BEFORE LOVE CAME TO KILL US (Jessie Reyez)
Brittany's POV
She doesn't love me like she used to...some of this is an obligation. I could see it in her eyes.
After her shower sex with Ari, she did her makeup, and her eyes were brighter.
The sex with someone other than me had reignited her passion, even if it was shorter than any time we'd been together.
I'd walked into the apartment and followed the sound of her moans. At first, I thought she was just rubbing one out, it's not like I was giving her any love, but I was so very wrong.
I opened the door just slightly, then I heard the little growls and grunts of another person.
"Fuck, Ari...right there."
"Like that?"
"Yes, fuck!"
My chest got tight. I pulled the door closed softly and then went to the living room and let loose on a pillow, punching it with every bit of energy I had.
The tears, though, wouldn't come.
All I could do was try to figure out why this had happened again and with Ari! I'd been occupied with Grady, but I had still seen the way that she looked at Gloria like no one else mattered. What was this?
None of it made any sense.
I filled a glass of water in the sink and faced the wall as I tried to get my head together. The bathroom door opened, and then there were barefooted steps into the kitchen.
"Brittany?" Ari said. I glanced at her and saw that she had pulled on her clothes over her wet body. Her curls stuck to her face, and her lips were swollen. Ana had been in the mood to bite, which meant she was feeling herself.
This wasn't desperate. Ana had been into it.
I gripped tight to the glass, careful not to break it.
"Can you leave, please?"
"Britt, it meant nothing. It was just comfort, I swear."
"I can't be any nicer, please?" My voice was harsh.
She didn't say another word. She just grabbed her coat, shoved on her shoes, and left.
When I heard the shower turn off, I felt tears coming, so I went into the kids' room to get myself together.
I buried my face into Izzy's Elmo and let the tears out. I'd hurt her. I'd been so obsessed with everything and everyone around her that I pushed her away.
She loved me.
I couldn't crucify her for this, especially not after she was at my side through all the shit that happened post-Grady.
She earned my devotion, and I had treated her like shit.
If she needed to fuck away her hurt, then she could. I wouldn't stop her because sex was just something she did. It was like scratching an itch. She didn't love those people.
She loved me.
I wiped my eyes and took a million deep breaths before heading out to the kitchen.
When I saw her coming down the hall, she looked down at her phone, when she saw me.
Shame.
Hurt.
Fear.
I hated that she was afraid of me, but that was also something that was my fault.
I regretted many things since her 18th birthday when I thought it would be fun to surprise her with the Juilliard audition. How could she think I wouldn't go to her big party?
If only I hadn't been so secretive, she would have planned her day differently, or maybe she would have come with us.
There are so many times that I wish I could go back and change, but they lead to things I don't think I could live without, like Izzy.
If I had dragged her out of that party instead of storming out, she would not have gotten pregnant.
Same with Dani, if I hadn't been fucking around with Frankie, she wouldn't have felt so comfortable trading sex for her divorce.
Even now, I pissed her off so much that she ran away from me, to Cleveland, and now this.
How could I even be mad at her?
When she left me at the house with the family, everyone had questions, but I relied on my reputation as a space cadet. A saying that I always thought was dumb, you have to be super smart to become a space cadet, so why do people use that on dumb people?
Maybe everyone is calling me a genius like Ana does?
No, that can't be it. I'm sure they're offending me.
She's the only one, other than my family, who knows I'm not stupid.
Either way, I sent the silly text about the food and then shut myself in the den.
Once I was alone, all I wanted to do was scream.
But I didn't; instead, I picked up Quackers, crawled into bed, and pretended to sleep until it became real.
Every single dream was about Grady and our little caramel drop of a baby.
A baby I'd never see.
Or hold.
Or smell.
Or know.
My fault.
I kept crying out for him to not make me do it, but then there was the sickly smell of lemons.
The sucking noise.
And the cold.
But then I was warm.
The dreams fizzled out, and I was safe.
"Hello? Yes, this is she...you're kidding? How bad?" I woke up to Ana's hushed conversation. I was staring at the wall, just listening and trying to hold onto that feeling of safety that I had felt moments before. Maybe she had been holding me before the call came in? "Okay, thanks for letting me know. I appreciate it. Right, of course. Happy Thanksgiving to you too."
I was taking deep breaths, trying to push past the panic that was starting to rise up. Then I was being spooned, her arm was around my waist, and she was kissing my shoulder.
"Did I wake you?" She muttered.
"Yeah."
"I'm sorry."
"It's fine. Were you smoking again?" I asked, and she got stiff. I gripped her arm before she could pull away from me. I had caught her just in time, and her body relaxed. She kissed my neck and shoulder again.
"Yeah. I had a rough time when I first got back here. The family took all their disappointment out on me. I needed to step out and get my head together."
"Are you okay?"
"Well...I was. I came in here and snuggled with you, which helped me feel a lot better until the phone rang."
"Good. What happened on the call?"
"The roof caved in on the lakehouse. So much for our getaway next week."
"Wow. I'm glad it happened when we weren't there."
"Me too."
"Do you need to call someone?"
"I have half a mind to let it burn to the ground. I'll call the insurance company in a bit, for now...I need to talk to you about it earlier. Can you look at me?"
She was insistent, and I knew that there was no pushing past it, so I rolled over and looked into her eyes.
Her makeup was still flawless. The smell of smoke, though, was stronger now that we were almost nose to nose.
"You smoked more than one?" I asked, and she rolled her eyes.
"Three."
"Are you trying to kill yourself?" I blurted out, and she pulled away a little.
"No."
"Are you trying to kill Izzy?" I felt the tears coming then, her eyes got wide, and she shook her head.
"Of course not!"
"Are you sure because it feels like you've been trying to kill him since he was in your belly?" I don't know where that came from, but I could tell that I had pushed a step too far.
"Fuck you, B. I love our son with all of my heart."
"Then stop smoking, please?"
"Okay, I'm sorry...just...can you not throw that shit in my face? I'm an addict...I wasn't thinking about him being a real baby when I was doing that shit. Where is this coming from?"
"How can I trust that you'll take care of my babies?"
"Oh B, I'll be so much better, I swear."
"You swear?"
Her tell...at least it used to be, she had a new one now. The fear that filled me at the thought of her wasting my eggs by taking terrible care of herself through a pregnancy made me ache. It was like learning I wouldn't have biological children for a second time.
"I promise, I will treat any future pregnancies like gold. I'll eat right. I'll do whatever needs to be done. I promise you, Britt Britt."
"You've lied before."
I broke against her, burying my face against her chest and sobbing out all the hurt and fear that I had been holding.
She stopped being stiff again and just held me, kissing my hair and face.
Santana's POV
Her cries were so painful, fuck.
With every sob, my heart was tearing apart more and more. Shit.
This wasn't a talk about it kind of promise. This was a be about it promise.
I had to show her.
She was soaking my shirt. Her fingers hurt as they dug into my side, but I just kept holding her.
The roof caving in was a sign. That much was obvious. I needed to be with Britt now, not in a week or when we figured ourselves out, now.
Right then, I was just going to hold my best friend.
I was all that she needed. That's what she'd said more than once during this whole ordeal.
Her body trembled, so I reached down and pulled the blanket over us.
"I'm here, B. Let it out, I'm not going anywhere."
She cried harder.
I felt them deep down, the tears that I had been holding back for too long. It only took about ten minutes of her tears for mine to come.
My body was shaking as I tried to let her have this moment. Her fingers moved from digging in my side to rubbing my back.
"I'm here, baby." She said, lifting her face to look at me. She pressed her forehead to mine. "I miss us. How can we be friends again, like real ones?"
Her words made me smile.
She wasn't fully broken like everyone thought.
My Britt Britt was still in there.
"We have to want it bad enough."
"I do, do you?"
"I do."
"Can we go home, to your place...as a family. That's all I want."
"Say less, B."
Once we were done weeping into each other's arms, we climbed from the bed and slowly began packing up her stuff. She kissed my face whenever she got the chance, and I kissed hers constantly.
We'd be okay...eventually.
I held onto her hand as we made our way into the kitchen.
Everyone was sitting around, prepping food for the holiday and drinking.
Mami was in the center of it all with Daniela in her lap.
I straightened my jacket and went over to her, "Can I talk to you for a second?" I asked; there was a pause in the general conversation, but I didn't look to anyone but my mother.
"Sure, Mi'ja."
Britt and I followed Mami out to the foyer, Daniela reached for B, and she hesitated for a moment but then seemed to convince herself that she needed to do this. When Daniela was in her arms, both of them brightened. The baby pressed wet, sloppy kisses to Britt's cheek. I couldn't help but snap a few pictures; we'd need a record that she could still smile.
"What's going on?" Mami asked.
"We're going back to the apartment and taking the kids. This is all a bit overwhelming with B just getting out of the hospital. I think we need some family time."
"Of course, go have family time. Everyone is staying here tonight, we are going to start making pasteles, and you know how long that takes. Let me know if you need anything."
"Thanks, Ma...for everything." Britt said. Mami smirked and pressed a palm to Britt's face. It was comical to see Britt have to lean over so much so that my mother could reach her.
"That's my job, to be a good mom to you both. Take care of each other."
Brittany's POV
The kids were excited to be reunited with their room; when I put Izzy down, he ran towards his Elmo pile. Dani followed along, in love with her big brother and happy to be able to run around.
Ana was moving around in the kitchen, reheating our portion of the Breadstix and muttering to herself.
I popped my head from the room to check on her and could see that she was actually whispering into the phone.
"Who are you talking to?" I called out, not expecting her to answer, but she mumbled something and then put the phone to her chest.
"Three-way with your dad and Walker. The lakehouse falls under our property management. In exchange, they both get to use it. Walker is talking your dad through submitting the claim."
"Oh, okay. Will you be done soon?"
She looked confused for a second, but then she put the phone to her ear and said plainly.
"Hey, I need to go have some family time with B and the kids. Do you need me for anything else?" She nodded. "The lock is a combo lock, no need for keys. The combo is 0112."
She smirked at me. The combo was our wedding anniversary, the real one. When she ended the call, I stormed over to her and kissed her with everything I had. She moaned and kissed me back. It gave me pause that something about the kiss felt different.
All of the kisses since we started kissing again felt like kissing someone new. I didn't know if I had changed or she had.
When I pulled away, she looked dazed and had this dopey grin on her face.
"We don't kiss the same." I blurted out, and her happy face turned a bit.
"Huh?"
"It's like I'm kissing someone else. I can't figure out if it's because Grady kissed so much be...different than you." I corrected and watched her whole world shatter.
"Better? Was that what you were going to say?"
"I don't want to fight, okay? I'm sure one of the hundreds of people you have slept with was better than me. Ari, for instance." What was wrong with me? We were happy!
She put on that HBIC glare that always turned me on. She poked her finger against my chest and made sure to dig her nail in.
"Even if any of those 133 people kissed better than you, I wouldn't ever tell you...do you know why?"
"That's not hundreds." I muttered, and she tilted her head like she was getting ready to tear me down. She'd asked a question. "Um, why?"
"Because when I am with someone, whoever they are, I try to be with them and just them. Only I never can because no matter how fucking good they are, all I can think about is you."
"Oh. I'm sorry."
"Not yet, you're not. If you ever bring up that fucker mcfuckerson concerning me, we are done."
"Done?"
"Yes, I don't compare you to anyone. Not Marco, who was a demon but a good fuck, or Quinn, who is totally psychotic for me to be with but is a good fuck, or Ari, who loves me like it's the end of the world and fucks me into a coma. Don't even get me started on the way Sugar dominates me like it's the only thing she was put on Earth to do." I flinched, she'd made her point, and I was near tears.
"Please, stop. I'll never bring him up again if you just stop." I whimpered, and she nodded, looking way too smug.
"Look, B, there are only so many restarts that we can do in this relationship. We've done nothing but hurt each other for two years, and I'm tired of it, I want this to work, so I need you to be all in with me or not at all. If you talk about him, that's fine. I get it, you loved him, but the comparison shit is off the table for me. I've had good sex, I've been satisfied, but none of that matters because none of them are you."
"Okay, I'm sorry. That won't happen again."
"And another thing, I didn't sleep with hundreds of people. It was 133."
"Did I call you a slut again?"
"Pretty much."
"But I thought you liked it when I called you my little slut, though...you get all excited during sexy times."
"Sex is different. That's our time to explore and play, but in normal everyday conversation, we keep that shit out of it."
"What if we are talking about sexy times?"
"Like how?"
I leaned in and kissed her neck, then just behind her ear before whispering low, "I miss how good of a slut you are for me. I like how you kneel for me and the way you moan. I like when you're my little slut. I miss your body and the way it does exactly what I want. Don't you want to be mine and mine only, baby?"
I pulled away, and that dazed look was back in her eyes, so that was okay.
So not in anger then. I could do that.
"Yes." She said.
There were running footsteps behind me, and I pulled away from her to look down.
Izzy was holding Dani's hand.
"Hungy!" He said, then he rubbed his tummy.
"Eat." Dani said, and Ana grinned.
"Well, I guess we should feed them. What do you think?" She asked me.
"They can eat now, and I'll eat later." I slapped her ass, and she stood there, stuck. I grinned and then scooped up the kids, plopping them down in their high chairs. "Chop-Chop, baby!" I said, and Ana just nodded.
I'm at the apartment. I forgot my pills, can you bring them?-Brittany
"B? What are you doing?" Ana came into the kitchen, where I was supposed to be washing dishes, and put her hands on her hips. "I just gave those two terrors baths and a snack. All I asked was for you to clean the kitchen."
I could tell that she wasn't outraged, but she was trying to be.
Honesty was important. She was trying to keep us both from spiraling; I had to help her. I couldn't give her any reason to think that we couldn't make this restart work.
My phone buzzed, and I looked down at it.
Sure thing, do you need anything else?-Dad
Yes, can you bring my black bin from the back of my closet? Don't look inside!-Brittany
Would it gross me out if I asked what's inside?-Dad
Yes.-Brittany
I sent the message and then handed the phone over to Ana.
She scowled as she took the phone but then she read it. "Oh, meds are important."
"They are."
"Wait, the black bin." She looked at me with wide eyes. "B...that's...I thought you were supposed to be taking it slow?"
"I will; my pain isn't bad anymore. Everything I feel is inside my heart and head stuff."
"What if he peaks inside?"
"He won't."
"How do you know that? Oh God, this is embarrassing." She put her hand to her head.
"It has a combination lock on it, from your old gym locker. It's the only thing I took when we graduated."
"Oh."
"So, go finish getting them ready for bed. I'll clean up out here, then tonight...we play." I flirted, feeling like I needed to reclaim her. After Grady and now Ari and whoever else, we needed to get back on the same page with our trust. I had just the thing.
Dad showed up when I was vacuuming the living room, he used his key, and I glared at him for it.
I put my hand out, and he shook his head.
"I had to lug that heavy bin up these steps, and I knocked several times, but you didn't hear me. I get that you two want your privacy. I respect that and won't use the key again without express permission. Still, as the super of this building, I need access to all the apartments."
"Fine." He handed me a duffel bag and then put the bin next to the recliner. "Thanks."
"Your mother is in the car. She's demanding that I take her to the Rage Cage and for ice cream."
"Hey, Dad's here!" Ana came out of the room with Dani in her arms, a blanket was thrown over the both of them. It was crazy how comfortable she was with feeding Dani while doing other things...including hugging my father. He didn't seem fazed by it either.
"Your wife is giving me a hard time for using my key. She was vacuuming. It's not my fault she didn't hear me."
"Go easy on him, B. He's the reason that this building is about to make me a profit when I start renting it out in January."
"Wait, this apartment?" I asked, feeling blindsided.
"Yup."
"But it's ours."
"I know."
"But...why would you do that?"
"Because Walker is getting a divorce, and she will need a place to stay. I don't trust anyone more than her to take care of this apartment. It will be great since Charlie is starting at McKinley next fall. We don't need this place. Trust me."
"But...it's your first apartment."
"I'll still own it."
A horn sounded really loud, and Dad stiffened. "That's your mother."
"Wait, she didn't come up and say hi?" Ana said, looking hurt.
"No. We are supposed to be giving you two some space, and I've already overstayed. Have a good night. I love you both."
Santana's POV
Isaac was already down for the count. He'd had a day with his cousins and now both his moms. All the excitement had exhausted him, so about ten minutes after his jammies were on and Elmo was going on their tv, he passed out, but Daniela was 100% Marco and me...a complete night owl.
A bottle didn't help, warm applesauce just made her giddy, and Elmo was boring to her. There was only one surefire way to get her to sleep through the night, and it was the very thing that I was trying to get her to stop doing.
Breastfeeding.
When I lifted my shirt, she clapped her hands together, and I rolled my eyes.
"You're insatiable." I muttered, and as if she knew what that meant, she giggled. I latched her on, and she gripped my boob with her little fists, adding to the pain of her teeth against my nipple. "Keep biting, and you'll have blood to go with your milk, kid."
Seeing Rob bickering with B was amusing. I had no problem with him having a key and using it. I needed to have that awareness that I could be interrupted at any moment. It kept me from feeling like I could lock myself in here and bury my nose in a mountain of cocaine.
Once he was gone, Britt went back to vacuuming, and the bite to my nipple nearly knocked me to my knees. Now that there was most definitely blood, she seemed to be sucking harder. This kid was either a sadist or a vampire. The jury was out.
"Shit!" B's head snapped towards me.
"Are you okay?"
"She's scared of the vacuum." I groaned, and B stopped.
"I don't need to do this right now."
"The damage is done. You might as well finish."
"No. I love your nipples. I don't want her to bite it off. I'll just start looking through the bin."
I felt hot at the prospect of her opening that bin...ever since Ari had gotten me going, I had been soaked.
When she realized there was no impending noise, Daniela stopped gripping my boob so tight.
I moved the blanket and checked in on her.
Her eyes were barely open as she casually sucked.
"This one is almost done. Take that bin to the room." I looked up at the smoke detector. My sister had been busy while I was at my meeting. The light was back. "See that light up there?"
Britt looked up.
"Yeah."
"Camera."
"Oh. So no sexy time out here?"
"No more sex tapes, B. Especially not ones that my sisters or mom could possibly see."
"Fine...ya boring." She said before sticking out her tongue.
"You say that now, but that bin says otherwise."
Now it was her turn to blush. Good.
After getting Daniela in bed, I went straight to the shower.
I was not surprised when the curtain was pulled back as I washed my hair. Britt was jealous of Ari being in here with me. The shower and the bathtub were our things; I had hoped that she would show up, which is why I was taking my sweet time.
"Hey, baby." I said before stepping under the water. I watched Britt watching me while I washed the soap out of my hair. "Coming in?"
She looked like she was going to start drooling any second. We'd come a long way from her being depressed in the bathtub the day before. The bruising was still there, but she seemed less self-conscious about it.
"Where did she do it?" She asked. I pointed to the back wall, and she nodded her head towards it. "Go over there, face the wall."
"Okay."
Once I was facing the wall, the curtain closed, and she was standing pressed against me. I moaned when her hands massaged my hips.
"Are you hurting at all?"
"No. She was g-" I began to say, but then she was pushing a ballgag between my lips.
So that's the kind of night she wanted.
It'd been a while.
Since before Marco.
"No comparisons. Understand." I nodded. "Good, put your foot up on the ledge." I lifted up my leg and dropped my forehead forward when her fingers slid into me. I was grateful then for something to bite into. The last thing I wanted was to wake the kids with my moans.
Britt was gentle but firm as she worked me to the edge before starting all over again.
I trembled and threw my ass back at her touch, but she wouldn't push me past that edge.
It was fucking infuriating, but I needed to trust her.
That's what this was about, and I hated to love it.
But fuck if I did.
This was the old Brittana, just us playing around without worrying.
My mind was slipping into a space of total submission. I leaned back against her when she reached around to rub my clit and reveled in the way she held me there with her arm around my middle.
"I need us to get back to this...to where you trusted me with your body. Back to when you trusted me to know what you needed, but after I nearly killed you, I know that this sexy time is only the beginning of your trust. Sex is just sex for you...even with me." I nodded as she took me towards the edge. "Which is why we need to go back to this...me working you up to trust little by little. After this...you'll do what you need to do for me to start trusting you with me again." I nodded again, even though my mind was barely hanging on.
Cards up...all trust.
That's what she was asking for, and that was something I was finally mature enough to give.
I could be transparent now; it was necessary for my life now. Rehab had stripped me down and made me comfortable with being open. I wasn't the one to worry about...she was.
My mind had drifted, and a quick swat to my inner thigh brought me right back.
Brittany's POV
I got so lost in her whimpers and moans that I nearly forgot to let her orgasm. When she finally came, she dropped back against me and nuzzled my neck.
Normally, I'd carry her, but I was nervous to try.
"Baby, I can't lift you." I kissed her neck, and she nodded. I watched her shakily step out of the shower and then stumble out of the bathroom. She looked back at me, wanting to talk, and I smirked at her. "Keep that in...I'm not done with you yet. Go dry off and get in bed."
I watched her walk away and then turned the shower back on, cleaning myself quickly before following her into the room.
By the time that I got to her, she was lying there, asleep.
I dug back into the bin and pulled out a soft black paddle, and twirled it in my hand.
She'd been through hell with Marco since we'd last used this, so I knew I had to be careful.
Being in that den had started a shit show of emotions and sent her to Cleveland, so I wasn't going to make her feel overwhelmed like that again.
I trailed the paddle down her back, and she let out a moan.
"Baby?"
"Hmm?"
"I got the paddle. Do you want me to use it?"
She lifted her head and peered back at me, then at the paddle, she shrugged. "Mmmhmm." She wiggled her ass, and I knew that I was in the clear.
With her approval, I used it, but I was careful not to hit her too hard. With each slap, she'd groan and then give me a wiggle again.
I went on like this until her ass turned red.
When I touched it, the skin burned, but she let out a loud groan.
Approval.
I slid my fingers into her, and she backed up, resting on her knees to give me more access.
My heartfelt so happy. She was just giving herself to me without hesitating. I didn't feel like I deserved this much trust, but obviously, she did.
I promised myself then that I would cherish each bit of trust that she gave me.
Even if I didn't feel like I deserved it.
By the time that I took the gag off of her, I'd given her at least four orgasms. I spooned her and kissed her shoulder.
"Go pee, baby."
"Don't wanna."
"But you have to. You don't want a UTI again, do you?"
"That was one time." She muttered, hugging a pillow to her chest.
"Yes, because you always make sure to pee."
She threw the pillow and rolled from the bed, her eyes barely open as she stumbled back to the bathroom.
When she came back, she was brushing her teeth and held out a toothbrush for me.
I guess I brought that on myself.
We stood in front of the bathroom mirror, leaning against each other while we brushed. She was effortlessly beautiful. I'd always felt prettier by just standing next to her. It was just who she was, a light that highlighted all of my dark places.
And I loved her.
So fucking much.
After rinsing our mouths, she turned towards me and pressed a kiss to my lips. Her fingers traced up and down my side. It made me giggle.
"I love you." I whispered.
"Yeah, I know."
"Hey!"
"I love you too, B."
"Promise?" I held up my pinky, and she wrapped hers around mine then lifted her other pinky.
"Double time."
Santana's POV
For the first time since rehab, I slept in.
Britt got up with the kids and made breakfast while I lounged in bed making calls.
Walker called me to discuss plans to make plans.
Mami called me to come to finish packing.
And Z called me because apparently, I hadn't been clear about working hours during the holidays.
Pretty much, I had shit to deal with, and I couldn't take a day off.
Not yet.
Britt, though, seemed content to veg.
"Go be a super businesswoman. I have babies to bond with."
"Are you sure?" I asked when I finally rolled out of bed to eat the pancakes that she'd made me.
"Positive. This is what parents are supposed to do, support each other. If I need anything, I'll just bother my parents."
"Okay. I'm heading to the Lima Bean to talk with the staff and Walker in the spirit of accountability. Then we will hit up a meeting before going to the strip mall to talk to the owners there. Then if I'm up for it, I'll food shop. It's a crazy week to do it because of Thanksgiving, but our fridge is looking bare."
"Oh, cool! Then I can cook for you again."
"Actually, B, I've got a pizza craving a mile wide."
"Then I'll order pizza."
"Perfect."
When I saw Walker, I almost didn't recognize her. Gone were her long locks replaced with a shaggy pixie cut but like, the lesbian adult one. It made her face stand out.
"You look beautiful." I said, and then I pulled her into a hug. She squeezed me back and then patted my ass, I let out a hiss, and she smirked.
"Don't flirt. Is your ass okay?"
"Yeah...had a fun night." I said, and her smile got even bigger.
"Nice. You needed it. You have been so whiny since I made you stop fucking Sofia."
"I have needs."
"Don't we all."
"So what brings you back from Columbus?"
"Charlie, he left his skateboard, and his cousins are all being stingy little douchebags. So I said fuck it, I needed to see you anyway...so I'm here, getting him his board."
"Why didn't you just buy him a new one?"
"Something about the tires needing to be broken in, I don't know, the kid was adamant, and Parker invited Heather, so she's in Columbus."
"Which is why you're here."
"Exactamundo."
"And the haircut?"
"Heather hates women with short hair."
"Say less." I chuckled.
After ordering food, we sat in a booth, and Walker pulled out an outline.
"I took the liberty of drawing up some questions to make writing out your business plan a cinch."
"About that, what's the policy about vacation time here?"
"We always closed early on Thanksgiving and opened early the day after. We closed on Christmas morning, open in the afternoon."
"Okay, I like that."
"Good because it's kinda late to make a change. What are you doing for the Rage Cage?"
"No idea."
"Do you have people who want to work?"
"Yeah, Z says there's a girl who asked for extra hours since she can't make it home for the holiday."
"I say you should stay open that night, send her dinner, and maybe pop in with the family for ice cream. It's cold outside, but you have the Lima Bean hot chocolate at your disposal."
"The expensive shit?"
"Yeah. I was thinking of having some cross-training the two businesses. It would be cool to have coffee and hot chocolate that advertises your other business."
"That's genius."
"I know."
How's it going, baby?-B
Good. Just left my meeting. Heading to the Rage Cage. How are you?-Ana
Good. Kids just ate and are down for a nap. Quinn is here studying and talking my ear off about Ceily-B
Eww.-Ana
It's good. It's the first time w/o pity-B
Progress! I miss you!-Ana
I miss you too!-B
My butt hurts-Ana
Sorry :(-B
I've had worse from you ;)-Ana
Really? So I needed to do more?-B
No! That was a nice start.-Ana
You'll let me know if you need more?-B
Wiggle Wiggle-Ana
;)-B
Brittany's POV
By the time Ana got home, I was exhausted and more than grateful that Quinn insisted on taking the kids for the night.
I was able to do some laundry and finish the vacuuming that I had started the night before.
After cleaning, I was super sweaty and was tempted to wait for Ana to come home to repeat our shower, but I had different plans.
The next day we'd be going to her mom's for Thanksgiving and then hopefully, going to Chicago for the weekend.
I had already planned ongoing with Ari, but she hasn't answered my calls, so now I think that I should just ask my wife on a date.
We've never done Chicago as a couple, so I spent my time after my shower getting all the facts together to hopefully convince her that we should go.
But when she got home, her face was sad, and her makeup was a mess. She'd been crying again.
"Hey, what's going on? We just texted like two hours ago!"
"I um...had a video chat with Doc, it was a heavy session." I pulled her into a tight hug and felt relieved when she relaxed against me.
"What can I do to make it better?"
"I dunno, where are my babies?"
"Across the hall with Q. She insisted."
"But...but...they've barely seen me today."
"Okay, but neither have I."
She shrugged and nodded. "Fair point."
"How about you go take off those clothes, and I'll get a bubble bath started for you?"
"Can it be for us?"
"Sure, baby...whatever you need. I gotchu!" She grinned, and I poked my finger into her dimple. "You're cute."
"I know."
There was no way we were going to talk about Chicago. Maybe we could go another day, let my parents have the tickets or my cousins...here was where we needed to be, taking it moment by moment.
Normally when we are in the tub, I sit in the back and hold Ana, but this time around, she insisted on holding me.
"But why?" I whined.
"You said today, you'd start working on trust...I need you to trust that I've got your back, B."
So I did. I sat there and let her soap up my back and shoulders, then she rinsed me off and pulled me close.
"Thanks."
"Tell me what you need, Britt Britt. What is it that I'm not giving you that you keep looking for?"
I tensed up, but she just held me. "You sure you wanna know?"
"I am."
"This...you don't take care of me like I take care of you."
"I'll do better."
"Do you know how?"
"If you teach me, then I'll know."
"Oh, right, okay."
"So, what is it you wanted to talk about?" She asked, and I did tense this time.
"How'd you know?"
"I could see it in your eyes when I got home, you were all amped up to talk to me about something, and I rained all over your parade."
"Yeah, you did."
I hummed Rain on My Parade, and she giggled.
"I could sing that song ten times better than Berry, for the record."
"I know, baby."
"Tell me."
"I wanted to talk about Chicago, I thought we could have a whole date night and do the nutcracker, but now, I don't know...maybe we could go another time."
"Why'd you change your mind?"
"My gut just tells me that we should stay home...that you need to be here."
"Look at me." I turned to look at her. Those beautiful browns were staring deep at me. "For our wedding anniversary, we'll fly to Chicago and go big."
"We'll fly? Does that mean you're coming back home?"
"It does."
This time, I turned completely. This was too big of a conversation to have without seeing her. "When?"
"Walker has convinced me that the sooner, the better would be good. She wants to start the new year fresh, in a new apartment, with a new job, and moving over winter break would be best. I agreed."
"But we don't have a place."
"I know."
"Where will we go?"
"I have a few virtual appointments coming up. There's a few penthouses that I think would be perfect, but I'm going to need your help picking it out."
"Really?!" I was so excited.
"Yup."
"Sweet. What about furniture? Can I help pick that too?"
"Yeah, B. This will be our home...yours and mine that we pick together, every single step."
"Thanks, Ana banana."
Santana's POV
Lima got hit with a blizzard on Thanksgiving night, which meant that we were snowed in at my father's house and couldn't make it back to the apartment.
My sisters had put on Marc Anthony and decided that it was a great time pack.
Like the wise person that I am, I decided that no one could clear out the treehouse like I could.
When it had been built, Papi had them install a roof that went from our house to the treehouse, which meant that the snow wasn't in the way.
"Are you sure about this?" Britt asked me from inside my old bedroom.
"Yeah. It won't take long for some stupid teenagers to find their way up to the abandoned treehouse behind an empty house."
"So what difference does it make if you take the stuff out?"
"Memories, B. I don't want them touching my shit."
"Fine, be quick. I'll be in here boxing up the last of your closet."
"Okay."
I wrapped the coat tight around myself and made the jump to the porch of the treehouse. I stooped down and pushed open the door. It had been forever since I had been in here, maybe since Ian's funeral two years before.
The squirrels had left nuts on the blanket fort, and a few field mice had begun to tear at the fabric curtains. I started there, taking down the curtains in one of the two windows.
My chest got tight as I pulled the fabric down. I bit down on my lip and folded the curtain before tossing it onto the pallet on the floor. My mouth was dry, so I turned my back and went to the other window, and started the process over again.
There were bands around my lungs as the panic attack hit me.
Fuck.
I leaned back against the wall and tried to get myself together, but it was useless. My body was shaking, and I wasn't sure if it was from the winter cold or the drugs lining the windowsills.
There was so much.
Marco had never given me the coke that I bought off of him...the stuff inside the piano all that time ago wasn't even all of it...this was, though.
Time was only a concept as I kept myself in place, too afraid of what the addict in me would do if I moved.
I heard the creak of the bedroom windows, and I wiped at my face, the tears that tracked down my cheeks stung.
"Baby? It's been like an hour, are you okay?" Britt's voice was just on the other side of the wall on the porch. She pushed the door open, and I didn't move. "What are you doing? Are you crying? What's wrong?"
I looked at her, and the only thing that left me was a sob. I was hunched over with my hands on my knees as I tried catching my breath.
"Sorry sorry sorry." I muttered.
She looked around, and then I heard her gasp.
"What the fuck?!"
"I didn't...I can't m-move. F-Fuck!" My stutter surfaced, and I sobbed harder.
"Okay, come on...just a hop back into the room...look at me!" She snapped, and I looked up at her, there was fear in her eyes, but she was taking charge. "I got you, Ana. Do you hear me?"
I nodded. "Mmmhmm."
"You go first, come on."
I nodded as she helped me stand all the way, then I left the treehouse and stood on the edge of the porch. The little jump seemed much bigger now, like miles bigger. I turned back against B and buried my face against her chest.
She didn't try to make me; instead, she put her hand under my butt, stretched those long fucking legs, and carried me over the distance to the window frame. Once we were standing on the window bench inside my room, she yanked the window closed.
The light was still on in the treehouse, but that was the least of her concern.
I had withdrawn, and I knew it. Britt, though, had been in this darkness way too recently not to understand.
"I'm sorry." I whispered. "So sorry."
"Did you take any?" She asked me, her eyes searching mine.
"No."
"You didn't touch it?"
"No."
"Okay. Good. I believe you, okay."
"Yeah."
"I n-need a m-meeting." I shook, and she just nodded, like there wasn't a blizzard outside, and we could just go. Instead, she sat me down on the edge of my bed and pulled out her phone.
The sound of Walker's voice was immediate.
"Uh...Brittany?"
"I know it's Thanksgiving. I wouldn't have called you if it wasn't important."
"Yeah, I know. What's going on?"
"She needs a meeting, and the snow has shut everything down."
"Oh, okay, let me step away...give me a second. Did something happen?"
I started sobbing again while I thought about the coke and everything that happened for it to exist.
Then I was thinking of Marco fucking me against the floor, pinning my broken arm to the ground.
My chest hurt as I cried.
"Yes. We were packing, and she found a lot of stuff...she's sober still, but she's scared." Britt said, and Walker was quiet for a long moment.
"Put her on."
Before handing me the phone, Britt crouched down and wiped at my cheeks. "Do you want me to stay here with you?"
"Don't l-leave me...it's...right there...stay?"
"I'm not going anywhere, I promise." She kissed me and then handed the phone over.
Britt sat by my side while I talked to Walker.
Her hand gripped mine while we said the serenity prayer, and I cycled through all of my fears, all while my family was downstairs partying.
"I was good. How can I got to Ne-New York like this?" I said to Walker after she'd talked me through my tears.
"You will be an addict no matter where you go, Santana. You just need to keep working at it, keep going to meetings and therapy. We all go through lows like this, this divorce has taken its toll, and it was meetings, talking to you, and keeping my routine that helped me keep moving."
"Me?"
"Yes. I was going to sell my part of the business and make a run for it with Charlie. God only knows where we would have ended up and if I would have stayed sober. I felt desperate. You grounded me by keeping me on as the supervisor over all the businesses. You are giving me a place to live that isn't dependent on Heather. You are giving me things to be accountable for. Britt, when she gets to New York, it will be on you to help her find things to be accountable for there...other than the kids. Trust me."
"Okay, I can do that."
"Good. Now, you should let Hector know so that he can take care of it. Santana needs to be on the opposite end of the house."
"Thanks, friend." I said to Walker, and she grinned.
"We're family now, sober buddies for life."
I burst out in laughter at her fist pump. The anxiety lifted a bit after hanging up with her.
"There's a dance party happening downstairs that I am not a part of." Britt said to me, looking outraged. "There's no way I can do it without my favorite dance partner, though."
"Me?" I squeaked.
"Forever and always, boo-boo."
Brittany's POV
I was freaking out inside. I had really started to forget just how much coke demolished her confidence when she was resisting it. She was fragile and shaking. I knew that I couldn't feed her to the wolves like this.
She looked like Izzy when he was in trouble, her eyes big and her lip trembling. At any other time, this would be adorable. Still, I knew she was terrified of losing progress or going back to rehab.
I pulled her into the bathroom and lovingly wiped her mascara tears away.
There was only one thing that made her feel confident in moments like this. "Look at me." I whispered.
"Sorry, B." She said.
I pushed my hand into her sweatpants, and her eyes got sharper. "Do you want me to stop?" I asked.
"No."
"I wish I could let you have me, but I'm still achy...but I don't mind making you mine as many times as I need to. You don't belong to coke. You belong to me." I growled, and she shivered as I pushed into her.
I watched, fascinated as she gave in to the good feelings flooding her body.
She gripped the countertop and threw her head back. I took that as an invitation and began to nibble along her collarbone and her neck.
"Fuck, harder, B...please?"
I wasn't sure what thing she meant. My hands were already cramping with the force I was using, but she pushed my face harder against her neck. So I bit down, and she groaned.
"You need pain?" I whispered.
"Yes...please?"
"I wish I had my paddle."
"Fuck, me too...just use your hand."
She leaned against me, giving me access to her ass.
As much crazy shit we had done in high school, we had never had a whole play session in this very bathroom.
While the music pulsed below us, I fucked her and spanked her until she was biting into a towel to muffle her screams.
By the time we got downstairs, more than one of her sisters was drunk, so they didn't notice the way I was practically carrying Ana down the steps.
Gladys, though was always aware of Ana these days.
She met us at the bottom of the stairs with a concerned look on her face.
"Everything okay?"
"Where's Hector?" I asked her, and she tilted her head towards the kitchen.
"We were having café in the kitchen. The kids are in Aden's office with Mari and Saul, watching movies...do you need him?"
She kept waiting for Ana to speak, but she wouldn't; instead, she had her head on my shoulder and held tight to my arm.
I leaned towards her ear, "Baby, you need to keep breathing and talk to your mom. She loves you."
She nodded, and then she opened her arms for her mom.
Gladys looked at me wide-eyed and then took Ana into her arms like she was her little girl again. The moment she was in Gladys' arms, she began crying again.
"Come into the kitchen, Mi'ja. I got you."
I followed behind them, and when we got into the kitchen, I slid the doors closed, shutting the four of us in.
"Hey, what's going on?" Hector said, standing when he saw my wife hanging off her mom.
When he saw there weren't any answers from the two of them, he looked at me.
"She was cleaning the treehouse when I realized she'd been gone for way longer than it should have; I went in after her. She had a panic attack. There a lot of cocaine up there. I don't think she was expecting it. We had a meeting with Walker already...can you get rid of it?"
Gladys looked furious, but Hector looked heartbroken. He hadn't really been around for the drug binges and Marco's abuse; finding out after he could really do anything made him upset when it came up.
"Absolutely; in the meantime, you two should stay down here tonight."
"No!" Ana snapped. Down here meant the den, and she was not about traumatizing herself anymore.
"Mi'ja, you can stay in the office, one of the couches pullout. Okay?"
She looked at me, and I nodded, so she relaxed. "Okay." She muttered.
Once Hector left me in the kitchen, I stood there watching as Gladys and Ana talked in hushed whispers, my wife breaking down every few seconds. She said something to her mom and then looked over at me.
"B...can you go check on the kids...I need to talk to my mom. Please?"
I remembered kicking her out of the den so that I could be with my dad and how she spiraled when really I just needed to have a moment to gather myself without worrying her. That must have been what she needed right at that moment too.
So I went over to her and kissed her face, then I got to eye-level.
"I will be right in the study with Mari and the kids, getting us set up for tonight. I love you, and I trust you, okay?"
"Okay."
"I'm proud of you for fighting however you could. You're a work in progress. I love you."
She leaned forward and kissed me again before giving me a shy smile.
We'd be okay even if it felt like the universe was out to get us.
Santana's POV
"I haven't seen you this broken down in a long time. I was hoping that I'd never see you like this again."
I buried my face in my arms on the countertop and listened to my mother fuss over me.
She insisted on giving me food and coffee, just like Abuela had always done.
I was too skinny. Even when I was pregnant, it was always you're too frail and weak. Mami had never phrased it that way, but Abuela sure did.
"It just...made me feel like I'll never be r-ready." I said, sitting up finally.
"Sometimes, you'll never be ready. You just gotta make a run for it."
"Huh? What happened to st-staying the course."
"Fuck that." I was taken back by her words. I sat up fully and took a long sip of my coffee. I really needed a cigarette to go with the coffee, but I didn't have any here, and I had promised B that I would stop.
"What are you saying?"
"You need to leave here when I do."
"Mami, that's in three days. I have obligations here."
"And you have money to fly back and forth if you need to. Walker has it under control, that's what you said."
"I know."
"You four need to get out of this town and get back to your lives."
"We don't have a home in New York, Mami. Remember?"
"Don't be ridiculous. You'll stay at your house until you find a place. You haven't even picked it up yet, so it's really us that don't have a home yet until you're cleared out."
"Right."
"So, pack it up and go home. You and Brittany can look for places together, you can go to your meetings right down the street, and you'll have Hector and me back you up with the kids. It's a win-win for everyone."
"Okay, I'll t-talk to B."
"Good."
I didn't stick around to see how Pa got rid of the coke; instead, I kissed Mami's face before heading down the hall to the study. My body was still shaking, but I knew it would pass.
After a few deep breaths, I pushed the doors open and had to stop short.
Papi's old desk was gone, and his bookshelves were empty.
The tears came back, but I quickly wiped them away when I saw Britt lying down on the pullout with both of the kids reading them a story.
Mari was on the other couch with baby Norah and Saul, all of them asleep.
I walked softly and crawled into the bed behind Isaac. He looked up at me and smiled before gripping my shirt in his little fist.
Message received, now that I was here, he expected me to stay put.
Britt kept on reading with an excited voice even though only Isaac was still awake. Daniela clung to Britt's side, drooling and snoring.
"We're moving back to New York on Sunday." I said to her, and she looked at me for only a second before nodding. Then she went back to the book like I had just told her water is wet.
Which she would argue, but that's beyond the point.
Isaac's hold lessened, and then he was snoring too.
Britt reached across our kids and touched my face. I looked at her and felt the shaking calm.
"What's the plan?"
"Moving back to the house until we find a place. It means living with Mami and Hector. Are you okay with that?"
"As long as it's temporary."
"It will be."
"Then it's fine. It's close to work and your meetings."
"I know."
"Will we be ready to move by then?"
"Yeah, I'll just get our stuff from the apartment moved here, then when we are ready, I'll get movers."
"Okay."
"You're not even going to fight it...not even a little?"
"Nope. A wise woman taught me to give temporary things permanent feelings."
"I said that?"
"No, Court did."
"That kid was wise beyond her years. I miss her."
"Me too."
"Will your parents be okay without us leaving?"
"Mom and Dad want us to go. They are staying in Lima for us. You gave dad the flexibility to move around, and with Court being buried back home, they want to be close to visit her grave more. They are supposed to be looking at places in Chicago near my grandparents this weekend."
"Oh. That's good, I guess...I didn't mean to keep them here."
"Don't do that, they were stuck here until they found work in Chicago, because of you, they don't have to worry about that."
"Thank you for being there for me tonight, B."
"I love you. I will always work as hard as I can to be there for you, just like you do for me."
"And thanks for...you know...helping me focus." I winked at her, and she blushed.
"My pleasure."
