Pregnant. It was such a human word that it didn't belong in our household. Pregnancy was a non-issue for vampires, our bodies frozen as they had been when we were changed making females unable to change to accommodate the growth of a child, and given humans were our food source men were believed to be infertile given that reproduction was impossible with female vampires and human females were unlikely to survive the coupling, both due to possible injury and the male's thirst.
Despite this, an obviously pregnant Bella was sitting in our family's midst. Once again the human girl was the center of our family's controversy. Edward wanted the pregnancy terminated, terrified by the unknown and the obvious effect that the child was already having on her body. Carlisle agreed that the pregnancy was detrimental to Bella's health and that termination of the fetus was likely the only way Bella would survive. Bella, however refused to consider the option, the pregnancy having gifted her a sense of self preservation, even if they were only due to the child that was currently growing inside her. Rosalie was unsurprisingly on Bella's side. We all knew of Rosalie's deep desire for a child of her own and with that came the knowledge that she'd never willingly allow one to be killed. Esme was caught between the two sides. She shared Rosalie view that a child was not to be taken for granted but she also hated to see the effect that it was having on Bella and the end result that was seemingly inevitable.
The rest of us were as conflicted as Esme, we hated to see Bella suffering, hated the idea that this was likely going to kill her, but we also couldn't stand to violate her wishes. If the pregnancy was terminated against Bella's will then she'd never be able to look at us the same way again and with the necessity of Bella's change, the idea of living with a woman that we had permanently damaged beyond repair emotionally was far from appealing.
Edward was like a caged animal. He paced, he researched, he pleaded with Bella and repeat, only leaving the house once in the last few weeks to hunt and only because Carlisle and Emmett forced him out of the house. He was a wreck and we could all understand it, though I doubt I was the only one that saw the irony in what was going on. Edward had been adamant that he was not going to kill Bella and it looked like he was going to get his way. Instead of draining her or changing her, now his spawn was going to slowly siphon the life out of her. It's like the universe had decided to come up with another way to kill Bella when the other pawns on the board refused to play their roles.
I couldn't help but think, as I watched the life slowly draining from Bella's body and her bones beginning to break with the strong movements of the child, that either of the other two options would have been more merciful, even the transformation would have only taken three days. I had been careful to keep that thought under wraps, I might not have been the kindest of our siblings but I also wasn't looking to poke an already festering wound. Edward was on the brink emotionally and one of our nasty arguments would likely be enough to send him over the edge. This fact paired with Bella's new need to drink human blood made several of us outcasts in our own home.
Jasper and I had taken to spending our days on the deck or in one of the nearby trees that surrounded the small clearing the house sat in. The forest beyond was now off limits due to the prowling wolf pack. Jacob, Seth and the lone female kept them at bay but there was no sense testing our luck against the rest of the wolves. Our hunger was also becoming a problem. The house now always held the faint scent of human blood, the cold bags now more preferable than to Bella herself since the scent of death was slowly becoming stronger in the little blood that was struggling to sustain her system, none of us had been able to hunt since Jacob's initial visit and the hunger was becoming stronger in all of us. Edward and Carlisle were the only ones that seemed unaffected but even Carlisle's eyes were beginning to darken.
My concentration was broken by the sound of the door behind me opening. I realized that I had been staring at the half painted canvas for far too long with my hand posed to make the next stroke. I'd gotten too caught up in my thoughts and stopped moving without even realizing it. I lowered the brush and turned to look at Jacob, the boy had lost some weight as well, he looked sick, a little paler than usual, his skin more drawn, like he was unconsciously mirroring Bella. Neither Jasper or I said anything, but Jasper was peering over his book, studying Jacob just as I was.
Jacob ignored both of us and walked over to the steps, sinking down onto the top step and leaning against the railing. I glanced at Jasper questioningly but he just shook his head sadly and looked back down at his book. I studied the boy for another moment before returning my attention back to the canvas in front of me. The dark atmosphere had been bleeding into my work, this was the third painting I'd worked on that was done in all dark hues. I was currently painting the stream at midnight, the palette consisting of blacks, dark blues, purples and greens, some gray and a lonely dap of white.
Jacob gave a soul heavy sigh, making both Jasper and I look up from what we were doing to look at him. He was still facing away from us but now his head was in his hands, his fingers digging at his scalp before tugging at the hair. His next inhale was deeper, preparing to speak before he turned just enough that I could see the profile of his face.
"How do you do it?" Jacob asked, his voice strained and I tilted my head in confusion.
"Do what?" Jasper asked, his book settling in his lap.
"Sit out here and pretend what's happening inside isn't happening?" Jacob clarified and I looked to Jasper. He gave a shrug and I sighed.
"That's not what we're doing." I said softly and Jacob turned to face us fully, his back still leaning against the railing as if he could physically no longer remain sitting up on his own.
"Then what?" Jacob almost sounded like he was pleading. I looked sympathetically at the boy, there was nothing easy about the situation he was in and I didn't envy him for it.
"We're resigned, Jacob. For Jasper and I there's nothing physically that we can do, nothing we can provide will help Bella. Our small contribution to her health is sitting out here where we can't smell the blood. We may seem to be ignorant to what's happening inside, but we're painfully aware, just as you and the others are, we're just unable to help so we stay out of the way and we wait." I said sadly and Jacob's face contorted.
"You're just waiting for her to die?" He asked and I slowly shook my head.
"No, that's not what we want. We're waiting till there's something we can do, some way that we can help. The others know to seek us out if there's anything we can do but till then..." I dragged off helplessly and Jacob slouched more into the railing. He was quiet for a long moment before he looked back up and looked directly at me.
"How can you be so unaffected?" He asked. Jasper shifted, likely about to defend my outward coldness, but I stopped him.
"Jasper, can you give Jacob and I a couple moments?" I asked and looked to him, he looked conflicted, but slowly nodded.
"I'll just be out front." Jasper promised and I nodded as he leaned over and kissed my head before disappearing around the house. Jacob looked on confusedly as I put down my paints and moved to stand beside him.
"Come, I rather not have this conversation so close to the house." I led Jacob across the back lawn and to the small outcropping of rock that sat just inside the trees. It was far enough that if I spoke softly we wouldn't be overheard, but it was close enough that I could still see the house and could be back to my family in a mere second if needed. I took a seat and gestured for Jacob to do the same.
"What has Bella told you about me Jacob?" He seemed conflicted about how to answer.
"Don't worry about protecting her, the family is very tight lipped about my origins, so she couldn't have told you too much." I assured and Jacob looked surprised.
"She just said she knew you were older than most of the family and you were rather distant, that you didn't like human things." Jacob said the last two words differently almost like a question but I ignored it and just nodded.
"She's right, I am older than the rest, with the exception of Carlisle. I don't know the exact day or year I was born but Jasper and Carlisle have narrowed it down to the end 18th century." Jacob's eyes widened slightly.
"Okay, but what does that have to do with anything?" Jacob asked.
"You want to know why I'm 'unaffected'. To understand why, you'd have to hear where I come from." I said and Jacob only seemed more confused but he nodded for me to continue.
"The circumstances of my birth were less than ideal. My mother was a madame in a small mining town on the western frontier and got pregnant intentionally to blackmail my father." Jacob's eyes widened.
"I found out later in life that my father was the town lawman, his position being the reason she needed to blackmail him. She kept my paternity a secret if he did what she wanted." I gave a small shrug, this was one of the less offensive truths of my human life.
"I'm sure your history courses in school have mentioned how different life was back then. As you can imagine, being an unwed single mother was frowned upon and being the child of an unmarried single mother who was a madame limited my prospects in life, not that my mother was worried about such matters. My childhood was… lacking in innocence to say the least. I'm sure you can imagine what I was exposed to given I was raised in a brothel with my mother and other 'soiled doves' as she liked to call them. I can honestly say that I don't know how I survived to maturity." I glanced at Jacob and smiled at the small grimace he wore.
"Ultimately, I was a means to my mother's ends and was treated as such. I was mainly left to the mercy of the other doves, some who had no business taking care of themselves, let alone a child. Though I didn't know it then, when I got older I would miss the mere neglect that I received as a child. Once I was old enough to be declared a woman, my mother saw it fit that I should make myself useful and contribute to the manufacturing of her wealth." Even after all these years I still couldn't bring myself to say what I had once been forced to do just to survive, but I knew Jacob understood given the horrified look on his face that he was trying to cover now that he'd noticed I was watching his expression.
"As a child I only had to contend with my mother and the doves' foul temperaments and the punishments they saw fit to give me, usually mere neglect, chores, and borderline starvation. Once of age it was no longer the women I feared but the men, the men that had my mother's permission to beat me bloody if I didn't comply with their... requests. The only positive to complying with the men was being able to walk out of the room when they were done, but then there was the degradation of complying and the living in fear of the possibility of the further consequences of the men's attentions to contend with. I was fortunate enough that I never fell pregnant, but there was one dove that was not so lucky, the process that followed for her was... horrific, to put it mildly." The dove had been forced to ingest herbs that made her violently ill. When that didn't work madame had then taken her into a bedroom and the screams that rang from the room where enough to send chills down your spine, she bleed for days after. It was never confirmed if the 'treatment' had worked because the dove succumbed three days later from the 'treatment' and the child was a non-issue.
"Your father never intervened?" Jacob questioned and I smiled grimly at the boy's innocence.
"To do so would be to admit my paternity and there was little he would have been able to do anyway. At that point I would have been of marrying age, all he could have done for me would have been to arrange a marriage which would have been difficult given that I was already tainted and the townspeople had no delusions as to what happened within the four walls I lived in." I explained patiently before continuing.
"Life was grim at best if you weren't in a position of power, but even if you were, you still stood witness to many of life's horrors. Diseases that ravaged towns and wiped out entire families in a matter of days, even doctors didn't want to get close to them for fear of catching the ailment, once it was established that all inside were dead, the house would be burned with the bodies inside to prevent further spread. The effects of the elements would leave bodies bloated on the side of the road or freeze a man to his core should he not make it into town in time during the winter months. The lawlessness of the time meant it wasn't uncommon to witness a man gunned down in the street without so much as a bat of an eye. The ruthlessness of human behavior back then made a spectacle of executions for the few that were left to the hands of the law. Power and importance bought you justice but by no means did it make you safe. And if you were part of the unfortunate majority, you lived knowing that any day could be your last and only if you were lucky would there be a tear shed for you. It was a harsh reality, but a fact of life back then. Everyone lived with the fact that their chance of reaching old age was slim but continued on despite it." I was looking pointedly at Jacob as I spoke and I could see that he was starting to understand.
"It's hard to see the good in people after you've been beat down over and over again. When emotions were running high people died, holding on to the façade of being unaffected both for yourself and for the people around you was one of the few favors you could do for yourself. It was a lesson I learned the hard way." Jacob now seemed intrigued.
"What happened?" He asked before looking like he wanted to take it back, likely realizing that was probably a very personal story but I decided to tell him.
"Despite my rather poor opinion of humanity, even when I myself was human, I managed to fall in love. He and his family were social outcasts as well and it was what attracted us to each other. His name was Jonah and he planned for the two of us to run away together, to find somewhere to settle down that we would be accepted. His plan had a few flaws and in the end we never made it out of town and in his struggle to escape Jonah killed a man. For my part in the events my punishment was that I was to witness his execution. My mother and the marshal held me in place as Jonah was hefted onto a barrel so they could loop the noose around his throat. Jonah never shed a tear but his eyes locked with mine as they were placing the noose and he never looked away even as the barrel was kicked out from under him. We all heard the snap, but it took what seemed like forever for Jonah to die. I screamed and cried and begged, but there wasn't even a sympathetic glance for my plight, only murmurings of justice being served." Jacob once again looked horrified but I couldn't truly focus on his face as I could still see Jonah's eyes in my mind, eyes that were much like Jacob's, a warm youthful brown that had once believed that everything could be made right.
"Jonah was thrown in a grave like a sack of flour without so much as a proper marker. When it was over I was dragged back to the brothel to ready myself for the evening. My mother made sure I took the room that the hanging tree could be seen from the window. The marshal had instructed that the noose was to be left hanging as a message to anyone that would think to do anything like what Jonah had done, but it only served to taunt me. The first chance I got, I slipped from the brothel like I had to meet up with Jonah and used the same barrel and noose to hang myself. I thought that the pain in my neck would be my final punishment but I was wrong. As it turned out there was someone else watching me, someone I didn't even know, because as I was starting to fade I felt another pain in my neck and then the fire." I looked to Jacob and he knew what I was talking about, the burning of the venom spreading through my veins.
"During the transformation the pain doesn't allow you to focus and I honestly thought that my mother had found my body and set me ablaze, it seemed something she would do for such a disobedience. Imagine my surprise when I awoke in darkness. The darkness was a pine box buried six feet down, the box likely the only kindness my father ever showed me because I know my mother wouldn't have seen to the expense. My first action as a newborn vampire was to dig myself out of my own grave, a grave marked with only a stick and dirty white rag. I'll save you some of the gory details but I set that town on fire before leaving and making my way farther west till I found the first place that didn't contain the slightest hint of human scent. There I spent the next century in perpetual isolation where emotions were unnecessary."
"With the… I guess you could call it damage, to my emotional growth as a child I never learned how to properly express or understand my own emotions or how to take the emotions of others into consideration. This was not something that could be fixed during my years of separation from society, it was something that I didn't even know was a detriment till I came in contact with other vampires in the 1930s. They are the ones that started… rehabilitating the damage done to me, they were the ones to introduce Jasper and I." I could hear Jasper approaching slowly, likely feeling the dark emotions slipping away as I got to the end of my story.
"Jasper is the one that turned me back into a person. With Jasper and our family I have learned to re-associate with humans, my hatred has waned and I have learned to live with them much like my siblings. Without the patience of Jasper and our family I'm sure I would still be a much different person, but I can never truly shake how I react in times of stress, my default is to distance myself from the problem and clamp down on my emotions, as you have witnessed. I am not unaffected by the situation Bella has found herself in and I think it a travesty that our family is being forced to make the decisions we're making, but I know and the rest of our family knows that there's nothing we can do and whatever our emotions are they have little impact to the reality of what is happening and what will happen." I finished and I spotted Jasper waiting a couple yards away. Jacob spotted Jasper too but didn't acknowledge him, instead looking back to me.
"For what it's worth, I'm sorry for what happened to you." Jacob said sincerely and I did my best to give him a soft smile.
"I do not need you to pity me, for all I know if it had been different I never would have met Jasper and he has done much to make this world a place worth living in. I just want you to understand that seeming unaffected does not mean that someone is in fact unaffected or uncaring." Jasper stepped closer, drawing our attention to him.
"I can assure you that she can be a rather emotional creature." Jasper teased with an easy smile.
"Bite your tongue." I admonished before gesturing to his hands that were hidden behind his back. He moved them to reveal some of my home made paints.
"What are those?" Jacob asked and I smiled.
"Nature's paint." I said easily and held out my hands to accept them from Jasper.
"When did you learn to paint? Esme and Bella pointed out some of your art on the walls inside." Jacob inquired.
"I had to do something with my century of solitude. I taught myself." And began the most tenuous of friendships.
