08—Reluctance

Any other day, Shirou would have spent the rest of his morning cleaning up after breakfast. With Issei requesting his aid, requiring him to leave earlier than usual, yesterday proved one exception.

Today proves another, in a much more significant way.

There was little mess left to clean up after breakfast. Just Sakura's plate of uneaten food, which was scraped into the bin. Afterward, Shirou decided to walk with her.

After all, there's a lot for them to discuss now that the secret is out.

He slides the front door closed behind him, then clicks the lock and turns, finding Sakura waiting patiently for him at the gate.

It's about a quarter to seven as he moves to meet her, and her sullen expression is gone.

A relaxed smile beams from where her deep frown had been, and it reaches every corner of her face, shining even in her eyes. Even her pale complexion has filled in, her natural color returning radiantly.

"We'll have to be careful on the way, Senpai…" She turns toward the gate once he's caught up. "So we're not overheard."

Shirou nods. "Right, of course."

And with that, they're off.

But the first block is walked in silence. Where even do they begin?

"So… does Shinji know?"

Finding that out seems as good a place to start as any, and Shirou eyes Sakura from the side as he asks. He finds her warm expression cooling a degree in response to the question, and she slowly nods.

"Nii-san knows. In fact, he was supposed to be the true heir to the Matou family, but because he doesn't have any ability…"

Frowning sadly, she looks down at the ground, recalling.

It was after he learned she was going to take his place as the rightful heir that his abusive behavior toward her escalated. She felt guilty, as if she usurped that, so she simply, without complaint, accepted whatever harsh behavior he dealt out.

Even after Shinji's father died, she never uttered a word of protest, as the worst of the worst was heaped upon her.

"Really…" Shirou looks from her to the ground. It's clear to him something weighs on her mind, but that's nothing new. "Wait, what does that mean? True heir?"

"Ah, that's right…" She smiles inwardly at the obvious. That, being from a normal family himself, Shirou wouldn't understand that tradition among mage families. "Families of mages that have more than one child only commit the eldest to instruction. In our case, there was an exception, and that child was me…"

A simple fact to convey, yet it stirs countless memories. Awful, actual memories and bittersweet, hypothetical 'what-ifs'. Each has to be beaten down with a stick before they overwhelm her and sour her expression.

"I see… So what would have happened if he did have the ability?"

For Shirou, it's an uncomplicated question. He expects the answer to be something like 'then we'd both have been taught'. But Sakura's countenance darkens further, memories of what could have been now forcefully wresting the stick from her hand and launching it like a javelin, so they can flood her mind unhindered.

Painful what-ifs.

Like not being sent away by her family. Being able to grow up with her naturally gifted sister. Never being thrown into a disgusting pit of wretched, writhing worms. Not having to watch her uncle fall into that same said pit, being devoured in front of her for his foolish act of defiance against her grandfather.

Forcing the belief into her that, surely, if she similarly rebelled, she would have suffered the same fate.

"Sakura…?" Shirou glances over, and she startles as he calls her name, drawing her from her thoughts. "Everything okay?"

She nods, then sighs, shaking her head.

"Kind of… I was just thinking about your question. If Nii-san had ability, then I suppose he would have become the true heir to the Matou house."

Deftly, she dances around the issue.

It's an accurate answer, and Shirou doesn't need to know the rest. Not about her being subject to that abject humiliation, or just how deep the cruelty runs in her family.

In her brother.

"I see… So if he was the heir, would you know about him?" Shirou looks forward as he asks, frowning thoughtfully and taking care to mind his step.

Sakura shrugs. "I can't say. It's possible…"

Another evasive half-answer. Likely, she wouldn't even know he existed. Or if she did, it would be only as a classmate.

"So…" Now, she decides to gently steer the discussion away from her home life. "Did Illya-chan… tell you about that marking?"

She raises her gaze from the ground, then turns it toward Shirou from the side.

It's her first guess, since it was obvious he thought little of the mark beneath the bandage on his left hand when she first pointed it out to him.

That, or he masterfully played it off.

"Did Illya—!" Surprised at her question, Shirou misses a step and stumbles forward before regaining his balance. "Wait, Sakura, you know about Illya, too?"

He turns toward her, and, to his further surprise, she nods.

"But how?"

"The same way I knew about you, Senpai." She smiles up at him calmly as she keeps walking forward, and he has to turn and resume walking to stay in step with her. "Trained magi can sense that sort of thing. We can tell other magi apart from normal people."

"Oh…"

He frowns at that. Especially at the words 'trained magi', since it just highlights further his own inadequacies.

"Well, to answer your question, yeah…" He looks at the bandage on his hand and sighs. "She explained a little, but not much. So do all magi know about this sort of thing, Sakura?"

They've moved on from the discussion of her family, but she still tenses up at the question.

Being a magus is one thing… But if he discovers that I'm a Master… Would he be as comfortable with that?

She lets out a quiet sigh, trying to relax as she decides just how much to say. After a few seconds, she settles on as little as possible.

"Not all, no. But it's not a big secret among us, either." She looks up from the side to see Shirou nodding at her answer, and she smiles, relieved. "What did Illya-chan tell you about it?"

She listens quietly as he recounts as much as he can recall. The name of the thing, a 'Command Spell', Servants, Masters, and he grinds his teeth when he has to say the word 'eliminate'.

"So, not a lot. I still feel like I know nothing." He sighs through his deep frown, then taps his chin, staring up into the morning's blue sky. "Though she did say Masters can work together, too… I was relieved to hear that."

"Relieved?"

She looks over at him, blinking at the word, and he nods, smiling.

"Yeah. I mean, I get at least that much. She pretty much said I'm stuck with this thing. I'm not happy about that, but I'd be even more upset if I had to go around killing people for it." He frowns at his words. "But if working together is an option, maybe there are other options, too. Like talking things out before someone has to get hurt."

His words remind Sakura of the sort of things Taiasu said before. About his dislike of fighting, but she shoves the comparison into the back of her mind. Nothing against the diminutive, dark-clad adventurer, but she wants all her focus on the here and now.

"I see. I expected nothing less, but it still makes me glad to hear you say something like that out loud, Senpai." She looks down, wearing another calm smile. "After all, from what I've heard, it is a horrible thing. What you've been dragged into."

As they continue walking toward the school, just past the intersection, something unexpected seizes their attention. Several police cars, parked outside a house, and officers just finishing with putting up yellow boundary tape. It's still early, but the spectacle seems to have drawn quite a few onlookers.

Sakura's steps slow, and her heart grinds in her chest.

It couldn't be…

Reflexively, her hand slides into her skirt pocket, and her fingers wrap around the pearl as she withdraws it.

'Taruko-kun…'

'Ah!' In her mind, his voice comes startled. She can almost see his eyes snapping wide from whatever he was doing. 'Sakura! Everything okay?'

'I was going to ask you…' Already, from his words and tone, she can feel her concern lessening. 'It seems there's some commotion nearby on our walk to school. I just wanted to make certain you weren't involved.'

She can practically hear his sigh.

'Sakura… No, I promise. I didn't even walk that way this morning, so I wasn't aware of anything. What about you? Everything okay?'

The repeated question, and his quick words, assuage her concerns, relaxing her small, worried frown into another calm smile. Beside her, Shirou's steps slow as well as he risks being drawn in as another onlooker.

'Things are better now than when you left, Taruko-kun. Thank you for asking. I'll speak with you again soon. Please stay out of trouble.'

'Sure thing. Glad things are getting to be okay. Talk with you later!'

It's disconcerting, there being no audible click at the end of their conversation.

As she releases the pearl into her skirt and withdraws her hand, Shirou looks over, tilting his head as he sees said hand coming to a rest at her side.

"Sakura? Did you forget something?"

"Huh?" She turns her head, then shakes it at his question. "No… Why?"

"Well, I just thought I saw you reaching into your bag, is all…"

"Oh, that…?"

She smiles, inwardly and outwardly. Because now that they both know this thing about each other, there's one more thing she can tell Shirou. One less thing she has to keep to herself.

But the timing feels off. I'm not sure why, but it doesn't feel like the right time to tell Senpai about Taruko-kun…

There's no simple reason for her feeling. Even as she probes deeper into her thoughts, looking for an explanation. All she can do is shake her head. Putting the idea aside, she looks over at Shirou and shows him a reassuring smile.

"It's nothing, Senpai."

Shirou stares at her, blinking for a moment, before nodding. "Okay. I mean, if you say so…"

Arriving newscasters begin setting up to film the unfolding story. Not wanting to be drawn in, Shirou and Sakura resume their walk past them, the officers, and the rest of the onlookers.


As Shirou turns his gaze forward again, some subtle motion on Sakura's part catches his eye. Her hand, the back of which she rubs gingerly. Seeing it reminds him of the mark he knows Shinji put on her.

When, he can't say, but it would have to be some time after he walked her and Taiasu home.

More and more early bird students walking nearby make discussing their newly discovered common interest so difficult as to be impractical, and the newfound silence feels even more heavy, the more Shirou thinks back on Sakura's bruise.

If he's right, and it is his fault Shinji's being violent toward her again, it's not something he's prepared to just let sit idle.

But she wouldn't tell me, even if it was. She wouldn't even discuss it. She'd just brushed it off, like she always does… Damn it…

Frowning hard at the ground, he breathes out a small, sharp sigh.

I can't do anything if she won't… let me…?

Before the thought has even finished forming, it feels false.

Less that he can't, and more that he's unsure what he could even do. Clobbering Shinji didn't work. That much was clear by the mark he left on her. Likely, doing it again wouldn't help, either.

And it might just make her more upset.

The more he thinks, the slower his pace. Behind his sharply narrowed eyes and deeply furrowed brow, his mind works feverishly, unwilling to relent until it's come up with something marginally more reasonable than just 'pretend I saw nothing'.

But what can I do? I mean… Invite her to stay over until Shinji's cooled his head? Hah, yeah… right…?

Just as he's about to dismiss the thought as ridiculous, his mind seizes it tightly and starts picking it apart. Why is it a ridiculous idea? Though he hadn't heard Fujimura say it, it's true the house is huge, and has plenty of rooms, so that's no problem.

But could I bear it? Her being that close for that long?

His frown deepens, and, violently, he shakes his head.

No, stupid… It's not about me. I'm willing to bear it for her sake, if it means her staying safe. But what about her? I mean, what would she say or think? I doubt she'd accept just for that reason! I mean, she's not even willing to admit it's a thing that's going on!

From the side, he eyes her surreptitiously, trying not to be seen doing it. Sakura's calm smile continues to radiate warmth around them as she keeps her eyes forward, watching the path and the students moving about on their way to their club activities.

From how she walks and holds herself, it's like her worries from that morning have evaporated with the morning frost. Her calm expression serves to relax his eyes and brow, and his deep frown to a degree, letting him reform it into a stiff, unnatural smile as he moves his eyes forward again.

So clearly this isn't something I can just let go… I mean, I've been thinking about it since we walked past that intersection. What was that even about? Eh, whatever. It's not important right now. I need to focus here… Is it even okay for me to ask? I mean, I just spent the morning telling her she needs to live her own life! How's she going to do that if she's spending even more time…?

His stiff smile drops again into another sharp frown.

What am I even thinking? She's made it pretty clear she has no intent of staying away. I mean, that's good for me, of course. Her help's been invaluable, but… Wait, what if…?

The Rubik's cube of a conundrum continues subject to his mind's nimble fingers as it's turned and twisted, trying to match the colors on the sides.

Not that he's ever been good at such things.

If she's always coming over anyway… Wouldn't it be better for her to stay? I mean, it would let her get more rest, since she wouldn't need to get up so early, wouldn't it? Or is that just me trying to put a convenient spin on this? Maybe it's both?

Still, the thought relaxes his hard frown into another, more natural smile.

It's not like he's looking for reasons to keep her away, despite what he thinks on the surface. Deeper in his mind, the unspoken thoughts and feelings he loathes to admit to himself slip into his conscious mind like hands into gloves, which now work tirelessly to twist the horizontals and verticals of the cube, puzzling out an effective solution.

Would she buy that? Do I even buy that? And what about Fuji-nee? She tried beating me just because Illya slipped into my futon! There's no telling how she'd react if I just suggested what I'm thinking right now!

His relaxed smile quickly tightens down into another dour frown.

Grr… Whatever. Fuji-nee doesn't know what's happening with Sakura at home. I can handle her insanity just fine. And it's not like Sakura is going to try slipping into my futon because of a bad dream.

At his sides, he clenches his hands, feeling some measure of triumph over his own uncertainty, and how best to handle the situation.

A more rational person might have called the authorities to report the abuse. But, given the family involved is one of mages, it might prove fortunate his mind's rationality gauge is currently skewed to the emotional side.

"Yeah… That should be fine."

Almost inaudibly, his thought slips out, catching Sakura's notice. She peeks over to spy him nodding, frowning thoughtfully down at the sidewalk as they pass near the barricaded slope, getting nearer now to school.

"Senpai?" Her relaxed smile dips some as she tilts her head curiously. "What should be fine?"

"Heh? Uh?"

Shirou shakes his head. Fortunately, his eyes have been guiding him unconsciously as he walks on auto-pilot while he works to untangle the issue. As he looks around, seeing they're much closer to the school now than when he'd delved into the conundrum's darkest depths, he sighs.

Jeez, I'm lucky I didn't step in front of a car…

He looks over to see Sakura leaning forward, staring up at him, her open mouth formed into a narrow, curious frown.

"Um…"

Immediately, he snaps his head forward, his own frown deepening.

Right. It makes sense to me, but how do I go about asking her? Damn it… I didn't think that far ahead! When do I ask? I have that job tonight, and there's no guarantee I'll see her after this!

His heart slams again, responding to his unsettled nerves and his irritation at this minor oversight. Finally, he draws in a deep breath, trying to settle himself.

"Just…"

Suddenly, he's very aware just how dry his mouth and throat are.

Whatever the reason, it's only the second time he's asked a girl to stay over at his place. And in exactly as many days, and in this case, it's less emotion-driven and more carefully thought out and rational.

At least, he hopes that last part is true.

"I'm worried about your safety, is all…"

"My safety?"

It felt like a full minute between when she'd asked and when he'd answered, and with being unsure what to expect, anything he'd say would catch her by surprise, really.

"Like… when I'm walking home at night?"

"No, nothing like that… Well, no, I mean yes, that too, but something more specific." Shirou sighs after fumbling around with his words, then frowns and balls his fists again. "Just… your hand. I know what you said, but I know you're not being honest with me…"

"My hand…?"

Sakura looks first at her right hand, then at her left, and at her wrist. The deep bruise which has darkened some since that morning. Coming to rest on the mark, her eyes widen and she breathes out a light gasp.

There's no response she can offer.

She's not even certain herself why, beyond not wanting Shirou to go whack the hornet's nest, she said what she did that morning. And clearly, it hasn't worked, based on what he's saying now.

"I know I said I'd leave it alone, but the more I think about it…" He can't look at her as he goes on. Doing so now would sap his momentum. "I can't. I mean, I feel like it's my fault. That he's taking his grudge with me out on you, Sakura."

"Senpai, that's not—!"

Unconsciously, she nearly confirms what they both know to be true before she clamps her mouth closed to stop herself.

"I know that's what you think, Sakura…" Shirou keeps his eyes forward and down, like he's talking to the ground. "But it's what I feel… And seeing that—" He gestures to the side, at her hand. "—makes me feel even worse."

Sakura's own gaze falls down and forward now, and she breathes out a light sigh through her small, sad frown.

"Why are you saying all this, Senpai?"

"I just… I'm trying to work up my nerve, is all…"

By this point, they've reached the school gate, and he's able to look up and over in time to spy her dropping her skirt, wrinkled where she'd been twisting it tightly at the waist between both hands.

"Nerve…?"

"Yeah. So I'll just come out and say it…" He turns fully toward her, then draws in a deep breath, steadying himself. "Sakura, stay at my place!"

Before his words are spoken, his face is already burning red.

Sakura's eyes snap fully wide in response. He'd spoken louder than he meant to, and a few passersby turn to observe the slight commotion. Irritated by the unwanted attention, Shirou guides her away from the gate, off to the side, so they can talk without being overheard.

No sense fostering unfounded rumors.


The sudden imperative Shirou blurts forces the breath from Sakura's lungs, and it takes a second for her to get it back.

"At… your place?"

"Y-yeah…" he mutters, rubbing his hand across the back of his head like he's trying to either start or stop a fire. "I mean, just until Shinji's cooled his head or whatever."

He eyes her from the side, seeing her turning red herself. Despite it, her lips curl up in a surprised smile, and her hands lift toward her face, pressing her palms into her cheeks.

It wouldn't have been her first choice, receiving an invitation under these circumstances, but given how few gifts she's received, she's not wont to criticize the wrapping. Still, being who she is, she immediately finds herself trying to dismember the request.

To poke holes in it, find fault with it, determine why it's a bad idea.

He's… asking me to stay over?

Or she would, normally, but her mind ceases to function in the face of such a seismic event. Instead, it's all she can do to keep her smile from becoming too obvious, her face from becoming too red, and her eyes from shining too brightly.

"Uh… D-Did you ask Fujimura-sensei… what she thinks about…?"

She can't even finish articulating the only small hole she's able to find in the fully inflated life raft that's just been handed to her. A large, comfortable life raft, at that, beckoning her to safety in turbulent waters.

"N-No, not yet… But I mean, she was willing to let Illya stay, right?" Shirou lets out an awkward chuckle. "So why wouldn't she let you?"

With expert precision, he plugs the hole and seals it tight.

Even with that minor protest, it somehow feels like it's going more smoothly than he thought. His expectation that she'd stare at the ground, shake her head, offer a million reasons why she couldn't, shouldn't or wouldn't, seems to prove baseless.

And every reason he'd conceived why it wasn't the worst idea in the world seems about to go to waste.

At least I can use them to try convincing Fuji-nee when she goes off.

"Um… I'm not… sure…"

Despite her smile and shining eyes, her head does turn down as she grasps for a reason to refuse.

'Sakura…'

In her mind, the silent, invisible observer finally speaks.

Rider had been content to remain such until this moment. But now, for the overwhelming, conflicting thoughts, concerns and feelings she can sense in her Master's mind, it seems to no longer be an option.

'Rider?' Internally, she startles, but somehow reveals no tell. 'What's—'

'I believe you should accept his offer, Sakura.' In part to foster closeness, but also to practice just saying her name, Rider repeats it. 'For now, at least. This boy seems sincere in his desire to see you safe. And I do not feel comfortable with you being in the same house as that other…'

She has to stop herself.

Because the words she wishes to use, she knows will be most upsetting to Sakura.

'But I don't—!'

'Sakura, I know how deeply you care for this boy. I can feel it every time you look at him or think about him. It is quite frustrating, to be honest, but that is not the point. I can also feel how, for whatever reason, you feel yourself unworthy. I do not understand why that is the case, and I am not saying you should pursue him as a romantic partner—' Just hearing those words is like a stick of dynamite exploding in a shallow pond in her mind, sending ripples from the center to the shore and scattering dredged-up dirt and debris meters high into the sky. '—but just that you should consider accepting his kind gesture.'

The words echo in her mind.

Words unspoken by herself, yet somehow resonating powerfully with her deepest kept thoughts and feelings. That she holds herself to be of lesser value. Unworthy of his caring concern or affection, for whatever reason.

Something in those words rings uncomfortably true.

'Rider… I… I can't…'

'I cannot tell you what to do.' The words sound in her mind with a forlorn tone. 'Only what I think would be best for you. That is why you are the Master, and I am merely your Servant.'

The entire unspoken discussion transpires in just a few seconds, leaving Sakura feeling deeply unsettled. Unconsciously or otherwise, she'd felt what Rider said.

Still feels it.

But having acknowledged it is one thing. The feelings run deep, like the roots of a poisonous tree. One which has grown for over a decade, and will not be uprooted with a simple, kindly spoken word or thought.

"Senpai… I…"

At her waist, between her tightly clenched hands, she wrings her skirt almost violently. Small, sweltering tears form in both the inside and outside corners of her eyes.

Is… Is this really okay…?

Her entire form goes rigid, yet also seems fragile like porcelain, which could shatter if someone even breathed on it. All she can offer is the slightest, most subtle of barely perceivable head-nods.

And with that, the first strike against the trunk of that poisoned, old-growth piece of timber is made.

A shallow cut, but it's definitely there.

The first of a thousand cuts.

How many seconds, or minutes even, had passed? It feels like a lot, at least by the size of the breath Shirou exhales at the incredibly demure gesture. He has to take in several more full and deep breaths just to settle his heart again.

Thank god… Still, why does everything have to be so… damn COMPLICATED?!

Despite his inner frustration, relief, and some excitement and unwanted anticipation, shows through in his bright smile.

Yet his hand may soon find bare the patch of hair it's been rubbing incessantly since this discussion began. It takes all his effort just to bring that hand down, and by the time he looks up, one of those small wet streaks has run down Sakura's blushing red cheek.

"Um… Sakura? Are you alright? I didn't think it was such a bad thing, having you—"

She lets out a strange sound. Something split between a laugh, a gasp, and a small sob.

"N-No, Senpai, it's not like that at all—!" Quickly, she shakes her head and wipes at the wet streak, and the ones still threatening to fall. "I'm just… surprised, is all. And—!"

Oh no! I forgot about Taruko-kun!

Not that there's much cause for concern.

After all, he is small, and if what she knows of Shirou holds up, he shouldn't have much concern over lending out one more room. And it would give her the chance to explain about him.

But it still needs to be addressed, so the conversation naturally steers itself in that direction.

"Um… But Senpai, what about Taruko-kun?"

"Huh? The little guy?" Shirou folds his arms, holding and stroking his chin for a moment. Only a couple of seconds are needed for him to have an answer. "Well, it's like I said last night, right? He doesn't take up a lot of space. And it'd be hard for you to look after him if I didn't let him stay too, right?"

It's about the response she expected, but her mind still has to pick at it, just to be certain.

"Y-You're sure, Senpai? I don't want to impose—"

"Sakura, stop that," Shirou mutters, a sharp frown quickly taking the place of his relieved smile. "You're not imposing. I practically twisted your arm, remember? And honestly, you'll be doing me a favor. Since you're coming by so much anyway, it means you can get some more rest instead of having to get up before the sun."

His sharp frown softens into a kind smile, though his next thought does give it a small edge.

And I won't have to worry about Shinji doing god only knows what to you…

Sakura's mouth falls open with surprise, which also widens both her eyes.

"Ah… That's true. I didn't even think of that!" She giggles lightly, the red fading from her complexion and the anxious, elated tears finally drying from her eyes. "Then… We'll still need to okay it with Fujimura-sensei… I can talk to her during—!" Her eyes widen further, fully this time. "—archery practice! Senpai, I need to go! Thank you for walking me to school!"

She bows forward politely, then sprints past him, leaving him scratching his head in her wake.

Well… I'm glad she agreed, but I'm still a bit worried about what Fuji-nee will say when she asks…

With little to do but wait until the first bell tells him it's time to get to class, he sits, relaxing and enjoying the morning air.

Guess I could make good use of my time besides just idling it away…

As he sits, his back to the wall, he lets his eyes relax until they naturally drift closed, and he calls forth the image of the half-assembled revolver in his mind.

By now, the hammer has reset, and the trigger seems ready to be depressed again.

All it's waiting for is him.