Chapter 30:Make the World Go Away (Jamey Johnson ft. Alison Krauss)
Santana's POV
Thursday, April 9th, 2015
Hi Henry,
The sun isn't even up yet, but I just can't sleep. In my dreams, I had this ominous feeling that followed me into the waking world. When I woke up I stared at B for a while, then I went and watched my babies sleep.
Everyone is sleeping so peacefully, but that's not where my head is. Britt has hidden all the alcohol in the apartment but has left me my emergency cigarettes with the rule that I must take a shower right after.
She hates that I smoke, but it's the only luxury that I have left. I can't really drink or do drugs, so running and smoking, two polar opposite things are what's keeping me going and the anxiety meds. Those have been working alright.
Why am I writing all of this?
Because, like an idiot, I checked my email when I came out to smoke.
There was an email about Dr. Cray's dismissal that was sent to everyone on campus. Q had told me about it, so I hadn't bothered to read it. This morning though, when I looked, there was another email addressed to me.
It said that there will be a hearing on Monday morning to discuss the infractions that I had claimed against Dr. Cray. I had dropped my legal charges, but the ones that were filed with the university still stood.
Pretty much, I need to tell a bunch of people how I was violated, and odds are that HE will be there.
It's got me pretty fucked up. How can I go back to sleep after that?
So here I sit, on the patio, staring out at a rising sun while I smoke my second cigarette of the morning.
What I really want is to go down the street and get so high that I just disappear from this life for good because, Henry, I'm so fucking tired of this.
I just want it to be over, and I know what you're thinking, Santana; reach out to your network, your sponsor...anyone, but you know what? As much as they have my wellbeing in mind, as much as Britt has kept me sane and steady...all I want is to never have to worry about my past again.
No one can change the past.
The lights just came on inside the apartment, which means that Britt's up and probably looking for me.
How can I even begin to tell her how I'm truly feeling?
Will she see it on my face?
Times-up on this moment, I guess.
Today will be another day of therapy, just like yesterday and the day before, because Britt wants to make sure I'm ready to finish the semester.
And I'm so over it. Sure we are closer than ever, but therapy hasn't changed the sinking feeling I get when I have to go back there and now on what will be my first day back to school, I'll have to start my day with a hearing and miss yet another Biology class since they had the brilliant idea to schedule the hearing at that time so it wouldn't interfere with my other classes.
How thoughtful of them.
Gotta go.
-S
"What's wrong? Why are you smoking at 6a.m?" Britt asked after sliding open the patio door.
"Good morning to you, too." I said back, my voice raspier from the smoke.
"Good morning, baby." She said, not moving from the door to kiss me, and I didn't blame her. Before she had come, I'd sparked up my third smoke.
"Better." I sighed. "Why are you up?" I asked.
"I got cold and tried to pull my bed heater closer, but you weren't there."
"Haha."
"I'm serious. Can you tell me what's wrong, please?"
"I have a hearing at school on Monday about Dr. Cray." I said, not wanting to drag this on longer than necessary.
"Wow...will he be there?"
"Probably."
"Am I allowed to go?"
"I hope so. I'm going to need all the support that I can get."
She looked at her watch and then back at me.
"I'll be there. I promise."
"Thanks, B."
"You should shower. I'm going to start breakfast since I'm awake. Remember to scrub extra if you've had more than one, okay?"
"Okay."
She blew me a kiss and then went back inside. I watched her dance into the kitchen with grace, and then she looked up at me...I wasn't sure if she could see me, but she still smiled my way, like everything would be okay.
And maybe it would be.
Some of the best advice that I had ever gotten about parenting was from Brenda. May she rest in peace. She told me that when you can schedule your kids' doctor appointments as close together or all at once if you could. With four kids, she knew that killing all the birds with one stone was the smartest plan.
Which is why, even though Daniela wasn't scheduled for a check-up for two more months, we took her to the doctor anyway.
He checked their eyes and ears and gave Isaac his flu shot, which he took like a champ, then confirmed it.
"Your son will need to wear glasses full time. Right now, he can only see about 12 inches in front of his face, and even that isn't very clear."
"How did we not notice?" I said while watching the kids play off to the side with Britt.
"Don't get down on yourself. He's been compensating by squinting, I'm sure. He will see so much more now, and it's good you brought him in; his world is going to be much clearer."
"How soon can we get glasses?"
"There's a pediatric optometrist on the first floor. He can verify my notes and give him another exam if you'd like. They usually can get kids fitted and in their new glasses within an hour."
"Seriously?"
"Yes."
"Would you mind calling down to see if they have availability? I need to let my wife know."
"Of course, don't worry, Santana, this was unavoidable."
I nodded and then walked over to Britt.
She grinned at me and then patted the floor beside her. I was still feeling like shit, but I sat down and took the block that my daughter was handing me.
Together we built a tower while I told Britt what the doctor had told me.
While I was devastated, she was SUPER excited.
"You know what would help him get used to them?" Britt said while she adjusted a block that Isaac had put on the tower.
"What?"
"If you put your glasses on, let him see you with them."
"But I only need them to read...and to drive."
"So, don't you read all day?"
"I do."
"Baby, don't think of this as a bad thing. He'll be able to see and read...he won't be clumsy. Think of the number of times he's fallen or gotten freaked out about something. He just couldn't see well. This isn't something you did."
"But what if it is." I whispered, "I screwed him up, B...we both know it. How can you just be okay with it?"
"Because you can't change the past, Ana. We can only move forward. There's no point in getting stuck on the things you can't change."
There was a look in her eyes; it was almost like she'd read my journal entry from that morning.
It was a knowing look, and it unnerved me.
"Did you-" I started to ask, but then the doctor came in and told us that they had availability downstairs right at that moment. So my questions would have to go unanswered.
Had I left Henry in her sight?
I just couldn't think straight.
When we had the kids in the stroller and were in the elevator, Britt hit the emergency button setting off an alarm and stopping the elevator.
"What the hell are you doing?" I snapped at her, and she kept her face even and looked at me for a long moment before saying anything.
"Whatever this funk you're carrying around is, I need you to stop. Put a pin in it until you are in therapy in just a few hours. Right now is about the kids. Be here...please?"
"I am here!" I said, even though I could immediately feel how much I wasn't in the movement.
"No yelling!" Isaac said.
How could I accuse my mother of not caring enough about me when I couldn't get over myself for just a few hours?
This was about Isaac, Britt was right, so I swallowed back my gnawing feelings just for that moment.
"Sorry, Papa." I hit the emergency button again, releasing the elevator, then looked at B, "I'm here." I held out my pinky, and she linked hers with mine.
"Thank you."
"Potty, Mami. Potty!" Daniela said to me as we got down the optometrist.
"Take her; I'll get him in with the doctor."
She didn't think I'd noticed, but this was actually one of the first times I was left alone with one of the kids.
I helped my baby girl out of the stroller and grabbed wipes just in case, then kissed my wife before heading down the hallway.
"Hurry, Mami!" She said to me, making that squeezing face. I rushed down the hall and was grateful for the family bathroom; there was a shorter toilet there. I put a cover on the seat and then helped her up on it. The hole was huge, so I had to hold her up while she peed.
"All done?" I asked her, but she just held herself steady on my legs and didn't say anything.
And then I smelled it. There was no covering my nose while I held her up, she smelled so bad it made my eyes water, but I was so proud of her.
"Done! I poop, Mami."
"Yes, baby girl, you sure did."
I helped her to the floor and then cleaned her up, all while she clapped for herself.
Even though she hadn't done anything, I washed our hands before walking back to the doctor's office.
The door was closed, so I sat in the waiting area.
"I play, Mami?"
Daniela was trying to wriggle free from my arms so she could play with a little girl who was driving a little car around.
I put her on the floor, and she ran over; the girl was blonde and bubbly. Seeing the two of them play like this, my daughter being the more serious of the two, I immediately thought of me and B.
We'd been that carefree once; I wondered if we'd ever be that way again.
They played for a bit, then the office door opened, and Britt came out holding our crying son.
"What's wrong, Papa?" I asked him, and he reached for me.
Once he was in my lap, he seemed to calm down as he snuggled against me.
Britt walked away with the doctor towards the glasses stand. He was pointing at a few different frames and while she nodded.
I rubbed Isaac back, and he climbed higher, resting his head against my shoulder.
"What's wrong, Papa?"
"Sad."
"Why?"
"No."
"You don't know?"
"No."
"Did you miss Sissy?"
"No."
"Did you miss me?"
"Yes!"
I gave him an extra hug and some kisses until he squealed. Daniela was hugging my leg, and even in the midst of the love of my children, there was still some gnawing.
The heat of her gaze has always gotten my attention, I looked up, and there was my wife, staring back at me.
She raised an eyebrow. Had she seen my moment of doubt?
I smiled at her. "I'm here." I said as she came over with a little container.
"Good. We need to pick out a pair that we like." She said and then reached for Isaac, but he shook his head.
"No. I want Mami." Britt just sat next to us and showed him the tub.
"What color, Izzy?"
"Red!" He practically screamed. Britt winked at me and showed me the container. Most of the glasses in there were red, which was Isaac's current favorite color.
He picked out an adorable pair. They fitted them to him and then told us they'd be ready at the end of the day because his prescription was more specific than what they had on hand.
"Should we take them to school?" Britt asked, and I nodded.
"Yeah, I really need Amy today, especially after finding out about the hearing."
"I can see that you're barely hanging on; let's pay for these and then take them to school on the way to your appointment. We're already going to be late."
Dear Henry,
I'm back for the second time in one day. We dropped the kids off, and then Britt insisted that I grab you and write some more.
I can tell that my mood today has totally thrown her off, and now I'm paying for it because here I sit in the reception area of Amy's office all alone. I'm don't know if Britt called ahead, but the moment we got here, Amy insisted on taking Britt in the room, just the two of them.
I don't know what they are talking about, but I know it has to be about me. When Amy asked me if it was okay with me if she had a word with Britt, I shrugged and told her it was no big deal.
But it is Henry because it's been ten minutes, and I am starting to freak out a little bit.
The last few days have been so much, and I am just so fucking tired of it all. Even though Dr. Cray has been dismissed and measures to protect me are in place, I still feel so damn terrified. Britt goes back to work in two months, and I haven't even begun to think about what that means for us.
Can I handle two toddlers with opposite personalities, all on my own?
One thing is for certain, I'll be spending my summer in Scarsdale, just a mile down the road from my big sister. That's the safest way to play this. Otherwise, I WILL end up doing something I'll regret.
I'm don't mean to be down on myself today, but who wouldn't be?
I hope that everything will work out and that I'll stay sober, even though there is nothing that my body wants more than to be high, I haven't gone there, and I won't.
Two days into taking this medication that's helping with the cravings has definitely helped me manage my sobriety a bit better.
My mind is trying to be dark, Henry, but I can't go there again. I want to be done with drugs this time, for good.
I don't want to be this person anymore.
I want to be better, and I know that starts with acknowledging the problems I have instead of ignoring them.
Being sober makes me incredibly nervous all the time. Still, I know that my mind isn't normal because I have an addictive personality.
It used to be that I was just addicted to words, learning, my reputation, and Brittany, but Marco expanded that for me.
Cocaine, lies, and sex became such a big thing that it sucked me in and affected my relationships with my family and friends.
I feel like I don't know my children because of it.
It feels like I am still learning Britt, and that hurts the most because I should know her better than anything but what I'm coming to realize is that we have both changed so much, even if things were perfect, I'd still be learning her as she is now that she's been through some life-changing shit.
Through everything, I love her more now than ever before, and I know that nothing will change that.
She is my rock, and I want to finally be hers.
Sober.
Will I make it through this, Henry?
We will see...they just came out of the office.
I'll talk to you soon!
-S
Britt came over, crouched down in front of me, and placed her hands on top of mine. "Are you really okay that I went in to talk to her alone?"
I shook my head. "No, actually, I really hate that you did that."
She squeezed my hands. "I'm sorry that I made you feel like that. Would you like to know what I said?"
"Just tell me why, B." I said while trying to keep my shit together.
"We weren't talking about you...not fully. We talked about me and how I can be better. I told her that I don't want to ask you questions like before. I took over your session and brought up stuff that's super old when you should have been focusing on what just happened to you; it wasn't fair to you. I just wanted her to know that I'm here as your support, but these sessions should be yours. I have my own therapist."
"You really think that?"
"I do. I'm not here to take over; I'm here to have your back."
"Thanks, B."
She leaned in and kissed my face before standing up and holding her hand out to me.
"Are you okay? Do you feel better knowing?" Britt hovered over me with a neutral look on her face as she held out her hand for me to hold.
I closed my journal and put it in her outstretched hand.
She raised her eyebrows and waited for me to explain.
"I do. Thanks for telling me." She looked down at the book in her hand and then back at me.
"Did you need me to hold this for you?"
"Actually, I would really like it if you read it... there are some blank pages at the end where you could write me back."
"Write you back?" She shook her head in confusion and scrunched up her face. "But...I'm not Henry."
"I want you to read that...after every entry...I left a blank page...so you could write me back."
"Do you know what that name means, Britt?"
She shook her head as she gripped the little black book tightly in her hands.
"Ruler of the home...and for as long as I have known you...you have been my home. I keep coming back to you because that is what you are to me. My home. You are my Henry."
Tears came to her eyes, and I stood to my feet and reached out my pinky.
She smiled and linked her little finger with mine.
"Then you are my Henry too." She said as we walked into the office together.
My heart felt so full at that moment that I didn't even fight the tears that came pouring down my cheeks.
"Wow, Santana, people usually cry after our sessions...not before, I'm impressed." Amy said when I walked into her office, holding onto Britt's hand. I sat on the couch and tried my best to smile at Amy, but I was too far gone. I took a tissue and wiped at the tears that I couldn't seem to stop.
"Sorry about the tears." I said, and she waved me off.
"Don't apologize for allowing yourself to feel whatever you're feeling. Emotions are encouraged as long as they are genuine. Frankly, I'm proud. You have been coming to me for months, and I have barely seen you show any emotion other than anger. I was starting to think that I wasn't reaching you."
"That's because I wasn't open...and now with Britt here and these pills in me, I can't help myself."
She sat forward and tried to fight her smile; in one week, I had reached more growth than I had in months; I imagine it was like seeing your child walk for the first time.
"I'm glad that you decided to take them. How are the cravings?"
"Better."
"Can you elaborate for me?"
"Yeah, like before Britt was home every day, when it was just the kids and me, I'd feed them, read to them, and we'd play. It was all good, but then there was nap time or times when they were at daycare, I would get all of my homework done and then..." I took a deep breath that came out as more of a shudder. I smiled through my tears smiled when Britt reached over took my hand. The moment that she touched me and held my hand securely, reassuring me that she was there for me, I felt my anxiety ease.
"Take your time, Santana." Amy said, so I took a deep breath before continuing.
"Usually, I spend an hour and a half running on my treadmill at the highest speed possible while crying. I always feel the need to snort enough coke to forget my troubles or to turn my mind off in those quiet moments, but there is just too much to lose. A runner's high is the only way that I made it through those times. What's worse, though...is usually I'm doing it with nothing in my stomach, so I spent the rest of my alone time vomiting up stomach acid and then showering until it was time to get the kids or make dinner. Today I don't feel that need. Instead, when my head was full, and it was quiet, I wrote in my journal."
"Definite progress." Amy said as she took notes.
"And she smoked too." Britt said, and I sighed.
"Yeah...and that."
Amy nodded and scribbled that down before folding her hands on her notepad. "I'm proud of you, Santana. You have made some serious strides."
"Thanks, I'm really working on it."
"That's all that matters...the effort and the self-awareness in managing your expectations and limitations."
"I've been struggling with that a bit today."
"Would you like to discuss it?"
"Yes."
Britt brought my hand to her lips, grazing it lightly before kissing it firmly.
"You're doing great, baby."
"What's your greatest fear about the hearing?"
"That he'll find a way to get at my family or me. Like that day...when it...h-happened, he threatened to hurt Britt and even Quinn. He knows too much and...well, I might deserve the punishment, but they don't."
"You say you deserve punishment?"
"Well yeah, I'm always messing up, so naturally, I need to atone."
"But no one else in your life needs to atone?"
"That's different."
"Because you have done more heinous things?"
"Well...yes. I literally know where the bodies are buried."
"So you feel like him taking your autonomy and assaulting your personhood is justified?"
"No. I just wanted to retake the test. He could have just told me, no, and I would have moved on, but he dangled it in front of me, then made me jump through flaming hoops."
"Which you deserved as punishment for not taking the test at the same time as everyone else?"
"No...I...shit, why are you twisting my words, Amy?"
"I'm just trying to understand why you think you might deserve punishment and if that's truly your belief, or maybe it's one that been fed to you."
"Oh."
"Oh?"
"That might be it...Marco, my father, and even my cheer coach, you cross a line, and there are repercussions."
"So it's safe to say that you cling to the idea that punishment is justified because it's what you came to understand."
"Yes. I'm a glutton for punishment, I guess. It's addicting."
Britt dropped my hand and clutched my journal tightly after I said that.
She'd punished me...a lot lately, in fact, but I'd asked for it.
I needed it to think straight.
More tears came then, and I just let them fall. Britt picked up my hand again and cleared her throat but didn't say anything.
Amy changed the conversation's direction after that, turning it to how I would process the upcoming hearing.
She even got Britt to smile, but the damage was done. She'd dropped my hand like I'd burned her with my words.
I couldn't forget that.
Britt had booked a two-hour session, so we spent the first hour talking about me, and then the conversation turned to my marriage.
It was something that both Britt and I wanted to work on, so Amy focused on developing better ways to communicate. If there is something that Britt and I don't do effectively, it's communicating even after all this time.
We both admitted that sex was how we resolved things and how we knew that it probably wasn't the healthiest way.
"Brittany, you've said that in your opinion, sex means nothing to your wife, and yet that is how you best communicate with her."
"Well yeah, but that's because it's the only way she understands."
"Is that true, Santana?" Amy had gotten a whole new notepad for this; she seemed way too excited...but we'd asked for this, so I had to be honest.
"Yes."
"And why do you think that is?"
"Sex is its own language, on the few occasions that Britt lets me top her, it's because things are good...I'm doing everything right, and she can relax...but the rest of the time, I have to let her top me. She needs it more than I do."
"I do?" Britt asked, and I nodded. "How so, Ana?"
"Everything comes back to control with us, B. Our relationship is a fight for dominance that I have been trying to win even though trying to make you submit to me is unnatural for you."
"I can be submissive; I just don't like to be." Britt mumbled.
"And that's fine, as long as you are communicating that to Santana." Amy cut in.
"It's okay that you're not submissive, B. I get it...well, I started to when I met Francis and saw how she responded to you. It's how Ari respects you and defers to you. The one that solidifies it for me, though, is how Quinn responds to you, she is the most dominant person I know, but she gets so sweet and kind with you, Britt. Your natural dominance is so strong that it affects everyone around us. That's the reason you butt heads with my sisters. They are all dominant. I am the only one who is submissive, and they take advantage of it."
"Yeah, I know; they just don't know when to back off."
"You're a born leader, B. Plain and simple. I mean, think about when you are commanding a room full of dancers. You shine when you're in control, and you are out of your mind when you lose it...like when you...you know."
"Choked you." She muttered.
"Exactly."
"I know that I can be dominating as a person, I know that my presence and personality can fill up a stadium but when it comes to people with more power or bigger personalities like Quinn, Sue, Papi, and Marco...I'm like a bitch rolling over on her back and showing my belly. It's who I am underneath it all."
"I know." She said, sounding smaller than she was. I felt like I was validating her, but she seemed to shrink a bit. Maybe she was embarrassed.
"How does all of that make you feel, B?" I asked.
"I'm not sure, kind of like you're addicted to being spanked, and you've chosen me, someone, who nearly killed you to do it."
Amy looked up from her doodling. From that moment on, our session became Britt's, and I didn't mind it.
I held tight to her hand and did my best to support her.
There was nothing wrong with her leading us; it freed up my mind and made me more stable and confident.
Britt was my home, and there is no one else that I want more walking beside me and helping me along my way because she gets what I need better than I do.
And I thank God for that.
Britt took my hand as we left Amy's office and brought it to her lips again.
When her eyes met mine, I could see the unshed tears and wanted to just hold her, but I knew that this wasn't the time or place.
"I love you." I said, and she shook the book and nodded.
"I know...I love you too."
She turned her phone back on while we headed out to the car, and it buzzed immediately.
I'd left mine in the car, so her turning off her phone for two hours probably wasn't the best idea.
"His glasses are ready; should we get them and then surprise him at school? Maybe all the other kids getting all excited about them will help him be excited." She said, and I nodded.
"Sure, B. That sounds like a great idea."
While she drove, I felt an overwhelming urge to put a smile on her face. So I decided to be spontaneous.
So as we drove through SoHo, I reached across the console and rubbed my hand across Britt's thigh towards her waistband, but instead of smiling, her frown just got deeper.
"What are you doing, Ana?"
"I need you, Britt Britt." I whispered against her ear.
She shuddered and continued to drive, but I knew that she wasn't entirely focused.
"Wh-what do you need exactly?"
"I need you...to love me."
She smirked and then brought her hand down and wrapped it around my wrist.
"I love you always...you know that...but I'm not having sex with you."
With that statement, she picked up my wrist and placed it back on my lap.
She had blatantly rejected me, and it hurt.
"You don't think I'm hot anymore, is that it?" I said sarcastically, trying to keep the feeling light despite feeling like she had slapped me.
"There is no one I want more than you. You're hot always." She said as she glanced my way.
"I know that because you had no problem two nights ago...you know when I let you fuck my ass. Do you remember that because I do?"
She was blushing now as she gripped the steering wheel. "It's just...that was amazing...but things need to be different right now."
I could tell that Britt was choosing her words carefully.
When we got to the doctor's office, I left her in the car and picked up the glasses without even looking at them. I tossed the bag onto the back seat and buckled in without a word. She had been reading Henry with her lip between her teeth but had put it down when I got inside.
After that, she just stared at me until I spoke.
"Can we go?" I asked, and she jerked us into the street.
We rode in silence right until we were sitting in the parking garage.
"Please don't be mad. You know I love sexy times. We just can't right now."
I sat there just staring out at the other cars, trying to figure out what to say without starting a fight. She was staring at me full-on with worry written all over her face, and I felt like I could cry, but instead, I unbuckled myself and turned to look back at her.
Those hypnotizing eyes always made me feel a little unsteady. She was just so beautiful that it made me breathless. I sighed, deciding to just be real with her.
"You've been acting weird since my whole speech in Amy's office. I thought what I said was a good thing, but then you dropped my hand. I thought we were on the same page; I thought our sexy times were a good thing. But I feel like I fucked up in some way."
"Sex isn't always the answer."
"I know that."
"Do you, though?"
"Excuse the fuck out of me if I have needs, Britt." I knew that my voice was rising and that I was starting to shriek, but she had turned something on the inside of me, and I needed her more than ever.
"I just don't think it that's a good idea with all the stuff you have been going through. You need to focus on getting better. So much bad has happened...especially recently. I don't want your body to confuse our sexy times for anything bad, Ana, I want you so bad, but when you are ready...and Amy agrees with me."
"Did you decide this before or after I spilled my heart out to you?"
"Before?" She looked confused by my question.
"I am ready now, B. All I want is for you to throw me over your shoulder, take me upstairs, and fu-" I was cut off by Britt cupping her hand over my mouth and shaking her head.
"No...end of discussion. You said that you trusted me to know what was best for you and us...and I think that this is best."
And just like that...my anger deflated, and I was hearing my own words come back to haunt me.
She was right.
I nodded, and she slowly lowered her hand from my mouth.
When she leaned forward to kiss me, she kept her eyes open because she probably assumed that I would blow her off. I was working on turning over a new leaf, so I leaned forward and kissed her back.
Long and hard.
If I couldn't have sexy times, then the sweet lady kisses would have to do.
We got out of that car much differently than we'd been while in it. Britt excitedly held onto Isaac's glasses while we walked through the lobby and to the daycare.
Isaac was sitting at a table with his friends' coloring. His face was nearly on the table while he colored.
Britt knocked on the door, and his teacher looked up and waved at us.
She called out to him, and he looked from her to where she was pointing.
He looked at the door, his face all scrunched, and waved at us.
Britt knelt near him, and he then looked over at me.
"Get down here." She said, and I got down to eye level with my son. His whole face lit up once we were closer.
The box had two pairs of glasses, one for home and one to keep at school just in case he lost them.
"Present for Izzy?" He asked, and Britt nodded.
"Yes, buddy, are you ready?"
"Yes, please!"
Britt slipped the red band over his head and then adjusted his glasses onto his face.
He blinked for a few seconds and then looked at us with this goofy grin that brought tears to my eyes.
"Hi, Papa."
"Mami, I see!" He said, clapping his hands and looking around at his friends and his colorful classroom.
When he looked at me, he had tears in his eyes too, but he was giggling now.
I opened my arms and gave him a big hug. Then I wiped his eyes for him, so he didn't smudge his glasses.
Britt had been right. All the kids were so excited to see Isaac's new look. We handed his extra pair to his teacher before leaving him to color; this time, he didn't have his head on the table.
For one of the first times, I felt like a good mom.
Why had it taken me three years?
I vowed to myself right then that I would be more vigilant with my kids so that it didn't take me another three years to improve their lives.
We'd been going all morning. I knew that sooner or later, Britt was going to realize that I hadn't eaten or drank anything at all.
That morning she'd served us breakfast, but I got wrapped up in a clothing dispute with Daniela and promised her I'd eat on the way but then I didn't.
Even the coffee at Amy's office had remained untouched; ever since I got that email about the hearing, I'd been floating through the day holding onto the little sliver of control I had over something.
When we finally got up to the apartment, Britt pointed to the loft.
"Go play for a bit, work through these feelings while I make us lunch."
"I'm not hungry." I said, and she raised her eyebrow.
"Let that be the last lie today, please?"
I nodded and kissed her cheek before heading up to the loft.
The sun was shining into the space, making everything gleam.
I turned on my metronome, lifted the cover, and then parked my ass in front of the keys.
But inspiration didn't come, so I played something silly, hoping it would spark something.
When my phone vibrated next to me, I felt relieved for the distraction.
I know you're prob busy, but I need to talk to you. Can I call you?-Ceily
Sure thing...what's it about?-Ana
Quinn. /-Ceily
Okay...I'm here.-Ana
My music was forgotten while I waited for my sister to call me. We'd been in a weird place ever since that night that I had crossed the line with Quinn. I'd been respecting her space, and she'd let me. It's gone so far that I don't even have sleepovers with Q unless Britt is present, and even then, we don't sleep close to each other like we used to do.
Had something happened?
It'd been two years since that night, but sometimes people hold onto shit, and if now was the time she was choosing to rip me a new one, well, I'd just have to accept it.
Even if she insisted that she'd forgiven me.
By the time her call came through, I had more questions than answers which made me feel crazy.
"Hey, baby sis." I could hear the nerves in my sister's voice as I picked up the phone.
"Hi...is everything okay?"
"Uh...yeah. I just...I kind of need your opinion."
"On Quinn?"
"Yes."
"She's too good for you."
"Well, duh, but that's not it."
"Okay...go for it...what do you need?"
"I'm going to ask her to marry me, and I want your blessing."
"My blessing?" I was confused. "Why me?"
"Are you really going to make this hard for me, Ana?" She laughed out nervously.
"I'm just...honored that you're asking me...I guess I just kind of didn't expect it."
"It's just you are the most important person in her life, she loves you more than anyone else, and so your opinion really matters to me."
"Why now?"
"I'm twenty-nine this year; it's time to get serious about my future. When I think about what comes next, Quinn is all I see. She's been practically a Lopez forever, and I'd like to make that official as soon as I can. She has an internship this summer, and she is really about to get into this school stuff. I really don't want to waste any more time. I love her with all my heart, and I know that I want to spend the rest of my life with her. She's amazing, and I feel so blessed to have her in my life."
"Wow." I said, sitting forward and staring at a picture on our mantle of me and Q doing side splits. It had been just after she had given up Beth, and she was really down on herself, so I had taken her to my trampoline and helped her get in shape to get back on the Cheerios. "What are your intentions as a stepmother?"
It was a defining time for us because it was one of the first times that I was doing something for her and taking care of her instead of her for me.
She had gone through a lot that summer and then didn't really have a good time adjusting afterward, so I was glad that I could do something to make her smile.
Even though it didn't last long.
Now though, when she was with my sister, it was like all that bad shit had disappeared, and she was back to being happy again.
Britt called up to me, so I went downstairs with the phone to my ear, waiting for Celia's response.
"I intend to be her friend and a role model. Beth is a great kid who is about to have two very busy parents; I want her to feel like she can come to me whenever she needs me. I know you've had your differences, but your mom has been loyal and supportive of me and the other girls from the start...even now when she's remarried. I plan to be like that but better because I'll be consistent."
Britt placed two big bowls of mac and cheese onto the dining room table and pulled out a chair for me.
I sat down and smiled at my wife.
"Beth is a good kid; she deserves the world."
"Yeah, she does."
"I'm glad you agree, Ceily."
When Britt heard that, she slid into her seat and took my hand. I watched as she ran her fingers over my palm, tracing the lines.
She grinned at me when I shivered.
I needed to put my sister out of her misery so that I could enjoy this time with my wife.
"So what do you say?"
"Celia...you have my blessing to sweep Q off her feet and wife her up. I know that you will take of her and be everything that she needs."
"Thank you so much...she's coming out of class any second. I have to go...I love you!"
"I love you too."
"Oh, and Ana?"
"Yea?"
"Try and act surprised when she calls you."
"You got it!"
Ever since we got back from Lima, Quinn has been finding reasons to stay with us. She hasn't said whether it's to be around as a comfort to me or as a backup for the kids. Except for the nights that she stays with my sister, she has come straight to our place.
Now that my sister was planning to pop the question, I wasn't sure if that was still going to be a thing.
I felt a little sad, but I smiled anyway.
Quinn deserved to have a family, and mine had loved her from the start, and I just know she'll be excited to drop Russell's last name.
"She's going to propose?" Britt asked as she took my hand.
"Yup."
"That's so exciting. Do you think they'll have a real wedding?"
"Um...our wedding wasn't fake."
"I know, but I've always dreamed of a barn wedding with all the rustic stuff, with a dance floor so we can have like a glee wedding mashup."
"Eww, B, you sound like Rachel."
"Take that back." Britt pointed her fork at me with a stunning face.
"Make me."
"How about I pray, and we eat...then maybe we can make out a little...but no under the clothes stuff."
"As tempting as that sounds, I actually do have homework that I need to get done, and you haven't danced...you know you've got to stay warm. So how about we eat, then move all the furniture out of the way so you can dance while I do my work?"
"With some sweet lady kisses mixed in?"
"You got it, B."
"Let's pray?" She said as she squeezed my hand.
"You or me?"
"I'll do it."
I bowed my head and closed my eyes as I thought about the times that I had tried to get B to pray with me or go to church with me and how she thought it was stupid. So much had changed.
Things had come to such a great place for us. It never really bothered me that she was disinterested before, but now it seemed to fill a void I didn't know I had.
"Dear Jesus...it's been so hard lately for my family and me. I know that you are with us and guide us to where you think we should be. I thank you for bringing us this far. Please bless our children and our marriage, and most of all...please never let us go. Bless the food and help it to heal our bodies. Amen."
"Amen."
I smiled as I raised my eyes to meet hers.
She wasn't eating. She was staring at me instead.
But it wasn't in that...you better eat or else kind of way...it was more of her silently asking if she had done it right.
"That was a great prayer, B." I said as I raised the food to my mouth and took a small bite.
I paced myself and finished my food without getting sick, which earned me about a hundred kisses and some grinding.
Britt moved all the furniture and then brought me my books and headphones.
We were vibing, and I loved it.
Right then, all was right in our world and the worries of the morning seemed a world away.
Brittany's POV
Ana had left me to dance while she went down to pick up the kids.
She'd been right; I was definitely a little rusty after not really dancing like I should have been.
My phone rang after she left and I panicked because, with Ana, anything can happen.
But it wasn't her.
"Susie?"
Hearing that nickname...made me feel frozen.
"Matty?"
"Did I interrupt you? I can call back later if you need me to?"
"No...are you still deployed? Is everything okay? I haven't heard from you in forever...are you back?"
"I've been back a week; blew out my knee, so I'm home. War zones are tough, but I have my life."
"That's fantastic. I'm glad you called. I've missed you. So much has happened in the four years that you've been gone."
"So I heard you married Santana Lopez."
"I did, and we have two kids."
"That's amazing." He said, but his voice sounded tight.
"What's wrong, Matty?"
"I'm not supposed to be calling you about this, but it seems like no one else will. My parents insisted that I leave this alone...but I can't. Aunt Susan and Uncle Rob mean so much to me. After they lost Court, they deserve to live without stress."
My heart began to race. I had just seen my parents a week before, and they seemed perfectly normal. Did I miss something?
"You're scaring me, Matty. Tell me what happened?"
"After your dad had heart surgery a couple years back, your mom took out a second mortgage on the house."
"Heart surgery? Dad didn't have heart surgery! I saw him last summer. Santana stayed with them a while. He's working just fine. I saw him last week, and he seemed fine! They would have told me! "
"Well...they didn't. He had a heart attack soon after Court died."
"Are you sure about this?"
"Susie, I wouldn't lie about this."
"But he's okay?"
"Uncle Rob has few guys at work that he puts the hard stuff on; he doesn't want to worry anyone. Your mom, though, got laid off a few months ago...their house is about to go into foreclosure, and they have been talking about coming back to Chicago to stay with my mom. I just found this all out yesterday, and they begged me to let this be...but I can't...not without them telling you."
"Shit. This is bad. The last time this happened, Santana bailed them out. Why didn't they come to her?"
"Because they don't like handouts, you know that. It's not fair to your wife to have to bail them out. She already pays your dad. How can they expect her to pay for other things? They're your parents, not hers. You are all they have left. What are you going to do about it?"
"What should I do?"
"Pay them a surprise visit...make them tell you. Help them, like they helped you back when the doctors in Chicago wanted to put you away for good. They moved to Lima to save you from that...you owe them this. Not your wife or her family, YOU."
"Yeah, you're right."
Matty's words kept ringing in my head.
I owe them this. I couldn't focus on dancing now.
They needed me more than anyone here did.
Instead, I needed to develop some kind of plan, but I couldn't think straight.
"Britt?" I looked up from the couch I was slumped on; Ana was holding a sleeping Dani in her arms and was holding Izzy's hand. "Are you okay?"
Izzy still had his glasses on and was looking around the apartment with wide eyes. Then it hit me, he'd only seen Elmo with a haze over him, wait until he saw him on the screen clearly!
"Who wants Elmo?" I asked, trying to be as excited as possible.
Dani perked up, and Izzy ran to me excitedly.
I set up Elmo in the living room, gave them blankets and pillows, then I looked at my wife...she could see that something was bothering me. When she smiled at me, the tears started, and I didn't want her to see me all fucked up. So I went out onto the patio so that I could still watch the kids.
When I sat in the same chair that I had found Ana in that morning, stressing about her own stuff, I let out a dry laugh.
Ana came out with a glass of wine...which was odd because I thought I hid all the wine. She handed me the glass and then perched on the arm of the chair.
"Do you want to tell me what's bothering you?"
She adjusted her glasses, which she must have put on for Izzy's benefit, even though I thought she was cuter in them.
I couldn't worry her right now, but I needed to go back to Lima.
With all the stuff going on, I couldn't ask her to save my parents this time.
After she gave me this building, I started getting my cut of the rents in the building, added to my salary from the company, so even without my wife, I was doing okay. I could help them.
"Nothing, you can fix.I'm fine." I said.
"Bullshit. We have to be honest with each other, Brittany."
"There is nothing that you can do...I have to deal with this myself."
"What do you mean? What happened?"
"I need to go out of town for a few days."
"What? Why?"
"My parents need me."
"Are they okay? When do you want to leave? Will we be back by Monday's hearing?"
I sipped the wine and watched her eyes dart back and forth while she thought of all the things she'd need to do to get us back to Lima. "You can't come...you have to stay here. Your break is almost over. You have school in a few days, plus the hearing. If I can't get back here, you have like a hundred people that can go with you."
"Screw school! This is about family; it's way more important to me, you know that."
"You can't come; that's final." I slapped my hand on my thigh so hard that it stung, but I wasn't going to back down.
I was in control here, and she was going to have to listen.
That was the agreement.
She looked at me with cold eyes that were almost black, but she didn't speak a word.
I wasn't surprised when she took my glass from me and stormed back inside.
Things had been good, we had come to an understanding, and I had promised to be there to support her...but now I was backing out.
But she'd understand...she'd have to.
I deserved a no-questions-asked. I watched her storm around the kitchen, getting dinner ready for the kids, while occasionally wiping at her face.
I felt like shit.
This is not how things were supposed to be.
She was banging pots and pans when I came in. She had her music low so that the kids wouldn't be disturbed while watching their show but didn't seem to notice how loud her banging was.
I went straight for the kitchen, hoping to apologize, but she took one look at me and shook her head. "Don't."
And then, she shifted right into being excitable when Quinn showed up with her overnight bag and Beth.
There was no more time for her to be mad at me or for me to try to apologize. Everything became about our guests.
I guess that was a blessing?
We sat at the dining room table together, and all the attention was on Izzy's new glasses, and he loved it.
All he kept saying was, "I see! Look, I see."
I kept trying to make eye contact with Ana, but she was looking everywhere but at me.
And I guess I deserved it.
So, I finished up my food and took my plate to the kitchen, then I put on my sneakers and grabbed my keys.
"Where are you going, B?" Quinn asked because Ana didn't seem interested.
"I promised Frankie that I'd come over to talk about our move to Broadway. I've been putting it off, so don't wait up...enjoy your night."
I kissed Ana's head and then left.
The pain on her face when I mentioned Frankie's name didn't go unnoticed.
Even after all these years, she couldn't bear us being alone together...even though I was leaving her with Quinn.
She was already mad; it's not like she could get more pissed off.
Right?
The truth was that I wasn't even going to see Frankie; she was in California for the break with Siobhan. No, I was going to see Ari, but at that moment, I wanted Ana to hurt.
It was mean, and I knew it, but I didn't stop myself.
When I got to Ari's dorm, she was curled up with Gloria watching a movie, but she asked Gloria to give us space when she saw me crying.
"What's wrong, Britt?"
I told her everything about therapy that day and the hearing coming up. She looked confused, and I realized that not everyone knew what had happened, so I told Ari and watched her turn from calm to furious.
"I can't believe she didn't tell you." I said, and she wiped the tears from her eyes.
"She wouldn't. We've been distant since that dinner we had at your place. Anita thinks it's better this way, but fucking hell, it's not. I can go with her on Monday."
"Thank you, that's all I wanted. That's why I'm here...I know Quinn would go, but I know if I wasn't in the picture, it's you that she'd run to."
"I don't know about that, but I'll be there."
"Am I doing the right thing?"
"Oh, I'm not answering that. You have to do what's best for you; I'm not adding my two cents."
"But I will," Gloria said from the doorway, where she'd been standing this whole time silently. "I think it's a mistake. You don't need to fly to Lima to fix your parents' stuff. Call them, wire them money but right now seems like a bad time to leave Santana. I know I wouldn't leave Ariana if this had happened to her. Why can't you go after her hearing?"
Ari smiled at Gloria, and I knew then that she agreed with Gloria.
"If the hearing goes bad, I'll never leave because I'll be here holding her together. She has this whole village that can surround her. I can't be her everything all the time. My parents need me now."
Part of me agreed with them, but then I thought about what Matty had said; I was all my parents had, and they were too proud to tell me over the phone. They knew what was going on here, they wouldn't want to be a burden, but I couldn't see them lose everything just because they didn't want to bother me.
My marriage has made it through worse; surely it would make it through this.
I booked my flight for Saturday morning, but I didn't buy a return ticket because I wasn't sure when I'd be back.
Ari hovered over my shoulder while I did it and tried to convince me to buy the Sunday return ticket, but I refused; what if I needed to come back soon or really couldn't make it back right away.
I didn't want to waste money that I didn't have to.
"Now that you've bought the ticket, you should go home and make it up to her. Isn't Friday normally your date night? Maybe you go home and tell her that you're going to take her out tomorrow...she'd like that." Ari said, looking unsure.
"I'm sorry I put you in a tight spot. I know she's your person, but I trust you, she doesn't know why I'm leaving, and I'd like to keep it that way. She'll throw money at the problem and, I think my parents need something else...me, maybe."
"I won't tell her about it. That's not my place; just stay in contact, don't do petty shit like saying you're going to hang out with Frankie. Don't make it worse."
"You're right."
"I know I'm right. Now, it's getting late. You should probably go home."
"Right. Thanks for everything."
"Yeah, you may also want to work out a bit. You're getting a little chunky around the middle."
I rolled my eyes and left.
When I climbed back into the car, I called my wife before putting the car in drive.
"What?" She barked into the phone.
"Excuse me?"
"What do you want, Brittany?"
"My wife."
"I'm right where you left me. The kids are asleep, and I'm trying to study with Quinn."
"Just study?" I don't know why I said it but damn, did I regret it almost immediately.
"No, B, we've cleared the floor, and we are mid-fuck."
"That's not what I meant...thought you may have pulled out some wine. I wasn't thinking about sex."
"Right. Well, we are just sitting at the table studying. Are you coming home now?"
"Yes, I was-" I started to say, but then she cut me off.
"Great." Then the line went dead.
Crap.
When I got home, all of the lights were off except for up in the loft.
My bedroom was empty, but there was a note on my pillow.
"Sleeping in the loft with Q. I have a baby monitor; sleep tight." She actually left a lipstick kiss on the note, and while it seemed sweet, I could tell it wasn't.
My wife was a master manipulator. She was currently hanging out with the other master; there was no way that all was forgiven.
I couldn't let it get to me...I needed to focus.
Get to Lima. Figure out mom and dad's next steps, whether that was me paying off the liens or them letting the house go and moving back to Chicago. They had options, we just needed a plan, and once that was in place, I'd do what I needed to do and come right back to New York.
Easy peasy.
I felt justified, but I still couldn't sleep.
My mind was still going in circles.
So I decided to pack my bag, but then I saw that Ana had already done that, my suitcase was neatly set up with toiletries and clothes.
Another sweet gesture that felt bitter.
I wanted to talk to her, to fix this...because she had therapy in the morning, and this was not how she should be going into it.
Amy had warned me that allowing Ana to get stressed would only lead her down a dangerous path.
Why hadn't I listened?
After trying to sleep for almost an hour, I went out to the kitchen to get some warm milk.
I saw the glow of a cigarette out on the patio and then another right alongside it.
They were smoking out there, great.
While I warmed up my milk, I stared out at the darkness, knowing that they could see me way better than I could see them.
She was icing me out, and she had every right to be, but I couldn't let it go on.
I carried my milk to the patio door and then flicked on the lights.
Ana and Quinn shielded their eyes and glared at me, but I didn't care.
I slid the door open and looked straight at my wife.
"Ana? Come to bed, please?"
She didn't answer.
Instead, she crushed her cigarette and then leaned over, kissed Quinn's cheek, and mumbled something to her.
Q looked at me and then nodded.
"Good night." She said before leaving us alone.
Ana patted the seat next to her, "Come sit." She was raspy.
"I don't want to fight." I said, and she nodded.
"Neither do I...just come sit with me. Please?"
I sat there, and she took my hand; hers were freezing and shaking a bit.
When I turned to look at her, she was staring at our hands.
"I went to see Ari."
"I know, Gloria texted me."
"She did?"
"Yup told me you came there and admitted to lying; she didn't want Ari sucked into whatever we had going on."
"I don't blame her."
"And you shouldn't." Ana looked me in the eyes; hers were swollen and bloodshot. "Why are you leaving me, Brittany?"
I flinched at the full name.
"If I tell you, I need you to promise not to help."
"Not to? I don't understand."
"Did you know about my father's heart attack a few years ago?"
She nodded, and I pulled my hands away, enraged.
"It happened when I was in rehab, part of the reason that I went to stay there was to help them...Susan tried to tell you, but you were going through Grady stuff...then pregnancy stuff...and other stuff."
"Oh."
"Are you just finding out? Is Rob sick?"
"No...not that I know of. They just need me. I'm all they have, and you have so many people here. Ari even said that she'd go with you on Monday."
"That's nice of her, but she's not you."
"I'm sorry, I need to do this. I bought a ticket already; I leave Saturday morning."
"And when do you come back?" She looked hopeful, and I had to crush that; it was all so hard.
"I didn't buy a return ticket because I wasn't sure."
"Right."
Ana lit up another cigarette then and became deaf to anything else that I had to say.
"Look, be mad at me but don't make it worse by sleeping with her."
She had tears in her eyes when she glared at me.
"She's about to marry my sister, B. The times of me letting her spank me or fuck me...of me doing anything with her are over. I don't want anyone but you out of respect for you, though, I'll sleep on the couch."
"Just come to bed."
"Not like this. I can't sleep next to you with this rage."
Santana's POV
I sat on the couch in the dark, feeling antsy, but I wouldn't let myself leave.
Sound traveled throughout the apartment really well, so I was sure that both Quinn and Britt would figure it out pretty quickly if I left.
Instead, I went into the kitchen and made some tea while I actually read the contracts that Walker had sent me.
For over a year, she'd take care of the business, and I'd just sign whatever she sent without reading it, but the place in Lake George was different. It was too far away from Walker and Rob's commitments in Ohio; this New York project was going to be my pet project.
I planned to rent a cabin on the lake for the summer while Britt worked on the play, I thought it was a great plan, but I wouldn't go up there alone.
At first, I was going to drag Quinn up there, but then she got the Mayo Clinic internship, and who could turn that down?
Ari was also not going to work since she'd be just as busy as Britt, which meant that I'd need to involve one of my sisters. Mami was out of the question and if Rob was sick again, so was Susan.
That gnawing feeling was still in the pit of my stomach. Was it really safe for me to be at the lake with two small children without back up?
Probably not.
I had time; that's what I kept telling myself.
But what if I didn't?
"San?" I looked over to the stairs to the loft, and there was Q, looking disoriented.
"Yeah?"
"The tea." I had completely not heard the teapot whistling; I had been so focused on my plans and trying to ignore the other stuff coming my way that I had forgotten.
"Shit, thanks." I took the teapot off the fire and poured the hot water into my cup. "Sorry I woke you."
"It's fine. I don't have class until tomorrow afternoon. Is there enough for me?"
"Oh yeah, sure."
I made her a cup of tea and then carried mine over to the couch.
Quinn curled next to me and stared at me, her eyes hauntingly beautiful in the dim light.
"Talk to me." She said.
"If I tell you something, I need you to keep it between us." I said, blowing on the steam from my cup.
"I'm thinking of canceling the hearing."
"Why?"
"What's the point? He's already been fired. What more can the university do? I'm dropping out after this semester anyway."
"I don't know, San, you should definitely still do it."
"If my wife doesn't think it's important to be here...then maybe she's right."
"Did she tell you why she's going?"
"Vaguely, just something about her parents needing her, and it can't wait."
"That's odd. Weren't you just there last week."
"Yup."
"Do you think she's lying?"
"Yup."
"So what are you going to do about it?"
"Nothing. She's supported me through some difficult shit, and if she needs to keep this one thing to herself, who am I to argue?"
"Her wife."
"Meh." I shrugged and sipped my tea.
"When is she leaving?"
"Saturday morning, she's taking me out for a date tomorrow night...I think it's because she's guilty."
"About what?"
"Gloria told me something interesting when she called; she said that Frankie is in California."
"She wouldn't; that's not who she is anymore, San. She's not going to fly to California to fuck Frankie when your life is falling apart."
"Why not? She's done it before."
"I don't think she'd do that, but I can't say I don't blame you for being paranoid."
"Which is why I am going to insist that she take Daniela with her to keep her honest."
"Why not Izzy?"
"He has to get cleared by his doctor every time he gets on a plane. There isn't time for that. Besides, he's a little easier to control than Daniela is."
"True." Quinn drank down her tea and then put it to the side before stretching her legs across my lap. "Does this mean that we get to hang out this weekend? Puck has Beth, and Celia is working. We could do Mani's and Pedi's."
"It's been a while since I've done anything like that. Let's do it."
"Awesome. You should get some sleep and tomorrow, makeup with B. You don't want her to get on a plane with this heaviness between you, especially not with your baby."
"Yeah, you're right."
"And on Monday, Ari and I will be by your side. You won't feel alone for a second."
"Thanks, Q."
God as my witness, I tried to reconcile with Britt. I made us breakfast, then I went up and played my piano while she danced. I even took her to lunch, but at some point, I don't know if it was her guilt or nerves, but she started getting snippy with me.
I think it had something to do with my insistence that she take the baby with her.
She told me that she didn't have time to watch her while she was in Lima, and I told her that I didn't give a flying motherfuck; she could not stick me with both kids while she was off doing God knows what.
Not once did she say anything about my kind gestures, like packing her bag for her or doing all of the laundry so she could wear her favorite pajamas.
Then after a week of sitting in on my therapy sessions, she didn't come with me on Friday afternoon. She just dropped me off.
So I gave up; I went to my meeting that night, and then I went home, put on Scandal and a facemask, and refused to go anywhere with her.
But on Saturday morning, I got up bright and early, made her breakfast, and packed snacks for Daniela.
Mari showed up to pick up Izzy and take him to Westchester and hang out with his cousins.
I planned to drop off Britt, go hang out with Quinn, and then go up to Scarsdale and spend the weekend with my family.
Even though I was mad, I still wanted to honor Britt's wishes that I not be in the city without her.
So when I asked her to help me with our overnight bags, she was surprised at first and then annoyed.
"You're not going to surprise me by getting on the plane, right?" She asked once we were on our way to LaGuardia.
"No. I'm going up to the house after I spend the afternoon with Q. She said that she might come with me, but that's because she doesn't know that she's getting proposed to. Once she has that ring on her finger, I'm sure she's going to plant herself up Ceily's ass."
"I'm glad you won't be in the city alone. Thanks for packing for me." She said when she could tell that I was trying to make an effort.
"I had done laundry and figured that I might as well pack for you. I only packed like three days' worth of stuff, though."
"That's fine; I have clothes at our apartment too."
"Right...is that um...where you plan to stay?"
"I don't know."
"Are you really going to Lima?" I asked because I just couldn't help myself.
"Yes, where else would I go?"
"To California."
"Why would I do that?"
"I know that's where Frankie is."
"So, I haven't slept with her in forever, and I don't want to. Why would you even think that?"
"I don't know. You're the one who brought up me not sleeping next to Quinn. You implied we were fucking while you were gone; I thought that's just what we were doing now."
"Well, it's not."
"Thanks for telling me...at least you're telling me something."
From that point, it got ugly fast, and I'm not proud of yelling at her with Daniela in the car.
I tried to make it better and kiss away her tears before handing her to Britt, but the damage had been done, and I felt terrible about it, which I took out on Britt, of course.
She was had strapped Daniela into her little stroller and handed her a sucker to get her calm, then leaned into the car just as the Bluetooth was connecting a call.
"Just so you know, I brought Henry with me. I love you, baby. I'm sorry about this."
Her apology came a little too late as far as I was concerned.
"I don't give a fuck! Just go." I said, and Britt nodded, pushing the stroller away with her head hung low. Which made me feel even worse, which is why I then snapped at Quinn. "What?!"
"San, what the heck is going on?"
"Oh...hey, Lucy Q. What's up?" I turned on my cheery disposition and began my drive to Brooklyn.
"What are you doing? Are you okay?"
"Yeah, I'm fine. I was just dropping off Brittany at the airport, and now I'm on my way to you."
"Tell me that's not how you said goodbye to her, Santana?!"
"It's been a difficult morning. Cut me some slack, Blondie."
"I can't believe that is the last thing that you said to her."
"She'll get over it. It's fine...so...are you excited about our girl time?"
"Of course, What I really wanted to do was to share my good news with you...but you seem like you are in a mood...so I can just wait."
"She did it already?"
"What?"
"My sister, she asked?"
"How did you know?"
"Because she called and asked for my blessing."
"Oh. That's sweet of her...she told me that she had this whole romantic plan, but we had this wonderful love-making marathon, and she asked me before leaving for work."
"Wanky. That is sweet. I can't believe she went to work."
"Well, she knew that we were getting our nails done, so she's paying and said she'd meet us for lunch."
"Awesome! I'll see you in like thirty minutes. Are we going to that place up the street from Ceily's...that's where you are, right?"
"Yea."
"Okay, see you soon. Oh, and Q?"
"Yeah?"
"Welcome to the family."
Quinn met me outside the salon with a knowing look and a giant mug of coffee.
"You made me a coffee?"
"I did, the way that Abuela taught us."
"Hold the fuck up; you remember how to make my Abuela's coffee?" I took a sip, and sure enough, the taste brought tears to my eyes. "Best sister-in-law, ever...other than Court, that is." I crossed myself, saying a little prayer for Court, Daniela, and by default, my wife.
Quinn could see what Britt hadn't been able to; I was at a limit. I had hoped that when she saw me send both my children away, that she'd stop and think about why I did that.
It was all a cry for help. I just didn't get how Britt could agree to lead our little family and then abandon me at a crucial moment when all I wanted was her.
I wanted nothing more than for the world to disappear or to at least disappear from the world.
"Should I worry?" She asked me when we were mid-conversation about Beth's upcoming play.
I wanted to say yes, but I couldn't.
"That's not your place anymore, Q."
"It will always be my place, Santana. We belonged to each other before Celia and Britt came along."
I picked up her left hand and looked at the rock my sister had put on her hand, then gave her hand a squeeze.
"Why are you asking me that, Q? If I said yes, what would you do?"
"I'd do whatever needed to be done." I raised my eyebrow, and she nodded, "Even that."
"Well, thanks, but no thanks."
"You sent away both your kids, San."
"Mari offered to take Isaac up to Sandra's."
"She didn't. I was sitting right across from her when you called. We were in the middle of telling her and Saul."
"So what?"
"So, I'm concerned about you being alone today after this."
"I don't need you to babysit me."
"Don't let your pride get in your way, San."
"You know what...fuck you, Quinn." I hissed.
I refused to speak to her after that, and when my nails were done, I slammed down the money for both manicures and left her sitting there.
I didn't care about being alone,
I didn't care about Britt leaving me to fend for myself.
I didn't care about her stupid fucking engagement.
Or that I was in Brooklyn...
But I should have.
It took a split second for things to go south.
He had been watching me; I should have been more alert, but I was distracted by Britt leaving and Quinn hitting a little too close to home.
I knew that he lived in Brooklyn, half my jobs did, but I thought I was safe. He was already in trouble with Columbia, so I thought that he wouldn't fucking dare.
Marco was dead.
Papi was long gone.
I had stopped looking over my shoulder at some point.
My guard was down.
And even though my best friend was less than twenty feet away with her back to me...I couldn't be saved.
He gripped my neck just under my hair and hustled me down the street with his hand tightly around my arm.
"Scream, and they all fucking die...starting with little Isaac...I'll shoot him up and then peel him like a grape."
My heart stopped.
I was deaf to the world around me.
He had threatened Britt and me before.
But my son...by name...that had not happened.
Ever.
So I went with him.
Willingly.
I found my voice again once we were in his house. Which I remembered on sight, he lived less than a block away from my sister, and I didn't notice because I had only been to his house after dark.
If I looked out of the front window of his house at just the right angle, I could see my truck parked outside of Celia's house; that's how he must have seen me.
He stared at me like he was expecting me to freak out and scream for help, but I knew from experience that his house and windows were soundproofed. It was useless to scream.
I marched into his front sitting room and stood close to the door, forcing him to go fully into the room.
"What do you want?" I tried to ask it calmly, but I was already on edge; there was no way my tone was calm.
I knew how to play his game because Marco had taught me.
The first thing I needed to do was to stroke his ego. If I acknowledged that he was powerful, then he'd slip up.
Every psychopath has a tell that offers you an opportunity to escape, so I'd play his game so that I could get out alive.
This wasn't his office where anyone could hear; I knew that I was at his mercy.
"Put your phone on the coffee table."
I put it down face up and then waited for his next demand.
"Good girl. I forget how well trained you are, little one."
I didn't say anything or move; I couldn't make any rash moves because Dr. Cray was more dangerous than any man I'd met in my life.
So I had to be submissive because it meant my survival, and more than that...it meant that he was far, far away from my kids.
"What do you want from me, Trent?" He flinched, using his first name showed him that I wasn't going down like I used to. I wasn't that same girl.
It wasn't a smart move, but what move was when dealing with a nutjob like him.
He looked at me with a cool glare as he filled up two tumblers with Scotch, a drink that we both loved.
Then he put a syringe down on the table next to the glass.
"Drink up, sunshine; it's time we had a talk."
I picked up the glass and then sat on the edge of the couch while keeping my eye on that syringe.
"About what?" I asked as I swirled the scotch.
"Drink first."
He seemed way too eager to have me drink...but I hadn't seen him take a sip yet.
"You first, Sir." He liked that. I watched him closely as he threw back his drink with ease and then placed it daintily down on the marble counter.
"Your turn."
I swirled the liquid...there was no cloudiness and, there was no odor as I brought it closer to my nose, but that meant nothing.
He was quick as I drank. He lunged forward and pushed that syringe into my neck.
I choked on the burning liquid and let the glass fall to the floor, where it shattered.
The feeling hit me instantly.
The high.
The flying.
My hands had been shaking with tremors all morning, and now...they were still as stone.
The look of triumph on his face made me want to scream, but instead, I put my fingers against the sting on my neck. He'd hit a vein, my fingers came back with blood.
"Why?" I asked as I tried to push past the fog in my head.
"You know why."
"What did you give me?"
"Speed-ball...you remember those...right, only this one adheres to your DNA. I was grateful for the blood sample that you gave me. I crafted this to be more addictive and psychotropic than ever."
I tried to nod my head, but it felt like I was floating. My head was fuzzy, and my mouth was dry.
This was not what I wanted...I should have waited for Quinn and let her help me.
My stupid fucking pride had landed me in the clutches of the one living person that shook me to my core.
"What...do you want?" I moaned as my skin tingled and my breathing sped up.
I was really high... higher than I could ever remember being.
"Only your credibility... let's see you testify with this kind of drug." So he planned to let me live but only with half a life.
I closed my eyes and tried to remember why I'd walked off...why had I been mad?
He pulled me to my feet and began pulling at my shirt.
"Let me go."
"I need to check on my handy work...and see just how much you missed me. I added an aphrodisiac. You were always my best test subject. The most pliable and willing. Addicted to sex and drugs...and pain."
"Stop, Sir...please?" I said when he pressed himself against me.
"Be a good girl, and we can go on with our lives. Can you do that?"
Even though my high, I could feel the rage surging through me but I knew I was his in that moment.
There was no way out.
I thought of my wife...somewhere in the sky, not knowing that I was lost in the wind.
Quinn's POV
We'd gotten our toes done and were about to get manicures when she left me.
I should have followed her, but instead, I sat there, watching her leave.
Then I saw him and couldn't move fast enough out of that salon; he was faster.
By the time I got outside, she was gone, and I felt horrible.
So I called Ceily to let her know that I'd lost San, then I called B, but she didn't answer, and I wasn't going to leave that kind of message. I just asked her to call me back.
I went home and changed into sneakers while I waited for someone to call me back.
And then, I called her over and over again.
My voicemails getting increasingly frantic.
"This isn't funny, Santana...where the fuck did you go? I came out of the salon and saw you walking with some guy that looked like Dr. Cray; I'm praying that I'm wrong. It's been over an hour...where are you?"
By the time that Ceily got home, San had been gone for two hours.
I was frantically pacing on the sidewalk just outside of her truck with my heart racing; all I kept thinking was that I should have gone after her.
"Anything?" Celia asked as she came up the street with Noah.
He was just barely a cop; I needed any help he could give us.
"Nothing."
"Tell me what happened." Noah said, and I nodded.
"We were getting our nails done. We had a disagreement, and so she stormed out. My nails weren't done...but the minute they were, I followed her, but she was gone. Her car is still here; I think I saw a guy with her that looked like Dr. Cray. I'm freaking the fuck out. I've been calling her phone for two hours, and she isn't answering."
"Shit. Where's Brittany?"
"She's should be just getting to Lima."
"Fuck...look, keep calling. I'm going to call Gladys and Puck. Can you call Captain Dominguez...that's your boss, right?"
I watched as Ceily took charge of the situation.
This was the woman who I was marrying.
Her sister was missing...once again, and she was taking charge like a soldier.
Like Sandra.
It was attractive.
Puck walked off with his phone, and then I turned towards my fiancé.
"I've got an address for Dr. Cray. He's like a block from here, definitely not safe." Noah said, and I just nodded, knowing he was thinking about Beth.
"Can we just walk over there and bang on the door?" Ceily asked him.
"Captain says to wait for backup, but I don't think we should...doesn't hurt to walk over."
Ceily took my hand and kissed my face. "Stop blaming yourself. She's an adult...we'll find her. Okay?"
"Okay."
"Breathe, my love."
"This is bad; I can feel it...I will never forgive myself if something happened..."
Celia gripped my hand and pulled me forward.
"Don't talk like that."
"What the fuck?" Ceily said as we crossed the street.
"What?"
"Ana?" I heard her yell.
And that's when I saw her.
San was sitting on a stoop with blood covering her hands and soaking her sweatshirt.
Her eyes were glazed over, and she was staring straight ahead.
"Oh my God!"
I dropped to my knees in front of her and looked into her eyes but was met with a vacant expression.
She was really high.
And she was shaking.
"Sis...what happened...where are your shoes?"
Celia was knelt down now too.
When I looked down at her feet, I could see that they were covered in blood too.
And when I looked behind her, I could see that the steps had her bloody footprints on them.
"San? What happened?"
"I-I...I'm so sorry!" She covered her face with her blood-covered hands and started to take deep breaths. "Ay Dios...ay dios...ayudame!"
And that's when the sirens started.
What had she done?
