II. I TRY

Games, changes and fears

When will they go from here?

When will they stop?

There was a familiar sour taste invading her mouth.

There was a pounding on the sides of her head.

And she hadn't drank a single drop of alcohol the night before. Even more so, she hadn't gone out at all last night.

However, every single year without an exception, she'd wake up with an un-alcoholic related hangover. Every day, every year since she was a little girl. Eleven blinked slowly before completely opening her eyes and getting up. Mainly out of routine, the young woman grabbed her phone from the nearby wooden bedside table. It was like she inherently knew what day it was before even checking it.

Saturday, September 23rd. Her mother and stepfather's marriage anniversary. The day The Brenner Family came to be.

She could feel her stomach churning painfully – out of disgust, probably.

Despite knowing her redhead best friend probably had plans for them tonight – mainly because Max was perfectly ware of what a shitty effing day this was and also because it had sort of become a tradition for them to get wasted on September 22nds –, El wasn't able to feel anything other than an all-consuming dread.

Ad who could blame her, really.

Eleven knew she had to call them: put on her best fake happy smile and wish them the absolute best day in the world. Then, she'd ask if they had gotten the ridiculously expensive (and ugly) gift she'd bought for them and pretend to be excited for the (lame) plans they probably had for the day.

It didn't matter that it made Eleven sick to her freaking stomach to picture what was probably happening behind the cold, loveless stare of her stepfather and the (fake) smile her mother will most surely be sporting today. It didn't matter that she knew for a fact that her mother was unhappy. It didn't matter that El knew that her mother would probably spend the night crying in the bathroom, like she used to do whenever she thought her husband and daughter were already asleep. It didn't matter that Terry Ives had been living the life of a prisoner for many, many years – the life of a comfortable prisoner: like a canary in a gilded cage, rather than an actual person in jail.

Martin Brenner was a cold, unsympathetic and meticulous man who was genuinely convinced that money was happiness and love: if there was something someone as heartless as Dr. Martin Brenner could pride himself in was that he provided the most ridiculously plush life for his wife and stepdaughter.

They had nothing to complain of, in theory.

But, in reality, there was a lot that they lacked.

He could never provide love or happiness by himself if his life depended on it, El thought with disgust.

The young woman could not bring herself to imagine how there had indeed been a time in which she had actually admired such a man. The very thought of that was a source of great shame to her. Jane Ives had been only six when Terry Ives introduced her to her new boyfriend – "meet your Papa", Terry had said to the excited little girl. Little Jane Ives had been helplessly blinded by all the new toys and her new pink room (she'd never had a whole bedroom for herself), and she couldn't help but truly believe that Martin Brenner was the best thing that had happened to their small, broken family.

Well, she realized now with bitterness, any man could become a hero in a little girl's eyes when she never had anyone else to compare him to.

El was glad that she'd gotten over that phase soon enough.

All it took was witnessing by chance how Martin Brenner punched her mother in the stomach. You stupid disgusting whore, you and your scrawny girl are absolutely nothing without me. Little Jane had watched in shock the way her mother crumpled to the ground as her stepfather mercilessly spewed terrible words at her, further breaking her down. You should be thankful I'm generous enough to give you a roof and a bed for free, all you have to do is keep your fucking mouth shut and be the perfect wife I want you to be. Are you really so fucking stupid you can't understand that at least?

The eight-year-old had been terrified by the whole thing and, despite all the smiling therapists and exotic chocolates and expensive toys, had refused to mutter a single word for a year after that.

Like her daughter, Terry Ives had changed after that, too. The older woman had also grown quiet and slowly started keeping a lot more to herself – ashamed by what had happened, for being unable to "please the man she loved". Because if there was something Terry Ives was sure of despite everything was that she was in love with Martin Brenner.

Terry loved him so, so much.

She needed him.

She would die for him.

And because Terry loved him and trusted him and would do anything for him, slowly, she let Brenner become her everything and take over everything else in her life. She stopped working and going out with her friends and, later on, refused to go out at all except if she had Brenner by her side. She also stopped spending time with her daughter up until, at one point, it was almost as if she had forgotten the little girl's entire existence.

Terry Ives became absent, blissfully absent, despite being right there.

Suddenly it was as if Terry didn't know how to be Jane's mother anymore, as if she didn't even know who Jane was. It became usual for the little girl to feel neglected and unloved by her previously caring and loving mother.

Terry's daughter, Jane, observed her mother's tragic decay from the sidelines. Always present and silently watching but always going unnoticed by her mother.

The young girl had been deeply hurt by it; especially when, after being viciously pushed away both physically and emotionally by her mother, Jane realized that Terry probably didn't love her anymore. The young girl grew up resenting Martin Brenner and, later on, (after trying countless times to talk to her mother about the abuse and after being pushed away one too many times) she grew to resent her mother, too.

She was disgusted by her stepfather's abominable actions, but she was also disgusted by her mother's weakness. How could someone change so completely?

Soon, Brenner became the actual parent in the house, always terribly demanding but at least giving young Jane some of the attention she craved – he seemed to believe she was capable enough to do something with her life and, despite feeling a deep hatred for him, little Jane always tried not to disappoint him. When Jane Ives turned eleven years old, Martin Brenner legally adopted her and she officially became Jane Brenner, the Doctor's perfect and obedient daughter.

For everyone in town, Martin, Terry and Jane were the perfect nuclear family. Always polished, always smiling.

It had been years and years of Jane keeping all the disgust, hatred, discomfort and resentment in. Even now, some days, El wondered how a young girl could had been able to endure everything for so fucking long. She had been lucky to meet Max Mayfield during the fourth grade; having such a loyal and caring person as a steady presence in her life definitely helped balance out all of the bad.

Most of the time, the young girl had managed to be the perfect daughter for Brenner, in the hopes of being able to leave on day and never look back. Max and her had a plan figured out, in which they would move to the other side of the country as soon as possible and finally forget all about their shitty families.

El had to admit that Max's genius plan mainly worked fine… except on days like this.

Even now, in college and thousands of miles away from Terry Ives and Martin Brenner, the ghosts of the past still followed her around everywhere. El tried to think that all of it had made her stronger. Her mother's weakness and unwillingness to leave Brenner – El had tried to get her out of that marriage so many times, only to be rudely pushed away and viciously attacked by her mother – had managed to convince her of one thing: only stupid people made the blunder of falling in love.

Love was control.

Love was about someone winning and someone losing.

Love was the worst mistake anyone could make in their live.

Love was bad.

If there was something Jane 'Eleven' Brenner knew for sure, was that she was not stupid.

She would rather die than make the same idiotic mistake her mother did.

I play it off, but I'm dreaming of you

And I'll keep my cool, but I'm fiendin'

It had been two weeks since Mike had met that beautiful and intriguing girl at the Santa Ana beach. And he couldn't forget her (not that he was trying, or something). He couldn't stop thinking about her, about what he'd felt during the couple of hours they'd talked.

It had been amazing.

However, the situation had also become a source of great frustration for him and he couldn't stop kicking himself mentally for being so stupid and letting his "opportunity" with her slip through his fingers. Mike knew for a fact that there were zero to no chances of them ever meeting again by chance, he had done the math.

The fact that his three best friends had agreed that he had been a dweeb for not asking for her name hadn't helped at all either. Who could have guessed that the first time all of them could agree on something it would be on how utterly awkward and unlucky Mike's love life was? It was ironic even.

But Michael Wheeler was not a quitter and he was determined to find her again, even if just to learn her name. It would be an understatement to say that he'd been desperately hoping to bump into her, even though it was a mostly delusional wish.

For that reason, most afternoons of the fourteen days that had passed, he could be found "casually" biking down the road near the bay area or sitting on the sidewalk reading comics with his back on the brick fence.

However, there had been no luck.

I try to say goodbye and I choke

Try to walk away and I stumble

Despite how much she'd actually wanted to talk to Bicycle Guy again, El kept her distance. She went out for a power walk almost every afternoon or night but always carefully avoided the bay area and the beach in general – which was a shame, really, since the view never failed to make her feel relaxed and better.

Two days after meeting Bicycle Guy, she had made her way to the bay area wondering absentmindedly whether she should convince Max to do a marathon of the X-Men movies some of this days.

And he'd been there.

She'd been so distracted she almost didn't notice him. Almost. But those black curls (flopping wildly because of the breeze) and the bicycle by his side were telling. It was such familiar a sight and yet everything about it belonged to such a stranger. She knew deep down that it could mean no good.

El's heart had done a weird sort of flop and she turned the other way and ran.

Why had she done that? Not even she could say for sure.

It was ironic, really. El had never been intimidated by the unknown.

In fact, most of her non-academic decisions had been taken based on the wise principle of "fuck-it-all" as an answer to any and all life-changing questions.

Cut your hair really short because you just can't handle brushing it every morning (and wasting precious time you could spend sleeping)? Duh. Sneak out on a school night to go to a college party where you know no one? Sure! Get a quirky black tattoo with your weird childhood nickname on the inside of the wrist? Fuck yeah! Spray paint obscenities on the lockers of the dumb mouth breathers who made fun of your short hair? Obviously. Go out with the older boy you met in detention? Yes (despite knowing how much of a fuckboy he is). Drive said fuckboy's motorcycle without a helmet (despite not knowing how to drive)? Sure, why not. Attempt to climb a wire fence on a dare despite having a broken arm (courtesy of the motorcycle drive)? Fuck yes.

And on and on it went.

So much so that Max got scared enough and couldn't help but abandon her own reckless behavior for her friend's sake sometime during sophomore year. The redhead girl knew that all of it was her friend's way of rebelling and forgetting and letting go of all the crappiness of her life at the Brenner household. Max, having the home life she had, truly understood and empathised with it. However, sometimes, even she had to admit that Jane 'El' Brenner couldn't really put herself a limit.

And something like that could only end badly for her brunette friend.

By the time they'd gone to college, El's yolo attitude was a lot more moderate than what it once was. However, her fearlessness and boldness had remained.

With this in mind, it was understandable why El would now find her thoughtless instinct of running away from Bicycle Guy so intriguing and unsettling.

The more she thought about it, the more she told herself that it was just avoiding trouble, really… at least that was what she was trying to convince herself of every afternoon she set a sneakered foot outside her and Max's apartment and walked on the opposite direction of the beach area.

I believe that fate has brought us here

And we should be together babe

But we're not

"EARTH TO MIKE," Lucas bellowed in his friend's general direction, waving his hand in front of his freckled face.

"Huh? What?" Mike asked, looking around and trying to act normal as he poured a generous portion of maple syrup into his scrambled eggs.

"Dude, you've got to stop zoning out like that," Dusting intervened with his mouth full of scrambled eggs and bread.

"It's gotten worse," Will commented.

Lucas and Dustin nodded in agreement.

"Man, you've got to get your shit together and get ov-," Dustin began.

" –anyway, I was just telling you nerds that I've actually got us tickets to the best fucking rave in the city," Lucas explained, interrupting Dustin midsentence and barely able to contain his excitement.

Dustin looked up from his half-empty plate, mouth hanging open in disbelief.

"Lucas, when will you understand we are just not the party type?" Mike wondered with a sigh as Will nodded.

"Are you for real man? Last time we had to drag you out before those lacrosse players beat the shit out of you," Dustin continued looking at his friend with disbelief, "you put the Party in danger, we almost perished!"

"That's exactly what I mean!" Mike exclaimed.

"I would prefer to stay home today," Will added.

"Come on you nerds! It's Saturday!" Lucas shouted incredulously.

"Not in the mood dude," Dustin answered, shrugging.

"Yeah," Mike simply added as he shoved a spoonful of sweetened scrambled eggs into his mouth.

Lucas glanced hopefully at Will.

The thin boy had gone out with Lucas as a "wingman" a couple of times, feeling sorry for the fact that none of the other two had wanted to go with him. Will, however, always ended up thoroughly regretting it every time.

"I'm sorry Lucas," Will said, looking apologetic.

"How can you guys be so fucking boring?" Lucas complained.

"Do you realize our lives are basically a bad remake of The Big Bang Theory?" Lucas asked in outrage, "We need to spice things up!"

Will, Mike and Dustin glared at Lucas, not quite believing what he just said.

Everything went silent for a while but then Dustin laughed loudly, his whole body shaking hilariously, and almost fell out of the stool he was currently sitting on. Will, who was the closest to the curly haired boy, tried to help steady him but, unfortunately, let out a bubble of laughter he'd been repressing and both of them comically slipped from their stools. Both boys (and their stools) landed loudly on the floor.

"Motherfucker!" Dustin exclaimed as he rubbed his backside.

At that, neither Mike nor Lucas could maintain their serious façades and, all at once, erupted in loud chuckles.

I may appear to be free

But I'm just a prisoner…

And I may seem all right and smile…

But my smiles are just a front

The screen was dark for a second before an image appeared on the screen of the tablet she was currently holding. The familiar faces of her mother and stepfather filled the wide surface of the screen and El did her best not to flinch at the painful onslaught of memories those two faces brought her.

"Good morning Papa," El said trying to plaster the biggest, toothiest happy smile on her face, "hello mom".

She could feel Max's sympathetic and supportive presence in the background, and she felt a tiny bit reassured. Despite her tough and cool exterior, the thing that El could no longer bear to face alone was them, especially on this day.

"Jane, it's always such a joy to see you," Brenner said emotionlessly, his piercing eyes assessing his stepdaughter coldly, "isn't it dear?"

As if on cue, Terry Ives smiled at her daughter on the computer screen on their side of the country.

El's smile faltered a bit.

Her mother's gaze seemed dazed, like it always did now, but her unwrinkled face was unusually pale. So pale that not even the heavy layer of makeup on Terry's face could cover up the large bags underneath her eyes.

"How's mom doing?" El asked, gulping the knot on her throat and knowing better than to ask her mother directly.

Brenner glanced at his wife with distaste.

"She's been having insomnia and refusing to eat three times a day," her stepfather answered, talking about his wife as if she was an unruly, disobedient child who wasn't even in the same room.

"But she's doing better now with the special pills my friend prescribed," he answered coldly, "aren't you my dear?"

Terry smiled another fake smile and nodded exaggeratedly.

Jane's worried frown deepened and Brenner noticed.

"Go on, tell Jane here how great you're doing Terry," he prodded.

"I'm fine Jane! I've never been happier".

It made El sick to her stomach to know that, knowing how fucked up things were, Terry probably truly believed that this was a happy life.

"Did you get my present?" El asked attempting another fake smile, desperately wanting to get the video call over with.

"It was delightful Jane," Brenner said, "your mother loved it."

El smiled. She didn't know if she felt relief over Brenner finding her actions satisfactory, or if she felt disappointment over Brenner not being displeased by the ugly vase she'd bought as an anniversary present for them and the failure of her little rebellious act.

"Well, I have to go now, you know, lots of stuff to organize and read and, uh, do… but I hope you have an amazing day!" she said, trying not to make it sound sarcastic or accidentally roll her eyes.

"We always do," Brenner answered.

Terry Ives smiled at her daughter, meeting her gaze on the screen for the first time.

I'm ok, the older woman seemed to wordlessly say.

El looked downwards and pressed the red button on the lower part of the screen, the smile dying on her lips as soon as the call ended.

She knew better.

A/N: Thanks for all the lovely comments on the first chapter. I'm so excited for you to see what I have in store for this story!

Please tell me what are your thoughts so far! :)