La Di Da (Lennon Stella)


Brittany's POV


"Step, ball change, kick. Step ball change, kick. We will start slow and speed up. Ready to the left on 3. 1-2-3!"

I faced the mirror and started the dance move in slow motion, watching closely as the 27 people behind me followed my steps.

Back in the day, when we were prepping for the Madonna tour, Frankie saw the way I trained...slow movements, then gradually faster until I could do the whole dance routine full speed with my eyes closed without tripping.

When we needed to fill a gap in the opening routine this time around, she suggested using that method. Normally, it helped the person who was having trouble stand out.

It's what made my group seamless normally.

Everyone but my best dancer was keeping in step...which couldn't be happening.

Ari was normally amazing, but she didn't know how to slow it down...at least not now.

I clapped my hands, and everyone went back to the first position.

"Ari, up here, let's go."

She nodded and hustled to the front.

"Yeah?" She said, pulling down her knit cap while trying on a smile, but I could see the dark circles under her eyes.

"Are you sick again?" I whispered.

"Uh...I'm fine...just, you didn't warn us that it was going to be one of your tortoise to hare dance rehearsals."

"You've never messed up this much in a row. We've had to restart 5 or 6 times now, and I did warn you."

"Oh...I'm sorry. Crap...look...can we break? We've been at this for hours, and I could use a minute."

She wasn't wrong; I'd been working half the production through routines for four hours with only two fifteen-minute breaks.

It wasn't anyone's fault but mine, but I knew I was taking it out on them.

After so many months off, I was sure that everyone would be rusty, and I wasn't wrong.

But I hadn't been expecting Ari to be my problem child.

I turned to the room of exhausted-looking dancers and then glanced at my watch; not only did we need to stop because everyone was tired, but we had to stop because I had to get home.

"Let's huddle." I waved everyone in and waited for Yariv to run across the hall to Tony's room...knowing that when we stopped, so did Tony's group. The guys came in all smiles and sweat, including Grady, who was staring straight at me, then he tapped his watch. I nodded and waited for Tony to stand at my side. "Hi everyone, as you know, we have one last round of workshopping to do with the final script. We will be doing a two-week workshop in SoHo at the end of next month. So this week has been about waking up our feet and reminding them of the steps." I looked to Tony and let him deliver the good news.

"That being said, I know that we are usually in on Friday's, but you all can take the day off, paid of course, and we will see you here at 6:30am on Monday, be ready to partner up; we will be doing mixed classes next week with August and Frankie sitting in."

There were a few groans. Of course, Frankie and August didn't play favorites like Frank had...but he was gone now, so it was like starting from scratch.

When we came back for rehearsals, to find out that Frank had died over break, most of us cried...well I didn't, but most everyone else did.

Frankie had stepped up, and because of her, things were moving way faster than they ever had. We even had scored a theater on Broadway starting in the spring season...but we'd be able to start practicing there in December.

Hearing that had made everyone excited...but me. I was falling out of love with the whole show. My dances were set. There wasn't much to change anymore, just little tweaks here and there. I had gotten a huge job offer in LA, but with everything going down with Ana...I wasn't sure I was going to take it.

We were stuck in New York until the trial ended. Ana had committed herself as a witness and would need to be there when they needed her. Try as I might, leaving her just doesn't feel right anymore.

Not with the way she's become.

I was just counting the days until Quinn came back to the city; at least with her around, I can get a break.

Work, kids, work...round and round.

I was exhausted.

"Meditation moment." I said to everyone, and they got in their comfort poses. Tony hit the lights. For 60 seconds, we all took our moment of silence in honor of Frank for some of them...and for me, a moment to pray for my wife...and now Ari.


Once the room cleared, I noticed that Ari lingered for me with that exhausted look on her face.

"How are you holding up, B?"

"I'm doing okay."

"And Santana?"

"No idea."

"How is that possible?"

"With her...anything is possible...she's home at least."

Not that she had much choice, I had gone to Gladys with my tail between my legs and asked her to get the court to cut back Ana's restrictions on that ankle monitor.

Until the case is over, she can't step foot outside our building, not even onto the patio. Luckily for her, the trial date had been moved up to mid-August since Sugar's death came close to seeming like a hit job.

The case was still open with no leads, just a lot of questions. At Nico's insistence, I hired new security for the building and put alarms for the elevator so we'd know when people came and went.

Our apartment was a fortress but I guess, being trapped inside all day, without the kids or me for company made Ana sadder.

All of the things that I had done to make her feel safe, had turned her into a zombie.

But what other choice did I have?

"I haven't seen her in months; maybe I can come over?"

"She's not herself, Ari. So I'm not sure it will make a difference."

"You do remember who I am, right?"

"Her soulmate...how could I ever forget that?"

"Look, let me help...with everything that I've heard, you could use any bit of help you can get?"

"Grady?" I sighed.

"Yep. Two weeks back, and he's already back in your good graces, huh?"

"No. He is just like a tick; he shows up when I'm eating lunch and breaks me down until I talk."

"Like I do with Ana?"

"Yeah, exactly like that...we have to stop to get the kids, then we can head upstairs."

"Great, let's go grab our bags and head out then. I'm excited to see her."

"Famous last words."

We shared a cab to TriBeCa with Ari filling me in on her stumbles during rehearsal.

"I relapsed...my Cancer. There was a tumor on my ulna. I got it removed, see." She showed me her arm, where a red scar ran down it. "I got chemo for a few months; I've been officially back on my feet for three weeks."

"Wow. Is it gone?"

"The tests have come back clear; I'm in remission, but when it comes to my body...I never 100%. I've relapsed 8 times since I was four. So, the transplant worked well, the leukemia is still dormant, thank God...this was something new."

"Do you need anything?"

"No marrow, for now, all I need is rest. I've been staying with Gloria, she got me a puppy when I started chemo, something for me to cuddle, but it's a yappy little asshole."

"You sound like Ana...well...how she used to be."

"I've only heard bits and pieces...what happened?"

"A lot." I said when I caught the cab driver looking back at us through the rearview.

Ari saw where I was looking and nodded.

I always did appreciate that she could notice when the energy had changed and adjust.

Just like Ana.


When we got to the daycare, there was a line of teachers welcoming parents in.

Izzy's teacher saw me and excitedly waved.

"Hey, Ms. Dee."

"Hi! I'm so glad you could make the show."

"Show?"

"The music show that Daniela is in. She's playing two different instruments. Will be Santana be joining us? We were hoping she could give us a piano solo."

"She's not feeling great right now. What time does the show start? I need to go check on her."

Ms. Dee looked at her watch and then smiled up at me.

"Showtime is in twenty minutes."

"Great! I'll be right back."

Ari followed me to the elevators and watched me fidget.

Every day for two weeks, I had come home with the expectation that Ana would get out of bed and actually get dressed.

But I had been disappointed every day.

I didn't expect today to be any different.

Ari was in step with me as we made our way to the door.

Just as I put my key in the lock, it swung open.

Ana stood there, looking wide-eyed at me and then Ari.

"You're early." She said, and I felt stunned. It was the first time she had spoken to me in 11 days...the moment she found out she was restricted to the building, she'd shut down.

She blocked the doorway as she looked from me to Ari, then back again.

"I'm only like a half hour early...why are you blocking the door?"

The door to our bedroom opened, and out came Nico.

And when he looked up and saw me, his face got just as stunned as Ana's but for only a second before he shrugged. He picked up his jacket and then stepped past us into the hallway after he smiled and nodded at us.

He was just as normal as always; I needed to not jump to conclusions.

Nico loved Carmen. So even though the rage monster in me wanted to eat him alive, he was just a man who had lost his niece and was probably just here to check on Ana...but had he...fucked my wife in the process?

Or was he just loading her up with drugs?

I wasn't sure which thing I hated more.

He stood with his back to me, which I know from all my time with Ana, meant that he didn't see me as a threat.

I turned to look at Ana, but she wasn't in the doorway anymore; she'd left it open and wandered back towards our room.

"Maybe I should come back another time?" Ari said to me as I stepped into the apartment.

"I don't have time to argue with her; I'm going to head back downstairs in a minute...you can stay."


I walked into the room and saw my wife sitting in bed again, flipping through channels.

"Why was he here?"

"He wanted to talk about Sugar...and about the case. He told me that after it's over, I should leave New York for a while, and I couldn't agree more." She said without looking at me. So I stepped between her and the tv; her eyes were squinted as she glared. "What?"

"You have a guest; Ari came to see you."

"No thanks." She said, trying to see around me.

"Dani has a music show downstairs; she's playing two instruments." She smirked and nodded.

"I know."

"Don't you want to go?"

"I dunno massa, is I allowed?" She said, mocking me. I hated when she tried to sound like a slave...it was just not cool.

"Gross." I folded my arms and stared her down.

"Can you move?"

"No. I need you to get dressed and show up for YOUR baby girl."

"She's barely three. She won't remember."

"My first memory was at 2." Ari said from the doorway, and Ana rolled her eyes.

"Of course it was."

"You need to get out of this apartment. Come on. It will do you good...they even asked if you'd play."

"I don't play for free." She snarked, and I rolled my eyes.

"You don't play at all!" I snapped.

"How can you expect...the loft, B...I can't go up there!" I could tell that I was breaking her down, then Ari did what she hated doing.

"I just finished chemo; it would make me feel so much better if we could go see my little prima show out."

The Cancer card worked every time.

Ana looked at Ari and went to shrug, but then Ari pulled off her knit hat. Her curls were gone, replaced by her fuzzy head.

"Put that back on...fuck, I'll get dressed." Ana finally got up, and Ari wiped her eyes.

"Sorry to play that card...it...you needed it."

"You get to play that one time." Ana warned.

"No. I get to play that card for the rest of my life...however short it might be. So hurry up."

"Damn...just...I'm hurrying."


Santana's POV


"I can't make what she left me stretch much longer...it's been hell...please, Nico?" I said to Nico as he adjusted his belt.

"No. I already told you, I don't carry that shit on me."

"But I need it...I'm sick without it."

"What about the medicine they prescribed you?"

"Haven't refilled it...I had coke through Sugar...fuck...so what was the point."

"You gotta stop, Santi." He cupped my cheek, but I yanked away from him.

Hadn't he played me enough, now he wanted to act like he had morals all of a sudden?

What I had just done...just for him to deny me drugs afterward made me feel gross.

Carmen would never forgive me if she found out.

The alarm for the elevator dinged, which meant someone was on their way up. "Fuck!" I rushed to the bathroom, brushed my teeth, and wiped the smell of him off my face.

"Look, if you can make it last, I'll bring some buy tomorrow...for another...payment of course, but you can only use when you're not with the kids. Got it?"

I nodded, feeling nauseous at the thought of another blow job, but for coke, I'd do it. "Thanks. She can't know what I just did, Nico. She'll tell Carmen." He nodded and finished adjusting his pants.

"Go meet her at the door, gotta take a piss. If she asks, we talked about Sugar...and about the case."

"Okay."

I was in deep shit, but I couldn't let B think we had gone past just talking, not when I was already on thin ice with her, and he couldn't afford to have Carmen turn on him.

Because she would, which was dangerous because she knew where more bodies were buried than probably even Nico did.

I felt guilty when Britt looked excited to see me out of bed.

And then Ari was standing just behind her, and the guilt increased 100 fold.

I could see the sickness hovering over her, and I knew that she was going to drop the bomb on me.

Britt's face dropped when she saw Nico, and when he didn't even act bashful like he hadn't just fucked my face...Britt didn't seem as angry.

She should have been, though.

I was a piece of shit.


My plan was to just watch tv and pray to God that she'd leave me alone, so I could shower away the disgusting, cheating, lying grossness that I felt.

But she only grabbed a change of clothes and headed into the bathroom, leaving me with Ari, the one person who was amazing at seeing right through me.

"You promised me." Ari said as she sat on the edge of the bed facing me.

The tears came immediately.

"I know." I whispered back.

"You said we couldn't be together because she is IT for you."

"I know."

"What did you do?"

"Drop it, Ari...please?"

"You know it will eat you alive if you don't confess."

"You're not a priest." I snapped, and she rolled her eyes.

"Would you prefer that I call Moncho?" She shook her phone at me, and I shook my head. I glanced to the bathroom, making sure that it was close and Britt wasn't lingering.

"Blowjob." I whispered, and she paled.

"Eww."

"I know...it was stupid."

"Then why?"

"Drugs." I felt low as I admitted my wrongs to Ari.

She took my shaking hands.

"You need to get up and get dressed; she's doing everything that she can. The only thing you need to do is be a Mami while you still can."

"She wouldn't." I felt like I got sucker-punched.

"I can tell she's giving up, Anita. It's written all over her and after this...I don't know if she's going to stick around."

The bathroom door opened, Britt was in a bra and sweat pants. "Be ready in two minutes. Ana, please, get dressed!" She sang.

I looked to Ari, and she nodded.

"Dalé."


Seeing my baby girl playing her bongos as the terrible choir sang was the best thing ever.

I took a zillion pictures while Britt bounced in place next to me.

Ari had asked to stay in our apartment; she would make dinner and wanted us to have some family time.

Leaving her up there made me nervous, but neither Britt nor I argued.

Izzy was in the audience clapping for his sister.

I was so proud of him.

Britt slid her arm around my waist and leaned her head on mine.

"She's got your talent." She whispered against my ear, and I shivered.

Her closeness made me feel terrible and turned on all at once.

"Umhmm." I said back.

"You belong to me, Santana Lopez."

"I know."

"Does Nico know?" I froze and tried to pull away, but she was holding me tightly against her side. "Answer me."

"Yes." I squeaked.

"We're married. This isn't high school where the plumbing was different. So if you cheat, I care because we made vows."

I nodded.

"I kn-know."

"Oh, look, her solo." Britt let me go and began to cheer for Daniela.

When the teacher asked for any parent volunteers, I knew that my being as close to my 'normal' self was basically gold for Britt.

So I volunteered and seeing the look of excitement on my baby girl's face was better than anything.

I lifted her up and placed her on top of the big piano. I could see the nerves of other people, but I knew Daniela; there was no way she'd fall off the top.

She clutched her little bongo and waited for me to begin to play.

I played a nursery rhyme that I had been practicing with her before everything with Sugar happened.

And like we'd practiced, Daniela hit her bongos on the notes that I had taught her.

Everyone cheered when we were done, and I lifted her off the piano and kissed her cheek dimple.

When she returned to her class and I moved back to where Britt was standing, she kissed my cheek dimple.

It felt good to not be on her shit list, even though it was just for a little while.


Why was I surprised to walk into our apartment and hear Marco's laughter?

I should have known that Ari would do that.

"Did you know he was coming?" Britt asked me as we helped the kids take off their shoes by the door.

"Nope."

"She really should have asked me." B seemed annoyed, but I knew her...there was no way she would call Ari out on it. "You monsters want to go play while I get dinner ready?"

"Yay!" The kids shouted and ran towards their playroom.

"March!" Britt called after them, and they slowed down and began to march towards the playroom.

"Hut, two, tree!" Daniela said, and Isaac followed behind her happily.

Britt hopped to her feet and held her hand out for me. I was on my knees, and she raised an eyebrow.

I pushed myself up and then walked away from her, towards my ex-husband and his treacherous cousin, because right then, they seemed way safer than my wife.

Go figure!

Marco wasn't wearing his collar, but he had shaved his beautiful fucking curls off.

"How could you?!" I said to him, and he ran a hand over his head.

"I need to get rid of my old life, and old Marco was vain. My hair was a big part of that."

"I loved it." I said, "In fact, it was the only thing I loved about you."

"That's a lie." He teased, and I rolled my eyes.

"Priests don't have sex parts, Marco. So you are officially a Ken doll now." Ari said, and he cackled.

I fell so easily into my banter with Ari and Marco that I didn't notice Britt sliding onto the stool beside me until Marco nodded at her.

"What brings you by, Padre?" Britt asked him.

"People talk...but mostly, I've meant to check on you after Sugar. I'm truly sorry for your loss. I mean that for you both, she was a crackpot but I loyal one." He joked, and I felt the sting.

I glanced up at the loft, and then, for the first time since that night, I broke.

With my face in my hands I wept.

And I didn't care.

Britt rubbed my back, which I didn't deserve and Marco fussed over Ari about her knit cap...instead of saying anything else to me.

He'd learned to let a mood settle instead of trying to make everything happy-go-lucky.

"I'm glad you're here, Marco...maybe you can talk to your ex-wife about adultery and why it's wrong. I'm going to give the kids a bath; I can't do this tonight; I'm just too tired." Hearing Britt say that made me break even further. I dropped my hands and watched her walk away from us.

"Ari told me about that too." Marco said, and I glared at Ari.

"How dare you come in here and start shit, Ariana!" Of course, I never yelled at her but damn if I didn't feel like it.

"Confrontation is better than building resentment. You know that. Obviously, she knows you did something...you need to face that, Anita. She deserves it."

"SHE deserves it? Does she not go to work with Frankie and Grady, every single day?"

"And SHE also puts up with seeing ME every day...and Quinn all the time, and Moncho. Everywhere she turns, there's someone who's been up in you, Santana. Besides, I owed you one."

People could never figure out how a sweet person like Ari could be friends with someone like me...but there it was.

Months...a year? However, long later, she was getting me back for telling Gloria about us hooking up.

"Wow...that's pretty fucked up, Ari. I was already feeling low, and you just kicked the shit out of me while I was down. Dinner smells great, and I'm sorry that you were sick, but I think it's time you got the fuck up outta my home." I said, standing up so fast that the stool fell backward and slammed into the floor.

Marco placed himself in front of Ari, and Britt yelled from the bathroom, "What was that?!"

"No, Moncho. Let her hit me if she wants." Ari said, pushing him aside. She was in my face now; even though I was taller than her, her presence was bigger. "You want to lash out at me? Go ahead, Santana."

My tough attitude fell away.

"I'm too sober for this shit, Ari...please just...go?" I asked, feeling like a bitch rolling onto her back and submitting.

Once a bottom...I shook my head as I thought of Quinn's smug face.

And Sugar's.

I turned from Ari and ran to my room, slamming the door behind me before going straight for the last bit of my stash.

Fuck the world.

With my last few bumps lined up on the nightstand, I said goodbye to pretending.

Goodbye to trying to be anything more than the junkie I was.

It was more than I had allowed myself, so I knew the chance of passing out was greater.

And when the darkness came, I welcomed it like an old friend.