Again, a minor trigger warning for past r p3 and other terrible things.
Hopefully, the last for this subject. It only makes mention in passing of Sakura's personal, prepubescent hell, but again, it's there, so please be warned if that's a thing which bothers you.

04—Paramnesia

Sakura remains wordless, breathless, as Taiasu recounts with eery accuracy her time suffered in that hell. A retelling which doesn't end with the old man leaving that nightmarish pit. Apparently the Echo, as the tale's medium, wasn't willing to relinquish him just then, as it had more that it needed him to know.

Like the young man's end.

"His hair was ghostly white. One of his eyes was milky, and I don't think he could see through it anymore. His face was… marred… in places. It looked like the veins under his skin were about to burst," Taiasu mutters, staring at the ground.

Something had afflicted that man long before that moment, when Taiasu witnessed him sinking into that hellish pit, where he was quickly devoured. A memory better left unopened, Sakura remembers vividly, when all she could do was look on from those stairs in silence, having been so damaged by her 'education' that she could give no outward response.

And even that wasn't the end of what the Echo willed him to see.

No, the vision's end came with the atrocities forced upon her by her brother.

Atrocities to which he can give no words before he's nearly torn holes through his gloves' palms, gouging his fingers against them, quaking, grinding his teeth and boring holes in the earth with eyes burning with rage.

Each spoken word opens in Sakura another visceral, painful memory from a time long past.

Of being sunk naked, neck-deep into that hell-borne pit of worms, and having her purity stolen.

Of watching her uncle Kariya, falling into that same-said worm pit, reaching his hand out to her just before being ravenously devoured. A sight which cemented her place as the Matou's obedient porcelain doll.

Of later suffering viciously at her brother's unloving hands, a memory made all too fresh for his 'visit' to her room last night, when he'd spat his words like venomous barbs.

Yet despite it all, she's somehow able to hold herself together. Or at least upright, not collapsing into a fragmented heap on the ground under its unyielding weight.

"You saw… all of that?"

But only just, and her words come barely as a whisper.

"Yes…"

At his sides, Taiasu's shaking arms ache as his fingers still threaten to tear through his gloves and into his palms. It's all he can do not to explode at the world for what he's just witnessed. Even the few brief breaths he takes in to settle himself before going on, his voice low and shaking, help little.

"It was just like with Illya. Like then, I thought I couldn't do anything! Except this time, I remembered something someone had told me… She told me I can talk with people during times like those."

As he goes on, his tone becomes more steady. Where his labored breaths have proved futile, speaking about it somehow helps to settle his anxious frustration.

"I didn't remember it last night, when she and I first met… I don't think it would have done any good, anyroad. But this time, I did remember, and I wanted to do something… To help you, somehow. But—!"

Again, his teeth grind as his hands clench at his sides.

"Whatever those gods damned, thrice-cursed creatures were, I couldn't fight them off, or even brush them aside! It was just like every… other time… Except in one small way, there was something I could do."

Taiasu goes on as the light fades from Sakura's eyes, her memories continuing to grind away at her. His words reach her ears, but are forced into the back of a queue filled with things which need processing before she can respond. Hearing her past recounted has effectively blunted her frustration's edge at his thoughtless behavior. Despite this, she still bears a shallow, pain-filled frown, straining against the weight which writhes in that frustration's place.

"Um… Sakura?"

Seeing her going parchment-white, it's clear to him now what should have been all along. And finally realizing her disturbed state, he gently speaks her name, trying to draw her from her thoughts.

Despite having been spoken so softly, hearing it pulls her from her memories, and her blank gaze regains some of its focus as the last thing he said pushes past everything else.

"Yes, sorry… What were you saying? Something you did?"

Some of her color returns, but she's unable even to force a smile. The best she can offer is letting the corners of her mouth lift from the disturbed frown she's been wearing as it reforms into a narrow line.

Left wholly unconvinced, Taiasu slowly shakes his head.

"You're bothered by this… I'm sorry, I shouldn't have—"

Quickly, Sakura mirrors his head shake. Not to refute his observation, but for another reason.

"I could have stopped you before now. It's hard for me to hear, yes, but if this helps me understand what you did, at least a little, then I'll bear it."

With her piece said, she motions for him to continue, and after a brief hesitation, and a heaving, deep sigh, he nods, then does just that.

"Okay… If you're sure. So what I was saying before. While I was trapped inside that… memory… I remembered something. It wasn't much, and it wasn't as good as last night, but it was all I could do, so I… sang that song again."

Now out of that moment, recalling how he'd fumbled through the melody and the lyrics makes him painfully self-conscious, and he drops his gaze toward the ground, against which he kicks and scuffs his feet.

"I don't know how long it was… Hours… Days… But eventually you noticed me, and your tears stopped. I couldn't believe it."

Taiasu's words fade into the cool morning air, leaving a brief silence in their wake. Dwelling on them, the tautly drawn line serving as Sakura's mouth finally relaxes, then lifts into a subtle smile.

Everything that's happened with bringing Illya over has her bewildered and exasperated. Yet hearing him speak about his preceding evening's performance has, at least for now, pressed those harsh feelings down and away.

Especially when thinking about it in light of her past calamity.

He said that I stopped wailing in that memory… It makes sense. I mean, of course I stopped. It was such a… lovely… song…?

And suddenly, her thoughts are veering into the impossible.

Stopped…? No… That's wrong. I couldn't have stopped… Because it didn't… happen like that… Right? That didn't happen…?

From nowhere, recollections of events which could not have transpired, yet quickly feel as real as those which did, stir and swell within her mind. Not memories spurred into being by everything Taiasu has said until now, but memories which seem aged rather than new, and aggressively contest to be genuine against those she knows to be so.

What…? What's happening? I feel… strange…!

Words to describe the sensation elude her as the two duel for the right just to exist within her mind. The sinister, authentic account, wherein she lay in darkness, hopeless and longing for death, and the other, the same but for the gentle yet uncertain voice in the dark, singing words she doesn't recognize in a trembling, desperate tone.

Watching it play out behind her eyes is like trying to make sense of two movies simultaneously projected onto the same screen. To say that it is physically painful would be inaccurate. Disconcerting would be more correct, and certainly disorienting, and made even stranger for how each memory feels as if it could be true, which of course she knows to be patently impossible.

With the battle for dominance waging behind her eyes, Sakura's complexion again pales, and her knees shake before giving out, dropping her to the ground. She brings her hands up, wrapping her arms around her head as the strange feeling writhes within her mind.

Despite staring at the ground, Taiasu can see her start to fall from his periphery, and he moves to brace her. At the same time, Rider materializes, reaching out toward her as well. The entire time she's spent listening quietly to everything Taiasu has said, while also monitoring their other invisible, uninvited guest, who has to this point seemed content to remain as still as stone.

Sakura makes no sound as she hugs her arms against her head, turning it back and forth, unable for the moment to break free from the surreal experience of her past fighting against itself, until finally she's able to find her voice.

"Something's… strange…! I remember, but I don't… remember! It's like…!" Struggling, Sakura searches for words to effectively describe the phenomenon. "It's like two sets of different memories… about the same event…! In one…"

Briefly, the force of the phantasmal duel in her mind yields long enough for Sakura to lift her head and look forward into Taiasu's eyes, which reflect green in the rays of the rising sun.

"In one, you're there… But in the other, you're not…! How…?!"

It takes Taiasu a moment to grasp the meaning of her words, and when he does, his eyes go wide, and he stumbles back a step in surprise.

"What…? But that's… That's…!" Briefly, the term hides itself from him, and when he finds it, it flings itself loudly from his mouth as if trying to escape. "… Impossible! Minfillia told me I can't affect the past! Only that I can speak with people's souls in their memory!"

Only barely does Sakura hear his words as the battle within her mind continues on. But at last, it seems as if both contestants have reached a point of fatigue, and for now seem willing to lie down arms and rest as they fade from the forefront of her mind.

With that powerful distraction no longer warring for her focus, she's able to more fully give her attention to what Taiasu has just said.

"Speak.. to their soul?"

Still looking forward at him, she blinks uncertainly at his words, then winces against the still-present discomfort in her head.

For his frustrated confusion, all Taiasu can do is heave another dejected sigh.

"Something like that… I wasn't paying as much attention as I should have been. Even if I had been, I doubt I could've understood it well enough to explain it."

Frowning thoughtfully, Sakura echoes Taiasu's sigh with her own, albeit a lighter version.

"Sakura…" Seeing a chance now to voice her own thoughts on the matter, Rider kneels down slowly at her side, then reaches out with her hand and runs her slender fingers through Sakura's hair. "Perhaps whatever has happened here has merely changed your recollection of these events?"

"Rider…?" Turning her head, she looks over, blinking up at her Servant before they both stand fully upright. "Maybe…?"

However, in harmony with her words, her tone is still uncertain, as something Rider has said feels at odds with what she's been experiencing since she'd first heard the words to that song last night.

"But I don't think it's that simple…"

As she gently refutes Rider's idea, she's able to show a kind smile for the weight of the past finally lessening, and especially for the two conflicting memory sets content to have stopped doing so. Or at least if they are still battling, they're doing so somewhere that isn't affecting her right now.

"What Taruko-kun said only just happened, didn't it? But ever since last night, there's been something familiar about that song. And even this morning, it felt like my mind was trying to recall something that never happened…"

As Sakura's voice trails off, Taiasu heaves another sigh of frustration born from ignorance. He makes no effort to hide his irritation.

"I don't know!" His words come with a sharp edge through clenched and grinding teeth. "I've never experienced something like this before! At least, not that I can remember!" Finally, he collapses under the weight of his frustration, literally, as he flops to the ground. "Most of the time they're brief, and just seem to fill in some immediate blanks for me, so this is all a first! I've never seen something in these things so bad before that it made me want to do something! Some were upsetting, and traumatic, sure, but nothing even close to what I saw with you and Illya!"

After venting his vexation, Taiasu drops further, flopping onto his back, then stares up at the sky, watching a few wispy clouds passing overhead. Silence follows, and Sakura again soaks in his words before they've completely faded. Hearing them reminds her of what started this entire strange conversation.

I don't fully understand how he's seen these things, or whatever else is going on… But that's not important right now. What is important is that he's seen the worst parts of my life… Things I barely survived… If he saw something similar with that girl… It doesn't excuse his reckless behavior…

As she reasons it out, her shock over his actions softens with newfound understanding.

But it does explain it.

"I can't say anything else about that, because I know nothing else…" Taiasu says, breaking the brief silence. "But I still have to apologize."

He turns his head toward Sakura, sits back up, then stands upright again. Sakura turns toward him, meeting his firm stare and tilting her head.

"Apologize…?"

"Yes. For Illya…" he says, nodding. "For bringing her here, despite knowing everything I did. It was stupid, selfish and dangerous. Even if she agreed to stand down for the night, and if I'd have fought and died to keep everyone safe. Even if I still would."

Swallowing hard, Taiasu draws in a deep breath. His eyes force shut briefly as his brow draws inward, into a series of tight wrinkles.

The words are there, but getting them out proves difficult.

Because he understands well just how cheap and easy words can be.

Finally, after another hard swallow, he forces his eyes open, then lets his lips part.

"I'm sorry for what happened. For what I did… I know it doesn't make up for it, but I'm really sorry…"

His voice is quiet, but steady, as he knows fully that perpetually berating himself over this will achieve nothing. All that's left for him to do is learn the obvious and try to move forward.

Yeah, right. That's an easy thought, because nothing bad happened. But if it had…

Unfortunately, it's exactly like he thinks as he snarks at himself; something easier said than done. Realizing that he's not quite finished with himself yet, he heaves another deep and despondent sigh as he glowers at the ground. Silently, Sakura watches him slowly shake his head as she parses his words, which she can clearly sense he means deeply.

And it's for this reason she feels so conflicted. After letting him speak at length, it's obvious to her he meant no harm by his actions.

That might be true, but even by his own admission, what he did was just so… unbelievably dangerous. Even if he's said he's sorry for it, and I do believe that he is, and that he understands, I can't just…

Trying to forge her response, Sakura breathes out a small sigh, places her words together, then prepares to speak then.

"Thank you, Taruko-kun. I appreciate your apology."

Taiasu's entire form tenses, as if on some unconscious level it expects there to be a battle, even though he knows full well there won't be. Despite her words, it's clear to him by her heavy tone there is more coming, and he holds his gaze fixed firmly at the ground, waiting, expectant of what those words will be.

"But it's still far too soon, and I'm still far too upset to say something like 'It's okay,' or 'Everything is fine.' After all, it really isn't, even if things seem to be okay for right now."

It's impossible that he'd predict precisely the words she'd use, but the thought conveyed by them syncs well with what he expected. Because if nothing else, this discussion has made clear to him just how deeply flawed his decisions and actions were.

And just how minor a miracle it may have been that there were no worse consequences for them.

Resigned to accepting these facts, Taiasu exhales the tension in his back and shoulders away, then slumps deeply forward.

"Yeah… I sort of thought so." He then finds whatever he needs within himself to free his gaze from the ground, raising it to again meet hers. "You have every right to still be upset. Honestly, I'd be surprised if you weren't. Especially after all of this…"

He's only able to hold her gaze for a moment before he looks away again, withdrawing into himself.

So what do I do now…? How do I make this right? I mean, is it even something I can make right? I… really don't think so… If someone had messed up this badly toward me, I don't think I could even stand to be around them for a while—!

The thought causes him to wince and shudder as it leads into another. That it might be the only choice. The only way to let the glowing red embers cool until they're no longer dangerous to handle.

Is it really the best choice, though? But… I can't think of anything else! If I hang around her, she's just going to keep being agitated! And what about Illya? She's still here, isn't she? And I can fight now, at least for a little while, so if she tries anything, I can at least try to stop her… But I really don't think she would! She's Shirou's sister, right?! And she spent the entire night here with no problem…

Wrestling with his decision, trying to figure if it's the best one, or if there are any viable alternatives, Taiasu glares at the ground, his mouth turned down in a deep and thoughtful frown.

This is so stupid! It's just like with that waiter… How come I can't think of anything better than this!? It feels like I'm just… running away… But it's all I can think of! Damn it…!

Like oil and vinegar, a resigned resolve mixes into a less appetizing condiment behind his eyes as he lifts his gaze from the ground. There, he finds Sakura staring down at him expectantly, still unsmiling, as if she's been waiting for him to finish his thought out loud.

I hate this, but I have to do something… And if this is all I can think of, then I guess this is it…

After a swallow so hard he's sure Sakura could hear it, Taiasu finally finds the words to speak his thoughts.

"It's… not right for me to be around right now. So I'm going to go."