No Such Duel

Chapter 3: The Trial

A few days later,

The Courtroom was filled up with many of the Loud Families peers, whether they be friends or enemies. Word had gotten out that Lincoln was pressing charges against his family, sans Lily, since she's a baby. The Loud Family were on one end of the courtroom, with a serious looking business woman, with her hair done up in a bun, and wearing a smart suit. The family was glaring angrily at, Lincoln, who was on the other end, with man, also dressed in a suit, who looked rather important, "All rise for the honorable Judge Markus!" the bailiff boomed, as the judge took the stand. Everyone stood up.

"Please be seated!" the judge said. Everyone then sat down, "What is the case?"

"The case of Lincoln Loud VS Rita and Lynn Sr. Loud and their daughters," the bailiff replied.

"What are the charges?" the judge asked.

"They face the charges of child abuse, theft, and unacceptable living conditions, your honor. And that's only naming a few of the charges," the prosecutor replied. This incited murmurs from the courtroom.

"Order! Order in the court!"the judge said, as he banged his gavel.

"In that case, I'll have a cheeseburger, fries, and a large shake!" Luan chimed in, gaining some snickers from the room.

"This is NOT the place for jokes, young lady! Now then, what about those charges?" the judge asked.

"According to the testimony we received from the police and Lincoln Loud, his family had purposely locked him out of their house for the biased belief in 'bad luck', and refusing to let him back in," the prosecutor replied. This got some gasps from the crowd, including the Loud's defense attorney, "It gets worse. Further evidence shows that the Loud Family had sold off ALL of Lincoln's personal possessions, and illegally kept the proceeds for themselves," he continued.

"In our defense, what good would Lincoln's stuff be to us? We weren't using it!" Lola exclaimed.

"Young lady, please!" the prosecutor said, as he continued reading off the charts, "And that is only a small example of injustices made around their home, which is to say nothing about various misdemeanors that occur OUTSIDE of their house," he concluded. More murmurs ensued. The judge then banged his gavel again.

"Order in the court! How do the defendants plead to these charges?" the judge asked.

"We're not the guilty ones! Lincoln is, for being bad luck! Lock him up in a prison far away from civilization, and throw away the key!" Lynn Jr. proclaimed.

"Junior, that's enough!" their attorney scolded.

"In any case, I'm sure the witnesses can clarify things," the prosecutor stated.

"Very well, you may call the first witness," the judge replied.

"Thank you. I shall call Lincoln Loud to the stand!" the prosecutor declared. This caused quite a ruckus from the Loud Sisters.

"THAT'S NOT FAIR!"

"WHY DOES HE GET TO GO FIRST?"

"HE'LL JUST SCREW EVERYTHING UP LIKE ALWAYS!"

"ORDER, I SAID!" the judged banged his gavel, as Lincoln took the stand. The bailiff approached Lincoln with a book.

"Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?" he asked.

"I do solemnly swear to honesty," Lincoln replied.

"Now then, Lincoln, could you explain to the court exactly what happened on the day in question?" the prosecutor asked.

"I'd be glad to. It started out like any other day," Lincoln began.

"A few centuries later," Lori snarkily remarked.

"Lori, behave!" the family's defense attorney scolded.

"You can probably tell that with a family as big as this, and with sisters with such a diverse set of skills and talents, they would have a lot of scheduled events lined up, in which case, the rest of us go to support that particular sister. I, however, was growing tired, and thought I deserved at least one day off, where I could just relax, and recharge my batteries. I figured I could go to their next event if I didn't go on that day. However, my older sister, Lynn, wanted me to go to her softball game. I told her that I wanted to read my comics in peace, and even when I persisted on saying 'no', she went and threatened me with her bat," Lincoln explained. A lot of murmurs rose up from the courtroom.

"Junior, did you really threaten him?!" Rita snapped.

"I might've, but I wasn't going to do it! But that had nothing to do with my loss that day!" Lynn Jr. replied.

"Anyhow, I was dragged along with the rest of the family to her game, where she and her team lost to the opposing team. I went to commend her for her efforts, and do you know what she did? She labeled ME as the cause of HER loss on account of my alleged being bad luck. That's when I got the stupidest idea I ever had in my life; I figured if I could convince the others that I was bad luck, then they would ban me from all their activities. And while it did work, they started taking things a bit too far, such as barring me from activities I would've liked to go to, like the movies, as well as sealing up my room with boards and chains, and forcing me to sleep outside like an animal. The next morning, they showed little hesitation in pretty much banishing me from the house completely. Then my uncles, who are cops on the police force, found me wandering the streets in my Pjs, which pretty much led to right now," Lincoln finished explaining.

"I'm calling crap on that! Stinkcoln IS bad luck! That's the only excuse I can think of to why I lost that day!" Lynn Jr. yelled out.

"Let me hear you or anyone in your family speak out of turn like that again, and I WILL add contempt of court to your family's already lengthy list of charges!" the judge warned.

"Your honor, I would like present various forms of evidence that could help support Lincoln's claims. First off, exhibit A!" the prosecutor said, as he pulled out a projector, and displayed a picture of Lincoln's door, sealed and boarded up, "And to add to this, Exhibit B!" he then changed slides to show the receipt for the Pawn Shop, showing very clearly the sale of a bed, a nightstand and a dresser, "As well, as Exhibit C!" he said, displaying a picture of the bat Lynn Jr. had threatened Lincoln with, "Lincoln, is this the bat in question that your sister so callously threatened you with?" the prosecutor asked.

"It is. In her own words, when I persisted about not going, she said 'Sure you don't want to reconsider?'" Lincoln replied.

"The prosecution has no further questions to ask of Lincoln," the prosecutor stated. The defense attorney then looked to the parents.

"Why didn't either of you stop this whole mess before it snowballed into this?!" she quietly asked.

"The girls all said he was bad luck, and bad stuff always seemed to happen when Lincoln was around, so it had to be true," Lynn Sr. replied. The attorney rubbed her head.

"I honestly don't know if I can or even should try defending you guys," she said.

"Rachel, you have to defend us. We're family," Rita said in a condescending tone.

"That doesn't mean a free pass to commit crimes against your own!" Rachel replied.

"Will the defense call their witness?" the judge asked, sounding impatient.

"Yes, your Honor. Defense calls Lynn Loud Sr. to the stand," Rachel said. The Loud Patriarch then took the stand, "Now then, Lynn, you consider yourself a family man, yes?"

"Well, not to toot my own horn, but I'd say so myself," Lynn Sr. replied.

"So would you say that you merely only locked your only son outside as a small punishment, like say... for an hour, and simply forgot to let him in?" Rachel asked.

"Oh good heavens, no! Lincoln's sisters all said that their brother had become bad luck, and given that bad stuff kept happening when he was around meant it had to be true. That the same way we determine the root of ALL mishaps in the house, such as when my son clogs the toilet on a regular basis," Lynn Sr. replied.

"Hold it!" the prosecutor exclaimed, as he took the stage, "Are you saying that you willingly go along with whatever your daughters say against their brother, simply because they all believe it to be true?" he asked.

"Of course. If enough people say the same thing, then it has to be true, right? Plus Lincoln does have a history of causing trouble in the house, unintentionally on rare occasions," Lynn Sr. replied.

"Let the records show that the Loud Parents choose to enforce discipline over their children based solely on popular opinion!" the prosecutor declared.

"I allow it," the Judge declared, banging his gavel, "You may return to your seat." Lynn Sr. did so.

"Ok, that snowballed fast. Maybe you can help shed some light on this, and hopefully give something that can make defending this case easier," Rachel said to Rita.

"Will the defense call their next witness?" the Judge asked.

"Defense calls Rita Loud to the stand, your honor," Rachel said, as the Loud Mother took the stand, "Now then, Rita, do you truly care about your kids?"

"What kind of a question is that? Of course we care about them! Lynn and I struggle to make a home for our kids on a daily basis," Rita replied.

"Objection!" the prosecutor declared, as he once again took the stage, "According to evidence, provided by the officer that searched the Loud House, there were several safety violations, which shall be considered Exhibit D! Creaky floorboards, subpar plumbing, the doors were poorly attached to the frames, doorknobs constantly breaking off, etc. Can you really call that caring for your children if their lives are constantly put in danger?" he asked.

"Well, as you can tell, a large family such as ours requires a lot of food to survive. Plus, the handiwork done by myself and Lynn is just as good as a professional's work, right?" Rita asked.

"Not quite. There are certain tasks that only a true professional can fix, and should be called in to fix. I understand that food may be scarce in your house, but making the accommodations suitable for living has to be your top priority," the prosecutor explained.

"Well don't blame us for our lack of funds! Taking care of 11 kids is not as easy as it seems!" Rita replied.

"It's like the old saying goes, 'if you can't handle something, DON'T try to do it!' No further questions," the prosecutor said.

"You may return to your seat Mrs. Loud. Defense may now call the next witness," the judge said. Honestly, Rachel wasn't sure what to do now. Her sister and brother in law were her best bet in clearing things up, but it only seemed to make the case worse. She hoped for the best, as she looked to her nieces.

"Uh, yes, your honor. Defense calls Lisa Loud to the stand," Rachel said. The child prodigy then took to the stand.

"Lisa, you're a very intelligent young lady, right?" the prosecutor asked.

"My PH.D speaks for my intellect. Many of my experiments done inside my bedroom can attest to that," Lisa replied.

"So, why would someone of such high IQ give in to such a ridiculous notion of bad luck?" he asked.

"I guess I might as well come clean. I knew all along Lincoln was faking being bad luck," Lisa replied.

"Wait, so you knew he was faking it? And you did NOTHING to stop this whole mess?" the prosecutor asked.

"Well, after Lori told Lincoln that family supporting each other is mandatory, and after Lori banning him from her golf tournament after breaking her clubs, I became curious as to why someone would be so rational one minute, then irrational the next minute. Which is how my experiment began. Unfortunately, I failed to take the legality of what we put Lincoln through," Lisa explained.

"You are aware that human experimentation is illegal, yes?" the prosecutor asked.

"Human experimentation is vital for the advancement of the human race. Besides, I was going to give him a dollar for his troubles," Lisa said defensively.

"And what about your experiments? How dangerous would you describe them to be?" the prosecutor asked, showing a slide, labeled "Exhibit E", which showed Lisa's "laboratory".

"Well, many of the chemical and mechanical experiments I engage in have blown the roof off of the house on some occasions. But I always try to keep them contained," Lisa replied.

"Your parents allow you, a four year old, to handle dangerous chemicals?" the prosecutor asked.

"Scientific exploration shouldn't be condemned by the refusal of others," Lisa replied. The prosecutor shook his head.

"No further questions, Lisa. You may return to your seat," the prosecutor said.

"Your honor, may I speak freely, to add more testimony?" Lincoln requested.

"I'll allow it," the judge replied.

"Lisa's experiments aren't the only example of dangerous stuff my sisters do. Luan and Lana, in particular do all kinds of dangerous stuff as well. Luan goes overboard with her April Fools Day pranks, and Lana wrestles live alligators as a hobby," Lincoln replied.

"Which one is which? I'm all turned around," the judge asked.

"Luan is the one in the white top with the yellow plaid skirt, and Lana is the one in overalls," Lincoln replied.

"Would you care to elaborate on the pranks that Luan does for April Fools Day?" the judge asked.

"Certainly. One year, she had raccoons in the oven when I was tripping all of her pranks on purpose, which then attacked me, she had Lana dropped into a pit of rhubarb pies, knowing full well that Lana is allergic, and she once even dumped a bucket of bleach on Lucy, who's the one in black," Lincoln explained. The entire courtroom gasped in shock at the atrocious horrors Luan puts her own family through.

"Hmm, that certainly does put in more testimony against your family. Luan Loud, can you confirm these allegations?" the judge asked. Luan thought of making a light joke, but chose against it, feeling the pressure of the case.

"I-I-I can and do confirm that these were some of the many pranks I pull on my family," Luan nervously replied.

"I was thinking of calling you to the stand, but that seems pointless at this point," the prosecutor commented.

"This case is getting worse by the minute," Rachel rubbed her temples. Then, she got an idea for a possible way out of this, "Your honor, the defense will call Lori Loud to the stand," she said, but Lori was too preoccupied with her phone. The bailiff went over, and took it from her.

"Hey, I was in the middle of a text!" Lori snapped.

"Lori, it's your turn," Rachel said, her tone sounding like forced patience.

"Oh, ok," Lori said, as she went over to the stand.

"Now then, Lori, you're the oldest sister of the household, correct?" the prosecutor asked.

"I am," Lori replied.

"And you know that you have certain responsibilities that you have to do, yes?" the prosecutor asked.

"I do, but I only do it so I can focus on really important matters," Lori replied, sounding like she couldn't care less.

" And what matters could possibly be more important than your family? As the oldest sibling, you have to set a good example to ALL of your younger siblings," the prosecutor questioned.

"I do set a good example for my siblings, right guys?" Lori asked her sisters, only for them to look a bit uncomfortable, "R-Right?" she now sounded uneasy.

"Well, you are a bit too bossy sometimes," Luna replied.

"You focus more on your phone and your boyfriend than you do your family," Lisa replied.

"And you always make us do favors for you in exchange for driving us to places," Lana added.

"Not to mention, you always use your status as the oldest sibling as an excuse for first dibs on stuff," Luan added.

"I don't have any siblings of my own, but I can say for certain, that these qualities they just listed off are NOT examples of a GOOD role model. You could've helped to stop this mess before it festered into this whole circus we have right now!" the prosecutor stated.

"Look, a family this big is quite stressful on all of us, and... Wait, why am I even telling you any of this? This is a family matter, and YOU are not part of our family!" Lori proclaimed.

"Hey, that's right! Why are we even letting ourselves be trapped here, anyway? You all should butt out!" Lola exclaimed.

"ENOUGH! I think we've heard enough from Lori. The defense may call your next witness," the judge declared.

"I don't know who I can call to the stand," Rachel replied.

"I'll take it from here! I can smooth things out with this," Lynn Jr. boasted.

"Highly unlikely. You'd most likely make things much worse for us than the rest of us probably will," Lisa stated.

"Alright then, defense called Lynn Loud Jr. to the stand," Rachel reluctantly said. Lynn Jr. then leapt up into the stand.

"Please don't do that again. Such behavior is not tolerated here," the judge asked of Lynn Jr.

"Now then, Lynn Jr., do you truly think your brother is bad luck?" the prosecutor asked.

"No, I don't think he's bad luck," Lynn Jr. replied.

"Junior, you know you're all under oath, yes?" the prosecutor asked.

"I know, just like I KNOW he's bad luck! The Squirrels have dominated the league up until the game Stinkcoln decided to jinx it with his bad luck, all out of spite for not letting him read his stupid comics. That's the only logical excuse I can think of!" Lynn Jr. replied.

"What about if the other team was simply better than you? They could've practiced more, and planned things more accordingly to take you and your team on," the prosecutor questioned.

"Are you actually suggesting that I'M wrong about this?! Stinkcoln jinxing my game out of spite is a perfectly logical excuse!" Lynn Jr. was starting to loose her temper.

"And that's another thing... the truly great athletes in the pro sports leagues don't make excuses for their losses. They just deal with it, and move on. What makes you think you're better than the pros?" the prosecutor asked.

"You're just some pencil pushing nerd. What do you know about sports? The Softball Gods chose ME to be their messiah of sports!" Lynn Jr. snapped.

"Here we go," Lincoln commented, rolling his eyes.

"And just who are these 'Softball Gods'? Are they actual deities, or just figments of the imagination of an egotistical, entitled brat who thinks she's the best because she wins a few games?" the prosecutor aggressively asked.

"You're just jealous because I'm better than anyone in Royal Woods at sports," Lynn Jr. replied.

"No further questions. You may return to your seat," the prosecutor said, before turning his attention to the judge, "Your honor, I know that the testimony we have from the Louds is more than enough to ensure a guilty verdict, but I have a list of people who also have had... less than pleasant experiences with the Louds, that I would like to call to the stand to provide further testimony," the prosecutor declared.

"I'll allow it. ALL of their crimes need to be brought to light," the judge declared. From that point onward, things spiraled more out of the Louds control, as various people came in and provided testimony against them. Such faces included the manager of the local supermarket, who provided security footage, showing the Loud Sisters behaving like wild animals, many of the neighbors from the Loud House neighborhood, who all complained about the ridiculous amounts of noise, and finally, the parents of all of Lynn's teammates, who testified for their kids having health problems due to Lynn's superstitions. Even Lindsey Sweetwater, Lola's Pageant Rival, came in and told everyone about Lola's darkest secret, which caused everyone to be horrified at the not-so-much-a princess' actions.

"Your honor, might I call for a recess so my clients and I can try to go over a possible defense, if possible?" Rachel requested.

"I'll allow it. I do believe in a fair, fighting chance," the judge decided. The Louds and Rachel all went into the next room. Meanwhile, the prosecutor and Lincoln had looks of satisfaction on their faces, as they felt the case was already won.

"Well Lincoln, looks like once again, justice favors the weary," the prosecutor said.

"True, but I have an idea to rub more salt into their wounds," Lincoln replied.

In the next room,

"I can not believe you all! I thought you said you never did anything wrong!" Rachel berated her sister and her family.

"That's because we didn't do anything bad. How is locking out a jinx like Stinkcoln even remotely illegal?" Lynn Jr. questioned.

"Because he is a minor! He needs proper shelter!" Rachel yelled.

"Well, if you say it like that, then it does sound bad," Lynn Jr. replied, still refusing to realize how much trouble she and her family was in. Rachel pinched the bridge of her nose, when she got an idea.

"Ok, there's one last thing that I can think of doing that can at least lighten your guy's sentence. We have to do a plea bargain," Rachel said.

"What's that?" Lola asked.

"It's when the defense attorney negotiates with the prosecutor, and tries to work out an agreement to lift some of the charges. I can't guarantee it'll lift all of the charges, but just enough to lighten your sentence," Rachel explained.

"Well, with all the testimony that everyone has brought in against us, we don't have many alternatives," Lynn Sr. stated.

"If it'll keep Lincoln from winning this thing over us, then I'm all for it," Lola declared. The others all gave their votes of agreement, except for Lynn Jr.

"NO! We are not dong that! It's pretty much quitting! And Lynn Loud Jr. is no quitter!" she stubbornly declared.

"Junior, this is no time for one of your ego trips," Rachel replied, trying to remain patient.

"Relax. I have a speech that's sure to win this whole thing for us, and keep Stinkcoln in the Looser Zone, where he belongs!" Lynn Jr. said, handing a sheet of paper to her aunt. Reading it over, Rachel shook her head.

"You've got to be kidding, Junior. Something like this will basically ensure a guilty verdict!" Rachel replied.

"Look, Aunt Rachel, I get that you're trying to help us out, but I am sick and tired of never being respected for my skills as an athlete. Instead of being treated like a celebrity everywhere I go, it's always the same old thing; 'That's not allowed', 'Such behavior will not be tolerate', Please Be Quiet' are all I ever hear!" Lynn Jr. said.

"That's because being a good athlete isn't the same as a free pass to be rude to everyone around you," Rachel replied.

"I am NOT merely a 'good' athlete, I AM THE BEST! In fact, I'm even more than that! I'm practically a demigoddess of sports!" Lynn Jr. boasted. Seeing as she wasn't going to get through to her niece, Rachel threw her hands up into the air in frustration.

"THAT'S IT!" she screamed, as she started packing her things.

"What do you think you're doing, Rachel?" Rita asked.

"This case is clearly too much of a lost cause, all because your daughter is prioritizing her ego and self-image over trying to take the easy way out! I tried to be reasonable, but it's clear my opinion isn't wanted here! I QUIT!" Rachel yelled.

"You literally can't quit! You have to defend us and prove our innocence!" Lori exclaimed.

"That's the problem, Lori! You guys aren't innocent! There's too much testimony against you for me to formulate a defense for you guys! And you know what? I've defended murders and armed robbers who were much easier to defend than any of you! You're all on your own!" Rachel yelled, as she stormed out.

"Well, looks like we have to win this case ourselves now. Thankfully, I have my speech," Lynn Jr. commented.

"I sincerely doubt that will help, based solely on Aunt Rachel's reaction, Lynn. Family, I highly recommend that we attempt a plea bargain, like Aunt Rachel suggested," Lisa recommended.

"Then it's decided! My speech it is then!" Lynn Jr. declared.

"Didn't you hear what I said?!" Lisa yelled.

"Yeah, I don't really understand most of what you say, so I just don't bother listening. Like anyone should," Lynn Jr. replied.

"Family, I implore you to take the path of the Plea Bargain," Lisa insisted.

"We're a family, and we support ourselves!" Lynn Jr. countered. The rest of their sisters and their parents looked torn between the two of them, before Lynn Sr. and Rita made a decision.