asked, and she nodded.

I slipped my fingers inside her and watched her whole body relax. This was the first time that I really felt like I was betraying Brittany...not even when I fucked Sofia right downstairs did I feel like this.

She held onto me and let out these whimpers that drove me crazy.

And then she came, fast, her body shaking with tears leaking down her face.

I kissed her salty cheeks as I moved my hand from inside her and gripped her hip.

"I love you...it's going to be okay...I promise. You have me as much as you need."

She shook her head.

"You can't use me as a crutch...you don't love me like that."

"But I do. If things don't work with B..." I let the sentence hang, and she just stared at me wide-eyed, like she was actually considering it, but then she shook her head.

"No. You can't fall in love with me...we have a deal. You picked Brittany, remember? You told me that she will always be it for you. I told you before. I won't be your crutch. I just...I needed this. Understand, this won't happen again."

"Right." I nodded and turned from her. "You're right. Sorry." I refocused my energy into washing my body and crying into the water pounding on my face. "Tell me about this girl. What happened?"

She was right. I'd lead her on and then go running back to Britt. It's what I always did, and she was too good for that. I knew better.

I don't know when I started sobbing, but her arms pulled me from under the water. She held me back against her chest and kissed my shoulder.

"I thought she was the one, but how can I be sure? She's like this perfect angel. I am not worthy of her." Ari said between kisses.

"I feel the same way about you and me. I used to feel like that about me and B. I've corrupted her."

"Nah, Britt always had that darkness. You just gave her permission to let it out."

"Maybe."

"Your skin smells like smoke. I thought you quit?"

"I went on a bender last night. I'm just getting home."

Her arms tightened, and I leaned my head against hers. "I'm sober. I just went awol, drove to Cleveland without telling anyone, got stuck in a snowstorm, and smoked a whole pack of cigarettes."

"Wow."

"Yeah, I was escorted home. They are waiting for me at my dad's house. I can't be here for too long, or they'll show up looking for me."

"Then let's get dry. I don't want to be in the Lopez family drama. I've got enough Soto shit going on."

We got clean and lapsed into just joking around.

No more sex happened. We just fell into that easy friendship that we had developed as kids.

She kissed me one more time and then left me in the shower.

Moments later, she shoved my toothbrush at me with a little mountain of toothpaste on it.

"Thanks," I muttered, feeling self-conscious.

"I'll meet you in the kitchen. I still need advice."

"Okay."


I took my time moisturizing my body and putting on some makeup. It'd been a while since I felt like I wanted to do my face up, but something about the way Ari looked at me, like if she allowed herself, she'd love me better than I could ever imagine, inspired me.

She had been right, though, when all is said and done...even while I was with her, it was Britt who dominated my thoughts.

My love for Brittany felt childish but also like the only thing in the world that made sense.

I rubbed the tattoo on my finger...one of the same fingers that had just been fucking Ari.

The tears threatened to come, but I forced myself to think of something else, something happy, like my son's smile.

After I got dressed, I headed out to the kitchen.

I stopped short when blue eyes were staring me down.

"B...where's...did Ari leave?"

"She's in the hall or the car...I don't know, I just asked her to leave. I needed a moment with you...alone."

"I thought you said that you didn't want to see me."

"Yeah, well, I wasn't clear-headed, I was just telling you what I thought you wanted to hear. I'm level now."

"Oh, that's good."

"If it's good, why won't you come fully into the kitchen. Are you scared that I'm going to hurt you after what you just did?"

I rubbed at my ring finger and shook my head.

"No."

"Come here." She stood there, in the center of the kitchen with her hands shoved in her pockets. "Please?"

I stared at the busted smoke detector and then the door that was behind Brittany. There was nowhere for me to go other than the room, and I wasn't going to lock myself in there like a little bitch.

She was still wounded. If she got funny, I would just knee her if need be.

I squared my shoulders and moved further into the kitchen. I pulled out one of the chairs and nodded towards the other.

"You wanna talk, you sit down over there...you already shoved Rob. I don't want your hands to get any ideas about me."

She didn't even argue. She sat down across from me, like a reasonable adult.

"You fucked Ari." She said, and I shrugged. "You left and didn't tell anyone where you were going." I shrugged again. Her hand slammed down on the table, and I flinched. "If you don't want me to be angry, please use your words, Santana."

Full name.

"Yes to all of that. Brittany." I shot back, and she shook her head at me. "What's your point?"

"Are you doing this to hurt me? Is it because I was mean?"

"It's not about you, B."

She scoffed, "I should have known. It's never about me. Even when I'm suffering, it's about someone else. I got shot, and it was all about Carmen and Nico. I lose a piece of myself, and you run away after promising me that you wouldn't leave me."

"You sent me away!"

"To the kitchen, to the kids, but not to Cleveland!" She was crying now.

I was so tired of tears.

"What do you want from me, Brittany?"

"I want to be the only person that gets to make you moan. Since I've been here, you've fucked two people that I know of. When did you go back to being such a slut?" This time, I slammed my hands down.

"Don't."

"I just wish you'd let it out. I can tell that you're disappointed in me. Just fucking say it!"

"Fine. Yes, I am. I'm pissed at you for this! You did this to yourself. I would have helped you!"

"But I didn't want you to pay for things or fix me. I just wanted my best friend."

"We're barely friends." I said, and she nodded.

"I know...we're barely married either."

"Then divorce me, already." I said, and she shook her head.

"No. I want this to work. I want you and only you. Every time I have cheated on you, something bad has happened. I won't ever do that again. EVER. I swear on Court's grave, I will be faithful to you until the day that I die."

"Don't swear on her grave."

"Too late. I already did."

"Well, I won't be swearing on any graves."

"You don't have to. I know if I'm faithful, you'll be faithful. You cheat when you're unhappy. Sex isn't a big deal to you. I know that about you."

"Because I'm a slut?"

"No, because you have to love a person."

"I love Ari."

"But you didn't pick her, not even today...did you?"

"I...still fucked her."

"Sex means nothing to you unless you are saying that you leaving me for her?"

I hated myself, but I wouldn't lie. "No."

"Why?"

"Because."

"Because why?"

"Because I'm fucking in love with you, okay, you happy?"

She grinned. "Yeah. I am." She leaned over the table and pulled on my shirt until our faces were inches apart. "I'm fucking in love with you too." Then she kissed me, and against my better judgment, I swooned.

Fucking Brittany and her loving me.

Fuck her.


Britt held me in her arms once we were standing and danced with me, humming all the while.

"Next week, when we go to the lake, I want us to start planning our lives and someday...when we have been happy for way longer than a year, maybe we try again. Would you be okay with that?"

"Five years, at least." I said to her, and she stopped in her tracks. "We're 20, B. Let's live a little, make a life. A real one, then we can talk about it."

"Okay, yeah, five years."

"I still can't believe that you pushed your dad. I shouldn't be touching you."

"It was a reflex. He pushed me first, and I regretted it right away. They put me on the meds that I was on before I got shot. I was so good then."

"So you're good now?"

"Yes."

"Don't be mad at Ari. She's going through something."

"She got disowned. They were mad before, but then she told them about Gloria, and they lost it."

"Gloria?"

"Her girlfriend."

"They broke up."

"Oh. She didn't say that."

"Do you think she needs a place to stay and a place to go on Thanksgiving?"

"She's coming to Chicago with me. There's no way that I'm leaving her here with you."

"I'm done with that, B."

"Yeah, I don't know about that. I thought I was done with...HIM...but I obviously wasn't. You two need space. Besides, Mom got tickets to The Nutcracker. I'm going to take her with me."

"Wait...was that my ticket?"

She turned red and shrugged.

"You stay here with your family. Pack up the house, next week, you can have me all to yourself."

"How's that fair?"

"I'll dance the whole show for you, naked if you want."

"No, I mean, yes, dance for me, but what I meant was how is it fair that you get to go off to Chicago to have fun without me?

She sighed and moved her hands to my neck, then to my face. She ignored my flinch and just held my face in her hands.

"You left because you needed space. Right? I was sucking up all the air in Lima, and you couldn't breathe here?"

"Uh, yeah, that's it exactly." I smirked. I loved when she got all smart on me. "How'd you know?"

"Because I know you. You came back here to grow up and figure out who you are without me. I came and sucked up all the air, then I kept wanting more of yours."

"You did."

"I'm glad you stayed sober."

"Me too."

"If you stayed, I would have pushed you to not be. I feel okay. I was just letting my bitterness take over. I would have hated myself if I pushed you past your limit."

"I like to think I'm strong enough not to let you get me down."

"But you're not. We are each other's kryptonite."

"Yeah?"

"Yup."

"So scale from 1-100, how mad are you about Ari?"

"1 million."

"Yeah?"

"Uh-huh, but I don't want to hurt you. We've hurt each other enough. I know if I'm at a million, you're at least at a billion. I forgive you."

"I'm glad to hear you say that. I'm working on forgiving you. I wish I was there, but I'm not, and I can't lie about it."

"Good, be mad at me. I am too. We can get over it together, deal?"

"Deal."


When we got down to the parking lot, Ari was leaning against her car. There was still no other car in the lot but mine. I looked over to B.

"Did you walk here?"

"I needed the exercise. Talk to Ari, I'll warm up the car."

"Okay."

Britt kissed my cheek and then fist-bumped Ari before getting in my car.

I climbed into Ari's car with her and then pulled her hand into my lap.

She looked at her hand in mine, and then it all came tumbling out.

"I can't believe I cheated on her."

"So, Britt was right. You do have a girlfriend."

"I do."

"What's going on, Ari?"

"I went to see my mom. She's been super devout since Moncho died. He told her about Daniela, and she is convinced that if I'm going to be 'this way' that I should make an honest woman out of you and raise his child, instead of going around with some ex-nun and helping her defy God."

"Wait, what?"

"Goli...Gloria is a former nun. When she came out to her mom, she was coerced into going into one year of servitude to Christ or something. She became a nun, shaved her head and everything. After a year, she came to NYU, and we fell in love after being the only consistent people at mass."

"Like us."

"Yeah."

"If you love her so much, why did you fuck me?"

"Because I wanted to prove to myself that what exists between us isn't the real thing."

"That's stupid, Ariana. I thought it was something bigger. Britt says you were disowned."

"Well yeah, kind of, but I still show up, and you know Mami, she has too much pride to kick me out. She just talks crap the whole time that I'm there."

"So where are you staying because I know you aren't staying there and putting up with that shit?"

"With friends, I'm wearing out my welcome. They just had a kid."

"I know how that is. At least Britt is taking you away for a bit. You'll have fun in Chicago, and if you still need a place when you get back...you can stay in one of the apartments."

"We'll see. Are you mad?"

"Not as mad as Britt will be when she finds out the truth."

"You can't tell her. I work with her. She's my boss."

"You shoulda thought of that before you fucked me, Ari."

"I like to think we made love." She said, pulling her hand back and running it through her curls.

"Yeah, let's not say that in front of B. She's learned how to be vindictive from Sue Sylvester, don't test her."

"Right, so you should get out then and um not be mad because you know I love you."

"I love you too, even if that was fucked up."

"I'm sorry."

"Do it again, and you will be."


Once I was back in the car with Britt, she sat in the passenger seat and glared at Ari as she pulled out of the lot.

"What's the real story?" B asked once Ari was gone. Her eyes bore into mine, and I dropped my eyes.

"Let it go."

"You know I can't do that. I'm going to wonder every time you're alone together. I'll wonder when she's dancing, and I'm directing her. I'll make up my own version, which will probably be worse than the truth, so just tell me. Please?"

I resisted putting the car in drive and turned to her instead.

She looked nervous.

"They didn't break up. She wanted to see if there was something real between us before she gives into loving this girl."

"And was there for her?"

"No."

"What about for you?"

I looked away from her, and she gasped. "Ana, tell me the truth, do you have feelings for her? I need to know."

"I'm not in love with her, I love her though, probably more than most people. Almost as much as I love you, like maybe if we never met, she'd be my person, but I did meet you, and my love for you...she can't compare to you, B."

"Do you wish that she did?"

"No." My response was immediate this time. "Maybe in the beginning, when we were just getting serious, there was a chance, but not anymore. When I was in New York, selling myself and getting my ass beat, it was my love for you that got me through. Not once did I think of Ari. It's always been you, even when I wished it wasn't."

"You sound like a prisoner."

"Sometimes, I feel like one when you're off your meds or being unreasonable. I know, though, that some of that is you not taking your meds. I've said a hundred times that this marriage will work if you stay on your meds. I'm a prisoner to you not taking care of yourself and leaving me to pick up the pieces. It's not fair to the kids or me."

"I know, I've learned my lesson the hard way about not taking the medicine that I need to take. I won't do that again. I'm going to be better."

"You've said that before."

"I know."

"This time, you need to be less talk, more action. Like dancing, don't tell me how to dance...show me."

I watched the idea take hold in her mind like this was a new concept. "That makes so much sense. I never thought of it like that."

"We aren't completely hopeless, are we, B?"

"No, we have the outline. We just need to fill it in."

"Have I ever told you how much I love you?" I said, leaning in to steal a kiss.

"Tell me again."

"I love you so much." I whispered.

"I love you too."


I dropped Britt off at the house, and then I continued straight to the church. I had some things I needed to do. Time with the family would be all I did for the next few days, but I needed to honor my deal with Walker.

After I fucked Sofia, we had a long talk about how I used sex as a means to an end, just to fill a void. I told her about Sugar, Marco, the escorting, and how I got pregnant with Isaac. She didn't judge me. She looked me directly in the eye and made me promise that if I ever had reckless sex, that I'd take my ass straight to a meeting.

Reckless equals meeting...it's a deal that goes both ways, and I'm glad she called me out.

While I loved Ari, the sex had meant nothing to me...there was a brief moment where I was open to allowing it to mean something, but Ari had shut me down, thankfully. Her knowledge of me set me right back on track.

I had admitted it to Britt on the way to the house that I needed to take care of this.

The pride in her eyes was more than I could handle. I just kissed her and slapped her ass before pulling back out of the driveway.

I knew people would have questions. I mean, hadn't I done this exact thing the day before?

They needed to trust me, and this was just a part of that.

I went straight to the church, parked, and sent two texts.

I'm here. Meeting starts in 5 minutes. I'll be straight home after-Ana

Thanks for this morning. I owe myself two meetings for doing two reckless things, going to one now.-Santana

Sex?-Walker

Yup.-Santana

Quinn?-Walker

Ari and I already told Britt.-Santana

Good. One step at a time, you got this!-Walker

I laughed when Britt sent me a response pic of her with my whole family in the background, all of them making suspicious faces.

They want Breadstix, and so do I.-B

Order and I'll pick it up on my way home!-Ana

Perfect! Mom and Dad are on the way over with the kids. Izzy loves pesto and breadsticks! Gotta get extra.-B

I know he does, Mami's boy. GTG, see you soon! xoxo-Ana


When I walked into the meeting, I was nearly knocked over by the force of a hug.

"Fuck!" I growled, and Rachel jumped back.

"Sorry, I just missed you!"

"Thanks, Berry. I um...missed you?"

"I know you're not my biggest fan, but I came back today. My dad's are talking divorce. I bought wine."

"Did you drink it?"

"I was close." From the look of her, she was more than close, but I was going to let her tell me.

"Well, it's good to see you came here instead."

"It's even better because you are the one who convinced me to get sober. I'm so glad you're here!"

"Me too. Can we sit now, or do you need to tell me more?"

"We can sit."

"Thank God!"

Even though I came off as annoyed, when I sat there, and Rachel took my hand, hers way too sweaty...I knew that God was smirking.

I hadn't planned on coming here, but obviously, divine intervention interceded.

Having her there while Walker was in Columbus helped way more than I would ever admit.

I squeezed her sweaty hand and then let it go, choosing instead to loop my arm through hers.

"We're gonna be okay, Berry."

"I hope so."

"Claim it, trust me. It helps."

"I'm going to be okay."

"Good girl."

She went silent, and then, just as the group leader started talking, she whispered to me. "I didn't know bottoms said that." And I swear on everything, I wanted to snatch her wig, but instead, I just decided to ignore her.

I was not a bottom.

And then I just couldn't help myself, "I hear you're bumping uglies with Puckerman, that true?"

She got pale and stared straight ahead.

"Okay, I see that what I said was out of line and none of my business." She hiccupped, and I just knew...Finn had said it best, she was the needy, clingy drunk.

"How much wine did you drink, Berry?"

"Whole bottle." She said, the hiccups continuing. "Disappointed?"

"No. I'm glad you came here instead of having another." I got up, poured a cup of coffee, and then handed it to her when I sat down. "Drink that and promise me you'll come back."

"Thanks, Santana. I will."

"Good. It's gonna be okay, Rachel, we're all a work in progress."