We walk from the Rose Maze to the Tea Garden, following the stone path around the dorm and past a gazebo that I assume is for… something? I wouldn't know. But the red doors of the garden open up, and what meets my eyes is a gorgeous party of absolute chaos. Cups stacked haphazardly on tables. A leaning cake, maybe? Or is that many hats? There are chairs that don't match every which way with crooked vases and odd numbers of flowers. Nothing matches. Nothing goes. It's absolute and utter chaos, and for someone that is all about order this zany landscape doesn't suit Mr. Rosehearts.

But the tablecloths are a pristine white, and the roses all a brilliant red. I guess there are some consistencies even though there's strings of lights and banners that don't match. I see playing cards everywhere too—that must be part of the theme for this dorm—it makes sense, given the marks on the faces of my new found friends.

A student stands firm and proud in a strange uniform—it's white, with one sleeve black and one with a chessboard pattern. A white rose with red dripping down it pinned to his lapel. The red and black motif throughout the collar and lapel design resembles the collar that Ace wears with its gold trim. A gold pin and chords also decorate this uniform—I spy a black vest underneath with white pants—but this boy also has a space on his face.

Is it magic? Does it happen when you're chosen for the dorm? I don't know, and I don't ask.

This boy breathes in, and announces loudly, "Entering our Housewarden and leader: The Red Ruler, Prefect Riddle!"

The crowd cheers. "Prefect Riddle! CHEERS!"

Riddle inspects with a discerning eye. "Mm. The roses are red, and the tablecloths are white. A perfect Unbirthday Party."

I feel a sinking feeling in my gut, it's the feeling of impending doom and I don't know why. Maybe because every interaction I've had with Riddle Rosehearts is… not great?

But his outfit is… adorable? He is wearing, most noticeably, tall, knee-high boots of the same red-and-black motif as the lapels of the other student, with high stiletto heels. I am impressed he can even walk on them. I couldn't. Not gracefully, at least.

A little crown sits on his head and I am reminded a bit that it seems the same style as the Queen of Hearts. Riddle also wears a white suit, but he has a tie with a crown clip of black and red opposite of his lapels in the cross, a band around that I assume connects to the matching painted rose pin that may hold his large black cape with its red interior that drags on the ground. His suit is also fully buttoned, but all in all it is a very elegant outfit. He seems a lot taller in it too.

I will never say that.

So this lunacy is an Unbirthday Party? I'm looking around when Riddle starts listing off things that need to be considered. "The Dormouse sleeps inside the teapot?"

"Yes. There is jam to put on his nose as needed." Trey replies.

Okay this is weird.

"Good." Riddle replies.

Grim can't keep his mouth shut as he looks at the well-dressed Hearslabyul members. "Wow! Look at the outfit! They look so cool!" Does that mean I could make Grim wear cute clothes? I am so tempted right now to see if that's a possibility. He is already wearing that old bow…

Cater chuckles, "Why yes—the Heartslabyul dorm uniforms are very cool. They're fashionable outfits and perfect for pictures! I'll change now!"

Uh. That's a little inappropriate. I don't want to see all that.

Again, not my kink genre.

Oh, it's magic. Nevermind.

"Traditionally, the Queen of Hearts had a dress code in place for parties. So do we! Let's make sure you're all dressed right!" A bit of magic!

I see that Ace and Deuce are dressed in almost matching, standard uniforms though one has a black vest and the other a red—I didn't notice before, but the playing cards on their suits are different… A Two of Spades for Deuce and an Ace of Hearts for… Ace…

Ha ha I get the joke.

There's some suspicious naming going on here, and I don't necessarily understand the belts they're wearing—with what I think is a red cloth with warning yellow and black stripes. I mean, yes, these two disasters need warning labels.

Oh! And Grim has a bow that matches! It has on the top, the red and black lines with gold, but on the tails are the checkered patterns of black and white and black and red! It's iadorable/i.

I'm surprised to see myself in a similar uniform—and it's also a bit baggy as I like it. Mostly to disguise these tits and hips.

"Wow!" The three problems gasp.

"This is so cool!" Ace can't help his grin despite everything going on.

"I look so COOL!" Grim admires his bow the best he can, and proudly poses.

"You all look spiffy! It's nice seeing you cleaned up." I guess I'm some sort of honorary guest, given my uniform gifted with magic is something similar, but—I notice the bits and differences. I do not have a card, like Grim, and I am missing the Heartslabyul patch and the rose. That works for me—but I notice my vest is a pretty shade of pale blue, which doesn't really fit—and my hair is pulled back with a headband. Huh. The suit is mostly white… interesting.

We haven't formally entered the garden, but it's quite a display spread before us.

"Don't forget to give Riddle the tart! See you!" Cater runs off to probably prepare the last-minute things?

I'm not sorry to see him go—but was his card the Four of Diamonds? If Trey is the Three of Clubs I'm going to scream.

We are directed to sit down, and I am at a little table with Grim, Ace, and Deuce. We're all a little bit clueless, and our eyes are glued to people that know what they're doing during this tea party, the Unbirthday Party. It's… tense? The atmosphere isn't very party-like to me. While I see Cater a bit away with a smile, is it just me, or is it really strained?

That concerns me.

Why can't I get this strange gnawing to go away?

Riddle's voice cuts through. "Before the croquet tournament beings, let us have a toast. Does everyone have their teacups ready?"

There's a ripple of fear in the air, and soon everyone has procured a teacup. I note for late that Grim might need sippy cups with how he has to hold that with both paws. Does… does he drink like a cat? I've only seen him eat.

"Now let us celebrate a day of no birthdays! Cheers to the Unbirthday Party!" Riddle raises his teacup elegantly in a toast.

"CHEERS!" The group shouts, but it's… not as exuberant as it could be…

"Ace, now's your chance." Okay, so Cater is okay maybe as he has the tart ready for Ace to present. Good on him.

But I still feel like he's taken a bit of advantage of us not-from-this-dorm people. I will be cashing in that favor or ten later.

It's interesting to see Ace so nervous as he approaches Riddle. I, of course, stay close and on the sidelines because, in all honesty, I hope this goes well. My gut says no. It likes saying no. "Ah—excuse me, Housewarden?"

Riddle looks up, he has a very cool, unimpressed expression on his face. "And you are—ah, right, the freshman that stole my tart."

Well at least we're cutting to the chase quickly.

"Ahh… yes. I wanted to apologize for that so… so I made another tart." Ace is clearly not used to apologizing.

"Oh?" Riddle's quite curious. "Then, what kind of tart is it?"

Does that matter?

"Oh! It's a marron tart used with seasonal chestnuts! Gathered right from the grounds!" Ace seems a little like a puppy wanting to be praised for his efforts.

"A iMARRON/i tart?! UNBELIEVABLE!" Fuck.

Ace looks startled. "What?!"

We're ALL startled by this reaction. Oh fuck me running.

"Under Rule number 562, it states: inever bring marron tarts to an Unbirthday Party/i." Riddle quotes, "Do you not realize what a serious violation this is?!"

I immediately look at Trey's direction with a look of both absolute rage and betrayal. iReally/i. "The fuck?" I ask.

"You have iruined/i this perfect Unbirthday Party!" Riddle is clearly pissed.

Trey seems a little… uh. Huh. Did he not know?

"Rule 562?!" Deuce looks surprised there's so many, me too.

"How many rules iare/i there?" I can't help but open my mouth and ask.

"There are 810 rules in total, and as a dorm leader, I should, and do have them memorized." Riddle's arms cross over his chest in his displeasure—and I notice that he has longer than wrist-length black gloves on. Elbow, maybe?

While Cater and Trey, the responsible pair of older students are whispering to one another looking mildly frustrated, I'm starting to piece together that neither of them knew all 810 rules. But I am still pissed. This means we are in for way more shenanigans involving this dorm and a tart and I wanted to finish cleaning the Ramshackle Dorm up as soon as possible since it looks like I might be the grounds of babysitting wayward other freshmen for awhile!

"As the Housewarden that follows in rigor of the Queen of Hearts, that respects the incarnation that Heartslabyul is to honor her legacy—I will not stand for such a violation." Great. I get to witness Riddle first hand. "Throw out those marron tarts this instant, and remove this group immediately!"

I snatch Grim up immediately, he gives a sound of protest. But I do not want him getting into a fight with Riddle even though the twerp deserves a punch in the face after we worked so hard on those tarts. At least we got to taste their deliciousness before this disaster happened, or someone would have to pull me off of him. The waste of food is an absolute crime and I should tan his hide myself. My grandmother is rolling in her grave right now. This wheel-off of deliciousness with intent of disposal would have killed her.

I am upset.

It's Ace that of course stands up at this ridiculousness. "Wait! Why should I listen to such an absurd rule?!"

Grim huffs. "Yeah! Why waste them when I can EAT them!?" He has the right idea. Wasting food is bad.

Trey redeems himself, "Dorm leader—I am so sorry. I was the one that told them to make the replacement marron."

Cater tries to, as well, piggybacking, "Right, right! We—we didn't think there was a rule against tarts."

That was the wrong thing to say and I feel that in my soul.

"The violation isn't their creation, it's that you brought them to the Unbirthday Party." That does not make this situation better Mr. Riddle Unreasonable.

"Then why can't we take them to the dorm and re-present it after the Unbirthday Party?" I am here to suggest reasonable solutions to the problems at hand. I am also the least-listened to person at Night Raven College. "This is a little ridiculous."

"I've heard more than enough of these stupid rules. Are you an idiot?" Oh God Damn It Ace Trappola.

"Stupid…? Really?" Great. Ace has pissed off the teapot tyrant.

"Hey—wait—no—don't say that word, Ace!" Cater looks a bit freaked out. We are so royally fucked right now. "Look, Riddle, these are some newbie freshmen. They don't know anything." Okay, so he's trying to play damage control but it's not working.

Ace of course continues. "No, I'm going to say it since no one else is! It's dumb to throw away a homemade tart just because of some stupid rule."

Deuce, part of the dynamic duo of damnation, continues, "I agree with Ace. It's bad to break the rules, but this has gone too far."

I really need to clean up the dorm to give them proper rooms.

"You have some nerve to speak to me like that. The fact is that small rule violations lead to bigger problems in the future." Riddle starts.

Ace interrupts, "Others feel the same way as I do! They don't say anything because they're terrified you're going to collar them too! Is all of this a game to you? Some kind of sick joke?"

By the terror I see around me, he's right.

A student stutters. "No, w-we were just…"

"Oh? Is that so?" That's not a good look for Riddle, his tone's shifted and I'm pretty sure some more collars are coming.

"No—no th-that's ridiculous d-dorm l-leader!" A terrified student answers, clearly fearful.

"W-we o-of course follow a-all of your orders!" Yeah, if Riddle can't see they're scared witless we have some big issues.

I'm thinking problems at the home.

"No way!" Grim gasps, surprised at their cowardice. He's really under-socialized.

"Pff. Backing down like cowards. Lame." Ace shakes his head, disappointed.

"Since I took over as Housewarden, I have not had a single student of Heartslabyul repeat a year, drop out, or face expulsion. And as I am both the best and strongest in all of Heartslabyul, that means I am the Prefect, the dorm leader. Which means I am ialways/i right. No one should question my orders!" Riddle's on a rampage...

"That's insane." I hear Deuce gasp.

"I am not doing this out of my own enjoyment! You are at fault for breaking the rules." Riddle continues.

"If you are not going to obey me, then it's OFF WITH YOUR HEADS!" Fuck. Here we go again.

Cater attempts to get the crowd to—entertain this. "Come on, everyone! Just say, iYes, Housewarden./i"

"I refuse." Deuce sets up the first resistance.

"I'm literally not part of this dorm." I sigh, this is insane.

"I am so done with this selfish brat!" Says the selfish brat. Ace. Really?

"What did you just say?" Riddle's voice has gone deathly calm. Fuck.

Grim's out of my arms and standing before Riddle with a defiance that is definitely more human in nature than whatever monsters do. "He said you are an irritable, selfish tyrant! An unreasonable, little brat who wastes things precious like food! It's so trivial—food is food and it should be eaten!"

"Hey! It wasn't all of that!" Deuce looks a little panicked.

I know this isn't going to end well.

There it goes. Riddle readies magic, screeching, "OFF WITH YOUR HEAD!"

Fuck.

I see collars appear around Deuce and Grim's necks. I am not okay with this, as Grim is of my dorm and not of his—he has no business in disciplining Grim without consulting me first.

"Not this—ugh!" Grim…

Deuce struggles, attempting to pull it off. "Fuck—I can't get rid of it!"

I finally snap a little. "You have NO right to discipline a member of MY dorm—I—!" Trey has his hand over my mouth.

"Trey, Cater! Get rid of them!" Riddle orders.

I should bite him.

The two respond, "Yes, dorm leader…" While I barely go willingly with Trey, unfortunately I am outmatched on strength here. And I don't want to hurt him—or he would be currently clutching his family jewels.

Deuce is clearly betrayed as we're escorted out of the tea garden, I'm not listening as Cater tries to justify this.

Even if we hear a sad apology from Trey.

"So that's how it's going to be? I WILL remember this!" Ace is the type to hold a grudge.

But we leave, at least. They escort us to the gates, and I'm definitely let go at that point.

I give a straight look to Trey and Cater. "It's only going to get worse, and it's your faults for letting it continue. Grim—come on."

"See you later!" Cater waves with a smile and Deuce has his hand on my wrist yanking me back because I almost turned around and clocked him.

"I'll calm him down before you come back and apologize." I receive another yank because I was just about to slap Trey.

"Fuck that! I am never apologizing!" Ace has the right idea.

They close the gates, and I deflate. "Come on—we have some rooms to clean up for you two, now that this is becoming a long-term thing."

As we head off, Ace expresses his frustration. "Fuck! I'm so angry! That little red-headed menance! What? Who does he think he is, the Queen of Hearts herself?!"

"And getting kicked out for disobeying the dorm leader… I'm not becoming the model student I want to be." Deuce sighs.

"Why am I involved in this…" I shake my head, my temper cooling with distance.

"What a heavy collar… it's suffocating." Grim looks so worn out too.

"I'm sorry." I do feel so bad for Grim. "I wish I had something—he had no right to collar you, you're not even part of his dorm."

"Why are all of you wearing those collars?" That. That is a floating head. A floating head with wild purple hair that fades a bit to blue at the bottom and purple cat ears. Those are… piercings, too? Directions? Up in a speech bubble? I. I am not ready for the weirdness that is this reality and I don't deserve to deal with it.

What the actual Hell.

This school has gotten so much weirder.