Sex with Gabby woke up parts of her body that Mandy didn't even know existed. Being with her did the exact same. Every look made her weak and every touch sent her spiraling. The idea that a woman was making her feel this way still confused and delighted her every day. "When did you know you liked girls?" Mandy asked turning to Gabby one night. They were in Gabby's dorm. One of the few times her roommate wasn't holed up in there. Being amongst Gabby's stuff made their relationship seem more real. Made it easier to be in love with the amazingly beautiful woman.
"I was in like… pshh, like second grade. And there was this girl, Akua." Gabby traced shapes on Mandy's arm as she spoke. "I just remember thinking: 'She is so pretty'." Mandy's heart melted for second-grade Gabby. Probably so confused, even more confused that Mandy was at nineteen. "I thought maybe it was just her, but in seventh, there was Dominique and in high school, there was Sasha and then Deb and now…" Gabby turned to face her and Mandy looked at her out of the corner of her eyes. She knew that look. The sophomore was just as smitten as she was. Wanted her just as much. "And now there's you, Miranda Bailey, owner of my heart."
"Come here," Mandy whispered. She kissed her girlfriend softly. "You make me so happy." The phrase shocked her for a long second. It felt too real. What if their relationship survived the way Callie and Arizona's couldn't? What if they were in love for the rest of their lives? What if… There were so many questions with no answers. "I'm in love with you, Gabrielle Hightower."
"I'm in love with you, too." Mandy's hands molded Gabby's shoulder and back and the kiss deepened. "Can I ask you a question now?"
Mandy nodded and stroked Gabby's face. The perfectly sculpted face with lips that were so kissable that even when she couldn't see them, she could feel them and how they made her—"Earth to Mandy?"
"Sorry, what'd you say?"
"What turns you on about men?"
"Oh!" She sighed. "I like the deep voice and the strong arms and how they smell. How I always feel like I'm protected even when they're being dicks. It's… it's an aesthetic thing," she laughed.
Gabby picked up her hand. "You don't feel protected with me?"
"I do," she told her with a sly grin. The sophomore was only slightly taller and less curvy than the freshman, but that never mattered. Gabby lifted Mandy's arms and kissed her just below her armpit, near the side of her breast. No one had ever kissed her there. Her nipples stood at attention waiting to be touched. Nothing came. "Do I make you feel protected?"
A laugh colored Gabby's face before she even made a sound. "You are too nice, frosh. You need a little bite," she said skimming her teeth along that same place.
Mandy rotated her hips. "I'll try harder."
"Ask me something."
"I know we'll be together forever, but do you think you could ever… be with a man?" She held her breath, she'd wondered that her damn self. Could she, would she, ever want to be with a man again? Now, she even saw women differently. They were no longer just there—her competition for the male gaze; Mandy saw them as people she could date, or even love. Rubbing her face with both hands, she shook her head. "You know what? Don't answer that. It's invasive and..."
"I want to."
"Oh… okay." She turned to give her girlfriend her entire attention.
Gabby inhaled, holding her breath at the top of her chest. "I've thought about it. I'm blessed. I mean, my parents… they accept me for who I am without pretense and I love that about them. But I always wonder if it would be easier to be with a man. For them. For me? Us?" Gabby swallowed. "Black women… aren't lesbians. We have a duty to the Black family—man, wife, child—and I'm, essentially, breaking that chain by not wanting him." Mandy watched her face and saw the anguish. It was never present during their them intimate, sweet moments, but it was written all over her beautiful face now. Like it had been at the movies. And the thought of whether she was adding to it or extinguishing it made Mandy cringe. "Whoever the hell he might be," Gabby laughed. "So, even though I'm a lesbian and haven't had any want to be with a guy, I can see myself settling with one. To, if anything, please society though it would never even think ofextending that same courtesy to me."
"Babe…" she started.
"No, don't… or I'll start crying." The young women smiled at each other. "It's fine. I'm fine because I'm in college right now and I don't have to worry about it." The sophomore shrugged. "I can just be with you and be happy forever."
The youngest of the two nodded slowly. "Then, I'll just hold you." And she did.
