The moment she left I felt even worse.
I'd been too cross with her, too harsh and way too abrupt.
I felt despicable, deplorable and absolutely disgusting.
Maybe I was a monster, maybe I was a villain after all.
The silk pillow cover was absolutely ruined now by red tears that had streamed down my face.
The bathroom looked like a Jackson Pollack Painting studio.
There was red on nearly surface of the bathroom, thankfully most of it ended up in the sink, yet still there little squirts of sickly bright red dispersed about the room, on the wall, the counter and on the purple tiled floor.
I was somewhat of a neat freak but I was too exhausted to venture back into the bathroom to clean anything.
I was way to comfortable atop my huge king sized bed.
I was face first in my silk covered pillow hence the ruined pillow case.
I was still nauseous as ever and my eyes were nearly dry but still I was tired of holding my neck over the sink.
I could see only red, the walls, the floors, the ceiling, all of the furniture and everything in my surroundings were red.
"I despise my life, I despise myself and I wish I didn't exist.
I'm a disgusting deplorable monster that nobody cares about and I don't even care for myself."
I wanted to let a long groan but it just came out as a long sigh instead.
"Oh really I had no idea."
I heard a serene almost placid toned voice that was so calming to my ears I thought it was something from a dream but I was still awake despite my wishes to be in a permanent coma.
"I don't wish to be insulting but if you could be so kind as to...GO AWAY!"
I lifted my neck up from my pillow for a few moments to shout at her.
"I was gone for four and a half hours.
You said you would let me know when you were finished with your alone time and well you never let me know. So I got a bit worried about you".
"Well worry no more. I'm still alive... unfortunately. So you can go back to whatever you were doing. Go on. There's nothing to see here.
I'm just feeling sorry for myself and hoping for Death to come very ,very soon."
"Death is not the solution."
"What?"
I couldn't help but crane my head up at that to look at her in bewilderment.
"It's something you said to me when I was in a funk so now I'm saying it to you".
"I'm not in a funk I'm just slightly suicidal."
I tucked my knees in and rested my shoulder against the bed post.
I took the pillow, drew it towards my chest and I buried my face back into my pillow.
"That pillow case is ruined by the looks of it.
Would you like me to get you another one?"
"Yes I'm well aware of that thank you and no I do not want another one.
Please just leave me alone".
"Your eyes are all red. oh and so is your face.
I know just the thing for that. I'll be right back".
"I really wish you wouldn't".
She headed toward the bathroom but I was too worn out to stop her in anyway.
She then proceeded to wash the red off my skin and she wiped the stains that were underneath my eyes with what felt like a warm wash clothe.
"Is that better?"
"Yes, but why bother?
It's not as if I'm done you any favors or any great services".
"That's where you're wrong. You saved my life.
Not just once but twice.
You spared me from liquidation and then you got me out of that funk I was in."
"Yes but it was for selfish reasons, I saved you because I'm a selfish man, that thirsts for power and hungers control remember.
I'm Commander Abbadon the most deplorable, the most twisted and terrible, not to mention the most disgusting and despicable villain in all the land, probably not the whole world, but a man can dream can't he."
"Now you sound just like me.
You know I just think you're desensitized to people's sufferings by those signals, the food, the things you drink.
You see I have a theory that those secret signals aren't just controlling you and keeping you in line, it's taking away something. You've lost certain emotions like guilt and sorrow, not just emotions but certain virtues such as compassion and sympathy.
You've been sheltered so long from these things for so long that now that now you've come to your senses you've become rather overwhelmed by it all.
So all these tears and suicidal ideations is just a natural reaction to all that that you're experiencing."
"It's natural for me to want to kill myself?
It's normal for me to wish for death?"
"No of course not yet I don't think you really want to die. You're just so grief stricken and sorrow ridden right now you just want a break from it all.
You know it's okay not to feel good about yourself.
Some days you'll be proud of who you are other times you question your existence.
There's nothing normal about suicide and death isn't always natural.
Yet Death is not the solution.
Death is not the answer.
Oh by the way I don't think you're a villain.
You might be selfish but everybody is selfish one way or another.
I think you're being a bit too hard on yourself."
"I brought you here against your will, I've threatened you, tortured you, lectured you, yelled at you, belittled and bullied you, I even tried to take over your mind.
The list goes on and on, the more I talk about the more I sound like a actual villain.
All these things I've done, all these things I've put you through, is exactly what a villain would do.
Villains make others suffer and that's exactly what I've done.
So no I don't think I'm over exaggerating."
"Perhaps I've been a bit too harsh...in the past.
I haven't exactly been the easiest to work with and I've been very obstinate and combative with you.
You have spared me from the very clutches of death after all.
It's only fair that I cooperate with you now"
Was she unwell?
Was she under a spell?
Perhaps she was in that weird funk again.
Yet her eyes were the same stormy blue color, until I stated closer into them.
The grey and blue swirled and churned and shifted into a somber shade of violet.
I wanted to let out a holler but then I'd have explain why I was screaming.
"Your eyes... they're different.
Were they that color before? Surely not.
Wait did I hear you correctly that you actually wish to cooperate with me?"
"Yes and I meant it".
"Are you sure? Cooperating might cost...you...quite a bit. I mean you could lose your freedom... if you're not careful.
No seriously cooperating with me could be dangerous, risky even.
I'm not threatening you this time, I'm telling you that if what you said about my superiors is true, we both could be in some serious trouble.
I would lose my job and you...well who...well it makes me shudder to think what they'll do to you."
"I know they'd kill me right?"
"No usually they have other precautionary methods they use before liquidation."
"Like torture?"
"No don't be so morbid.
It's just a medication, a serum that's usually administered if some one is uncooperative.
It's normally just used to calm people down now but then I may be wrong.
It's probably a dangerous mind altering drug yet I didn't know that at the time.
Then if that doesn't work a series of videos are shown that teach that individual how to behave.
Oh dear me I believe that's called brainwashing.
Just when I thought this day couldn't get any better.
Great I'm involved with a brainwashing, drug pushing cult."
"Yes that's exactly what all this is.
You know that drug you speak so highly of, it doesn't work on me.
The first time it made me all woozy but then after a while the effect wore off, every time it would wear off a little faster until it didn't do anything at all.
They tried those videos but I broke the TV.
I broke every TV after that.
So then they gave me this red liquid in a syringe.
It reeked like rotten fruit juice.
After that I don't have much memory.
All I know is that I had a reason to keep fighting.
Every once and awhile a few little glimpses of what really happened, all I remember is pain.
I woke up behind bars with the worst headache in the world.
I know they did something terrible but I don't know what It was they did to me.
Parts of me remember, but the rest of my brain doesn't think I'm ready to know.
I think I'm ready now but I have no way of accessing those memories I've lost.
I know they're there but I just know where they've wandered off to.
Perhaps I'll never know".
"There are ways believe me."
